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White Christmas Blues Another Christmas episode for season 25. Aren’t you lucky? Eh! Marge and Homer have to turn the house into a B&B when out of towners arrive wanting a white Christmas because due to global warming it doesn’t snow anymore but a freak weather system caused by pollution from the Power Plant and smoke from the tire fire caused snow. There is absolute madness and some of funniest things I’ve ever read in an official transcript even without Oscar’s madness so this episode will be insane!! Mwuhahahaha! And Lisa gives everyone presents they don’t want, but presents she thinks are thoughtful so they are annoyed at her.

Plot[]

the title gag, since it’s Christmas is Barney riding Santa’s sleigh with reindeers pulling it. Santa’s little Helper is Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

The title letters are red and white striped like candy canes.

The Christmas Springfield is full of snow everywhere and everyone dressed as elves.

Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney as elves are cutting the star off a Christmas tree.

Ralph dressed as a Christmas elf instead of licking an ice cream, his tongue is stuck to a lamppost.... he is tugging and struggling and whining. Once the Christmas tree’s star is cut off it falls and crushes Ralph.

Lard Lad dressed as a Christmas elf is holding a holly wreath with candy canes. Ned and his boys are admiring the killer mascot.

The bill board gag is “Krusty’s Khristmas Karol. (Three Ks again...) Staring Sideshow Bob Hatchet,” Bob is about to bury an axe in Krusty’s back with a menacing look on his face.

The chalkboard gag is “I will not call my teacher Prancer and Vixen.” Eeeeeew! Bart...

Bart as a Christmas elf snowboards home. Willie dressed as Santa is piling up some snow. Bart collide with the pile, spilling it everywhere and annoying Willie. Grampa Abe was in the pile holding a sign that read “Still warmer than the nursing home.”

At the Power Plant Homer wearing glasses is painting candy canes. The bell rings and Homer cheers and goes home. Tossing the candy cane so it bounces about. The accident sign says “Days until March 28, the actual birth of Christ.” I don’t know what planet you live on Matt but Jesus was born on December 25th!

At the shops for her segment of the title sequence. Marge and Maggie dressed in Christmas outfits are buying Christmas presents. The store clerk puts the presents in Marge’s trolly. Maggie bursts out of one.

Gerald glares at her. Maggie stamps him with a reject stamp and big tough store guards dressed as elves take him away.

Lisa in her segment is sent out of instrument recital for playing We Wish You a Merry Christmas on her saxophone.

Homer rides a snow mobile. A candy cane is down his neck irritating him. He pulls it out and tosses it. Otto catches the candy cane and smokes it like a bong. Um okay...

Bart snowboards last Apu decorating a statue of Durga or one of his many armed gods or goddesses. She is holding an octuplet in each hand.

Moe is standing in the door way of his tavern. Milhouse is sat nearby dressed as Linus Van Pelt. XD!

Then Bart passes Patty and Selma as the Freeze Miser and the Heat Miser... XD!

Then he passes on his snowboard, a Chinese restaurant full of Jews because they eat Chinese food on our Christmas! The following Jews inside are; Krusty, he brought Mr Teeny with him. Rabbi Krustofski. Krusty’s agent/accountant. Dolph Starbeam wearing a skull cap. Apparently he’s jewish. Crazy old Jewish guy. And of course Jurkle, Oscar’s jewish friend. Oh and Hoju the gay Jew.

Bart then passes by all the black men of Springfield, Drederick Tatum, Lou, Dr Hibbert and Carl dressed in Kwanza robes. XD!

Comic Book a Guy is stood alone worshipping some sort of Super hero holiday like um Krypton Thanksgiving or something...

Marge and Maggie are riding a sleigh pulled by greyhounds with antlers home. They pass by Mr Burns as the evil Ice Queen Jadis from Narnia riding a sleigh pulled by his Doberman hounds. He chases Marge. XD!

Then Crazy Cat Lady is driving a sleigh pulled by her cats...

Rhen the Simpsons get home and have a Christmas couch gag where they pose nicely for a photo. One where Bart isn’t pulling any faces...

...

Itchy and Scratchy is on. The episode is called It’s a wonderful Knife.

“Merry Christmas!” said Scratchy walking about town. “Merry Christmas, movie house!” He says to a cinema. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Mouse!” He greets Itchy. Itchy pulls on a string of Christmas lights. (screams) They decapitate Scratchy.

Bart laughs.

Itchy uses a nutcracker doll to pull out Scratchy’s eye.

However Krusty stands in front of the projector.

(listless): “Hey-hey. Due to modern sensitivity, we've been asked to block any violent images that appear in this children's cartoon.” said Krusty. He looks round at the cartoon. “Oh, my God! I never watched one of these sober! I gotta get this bloodbath off my kids' show!“ he tries to block the violence. Then he tosses a cream pie at the camera. (grunts)

There’s then an intermission where a Itchy rips out Scratchy’s spine and there’s blood!

“Damn it!” Krusty groaned.

“Aw, geez, when did everything turn to crap?“ Bart groaned lying on the couch. Lisa looked bored too.

“Bart, don't use language like that.” said Marge reprimanding him. She poured peppermint candy cane piece candy in a bowl. They weren’t very exciting or yummy candy. Marge thinking: “Man, things sure have turned to crap.”

(Homer humming) Homer still had the Halloween decorations up but was making them Christmassy.

“Homer, you have to take the Halloween decorations down before you put the Christmas ones up.” said Marge. Homer was putting a Santa coat on a hanging skeleton with a beard and an axe in its back. In the bay window was a Snowman made of jack o lanterns.

“Marge, to that I say, boo, humbug.” said Homer.

There is on the table in the corner, a haunted house themed nativity scene with vampires and monsters.

Oscar saw it and laughed hysterically.

Ace giggled and rolled his eyes amused by it.

Bart winced.

(hissing) Maggie looked in the manger to find a big fat spider nesting. It hissed. Maggie stuffed her pacifier in its mouth. It sucked the pacifier.

Oscar laughed hysterically.

The news was on.

“There's a new Grinch this holiday season, and its name is "global warming."” said Kent. There was a graphic card saying Sleetless in Seattle. Hehehehe! Seattle... “Meteorologists warn there'll be no snow this Christmas anywhere in America, not even in Alaska, where the Eskimos now have a hundred words for "nothing."” The card graphic now said Frost Nixin.

”Global warming. Huh. By pure coincidence, every scientist was right.” said Lisa smugly.

“But it's not all doom and gloom. Illegal poachers are having a field day.” said Kent.

In Buffalo, New York. Where Buffalo wings come from. Mmmmmmm! Buffalo wings... (drools)

”Oz you’re drooling on your computer’s keyboard...” said Bart.

Ahem. In Buffalo, New York. New Yorkers were carol singing.

To the tune of Carol of the bells...

♪ 80 degrees, water won't freeze ♪

♪ God help us, please, no one's on skis ♪

♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting ♪

(owls hooting) white owls hoot as poachers point guns at them. They fly onto a billboard for an advertisement for Tooth whitening. The owls are camouflage.

♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting. ♪

The billboard changes to one for archery practice with three targets.

(worried moaning) The owls moan. XD!

...

Across Evergreen Terrace there was no snow and only dead trees.

Inside the Simpsons house.

(Marge sighs) “Sorry, kids, I guess the hats and mittens will have to wait until next year.” said Marge putting the kids winter clothes away in boxes. The kids stood nearby in their pyjamas.

“Oh!” they groaned disappointed.

Night falls and it snows! It’s a miracle!

Homer goes out in the snow wearing just his swimming trunks and sunglasses holding a coconut half shell full of beer or something. He lays in his snow filled hammock.

(humming) “Hmm? Snow?” He takes off his sunglasses and sees snow has fallen. And plenty of it! (laughs) He laughs and gathers it up. “Snow!”

The kids all run out in their pyjamas. Even Oscar, Hugo and Tiny Tim. (All gasp)

“Oh, you know what this means, kids?” Homer asks happily and joyful.

(All gasp)

“I don't have to pick up the dog poops!” said Homer. (sobbing) He sobs happily.

Bart and Lisa wince.

”And I don’t have to pick up Teddy’s poops!” Oscar cried happily.

”Fine... I’ll go inside...” said Teddy the living teddy bear creature.

”No you will not! Your bathroom is the lawn!” said Oscar pointing at the snow and glaring.

...

In town near the Jebediah statue.

“Uh, so you see, the "snow" is a microclimate aberration caused by radioactive steam from the nuclear plant and, of course, tire fire particulate.” said Professor Frink pointing at the Nuclear Power plant and then the Tire Fire. “So, we're the only place in America with snow, if you can call it that.” said Frink. “I guess you can.”

Mayor Quimby picked up some snow. “Don't you idiots see what this means?!“ Uh rude!

“Idiots? Why do we reelect this guy?” said Lenny annoyed.

“‘Cause his opponent has a long Slavic name.” said Carl. We pan over to a mayoral candidate with a long Slavic name...

(crowd grumbling)

“Who want bumper sticker?” said the Slavic mayor guy.

“True but aside from that new guy, the only successful candidate to run against Quimby was Sideshow Bob... And none of us want him as Mayor... right?” said Oscar.

(Murmering) “Eh...”

”He wasn’t too bad...”

Oscar winced.

”I miss Mayor West.” said Homer.

”Thank you citizen!” said Adam West polishing the Bat-mobile in his drive.

”Uh he was our mayor...” said Peter Griffin.

”Yeah but Adam West as Mayor... That’s so coooool!” said Oscar.

“People, Springfield is now the only town in America that has snow this Christmas. So tourists are going to want to come here.” said Quimby.

“Stay in our hotels!” said Rich Texan.

”Slurp our spaghetti.“ said Luigi the Italian chef. Amusingly in Four regrettings and a funeral, there was once a rival Italian restaurant called Mario’s. XD!

“Die in our hospitals.” said Dr Hibbert chuckling. (chuckles)

“I say we welcome our winter tourists with open arms, then gouge the hell out of 'em!” said Moe. “Who? Who will gouge with me?”

“I, too, will gouge!” said Comic Book Guy.

“Duff Beer is proud to make a corporate commitment to gouging! Oh yeah!” said Duffman.

(cheering) All the businessmen cheered.

At the Frying Dutchman, Sea Captain was looking through his telescope as the ballerina music from The Nutcracker played. He saw cars arrive.

”Here come the tourists. Man your ATMs. Yar.” said Sea Captain.

The Five and Dime store was now called Dime and a Quarter. (both chuckle) The old couple that owned it chuckled.

Moe was letting children in his tavern to see Santa. Santa was actually Barney... (belches) Also Moe was charging 10 dollars a kid to sit on Barney’s lap.

Kids stood concerned and uncomfortable.

”I want beer.” Oscar whined.

”I can’t serve you beer...” Moe sighed.

Mrs Muntz was pole dancing at a place called North Pole Dancing. Nelson held a sign that read; “Santa will sit on your lap for $200.”

The Android’s Dungeon was now Android’s Hat and mittens. Kids were going in to get winter clothes. I’m sure it still sold comics...

“Why would a robot need mittens?” Martin asked. Poor C.H.U.M...

“Why would a little boy need an aspirin?” asked Comic Book Guy dryly.

”I don't know.” said Martin. (grunts) Comic Book Guy smacked him on the head with a comic.

”The one thing Bongo Comics are good for.” said Comic Book Guy.

In town the children played and made snowmen. And some made snow angels.

(groans) Quimby gasped when he found Wiggum in a giant cartoon snowball. “Are you okay, Chief?”

(panicky): “I'll be fine, I'll be fine.” said Wiggum. “God, I bent down to pick up a piece of candy and rolled down a hill. You always think it's the other guy that'll turn into a giant snowball. Never you.” XD! “Have you seen Lou?”

“There's snow in my lungs!“ Lou yelled sticking his arm out of the snowball.

“Lot of attitude in that hand, Lou. Lot of attitude.” Wiggum sighed.

(horns honking, Marge groans) Marge was stuck on the freeway in traffic. “Look at all these out-of-state license plates.” She was looking at number plates in front of her.

"First in Freeways,"

“The 'Yuh-Huh' State,"

Maggie took off her sleeper and put on a tasteful Christmas sweater.

“Jewel of the Fracking Belt"?

"Still a British Colony at Heart,"

Oscar’s face lit up and he grinned. “Woooooo! Rule Britannia!”

”Oz calm down...” Marge sighed.

"Land of Many Water Snakes"?

Oscar screamed.

Marge mumbled as she arrived at the Kwik e Mart. But all the parking bays were full and Apu was charging five dollars for valet parking.

(Marge groaning)

“Valet parking, five dollars.” said Manjula.

(tires screeching, horn honks) The Octuplets we’re crashing the cars. XD!

”Oh...” Marge sighed. She parked somewhere...

(gasps) Marge gasped because the store was busy.

”People, I'm completely out of milk!“ said Apu. “I do have several DVDs of the movie Milk, an inspiring return to form for director Gus Van Sant.” Lol! The movie Milk...

“Uh, do you have Life of Pi?” Professor Frink asked Apu.

“Dude! Why would you ask an Indian that?!” Oscar yelled.

“No, but I have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog. People who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie. Mmm?” said Apu as he had made a parody called the life of Pu. XD!

Oscar laughed hysterically. “Nyahahahaha! Life of Poo! Hehehe!”

(sighs) Marge sighed.

She drove home. A store made her stop to glance at it. It was Swapperjacks. She hoped they had turkeys but the guy running it was selling bags of clams. Fifty dollars each. Turkeys had sold out.

”I’ll take one bag.” Oscar bought a bag.

”Oz you don’t need those.” Marge sighed.

”I’m steaming them for steamed clams. To annoy Skinner...” said Oscar.

Marge sighed.

She pulled up in the drive.

...

Marge got out the car after turning off the ignition. She bought clams too!

She sighed.

“We can't afford Christmas. And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family.” She cried and sobbed. Poor Marge. Oscar decided now was not the time to be silly. He looked solemn. (voice breaks): “That's what all the big stores say.” Marge cried.

A car pulled up with new people in it. “Excuse me, ma'am. I'm so sorry to bother you, but my kids are exhausted and the town is sold out. Is there any chance you'd have a spare room for us?” The Dad asked.

Oscar held a sign saying; “There’s no room at the inn.”

“Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen, but sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't.” said Marge. Coooool! “Our house is very odd that way.”

“Please? Please, ma'am? We'd pay you $300 a night.” said the Dad.

“Well, you seem like a nice, pushy stranger.“ said Marge.

“Ma'am, because we talk this way, people always think that we're, um... Uh, what is that word, honey?” said the Dad. Kirk was in the background being offered ice ball insurance by the bullies Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney. He refused.

“Passive-aggressive.” The MSN’s wife replied.

“Right, right, but we're not.” said the dad.

The bullies tossed ice balls at Kirk. XD!

”Please, please take our money and everybody wins.” said the dad.

Marge did and by that evening lots of cars turned up.

Plot 2[]

(Homer humming) Homer arrived to a strange family in the lounge. Two kids were playing checkers. The dad was concerned by his other kid playing a Gameboy instead. Dude it’s the twenty first century. Video games kick board game ass...

”Hmm? Oh, good. Marge remarried after I died.” said Homer. XD! “Wait a minute. I'm not dead. What's going on?!” Homer asked.

”You are dead... Homer Simpson....” said the Grim Reaper sat in the green armchair.

Homer screamed.

Marge arrived with cocoa and cookies.

“These are our new boarders.” said Marge.

”Uh-uh. No way. I'm not sharing my bed with anybody except you.“ said Homer to Marge.

”Awwwwww! That’s so sweet!” Marge sighed and kissed Homer.

“And maybe that guy.” Homer pointed at the dad who’s two kids were playing checkers and the third was playing a Gameboy. “Lincoln-style.”

Oscar screamed. “Aaaaaaagh! Eeeeeew!”

Marge grumbled annoyed at Homer.

“This is a great thing. We're helping people celebrate Christmas, and we'll be able to afford Christmas.” said Marge.

“Oh, I don't know. It won't seem like Christmas without opening up a giant credit card bill in January.” said Homer.

“Take a look at this.” Marge showed him a leaflet.

The Simpsons Bed and Breakfast. Not affiliated with Simpsons, the really, really posh London restaurant.

“What the...? "The Simpson Bed and Breakfast"? (chuckles) I always wanted to stay in a place like this.” said Homer. “But Christmas is a special time. And I like to spend it in the warm embrace of watching football.”

Marge glared at him and spoke sharply and nagging. “Homer Simpson, ask yourself, W.W.B.J.D.?”

“Huh?“ Homer asked.

”What would Baby Jesus do?“ Marge explained in question.

The Beach Boys played as Baby Jesus went to get a job running a hotel/B&B.

♪ My baby she told me she don't want to hold me ♪

♪ And kiss my lips anymore ♪

♪ She's gonna leave me ♪

♪ And she don't believe me ♪

♪ That I'll be true now ♪

♪ Well, maybe she don't love me ♪

♪ And is not thinkin' of me ♪

♪ But why'd she do it this time of year? ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ She knows that I'll miss her and I'll want to kiss her ♪

♪ If just for Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas... ♪

Baby Jesus went the Cornell School of Hotel Management.

He sat at a hotel desk and read and studied.

Then he sat in some important guy’s office and looked cute and humble while holding his halo. The man approved him a loan.

Jesus was in a run down shack redecorating it. Eventually it was nicely furnished and there were loads of guests.

Jesus was checking them in. However he turned away a biblical Bethlehem couple. That’s what you get for occupying a room at the inn so his mother had to give birth in a stable!

Soon his guests were hungry. He was astonished they had no food. He went to the kitchen. He had an idea. He used his holy powers to conjure up food for the guests.

Baby Jesus then soaked his feet in a warm tub of water and the commercial rated his hotel four and a half holy stars.

This was a daydream of Homer’s.

“Well, this crazy scheme is the kind of impulsive behavior I want to encourage in you.” said Homer. ‘Mmm... I'm in! 100%!”

“Oh, thank you.” Marge missed him. “Now, Homie, table three needs more bread.” In the dining room a family were silently pointing to the bread basket.

”I'm on a break.“ said Homer going off somewhere. That’s something Peter Griffin would do...

(groans) Marge groaned.

...

In the living room the guest’s children were playing a violent video game called Frosty the Hitman. Starring a character that’s a cross between a psychopathic snowman and Wolverine from the X Men. He stabbed Bob Cratchit with his claws, decapitated one of the three kings/wise men and stabbed a Grumple.

“Cooooool!” said Oscar.

Frosty/Snowman Logan then threw comics at the screen.

Bart came in and put a bellhop hat on.

“Welcome to our day care centre.” said Bart. “All girls, please move to cootie quarantine.” said Bart. Some girls were in a roped off area being guarded by Maggie and Eric.

“We've got a two-month-old. Are you sure you can handle her?” a couple handed their baby to Bart.

”Just don't lose this claim ticket.“ said Bart giving them a ticket.

They left.

”Coooool! Frosty the Hitman! This Christmas’s most violent game!” said Bart putting the baby in the cootie corner and watching some boys play a violent video game.

”No one puts baby in the corner!” yelled Patrick Swayze. Then the freaky shadow demons took him.

(Screaming) “No! What did I do wrong?! Oh yeah she was only seventeen...” said Patrick Swayze as he was dragged to Hell.

Bart winced.

...

At church.

“That church doesn't look very inspiring.”

“What a bland marquee.”

“It doesn't look very inviting.“

(indistinct chatter) said the Out of Towners.

”It’s a church you heathens...” said Lovejoy from the window of his office.

He needed a miracle to get these new worshippers hanging onto his every word. Because Christianity is “Obey God or burn in Hell!” Where as all the other religions are funny eating habits like don’t eat pork or beef. Mmmmmm! Unholy meat...”

Outside the church Oscar was strangling Matt Groening and wouldn’t let Bart or Lisa in the church.

”Lisa you’re a Buddhist why are anywhere near a church?! Bart you’re catholic...”

”Matt says I have to be here to prank...” said Bart.

”And I have to talk to Milhouse after church because I was inspired.” said Lisa.

”The Burger King is today’s guest sermon...” said Oscar.

Lisa stormed off to Richard Gere’s temple.

”And Bart you have to take your bout of Catholicism seriously... not like that time you were a Scientologist...” said Oscar to Bart.

Bart strangled him. “Stop going on about Nancy being a Scientologist!” Bart yelled.

”Praise Xenu!” Oscar gasped and wheezed.

Marge sighed

...

The Simpsons except Bart and Lisa went in the church. Bart went off to cathedral and Lisa went to Richard Gere’s Buddhist temple.

The Simpsons except Bart and Lisa sat down.

Lovejoy scowled. He went to his study to type up a sermon.

”Please Lord, guide my hands. I know we don’t have Mormon money.” Lovejoy sighed.

God laughed. “Those bigamists? I wouldn’t take a cent from them! Horhorhor! You’ve got my guidance Tim!” God helped him write an inspirational sermon.

”Wow this is good! Black church good...” said Lovejoy.

God frowned at him.

Later he arrived with his sermon and spoke. Then doves flew out of his sleeves!

Everyone gasped.

”There were doves in here?!” Lovejoy gasped.

”I haven’t felt this inspired since blueberries at breakfast.” said Ned. Mmmmmmm! Blueberries....

Then Rod and Todd had a religious fit.

Mrs K wasn’t with the Flanders in church... That meant she had finally passed on... RIP.

The Simpsons left church.

Milhouse waited checking his watch for Lisa.

”Thanks a lot Narrator...” He sighed.

”Continuity!” Oscar screamed at him angrily.

Lisa arrived panting exhausted.

“I’m supposed to say that sermon really inspired me. But I was at temple meditating and trying to find enlightenment.” said Lisa. “ while there I learned... This whole Christmas has been about money.”

(bell jingling) Bart had a bucket of money and rang a little bell. “Oh, are you with the Salvation Army?” The new people asked.

“What makes you think that?” Bart asked. A tramp gave him money. (clink) “Bless you.” (laughs) Bart laughed maniacally.

“But I'm gonna give gifts that aren't expensive and come from the heart.” said Lisa.

”I don't know. Christmas didn't get to be the number one holiday by being about love.“ said Milhouse.

“That’s the power of looooove!” Oscar sang playing his guitar. He sang power of love by Huey Lewis.

“Um, when a woman talks, she just wants to be heard.” said Lisa.

”Lisaaaaaaaaaaa!” Milhouse yelled like Marlon Brando.

”Ooooooooh! No! Must not find Stanley from A streetcar named Desire attractive!” Lisa grunted.

”Oh and besides Lisa. Last Christmas I gave the goddess Kali my heart but the very next day, she gave it away, and George Michael sang a song about it.” said Oscar.

Bart strangled him for being moronic.

...

At Home Marge is untangling the Christmas lights.

“Where's the end?” she moaned as she untangled them. Maggie popped out off the pile of neatly arranged Christmas lights coiled up like a garden hose. (gasps, groans) Marge gasped at Maggie startling her.

(Pacifier sounds)

“Hey, Marge, we're running out of chestnuts over here.” said a guest.

”Well, they don't grow on trees.” said Marge in a sing song manner.

”Uh, yeah, they do.” said a guest.

“Oh...!” Marge groaned.

”Here! Eat some conkers! Now shut up and get off Marge’s back!” Oscar yelled dumping conkers in the chestnut bowl.

”Oz they have to be sweet chestnuts... not horse chestnuts...” said Hugo.

“What about our romantic carriage ride through the snow?” A couple asked.

”Setting it up.” said Marge.

Out in the drive someone was looking at a leaflet of a man in a top hat and coat tails driving a horse drawn carriage. But the reality was Homer squeezed into Maggie’s brick cart which was being pulled by Snowball II and Santa’s Little Helper.

“I don't think you're giving them what they were promised, Dad.” said Bart as a bellhop.

”The secret is: Don't read the comment cards.” said Homer.

”Where do the people sit?“ Bart asked.

“I thought they were just gonna watch me.” said Homer he trained the dog and cat to follow pictures of things they liked. Santa was being bribed by a picture of a bone. Snowball was being bribed by a picture of a fish.

Inside. “Excuse me. This eggnog is terrible.” said a black guy with glasses. He disliked the eggnog.

”All eggnog is terrible.” Marge said sharply.

”Those stockings are not hung by the chimney with care.“ said a lady, a stocking caught light! Marge put out the flames with cocoa.

“Why did I do this for money? Why did I do this for money?” Marge groaned.

“And the Christmas special on your television is one of the worst.” The lady added.

Announcer: “We now return to King Winter Feasts On His Children.”

Oscar screamed with laughter. The show was about a giant ice man Kronos who eats his own children.

Bellhop Bart groaned.

“By the time Princess Summer comes to save you, you'll all be blood in my beard.” said King Winter. “Ho, ho, ho, ho. Your own father's beard.” (King Winter cackling)

Oscar screamed. “Aaaaaaaagh! Run for your lives! King Winter is gonna eat your children!”

The parents glared at Marge.

Plot 3[]

In Springfield heights, the rich part of town, outside the Abercrombie and Rich was a young handsome man topless and his fellow models. Two ladies showing off swim suits.

”Oooooooh! You’re coming home with me, darling.” Julio the gay hairdresser said as he took the young male super model home with him.

The people from out of town were waiting for Santa. The actual Santa.

“How long to see Santa?“ The Mom asked.

“How would I know? I'm an accountant.” said a short grumpy accountant.

”I imagine for small business, huh?“ the Dad laughed.

“God, I hate Christmas.” the Accountant grumbled. That night he was visited by three ghosts who beseeched to him to change the error of his ways and be more festive!

“Huh? Mr. Flanders, where's your store?” Lisa asked seeing Ned reduced to a kiosk.

“Mwuhahahaha!” Evil Homer and Evil Oscar wearing Red Devil feety pyjamas laughed maniacally and held tridents.

“Well, I'm down to a kiosk, thanks to that place.” said Ned pointing to a left handed store called Southpaw Studios with a lazy Susan inside spinning with a black limo on it twirling around.

”At least they’re not judgemental about my gay friends and lecturing them...” said Oscar waking about with some very gay men.

”Sodomy is a sin!” Ned held a bible at him.

”No it’s not, Stupid Flanders....” said Oscar taking his gay friends to Southpaw Studios.

”Actually, half a kiosk. Sharing it with Nasreen here.” said Ned spinning his kiosk round. A Muslim woman on the other side was selling beauty products.

“No cream is finer than mall kiosk cream. J.Lo use it.” said Nasreen to Lisa.

”No, thanks...” Lisa walked off.

”It is no wonder you are not married.“ Nasreen ranted.

“I am only eight!” Lisa yelled back.

“Flip me back.” Nasreen sat in her kiosk. Ned spun her back round.

”If I have to give presents, I'll give presents with a purpose.” said Lisa. “One for Maggie. Check.” She bought Maggie a box of pacifier addiction patches. Like nicotine patches.

”All that's left is Bart.” said Lisa. She looked at the Art of Slingshot store. “No.“ Pranks of America. “No.” Burp, Barf and Beyond. “No. No, no, no... Ah, perfect.” She stubbornly refused to get him what he wanted. Shame on her!

“I’m maxing out my credit card buying Bart gifts from all those prank stores. Because I actually love Bart...” said Oscar.

”Uh you know he doesn’t love you back. Just those thoughtless, crass marketing gifts that he gets bored of by January...” Lisa sighed.

At home Grampa played the piano while people sang hymns.

♪ All from Satan's power ♪

♪ As we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh, tidings ♪

♪ Of comfort and joy ♪

♪ In Bethlehem, in Israel this blessed babe was born... ♪

“Enough. Stop!” Marge, yes I hear you gasp! Marge of all people yelled. “Christmas carols only have one verse. Well, they may have more, but the second verse is where they get all weird and religiousy.”

”Marge! Shame on you and your sudden blasphemy!” Oscar gasped.

Ned glared at her.

”Marge if you’re not gonna take your faith seriously then what is the point making your family get up early every weekend for church?” Oscar ranted.

”Yeah Marge.” said Ned.

”But that’s besides the... Fine! From the top people...”. Marge sighed and waved a baton.

Grampa played the piano.

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ In Bethlehem, in Israel ♪

♪ This blessed Babe was born ♪

♪ And laid within a manger ♪

♪ Upon this blessed morn ♪

♪ The which His Mother Mary ♪

♪ Did nothing take in scorn ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Fear not then, said the Angel ♪

♪ Let nothing you affright ♪

♪ This day is born a Saviour ♪

♪ Of a pure Virgin bright ♪

♪ To free all those who trust in Him ♪

♪ From Satan's power and might ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

“Aaaaaaagh! It burns! Aaaaaaagh! Marge immolated and burnt up, retreated to Hell.

Good riddance... thought Oscar as the guests sang.

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

The guests pant exhausted as Grampa stops playing. Ned clapped and smiled.

”That’ll chase the devil away this fine Christmas!” said Ned.

“Uh, more wassail, please. And don't skimp on the aromatic bitters.” Gloria asked Marge who came back from Hell to pick at her faith bits at it she liked, like Oscar picks at food to pick out the peppers....

”For your information, Gloria, my wassail is just Gatorade I put in the microwave.“ Marge ranted.

”Queen of the Harpies! Queen of the Harpies! Here’s your crown your majesty!” Oscar ranted.

The drunk husband from Lovejoy’s marriage counselling looked embarrassed.

(both gasp) “I drank that under the mistletoe.” Gloria’s husband gasped.

”It's not mistletoe, just cherries and lettuce.“ hung from a door frame was some lettuce and cherries.

Dino, Oscar’s baby Chomby look a like Cartoon dinosaur was panting and drooling as he looked at the lettuce and cherries.

“Oh! I thought when I ate it, it wasn't poisonous.” said the husband.

“Why did you want it to be poisonous...” Oscar groaned...

“I've opened up my house to you and all you do is fill this joyous season with petty complaints.” Marge ranted.

“Marge! Stop being rude to our guests...” Oscar growled under his breath.

“Ho, ho, ho.” Homer was dressed as Santa.

“Oh my god! Santaaaaaaaa!” Oscar screamed with delight.

“Not now. Take out that pillow and put it in room three.” Marge sighed.

(sighs) Marge there is no pillow. This is all me...” said Homer.

“Geez Louise! After the holidays you’re going on a diet! And I mean it this time!” Marge gasped.

“Any more questions?” Marge started being rude to her guests again.

”Uh, yes, will the pudding be figgy?“ a posh guy asked.

“The pudding will be Jell-O.” Marge snapped.

”Quite so.“ said the posh guy.

“I'm going to sulk in my room.” Gloria cried.

“The only thing good about this place is the piano player.” A man ranted.

(coins rattle) Grampa rattles his coin jar.

The guests paid him.

”Thanks a lot Marge!” Oscar snapped.

”What did I do?!” Marge yelled.

”You volunteered to turn your house into a B & B. When you go into customer to customer service business such as running a B & B you don’t be rude to the customers! They’re paying you to get you through this expensive Christmas! Remember? You just have to take their petty complaints and smile... which aren’t petty, make an effort! It’s Christmas! I don’t want to see salad posing as deadly holly or mistletoe, I don’t want to be drinking microwaved Gatorade or eating Jell-O...” Oscar lectured her.

Marge stormed off.

”I’m going to Moe’s... Homer you’ll have to show me the way, because I don’t usually drink to handle my stress...” Marge ranted as she put on her cost and left.

”Thanks a lot kid...” Homer sighed going out with Marge.

”Don’t worry folks. I’m just the chihuahua. When I set Gordon Ramsay on her, she’ll run this B & B like Baby Jesus. If he owned a B & B.” said Oscar to the guests.

...

Christmas day!

The Simpsons alone because the guests got fed up with Marge being rude to them. Were handing out presents to each other.

“Lis, here’s your present.” Bart was being nice for once and gave Lisa her present.

She opened it.

gasps) “An Angelica Button wizard robe. With wand pocket.” Lisa was joyful she could cosplay as her Harry Potter rip off...

”And wand.“ Bart gave her a magic wand with a bow wrapped round it.

(gasps) Lisa gasped. “Professor Digglesby's wand. Now I have every wizarding stick from the Spells and Potions Department of Wagglepoofs Academy.” said Lisa.

“Don't make me learn about it.” Bart groaned.

”Well I will! Because I friggin’ love Angelica Button and Harry Potter! Expelliarmus!!” Oscar got a little too enthusiastic.

Lisa smiled and waved her wand about.

“I know this Christmas has been a little rocky, even for the Simpsons,” said Lisa. “but I think these gifts born of thought and love will restore the balance of prajna and samsara.” Mmmmmmm... Buddhism...

The Simpsons stared blankly.

“I mean holly and jolly.” Lisa sighed. “Now, Dad, I'd like to give you your present.” Homer opened it. It was bags of seeds he thought was cannabis.

”You got me weed?“ Homer asked.

“Lis! That gift was for my uncle Buck...” said Oscar.

“Even better. They're bags of seeds. So that you can plant a garden and watch it grow.” said Lisa.

”That's great, sweetie. After all that time and hard work, I'll have... radishes?!“ Homer was horrified the seeds were radishes. “It's the most hated part of salad, which is the most hated part of dinner.”

Maggie was covered in pacifier addiction patched sucking her pacifier.

“Radishes, nothing but radishes.” Homer ranted. He ate some of the seeds.

“Dad, stop!” Lisa whined.

“What? I'm saving them from the struggle of life.” Homer asked.

“Well, at least you're eating vegetables.” said Lisa.

“Vegetables?! Bleh!” He spat out the seeds. Poor seeds...

”Okay, Bart, open your present. It's the one I'm most excited about.“ said Lisa.

“Plastic bubbling vomit, plastic bubbling vomit.” Bart wanted some sort of prank device. He was disappointed to get a copy of Treasure Island.

”What? Lis, you're smart. Why would you give me a book?“ Bart whined.

”'Cause it's easy to wrap?“ Hugo asked.

”Nothing is easy to wrap. I have trouble with scissors.” said Lisa. She ran off crying. (sobs)

(guests murmuring) The guests complained again.

”Marge, the brochure promised us a happy Christmas.“ said Gloria annoyed.

“My uncle died in your bed. Merry Christmas.“ Marge snapped.

Plot 4[]

Marge was in the boss’s office. Bart’s room.

”Marge you leave me no choice. Actually you deserve this totally and utterly for your shameful and disgusting behaviour towards or guests! Your fired!” Oscar yelled.

”Oz you can’t fire me from my own business...” Marge sighed.

’I can if your driving it into the ground... snapping at the guests every time they complain... that’s what guests do! Sort out the complaints you can. Apologise for the ones you can’t. Taking short cuts because you can’t get vital stock or Christmas decorations... stop shopping at Apu’s and keeping him in business! Shop at MonstroNart...” said Oscar. “Being blasphemous over Christmas carols. They are supposed to be preachy! Because Christianity is about a 2090 year old book telling us how to live our lives! You can’t pick at it like I do with vegetables I didn’t like. The devout will see you as a heretic and the the liberals will hate you for still holding onto a stifling faith! Get off of that fence! It’s not comfortable! Especially picket fences...”

”Oz can we just get back to opening presents....” Marge sighed.

”Delends on when Lisa has stopped crying over her thoughtless presents because apparently asking for something in particular each year is selfish and you should find a gift you’ve not interested in lovely because of the effort the person buying it made....” Oscar ranted.

”I’m trying to get Bart to better himself by reading...” Lisa sobbed.

”That’s not gonna happen...” said Oscar...

The Simpsons continued present opening.

”Hugo, I think you’ll find this gift thoughtful. Even if if isn’t a brain frying atomic death ray...” Lisa gave a Hugo a gift.

He opened it. It was a pair I’d sneakers like Bart’s. “Shoes?! You got me shoes?!’ Hugo yelled.

”Hugo you keep cutting your feet open...” said Lisa.

”I hate shoes! And I hate you!” Hugo snapped and threw the shoes at her.

Lisa ran off crying.

...

That evening.

(yawns) Lisa shares her room with several kids in sleeping bags. Some pieces of paper flew in and landed on her waking her up. ,What? (gasps) N.C. Wyeth. (huge gasp) These are book illustrations!” Outside in the yard Bart and Milhouse were burning a book. I did a Nazi that coming....

Lisa ran out into the backyard in her nightie yelling. “Stop it! Stop it! Why in the world would you burn a book?”

“Actually, the idea to do this came from a book.” said Bart.

”Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury?“ Lisa sighed.

“What? No!” said Bart.

“The Nazis?” asked Hugo wearing pyjamas.

”No Hugo... not the Nazis...” Bart sighed.

“I got it from this.“ said Bart. Milhouse was holding a book called The Berry Stained Bears make S’mores, XD!

“See?” said Milhouse.

Oscar laughed hysterically.

Bart sighed. “What is funny now?!”

”Berry stained bears.... Doo dooo dooo....” Oscar laughed and did the voices of the bears.

Bart sighed.

“How could you burn the present I gave you?” Lisa cried.

”Because it's my present.” said Bart. “Did you give it to me because you thought I'd like it or because you wanted to feel better about yourself”

”Children, perhaps it's time that I explain the true meaning of Christmas.” said Ned in his night clothes and a hat.

“Shut up, Flanders.“ said Homer.

“Okily-dokily.” said Ned.

In Bart’s room the next day. The guests were leaving.

“Now, did you check the room to make sure you haven't left anything? Bart asked guests.

”All set.“ said a guest.

”Need directions or a bottle of water?” Bart asked.

“No, thanks. We're fine.“ said a Dad and he paid Bart handsomely.

”Thank you, sir.” said Bart politely. Homer came in in just his underwear. (clears throat) Bart angrily clears his throat.

“Oh, right, we're still doing that.” said Homer, “Come on. I'll drive you to the airport. Where are my keys? Oh, right in here.” Said Homer.

“Dad get dressed!” Bart yelled.

Lisa came in.

“Bart, you were right.” said Lisa.

”If you smell your farts in a dream, you die?“ Bart asked. XD!

Oscar laughed hysterically. “Coooool!”

“No, about Christmas. So I went out this morning and I got you this.“ said Lisa giving him a tablet computer. “It's a tablet with books on it, but also apps, like Worms With Friends.”

(muffled grumbling) Milhouse was the screensaver with gummy worms stuffed in his mouth.

Bart saw red. “I’M GONNA KILL THAT (censored)ING MilHOUSE!” Bart stormed off.

”But Bart...” Lisa whined.

Bart arrived at Milhouse’s house. He was in the snowy backyard naked with gummy worms in his mouth. Oscar was in the background naked holding a basketball. Bart throttled Milhouse. “Stop it! Stop it with the gummy worms you ninny!”

”Bart!” Lisa cried.

Bart released Milhouse.

“My make up gift?” Lisa asked.

Bart looked at his new tablet it was a very nice gift.

“Wow. But how'd you afford it?”

“I sold the gift you gave me.” said Lisa. On the tablet was the book The Gift of the Magi. “Get the twist?”

“Obviously. You're saying it's from Maggie, but actually it's from you.” said Bart. “Thanks, Lis.” They hugged. Awwwwww! “Now, why don't you donate that to whatever hopeless cause you want.” Bart gave her some of his wages.

”Thanks, Bart. This will make a lot of arctic loons very happy.“ said Lisa.

”I uh. I can’t write anything funny there. Do they make scary night time swamp noises like Canadian Loons?” Oscar asked.

”No Oz...” Lisa sighed.

...

(Marge groans) She found the guests leaving.

”Uh, listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I overreacted.” said Marge. “Thank you all for coming.”

”Yeah, well, we have something to say to you, Marge.” said a dad.

(groans) Marge was worried.

The guests were singing!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year.

♪ Good tidings we bring...

“No second verses. They creep me out.“ Marge yelled.

”Let them sing you heathen!” Oscar yelled.

”Fine...” Marge grumbled.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year.

♪ Good tidings we bring. To you and your king! ♪

“We don’t have a king... this is a Republic....” said Marge.

”They’re singing about Jesus...” Oscar growled.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas! And a happy new year! ♪ There was a crescendo.

”At last...” Marge sighed.

♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

♪ And bring it right here ♪

Marge screamed and pulled at her blue hair messing up her beehive hair do,

♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your king... ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year! ♪

Marge screamed “No no no no!”

”Keep singing... let her have her melt down....” said Oscar before resuming singing.

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ So bring it right here ♪

“GET OOOOOOOUUUUUUUTT!” Marge screamed.

...

The guests left.

Oscar was handling the finances. “Thanks Marge... Now those guests won’t come back.”

”Fine I’m making myself a smoothie...” Marge sighed.

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪ On the feast of Stephen... ♪

“Oh, that one creeps me out from the beginning.“ Marge commented rudely as she heard her family singing King Wenceslas.

♪ When the snow lay round about ♪

♪ Deep and crisp and even ♪

(loud whirring)

Marge turned on a blender and made a smoothie. “Oh, the happy sound of a blender.” said Marge.

The End!

Carol of the Bells plays over the credits which has all the funny licence plates.

Then Baby Jesus charged 1,000 dollars for a two night stay at his hotel and sat smugly.

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