Throw Mark from a Twain The Simpsons can't fly back home from a holiday across the states so they have the hitch a train back to Springfield. During the trip a hobo offers to tell three stories based on Mark Twain stories and American fairy tales. However in return they must give him a sponge bath for each story he tells.
The Simpsons won a competition to go to Delaware as they drove to Delaware.
“I can’t believe we won a competition! The Simpsons are going to Delaware!” said Homer as they drove to Delaware.
“I wanna see Wilmington.” said Lisa.
“I want to visit a screen door factory!” said Marge.
Oscar laughed at her idea, thinking how amusing a screen door factory could be.
”Yeah, Delaware has it all...” said Homer.
Along the way they stopped because Marge saw a home appliance and kitchen equipment store.
“Let’s stop there!” said Marge.
Everyone groaned as they always comply with her.
They went to the home appliance kitchen store.
“Oh look! A melon baller! A punch bowl! A cocktail shaker! An apron that’s also a Smock!”
“Uh yes yes ma’am!” said Ol Gil. “Behold the Apron and Smock in one! The Smapron!”
Oscar’s eye twitched as he found a new thing to scream out loud. “Smapron! SMAPROOOOON! Smapron!”
“Oh great... he found a new thing to scream at...” Bart groaned.
Oscar was screaming Smaprooooooon!
The Simpsons are then at an airport waiting to fly to Delaware but all the flights were cancelled because of an incident in New York. The Simpsons were annoyed and had to find an alternative way back home.
Homer suggested they hitch a ride on a freight train.
"I've never done that before." said Oscar. "Isn't that illegal?"
"Do you want to stay stranded here?" Homer sighed.
"No!" Oscar replied.
"Then be quiet and hop on when I say so!" Homer replied. They all got on the train's open freight carriage. Except Hugo who got left behind.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
Hugo caught up on a handcar. "You monster!" He whined as he jumped on the train.
Homer sighed in disappointment.
There was a hobo in there. Bart thought he had died.
“Coooool! A dead hobo!” He fetched a stick from somewhere and poked the hobo who was lying behind a haystack. Suddenly he woke up spluttering as to why someone poked him.
The Simpsons screamed.
“Morning folks.” said the Hobo.
“What are you gonna do to us?” Homer whimpered.
“Oh don’t worry about me. I’m not a stabby hobo, I’m a singing hobo!” said the hobo getting out his banjo. He sung about living the hobo life and stabbing people with his hobo knife.
♪ Nothin' beats the hobo life ♪
♪ Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife ♪
♪ I gouge them- ♪
“Um Mr Hobo, can you sing something that’s not about stabbing... something festive...” said Marge unnerved.
“Okay anything for you nobos.” said the Hobo. “And while were at it we’ll watch Sheriff Lobo and the Mobos (Music of Black Origin awards.)
“Oh! Sheriff Lobo!” Homer likes that programme.
“Now we’re shaking and baking.” said the hobo.
“Please stop making rhymie whimies.” Oscar asked annoyed.
“Shut up you stupid Limey!” said Bart to him.
He didn't mind them sharing his carriage, but wanted to tell them a story to pass the time.
"Our first story is about a giant lumberjack called Paul Bunyan." said the Hobo.
Grampa and Mona were playing the role of Paul Bunyan's parents. The villagers explained to Abe his son was born and was waiting in the barn.
In the barn was a giant baby Homer. (Oscar sniggered. "Giant baby! Hehehe!") the giant baby was drinking from the poor cows by draining them dry of milk.
“Congratulations it’s a baby!” said Dr Nick.
“Me hungee.” said giant baby Homer.
"Holy moly!" Abe gasped. He went to check on his wife.
"Honey, how are you doing?" he asked.
"I need a whiskey..." Mona groaned.
The village helped raise giant Homer as well as suffered his giant related antics. P
And they used a pulley system to help change his enormous diapers.” said Oscar.
”I’m telling the story here...” said the hobo.
”Sorry.” said Oscar.
”Well time to make Paul’s breakfast.” said the villagers.
They made giant flapjacks. And flapjohns...
”That doesn’t make sense... what is a flapjohm?!” Lisa groaned.
Anyway... Everyone had flapjacks...
Homer as Paul Bunyan once accidentally swallowed a few villagers.
“I've found a way out but it ain't pretty..." said the Willie villager to Lenny. They're gonna go through his bowels!
Eventually everyone had enough of Paul Bunyan/giant Homer causing carnage and kicked him out of town by dragging him out as he slept.
Paul Bunyan wasn't very happy but went off on his own to live elsewhere. He then carved a companion for himself out of rock, an ox called Babe. During the night the ox came to life because of a lightning storm and magic northern lights!
They both traveled across America creating various famous landmarks such as the Great Smoky mountains from smoking, Death Valley Desert from destroying a forest and 'Big holes with beer' National Park from spilling their beer.
Then Paul and Babe fought Rodan and Godzilla.
"Paul Bunyan did not fight Rodan, Mothra and Godzilla..." Lisa groaned.
"Shhh! You're ruining the story!" Bart hushed her.
Anyway, Paul met a beautiful maiden (played by Marge), at first she was frightened by his size but eventually she learned he was friendly and they fell in love.
However Paul's old village was about to be struck by a meteor! Paul decided to help them and whacked the meteor to Chicago where it started the great Chicago fire.
"There were so many inconsistencies with Paul Bunyan's size! One minute you said he was ten feet tall the next his footsteps were as big as lakes!" Lisa ranted. Everyone groaned at her.
"Well, I liked it! Especially the giant baby Paul Bunyan!" Oscar said giggling.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Well, for telling yer a tale yer have to give something in return. A sponge bath." said the hobo.
Everyone was disgusted and didn't want to do it. Homer reluctantly agreed he would do it.
"Oh don't be shy, I don't mind you folks seeing me nude!" said the hobo.
Everyone cringed in disgust.
"The next story is about a little girl called Connie Appleseed." said the hobo.
"Don't you mean a boy called Johnny Appleseed?" Oscar asked.
"Yeah but I've adapted it so listen up." The hobo told the story.
"Well I think that's wonderful he made the character a girl." Lisa commented quietly to Oscar.
A group of frontiers were traveling across the wilderness of America in wagons. There were many buffalo in the wilderness. However the frontiers were hungry so the leader, played by Homer, shot one and ate it.
However Little Connie was a vegetarian and didn't want to eat buffalo.
"Oh that's wonderful!" Lisa commented.
”Dad you just shot a poor, defenceless buffalo!” Connie whined.
”A poor, delicious buffalo.” said Homer as Connie’s Dad.
"She also tried to explain naturally the buffalo would soon run out and that they'd need a more sustainable source of food." the hobo said while narrating.
"Which is true! Crops give far more food then animals. You don't kill crops when you pick fruit or vegetables from them!" Lisa explained.
"Lis we're trying to get the story..." Bart groaned.
However the frontiers didn't take her seriously and laughed at her.
Along the way across the plains. A white panel appeared. It read: “Frink died of dysentery.”
Yes we’re referencing Oregon Trail.
Connie Apple seed winced.
Connie one day heard a tree call out to her. She ran to it to find it was filled with fresh apples. She had an idea and picked some.
However it wasn't the tree calling her but a Hans Moleman frontier who had fallen into some quicksand and was drowning.
"Cool! Quicksand! Oh baby..." Oscar got aroused by the mention of quicksand.
"Oscar why are you having suggestive thoughts about quicksand...?" Lisa asked cringing.
"Why was the quicksand patch small enough to be hidden behind a bush?!" Bart asked.
"Spontaneous quicksand. The kind that just randomly pops up in small patches when you least expect it." Oscar explained.
Anyway after that interruption, Connie showed the frontiers the apples she found but the frontiers just laughed and the Homer frontier thought they'd go nicely with the buffalo they were still eating.
Bart didn’t like them.
”Either eat the apples or go on without me!” Lisa as Connie snapped.
They abandoned her.
”Savages...” said Connie.
”I didn’t agree to abandoning my daughter!” Mrs Apple Seed yelled.
The frontiers abandoned her too.
Marge as Mrs Apple seed frowned.
Eventually the buffalo ran out.
"Nope, there's still two left!" The Bart frontier explained.
Homer shot them. "That's the last of them!"
Connie was horrified.
However this was a really bad idea as winter arrived and the frontiers had no food. They turned to cannibalism. First up was Homer because he was the fattest.
"Hey!" Homer in the freight train yelled.
However Connie was able to save the frontiers and her dad. She planted a seed and an apple tree magically grew from the ground and instantly was full of apples ready to pick.
"It's a miracle!" said the Sideshow Mel frontier.
Connie managed to convince them to eat the apples as they would never run out as long as their seeds were planted.
"So we're not eating Homer?" The Moe frontier asked as he took a chunk out of Homer.
"Ugh! Lisa your little friend's vegetarianism ruined the story..." Bart groaned.
"Well here's a story you might like sport..." said the hobo.
Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn
Bart was playing the role of Tom Sawyer and Nelson was Huckleberry Finn. They were whitewashing fences as a chore.
However Huck was distracted by a girl played by Lisa. (Eeeeew! Me and Nelson? - Lisa)
The girl's father however was very protective of her and demanded Huck marry her immediately.
The town held a shotgun wedding. Lisa's mom in the story was also the victim of a shotgun wedding as Abe was holding her at shotgun point.
"You don't need to still be following me around with that! I've been married to Homer for 20 years!" Marge sighed. "Like I'm really going to leave him right now..."
"Oh ok..." Abe lowered his gun. However as soon as he was distracted Marge ran away.
Tim Lovejoy read the vows only for Huck to oink like a pig.
"The groom has been replaced with a pig!" Homer gasped. The pig was frightened.
Meanwhile Tom and Huck made their escape up river.
"Uh Tom never went up river with Huck... that was N word Jim." Oscar explained.
"Oscar it's N-"
"Not one more syllable!" The blue haired lawyer interrupted.
"Why are you on the train?!" Bart asked.
"I'm everywhere there's a potential lawsuit." Blue haired lawyer replied.
Anyway Bart as Tom Sawyer, Nelson as Huckleberry Finn and Lewis as N word Jim were going up river on a wooden raft.
They had to deal with yokels, the scary deliverance kind who for some reason didn't want N word Jim going up north. However they evaded the yokels and got on a steam ferry captained by Dr Hibbert who was singing Old Man River.
They then went in the bar and got drunk because drinking laws didn't exist then.
However Tom Sawyer started a bar brawl by accusing someone of cheating so they were thrown off the boat. The yokels and the villagers were waiting for them underwater.
"Oh crap!" Tom Sawyer said in gurgles because he was underwater.
A funeral was held for Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn who we believe are hiding in the rafters grinning as if they've escaped again however...
"Lower the bodies into their coffins." asked Lovejoy. Tom and Huck had actually been stuffed and were dead.
"Why did I die in this story?!" Bart asked.
"Yeah that wasn't a very nice ending..." Oscar whined.
"Hey look! It's our stop!" Homer yelled as they arrived in Springfield.
"Ahem!" The hobo coughed. "You still owe me two sponge baths."
Homer sighed. "I'll meet you guys in an hour..." He volunteered to stay on the train and give the hobo his sponge baths...
Elsewhere on a desert road Kang and Kodos were annoyed they weren't in Treehouse of Horror XI.
Kang was on the phone.
"Do we want to be in something called Old Navy?" He asked Kodos.