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Later that day. Probably after school. Grampa was being nice to his grandchildren and giving them money. “Here’s some money Champ, go out buy some rock and roll records!” said Abe as he gave Bart money.
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“To the antique store!” said Bart going off to buy records since everything is on CD or Mypod now.
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“And what can I do for you sweetie?” Gramps asked Lisa, one for someone green? Vote for someone brown?” I’m sure someone will take offence to that Abe.
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Lisa took ahold of Gramps’s hand and guided him into the kitchen. “Dad! I know what you did!”
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Homer screamed. Someone was fighting with a door.
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“And I locked the door!”
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A chainsaw is roaring as it cuts through something.
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“Oz! Don’t help him escape! And don’t damage the house!” Lisa yelled.
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“Woohoo!” Homer cheered.
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Lisa sighed.
 
[[Category:Episodes with guest stars]]
 
[[Category:Episodes with guest stars]]
 
[[Category:Lisa Episodes]]
 
[[Category:Lisa Episodes]]

Revision as of 14:15, 1 September 2020

The Scorpion's Tale Lisa discovers some scorpions on a school outing with eyes dangling out of their sockets caused by a flower. A drug from this flower makes old people cheerful and no longer grouchy. But unfortunately a side effect causes eyeballs to lubricate and dangle out on their optic muscles.

Guest starring Werner Herzog.

Plot

The title gag is Santa’s little Helper riding his dog house like Snoopy.

The billboard gag is Springfield Mall: Free retail space with every purchase.

The chalkboard gag is “I am not here on a spitball scholarship.

The couch gag is the Simpsons as characters being picked in a couch gag video game.

The episode starts with a real coyote chasing a real roadrunner. Meep meep! They have goofy Latin names like Propertius Warnerbrosa etc.

“Meep Meep!” said the roadrunner as a car ran over the coyote. “Meep Meep!” It said again before being ran over by Otto’s bus he was driving and taking children from Springfield Elementary on a school trip. They stop and the children and Skinner get off.

“Whoooooaaa! It’s like that planet from Star Wars!” said Otto.

A Tusken Raider/Sand Man roared and shook his gaffe stick.

“Man it’s so hot out here I might have to give the sun a wedgie!” Nelson groaned because of the heat.

“I wet my arm pants!” said Ralph with wet armpits from sweating. Yeeeech!

“Yeeeeech!” said Kerne putting deodorant on via a roll on deodorant stick.

“Now pay attention children.” said Skinner. “We’re at Satan’s Anvil. No one knows exactly why it’s called that.” In the background is a giant stone sculpture of a devil or the devil holding a hammer about to strike an anvil he was working at. Coooool!

“Now remember children to keep hydrated and Aaaaagh! Rattle snake!” Skinner yelled because he heard a rattling sound.

Bart was hiding behind a rock playing with a baby’s rattle. He laughed deviously.

Chalmers laughed. “Skinner! You always fall for that!”

“Except once! Then a real rattle snake bit me!” said Skinner.

“And you took a sick day you weren’t supposed to have!” said Chalmers.

“I was gonna lose my foot!” said Skinner.

“Of which you have two!” said Chalmers. They went off somewhere.

Bart laughed and chuckled. Suddenly a baby toddled up to him and snatched his or her pink rattle from Bart that he had borrowed to prank Skinner and left with a “Hmmmmmph!”. Bart sighed a sad sigh as that was the end of his fun.

Elsewhere Martin is chasing a butterfly trying to catch it with a butterfly net. Probably to breed more butterflies in his butterfly tent.

He came across a hick and his wife living in the desert in a caravan.

“Greetings desert dwellers!” said Martin politely.

“Get out! The second we let one trespasser on our land-“ said the husband but a prairie dog appeared and sat next to Martin and squeaked. “For crying out loud! It’s like Grand Central Station around here here!”

“Now Delbert... he’s just a boy.” said the lady.

“Ohhh... at first it’s just a boy, but then come the prairie dogs and then them send their black helicopters!” said Delbert.

Scary government SWAT black helicopters arrive and SWAT agents with guns arrive pointing their guns at the hicks.

“Sir, you have won a National endowment for the arts grant for your rusted metal sculptures!” said a SWAT team guy.

“You’ll have to put that check in my cold dead hands!” Delbert yelled cocking his shotgun.

“Your proposal is acceptable.” said Edgar the alien cockroach.

Delbert shot and destroyed his sculptures.

The SWAT guys took back the endowment grant and left, never to return.

...

A park environmental guy explained to the mixture of second, third and fourth graders (Springfield Elementary assigns weird school field trips...) that he was in charge of protecting the park from invasive species.

“My job is the keep the park free of invasive species.” said the park environmental protection guy. “Except for rock climbers...” he sighed as a rock climber climbed on him. “Sir get you foot out of my mouth. It’s not a foothold...”

“But if I reach your summit I would have climbed rangers in seven continents.” said the rock climber.

“Fine...”

The rock climber was showing off and posing for the cameras his friends were taking pictures with.

“Ow! I sprained my ankle! Hurry I’m gonna die up here!” said the climber somehow spraining his ankle.

“Hold on I’m coming up...” said the park ranger climbing himself, somehow.

“Well hurry! It’s getting dark!” said the rock climber.

The park ranger ties himself in knots trying to climb himself.

Meanwhile Bart, Milhouse and Nelson found a boarded up mineshaft.

Bart and Nelson pulled off the planks.

“What do you think is in there?” Milhouse asked.

“Gold?” Bart asked.

“A dead body?” Nelson suggested.

“A secret laboratory of mutant super chickens!” said Oscar being stupid.

“Oz just because we’re on a field trip in the desert, with a creepy abandoned mineshaft doesn’t mean you can reference Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy...” Bart sighed.

“Hey look Grim, those kids found an abandoned mineshaft too!” said Billy.

Bart sweat dropped.

Bart crawled into the mineshaft. It was not long before Milhouse and Nelson to hear an interested gasp of joy from him.

“Did you find gold?” Milhouse asked as Bart crawled out.

“Better. The prospectors left naughty French post cards! Prrrrrrr!” Bart was looking at erotic French post cards. “Whoa Mama!”

“Bart, this is fool’s porn.” Nelson explained. “I’ll just take it off your hands.” Nelson took the naughty French postcards and went behind a cactus.

“C’est si bon! Si Bon! Si Bon!” said Nelson (It’s so good! So good! So good!) while throwing the postcards about. “And... remorse...”

“Nelson... I’m half French. I can understand what you were saying...” Bart said frowning. He gathered up the naughty French postcards.

A bird squawking. (Yeah that’s the transcript for sound effects directions.)

“Oh my god! Mutant super chickens!” Oscar gasped.

“No Oz! That sound effect was in Lisa’s scene!” said Bart. “Excuse me folks.” He said to the fourth wall as he pulled on the edge of the screen to transition to Lisa’s scene.

...

Lisa was walking about the desert through a sparse cluster of cacti, including Marge cacti from The Marge who Slept too Little. Her arrival to the scene was heralded by an eagle squawking as it carried off Hans Moleman. Hehehe! Poor Moleman...

“Oh dear...” said Hans Moleman.

“While beautiful, the desert is full of dangers such as dehydration, cacti, poisonous snakes...” said Lisa.

“Venomous snakes.” Hugo corrected her while adjusting his fame glasses with no lenses.

“Yes I know! Venomous!” Lisa snapped.

“Well I hope you do! There’s a big difference between a poisonous animal and a venomous one.” said Hugo. “This bush with tiny berries? Poisonous. But it can’t bite me. That rattle snake over there? Venomous, but you can fry them up nicely and eat them. Mmmmm, snake meat...”

“Will you stop being an obnoxious knowitall! That’s my job! I don’t like it when it’s turned on me!” Lisa ranted. She sighed. “Where was I... Ah yes, the desert holds numerous dangers. Dehydration, cacti, Venomous snakes and... Whaaaaaa! Oof!” Lisa fell into a small pit. She gasped when she saw...”Scorpions!!” Yes scorpions. Two black scorpions scuttled up to her. She whimpered and backed away from them as they approached menacingly with their tails curled.

However as Lisa pulled herself backwards into a cluster of silver tongue flowers the scorpions calmed down and went to sleep.

“Huh? They calmed down when they went near these silver tongues?” said Lisa. She got a stick and out the scorpions on it. When she lifted it away from the silver tongues the scorpions suddenly became aggressive and started fighting each other.

“Now they’re aggressive! Hmmmm! I’m sure there’s a correlation, but is there a causation?” said Lisa. Dun dun dun!

“These flowers saved me from a terrible fate, not getting an A on my science project!” said Lisa putting the scorpions in a Tupperware container with a Springfield Silver Tongue flower.

“Or from getting stung by scorpions...” said Hugo.

“Shut up Hugo!” Lisa snapped.

“Lisa, Hugo, we have to go. Milhouse found a hippy skeleton and now he’s freaking out...” said Skinner.

“Never get off the bus... Never get off the bus...!” said Milhouse holding a skeletal arm of a long dead hippy permanently frozen in a v sign.

Skinner sighed.

All the kids sighed and got back on the bus to go back home.

...

The bus was taking everyone back through town.

“Hey look! Something pathetic is going on!” said Otto. They had stopped outside the old people’s home. Abe Simpson was being kicked out.

“Hey! You can’t kick me out! I have a right to die here! That was the terms and conditions!” Abe ranted.

“Sorry Abe but you are just too grouchy.” said Kevin Michael Richardson as the Green Mile Guy as a retirement home nurse.

“I have a right to grouchy and cranky! The food stinks and the TV only has one channel!” said Abe.

“That was the fish tank!” said Kevin Michael Richardson.

“You’re a fish tank!” Abe replied amongst his bags and things.

Kevin Michael Richardson cried. You big meany! You made Gantu cry! “(Crying and sobbing) I wish I was a fish tank! Then I could filter out his nasty words...)”

“Just go Abe...” said the other nurse comforting Kevin Michael Richardson.

“That doesn’t seem fair! They won’t let him escape but they’ll kick him out for being cantankerous...” said Lisa. “Where will he go?”

“Either a graveyard or somewhere much worse...” said Bart.

...

At home Bart and Lisa were explaining what the saw to Marge.

“And now Grampa’s homeless. And probably still stood outside the retirement home with his things...” said Lisa.

“Hmmmmmm...” Marge sighed.

“Ugh... Fine... I’ll go and get him...” Homer sighed going off to get his dad.

It was not long before Grampa arrived and caused trouble with his whinging and griping. It all started at dinner.

“Bleh! Sour cream and Chives?! In my day the only things you put on mashed potatoes were pine needles and barbershop hair from the floor! I hate this century!” said Grampa ranting.

“Now listen up. We’re all gonna take turns having Grampa as a roommate.” said Homer.

“Finally... no more lumping him off on me...” said Bart.

“Quiet boy!” Homer snapped. “Now who wants to go first?”

No one volunteered.

“Oh! Oh! I do! I do! I want him every night, forever and ever! Because I love my-“ said Homer holding up Maggie’s hand and talking in a demented high pitched voice like Itchy’s or Portuguese Squidward. However Maggie quickly clipped her hair clip over his mouth.

“Homer, never ever do that voice ever again...” said Oscar.

...

There was a Abe Batman transition for each night.

First up Abe was with Bart.

“Nose in a funny book. How rude! Haven’t you heard of polite conversation?!” Abe ranted as his grandson Bart was reading a comic.

“Fine... how was your day...” said Bart.

“Terrible! My new roommate won’t stop yakking!” said Gramps.

Then the next night was Lisa’s turn. She was doing some late night experiments and looking at her microscope.

“Here’s an experiment for ya! Find a boy who wants to marry a poindexter!” Abe ranted. Lisa rolled her eyes annoyed.

Plot 2

And in my unabridged version the bad nights for one unlucky Simpson continue!

“Here’s an experiment for ya! Find a girl who wants to marry a poindexter!” Abe ranted at Hugo while he was mixing chemicals as Abe lied in a camp bed. Hugo rolled his eyes and tried to ignore his Grampa. “And how can you live up here?! It’s dark, it’s cold and I got a splinter!”

The next night. Maggie and Eric’s room.

“How comes they get a warm bottle of milk and I don’t?” Abe whined as Marge put Maggie and Eric to bed for the night.

The next night. The master bedroom.

“You call that making love?!” Abe ranted as Marge and Homer had sex...

“Ooooooh! Homie I told you he wouldn’t sleep through it...” Marge sighed.

“In my day, women didn’t make a sound!” said Abe.

...

The next day Lisa was in her room experimenting on her new pet scorpions in their vivarium. “And some silver tongue...”

The scorpions which were fighting suddenly went placid and laid down and stroked each other with their pincers. Hehehe! Cute!

Homer came in to see his daughter for some reason.

“Dad! My experiment works! This silver tongue essence makes the angry scorpions docile!” said Lisa.

“That’s great sweetie! If you were a boy you could be a scientist!” said Homer being sexist as he tousled her hair.

“Ha! Zing!” said Hugo snapping his fingers in a sassy manner as he wore his glasses and lab coat.

Suddenly from the garden Abe yelled. “Back of you mangy mutt or I’ll make dog head soup out of you!” Gramps yelled at the dog.

“Mmmmmm! Korean food...” said Oscar.

Homer had an idea. Maybe Lisa’s experiment could cheer up Grampa.

“If it works on nasty scorpions, then it might work on... nasty stains!” He sprayed some silver tongue essence on a stain on his white shirt. It vanished.

“It works!” Lisa gasped.

“And I know something else it could be good for...” said Homer with a devious look.

...

The next morning Bart and Lisa were having pancakes and syrup and bacon. They were eating in a hurry.

“Kids why are you in such a hurry?” Homer asked as Lisa tossed bacon into Bart’s mouth.

“We have to hurry and get going before Grampa wakes up!” said Lisa.

Grampa woke up and moaned and muttered.

Everyone was horrified.

“Mom lunches!” said Bart.

“Here you go! Go! Save yourselves!” said Marge tossing their lunches to them. Bart and Lisa rushed off only to find Grampa dressed and ready to go out with the dog as if he was taking him for a walk.

Everyone gasped waiting for more whinging and griping from Grampa.

“Oh good morning everyone! It’s such a beautiful day today I thought I’d take my little friend here for a walk!” said Grampa being nice and friendly for once.

“And so am I. Say hello to my little friend!” said Oscar quoting Scarface as he held a machine gun.

“Oz stop quoting Scarface...” Bart sighed.

“Abe are you feeling alright?” Marge asked.

“Never better! The sun is shining, there’s a spring in my slipper and my wonderful son made me a delicious cup of coffee this morning...” said Abe.

Marge was suspicious. “Hmmmmm! Homer is there something in your father’s coffee...”

“Yeah Dad... what did you put in Grampa’s coffee...” Lisa asked staring at Dad suspiciously.

“You look tense... Let’s discuss this all over a cup of Grampa’s coffee...” said Homer. He poured himself some and drank the concoction. He trembled and shivered before grinning a really creepy grin and making a disturbing sound of joy.

...

Later that day. Probably after school. Grampa was being nice to his grandchildren and giving them money. “Here’s some money Champ, go out buy some rock and roll records!” said Abe as he gave Bart money.

“To the antique store!” said Bart going off to buy records since everything is on CD or Mypod now.

“And what can I do for you sweetie?” Gramps asked Lisa, one for someone green? Vote for someone brown?” I’m sure someone will take offence to that Abe.

Lisa took ahold of Gramps’s hand and guided him into the kitchen. “Dad! I know what you did!”

Homer screamed. Someone was fighting with a door.

“And I locked the door!”

A chainsaw is roaring as it cuts through something.

“Oz! Don’t help him escape! And don’t damage the house!” Lisa yelled.

“Woohoo!” Homer cheered.

Lisa sighed.