The Prism of Jazzcablam Bart and Lisa’s Harry Potter Adventures continue. Harry in anger blows up Marge. A dangerous enemy of Bart’s escapes Azkaban. And a werewolf is the defence against dark arts teacher. But this werewolf moonlights as cartoonish fairytale villain wolf!

Plot[edit | edit source]

The chalkboard gag is “Voldemort is not in this book, for some reason.”

The story starts with the Simpsons getting dressed up nicely for a guest.

“Now Bart this May annoy you but Oscar has insisted I am Harry Potter’s mean Aunt Marge so he’s now your cousin somehow...”

“Ugh! Oz! Wrong Aunt Marge! His aunt Marge is Pam Ferris, Ms Trunchbull...” Bart whined.

Oscar ignored him while humming to a song he was listening to on his Walkman.

Hugo growled and scratched himself like a dog.

“Be on your best behaviour everyone!” Marge said particularly to Bart and Homer.

“Yes mom...” said Bart.

“Yes dear...” said Homer.

Meanwhile Vernon harshly warned Harry not to do any magic weird stuff or it will be no dinner for a week.

The Simpson house door bell rang. “Oh!” Marge answered the door.

Vernon because of Oscar’s silliness greater Marge warmly as a family member even though she wasn’t Pam Ferris Aunt Marge.

“I would have turned up to Dudley’s birthday but I was very poorly from a funny whelk.” said Marge.

Cue Harry Potter and the Philospher’s Stone movie.

“Oooooooh! Marge is ill! From a funny whelk!” said Vernon.

Oscar disliked the Dursley’s because they were cruel to Harry but held his tongue until his friend could get away from them.

“Well? Go on boy... stop gawking!” said Vernon sharply to Harry.

Dudley wanted to quickly make friends and turn them all against Harry but Marge grabbed her favourite nephew and made baby talk noises while hugging him. “Oh my Diddykins!”

Harry but his own arm trying not to burst out laughing.

Oscar snickered and took Harry Upstairs away from his cruel relatives.

Harry as soon as he knew he was out of ear shot of downstairs howled with laughter. “Diddykins! Ahahaha!”

Bart snickered a lot more tolerable of Oscar’s weird head canon.

“I’m just happy you’re happy Harry.” said Oscar. “My parents were exactly like your aunt and uncle... I’m so glad they’re gone...”

Bart was concerned Oscar could have little value for life sometimes just because he hated someone.

“Well My parents loved me. And I loved them.” said Harry. “My Aunt and Uncle are my abusers.”

“Well like I said my parents instigated my suffering. I don’t really see my extended family. I love my Uncle Buck though.” said Oscar.

Harry sighed considering their situations differed.

“I can’t wait to go back to Springwarts.” said Oscar eagerly.

Bart rolled his eyes.

...

Meanwhile there was news. Someone broke out of Springfield penitentiary. They were so dangerous they had to be naned and offered a bounty for their recapture.

Marge gasped as the escapee was... Sideshow Bob! Dun dun dun!

The Dursley’s spent the time mocking Harry and canon Aunt Marge fed her dog Ripper some of her whiskey.

“Homer Bart’s gonna find out about you know who...”

“No I don’t know who!” said Homer.

“SB...”

“Selma Bouvier?!”

“No!”

“Soup Bus?”

“No! Ideshow say Ob bay...” said Marge.

“Marge I cannot understand pig Latin...” said Homer.

Marge whispered to him.

“Ooooooh! I get it! Sideshow Glmmmmph!” Homer was quickly hand gagged by Marge.

“Shhhhhhh!” Marge hushed him.

Upstairs Bart played Bonestorm as his favourite character Morlax the mutilator. He performed a violent fatality on Oscar’s character.

“Eeeeeew! Blood!” Oscar whined.

Suddenly Bart’s vision went red and his sword shaped scar on the back of his hand hurt. He hissed in pain hoping no one noticed.

Oscar did but didn’t ask if Bart was alright.

...

Downstairs the topic moved on from Sideshow Bob to the economy.

“Choco chippos has gone into liquidation.” said Marge reading the news.

“Mmmmm! Liquidation...” said Homer drooling.

Marge sighed. “Kids dinner!”

She hid the newspaper before Bart came down leading his siblings and his friends Harry and Oscar.

Dudley whined because Bart and his siblings and Oscar would not play with him, but would play with Harry.

“Of course we won’t because we don’t like bullies!” Oscar snapped.

Vernon went red with anger but contained himself. Harry warned him about Oscar’s anger.

Anyway in canon Aunt Marge insulted Harry’s parents so he made her inflate like a balloon and fly far away.

However Harry inflates Marge because Oscar wanted him to.

“Uh why?” Harry asked.

“Because I have a thing for inflation scenes.” said Oscar. (Inflated fetish)

“Eeeeew! Oz...” Bart groaned.

“Well I can’t Oz. I don’t know why my magic retaliates in that way sometimes. My anger seems to cause weird stuff sometimes...“ said Harry.

“Okay fine... then I’ll do it...” said Oscar. Okay evil me I need your help...

Now that is interessssting.... a serpentine voice in his head hissed.

“Look I want to inflate Marge. Quit yapping...” Oz told his evil side. He focused his evil powers.

Marge suddenly inflated like a balloon. Eventually she noticed her swollen form and was quite alarmed as she floated.

“What have you done now boy?!” Vernon scolded Harry.

“Nothing it’s Oscar doing that!” Harry protested.

Vernon saw Oscar’s red eyes. He was horrified. “That child is a demon!” He stammered.

“Oscar! Leave Mom alone and return her to normal now!” Lisa whined.

...

Harry in canon stormed out after turning Marge into a balloon and took the purple Knight bus. However in this version Oscar storms out after being rightfully scolded for using his evil powers to inflate Marge. For no reason other than because it amused him.

“Stupid (Garbled Muttly growling)”

The Purple Knight Bus appeared and he got on it. It had a sarcastic driver, Lenny Henry as a Shrunken head, three decks and TARDIS dimensional transcendence. Ie it’s bigger on the inside. That last point about dimensional transcendence meant full size beds could fit inside it yet not change the size of the bus from the outside.

Oscar sat down on the beds and read the newspaper. Sideshow Bob got out again.

“Eh... hope Bart doesn’t find out...” said Oscar.

...

The next morning at the Simpsons the owls arrived with letters.

“Stupid whimsy and animal mail!” Homer groaned.

Homer collected the letters from the owls.

“Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill... hey! Llib! Oh wait another bill. Bill... Here’s one for Bart!”

“Oh gimme!” Bart took his letter. He opened it and screamed. Dropping a letter in Bloody writing that read “I’m back!” In capital letters.

Over the last week of summer more letters arrived.

On the table hey read as follows. “Die, Bart, Die!” “I will kill you!” “See you soon!” Etc.

“Who could do such a cruel thing?!” Marge feigned ignorance as she know who sent them.

“Mom drop the act! I know who’s death threats these are! Sideshow Bobs!” Bart cried. He sobbed and Marge comforted him.

“It’s true sweetie. Bob is on the loose again. But don’t worry we won’t let that man anywhere near you!” said Marge.

“Oz no Bob did not Voldemort my parents. My Mom and Dad are here right now...” Bart sighed.

“Anyway you kids have magic school and we have to pick up Oscar from the Leaky Cauldron along the way.” said Marge.

The Simpsons drove to the Leaky Cauldron. Sideshow Bob in silhouette was watching them as his theme tune played.

At the Leaky cauldron. The day maid was cleaning the rooms as Oscar walked about. The maid visited a room “housekeeping she asked the occupant of one room. It roared loudly at her and the door slammed shut.

“I’ll come back later...” said the maid.

Oscar winced.

He then went to the inn lounge where a hunchback tried to serve him tea.

The Simpsons arrived worried about him.

Oscar grinned wickedly. Worry was the first sign of backing down. They ought not to care about me if I’m in the wrong...

However the Simpsons soon started jabbering on about Sideshow Bob on the loose again.

“Anyway I better pack my magic stuff.” said Oscar going to his room.

“Oh! I better warn him about our new text book!” Lisa ran after him.

Oscar was packing his magic books. There was a new one he got via owl delivery. It was for Care of Magical creatures class.

The book was furry and appeared to be alive. It was titled Monster book of Monsters. He unclamped the book and opened it. It attacked him violently.

Lisa came in and couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of him being attacked by a book.

...

They then went to Springwarts. Luckily Dobby didn’t mess with the entrance to Platform 9 and three quarters this year.

However the train ride did go awry.

Professor Lupin slept in a cabin and Harry and Ron sat with him as all the others were full.

Suddenly Dementors attacked. They sucked out emotion and energy from everyone. But suddenly Professor Lupin woke up and used Expecto Patronum to disperse them. Once they fled he offered Harry chocolate to treat Dementor exposure.

On the school bus to Springwarts.

“What are those things?” Bart asked as Dementors harassed the bus.

“Dementors.” said Oscar. They feed on emotions, such as happiness until there is nothing left.

There was also that gremlin from Treehouse of Horror IV again. He was tearing away at the bus.

However despite his efforts. He bus got to school on time. The gremlin hid under the wheel space when the kids got off.

Bart sighed as he went in. He’d rather not talk about Sideshow Bob.

They had the opening feast and lessons. The only notable one was Defence against the Dark Arts. Because their teacher was a werewolf. Sometimes he was human, sometimes he would be in wolf form. In wolf form he liked to moon light as the wolf in fairytales.

“My what big eyes you have sir...” said the students.

“All the better to see you with my dears.” said the cartoon wolf dressed as Grandma.

The cartoon wolf taught them about Boggarts. Shape changing creatures that take the form of your worst fear.

Girls like Janey probably got the boggart to turn into a spider.

Ralph and Milhouse got a clown. Bart face palmed at his best friend being scared of clowns.

The werewolf taught them to defeat the Boggart they must laugh. To help there was a spell called Riddikulus. That turns a Biggart from something scary to something funny.

However when Bart’s Boggart took the form of Sideshow Bob and Bart had a panic attack. The teacher banished the Boggart as Sideshow Bob, while his theme played back into its box and sealed it shut and abruptly ended the lesson. He was worried about certain things or the image of certain things roaming the school and causing panic if a Boggart got out. He would have to get to the bottom of the fears of some pupils in a controlled environment.

“Bart, Harry, Oscar. I’ll see you guys after lessons.” said the werewolf teacher.

On the way to next lesson Seamus McSeamus caused anarchy with students transfigurating, killing each other and Dumbledore slapping each other into the sky.

In History of Magic corn magic history. Seamus once again called the masculine teacher who was actually a woman, Sir.

“I’m a Ma’am! Damn it!” The teacher yelled.

“Sorry sir.”

“It’s Ma’am!”

Oscar gave stupid answers again.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

In Astronomy the Flat Earther teacher once again explained the Earth is flat, they lived in a Dom of stars and the Earth rested on the backs of four elephants and they stood on the back of a turtle.

And that everything revolves around the Earth.

This annoyed Lisa.

The teacher practically encouraged moronic theories of the universe such as.

“That the moon is made of cheese, Miss?” Bart said snickering.

“Sure! Why not?” said the teacher.

Lisa growled.

At recess Seamus McSeamus allowed some sinister pupils to lure him to the dungeons to meet the Minister of Magic. Presumably they meant Cornelius Fudge.

Then he was rescued by a prefect who barked at him to go to his lesson.

Then a slytherin girl called everyone nerds for liking Dungeons and dragons despite Seamus’s protests.

In Care of Magical creatures they learnt about Hippogriffs. Harry got Buckbeak to like him and Buckbeak let him fly around on its back.

However Malfoy being the git he was insulted Buckbeak and he attacked Malfoy. Malfoy expected this and feigned his injury was worse than it actually was.

Then to Hermione’s dismay and anger he reported this to his father and news arrived that a medieval headsman had come to put Buckbeak down. Euthanised...

Hermione was so angry she stormed up to Draco, “You are a foul loathsome cockroach!” she screamed. And then she punched him in the face.

Oscar was incensed because Buckbeak was not going to have an injection to put him to sleep forever. He was going to have his head chopped off.

“Fuck no!” He swore.

“Oz!” Lisa scolded him.

“They are not chopping up an innocent creature! I will not let them!” Oscar yelled.

“Me neither Oz. But stop swearing.” Lisa agreed with him but asked him to stop swearing.

While Oscar, Lisa and Hermione plotted to save Buckbeak. Bart could have sworn he saw Sideshow Bob. He dismissed it as seeing things but his scar hurt.

And Seamus got himself into trouble again by picking very poor friends. He encountered a student called Odin who was clearly an old man with a full beard.

And Odin and several other boys used a love potion on him and a grappling spell to pull him along. When he protested a boy explained that love potions do not imply consent. Um... Holy crap!

...

Bart’s scar hurt during lessons. Potions was mentioned by virtue that Draco got at Harry by coaxing Snape that with his bad arm he couldn’t mix his potion so Harry would have to do everything for him such as cutting up ingredients and mixing the potion.

Bart’s scar continued to hurt. He wondered what Bob was up to.

Bob was by the school’s black lake laughing maniacally. Then he stepped on a rake and it hit him in the face. He groaned angrily.

After last lesson as promised Bart went albeit reluctantly to Defence against the Dark Arts with Harry and Oscar as they were the students who’s fears Lupin did not want to see wandering the school.

Harry was up first. Lupin explained the moment he locked eyes on a Harry he feared his boggart would be Voldemort. And he really didn’t want to see Voldemort walking the halls of the school.

But Harry’s boggart was a dementor. Lupin praised him for not being predictable and fearing something other than Voldemort. Lupin decided he should teach Harry the Expecto Patronus spell so he could defend himself against dementors. Because the ministry to protect the school because in canon Sirius Black escaped Azkaban, decided they could guard the school with dementors...

Bart was up next. When his boggart took the form of Sideshow Bob again he had a panic attack and curled up on the floor in a heap until the professor as a cartoon wolf dressed as Grandma convinced him to cast Riddikulus on Sideshow Bob. The boggart version of Bob’s hair fell out and he blushed embarrassed.

Bart laughed destroying the boggart.

Oscar was up last. His Boggart briefly took the form of his dead parents before shifting into something else.

“Oh no...” the professor lamented it was just as he feared. A fear causing the room to be the very illusion. If they were outside Oscar’s fear would alter the entire world into a nightmare realm in the image of his fear easily.

The boggart oozed across the floors, walls and ceilings and distorted cartoon characters with Henry the Hoover eyes wailing disturbing groans and pulling faces appeared.

Oscar screamed and broke down in tears.

“Professor get rid of that! His fears can kill him!” Bart warned.

Images of the chair scene from Ghostbusters appeared where the arms grab Dana.

The professor swiftly banished the Boggart track into its box and sealed it away.

The professor explained Oscar’s fear was too frightening to him he could never face a boggart.

Bart and Harry were dismissed to take Oscar to recuperate in the common room.

Harry had to leave Bart and Oscar because they were in different houses. Bart and Oscar were in Wyrmfang. Harry was in Lionheart. Just as he was Gryffindor at Hogwarts. He felt Wyrmfang was a lot like Slytherin. Except they were a bit more friendly.

...

Lisa heard the news and was disappointed. Oscar was in no state to help save Buckbeak.

In divination, once Oscar was no longer traumatised and catatonic was soon back to his old silly self pretending to be a gypsy fortune teller with the crystal balls and making Small, Medium and Large puns. A divining medium...

“Oz stop dressing up as a fortune teller and playing with the crystal balls...” Bart sighed.

In Quidditch Harry saw a black dog and fell off his broom. Somehow his broom flew into the Whomping willow, who decided to smash up the broom.

Harry soon got a far better broom. A fire bolt.

When he explained to Sybil Trawley about the black dog she worried him by saying it was the Grim a symbol of death.

At lunch Sybil’s antics in the great hall made Harry’s friends laugh as she made a terrible mess with her food.

...

The bad news was that Buckbeak had been killed by the ministry. The good news, what little comfort to Lisa and Hermione it was was that this yeah students were allowed out of school at weekends to Hogsmede. In the Simpsons universe with Springwarts this was instead Spingshire, a tea shop cafe district.

That Saturday everyone except Harry left for Hogsmede/Springshire. Because his evil aunt and uncle would not sign his permission slip.

Harry had to stay in school. He spent that time having extra lessons with Professor Lupin, one afternoon getting told off by Filch for treading mud through the castle. Oscar who had warped back to narrate this scene could only imagine one reason Harry was muddy. He had regressed to his Usborne find the little yellow duck book self from that time he dive bombed into the swimming pool and was being rather childish and rolling in the mud.

However one afternoon while mooching in Hogwarts because he couldn’t go to Hogsmede Harry bumped into Fred and George Weasley and they gave him his father’s map of the school, the marauders map. It was a magic map that showed itself only to those that knew the password. “I solemnly swear I am up to no good.” Once it allowed Harry to see the map. It pointed out not only the castle layout but locations of secret passageways out of the castle, as well as where everyone was and trails of footprints to track them.

Harry made use of the map and his father’s invisibility cloak. He snuck out to Hogsmede under the cloak via the passageway under the statue of a hunchbacked witch/one eyed witch.

...

Everyone had fun in Hogsmede or Springshire.

In Springshire Bart found a prank and practical joke store like the one in Quadrangle Alley.

In Hogsmede Ron and Hermione feeling sorry for Harry bought some sweets to take back to him.

Ron saw some blood flavoured lollipops. Yeeeeeuck!

“Eeugh! No Ron, he wouldn’t like those! Only vampires like those things!” Hermione explained.

Ace the vampire boy frowned as he sucked on a blood flavoured lollipop with his fangs digging in to the lolly.

However amusingly Harry invisible because he was under the invisibility cloak, stole a blood flavoured lollipop from Neville and licked it. Oh god! Hermione stake him! He has turned! Gahahahaha!

Then Harry while invisible threw snowballs at Draco, Crabbe and Goyle and frightened them thinking a ghost was attacking them. He pulled down Crabbe’d hat over his head and pulled down Goyle’s trousers. Then he swung Draco about by his scarf. He did all this only because he witnessed Draco bullying Hermione again.

Harry then revealed himself. Hermione and Ron were happy to see him but he had to quickly hide under his invisibility cloak again.

Invisible Harry then went in a pub. Ironically there were teachers in there drinking...

Harry overheard a conversation that the escaped inmate Sirius Black helped Voldemort murder his parents by telling him where they were hiding. Then he murdered a wizard called Peter Pettigrew

When Hermione and and Ron found him outside when it was ok to take off his invisibility cloak, he was upset and angry because the marauders map had his father’s name on it along with Professor Lupin’s full name Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. And ever so often their names changed to their nicknames for each other. Prongs, Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail. What this meant was that Harry believed Sirius betrayed his friends and murdered one of them and helped Voldemort murder the other.

...

Meanwhile Seamus McSeamus got molested in the toilets by Odin but didn’t take the entire scene seriously because they had both glitched and got stuck. Seamus saw a prefect watching shut the cubicle door.

“Don’t shut the door!” said the prefect in a ridiculous voice.

Elsewhere at Springshire Bart would not let Oscar make him Barry Trotter and that Sideshow Bob as Bobmort kill his parents.

“No Oz!” Bart groaned.

“But then you could have an invisibility cloak and a magic map!” Oscar insisted.

“I’d rather have laser eyes and the ability to fart fire!” said Bart.

Then Seamus McSeamus learnt from another student how to dance, the student teaching him considered this real magic. Then he witnessed students killing each other again and Ron cannibalising a Hufflepuff.

“Seamus we are not doing Harry Potter and the portrait of what looked like a pile of ash!” Oscar whined.

“Why am I vicious cannibal and a bird and then at one point a cluster of spiders?!” Ron ranted. “And my Ron shirt is not terrible!”

Then Seamus McSeamus spoke with an old southern gentleman going on about the troubles in Ireland and the Queen of England. He spoke with an old timer southerner twang.

Oscar played a banjo while chewing a blade of straw.

“Yeah we get it Oz. He’s an old moonshine brewer and banjo player.” said Bart.

...

However that night something terrible happened at both wizard schools. At Hogwarts the Gryffindors couldn’t get into their common room at night. Percy asked why only to find the Fat Lady portrait slashed at violently.

“But where’s the Fat Lady?” Percy asked.

They found her hiding in another painting. Unfortunately she was portrayed by Dawn French.

“Peter, I’m a meme!” she said to a figure in a painting called Peter.

Oscar screamed with frustration.

“It’s not Terry’s it’s mine!” she advertised a Terry’s chocolate orange.

Then she practiced her opera singing and screamed loudly at a glass until it shattered. Along with several students ear drums.

Eventually Dumbledore had arrived, who had regenerated Dr Who style because Richard Harris died, and was now the Dumbledore who asked calmly.

Professor McGonagall was with him and they decided all Gryffindors must sleep in the great hall under the watchful eyes of the teachers for their own safety.

Also in a deleted scene Michael Gambon farted.

...

Meanwhile Bart lead his house back to Wyrmfang dormitory for the night only to find the entrance graffitied with chicken blood. It read in big frightening letters, “Your death shall come swiftly and painfully Bart Simpson!” And a foot note. “PS ran out of chickens blood, had to use duck...”

Bart screamed and panicked.

“Bart calm down!” Nelson and other Wyrmfangs chased after him as he ran about screaming.

“Sideshow Bob is gonna kill meeeee!” Bart screamed.

Eventually the Wyrmfangs caught Bart and calmed him down. Bart explained to his friends about Sideshow Bob. Which is funny because none of the stories have Bart having address his arch nemesis to his friends. Except maybe Milhouse in Camp Feare although he probably just told him that someone was trying to kill him.

“Okay Krusty’s old Sideshow has a fixation with trying to kill Bart. Okaaay...” said Nelson.

Luckily Skinner arrived, saw the graffiti and gasped. He made the decision of Wyrmfang students sleeping in the cafeteria under his watch and Willie’s like in Skinner’s sense of Snow but this time it’s Bart that cannot sleep because of Bob.

...

At Hogwarts Harry was concerned that the marauders map kept showing Peter Pettigrew walking about the school at night.

“Maybe he’s a ghost now like nearly headless Nick?” said Ron. “By the way, has anyone seen Scabbers?”

Harry went out that night under his invisibility cloak trying to find Peter Pettigrew. He was alarmed because the map showed Peter heading straight for him! However no one was there. The map the showed Peter had passed him but Harry saw no one behind him.

“I’m the rat that just scuttled past your feet numbskull!” said Scabbers scuttling about. “I mean, squeak squeak!” Scabbers quickly went back to squeaking.

Then Harry got caught by Snape. Snape found his map and tried to read it but map called him rude names like Big nose. Before Snape could punish Harry Professor Lupin appeared and decided he would deal with Harry and his strange map.

However Lupin let Harry off with a light warning to stay in bed. But in return he kept Harry’s map when Harry told him the map thinks Peter Pettigrew is still alive.

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

Bart and Oscar went to Defence against the Dark Arts with Lisa.

During the lesson amusingly the werewolf teacher in wolf form was by a small brick house that Bart could see had cartoon pigs inside it.

“Little Pigs! Little pigs! Let me in!” said the wolf professor.

“Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins! We will not let you in!” said the cartoon pigs in high pitched voices.

“Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff... and I’ll blow your house down!” yelled the wolf professor trying to blow down a house made of bricks and mortar.

Bart sweat dropped.

At Hogwarts Lupin was off sick from werewolf transformations because today was a full moon and he was low on werewolf suppression potion. Snape was teaching. He skipped ahead to werewolves and opened the curtains with magic to let in sunlight.

Ace screamed and burnt up in flames and died.

“Professor you just killed the class’s vampire student...” Harry explained.

They learned about werewolves despite being on a chapter about grindylows last lesson. Snape deducted points from Gryffindor and wouldn’t let Hermione answer any questions.

Harry sighed and stared up at a grindylow in its aquarium. The book describes it as a sickly green with cartoonish horns on its head pulling silly faces and flexing its green claws. The movie describes them as octopus things with Murloc faces.

At Springwarts the werewolf teacher taught the students to breath fire with Brimstone like Harry would do every time he visited. Harry disrobed Milhouse with his invisibility cloak to vanish his clothes. Naked Milhouse ran off crying and made Peter Shepherd scream because of his gymnophobia. Fear of nudity.

The professor was too busy teaching and at one point masquerading as Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother in her night clothes.

Bart groaned feeling like he was dragged to a sappy pantomime Maggie wanted to watch.

Back at Hogwarts a wayward defence spell from Malfoy trying to be a prick again... missed Harry and shattered the grindylow aquarium. The grindylow, sickly green with short arms with webbed hands and sharp claws, dark green cartoonish horns on its head, a wide maw of razor sharp teeth and tentacles like Frink’s tentacle mutant from the waistline downwards latched onto Harry with its tentacles and would not let go.

At Springwarts while he was supposed to be reading about Manticores, Oscar was reading a hardcore tentacle porn hentai manga. Bart was grossed out and returned to reading his Radioactive Man comic inside his textbook.

During the later part of Prisoner of Azkaban. Buckbeak got the chop. Poor Buckbeak... and Scabbers was acting weird.

“Ow! Scabbers bit me!” Ron cried.

Then later Scabbers went missing. Ron started an argument with Hermione and tried to say Crookshanks, he Kneazle (A cat like creature) had eaten him.

“Crookshanks has not eaten your rat!!” Hermione yelled. “He was very old Ron!”

However one night just to add the weird implications of Scabbers true identity...

Scabbers scuttled into Harry, Ron, Neville and Seamus Finnegan’s dormitory while they slept. Then he transformed into a man, a short hunched over fat scruffy man with straw like messy hair like a tramp and enormous buck teeth. The man was Peter Pettigrew!

Peter Pettigrew crept softly around the dormitory. He smiled menacingly at the sleeping Harry, because he was Voldemort’s Starscream. He was evil, duh!

But he looked softly and lovingly at Ron as he slept.

“Oh Master Weasley...” he whispered. Then he got into bed with him!

...

“Oz can you not write Peter Pettigrew in that way?! It’s sick!” Bart whined.

Both schools had further intrusions, the ministry once again ordering children be sent home or making the dementor patrols tougher and more stringent.

“I gravely misjudged England Harry.” said Bart eating candy/sweets from Honeydukes.

“Hey! I’m from England too!!” Oscar whined.

“Hogsmaede is in Scotland though...” Harry explained.

“Why did Hugo get sorted into Wyrmfang when he’s, as you put it Bart, an insufferable geek.” said Oscar.

“I said he is a freak. You’re the one that made him nerdy.” Bart replied.

Hugo hissed at Bart for calling him a freak.

“Yeah but why-“ Oscar started.

“I think you got your answer Oz when my twin brother insulted me!” said Hugo. “They didn’t sort me in Owlfore with Lisa because of my intellect. They sorted me into Wyrmfang because of my psychological issues and dark tendencies.”

“Anyway how is it being two years behind us?” Oscar asked.

“Already caught up!” said Hugo smugly. “Thanks a lot Dad for locking me up...”

Meanwhile Homer took Vernon to Moe’s.

“So that freakish boy of yours that was scratching himself like a dog. You locked him away?”

“Until Oscar came along...” Homer sighed.

“Nasty business freaks in the family... it’s not like we wanted to raise them! But alas Petunia was lumbered with her sister’s little mutant!” Vernon sighed drinking beer.

Bart’s scar burnt. He yelped and held his hand that had the sword shaped scar from season 22 on it.

“Well funnily enough my scar never hurt in Prisoner of Azkaban because my mortal enemy never showed up!” said Harry.

“Ow! But it really hurts. That means he’s close! But that’s impossible because all the magical defences!” said Bart as his scar hurt.

Well Ron think’s he’s found Scabbers. He was sniffing about near the Whomping Willow at my school and we’re thinking that’s gonna be the climax of our adventure this year. Gotta go...” said Harry dis-Apparating.

“Hmmmm... I guess that means I can’t avoid him... I better find out what he’s up to...” said Bart. “Come on Oz. Oz?”

Oscar was annoying Ace by singing Twinkle, twinkle little bat.

“Twinkle, twinkle little bat.”

“How I wonder what you’re at?”

“Up above the world so high...”

“Like a tea tray in the sky...”

Ace hissed and bared his fangs.

“Come on Oz before Ace throttles you.” said Bart grabbing Oscar by his sweater collar and dragging him off somewhere.

...

They wandered the school halls of Springwarts at night. Which had far less security than Hogwarts so everyone just snuck about at night. Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph were up to no good as usual.

“You’re just dragging me along because you’re scared of Bob...” Oscar groaned.

“And you’re scared of that scene in Ghostbusters were the arms come out of Dana’s chair and grab her. And those black and white cartoon things that kept moaning in demented zombie voices.”

“Please don’t mention them...” Oscar whined.

...

Harry and his friends had to chase Scabbers again because he bit Ron’s hand.

“Ow! He bit me again!” Ron whined.

Then a big scary black dog bit Ron’s leg and dragged him screaming down a hole under the Whomping Willow.

The Whomping Willow thrashed about angrily. Harry and Hermione could simply not get anywhere near it. Also strangely in Chamber of Secrets on the Game Cube the tree had a restrain people with its branches fetish that would freak out Oscar because he was scared of trees grabbing people. It decided to hold onto Ron in one of its tentacle like branches during a boss fight against it.

Sadly it did not stick him in weretree sap.

Harry and Hermione apparently saw someone earlier in the school year subdue the tree by levitating a twig into a knothole of the tree to pacify it.

Harry used Wingardium Leviosa to levitate the twig into the tree’s knothole to calm it.

Meanwhile Hermione screamed while being sung about on a branch at high G forces.

...

It was midnight and Bart and Oscar arrived at the Black Lake.

A pirate skull and crossbones appeared on the putrid bubbling surface of the horribly polluted lake and wailed “Eviiiiiilll!”

Bart sweat dropped but froze when he heard baritone laughter.

He jumped around to see behind him Sideshow Bob as a powerful dark wizard.

Sideshow Bob cackled malevolently as his theme tune played.

“Aaaaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob!” Bart screamed.

“Mwuhahahaha! Yes Bart! It is me!” said Bob.

Then there was villain prostrating and dialogue and catching up with the last time they met etc. Then Bob tries to kill Bart in a stupidly complex manner rather than simply Avada Kedavra him.

Bart found himself in a Rube Goldberg device guillotine that was supposed to decapitate him but it was stupidly complex and had too many sub devices as part of it that had to operate in order of sequence like a game of Mousetrap just to drop the blade on Bart’s neck. And it was easily broken by poking it. Oscar poked the device and it fell apart into pieces.

Then there was more villain dialogue in the delightful dulcet tones of Kelsey Grammar’s voice, Cheers and Frasier references...

“No Cheers or Frasier...” Bart whined.

“Now Bart... I happened to like a bit of Frasier... I don’t know why but I like that Frasier Crane...” said Bob polishing his cutlass from when they sung HMS Pinafore.

Bart rolled his eyes.

Then Oscar was pulling things out of his hammer space. “Oh yeah I forgot Montymort is back trying to steal the Prism of Jazzcablam.”

“Oz we have bigger problems right now than a poxy prism...” said Bart.

...

Harry and Hermione got into the tunnels under the Whomping Willow. Hermione was in a rather amusing position, on top of Harry...

“I’m sorry...” she whined.

Meanwhile in Sonic the OVA anime.

“Tails! What are you doing?!” Cowboy hat wearing Knuckles told Tails off for touching an anime girl’s boobs.

“I’m sorry!” Tails apologised innocently.

“I’d never think you’d stoop that low!” Knuckles told him off.

Sonic being the surrogate older brother to Tails usually was no where to be seen to have words with Tails. This is why you’re not a big brother figure to Tails, Knuckles. Plus that whole you thought he was stealing the chaos emeralds but actually it was Eggman.

Anyway... Harry and Hermione found Ron in the Shrieking Shack as that’s where the tunnels under the Whomping Willow lead to. Strangely the shack had no shrieking or ghosts or hauntings... but it did have a Sirius Black!

Then Snape tried to disarm him but Harry stunned Snape with Stupefy.

“Harry you just attacked a teacher...” said Ron.

Then Professor Lupin disarmed Harry.

“Excellent spell casting Harry. But I must disarm you so we can explain things.

“That Sirius Black betrayed my father so that Voldermort found and killed him?” Harry snapped.

“No. I did not betray your father. The man you did is in this very room with us...” said Sirius Black. Who for someone who was framed, looks worryingly sinister looking, especially when he was ranting and raving in Azkaban. Plus his name is Sirius Black... how does that not scream evil?!

Scabbers squirmed and bit Ron’s again. “Ow! Scabbers!” Ron cried as his rat tried to escape. And how does Ron not have rabies or typhoid by now?!

However Remus Lupin used a spell on Scabbers that turned him into a fat nervous quivering man in in a pinstripe suit who was shaking and had straw, aged and falling out hair. And enormous buck teeth.

“Who is that?!” Ron gasped. Why it’s your dear Scabbers Ron.

“That, is Peter Pettigrew.” said Sirius casting the rope binding charm at Peter and tying him up.

The marauders interrogated him. Basically he spilled the beans that he was the one that betrayed Janes and Lily. Killed hundreds of Muggles in an explosion, sliced off his own finger and hid so Sirius got the blame.

Sirius’s angry and passionate tirade at Peter’s pitiful excuse “I did it because the dark lord was gonna kill me!” With fierce loyalty of “I’d die before betraying James and Lily! I’d rather die!”

Harry saw the truth and eventually in the span of Snape trying to disarm Sirius and getting stunned again. Harry instantly forgave Sirius and he turned out to be a nice guy really. Where as the fat plump Pettigrew who was sort of cute in a creepy way is supposed to be pure evil but does a terrible job pulling it off and comes across as every annoying, cowardly cartoon minion to the the main antagonist. Ie Creeper from Disney’s Black Cauldron, Starscream, Igor from cartoon adaptations of Frankenstein even though there was no Igor in the book, Muttley, Gollum...

Plot 4[edit | edit source]

Outside the shack they all discussed what to do with a Peter Pettigrew while he appealed to Harry for mercy then Ron because Ron owned him.

Sirius wanted to kill Peter Pettigrew.

Harry explained his father wouldn’t want his friends to stoop to murder. And that they should hand Peter to the ministry and the Dementors.

Peter looked like he had soiled him in fright when Harry mentioned the dementors.

“Kill him!” said James Potter’s ghost.

“Daaaaad!” Harry whined.

Ron had a very odd idea that annoyed Harry.

“Hey! I know he was kinda responsible for killing you parents Harry and killing many innocent Muggles and framing an innocent man, Harry. But he was my Scabbers. My pet for all my life! And Percy’s sorts as well. I want to keep him!” said Ron hugging Peter’s arm. Peter giggled lovingly.

“Ron you stupid ginger git! That man helped kill my parents and murdered hundreds of Muggles!” Harry yelled.

“Yes but he’s my Scabbers!” said Ron.

“Ron he’s actually a middle aged smelly bloke who probably did things to you while you slept!” Harry snapped.

“Eeeeeew! Eeeew! Okay okay! Take him!” Ron relented.

While they debated it was suddenly night time! And unfortunately it was a full moon tonight!

Remus was transforming...

“Remus! Have you not taken your medicine?!” Sirius lamented.

Peter used the distraction to turn into a rat, waving with a sinister smile as he did so and escaped...

Remus Lupin turned into a crap looking Werewolf. Even Russel T Davis and the BBC could make a better looking computer generated Werewolf!

“Okay! We’ll use the Werewolf from Doctor Who episode Tooth and Claw!” Harry yelled at the fourth wall.

Cue crap looking Werewolf being replaced by the werewolf from Doctor Who.

Then Snape did nothing to help or realise his students were out after dark.

“Good heavens! The Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor just turned into werewolf, I missed plot advancement and tales of betrayal and framing, and why are you three out of bed after dark?!” Snape said in order before glaring at Harry, Ron and Hermione.

“Uh Professor, Werewolf?” Harry pointed around the snarling Werewolf that was Professor Lupin.

“Fifty points, begrudgingly to Gryffindor, Harry... now run for you lives!” Snape yelled.

...

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