Treehouse of Horror XXI It’s Halloween time for season twenty two! Bart and Milhouse discover a mysterious board game in the attic. Marge and Homer on a cruise accidentally kill Hugh Laurie until he turns up alive, of course! And Lisa falls for a vampire, a twilight vampire!
And Oscar is madly obsessed with the movie and TV references and the oh god! It’s Jumanji and vampires!!
The opening is Bart and Homer carving pumpkins while the great pumpkin screams in the background.
Homer is placing a finished pumpkin and presenting his posterior to Bart. Bart is tempted to prank him. He pranks Homer by carving a jack o lantern face on his trousers. Bart laughs.
“Why you little!” Homer yelled and strangled Bart. However Bart shoved a jack o lantern on his head and it somehow catches fire. “Aaaaaarrrrgggh! Under this smile I’m in horrible pain!” Homer screamed in agony.
Bart laughed and ran off chased by Homer.
However this was a recording by Professor Frink.
He is doing Marge’s parental advisory that the episode is scary she used to do when Treehouse of Horror started. Ah... such nostalgia...
“Gahoy! Ladies and gentlemen. And monsters. It is another ghoulish Halloween special...” he goes through an X ray machine and has a chestburster from Alien inside him on the X Ray.
“For those with children who do not wish to let their offspring watch this stomach churning episode. Please press the fast forward button of their TV remote.” said Frink.
He fast forwards the episode. Homer gets the burning jack o lantern off of his own head and fights violently with Bart. For example he tries to impale Bart with a demonic trident. But runs him over with a lawn mower in retaliation and runs it over him.
Homer then smacks Bart with a gravestone and batters him with it repeatedly.
However Frink fast forwards too much and ruins the episode for everyone as clips of the episode are shown.
“Oh dear I went too fast and spoiled the episode for everyone! I don’t deserve to live!” said Frink. He aged himself to death with the remote pointing it at himself and pushing fast forward until he is reduced to dust. His dust spells Treehouse of Horror XXI.
“He chose, poorly...” said the grail night from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Then a Frankenstein Monster picked up the remote.
“Monster free. Monster go home and watch the Office because it is like Monster’s workplace...” said the Frankenstein monster.
The theme to the Office plays but with Frankenstein Monster and his monster friends from last years Treehouse of Horror such as Wolfman, Dracula and the mummy working in an office with other monsters.
The open titles are The Simpsons.
War and Pieces
The Jumanji spoof!
The story starts with Bart and Milhouse playing a very violent video game on the Wii/Zii.
“Milhouse we’re surrounded! Do we have enough points for a weapon upgrade?” Bart asked Milhouse.
“Certainly! That was a great idea killing all those elf babies.” said Milhouse. Awwwww! The poor baby elves!
“Nothing like a weapon made of weapons.” said Bart.
Marge came in with a washing basket.
“Lovejoy said you shouldn’t play that game!” said Marge,
“Lovejoy is playing it with us, right now...” said Bart.
“The power of my gun compels you!” said Reverend Lovejoy shooting people.
“Hmmmmmm!” Marge was annoyed at being undermined.
“Look it’s just make believe... no one actually gets hurt...” said Bart. He accidentally smacked Milhouse with his Wii remote.
“Ow! My none lazy eye!” Milhouse whined.
Marge sighed and grumbled.
They went to the attic.
Hugo was in the background sewing animals together with string and a needle while laughing maniacally.
“Oh great... now we’re referencing previous Treehouse of Horrors...” said Bart.
“Eat my webs!” A Bart spider yelled in a squeaky voice.
“Look, there’s lots of fun and harmless board games up here that can’t hurt anyone.” said Marge. However when she pulled out a board game it smacked Milhouse.
“Ow! My other eye!” He whined.
After she left Bart uninterested in the board games went through them. “So which of these bored lames shall we play?” He asked Milhouse. “Taffy land?” Candy land.
“Chutes and risers?” said Milhouse. Snakes and Ladders.
“Consternation?” Bart asked.
“Ravenous, Ravenous Rhinos?” Milhouse asked. Hungry, hungry hippos of course! XD.
“Mouse catch?” Bart asked. Mousetrap.
“Battle boat?” Milhouse asked. Battleship.
“Funopoly?” Bart asked. Monopoly obviously...
“Crate of apes?” Milhouse asked. You damn dirty apes! (Barrel of monkeys from Toy Story.)
“Yahtzoo?” Bart asked. Yahtzee...
“Tiddlywonks?” Milhouse asked. Tiddlywinks.
Bart found an old dusty board game alone on the shelf. “Hey... I’ve never seen this one before...” he said picking it up and blowing off the dust. Into Milhouse’s face.
The board game was an evil looking one called Satan’s Path. Mwuhahahaha! It’s basically Jumanji but made by Satan!
“Satan’s path.” said Milhouse.
“Hey, it’s gotta be good if Satan put his name on it!” said Bart eager to play... he opened the board game. Inside was the satanic board game, a Frustration dice roller that you press down to roll the dice inside and game pieces. But no Robin Williams...
Bart rolled his eyes.
Milhouse read the instructions.
“Here I’ll be the demon, you be the thimble.” said Bart. Why a thimble was a playing piece I don’t know...
“Awwwww! I’m always the thimble...” Milhouse whined. Um... you’ve never played this board game before...
Bart rolled the dice by pressing the Frustration dice dome and got a two. He moved his piece. “One...” the house shook violently and spilt Hugo’s science experiment. Bart looked about wondering what caused the shaking but continued. “Two.”
The done n the centre glowed. Cool beans! And then lightning zapped the other board games and they flew out the windows and made holes in the attic walls. Then Monopoly guy arrived on a train from Pennsylvania. “I’m rich! Now to spend all this money on oriental prostitutes Avenue!” said Monopoly Guy. Mmmmmm... oriental...
The attic fell apart.
“Coooooool! The board games came to life!” said Bart. Seeing board game pieces causing carnage and madness. Ie giant bugs crawling everywhere. Rod and Todd trapped under Kerplunk, the apes from Crate of Apes escaping.
“Coooooool! It’s just like Jumanji!” Oscar cooed.
“Yes... that’s the point of the story Oz...” said Bart.
“I’m gonna annoy Peter and Judy!” Oscar ran off to annoy Peter and Judy.
Meanwhile around town, everyone was dealing with the giant board games. Chief Wiggum and his officers, Lou and Eddie were on a giant chessboard.
“Um Chief that giant horse head doesn’t look very friendly...” said Lou.
“Don’t worry men. To get to us he must move two up and one across.” said Wiggum. You fool!
The knight landed on and crushed Wiggum. Lou and Eddie dived out of the way.
“Game, set and match...” Wiggum said as he died.
“Um I believe it is check and mate...” said Lou.
“I just got crushed by a giant horse head, Lou... cut me some slack...” said Wiggum.
Elsewhere Selma was playing behind the door. “Ooooooh! I wonder who my date is...”
Her date was Kang wearing glasses and holding flowers.
The aliens leitmotif played.
Selma sighed and shut the door on him. Then she got Kang dressed in a smart dinner suit. Selma thought he was gorgeous. Yeeeeeuck!
Then Homer was playing Chutes and Ladders but kept going down the chutes. Damn American terminology... I can make its British form, Snakes and Ladders far more interesting.
At the Simpsons giant Slinkies smashed everything such as Homer’s car. And a giant lawn dart landed in the front yard.
“How do we stop all of this?!” Bart asked Milhouse observing the carnage.
“Luckily I can read Latin!” said Lisa reading the instructions. “Basically to put everything back, you have to finish the game...”
“And if we can’t?” Bart asked.
Prepare to have to deal with more madness like that...” said Lisa.
Oscar was laughing hysterically while chasing Robin Williams as Alan Parrish with a Kerplunk stick.
“And that...” Lisa added.
A cup poured out dice that were Moe, Smithers, Sideshow Mel, Mr Largo and Willie. “Yahtzee...” they sighed and the cup scooped them up. Why they in particular got turned into dice I don’t know.
“Ah back in the felt lined cup...” Mel sighed happily.
“Hey Mr Positive! Shut up!” Moe yelled.
Bart and Milhouse explored the board game world. Cough Jumanji cough...
Oscar was singing the word Jumanji repeatedly to the Jumanji cartoon theme. “Jumanji! Jumanjiiiiii... where there’s evil jungle animals and Robin Williams! Jumanji! Jumanji... With Van Pelt, man eating plants and Peter and Judy...“
“Oz we get it! Stop singing about Jumanji!” Bart whined. Suddenly there was something growling and that something was the man from Operation with the light up red nose!
“Raaaaaagh!” The operation man roared. He was huge too.
“Ay carumba!” Bart yelled.
“Eeeeeew! He’s still in his heart print underwear...” Oscar groaned.
A monkey from Crate of Apes stole a bone from the Operation Guy.
The Operation Guy roared and stomped after the ape.
“We have to cross the Battle boats lake!” said Bart as he got on a boat with Milhouse.
“I can’t swim without water wings! I’ll catch you guys later!” said Oscar taking the long way.
Bart sighed at Oscar’s childishness.
“We’ll go to B12.” said Bart.
Bart and Milhouse to B12!” A voice boomed.
A plastic torpedo landed on their ship sinking it.
“They sunk our battle boat!” said Milhouse.
“If only I could see my mom one more time. I’d say, this is all your fault!” Bart yelled.
Marge was inside the world of Cluedo. They have Simpson version in real life! XD!
“Well Colonel Ketchup.” said Marge investigating a corpse. “I say it was you who killed him in the parlour with the letter opener!”
“He was going to leave me! And I am too old to find anyone else!” said Colonel Ketchup. Who is gay apparently.
Marge grumbled annoyed.
Oscar as Professor Plum was quite annoyed that in generation one version of Simpsons Cluedo Bart is the Professor.
“Bart is way too much of a Neanderthal to be the Professor therefore I demand that the Professor be Frink or Hugo...” said Oscar.
“Fine you get Homer as the Professor Plum in generation two versions of the game.” said the deep voice.
“No... that’s even worse! Homer can’t even think his way out of a paper bag...” Oscar whined.
Luckily Hugo’s in the Treehouse of Horror version of Simpsons monopoly.
Bart and Milhouse were in a dire situation. Milhouse was drowning.
“Milhouse get on the scrabble piece!” Bart tried to pull him onto the Q piece.
“No! I’ll tip the letter! Q is just too valuable!” said Milhouse.
“Look! There’s a blank piece! It can be anything!” said Bart.
“Maybe I’m just tired of living...” said Milhouse. He let go of the letter piece and disappeared under the surface and drowned. Morbidly the scrabble pieces spelt out RIP.
“Noooooooooo! Milhouse!” Bart cries for his friend.
“Neeeeeeearrrr, Faaaaaaarrrr.... Where ever you aaaaaarrrrreee! I believe that the heart does go oooooooooon! (On... sing backing singers)” sung Celine Dion.
Bart glared at the fourth wall for my stupid references.
Bart eventually landed at a coast.
“The last challenge. Mouse trap. A game so lame no one has ever finished it...” said Bart. However as he approached Mouse Trap he heard rabid zombie growls.
“Crazy aces!!” Bart screamed because there was a hoard of crazy Aces from a deck of cards. As card people. The crazy Aces were growling and laughing maniacally.
“Off with his head!!” The Queen of Hearts yelled.
Bart sweat dropped.
“I would just like to add, as well as crazy playing card Aces there is also homicidally insane Ace. The vampire kid character...” said Oscar.
A rabid Ace growling was leading the crazy Aces.
Bart face palmed.
Bart grabbed a Kerplunk javelin. But this unstables the marbles and they fall and crush Rod and Todd in a bloody pulp. Eeeeew!
“Ha ha!” Oscar laughs at them.
“Now to win this game how I usually win board games! By destroying and killing everything!” said Bart. He skewered Ace and the crazy playing card aces on a Kerplunk javelin while riding a makeshift vehicle of board game stuff like a cannon. He then blew Ace and the rabid playing cards to pieces.
Bart looked smug at destroying board game stuff but suddenly he heard growling and horrible sounds as a hoard of board game pieces and stuff was heading from over the horizon. He quickly played Mouse trap and sent his Grampa in a diving suit flying. “This is an odd way to catch a mouse!” said Grampa landing head first with a crunch. Ouch!
Bart was annoyed to find the mouse trap game was broken. As the cage wouldn’t come down on the mouse.
“This thing never works!” Bart whined. He kicked the post until the cage came down and landed on the mouse. It glowed with the eerie light and everything got sucked back in and reset as if Bart and Milhouse had never played that day... even Milhouse was alive again!
“Right that’s it! From now on we just play Hangman!” Bart said annoyed.
They were sentenced to the gallows! Mwuhahahaha!
“No wait!” Bart begged the medieval hang man about hang them.
The answer is Wheel of Fortune. Mmmm.. Pat Sajak...
“Um is it three?” Milhouse asked. There was a buzzer.
“You idiot! Three ain’t a letter! It’s a number!” Bart yelled.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Milhouse smacked his head against the post of the gallows. They were then both dropped and hanged... eep! That’s rather morbid!
Master and Cadaver
The one on the boat with Hugh Laurie!
Marge was on a boat on vacation or something when Jaws music played and she screamed when a great big shark mounted itself on the boat and spat out Homer.
“Whoops! Scared ya didn’t I honey?” said Homer. He had a bottle of champagne and wine glasses. The conversation was about them sailing their boat to uncharted waters. Shark infested uncharted waters.
“Yeah charts are for squares...” said Homer wiping himself with the map and throwing it in the sea.
Apparently they were in the middle of the ocean because they were on a honeymoon. Marge took some ice from the champagne bucket because she felt hot and rubbed herself with the ice in a sexy manner.
Homer got very aroused and a slide whistle played. “Oooooh! It’s my ring tone!” He whined.
“No Lenny! Get your own coffee! I’m on my second honeymoon!” said Homer to Lenny before putting the phone down. “Now where were we...” the happy couple snogged each other.
However they were interrupted. This time by the shark as it mounted the deck and spat out Hugh Laurie. He said in a serious manner that Marge apparently saved him when he drifted at sea having escaped from the ship he was on because apparently a pie he cooked, or the chef cooked, killed everyone. He made himself scarce and ended up on the Boat Marge and Homer were on.
Homer was annoyed. “Marge... can I speak with you, alone...” Homer said harshly trying to talk quietly but angry.
They both went somewhere. “Marge I don’t trust this guy...” said Homer.
Then suddenly Hugh Laurie remembered he was a comedy actor and not a straight actor.
“Patient?! Blblblblblbl!Blackadder! I’m as patient as Percy Patient!” Hugh Laurie said to Rowan Atkinson as Blackadder.
Then the shark arrived again and spat out Robert Shaw, or half of him and he spat out blood and died.
“Um okay... why is half the guy from Jaws here?!” said Homer.
“Homer that’s Robert Shaw...” said Marge. “From Russia With Love.”
“Um excuse me. I’ve made you a pie.” said Hugh Laurie trying to be serious as he held a delicious dessert pie.
“Hahahaha! Oh god your hilarious!” Homer laughed hysterically at him. “Remember when you were dressed as a woman and Melchette wanted to sleep with you?! Ahahahaha!”
Hugh Laurie sighed and rolled his eyes.
“Homer I’ve been in other things...”said Hugh Laurie.
Homer and Marge debated as to whether or not Hugh Laurie was dangerous or not. And wherever his pie was safe to enough to eat or not...”
“Homer Hugh Laurie is not gonna kill us with poisonous pie. Besides it’s your favourite! Peach!”
“I’m sure that was Monkey Hero’s favourite...” said Homer.
“We need to kill Hugh before he kills us...” said Homer.
“Well right now he’s making us buns.” said Marge.
Hugh Laurie was rolling out some dough while a similar sinister leitmotif to the Sideshow Bob theme played.
Then a nurse appeared.
“Doctor, we can’t make out a diagnosis for this patient!” said the Nurse.
Hugh Laurie was now Dr House.
His patient was a fat bald guy eating.
“Ah you must be Dr House.” said the fat guy.
“And you must be full of baloney, a lot of it by the looks of things.” said Dr House.
“Ah a fat joke. The only people you can still make fun of...” said the fat guy annoyed.
“And Christians, and black people.” said Dr House. A record needle scratched and Oscar appeared.
“Whoa! Whoa! No! That’s too far! Go back to being George from Blackadder!” Oscar found that gag in bad taste.
Hugh was then making scones while evil music played.
“They can call this one recipe for murder!” said Honer.
“Whatcha mean this one?” Marge asked.
“Never mind...” said Homer.
Then the shark coughed up another celebrity. This time Samuel L Jackson!
“They ate me! A mother fucking shark ate me!” Samuel L Jackson yelled.
“Oh hell no!” said Homer shoving him off the boat to drown. “Eat deadly pie shark!” He forced the pie into the shark’s mouth. It promptly died from the poisonous pie.
They then plotted to kill Hugh Laurie. It involved Marge asking Hugh for the suntan lotion. As Marge put on the suntan lotion there was boing sound as Hugh got aroused.
“Ooooh! A text message!” The inappropriate sounds were from Homer’s phone.
“Now!” Marge yelled.
Homer violently turned the ship’s wheel and a sail whacked Hugh Laurie seemingly killing him.
“Oh my god! We killed him!” Marge yelled.
“You bastards!” Kyle yelled sailing in a life boat. And rowing himself off somewhere.
Homer grabbed a harpoon gun and shot Kyle from South Park.
“What are we gonna do?” Marge lamented.
“We’ll just bury him at sea.” said Homer.
He got out a shovel and tossed soil on Hugh Laurie with it. A “burial” at sea.
A live audience groaned and jeered at my pun.
The guilty couple drank champagne and wore sunglasses. Homer’s sunglasses were missing a lens.
“Loooook!” said Marge. They passed an old crusty looking boat called the Albatross. I think Hugh Laurie mentions it as his vessel he fled from after witnessing everyone die from his poisonous pie but this story is boring and I’m not just comparing it with the high octane awesome previous story. It is really weak for a Treehouse of horror story...
They got on the boat and saw a murder scene straight out of Agatha Christie!
“Sacré bleu! These people have been murdered!” said Poirot.
However Marge found some crucial evidence that meant Hugh was innocent. A broken soy sauce bottle.
“Soy sauce killed them!” said Marge.
“How?” Homer asked.
“It was low sodium!” said Marge. They died from sodium deficiency?!
“We killed an innocent man! We’re murderers!” Marge cried.
“Well, well...” said Hugh Laurie alive and covered in seaweed.
“You tried to kill me!” Hugh Laurie.
“You went from being the fool and silly comedy to the straight man making controversial sarcastic comments! You’ve ruined my imagination of you! Damn you George from Blackadder! Let me typecast you!!” Homer ranted.
“No! I want to do other things than surreal British comedy!”
“Your pie killed people! You tried to kill us with one!” Homer yelled.
“The pie was clean!” Hugh Laurie yelled.
“Then why did that shark die when it ate the pie?!” Homer yelled.
“The fuel leaking from your boat and poisoning the ocean probably killed it!” Hugh Laurie yelled.
Homer pointed a harpoon gun at Hugh Laurie.
“Oooooh! The monkey got a gun...” said Hugh Laurie. Homer shot him and a harpoon impaled him and he died.
“Why did you do that?!” Marge yelled.
“Because he’d tell everyone we tried to kill him!” said Homer.
Then a guest with a stupid British accent woke up.
“Aaaaaagh! Zombies!” Homer screamed.
“We’re not really dead. I suspected our host may try to poison us so I secretly gave us all the antidote.” said the guest at the dinner table.
“Why you! Afraid of dying are ya?!” Homer grabbed the flare gun and tried to lad and fire it but struggled so he pistol whipped the man with it until he died then the gun discharged and blew a gaping hole in another guest.
“What’s going on here?” said two British men reviving from pretending to be poisoned.
“It’s time to haul anchor!” Homer stabbed them with an anchor and threw them overboard.
“Blackadder! Blackadder! Blackaaaaaadddddeeerrr!” Oscar sung while playing the lute. “Slack bladder, slack bladder.... Slack blaaaaaaahhhh-gah! Ouch! Oof! Ah!” Homer snatched his lute and smacked him over the head with it until he died.
“Why would you do that?! He’s just a kid!” Marge yelled.
“Because he was being annoying!” said Homer. An albatross arrived at a port hole so Homer threw a swordfish at it, impaling it.
“I said, no one must know!” Homer yelled.
“But we know what we did...” said Marge.
“Marge what are you doing?!” Homer asked. Marge was eating some of the pie.
“Oh it was poisoned after all...” said Marge and she died.
“Noooooooooo!” Homer cried as he held his dead wife.
Uh it’s just a Halloween episode...
Meanwhile to fill up the story.
In the afterlife, the dead crew members still with the injuries that killed them were interacting with one another on a dead boat sailing to the afterlife. Ie Hugh Laurie still had a harpoon through his chest.
“I say George you nitwit! This is not my fifty dollars!” said Blackadder.
“It’s not?” Hugh Laurie as George asked.
“No! It’s been crumpled up and torn, dipped in the lagoon and kissed with coral blue Number two semi gloss lipstick!” said Blackadder.
“Actually it’s coral blue number-Oof!” said Oscar having applied the blue lipstick to his lips so he had shiny blue and very kissable lips. However the chef immediately bludgeoned him over the head with a big wooden cave man club.
Homer cried lamenting his wife. “She just wanted to ride bikes through New England! But those seats hurt my ass! Ohhoohoohooo!” Homer cried and sobbed.
However this was all a story taking part on a toy boat in Maggie’s bath.
“You ever wonder what she’s thinking about?” Homer asked adoring his baby daughter.
“Just sugar plums and fairies...” Marge sighed happily.
However Maggie blinked a devious blink and was now wearing Alex De Large eyelashes from A Clockwork Orange while wearing his hat and the A Clockwork Orange theme playing.
The one with the vampires!
A theme from Twilight played in a spooky forest as from first person we are Edmund chasing a deer, going to a pier and buying and eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
The kids were dropped off at Springfield Elementary by Otto one morning.
“Hey, what is that look on all those girls faces?” Bart asked.
“It’s something you’ve never ever seen! They’re smitten!” said Lisa.
“Oooooh! I’ve seen it...” said Bart smugly. “Especially when I do this!” He took off his shirt and posed. But his belly flab stuck out. “Ooooh....!” He sighed.
Edmund was smug of the smitten looks he was getting.
“Oh come on you foolish mortals! Ve vampires are not looking to make out, da? Ve zink of you as food not girlfriends! Like ze lion zinks vhen he zees an antelope!” Ace the vampire boy ranted. He imagined all the smitten girls with hamburgers for heads. “Mmmmmmm! It’s feeding time!” He said rubbing his hands evilly. He unsheathes his fangs as they stick out to feed and he hisses.
“Well.... he is cute...” said Lisa about Edmund.
“I can be cute!” Ace whined off screen.
“Ace you just said how you are not interested in a girlfriend you just want to chomp on neck and drink everyone’s blood!” said Bart.
“But... he would never say hello to me...” said Lisa sighing.
“Hello!” said Edmund.
“Hehehe! I love your pallor!” said Lisa but a school bus was driving erratically. Otto was probably high on something again...
Otto was jamming and thought the bus decorated with hippy stuff was his bedroom. “Why is there a steering wheel in my bedroom!?”
Lisa screamed rather than ran for her life. However Edmund stopped the bus with just his hands and made a big dent in the bus.
“How did you do that?!” Lisa gasped.
“Um... it’s these cheap busses made of squishy metal.” said Edmund. Um no he is an indestructible Twilight vampire that are extremely lethal because the writer felt they looked silly with the traditional weaknesses which have been fine for generations!
“On another subject you have the most beautiful eyes...” said Edmund.
Lisa giggled. “They’re just dots in circles!”
Martin nearly collided with Lisa on his pink bike. Obviously he disliked his bike makeover and wanted to be a wuss. Oh wait that episode ended with Nelson learning the Epoxy he was using was water soluble!
Edmund pushed Martin and his bike away. Then Mr Burns’s car nearly hit Lisa until Edmund intercepted that too.
“Was that an accident this time or deliberate?” Lisa asked.
“What do you think?” Mr Burns said annoyed his car was damaged.
Then Krusty’s small clown car was out of control and crashed because Edmund stopped it just be standing in its way. Krusty and loads of clowns went flying into Mr Burns’s car.
“Hehehe! Clowns!” Oscar laughed.
Lisa and Edmund sighed.
Then Otto arrived on a Segway.
Edmund just stopped it with his finger.
“Come with me!” said Edmund and he promptly whisked Lisa away to the spooky forest from Twilight.
He climbed up a very tall red sequoia with Lisa and they sat there in the tree.
Then Yogi bear went past with someone’s head. Why Yogi bear?! You nut!
Edmund showed his fangs.
“You’re a vampire!” said Lisa. “I should be scared but I’m not!” Because the stupid Twilight author thinks vampires are sexy...
“I’m a nice vampire, for some reason. Next some author will write about a misunderstood monster clown, or a misunderstood werewolf...” said Edmund. “Now let’s leap through the trees like a bat does, by jumping!” Bats fly you idiot! That’s a flying squirrel!
“Or a vegan and brainy ogre...” Grorge sighed eating a carrot and reading a big book. “I’m an ogre! Horns on my head! (Points to his itty bitty baby horns) fangs! I live in the mountains and carry a big wooden club!” He shows his club for clubbing people.
Then Milhouse got jealous of Edmund.
“Lisa’s dating a vampire?! That makes me so mad! I’m feeling the change!” Milhouse is supposed to be Jacob. But instead of turning into a werewolf he turns into a circus poodle riding a unicycle and balancing plates...
Lisa arrives home by dinner, the Simpsons are in the dining room setting the table. Homer has cutlery. Bart has the plates, Lisa is drying the glasses and Marge has an apron.
Oscar was putting out candles and Hugo was wearing garlic around his neck.
“Hugo I said no garlic at dinner...” said Lisa. “And Dad...”
“I know don’t be myself... don’t serve the guests garlic, don’t stab the guests in the heart with a wooden stake... don’t ask them if they know Frankenstein... it’s racist somehow...” said Homer laying out forks.
The doorbell rang.
“Leprechaun!” said Lisa smiling and going to get the door.
“She really needs to stop doing that...” said Bart.
Lisa answered the door to find her latest boyfriend Edmund the vampire.
“Sorry, my Dad and younger brother insisted on coming...” said Edmund. Two bats were flying and one turned into Dracula. Yes Dracula. And the blond one wearing a cartoon helicopter beanie turned into Ace. Yes for the sake of this Twilight themed episode Ace is stuck with a gay twilight vampire as a brother.
Dracula and Ace did classic vampire poses with their capes.
“Dad! I am four hundred years old! I do not need a chaperone!” Edmund whined.
“You live in my crypt you live by my rules!” said Dracula.
“You’re tearing me apaaaaaart!” Edmund cried. Mmmmmmm... Rebel Without a cause...
“So.” said Marge. “I’ve cooked you something Homer said you’d like.”
Homer killed and cooked Flanders whole with an apple in his mouth. Yay! No more stupid Flanders! No more stupid Flanders!
“Dibs on the leg!” said Homer.
Sometime later Homer ate Ned’s moustache.
“Okay, if a mosquito bites you, does it become a vampire?” Homer asked.
“No...” said Dracula.
“If you bite your tongue does it become a vampire?” Homer asked. Only those freaky mutant vampires with lamprey tongues from Blade II.
Dracula was tired of Homer’s stupid questions And decided to liven up dinner by playing his trumpet. Yes Dracula has a trumpet...
“Dad you said you wouldn’t bring that...” Edmund sighed.
“I said I might not.” said Dracula. He kept playing his trumpet.
“They say vampires live forever, but I die of embarrassment...” said Edmund.
“Uh huh...” said Lisa sighing as Homer was dancing with Santa’s little Helper.
“You think you’re mortified Lis...” Bart sighed embarrassed at Homer dancing with the dog.
“Ugh...” Ace laid on his crossed arms embarrassed.
“Ace every time I looked at Lisa lovingly you kept singing “Edmund and Lisa, sitting in a tree! K I SS I N G... and then you started picking your nose at the table...” Edmund sighed. “Lisa let’s fly. Keep your mouth closed or you’ll swallow loads of bugs...” Edmund flew off with Lisa. Hopefully he quotes Tommy Wiseau...
“Ahhhhh! Homer, Dracula! Get them back! Lisa can’t get neck holes! It’s school photo week!” said Marge sending Homer and Dracula off to get Lisa and Edmund.
“My mom gets like that with my Dad too. Remember last Treehouse of Horror...” said Ace. Where the monsters’ wives were annoyed at them for partying.
Homer was driving with Dracula in his hybrid car. He has a hybrid for some reason.
They were talking about sleeping all day and driving at night.
“Driving at night is good. You get all the green lights! Green! Green! Boop! Green!” said Dracula as the lights went green.
They arrived in vampire town where all the vampires live!
“Wow! So many kinds of vampires!” said Homer.
As well as Dracula, there was Edmund the twilight series vampire, Ace, Gary Oldman Dracula in that red gown with that queer hair do...
“I heard that!” Gary Oldman Dracula yelled.
It was Bart!
There was also count Orlock, Blade, Dracula from Grim Adventures, Boobrella, Grampa Munster...
“Excuse me,” Homer asked Count Von Count from Sesame Street who was drinking blood from Big Bird’s neck. “Have you seen these two kids?” He shows photos of Lisa and Edmund.
“Why yes! And those two sneaked a kiss! One kiss! Ah Ah ah! Two kisses ah ah ah! Three kiss...”
“Go back to your own country!” Racist Marge from The Girl who slept too little yelled.
Count Von Count was still counting...
Dracula looked bored. “There they are!” Edmund was climbing a bell tower with Lisa. A bell tower is also a belfry hence bats in a belfry.
“Super Dracula away!” Homer climbs on Dracula.
“Ow! Homer I can’t carry you!” Dracula found him too heavy to carry.
Dracula climbs the bell tower carrying Homer.
Lisa and Edmund are at the top.
“Bite me Edmund so we can be together forever.” said Lisa.
“Get your neck away from my son’s fangs!” said Dracula.
“No Mr Dracula I am not some seductress trying to take your son! In fact I want to join your culture and your customers and show the world vampires aren’t so bad!” said Lisa.
“You had that opportunity in Treehouse of Horror IV!” said Vampire Bart.
“Yeah but that was vampire hickies from my own brother! Yeeeuuuck!” said Lisa.
“Lisa you sound so good natured and honest! Now I see what you see in her boy!” said Dracula.
Edmund’s eyes turned green as his vampire hunger took over.
“And now we can be eight years old together forever!” said Edmund aggressively from his vampire hunger.
“Wait! A much as living forever is cool, I don’t want to be stuck using safety scissors! They can’t cut anything!” said Lisa.
“Too bad! The hunger has taken over!” said Edmund with green eyes.
“Get away from my daughter you little green eyed monster!” said Homer. He pulled out a crucifix and pointed it at Edmund. He recoiled from it. “How ironic, a cross being used to kill someone...” he is about to hurt Edmund with the cross but Dracula grabs it.
However the cross becomes red hot and burns Dracula with its holy power. “Aghhhh!” Dracula screams and throws the cross away. He has burnt hands.
“Dad! You’re hurt!” said Edmund.
“Yes but I did it to protect you my son.” said Dracula.
“Awwwww! You undead freaks love your kids too...” said Homer.
“Of course! I would always sneak up to his crib when as just a baby and scare him with vampire sounds like Bleeeeeh! He loved it!” said Dracula hugging his son Edmund.
“Dad... they do not need to know that...” Edmund sighed.
The vampires hissed at Lisa.
“Take me instead!” Homer ripped off his shirt.
The vampires bit him.
“Die fatso!” said Edmund.
“His blood! It’s full of cholesterol!” said Dracula as they felt ill.
“Hehehe! And not the good kind!” said Homer making the vampires very ill from his blood.
“Uh Dad...” said Lisa. “They turned you into a vampire...”
“Yes!” said Homer sprouting fangs. “I can fly! See you at home!” However as a bat he was too fat to fly. “Whaaaaaa!” He fell to his death and died. Milhouse as a circus poodle picked up the dead bat and tiptoed away off screen.