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The Regina Monologues The Simpsons go to England after Bart finds a one thousand dollar note. Then Homer gets in trouble for crashing into the Queen's carriage and suffers the wrath of Henrietta R Hippo.

Plot[]

Mr Burns is going out for the day with Mr Smithers. He sees a peanut kiosk. "Ooooh! Peanuts! Smithers fund me!"

"Um sir I've funded you a thousand dollars this month. Maybe you should carry your own money." said Smithers.

"Money's for- Oh! An ATM machine!" said Mr Burns. He tried to put his card in but couldn't because he's so weak. "Smithers carry me."

"With pleasure sir." said Smithers. He picked up Mr Burns and guided his hand so he could put his card in.

"Smithers what's my number?" Mr Burns needs to know his PIN number.

"Your age sir." said Smithers.

"Excellent." Mr Burns put in his PIN. "Now what's the smallest amount of money I can take out... Oh I know a thousand!"

A thousand dollar note flew out and knocked him over. Then the note flew away.

"Smithers! My money! After it!" said MR Burns.

"I can't sir." said Smithers.

"Pishposh! Why not?!" said Mr Burns.

"Because there's a bee in my eye sir." said Smithers.

"And?" said Mr Burns.

"I'm allergic. If I get stung I could die!" said Smithers.

The bank note meanwhile flew about town with cute music playing as it fluttered about. It headed for the Simpsons house.

...

Bart and Milhouse were playing a violent video game called Hockey Dad. Bart is winning.

"No Dad! It's only assault! Don't make it murder!" said a character in the game.

"Oh geez! Ignore! Ignore!" Bart taps a button on his controller. His character inflicts a fatality on Milhouse's character.

"You win! You're a big man! A big man!" said the game as Bart won.

Suddenly a bank note flew into the house and landed in Milhouse,s hair. Bart gasped when he saw how much it was worth.

"What? What is it?" Milhouse asked.

"Uh... there's a bug in your hair." Bart lied.

"Ah! Get it out! Get it out!" Milhouse yelled.

Bart took the dollar and hid it. "There, it's gone." said Bart.

"Thanks Bart! You're a true friend." said Milhouse.

...

Bart showed his family.

"Think of the furniture we could buy!" said Homer.

"No way man! It's my money! I found it!" said Bart.

"Which means somebody dropped it. You'll have to put up flyers, see if anyone claims it." said Marge.

Bart and Homer groaned.

"See this why no one tells you these things Marge..." said Homer.

Bart and Homer were up a telegraph pole nailing a flyer to it.

"Well we put up a flyer! Hehehehe!" said Homer.

Otto and Sideshow Mel turned up.

"A flyer! But what does it say?!" Otto asked.

"It could be for guitar lessons! But we shall never know!" said Sideshow Mel.

Bart and Homer laughed.

Then indoors they had a line of people claiming the one thousand pound note. First up was Moe.

"Tell us about who's on the dollar note." said Bart.

"Well Um geez this is a hard one... We'll they'll have to be famous so... I'd say... Adolf Hitler." said Moe.

"Next..." said Bart.

He had a very cross Milhouse to deal with.

"You didn't tell me you found a thousand dollars!" yelled Milhouse.

"Because every time we find money you want to spend it in the laundrette!" said Bart unamused.

"You've found money before and not told me?!" Marge asked.

"Uh it was only twenty dollars and it was when Dad coincidentally lost twenty dollars tripping over a peanut." said Bart.

"D'oh! That was my money!" Homer yelled.

Finally the last person in the queue was Snake Jailbird.

"Does it have bank teller blood on it?" Snake asked.

"No." said Lisa.

"Oh my bad. Sorry for bothering you." said Snake.

"Well you did the right thing Bart, so now you can keep it." said Marge,

....

"Wait looks like we have one one more person." said Lisa.

"Ah hoy hoy!" It was Mr Burns. The Simpsons frowned as they were still extremely mad at him for exiling Grandma Mona.

"I believe you have something of mine!" said Mr Burns. "My thousand dollar note."

"Prove it." said Bart.

"Absolutely. You see when the dollar knocked me off my feet it also left an ink print on my chest! Like so." He opened his shirt to show the imprint of the note.

"Eeeeeeew!" said the Simpsons.

"A mirror image you might say." said Mr Burns.

"His right! It matches!" says Bart. However before he can hand it over Oscar takes it.

"Hold on. Bart let me teach you two little words, black and mail." said Oscar slyly.

"You want to blackmail Mr Burns?!" Bart asked loudly.

"Watch and learn." said Oscar. "Mr Burns you can have your thousand dollars back if and only if you let Mona Simpson come back to Springfield and you leave her and the Simpsons alone. For good." he explained keeping the money safe and out of reach. "Or no money."

Mr Burns was furious. "Why you! Give me that money now!" Mr Burns demanded pointing a gun at Oscar's head.

"No. If you shoot me you'll go to jail. And I can't reach for anything to defend myself right now and I don't want to because I have the moral high ground." said Oscar.

"Not really Oscar, you're refusing to give back his-" Lisa explained.

"Quiet Lisa." Bart hushed her.

Oscar still had a gun pointed to his head. "Well? And don't think you can bribe your way out of murdering someone." said Oscar.

"Grrrrrr! Fine! You win this round wretched little urchin!" Mr Burns put away his gun. Because in Oscar's pupils he could see Maggie pointing a sniper rifle at him.

"Then it's a deal. Here's your one thousand dollars back Mr Burns." said Oscar smugly handing back his money.

"Smithers arrange a business class trip for Mona Simpson to Springfield." said Mr Burns.

"But Sir?" said Smithers.

"Smithers I have a baby pointing a rifle at me! Do it now!" said Mr Burns.

"Yes Sir." said Smithers.

"These Fools will pay dearly at the hands of the Republican Party..." Mr Burns said under his breath as he left.

Once he was gone the Simpsons celebrated.

"Yay! Grandma's coming home!" The Simpsons cheered.

"Well Oscar, I can't say I approve of what you did but at least you didn't resort to pointing guns at people." said Lisa.

"Well he paid in the end. That's all that matters." said Oscar.

...

The next day they waited at the train station for Mona. She arrived to a cheerful celebration and they hugged her.

"Oh I can't tell you how much I missed you!" said Mona.

"We missed you too grandma!" said Bart, Lisa and Hugo. Maggie sucked her dummy.

"Oh don't leave me ever again Mom!" Homer cried.

"Oh Homer!" Mona hugged her son.

They then went home to seven forty two Evergreen Terrace. To live happily ever after.

Until another thousand dollar note flew into the lounge and rested on the couch.

"What shall we do now Mom? Hope someone asks for it?" Bart asked.

"No. Let's go on holiday with it!" said Marge.

They thought of what to spend the money on as they didn't know where to go. They were in the kitchen eating bowls of ice cream.

Bart imagined he was living in a bubble house on the moon with aliens having a party with silly music playing.

"Bart's moon party in outer space! With R2D2 playing the Bass!" sung some singers somewhere. Bart in his own imagination was wearing a Hawaiian shirt dancing with aliens in his moon house and R2D2 playing the bass. Then the dream ended.

"No one's trying the hors d'oeuvres!" Bart groaned.

"Bart's moon party in doo doo!" Homer sung.

Bart looked concerned.

"What? Were you dreaming about having a moon party in outer space too?" Homer asked.

Suddenly Grampa came in.

"I wanna go to England." Grampa whined.

"Why Grampa?" Lisa asked.

"Because I met the most beautiful girl there!" said Grampa having a flashback.

"Abe!" Mona yelled cross with him.

"Aw! Teh! Mona it was in 1942 and I hadn't even met you yet!" Abe replied. The flashback continued.

"Honey I can't stay with you, I'm being shipped out in the morning!" said young Abe.

"Then let's make this night last!" said a British woman. Off screen they had sex. Yeeeuck!

"Little did I know I really was being shipped out in the morning!" said Abe. Young Abe was on a war vessel being taken to France or somewhere. "I'll never forget you Eudora!" said Young Abe.

The Flashback ended.

"Ooooh! But I did! Until just now!" said Abe.

"Oh that's so romantic Grampa!" said Lisa.

"I didn't think so! You never felt like that about me!" said Mona.

Abe jabbered. "Of course I do! And now your a free woman how about we try again sweetie? For our son?" said Abe.

"Ooooh... Oh well! For Homer!" said Mona.

"Then it's settled! The Simpsons are going to England!" said Marge.

I agree! I can’t wait to go home to dear sweet Blighty!” Oscar cheered.

”Limey...’ Bart groaned.

”Yank...” Oscar retorted.

"Awww! But I wanna go to Brazil again... even though the monkey problem is worse than ever from what I've heard!" said Homer.

The Simpsons sighed.

"And one other thing. Your dad has to be on his best behaviour this time! I still remember our anniversary holiday..." Marge looked at an embarrassing picture of Homer tied to a wrecking ball.

"Now why did you have to have that blown up and put on display!?" Homer whined.

"Homer please..." Marge sighed.

"Don't worry, I'll be on my best behaviour. You have my word as a man and as a woman. Now which rifle should I take,.." said Homer as he looked at gun cabinet full of guns.

"Cool gun collection!" Oscar cooed overjoyed by the sight of guns.

Later.

Bart rang up England to prank call it.

”I wouldn’t Bart. And not because you’re offending me. You’re not.” said Oscar.

”Why not then?” Bart asked.

”Because of time zones. It’s probably four am or something over in Blighty.” said Oscar.

Bart decided to ring England.

”(cursing) Do you have any idea what time it is right now?! It’s 2 o’clock in the morning!” An angry British accent yelled. “What do you want?!”

”Hey England, this is America with just one thing to say. Chicken butt! Hehehehe!” Bart laughed and put the phone down.

Plot 2[]

The Simpsons flew to England! At the airport they met Tony Blair. He welcomed them to England as its prime minister then he flew off on a jet pack with James Bond music playing.

"I can't believe we met Mr Bean!" said Homer.

The Simpsons rolled their eyes at his stupidity.

They went outside where there were Mary Poppinses flying about on umbrellas! And blue police telephone boxes flying about and spinning. There was one sitting on the street corner.

"Oh my god! The TARDIS!" said Oscar running up to it.

"Oscar I think that's just a police telephone box..." said Lisa.

The box had a sign saying. "Not the TARDIS. No tourists! Go away!"

Oscar sighed and they went to do some sight seeing.

They got a taxi.

"The taxis are so refined here! They have their own butler!" said Marge.

"Actually I'm not a butler. I ordered this taxi first then you all got in." said the British gentleman.

"Make with the tea Jeeves..." said Homer.

"Yes quite so Sir." said the gentleman pouring them some tea.

”Are you gonna do that to everyone here...” Oscar frowned.

Then they stopped at their hotel to get leaflets.

"We came from the best country in the world! The United States! We saved your ass in World War Two! So make with the leaflets and none of that dry British wit!" said Homer.

"Wouldn't dream of it Sir." said the man at the hotel desk. He gave them leaflets.

They checked out their room while Grampa made a call trying to find his girlfriend from the war.

"Let's go sightseeing! You coming Mom?" Homer asked.

"Oh I think I'll just stay here with your dad Homer." said Mona.

"Suit yourself." said Homer. He went but came in to say something. "And keep him away from the minibar!"

"Oh..." Abe sighed.

...

The Simpsons having left Abe and Mona in the hotel went sight seeing. First they saw JK Rowling, the author of Harry Potter, leaving a bookstore.

"Wow! JK Rowling! You've turned an entire generation of children onto reading!" said Lisa.

"I just love helping you muggles." said JK Rowling.

"Can you tell me how the series ends?" Lisa asked.

"Harry grows up and marries you! Is that what you wanted to hear?!" JK Rowling got annoyed with Lisa.

Lisa sighed happily. "Yes! Oooooh!"

Then they took a tour bus across London.

"And for anyone who's hungry we're stopping near a Judi Dench's Fish and Chips!" said the driver.

They pulled up at a Judi Dench themed fish and chip restaurant with Judi Dench's face as speakers.

"Judi Dench's Fish and Chips! Now free of mad fish disease!" said British Squeaky Voiced Teen.

"Hmmmmm, Fish... I don't know, I'm not really a vegetarian..." said Homer.

"Please order something sir! Ms Dench will beat us! She will!" The squeaky voiced teen begged.

"Who are you talking to?!" yelled Judi Dench. She could be heard over the speakers.

"No one Ma'am! Honest!" said the squeaky voiced teen.

"I'll ma'am you!" said Judi Dench.

She could be heard battering and violently hitting someone as the Squeaky Voiced Teen cried out. "Ow! Ah! Cor blimey! Aghhhh!"

The Simpsons winced at hearing the till worker being beaten and battered.

Then they split up to meet back later. Marge and Homer went to a Harrod's clothes store where Homer tried on hats.

"See? I'm on my best behaviour!" said Homer.

"You punched three men outside a pub!" Marge explained annoyed with him.

"I was angry because of Giggs getting a yellow card in the box! I am getting the hang of this soccer thing right?" said Homer.

Marge sighed.

Meanwhile the kids. That's Bart, Lisa, Hugo and Oscar were at a sweet store called Candy.

"Now British candy is a touch sweeter than what you Americans are used to." said the shopkeeper.

Oscar was waiting for Bart to be served and had various sweets in his shorts pockets such as chocolate bars and candy canes.

"Well, duh! I know that Wooster! I'm your regular customer..." said Oscar.

"Less yapping and fork over the brown." said Bart taking two sweets/candies wrapped in a cloth. He ate one and Lisa ate one. Suddenly they got very hyper on sugar.

...

They then wrecked the sweet shop to eat all the candy including eating a gingerbread sculpture of a cathedral.

Then they ran about town like lunatics and bought fancy clothes.

Their sugar rush ended with them lying in the streets and Homer being able to see them despite their new clothes from the London Eye. He ejected the pod he was in with Marge and it turned into a boat while James Bond music played.

Bart and Lisa still very hyper on candy were being admonished by two posh gentlemen.

"Such uncouthness Lord DaftWager." said a gentleman.

"Yes but I bet I could teach them to be high class. Let's say we make a bet. Five pounds?" said Lord DaftWager.

"Why of course Lord DaftWager you old bean!" said the other gentlemen.

"Hey! My kids are not to be betted on!" Homer yelled as he collected Bart and Lisa.

"Oh there's more money to be made and lost elsewhere." said Lord DaftWager.

"Oh I love you Lord Daftwager." said his companion.

"And I love you!" said Lord Daftwager as they embraced and started snogging passionately.

"Yeeeeuck! Get a room!" Oscar groaned as he ran passed.

...

The Simpsons were all reunited and Bart and Lisa miraculously changed into their usual clothes.

"I can't believe you two spent all our spending money on clothes?!" Homer was cross with Bart and Lisa.

"We were really hyper on sugar, even I don't remember what we were doing!" said Bart.

"Well luckily I recorded the aftermath for my film, the baby exorcism starring Maggie Simpson." said Oscar.

"Nyaaaaagh!" Bart yelped seeing Maggie rotate her head 360 degrees rapidly. While they were lying high on sugar on the sweet shop floor Maggie was possessed by demons and rotated her head 360 degrees and crawled up the wall and across the cealing.

The Simpsons then arrived in a theatrical district where many plays were on.

"Ooooh! Look at all these plays being put on!" said Marge. There was Othello, Cherry orchard...

They went to watch Cherry Orchard.

"I'm sorry but, I have no cherry Orchard." said the actor.

The Simpsons then met Ian McKellan dressed as a Scottish man leaving a theatre that was showing Macbeth.

"Wow! Ian McKellan! I loved you in all the plays you've done!" said Lisa.

"And Lord of the Rings!" said Oscar.

"Thank you children. Here's some tickets to the play I'm in." said Ian McKellan.

"What play?" Homer asked.

"We thespians believe it is bad luck to mention the name of this particular play." said Ian McKellan.

"What? Macbeth?" said Homer.

A car splashed water over Ian McKellan.

"You blundering fool! You'll curse us all!" said Ian.

"What? By saying Macbeth?" Homer asked.

An anvil dropped on Ian McKellan's foot.

"Ow! Stop saying that!" Ian yelled.

"Saying what?" Homer asked.

"Macbeth! Oh dear! Now I've said it!" Lightning struck Ian McKellan electrocuting him.

"Cooooool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!" Bart yelled causing Ian to get zapped.

"Bart stop saying Macbeth!" Marge told Bart off. Ian got zapped.

"Mom! You said Macbeth!" Lisa explained. Ian McKellan got zapped.

"Sorry Mr Macbeth!" said Homer. Ian got zapped once more.

"It's alright you didn't know." said Ian McKellan.

Oscar giggled. "I haven't had this much fun since when my friend Billy kept saying Lord Moldybutt!"

Something broke and fell on Ian McKellen.

"I must go now." said Ian going inside the theatre.

"Good luck!" said Bart.

"It's bad luck to say that as well!" said Ian McKellan.

A sign fell on Ian McKellan crushing him. The Simpsons winced and shuffled away.

...

The Simpsons hired a car because they couldn't take their cars abroad.

"Homer I'm impressed! You're driving on the correct side of the road for England!" said Marge.

They stopped on a street with British houses.

”Why have we stopped here?” Marge asked.

”I live here. That’s my house. The one with lawn gnomes and a small pond.” said Oscar.

They got out to have a look. Homer shivering in disgust when Oscar mentioned lawn gnomes.

They arrived at the quaint British house. There were garden gnomes fishing from the pond.

”Aaaaaaaaaagh! Gnomes! It’s so tacky and British!” Homer screamed.

”Hey! Knock it off!” Oscar snapped.

”Uh where’s the mail box?” Bart asked.

”Mail goes in through the letterbox on my front door. Post theft and identity fraud is a problem in Blighty...” said Oscar reading his bills.

The Simpsons shrugged.

They had tea.

”Master Tamaki. It has come to my good attention that your humble abode smells of monkey faeces...” said Homer drinking tea.

”Right that’s it!! Get out! GET OUT!!” Oscar snapped.

They resumed driving with a very mad Oscar offended by Homer insulting his house.

However. "Dad! You're driving into a roundabout!" said Lisa.

"A magic roundabout!" Oscar added being silly.

"Oscar no!" Bart whined.

They spun about in the roundabout while Marge insisted they keep turning.

"I see an opening!" said Homer.

"No no no! It's too risky! We'll just wait until the traffic dies down!" said Marge.

However several hours later it didn't.

"Keep turning. Keep turning..." Marge sighed.

"That's it! I'm leaving this stupid roundabout!" said Homer he drove out of it.

The Simpsons screamed.

Homer drove at the gates of Buckingham palace. The Simpsons screamed as he went through them.

Then he rear ended a golden horse carriage.

"Uh oh!" said Oscar.

...

"Don't worry, I'll take details..." said Homer getting out of the car.

There were angry royal guards glaring at Homer.

"Hmmmm, that can be fixed, that put a sticker over it... (He sees a carriage wheel on fire) that's supposed to be on fire..." said Homer examining the royal carriage.

The Queen of England crawled out of the overturned carriage and glared at Homer.

"Lady please get back into the car." said Homer to the Queen.

"We'll handle this ruffian your majesty!" said a royal guard getting out his truncheon.

"Your majesty?! Ooooooh! (Homer makes a whip sound effect)" said Homer making a whip sound.

"Dad! You just rear ended the Queen of England!" Lisa was horrified he was insulting the Queen.

"The what?!" Homer gasped before being tackled by royal guards and beaten with truncheons. He yelped and cried as he was being pummelled.

Plot 3[]

Homer was put on trial.

"Homer Simpson you stand accused of damaging the royal carriage and hitting one of the royal horses! How do you plead?" said the judge.

"Now we Americans love queens, be they dancing, drama or dairy..." said Homer. "But this woman is an imposter!"

Everyone gasped.

"This is her luggage. Inscribed are the letters H R H! Which means her real name is Henrietta R Hippo." said Homer.

The Simpsons were embarrassed.

"Henrietta R Hippo! Hehehehe!" Oscar giggled.

"Mom, how could you let him be his own barrister?" Lisa cried.

"It wouldn't have made any difference! He hit the frigging Queen!" said Marge. "I suppose it's too much to ask for a holiday where we don't end up in jail or captured by giant monsters..."

"Your honor, I've upset and embarrassed my wife. Surely that's punishment enough. You must understand being a grandmother?" said Homer.

"I am a man!" yelled the judge taking off his wig.

"And a manly man!" said Homer chuckling nervously.

"If I may say a word." said the Queen.

Everyone gasped.

"Why certainly ma'am!" said the judge.

"I have witnessed my country torn apart by war, my family squabble, and now, whilst returning from the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this oafish buffoon!" said The Queen. "If you all have any love for me still then destroy him!"

Homer screamed.

...

Homer was sentenced to death and to be incarcerated in the Tower of London.

A beefeater was showing tourists around.

"And here is the foulest blackard to ever be locked up here since Edward the puppy eater!" said the Beefeater.

"He claimed he was me father he did!" said Bart in a silly British accent while dressed as a Victorian orphan. Oscar was glaring at him.

"Bart! Stop that!" said Marge telling him off.

"Poke the monster with a stick! A tuppence a jab! Come on fellas!" said Bart continuing his silly accent. Oscar suddenly lunged at him and strangled him.

"Stop making fun of my country!" Oscar yelled.

"Well don't make fun of mine! Either of them!" Bart struggled to reply while gasping for air and choking.

...

Homer was in jail that night lamenting his imprisonment. Suddenly his family went to see him.

"Pssst! Dad!" said Bart.

"Huh?" Homer went to the bars to talk to them.

"We've found a secret escape route! It was used by sir Walter Raleigh!" said Lisa.

"Escape?! I don't know. Wouldn't that get me in more trouble?" Homer asked.

"Homer you couldn't be in more trouble! They're going to put your head on a pike!" said Marge.

Some guards were practicing with watermelons.

"Just smash it on! Let the pike do all the work!" said a guard to another.

"Okay. Where's the entrance?" Homer asked.

"Push the back of the fire place." said Lisa.

"Easy as pie!" said Homer. There was a sizzling sound of something burning and Homer screaming. Bart smirked.

"Put out the fire first..." Lisa sighed.

Homer did so and opened the secret tunnel. "Well time to leave before I go mad with isolation! Bye sparkly elves!"

"Goodbye Homer!" said the rice crispies elves. (Laughs hysterically)

"Oh no! This passage comes out at the worst possible place!" Lisa lamented reading the map.

"An elephant's butt?" Bart asked.

"Yes Bart... An Elephant's butt..." Lisa sighed at his stupidity.

...

Homer went through a tunnel until he came out at a very posh bedroom.

"Wow! This place is fit for a king!" said Homer.

However it was the Queen's bedroom! Homer saw something shocking about her. She was actually a lizard person!

The lizard Queen Elizabeth sounded the alarm.

"The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle!" said a guard.

The guards quickly appeared and arrested Homer.

"No wait your majesty! I will keep your freakish reptilian secret a secret! Just let me go!" Homer begged.

Queen Elizabeth pondered this and spoke with a hissing lizard voice. "And the secret of my name too."

"Your what now?" said Homer.

"(Irritated huff) You know... My name really is Henrietta R Hippo! I just tricked these apes into thinking I'm their Queen." said Henrietta R Hippo.

Homer laughed. "I just made that up! Henrietta R Hippo! That's a classic!"

Henrietta was cross with him.

"Okay I'll keep all your devasting secrets a sectret! No one will ever know! Ever! Cross my heart and hope to die!" said Homer. "And I'll even take Madonna back to the States!"

"Excellent!" said Henrietta R Hippo. "I didn't think he'd agree to that without me asking!" She was joyfully surprised he'd agree to get rid of Madonna for her.

...

Homer was reunited at the airport with his family.

"It was so nice of the Queen to let you go and give us free tickets back home! And all you had to do was agree to take Madonna back with us!" said Marge.

"I keep telling you I'm English!" Madonna whined who was at that moment wrapped up in a carpet for some reason.

"English women don't pump gas naked." said Marge.

"Or star in slutty music videos." said Oscar.

Homer threw Madonna in the carpet onto the luggage belt. "See you in Atlanta, bitch!"

Suddenly Grampa arrived with a woman.

"Good news everyone! I found Eudora!" said Grampa with a British woman. She was his girlfriend during the war.

"And Homer, you have a sister!" said Eudora. "This is my darling daughter!"

A lady who just looked like Homer appeared.

"Wow! You look fantastic! You make Dame Edna look like a dude!" said Homer to his new Sister Abby.

"Oh you! Such a charming man!" said Abby.

"Well the Queen really saved my bacon back there." said Homer.

"Mmmmmm! Bacon!" said Abby groaning and gurgling like Homer would with food,

"Abby, I think we're going to get along alright..." said Homer.

The end!

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