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This Little Wiggy Marge feels sorry for Ralph after seeing him get picked on in the science museum so she sets up a play date with him and Bart, much to Bart's annoyance. However Bart soon desires to hang around Ralph when he finds out that Chief Wiggum has the Springfield Master Key!
Plot[]
The chalkboard gag is “My Butt does not deserve its own website.” Yes it does, Bart. 😳
The couch gag is based on the title sequence of Rocky and Bullwinkle with the Simpsons sprouting from the ground amongst the flowers and Bart coughing up a cold of dirt.
During the events of Something Weird this way Comes President Evil Bart's class are using calculators to solve a simple maths problem that's meant to be solved using arithmetic. (Using your head to work out sums)
“Now who’s calculator can tell me what seven times eight is...” Mrs Krabappel sighed.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! Low battery?” said Milhouse.
“No... Oscar?” Mrs Krabappel asked Oscar.
“Mine says BOOBIES!” Oscar smirked doing calculator letters on his calculator.
Everyone except Bart and Martin laughed. Martin because he did not approve of Oscar’s naughty behaviour and Bart because he didn’t find Oscar was being funny.
“Guys that’s really not that funny...” Bart sighed.
“Eh... close enough.” said Mrs Krabappel not bothered about getting the right answer.
“I could have told you all it was 56...” Martin sighed.
“Fifty six, fifty six! Fifty six?! Oh goddamn it Martin! Now all I can think about is fifty six!” Nelson yelled shaking Martin furiously.
Hugo was eating fish heads in class.
”Hugo Simpson stop eating fish heads in class...” Mrs Krabappel sighed.
Principal Skinner has a surprise visitor for them.
“Attention everyone!” said Skinner.
Everyone looked around confused for Skinner.
“Um over here...” said Principal Skinner.
Everyone continued to look about the class room confused.
“Oh for the love of- The door way!” said Skinner.
"Robot." Bart spoils it. "We saw him on the way in."
"Bring in the robot..." said Skinner.
The robot that is clearly the robot from Lost in Space explains about science and that any of them can become scientists if they want.
Milhouse imagines himself on the moon before his head explodes from being in a hard vacuum.
Nelson imagines himself in a laboratory teaching science with three brains he has clearly extracted from his class mates as they still have their individual hairstyles on them.
And Hugo Simpson imagines himself as a mad scientist creating a Frankenstein's monster and laughing evilly.
Richard imagines he is in space touching a small cartoon star. He screams as it burns his hand off.
Oscar imagines he is doing experiments on the Three Stooges because the robot in canon mentions something involving the three stooges brains.
“Whoop whoop whooooop!” Curly made his um whoop sounds while spinning on the floor.
“Why you knuckle head!” Moe yelled and he poked Larry in the eyes.
Oscar as a scientist face palmed.
However Bart's not swayed and sees a man in a tree clearly operating the robot remotely. Bart takes an apple from his lunch and decides to fire it with his slingshot at the Raphael clone.
"No!" Raphael yells. However Bart shoots him out of his tree knocking him out.
"Connection severed..." said the robot powering down. "Reasserting default programme. Crush! Kill! Destroy!" It grabbed Skinner and strangled him!
"Children help! It's killing me!"
Bart's class except Martin cheered with joy.
They continued cheering while Martin got up to fight the robot. Eventually during the madness the bell rang and everyone left for recess.
...
One afternoon the Simpsons are going to a science museum.
“Who says science can’t be fun?” said Marge as they arrive.
“I do...” said Bart bored.
Hugo grabs him by his throat and strangles him!
“Ack! Mom! Ack! Eeeeeeck! Help!” Bart cries as he gasps for breath.
“I smell a museum.” said Oscar.
“I smell Oscar’s farts...” said Hugo in disgust.
“Yeah good things do not end in ‘eum. They end in ‘mania and ‘teria.” said Bart bored and after Hugo stopped strangling him.
“Will there be beer?” Homer asked.
“No Homer...” Marge sighed.
Homer screamed.
Marge sighed.
”Homer we’re having a day outside to keep Oscar away from the butter...” said Marge.
”Mmmmmmmm... butter...” Oscar drooled.
Lisa grimaced baffled.
”And Oscar, you may bring your weed smoking uncle Buck, as long as he behaves...” said Marge.
”I did not have sex with that mongoose!” Uncle Buck Tamaki yelled nonsense because he had been smoking weed earlier.
Marge frowned.
”I gotta check out this brochure...” Buck took a bite of a huge burger because he had the munchies after coming down from a cannabis high.
Marge sighed.
Eventually they arrive but...
"Noooooooooo!" screamed Bart and Hugo as Marge and Homer tried to drag them out of the car.
"Oh for crying out loud!" Marge sighed. "Hugo you always wanted to become a mad scientist!"
"Mom don't emphasis mad..." Bart whined. "It encourages him!" "(Strained struggling grunts)"
"I know Mom, but that's some of Bart's spine making me rebel against this day trip!" Hugo replied. "Eat my shorts! Oops there it goes again!"
"Hugo we don't share a spine... we were attached by a bit of skin and flesh, and maybe some nerves..." Bart sighed as somehow they let go of the car and reluctantly went to the museum.
The museum had an airport conveyor belt and a big screen with Troy McClure explaining the museum.
"What was that he said?" Homer asked.
"Something about being a fish fondling fruitcake..." said Oscar.
They arrived in the main exhibit which was surprisingly fun looking. There was a kid using a giant microscope to look at another kid mooning him, an earthquake simulator and a kid running on an atlas globe.
Marge explained the ceiling was Velcro and the floor was a very soft bouncy castle floor so they could walk along the ceiling and if they fell safely bounce up again unharmed.
"I'm gonna toss the virtual salad!" said Bart going off somewhere.
"I'm gonna see the planetarium!" said Lisa going off from the group.
“I’m gonna read the giant book!” said Hugo running off.
"I'm going to the sex education exhibit!" said Homer. That just left Marge and Maggie as Hugo and Oscar went off somewhere.
"Let's check out the-" said Marge but a wrecking ball swooped her up. "Wait here!"
"Hey! Get off of there! I'm trying to do a slutty music video!" said a half naked Miley Cyrus swinging from a wrecking ball.
”Well I’m a fake egg-timer that can’t maintain an erection!” Uncle Buck Tamaki yelled while smoking weed.
...
Bart after tossing the virtual salad whatever that was joined his sister as Professor Frink explained a see through computer. However Bart started fiddling with it.
"How do I play solitaire on it?" Bart asked.
"You can't." said Frink trying to get the keyboard from him. "Careful that's very delicate."
"Boring." Bart groaned. "Am I on the internet?"
"No it doesn't do-" Frink tried to explain.
"Boring!" Bart groaned. "Hey is there supposed to be a small fire in there?" Bart asked.
"Oh no! The hard drive is on fire!" Database yelled.
"No more pictures please! This exhibit is closed!" Frink explained as his see through computer exploded.
Meanwhile Homer was in the sex education exhibit riding a Millennium Falcon gun and shooting lasers! Cooool! "Come on! Ovulate! Ovulate!" He yelled shooting lasers at something.
"Out of sperm." said the computer as his ride ended. He got off and then Krusty got on.
"Hey, remember me baby?" said Krusty in a sultry tone.
Harrison Ford as Hans Solo come down from somewhere on a similar gun ride. "Don't get cocky kid." he warned Krusty.
The planetarium.
Lisa and Hugo sat taking in the intellectual scientific facts about the planets and stars etc. Something that bored Bart as he found a reflective surface to make silly faces at.
“Polaris, the star of the north... mighty Orion's Belt... the majestic Milky Way... home of a familiar blue planet we call... Rigel VII.” said the recording. Yes... Kang’s planet...
”Kang enough!” Hugo groaned.
”I will conquer your pathetic planet you dull creatures!” Kang gloated.
”Not before we visit our mother! She hasn’t seen us in light years!” said Kodos being bossy.
Kang sighed and slithered off after Kodos.
Hugo made a “He’s crazy!” gesture to Lisa.
Oscar arrived from the bouncy floor and Velcro ceiling area.
”Hey Oz.” said Hugo.
“You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!” Oscar quotes Scrubs, possibly. Either that or Bambi from Disney went Rambo upon Man. Which would be cool.
Hugo’s eyelid twitched because he was baffled and freaked out by Oscar’s gibberish.
And then there were break-dancing squirrels! How do squirrels break-dance? I haven’t a clue but that’s random and random is funny.
Hugo was deeply disturbed.
”I need a lie down...”
”Oh I wouldn’t sleep Hugh, Lis gave Dad a nightmare about Al Gore...” said Bart bored of the museum.
”Aaaaaaaaaagh! A giant Al Gore wants to eat me!” Homer screamed.
Hugo gawked even more disturbed.
”Why did we have to come here...” Bart groaned.
”Listen! Brother! This is my Woodstock! So bear with it!” Lisa snarled grabbing Bart by his shirt.
”Oh please don’t remind me of Woodstock...” Hugo sighed.
We cut to Woodstock. Or an anniversary celebration of it.
Hippies are cheering.
”Ahem! Attention! Attention please!” Hugo dressed as a hippy was on stage. “It seems that a few bad apples here are smoking marijuana. Uh people, marijuana is illegal!”
The hippies jeer and boo.
”And now let’s start the show.” Hugo played a guitar. “Establishment.... establishment... You always know what’s best...” Hugo sang.
”You suck!” A hippy yelled.
”Learn the rules!” Hugo yelled.
...
Bart then found himself on a Mars exhibit wearing a space helmet for some reason. The word Mars was written in the background in Star Wars font.
Bart was impressed by the exhibit and found a Mars Rover model that he decided would make a good skateboard and the exhibit being a good skateboard park for him.
”Yup! Looks like a great place for El Barto to catch some air... and do a few Ollies...”
He performed some cool stunts until he saw Ralph sitting on the edge of a crater where he himself was about to land from an air trick.
"Agh! Ralph move!" Bart bailed to avoid crashing into Ralph and fell flat on his face.
"I found a moon rock in my nose!" Ralph was picking his nose. Eeeeew!
"Houston we have a booger..." Bart sighed.
“I’m a Viking now! Hand over your wenches and gold!” said Ralph wearing a Viking helmet.
”If this is a simulation of Mars then where are the Martians?!” said Oscar.
”This makes me very, very angry! Very angry indeed!” said Marvin the Martian.
Bart gawked baffled and concerned.
Suddenly Jimbo and his gang arrived. "Hey, this our planet now babies!" Jimbo explained.
"Hey I know you! My daddy took your beer!" said Ralph. Nelson then joined the bullies as it seemed he was officially part of their gang now or something.
("Eh, I'm all alone now my weasels got transferred to Shelbyville..." - Nelson)
"Oh the baby can talk!" said Dolph.
"I'm not a baby!" said Ralph.
"Say that to the giant ear!" said Kerne shoving him into a giant ear. He wriggled about helplessly.
"Ha! That's a good one Kerney!" said Bart brown nosing the bullies.
"Kiss the virtual ass Simpson!" Kerney sent him away because he was bothering them.
"Yes sir..." Bart said in a wimpy manner as he left.
Plot 2[]
Sometime later Marge called some museum workers to get Ralph out of the ear with some giant novelty ear buds/Qtips.
Oscar laughed. “Qtips...”
"Oh you poor little boy!" Marge gasped.
"It's okay Marge, he's always getting himself stuffed into this or that..." said Chief Wiggum.
Ralph was making airplane noises and running in a circle.
"That's his character Wiggle Puppy. A dog that flies using his tail. Ah, that puppy had a lot of amazing adventures..." said Chief Wiggum.
"Well, he seems to have a vivid imagination!" said Marge.
"Yeah, the special schools are all over him." said Chief Wiggum.
”My other imaginary friend is the leprechaun! He tells me to burn things...” said Ralph.
”Uh Ralphie... We do not listen to the leprechaun! He is very bad!” said Clancy worried.
Marge decided to try to get to know Ralph.
"You know, Ralph, I used to play by myself as well." said Marge.
”I’m always playing “with” myself...” Oscar chuckled.
Homer growled at him annoyed he was being rude.
"Your hair is very tall and blue!" said Ralph.
"Why thank you! You're a fine young gentleman!" said Marge touching his shoulder.
"Ah! She's touching my special area!" Ralph whined.
At some microscopes Hugo is looking in a microscope at something tiny. He is also wearing a white lab coat.
Bart and Oscar are having a sword fight with the microscopes....
”Hugey?” Oscar asked Hugo.
”Yeah...” Hugo was focused on looking at microscope slides.
“Do I have a firm butt?” Oscar asked.
“It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.” said Bart uncomfortable.
...
After the museum trip was over the Simpsons headed back to their car.
"And then the man said don't press that button but we presses it anyway and hid in the fire! And then..." Homer told an irrelevant story that I haven't the foggiest where or when it happened in the museum scene...
"Homer, you're over stimulated! You need some beer inside you and then it's off to bed!" said Marge.
"Wooooo! Beer! Beer! Beer! Bed! Bed! Bed!" Homer cheered running about.
”When was there a fire?!” Bart asked confused.
”Ralph...” Oscar sighed. Ralph likes to start fires...
The Wiggum’s headed home.
”Marge is so nice...” Clancy smiled.
”I want Pete’s Dragon 2!” Ralph whined.
In the Simpsons car.
”Okay pop quiz, who landed on the moon? The clues are Armstrong and first name Buzz...” said Lisa reading her science of the future magazine.
”Oh I know! Stretch Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear!” said Homer.
”No!!” Hugo yelled frustrated.
Oscar laughed.
”No Dad. The answer is Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin...” Lisa sighed.
”Why did you stick that crayon back up into your brain again...” Hugo groaned fat Dad.
Before Homer could insult Hugo Marge cut in. “Let’s have corn dogs for dinner!”
”No thanks. I’m homesick for British food. Why in the name of sanity can’t I buy a sausage roll here?!” Oscar whined.
”Sausage roll? What’s that? Like a hotdog?” Homer asked.
”Don’t insult the sausage roll you Yankee!” Oscar hissed.
Homer sighed.
At the Wiggum’s meanwhile. Ralph wanted to have non alcoholic mint juleps on the veranda with Martin Prince. But Mommy and Daddy took him over to the Simpsons as he had a new friend to play with.
Ralph smiled as his mind was elsewhere. Possibly in his freakish dream world.
...
At home one afternoon later Bart is packing his prank stuff for the day.
"Firecrackers, stinkbombs, slingshot, peashooter, map to teacher's houses..." said Bart to himself as he packed. “Keys to teacher’s houses.”
Marge came in.
"You know who's nice?" she asked.
"I dunno, you're telling me..." Bart replied.
"Ralph Wiggum." said Marge.
"Uh... sure..." Bart replied.
"Bart you don't have to go out today, I have a surprise for you." said Marge.
"Please be a mini motorbike..." said Bart.
However Ralph was at the door holding a melting fudgesicle.
"Hi Bart!"
"Mom, why is Ralph here..." Bart asked.
"I set up a play date for you." Marge explained.
"Mom, I'm ten. I don't have play dates. I hang out with my friends... and Ralph is not one of my friends...he's retarded!" Bart sighed.
Oscar glared at Bart.
"Hmmmm! Young man, do not ever use that word! I want you to be nice to Ralph as he doesn't have any friends of his own, now play nice you two. Ralph is a little boy who has special needs." said Marge.
“Like me!” said Oscar running around making fire truck sounds and clobbering everyone with his dolphin plushie.
Bart sighed.
Ralph came in. He was licking his fudgesicle, which was slowly running down his hands making them all sticky.
Oscar was still clobbering everyone with his dolphin plush he got from the Sea Life centre. “Dolpha!”
Bart grunted after being clumped on the head by the soft plushie.
...
Marge sent them off to wherever Bart wanted to play. Bart sighed and went to his and Hugo's room.
“I have a Chinese finger trap!” said Ralph.
Bart got stuck in it. “Wha! Get him off! Get him off of me!” Bart screamed struggling.
“Fighting only makes it tighter.” said Ralph perpetually joyful.
”Like the Devil’s Snare from Harry Potter, or pythons...” said Oscar.
Ralph was still holding the melting fudgesicle and had chocolate all over his hands...
"Uh, don't touch anything!" Bart warned him as his hands were sticky.
"Oh! A Krusty doll!" said Ralph.
"I said don't touch!" Bart took the toy before he could touch it.
Ralph whimpered.
"Ugh, stay on Hugo's side of the room." Bart sighed.
"Hey, don't send him over here! No no no! He's making Freckles all sticky!" Hugo whined as Ralph was playing with his pigeon rat.
“Oh look! A rocket ship!” Ralph picked up a toy rocket.
“That is not a toy!” Hugo said sharply as he snatched the rocket from him.
"Hey Ralph, how about we play hide and seek..." said Bart. However when Ralph hid in a closet Bart never bothered to find him.
Marge soon found Ralph, because she was doing the laundry.
”I’m hiding!” said Ralph in a cheerful tone.
Marge was annoyed Bart left him trapped in the closet.
Things got worse as Marge made Bart take Ralph out with him.
"But Mom! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school if I'm seen with Ralph!" Bart whined. He tried to explain the school was divided into different social layers or cliques.
“Like a seven layer dip.” said Bart.
“Mmmmmmm.... beans...” said Homer.
“There’s beans in my lunchbox.” said Pandora the explorer as Pandora and her box/jar from Greek mythology.
“Pandora stop trying to destroy the world...” said Oscar.
Bart was in the popular clique, or so he thought and Ralph was near the bottom.
"But I bet if he was on a play date with you he'd be instantly popular!" said Marge.
"Mom it doesn't work like that. And stop calling it that! It's called hanging out!" Bart whined.
"Well it's too nice a day for Ralph to be hiding in the closet.” said Marge.
John their gay friend walked by. "Oh Ralph you silly goose! Don't hide yourself away!"
"(Awkward cough) John, Ahem! That's not what I was talking about! Ralph was literally hiding in my closet playing hide and seek..." Marge had to explain John hadn't accidentally overheard gay lingo
"Oh, well have a nice day Marge!" said John as he walked down the road.
"What's a goose?" Ralph asked. Marge laughed nervously and shut Bart and Ralph out so they had to play outside.
...
Bart was walking briskly up the road so as to keep as far away from Ralph as possible so people wouldn't think they were together.
"Bart slow down! My legs aren't as long as yours!" Ralph whined.
Bart imagined himself riding a bike with very long legs while Sesame Street music played. "Yeah, long legged Bart just blew your mind!" said Bart smugly.
Dat Stewie Griffin cutaway though...
Back in reality.
"Well tough! This is how I walk!" Bart replied.
Suddenly Bart saw the bullies driving about on possibly stolen golf carts.
"Quick Ralph hide!" Bart threw Ralph into a bush.
Bart grimaced as the camera panned out to reveal Peter Shepherd from the Jumanji cartoon series hastily shoving Mudboy into a similar bush nearby.
The bullies rode past.
"Hey dudes!" Bart waved to them. Peter silently waved too.
"Get bent!" Kerney replied. Then they drove off.
"That bush felt nice. Only the the ones with pricklies felt painful." Ralph explained. "Ow! Except that was a prickly! Ouch! Owie!" Ralph had thorns puncturing him.
Ralph then got Bart trapped in his Chinese finger trap again.
Bart got caught in it. “Aaaaah! Let go! Let go!” He cried.
“The more you struggle the tighter it holds onto you.” said Ralph.
Upstairs in Bart and Hugo’s room Ralph had bought another fudgesicle too as it was melting badly. “Um don’t touch anything...” said Bart. While he was distracted by his mom calling him Ralph dropped his fudgesicle in Bart’s toy box.
“Oops!” He dipped in the toy box to get his fudgesicle but when he got his fudgesicle he had several of Bart’s toys such as a Krusty doll stuck to him.
Hugo’s pigeon-rat fluttered its wings as it sat on its perch. The rat attached to the pigeon writhed and wriggled desperately.
Kitchen. Marge was making dinner or something.
”Mom do I have to have Ralph round...” Bart whined. “It’s bad enough having to tolerate Oscar...”
”Kallae kistnae.... Sabayooooooo Nyeh....” Oscar rasped in gibberish while drawing with thick chunky wax crayons.
...
Then one day after school Bart was in detention again writing lines. His lines read. "Ralph won't 'morph' if you squeeze him hard enough." Apparently during recess Bart was caught squeezing Ralph really hard to see what would happen.
After school Marge dropped Bart over at the Wiggum's to play with Ralph.
"Ralph's just outside playing in his sandbox! Make sure he's not in the deep end." said Sarah Wiggum. Ralph's mom.
Bart reluctantly went out into the Wiggum's backyard where Ralph was in the sandbox. The last time he'd been here was when Oscar was playing The Simpsons Hit and Run and found a trick where you could whale on Ralph until your hit and run meter was full setting off a police alert but the cops could never reach you due to a glitch.
"Ah the sweet irony... Assault a cop's family members and get away with it..." said Bart to the fourth wall.
Ralph then showed him around. He had a finger trap. Bart fell for it and got stuck.
"Ah! Help! Leggo!" Bart cried.
"Struggling just makes it tighter!" Ralph giggled.
Eventually Bart got free somehow.
"This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed in the deep end. That's a rock. I saw a leprechaun there once!" Ralph explained.
"Sure, a leprechaun..." Bart feigned interested as he didn't believe Ralph.
"He told me to burn things!" said Ralph.
Bart was deeply unnerved. "Aw geez! Not another arsonist!" He thought back to that arsonist kid in remedial class when his family were living in Cypress Creek.
The angry leprechaun from Treehouse of Horror XII which hasn't happened yet was swearing at them in Irish.
"Hey, O'Leary you're not a character yet! Hop off back to Ireland!" Oscar sent him away until he was due to appear.
Plot 3[]
There wasn't really much to do in the backyard except turn Ralph's sandbox into a quicksandbox like he did in Treehouse of Horror VI so he went indoors.
"This is my room." Ralph tried to guide him to his room. “We can play stuffed animal parade.
But Bart was more interested in Chief Wiggum and his wife's room.
The closet was taped up with police tape obviously warning Ralph to stay out!
"Oh we're not allowed in the closet. Daddy says it's forbidden!" said Ralph.
"Ralph, when will you learn. When a grownup forbids something that means it's really fun!" said Bart ripping the police tape. "I bet this is where your dad keeps his mace and guns!"
"No they live in the police station armory." Ralph explained.
Bart sighed. However to his joy there were truncheons and riot gear in there.
That afternoon after coming home from work and kissing his wife Clancy went up to the master bedroom to find the police tape across his closet broken. He thought an intruder had got in.
"Uh oh! An intruder!" said Clancy. He pulled out his gun and did a dramatic John Woo roll but hit his head on the closet doors and yelled out in pain.
Ralph and Bart came out of the closet. "Daddy I heard you cursing!" said Ralph.
"Now Ralphie what have I told you about my forbidden closet! What is so fascinating about it?" Clancy explained to Ralph.
"Sorry Chief. We were just playing." Bart replied apologetic.
Clancy was overjoyed. "Ralphie? You have a friend? Well why didn't you say so? Here play with these riot helmets and tonfas! They're fun!"
Bart and Ralph put on some riot helmets and started hitting each other with truncheons and laughing.
Simpsons house. Marge was doing laundry. Again... She passed Oscar’s room to hear a cartoon rubbery stretching sound effect of something sticky like taffy being pulled. She assumed he had cartoons on.
However Oscar had turned himself back into a baby and shrunk himself. When Teddy naturally curious bent down and sniffed him he decided to stuff his hands up Teddy’s big wet shiny black nose and got stuck in his gooey snot as a result. Oscar was tugging at the snot.
...
Dinner at Ralph’s.
Bart grimaced, freaked out because Ralph decided to wear his Mac n cheese on his head...
”Oh Ralphie...” Clancy sighed because his son made a mess.
Soon it was bedtime.
"Now Ralphie has to sleep with a night light on because he's scared of the dark. Is that okay Bart?" Clancey asked as Bart was climbing into the top bunk. Ralph was cowering under his blanket.
"Sure. I'm one to talk, I can't sleepover at others without having accidents in the night so I have to wear pull ups..." Bart explained blushing as he pulled up the rim of his pull ups that had Happy Little Elves printed on them.
”Well Ralphie hasn’t been able to remain dry at night to be promoted to pull ups.” said Clancy. Ie Ralph still wears diapers...
Bart then tucked himself in.
"Well goodnight!" Clancy switched on Ralph's night light. Unfortunately it was blindingly bright!
Bart groaned as the light hurt his eyes.
Bart couldn't sleep so he got Ralph up to find something cool to do.
"Just be quiet Ralph. I don't want to wake your folks!" Bart explained. They snuck about in their pajamas until they got into the master bedroom because Clancy had left it open. He had also gone to sleep with the TV on. Bart then saw something hanging from the bed post that intrigued him.
"Ralph! Is that! Oh my god!" Bart gasped. "Is that the town's master key?!"
Ralph nodded and smiled.
Bart was moaning with joy/arousal and drooling.
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Bart asked quietly.
"I think so Bart, but burlap chafes me so!' said Ralph.
Bart face palmed. "No I meant let's borrow the Town master key!"
"Oh!" said Ralph. During this entire conversation the Wiggums slept like logs...
Bart fetched a broom to take the key. He thought he nearly woke Chief Wiggum, but he was just muttering in his sleep. After getting the key Bart decided just for laughs to prod Chief Wiggum and make him curse in his sleep because it was funny.
...
They went into town somehow. Man Chief Wiggum is heavy sleeper... Bart used the master key to get into the ice cream store and nicked some ice cream for himself and Ralph. They ate the ice cream before deciding they'd better head back home and put the master key back before Chief Wiggum woke up.
...
The next afternoon after Bart got home, Marge was in a good mood as she spoke to Homer.
"Bart seems taken by his new friend Ralph! Why he's asked to sleep over again!" said Marge.
Bart walked through the kitchen dribbling and drooling while moaning happily about something.
Sometime later when Marge agreed he could sleepover again she was packing his pull ups.
"Mom I was dry as a desert last time I was at Ralph's! Do I really need to wear those...". Bart whined.
"Sorry Bart but I can't take that risk getting a tearful phone call in the night saying you've had a bathroom accident. When you learn to get to the toilet in time at other's houses we'll think about it." said Marge.
Bart sighed and rolled his eyes. "At least buy me Itchy and Scratchy ones!"
"They don't do those dear. They only do Happy Little Elves." Marge replied as Bart left to prank Lisa or something.
Later Marge and Homer were recording funny answering phone messages.
"This is Jerry McGuire, show me the message! Show me the message!" said Homer.
"Um no. That one sucks..." Marge sighed. She recorded a funny answering machine message. "This is Geraldine and the devil made me miss your call! Here comes the beep! Here comes the beep!" Uh... what is that a reference to...?
"No." said Homer taking the book. "Do the message! Doo Doo do do! Doo do do do! Do dooo do do do!" He started singing to a song. Marge rolled her eyes.
Bart came in. "What are you two doing...?!" Bart didn't want to know.
"Oh just recording a message for our new answering machine." said Marge.
"Doo do dodo do do! Answer after the beep." said Homer.
Marge sighed.
“Oh funny answering machine messages are hilarious! Once my sister and I recorded silly messages on our parents answering machine.” said Oscar.
An answering machine played messages.
”I’m going, I’m going! And I love yoooooooooouuu!” Bigmouth sang.
”(Oscar screaming in gibberish.)”
Bart sighed and left his parents to their devices.
...
At Ralph's again during the night Bart got ahold of the master key again and they got dressed. This time they arrived at an abandoned prison that was only for death row inmates as it was used for executions by electric chair. However after the death penalty was abolished in Springfield it was abandoned. It was rather spooky looking because of its location in a dark forest. Even Bart was spooked.
He quivered frightened as he looked up at the scary prison. Its sign that explained the name of the building read “Morningwood Penitentiary. Condemned.”
Oscar laughed hysterically. “Gahahahaha! Heh! Morning wood!”
Bart rolled his eyes. “Do you always find anything crude funny?” He groaned.
"Bart I'm scared!" Ralph was shivering.
"Please don't be! You're making me scared!" Bart began shivering.
Suddenly the bullies turned up.
"Why if isn't the dork and a baby!" Jimbo taunted.
"Why are you hanging out with that baby, Bart? I'm so disappointed in you! I thought you were cool. Well for a shrimp..." Kerne sighed.
"Would a shrimp have the town master key?" Bart explained.
"Whooooooaaa!" The bullies gasped.
"Let's break into the school and vandalize Skinner's stupid Puma!" said Dolph.
"No, let's break into the zoo and tease the dingoes!" said Kerney.
"No, let's Key some cars!" said Nelson.
"Nah, let's just hawk this key into that abandoned prison over there and give these babies a mud bath!" said Jimbo seeing a delightfully wet slimy mud puddle.
Bart gulped as Jimbo snatched the master key and threw it over the walls of the abandoned prison.
Then somehow Bart and Ralph were stripped down to their pull ups and tossed into a big mud puddle landing with a big ol' wet splat!
"Later losers!" said Jimbo as they rode off.
"Come on Ralph, let's get dressed and go home..." Bart sighed as they waded out of the mud puddle.
"I can't! Not without daddy's key!" Ralph whined.
"Oh yeah, we're screwed if your dad doesn't see that hanging from his bed post in the morning!" Bart realized as he got dressed.
They snuck into the scary abandoned prison and found the key.
"Now let's go home! It's spooky out here!" Ralph whined.
"Hold on let's-" Bart was about to say but an unearthly wail that he thought was from the ghosts of long dead criminals scared him. "No let's get outta here!" They ran off screaming.
...
They quickly got home, put the key back quietly and got into their pajamas and went to sleep.
Bart had nightmares that night like of his Skinner Nightmare when he thought he killed Skinner of zombie criminals climbing out of the ground and chasing him, finding their corpses in a meat locker and then being put on an electric chair and zapped.
Bart woke up yelling and checked his pull-ups to find them warm and damp with urine. "Ugh! Thanks mom..." he groaned.
The next day Bart and Ralph agreed not to go on anymore night time adventures with the master key.
“Wanna play stuffed animal parade?” Ralph asked.
“Um... no.” said Bart.
Downstairs Chief Wiggum was watching odd films...
“We now return to The Return of The Pink Panther Returns...” said the TV. Mmmmmm... Redundant... “Starring Ken Wahl as Inspector Clouseau.”
Bart and Ralph snuck out again borrowing Jeff from Earthbound’s Bad Key Machine.
“Ralph with this bad key machine, we’re like two kids in a toy store.” said Bart.
“Wheeeeeeee! Toy store! Toy store! Weeee wooooo! Weeee woooooo!” Ralph was being very loud.
“Shhhhhh!” Bart hand gagged him,
Later they had eaten cakes from the wedding cake shop.
“I can’t believe we ate an entire wedding cake...” said Ralph.
“And a whole pan of funeral fudge...” said Bart.
“Mmmmmmm... melancholic fudge...” said Homer at a funeral in a black suit sobbing and helping himself to the fudge at the wake.
Bart sweat dropped.
“How about a Bar Mitzvah banoffee pie?” said Oscar offering Jurkle the Jewish kid a banoffee pie.
“Oz the joke is over...” Bart sighed.
...
Then they went out at night to the haunted prison again.
“Hey look! It’s Doofus and the baby again? Let’s give them another mud bath!” said Jimbo.
Bart gave the camera a concerned look as the bullies stripped him and Ralph down to their pull ups and tossed them in a big slimy mud puddle. Splat.
Bart muttered as he wadded out of the mud and got dressed. Ralph rolled in the mud for a bit before getting dressed too.
They couldn’t get out the spooky forest leading to the abandoned prison and got lost.
“Bart I’m scared!” said Ralph whimpering.
“Me too!” said Bart shining his torch at the scary twisted trees. Some looked like snarling faces.
Then Oscar the almighty narrator got stupid and made the trees able to move like animals more than plants. Bart and Ralph were grabbed by wooden snake like branches and branches with clawed hands on them.
“Holy crap the Evil Dead molesting trees!” Oscar screamed.
“Oz!” Bart yelled at him for saying molesting.
Ralph winced as he was restrained tightly by the snake like wooden tendrils coiled around his wrists and ankles and waistline. Out from knot holes in the tree trunk he was held against, gooey amber tree sap poured out, engulfing his feet and hands. He struggled in the gooey sap but it just got stickier.
Then the freaky Evil Dead raping trees decided to disrobe the three boys and put diapers on them.
“What the fudge?!” Bart yelled as he got stripped and diapered by the trees.
Once all three of them were in diapers. With Oscar enjoying this too much... some grey cartoon squirrels with big wet shiny black noses sniffed their crotches.
“Oz enough of your weird screwed up crap!” Bart yelled as he grimaced as he wet his diaper.
The tendrils holding him hoisted him up and a tree branch spanked him. “Ow! Ow! Ow!”
“Watch the potty mouth Bart...” said Oscar as a shiny nosed squirrel sniffed his crotch. “In fact....” he casted the bowel movement charm and Bart immediately shat his diaper messily.
Kersplat!
“Eeeeeew! Oz you have serious issues man...” said Bart.
Eventually once Oscar was extremely aroused from being sniffed by shiny nosed squirrels the trees release him, Bart and Ralph.
Bart leading the three muttered about Oscar being weird when he started sinking as he had walked into quicksand.
“Bart! I’m sinking!” Ralph whined as he sunk up to his waist in the quicksand mud.
“Ralph don’t struggle you’ll sink faster. Oz! Get your hand out of your diaper and help!” Bart tried to keep a cool head and not squirm. Oscar was fapping because he was aroused by the quicksand.
The grabbing branches of the grabbing trees pulled Bart and Ralph out of the quicksand just in time for Oscar to climax and cum in his diaper.
Bart and Ralph were put safely on the bank of the quicksand pond. However the shiny nosed squirrels kept sniffing their diapers. Bart winced as he wet his diaper that was still very stinky and poop filled. “Stop sniffing me and get this turd filled sack off of me!”
The grey shiny nosed squirrels pinned Bart down and took off his dirty diaper. A cartoon mud monster emerged from the quicksand holding a diaper and baby powder. He changed Bart’s diaper.
Bart winced.
Plot 4[]
Meanwhile in canon Bart and Ralph accidentally turned on the power to an old electric chair. Mayor Quimby was on the news explaining with Springfield reinstating the death penalty the chair would be in use again and tried it out. He got electrocuted.
”Oh no! Hugo we have to do something!” said Lisa to Hugo.
As celebration of the Simpsons and the Wiggums making up after Lisa and Ralph's short relationship turned sour they had a barbecue and celebrated.
"Three cheers to Bart and Ralph!" everyone cheers.
A leprechaun then appeared on Ralph's shoulder. "Good, now you know what to do. Burn the house down! Burn them all!!"
Ralph nodded while scary music played.
The end?