The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Bart gets in big trouble on a school trip to the police station when he puts megaphones together to amplify them and yells something into them causing a massive sound wave that breaks everything! As punishment he's sent to military school. However Lisa wants to go but it's a boys' military school and all the boys hate her because she needs her own dormitory so they have to move in with Company Earl.
Plot[]
"Class today we will be attending the Springfield police station for a school trip. Well it beats our last trip to the ball bearing factory..." said Mrs Krabappel. She has a flashback of Bart causing mayhem from pulling a lever.
There is mayhem from ball bearings spilling everywhere etc.
"What did that kid do?!" A factory worker cried.
Meanwhile in second grade Lisa and her class were watching a projector film about the moon.
”And Neil Armstrong planted a flag on the moon. Oh and it is flapping because of the Moon Wind...(Shifty)” said the narrator.
Then he spoke about moon colonies in the future and that you weigh less on the moon. A fat kid is stuffing himself with cake.
”Slow down Tubby! You’re not on the moon yet!” said the narrator. That fat kid looks sad.
”Miss Hoover we’ve watched two films today! Can’t we do some work?” Lisa whined.
Everyone threw books at her. “Ow! Ow! Okay! I get it...” Lisa sighed.
Miss Hoover put on a film about sand.
Back in reality the fourth grade class went to the police station.
They had to wait for Wiggum to arrive because he hurried in still brushing his teeth and shaving. He fumbled with the station keys and let everyone in.
”I’ll just check the answering machine. Thirty messages?!”
The first was a woman screaming she was being attacked.
(Frantic screaming from the answering machine.)
The kids and Mrs Krabappel were unnerved.
”Can’t people just take the law into their own hands...” Wiggum sighed.
"There's a yellow line around my desk! Let's all go round it!" said Chief Wiggum. They followed a yellow line into Wiggum's office, around his desk and out again.
Then he showed them a diorama of a hippy and his cannibal girlfriend who was eating their baby.
The kids screamed.
"Yes, while Marty was done for a DUI, his bird got the munchies for a Californian cheeseburger!" said Chief Wiggum. "Now any questions?"
"Did she really eat her baby?!" Hugo asked.
"Yes! Now no more questions about her eating her baby!" said Chief Wiggum.
Back in school in second grade.
”So children just think, where would we be without sand...” said the narrator. “Sand! Sand! Saaaaaaand!” people sing, the projector tape ran out.
Janey turns on the lights. Miss Hoover has mysteriously vanished. Or absconded off home...
”Miss Hoover?” Lisa asked.
“Her car is gone.” said Janey.
”Maybe she drove to the moon!” said Ralph being silly.
In Third grade.
The teacher from Bart and Lisa Vs the third grade was making drinking gestures when ever she mentioned Mrs Krabappel.
Ace sat bored at his desk in a darkened corner because he is a vampire and therefore allergic to sun light.
”Anyway class. Principal Skinner, Aka Momma’s boy, has announced the school will now open up after hours as a night school for nocturnal pupils. Ie, you Ace...” said the teacher.
Ace groaned and slumped over his desk.
Jurkle the Jewish kid was reading when Oscar tapped him. Oscar had two pencils shoved up his nose. Jurkle shook his head.
After a tour in the photograph room where criminals got their headshots, Bart stayed behind in the megaphone room. He had a naughty idea.
He picked one up and spoke into it. "Testing." It made him louder. Then he attached two together to amplify then. "Testing!" He sounded even louder. Then he had a very naughty idea...
Bart had attached megaphones in a long line. He licked his lips as a fly flew past. Its buzzing loudly amplified. Then Bart yelled "Testing!" But he was suddenly thrown backwards by an extremely powerful sound wave!
The sound traveled across Springfield breaking windows everywhere! It set off parrots in a pet store.
"Ah! Testing! Testing!" said the parrots.
Then it broke an aquarium in Frink's laboratory and an octopus inside latched onto his face.
Then Homer was at the fridge getting a nice cool beer when suddenly the sound wave shattered all of his beer bottles. He screamed. "Noooooo! My beer!"
Sometime later Bart had been dragged home by Chief Wiggum and was being yelled at by Homer who was obviously very mad. However Homer couldn't make himself heard over the ringing which irritated the Simpsons.
"Will you shut up!!" Homer yelled at the ringing. It suddenly stopped. "Oh good! Now where was I? Ah yes! I'll teach you to-" Homer yells at Bart again.
"I'm sorry Chief Wiggum. I don't know what's got into him..." said Marge.
"Well when my cousin Ernie went off the rails my parents just gave him Ritalin. That straightened him out." said Wiggum.
"No!" Lisa and Oscar yelled.
"Drugging people to behave is monstrosity wrong!" Oscar yelled.
”Shut up! Bring on the drugs Chief...” said Homer.
”No!” Oscar and Lisa yelled glaring at Homer.
”Homer no. No drugs.” said Marge.
"Well the only alternative would be military school." said Wiggum. "That'll straighten Bart out!"
"No school can hold me!" Bart yelled. He rushed off. Sometime later a police escort had arrived with him driving Ned's lawnmower.
The Simpsons watched flabbergasted.
”Um okay...” said Oscar.
Eventually Lou brought Bart inside.
"Bart! Go to-" Homer yelled.
"My room?" Bart asked.
"No your room is full of toys! Go to the garage!" Homer replied.
"Hmmmmmm! Homer!" Marge sighed. "Bart, go to your room, we're very disappointed in you!"
Bart pouted.
”I’m serious Bartholomew! I am outraged at you wrecking the town with a sonic boom! Why can’t you be more like your twin?!” Marge yelled.
Hugo was laughing maniacally and sewing frogs together.
Bart gave his mom a look as if to say, Why’d ya think?!” He went off to his room.
...
Bart was taken to military school. The drill sergeant showed them around and explained he was confident he'd straighten Bart out in no time.
"No school can hold Bart Simpson!" Bart said defiantly. He ran off somewhere and again was escorted back by guards. This time he was riding a tank.
Once they got Bart back, the Drill sergeant alarmed him by saying this semester there were spaces in class for Bart because they lost a few students to Freak outs. Ie they went Full Metal Jacket...
”F-f-freak outs?!” Bart was frightened.
However Lisa wanted to attend.
"But you're a girl!" said the drill sergeant.
"Yes..." Lisa replied.
"How do I put this... You're a girl." said the drill sergeant.
"You're not doing yourself any favours... so what if I'm a girl?" Lisa replied.
Eventually the drill sergeant had to let her join.
Marge said goodbye to Bart and Lisa but offered to pick Lisa up whenever she wanted. However when Bart begged to be taken home she ignored him.
"I wanna go home." Bart repeated but Marge and Homer left.
The drill sergeant then gathered up all the boys. They didn't seem happy a girl had joined. They made snide comments.
The drill sergeant then explained that because Lisa would need her own dormitory, the boys would have to move in with Company Earl. Another group of cadets.
"Company Earl?! But, they smell!" said a boy.
The drill sergeant dryly muttered under his breath that he wouldn't allow anymore cracks at Company Earl. "And Johnny, you're no longer allowed to act like a girl." He explained to a cadet.
"Well, we'll just see about that!" said the very effeminate boy.
Things went from bad to worse for Bart and Lisa. One muddy, rainy morning they had to do push ups in the mud.
"What's a matter? Girls don't like doing push-ups in the mud?" A boy taunted.
"Is there anything I can say that won't result in me having to do more push ups?" Lisa asked.
The boys whispered to each other.
"No." said a boy.
Lisa collapsed from exhaustion and fell flat on her face in the mud.
Then Bart and Lisa had to polish a statue clean. Bart found a message on it. "I'll die before I surrender, Tim. Who's Tim?"
Lisa explained what the message meant as she had studied the figure the statue represented.
Suddenly an older cadet told them off for talking. "No talking! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!" said the boy.
"Your face is a horse's ass!" Bart responded rudely.
He was in deep trouble...
"Right that's it Simpson! You are so dead!" The boy yelled.
Bart gulped.
...
The cadets were watching a plane with its propellers running.
"Okay, they've had enough. Turn it off." said a boy.
Another boy switched off the plane. It's revealed Bart and Lisa were stuck to the propellers with strong gaffa tape and spun around until they were dizzy.
"Alright, has this lowly maggot passed the test to join our troop?" A boy asked pointing to Bart.
"Yeah!" The rest cheered.
"Alright let him down." said the boy.
"Congratulations Simpson, you're part of the team now!" said a boy as he helped Bart down.
However they left Lisa stuck to a propeller.
"Hey, what about me? Uh guys...?" Lisa asked. But they left her...
...
Bart soon made friends by being the naughty kid as usual. He was telling rude jokes.
"Ha! You're one of a kind Simpson! Just try and stay on the sarge's good side though. He uh, doesn't see the funny side of pranks..." said an older boy.
Eventually it was bed time.
"Alright maggots, it's lights out! We have an early start tomorrow! 6 hundred hours sharp! Lights out!"
Someone switched off the lights. However the sergeant bashed his foot on something. "Ow! Goddamn it! Lights on! Lights on!" He whined. Someone switched them back on again.
"That's it, I'm fine. Lights out." said the Sergeant having found his way out. The lights were switched off.
...
The next morning was the gun range. Oscar arrived.
"Oz why are you here...?" Bart asked.
"I got my third strike... it was either this or the chair..." Oscar explained.
"Ouch! What did you do?!" Bart asked.
"Assaulted that blue haired lawyer and his goons because they wouldn't let me do a potato on forks dance in a restaurant for a girl I was trying to impress..." Oscar replied.
"Oh dear..." Bart sighed.
"Anyway I love the gun range!" said Oscar.
"That doesn't make me feel comfortable..." Bart said nervously.
"Pay attention maggots! I'm assigning you your weapons." said a young weapons instructor. "Now you boys both have rather short arms so I'm moving you both up to advanced equipment." He gave them both a 6 chambered drum fed grenade launcher. "That's a standard issue grenade launcher. Try and get all six targets!"
Bart accurately and quickly shot all except the last target as his last grenade went flying off somewhere.
"Five out of six. Brilliant score Simpson! But you missed your last target." said he instructor.
"Oh did I...?" said Bart smugly.
We then cut to a soot covered Principal Skinner holding car keys in front of a smouldering crater. Bart had obviously aimed for his car again...
Meanwhile Lisa was having trouble with a machine gun as it fired wildly.
"I think it's stuck on automatic!" Lisa whined as she was thrown about by recoil. Eventually the gun ran out of ammo.
"Lisa, if you need help just blow this whistle and I'll come over to help right away." said the instructor giving her a whistle. Lisa sighed.
Plot 2[]
That night the boys were celebrating something when Lisa arrived.
"Lis if the boys find out I'm talking to you they will give me the wedgie of a life time!" Bart explained.
"Bart I'm really having second thoughts staying here. Try and get your friends to be nice to me. I'll put in a good word for you with Mom."
"How about you get me outta here, and maybe I'll get the boys to be nice to you..." Bart replied.
"Bart who are you talking to?" One of the boys asked.
"Uh no one. I'm talking to no one." said Bart.
"Weird kid..." said the boy.
Bart shut the dormitory door on Lisa and went back to joining in whatever activities the boys were doing.
...
Lisa listened to Marge singing You are my sunshine! Over and over again all night. Because she's weird like that.
...
The following morning Oscar went to the showers to find the boys chasing a naked Bart and whipping him with a wet towel.
"Come here butterball!" The boys yelled.
"Guys seriously! Don't make me run!" Bart whined covering his dingus with his hands.
A drill sergeant told them off and they got dressed for whatever they were doing today, probably marching.
Then this bit is funny. The school’s principal or Commandment was voiced by William Defoe.
”DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SACRIFICED?!” He yelled like Norman Osborne from Tobey Maguire Spider-Man.
Bart and Lisa grimaced exasperated.
Also Oscar kept referring to him as the Ten Commandments and dressing up as Moses.
Some months later it was the final pep talk before everyone got their medals and stuff.
The drill sergeant praised everyone but harshly explained they weren't ready for war yet. Not for a long time.
"My killing teacher says I'm a natural!" said Oscar smugly.
"That's really something to be proud of Oz..." Bart said sarcastically.
"No talking in rank! Drop down and give me twenty boy!" The drill sergeant told Oscar off for talking. He had to do push ups.
"You call that push ups!? Do it properly!" The drill sergeant yelled.
...
Then at obstacle course Bart got told of for swearing as he finished the course.
"Excellent time Simpson, but I do not want to hear that sort of language ever again! Understood?"
"Yes sir..." said Bart.
"Good. Now drop down and give me twenty!" yelled the drill sergeant.
Meanwhile.
"Tamaki!! This is not kindergarten! Get out of the mud pool and finish the course!!" A drill sergeant yelled as Oscar was playing in the mud...
"Ha! Mud!" said Oscar.
Lisa was being hazed again so she had enough and called to be picked up.
Oscar saw Marge's car pull up and them talking to Lisa.
"Bart, now's your chance! Gather your things and follow my instructions!" Oscar whispered to Bart.
The Simpsons arrived at home to find they had stowaways in the trunk.
“Aloha!” Bart and Oscar cheered.
"Bart! Oscar?!" Homer yelled.
"It's great to home!" Bart said smugly.
"I suppose Bart put you up to this Oscar..." Lisa said annoyed.
"Nope, was all my idea." said Oscar.
"Well you're both getting back in the car! You're supposed to be being punished. Bart for sending out a loud sound wave and um I don't know why you're attending but you're supposed to be there obviously."
“Homer Oscar’s not going back to that horrible place! Why was he there anyway?!”
”I did a very bad thing...” said Oscar ashamed.
"Nun uh. I'm home now. See you at dinner Homeboy." Bart ran inside with his suitcase.
Homer growled.
"Homer! Remember what the doctor said! Watch your blood pressure " Marge explained.
Lisa grumbled like Marge does when annoyed with someone.
...
Homer tried various tricks to get Bart back to military school.
"Oooooh Bart! Pack your bags! We're all going to Disney world for a fortnight!" said Homer.
"Oh boy! said Bart.
"Steady on champ. It's obviously a trick..." said Oscar.
"How do you know?" Bart asked.
"X Ray glasses from your comic coupons, same way you got your spy camera and I got my electric joy buzzer." said Oscar. "None of them have packed suitcases." Oscar is wearing x ray specs. He can see inside Marge's car's trunk.
"Oh." said Bart.
Homer realised his trick hadn't worked. "Bart! Get your butt in the car now! Don't make me come up there!" Homer yelled.
"Homer! Watch your stress levels!" Marge explained.
Homer the tried to drag Bart out but he held on tight to his bed post.
"Grrrrr! Why does he always do that!" Homer tried to pull Bart but he was holding on tight.
"Nothing stops the Human Limpet!" Bart yelled in strained cries.
"Homer! Let go of him! You'll dislocate his arms!" Marge yelled.
Homer sighed in defeat. "Fine. Say Marge, why don't we all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes..." said Homer.
"Bart, don't let go of that bedpost!" said Oscar.
"Raaaaaaagh! Don't undermine me!!" Homer screamed trying to pull Bart off of the bed.
Marge sighed.
...
Oscar and Bart were still wary that Homer was still insistent about taking Bart back to Military school so prepared another trick with a willing volunteer.
Bart was wandering the landing.
"A ha!" Homer said as he brought an oversized butterfly net down over Bart's head. "Got him Marge, start the car!"
Homer ran downstairs and outside and threw Bart in the car and locked him in. "Wow! I can't believe how easy that was!" said Homer as they took off to the military school. Not realising Bart was smugly watching them.
In the car.
"So when are we going to get to Sea World?" Bart asked. "I'm hungry!"
"I didn't say Sea World! I said Disney Land!" said Homer.
"Hold on! Why does Bart's voice sound deeper and nasally?" Lisa asked. Then she twigged after wiping off some makeup from his face covering heavy baggy eyelids. "Hugo?!"
"D'oh!" Homer yelled.
Hugo laughed.
At home.
Bart and Oscar were laughing.
"We've probably only got until they find out they've been duped." said Bart.
"That means we have to hurry and be prepared for our next plan. Your dad can be rather persistent remember?" Oscar explained.
"Yeah, yeah... way ahead of ya, Oz." said Bart.
...
The Commandant was not happy.
“Great guns of Rambo! Are you telling me two cadets went awol?!” yelled the drill sergeant to one of the junior sergeants.
“I’m afraid so sir, they didn’t turn up for the eliminator.” said one of the junior sergeants.
“Con-darn it! Find those cadets or I’ll tear this place apart like a box of snotty Kleenex!” yelled the Commandant.
“Eeeeew!” groaned the junior sergeant as he went off to find Bart and Oscar.
“And Sergeant.” The Commandant had one last request. “If you see that Spider-Man web slinging about. Shoot him...”
However Homer had given up trying to catch Bart and Oscar. They were paranoid about his next plan when there was none.
“I give up boys. I guess you’re here to stay.” Homer sighed defeated.
“We don’t believe you. We know this is a trick.” said Bart.
“No I’m serious! I give up! You might as well unpack.” said Homer.
“I don’t trust him. Keep your eyes peeled Oscar.” said Bart.
Oscar got out a potato peeler and brought it up to his eyes.
”Oz no! It’s a figure of speech! It means be on the look out!” Bart yelled.
At Rommel Military School a cadet was lifting via a makeshift pulley, his friend into a tree.
However the smaller boy in the tree via a pulley was scared because there were bees.
”Bees.... Bees...” He stammered because there was a beehive with bees flying about it in the tree.
”Bees?! Aaaaaaaagh!” The older boy screamed and ran off dropping his bunk mate.
”Oz Bart can’t abscond from military service.... even military school...” Lisa sighed.
”Sure he can! Now to break out Francis from Malcolm in the middle.” said Oscar.
Bart smirked. “I learnt nothing!!”
Lisa growled and stormed off.
Bart looked in his cupboard at some spare material he had for contemplating capes and masks for super hero personas. He picked blue.
”For today Bart J Simpson becomes... The Banshee boy!” said Bart becoming a super hero or super villain with sound wave powers.
...
At the Rommelwood Military school, The Commandant had the boys take part in a Vietnam re-enactment in a pretend jungle with fake trees from the local hardware store.
However the cadets screwed up and Johnny Depp was there for some reason so the Commandant sprawled on his knees and screamed like the sergeant on the cover of Platoon.
”Um okay...” Anderson the bully cadet winced exasperated.
The Commandant stressed and suffering a stomach ulcer took time off to be in Clear and Present Danger with Harrison Ford as CIA agents. They can work together to bring Bart in and back to military school!
”Oh shoot!” Bart winced.
...
Bart and Hugo decided to do a Prince and the Pauper thing. Swap lives.
"I've never read a book. I assume that story is about The Artist formally known as Prince..." said Bart.
"No it's about a prince swapping lives with a poor boy." said Hugo.
"Okay that could be fun... I think..." said Bart.
At dinner.
"Bart, please bring dinner up to your evil twin brother, Hugo." said Marge handing Bart a helping of dinner for Hugo.
"Mo-om! I'M the evil twin! He's the good one! Gawd! I never forget your thing!" Bart ranted being disrespectful.
"Once again I must explain Hibbert's theory is nonsense. There is no good twin. You're both wicked in different ways..." said Lisa.
"Also, why can't Dad do it?" Bart asked.
"That USED to be my job, but you had to go drag the secret into the light." Homer barked.
"Uh no. That was Oscar's doing." said Bart.
"Yes because what you was doing was a form of child abuse and neglect!" Oscar snapped at Homef.
"no arguments! Now feed your non evil brother who for some reason is lurking in the attic still despite that I'm forbidden from locking him up there, he's entitled by our social workers to eat with us. Unfortunately." said Homer.
"He probably has Stockholm syndrome. He's got used to being up there..." said Lisa.
Bart groaned and rolled his eyes as he headed upstairs to give Hugo his dinner.
In the attic.
"Hey Hugo, here's your grub." Bart gave Hugo his dinner.
Hugo murmured a thank you. "Would you like to join me? I don't mind sharing."
"Um... no thanks..." Bart didn't like being alone with Hugo still.
Hugo frowned at him.
"I know what you're playing at Bart! There's no point avoiding me! We will be reunited!" Hugo rasped picking up his needle and ball of thread.
Bart screamed and fled downstairs.
