The Two Mrs Nahasa-Whatever the hell is Apu’s Surname Apu’s mother arrives and forces him to marry Manjula. Hilarity insues.
The chalkboard gag is “No one wants to hear my armpits.”
The couch gag is the couch crashing into an iceberg and sinking. Maggie survives by floating on a cushion.
Then Leonardo Dicaprio as Jack and eh.... Rose floated past on a door as Celine Dion sung “Near far..... wherever you are.....”
Springfield is raising money for a new fire truck for their volunteer fire department. The religious volunteer fire department.
“Yeah remember when Dad stayed home from church and all of the people he speaks to such as his friends were somehow religious in some way to try to coax him back to church but only him being saved from a fire changed his mind?” said Bart.
“Last time I checked, Snake handler is not a religion...’ said Oscar.
“Okay I’m Greek Orthodox...” said Moe because he’s Greek. Well half Dutch on his father’s side because he wore clogs once.
“Okay, so there’s Krusty, who’s Jewish, Apu who’s Hindu, Moe an Orthodox Christian/Snake handler.” said Lisa.
“Shame Eve couldn’t handle that snake... lousy first ever woman...” Homer groaned.
“Then Mr Flanders, a Christian and Milhouse’s Mom.” said Lisa.
“Milhouse’s Mom?!” Bart asked.
“Yeah my mom is always doing a good deed.” said Milhouse. “She says it is a penitence for stealing clothes from the church jumble sale...”
The Simpsons were quite embarrassed she did that,
Now to get this fire truck, the Springfield volunteer fire fighters who are all religious yet I have no idea how Luanne fits in there, decided to run a bachelor’s dating show. Like Blind Date but as a slave auction...
“I wanted it Blind date themed.” Oscar whined.
“Eeeeeeuuughhh.... Cilla Black...” said Homer groaning in disgust.
“Look Dating shows aren’t really America’s thing Oz.” said Bart.
“Shhhh! We’re missing the bachelors!” Marge hushed them.
The first bachelor was Barney but no one wanted him because of his hygiene and belching. Then he sung beautifully. The ladies cheered and all wanted him.
“He’s like Quasimodo. Ugly on the outside, beautiful on the inside.” said Hugo.
“Well I have some numbers to cash in tonight!” Barney cheered.
“Good luck Barney!” said Homer to his friend.
Next was Sea Captain. No ladies wanted him so he went home with a wooden mermaid decoration from a ship.
“Arrr! You’re the catch of the day!” said Sea Captain. He was also a father once. There was an episode where Mrs Sea Captain or Mrs McCallister has a baby and he says that.
Then Moe was up next. No ladies wanted him and he was sent straight to the cold fish pen.
“Geez this is so humiliating! Why do we have to stand here?!” he said while smiling gamely.
Krusty asked if there were any more bachelors. There are loads but for some reason either they didn’t attend the fundraiser or were too shy. Leaving the Simpsons to badger Apu to go on stage as technically he is a bachelor.
“Apu you’re a bachelor!” said Marge.
“Yeah a bachelor in computers....” Hugo quipped because Apu once told the Simpsons how he went to university.
“Quiet boy!” Homer yelled. “Go on Apu!”
“Oh no no. I am nothing special!” said Apu.
“Don’t be shy said Homer pushing him on stage.
Krusty gave him the mike. However he was too shy.
“Just talk about yourself.” said Marge.
“Well I have a bachelor’s degree in computer science.” said Apu.
“Nailed it!” said Hugo.
“Shut up boy!” Homer yelled.
The women all loved Apu and he got just as many numbers as Barney. Even Luanne liked him.
“Luanne!! You better have enough money to pay my alimony!” Kirk yelled.
Milhouse cried. “Why won’t you just stop fighting!?”
“Poor Milhouse...” Marge sighed.
There was only one contestant left. A talking ostrich called Colin voiced by John Challis. However he was one of those guys who thought they were God’s gift to women so the ladies hated his smugness of his actual poor romancing skills. However he was too blinded by his own smugness of his skills to care
“Go away Colin!”
“Yeah go away!”
Despite the negative response he assumed the ladies were smitten with him. “I’ll be cashing in these raffle tickets later! Know what I mean lads?”
“You’d think we’d see a lot more bachelors like Professor Frink. Or Comic Book Guy...” said Bart.
“Let’s go home kids.” said Homer.
They are magically in their lounge on the couch.
“We are home Dad.” said Lisa.
“That was fast...” said Homer.
Meanwhile Apu enjoyed his new love life going on dates with his girlfriends.
One evening he was dropping off Miss Hoover.
“I had a wonderful night Apu! Thanks for winning Wubsie.” She kissed him and took a teddy bear panda she won at an arcade. Or possibly a fair.
“Eeeugh... couples finding carnival arcades romantic... they are only for kids like me to play video games or Will Smith reuniting with his onscreen father and winning Screwy Squirrel t shirts.” Oscar groaned as he played Spider Stomp. “Wait! Screwy squirrel?!”
At the Simpsons house Lisa and Bart were bickering over who was more romantic.
“Oh Bart you wouldn’t know romance if it bit you on the butt!” Lisa ranted.
“Oh yeah?” said Bart.
“Prove it then!” said Bart.
“When we all watched Titanic! I cried because Leonardo Dicaprio died! You cried because Billy Zane didn’t!”
“I cried because he didn’t fight Sora and Disney characters while unleashing the heartless!” Oscar ranted insanely,
“Oz he’s allowed to be other characters...” Hugo sighed.
“Oh yeah aside from Ralph how many boyfriends have you had?” Bart asked.
“None.” said Lisa crestfallen. “But I like that Quantum Lichen boy Langdon Alger.”
“You can’t even see his face because he wears a paper bag over it!” said Bart.
“Because he is a quantum lichen...” said Lisa. “Anyway how many girlfriends have you had since Jessica...”
“Too many to count... and according to the Simpsons episode guide I’m due to have a lot more than you sis!” said Bart.
Lisa growled and stormed off.
Apu had more romances such as Milhouse’s Mom.
“How do you feel about single moms..” Luanne asked him romantically as she made eyes at him.
“Your boy and Bart sure buy a lot of Squishees!” said Apu.
At the store while serving Homer, Apu read cards from his girlfriends. One was too explicit to read to Homer. Homer yoinked it and read it, then groaned and drooled aroused.
“Oh! This one is from my mother!” said Apu.
“Ooooooooh! Let’s see what she put! Purrrrrrrr!” said Homer aroused. Eeeeeew!
Apu gasped in horror as a lotus flower dropped out.
“Not a big fan of flowers than Apu?” Homer said smirking.
“No you don’t understand It is a sign my arranged marriage is imminent!” said Apu.
“Not on my watch!” Oscar yelled. “Just give me time to contact the border and customs and immigration and I’ll make sure your mother and her medieval views on marriage never enter this country! This isn’t shamalamadingding land where arranged marriages are allowed! This is America! Land of the free!”
“He’s right! Woohoo! USA! USA! USA.”” said Homer. “But for now we’ll just say you’re already married.”
However Apu’s mother arrived.
“Oh no! Oh please Ganesh! Slow her down!” said Apu.
Apu’s mother slipped and fell over.
Homer laughed hysterically.
“Thank you Lord Ganesh!” Apu prayed to Ganesh.
Then Mrs Apu was squashed by a piano.
She woke up in hospital.
“You’re very lucky to be alive Ma’am.” said Dr Payne. “A full size piano fell on you!”
For some reason she went to see the Simpsons when she was allowed out.
The Simpson kids asked very inappropriate questions. Especially about her forehead dot...
‘Can we ask about your dot?” Bart asked.
“Sure go ahead children.” said Mrs Apu.
“Can you see out of it?” Lisa asked.
“Does it change colour when you’re ticked off?” Bart asked.
“You tell me...” Apu’s Mom gave him a long hard look.
“Nope.” said Bart.
“No she’s clearly being sniped by assassins! It’s a laser sight! Get down Apu’s mom!” Oscar tackles her.
Later Marge was comforting Mrs Apu over something. Maybe Oscar trying to save her from an imaginary sniper and shoving her to the ground?
“I’m am so sorry about Bart’s offensive Gandhi impression!” Marge was mortified about something Bart did. I can only wish they showed us!
Meanwhile Homer went to live at the retirement home under the name Cornelius and somehow the retirement home staff allowed him to do so.
”Hey Dad! You’re favourite son has come to spend time with you!” said Homer.
”Baloney! You’ve come to put me in a home!” said Abe.
”Dad you’re already in a home...” said Homer.
”Oh! How could you!” Abe whined.
They sat in front of the TV until the nurses handed out medication.
”Abe Simpson... Cornelius Talmadge..” a male nurse mistook Homer for some guy called Cornelius.
”But I’m not... Oh! Well let’s see what’s in here eh...” said Homer.
”The pink ones keep ya from screaming.” said Abe.
”Right that’s it!” Oscar snapped and wrote something on a note. “Residents doped with pills that stop them from screaming...”
The same male nurse rang a bell. “Supper time!”
”Oooooh! Supper at four o clock! How wonderful!” said Homer.
He got up and walked but saw home residents using wheelchairs, some motorised.
”What the?! They get to use wheelchairs and here I am using my legs like simp!” said Homer. He got in a wheelchair and wheeled himself to supper.
”I want that one and that one!” Oscar was sat in a wheelchair being pushed about by Hugo. Oscar was dressed as Andy from Little Britain.
”No one in America gets that!” Homer grunted.
Suddenly Jasper whizzed passed one a motorised chair.
”D’oh!” Homer grunted.
At Home Oscar was taking the mick out of Indian people by drawing a red dot on his forehead. And chanting in mock Punjabi.
Mrs Apu was telling her son Apu how disappointed she was that he married someone else other than Manjula. Suddenly ICE enforcers broke in.
”Mrs Nahasa- Ah whatever, you are under arrest under protection of democracy act, your medieval views on arranged marriage have no place here in America. You will deported back to India immediately.” said an ICE enforcement officer.
”Oh my bloody goodness!” Apu lamented.
”Oh bud! Bud! Bud!” Oscar was talking in ridiculous accents again.
”Oz stop! That is really offensive!” Lisa nagged.
At the old folks home. Homer walked about using his legs like a simp while he said hi to everyone.
”Jasper, Hans Moleman, Crazy old Jewish man, Gladys. Hazel.” Hazel did not hear him. “Hazel! Hazel! Hazel!!”
”Cornelius! Please! She’s deaf! Don’t yell so loud!” A nurse asked him to stop yelling.
Rex Banner bursted in.
”FBI. It seems you nurses are doping these old timers with a few happy pills...” said Rex. “Confiscate all the pink pills...”
”You don’t understand!” A nurse cried. “What it’s like listening to them screeching at you all day!”
upon having their next dosage of pink pills confiscated the old folks promptly had a screaming fit.
”Oooooh! I hope your happy kid...” a nurse groaned.
”Nope...” said Oscar drinking a carton of um bongo.
At dinner Homer got in a motorised chair and zoomed off to the dining room.
Jasper caught up.
”Oh no you don’t!” Homer accelerated with increased velocity.
”Just you watch me, baldy...” said Jasper determined as he caught up.
Dramatic music played as Jasper tried to ram into Homer, and Homer rammed into him.
The chariots of Rome crashing into each other reference continued.
”Folks please! The wheelchairs are not toys!” A nurse sighed.
Homer slammed his chair into Jasper knocking him over and headed to the dining room.
”Wow! Some one likes their kidney mush...” said a nurse seating him.
”Hehehe! Yeah...” said Homer.
”Serving the residents inadequate food, ie meat mush...” Oscar muttered angrily as he made notes.
Apu lamented his mother getting deported but decided to enjoy his new found freedom dating. He went to the disco.
Meanwhile Oscar went to an arcade, fun palace. Possibly Chuck E Cheeses, with Hugo. Hugo was bored while Oscar played on the machines, robbed the claw grabber machine of teddies and plushies and bought a Screwy Squirrel T shirt.
”Like Will Smith got in Fresh Prince of Bel Air when his estranged father tried to be a father to him.” said Oscar buying a shirt. It was white with Screwy Squirrel’s face on the front. Oscar took off his sweater and tied it round his waist. He put on the Screwy Squirrel T shirt and used his magic wand to zap Screwy to life.
”Oh my! Where’s my body?! Where is my body?!” Screwy screamed.
Oscar gurgled and honked and squeezed Screwy’s big wet shiny black nose. It squeaked like a toy.
”Ow! My nose is not a toy!” Screwy whined.
At home Marge sighed at him getting a Screwy Squirrel T shirt.
”Just be thankful it didn’t have a picture of a dolphin or a soccer ball with pentagons on it, Mom...” said Hugo.
At the old folks home Homer lied in bed sucking from a catheter bag that was full of some food he requested while relaxing music played.
”But Detective Chief Inspector! We use nutritional food that is safe for all of our residents to eat taking into account allergies and those that can’t chew their food anymore!” A nurse protested.
”From now on you feed these people properly! They deserve dignity and respect!” Rex Banner yelled.
”I thought you hated that guy...” Homer said to Oscar as he drank from his catheter.
”He’s had a lot of time to think in exile that Monty Burns is never getting justice for being rightly killed for being a jerk.” said Oscar.
The white haired, These eggs are difficult to digest Lady/Hester was served some eggs.
”These eggs are difficult to digest! I want soft boiled eggs!” said Hester.
A nurse grunted trying to contain his temper and went off to make her some soft boiled eggs.
Homer finished off his catheter.
”Mmmmmmmm! Liquid potato chips... but I can’t have just one!” said Homer. He buzzed a red button.
”Another catheter of liquid potato chips, Mr Talmadge...” asked a female nurse.
”Please. Also I’m getting a bedsore. What does an old geezer have to do to get turned around here?” Homer replied.
The nurse grunts as she turns him over on his stomach.
”Hey what’s that Lucky is hooked up to?” Homer sees an old man hooked up to a breathing machine.
”A respirator. It breaths for him...” the nurse explained.
”And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker!” said Homer. “And everyone here gets either a bedpan or wears diapers. How comes I have to walk to the can like a tool?!”
“You can’t walk over there?!” A nurse asked annoyed.
”No! I can’t! And another- Uh oh...” Homer said but a shadow arrived.
”Greetings. I am Cornelius Talmadge. My family booked me in here a month ago but I sorta broke out and went on a bender... hehehe! And I’m back now...” said the real Cornelius Talmadge.
”Wait! If you’re Cornelius Talmadge, who was that-“ the nurse asked but Homer had already climbed out the window and ran off into the night wearing only a white shirt and his underwear.
Abe was showing a new resident around.
”That’s the library. Can’t go in there. That’s the games room, can’t go in there either... Don’t think about going in that room...”
Oscar scowled and clicked his fingers. Rex and a few large officers barged past the wards and opened the library doors and the doors to the game room. And removed the barrier ropes.
”No please! You don’t understand!” A nurse whined.
”Hot diggity! I’m going to loudly complain about all the swear words in the books!” Abe cheered.
The old folks poured into the library or the games room, depending their mood.
”There’s a guy in there using a book’s pages as toilet roll!” A nurse ranted.
”Eeeeeew! Okay he is not allowed in there then...” Oscar groaned.
”Censored versions of Gone with the wind...” Oscar went through the VHS tapes.
”Please! The old folks get upset by the word Damn!” said a nurse.
Old folks mutter and scold the nurse.
”Such language of the younger generation! Honestly!”
”My oh my...”
”What must their mother think!”
”Are you quite done sonny...” a nurse ranted.
”Not quite! How comes you won’t let my Grampa Cornelius get frisky with his boyfriends in here and post explicit images on the internet?!” Oscar ranted.
”Because it is indecent! Cornelius! Ignatius! Jeremiah! Stop having Lemon Parties!” The Nurse replied, telling off some old guy called Cornelius and two other guys.
Three old men were in bed clearly in the middle of sex.
Cornelius Talmadge and Jasper were wheelchair racing to the dining room at lunchtime.
”Give up Jasper, I still have the use of my legs!” said Cornelius on a Segway.
”Fat chance!” said Jasper competitive.
They race until Lord Hugh Kane rode past in a wheelchair laughing maniacally in a deep voice because he is voiced by Twoface/Norman from Mighty Max.
Then there is the wedding where Apu does not want to marry Manjula so he asks Homer to ruin the wedding. Homer’s idea of crashing the wedding is to do so as Ganesh. Unfortunately by the time he dies so Apu realises he loves Manjula.
“Stop! This wedding angers me!” said Homer as Ganesh.
“Coooooool!” said Bart thinking this was cool.
“Stop! All will die!” Homer as Ganesh warned.
“You are not Ganesh! Ganesh is merciful and graceful!” said a guest in Hindi.
“Aaaaaagh! Stop chasing Ganesh! You’re just making him madder! Fear my wrath!” said Homer as Ganesh.
“‘Kali ma shakti de! Kali maaaaaaa!” Oscar was dressed as Mola Ram.
“Oh stop invoking Kali! We are in love now!” said Apu.
“All will die...” Homer groaned.
After the wedding people got to feed the elephants.
“I want an elephant...” Bart whined.
“You had one. His name was Stampy! You loved him....” said Lisa.
“Oh yeah....” said Bart.
That wedding night the grown ups drank heavily and ate Indian food. The real thing, not the re-engineered recipes in English take away restaurants for western pallets.
Lisa saw through time because of the spicy food.
“I can see through time!” she gasped.
“No Lisa you looked into the heart of the TARDIS! Nobody is ever supposed to see that!” The ninth Doctor lamented.
Then Lisa became Bad Wolf. That bit in Doctor Who was awesome.
“I looked into the TARDIS and it looked into me!” said Bad Wolf Lisa from spicy food.
“Lisa you looked into the time vortex! No one is supposed to see that!” The Doctor lamented.
“This is the abomination!” The Dalek emperor screamed.
“Lisa you’re burning up! Just let go!” The Doctor cried.
“Exterminate!” A dalek tried to zap her but she sent the death beam back.
“I want to protect you my Doctor, from the false god.”
“You cannot hurt me! I am immortal!!” said the Dalek Emperor. Yes it said that.
“You are tiny! I can see every moment of existence! Every one of your atoms! And I divide them!” Bad Wolf Lisa reduced the Daleks to atoms. Which looked really cool!
Then the Simpsons realised Bad Wolf or I can see time Lisa after she ate spicy food was incredibly dangerous. Thank goodness she was good and not evil.
Then Apu was so drunk he wanted everyone to get naked. “Everyone. Hic! Everyone get naked!”
“Well why not! This party is just getting started!” Kirk stripped off naked.
Marge was mortified and covered Bart and Lisa’s eyes.
Hugo was disappointed with the food. “I wanted Snake surprise, beetles and chilled monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the temple of doom.”
“Quiet boy!” Homer told him off.
“And the entertainment is- Sweet formulae of Fermat! I can see Mr Van Hounten’s ding dong!” Hugo screamed.
“Homer! Cover his eyes! I only have two hands!” Marge yelled.
“Okay... eyes closed time boy...” Homer sighed. Covering Hugo’s eyes.
That evening everyone hung over or with indigestion from spicy food was asleep. Apu despite being recently married slept with Selma again in Bart’s bed. He stood annoyed and checking his watch.
Oscar was asleep in his bed wearing a Screwy Squirrel t shirt from the arcade and surrounded by plushies he stole from the claw grabber machine.
Homer was drunk and eating peanuts meant for the elephants.
“Homer those are for the elephants...” said Marge.
“I need to layer my stomach to sober up! Stupid pachyderms...” said Homer.
An elephant trumpeted angrily and grabbed him with its trunk and swung him about.
“Aaaaaaaagh! Ganesh is angry! Oh spare me Lord Ganesh!” Homer screamed as the elephant swung him about.
However it was all a dream as Apu woke up in the Kwik e mart.
“What the? Was I at a gorgeous Hindu wedding and changed my mind about marrying my arranged wife?” Apu asked.
“No you must have been dreaming Apu! Customs and boarder control stopped your mother at the boarder and said she couldn’t come in until she changed her medieval attitude towards marriage.” said Homer.
”You’re still a bachelor.” said Oscar.
“Woohoo!” said Apu.
”But Homer staying at the retirement home was real though...” said Oscar.
”I almost got away with it until the real Cornelius Talmadge arrived... stupid Talmadge...” said Homer.
“The elephants that look like they’ve been dressed for Dhalsim from Streetfighter’s temple are real though.” said Oscar.
A nicely decorated elephant trumpeted at him with its trunk.
“No.” said Oscar squeezing its trunk so the air was forced out making a balloon squeaky sound like in so many reoccurring gags in Disney films. The elephant had quite a concerned face when he stopped it from trumpeting.