The Mansion Family Mr Burns has a health scare and must go for a check up so the Simpsons stay at his mansion to look after it and live the life of rich people.


Mr Burns has his cheat death routine and become a friendly alien thing again. big burly men twist up his joints into a painful yoga position and then back again. A scientist puts Belladonna/Deadly Nightshade extract in his eyes to make his pupils big and then he is injected with something that makes him placid and happy. However disaster strikes when he gets mangled in the X Ray machine because he is so thin. He is folded up in the gears.

“Oh dear God!” said Smithers horrified.

He walks Mr Burns to his limousine.

“I am so sorry Sir.” said Smithers.

“It’s alright Smithers. This accident has made me think. I’ll need a regular medicine check up from now on to keep me in peak physical condition!” said Mr Burns.

“Only the best doctors for you sir.” said Smithers.

“Ah yes. The Mayo Climic in Minnesota will do!” said Mr Burns.

”Mmmmmmm Mayo....” said Oscar squirting mayonnaise into his sandwich.

”Is it an instrument?” Patrick Star asked.

Oscar winced.

”No Patrick it’s not an instrument...” Oscar sighed.

”Smithers how does he keep getting in here?!” Mr Burns sighed.

”I have no idea sir...” said Smithers.

Once he got home he paced up and down his office.

“Smithers! Look at this incredibly ancient date on this letter! What does this mean?” said Mr Burns holding a letter dating back to the late 19th century.

“That’s your date of birth Sir.” said Smithers.

“Good Heavens! Am I really that old?” Mr Burns gasped.

“Not to me Sir.” Smithers smiles aroused by Mr Burns.

“This is serious Smithers! I need to go away on a health treatment spa and a thorough check up! Oh the Grim Reaper won’t have me yet!” Mr Burns ranted. “But Smithers someone will have to look after the place while we’re gone.” said Nr Burns.

“Yes sir I suppose they will. Who did you have in mind?” Smithers asked.

“Who is that foolish oaf who is always causing accidents at the plant?” Mr Burns asked.

“Homer Simpson Sir?” Smithers asked.

“Yes him. I think we’re due for some good behaviour from him! He can’t be that stupid all the time...” said Mr Burns.

“I don’t wish to speak out of turn Sir. But Mr Simpson’s family don’t exactly um like you.” said Smithers.

“That’s where you come in Smithers. I was thinking of sweetening the deal as to say. I’ll bribe them with a box of candy!” said Mr Burns.

“Excellent idea Sir.” said Smithers.


Meanwhile the Simpsons were watching Lake Placid. A film about a giant crocodile/Alligator.

The giant alligator or Crocodile attacked.

“Coooooool!” said Bart.

“Look out!” Lisa cried.

“Boring...” Homer groaned.

They were eating TV Dinners when the doorbell rang.

“Oh! I wonder who that could be?” said Marge.

They answered the door. At the door was Mr Burns, Smithers, the blue haired lawyer and Crusher and Lowblow.

Homer screamed.

“Oh there is no need to be scared Simpsons. I am merely here on a casual visit.” said Mr Burns.

Homer sighed and let him in.

They were sat at the dining room in mid conversation.

“So you see Simpsons I need someone to look after my house while I’m gone.” said Mr Burns. “To the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.”

“Mmmmm.... mayonnaise...” said Oscar moaning with joy.

“No offence Mr Burns but you’re sort of a meany!” said Bart.

“Bart!” Homer growled at Bart.

“Why should we help you?” Bart asked Mr Burns.

“Because you little urchin! I’ll have your father fired faster than you can say Human Resources!” Mr Burns said angrily.

Homer screamed.

“But, I’d rather play with the carrot than the stick by othering you these delightful chocolates if you agree to help.” said Mr Burns offering them chocolates.

“Ooooooh!” said Homer hungry. “Then it’s a deal Mr Burns! We’ll be at your mansion when err... whenever you need us!”

“I leave tomorrow morning eleven am sharp! Do not be late?” Mr Burns said sharply.

“Yes Mr Burns.” Homer gulped.

“Well enjoy your candy. I must get home and watch Smithers pack my things. See you tomorrow Simpson!” said Mr Burns as he left with Smithers, his lawyer and some henchmen.


Homer was finishing off the chocolates that morning. “You guys a missing out, mmmmm! Caramel...”

“Nah not really we don’t want any.” said Bart.

“Why?” Homer asked.

“Because I don’t want to eat anything poisonous.” said Oscar. He didn’t trust Mr Burns to be generous.

Homer screamed and threw the box of chocolates away.

The Simpsons arrived at Mr Burns’s estate it wasn’t much different to when they went there at Mr Burns’s picnic.

“When was the last time we did a favour for Mr Burns at one of his properties?” Bart asked.

“When we were janitors at his winter retreat and Homer went Shining on us?” Oscar replied.

“No more recently than that.” said Bart.

“When we were asked to clean his chandeliers and we accidentally broke one because Grampa unbolted the wrong one we weren’t under?” Oscar asked.

“Yes that.” said Bart.

“Well I wanted to do an episode about Charles Manson. But we’re here now so the episode is called the Mansion Family.” said Oscar.

Bart winced.

They arrived to be greeted by Mr Burns and inspected. 9f course as usual he forgot Homer’s name or called him Hubert. He made Marge uncomfortable because she knew he was an evil man. He called Bart Brat.

“It’s Bart sir.” said Bart.

“Quiet Brat!” Homer yelled at Bart.

“Oh don’t stifle the children Hubert.” said Mr Burns smiling gamely.

Then Mr Burns annoyed Lisa by referring to her as a weed.

Then he embarrassed Homer by asking of Hugo who he hadn’t met yet.

“Homer whined as Marge was insistent they bring all the kids. Even Hugo.

“You know how I do not like families with more than three children Simpson...” said Mr Burns sharply.

“I’m sorry Mr Burns. Bart ended up as twins and I love both my daughters. So to comply we hid Hugo away until someone snitched on us to the authorities. Well now Hugo is family and there’s nothing anyone can do about that.” said Homer.

“Very well. I suppose an extra pair of hands helping look after the place wouldn’t be so bad...” Mr Burns sighed.

Hugo was in a feral mood today. He was scratching himself from lice and growling like an animal.

“Stop that! You’re a human not an animal!” Homer told Hugo off.

“Smithers what a beastly creature let’s get out of here!” said Mr Burns.

“Yes sir.” said Smithers.

Smithers explained some important numbers for the Simpsons such as the fire department in case there’s a fire to explaining to put the phone down immediately if Mrs Burns, Mr Burns’s mother rings.

“He doesn’t like speaking to his mother...” said Smithers. “Well I must leave you Mr Burns hates tardiness.” He left,

Once the Simpsons were inside the mansion alone they cheered.

“Whoooo! We’re millionaires!” said Bart.

“Billionaires!” Lisa corrected him while cheering.

“Now now. This is only for while Mr Burns is away!” said Marge. “So don’t get too attached! And most importantly don’t break anything!”

“Look Marge! I’m a billionaire!” said Homer wearing a top hat and sliding down a bannister. He went flying and his butt smashed into a priceless painting destroying it.

Smither came in saying he forgot a bag when he was horrified to see Homer stuck by his butt in a painting’s picture frame. He decided to say nothing and hoped Mr Burns wouldn’t notice as he hastily left.


Meanwhile the Griffins were visited by Lois’s rich aunt. Her entire family are rich.

However her aunt immediately died.

”Oh no!” Lois lamented.

”Oh no!” said Meg.

“Oh no!” said Brian.

”Oh yeah!” said the Kool aid man smashing in through a wall...

Tbe Griffins stared blankly. Kool aid Man left awkwardly.

Anyway Lois inherits her now recently late aunt’s mansion. This is is what this episode is based on.

The Simpsons thought how big the mansion was.

“I certainly won’t be able to keep all of this place clean!” said Marge.

“You won’t have to Mom. Mr Burns has staff for that.” said Lisa. Yes I am aware this nulls the point of the episode if he has staff to run the place. They have certain jobs okay?! The chef can’t also be security!

The staff came out and greeted the Simpsons and Oscar. There were chefs, a majordomo who resembled Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast. A Majordomo is responsible for arranging things like appointments and timekeeping and organising their master. There was also a butler, footmen, chamber maids, wardrobe assistants (person who dresses their master in the morning), a professor dude who once taught Mr Burns in his youth. The song won’t work with out a house tutor! Duh! Stylists etc.

There was a spoof of the song I think I’m gonna like it here from Annie as the staff sung about how they were there to look after the temporary masters and mistresses of Mr Burns’s estate while he was away.

“We’re here to kiss your ass!”

“Kiss? Hell we’ll even wipe it for you!”

Homer blushed.

“From here on you’re on easy street.”

“Any bars around here?” Homer asked.

“24 happy hours a day.” said a footman.

“Woohoo!” Homer cheered.

“We’ll stop Jehovah's at the gate!”

The assistants of Mr Burns’s estate were frowning and sending Jehovah’s Witnesses away again the gate. Despite that Burns has hounds for that.

Chef Boyardee sung.

“I cook brunch! Clive cooks lunch! Each and every day!”

“Chocolate cake! Ala Blake!” Blake sung holding a platter with a chocolate cake on it.

“Ooooooh!” Homer and Oscar looked at the cake hungrily.

“We’ll do our best with Lisa!” said stylists.

“Are you lot saying I’m ugly?” Lisa scowled.

“No but your beauty will help you out where your uppity smartness isn’t dear.” said a stylist.

“Oh.” said Lisa.

“We’ll even bathe Hugo!”

“Oh good because he is a nightmare to give a bath to...” said Homer.

“I’ll be your tutor every night.” said the professor guy.

“Good luck trying to teach me...” said Bart smirking.

“That’s why we hired that Hawking guy!” The servants sung as they bought in Stephen Hawking

“We’ll even take a bullet for you.” sung the servants.

“Oh good! Here’s one right here!” said Oscar pulling out a handgun.

“Oscar!” Marge told him off.

“What? I’ve been hanging out with evil Stewie a bit!” said Oscar.

The sung continued before ending on a crescendo.

“Wooooooow! Singing butlers...” said Homer in awe.

Plot 2

Marge and Homer saw a huge bedroom.

“This room is as big as the inside of our house!” said Marge.

“And you never have to make the bed! Watch!” said Homer pulling a lever. The bed dropped into a fiery pit that closed up on it and another bed cane out of the wall.

“That seems awfully wasteful...” said Marge.

“Wasteful but practical.” said Homer.

“Cooooool! I can dispose of my enemies and unwanted guests with this! Mwuhahahaha!” said Oscar laughing evilly.

“Look Marge! A dressing machine!” Homer went in a machine it operated and he screamed and swore as blades chopped at things. Then he came out with bruises and cuts dressed in a fine suit.

“Now I am ready for a night in town!” said Homer.

Bart was walking around a corridor looking behind paintings for something. He found a safe behind one. “Ah Ha!” He chuckled deviously and unlocked it.

“Close that door!” said a London royal jewels guard hiding inside it.

Bart screamed and ran off.

Lisa was in a study room of a much bigger library with a small collection of book with Maggie as Hugo sat reading Jules Verne books.

“Wow! Mr Burns even has the Nancy Drew books! Even the controversial The Clue in the Clock!” Lisa said picking up the book and reading it. “Tsk! So many swears...” she sighed.


Bart, Lisa and Homer wrecked one of the halls driving or riding stuff indoors.

“Screw you Professor Oak!” Bart yelled riding a bike indoors and smashing vases and knocking over tables and busts.

“Hey stop that!” Professor Oak from Pokemon chased after him telling him off for riding a bike indoors. Bart made faces at him and drove off.

“I’m princess Margret!” said Lisa. “Yeehaw!” as she rode a pony through the mansion halls. It neighed.

“I’m drunk!” said Homer drunk as he drove a lawnmower through the corridor ripping up the carpets.

At the Mayo clinic the doctor was telling the pope to lay off the chilli. Fidel Castro laughed.

“Oh I wouldn’t laugh Fidel! I’ve been in the car with you!” said the Pope.

At Mr Burns’s mansion the family had dinner.

“Mom! Bart’s making faces at me! I think!” said Lisa looking through binoculars at Bart as they were sat at a very long table that stretched for kilometres...

“No that was Hugo! Honest!” said Bart blaming Hugo.

“Look how loudly I have to yell!” Homer shouted.

“Hmmmm! This seems all rather too fancy just for sloppy joes...” said Marge. “I know what eleven of these forks are for but what do you do with this?!” she asked while holding a large butt scratching fork.

“Why Marge I do believe you’re supposed to scratch your ass with it...” said Homer in a posh accent.

“Homer! Watch your- Ooooooh! Oh that’s good...” said Marge using the butt scratcher.


That evening in a drawing room Bart was smoking a cigar.

“Bart! Stop that!” Marge confiscated his cigar. “Cigars are for rich men and comedians like Bill Cosby and David Letterman!”

Bart had quickly lit another cigar and ran off while smoking it and chuckling.

“Oooooh! Bart! No!” Marge tried to catch him but he eluded her.

“Homer stop him!” Marge yelled.

“Stop who Marge.” said Homer swirling a glass of whisky in a brandy balloon.

“Homer! Don’t swirl Mr Burns’s whiskey!” said Marge.

“I pay my taxes from my salary and I will swirl my whiskey if I want!” Homer ranted. He drank a big mouthful. “And another thing! I-“ he fainted from drunkenness.

Marge sighed.

Bart hid somewhere as he smoked his cigar.


The next day they found rooms in the mansion they liked.

“Wow! A pool!” said Bart at a big swimming pool with a dollar sign at the bottom of it. “Uh oh...”

Milhouse could be seen hopping about eagerly on the other side of Mr Burns’s boarder hedges. He got word of a nearby swimming pool.

“I better let him in...” Bart sighed.

Then they found a solarium.

“A solarium!” said Marge. No not a room with sun beds. I don’t think Mr Burns is that vain. The second definition. A room for the sole purpose of letting in sunlight for example in the depths of a mansion.

“And this is just the west wing!” said Lisa.

“What’s in the East Wing?” Oscar asked.

“The east wing is forbidden!” shouted the Beast.

“Why?” asked Oscar.

“Because I said so!” shouted the Beast almost growling in a beast like manner as he sulked off on all fours.

The Simpsons and Oscar shrugged their shoulders.

Then they found a billiards and games room.

“Woohoo! Now if only there was a small bar!” said Homer.

“There is a drinks bar Dad!” said Lisa as the games room had a small whiskey bar.

“Woohoo!” Homer cheered.

Then there was a library.

“Oh! A library!” Lisa was in awe of a large opulent library full of all kinds of books. Bart was looking bored and rolling his eyes.

“Nancy Drews, Jules Verne... Mr Burns has everything here!” Lisa said with joy.

“I hope there’s a room for me...” said Hugo glumly.

In a hall way not far from the library he opened a secret passageway. Inside to his joy was a fully operational and very high tech laboratory.

“A laboratory?” Bart asked.

“Mr Burns probably performs insidious experiments here...” said Lisa bitterly and angrily at the thought of Mr Burns’s evil deeds.

“Coooooool! I can spend hours in here experimenting!” said Hugo laughing evilly.

“No fair! That’s my shtick!” said Bart.

“Oh yeah? What’s in this beaker Bart?” Hugo asked holding a beaker of sulphuric acid.

“Um... lemonade?” said Bart.

“No! It’s sulphuric acid! It’s highly corrosive...” said Hugo frustrated with his stupidity.

“Okay you be the mad scientist then...” said Bart.

“That’s just Scientist Bart! And none of them were ever mad!” Lisa said glaring at Bart annoyed.

“Oh I take that as a compliment Lisa. Yes I shall be the most insane scientist of them all! Mwuhahahaha!” Hugo laughed evilly.

The Simpsons sighed.


Homer found Mr Burns’s contact book and threw a fancy party. One of the upper class guests invited him to a yacht club that evening.

“Well we certainly are going places Homer.” said Marge pleased he had wealthy friends.

However it was not long before Homer got kicked out because of his boorish behaviour.

“Oooooh! I barely had time to stuff some salmon down my pants for Marge...” Homer whined.

“Face it Dad you are not upperclass material.” said Hugo.

“I am too!” said Homer.

“Prove it! I’ll teach you. It is a pleasure to see you this evening. How is the weather?” said Hugo suggesting a conversation starter.

Homer belched loudly and scratched his butt.

“Brilliant Dad, just Brilliant...” Hugo clapped sarcastically.

“In Family Guy Peter would have made a long winded pop culture reference to Hogans Heroes or Flash Gordon...” said Oscar.

“Hey remember when these shows existed? I do!” said Peter.

The Simpsons were having lunch. A butler serves Marge tea.

“Ooooh! It feels lovely to be waited on! Doesn’t it Lois?” She sniped at Lois Griffin.

“No not really. If I wanted to live with butlers and maids doing everything for me I would still be single and living with Daddy. I went down market because I love Peter, despite his faults.”

“There’s faults Lois, and then there’s something else...” Marge rolled her eyes as Peter had more than a few faults. Hey this was before he started bullying Meg.

Oscar wanted someone to cut his eggs.

“Cut my eggs!” He demanded.

A butler cut his eggs.

“Your eggs are cut sir.” said the butler.

“Cut my milk!” Oscar demanded holding his glass of milk.

“I can’t sir!” said the butler.

“Why not?!” Oscar snapped.

“Because it’s liquid sir.” said the butler.

“Imbecile! Freeze it then cut it! And if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper changing duty and I swear I won’t make it easy for you!” Oscar shouted.

“Oscar stop that!” Marge old him off.

“Hey fellas here’s a hundred bucks each if you fight to the death.” said Bart bribing the butlers. Suddenly Star Trek music played as they grabbed the nearest weapon and started fighting each other.

“Cooooool!” said Bart.

“Oh my Lord!” Marge gasped.


Meanwhile Mr Burns did various tests such as having a blood test. He had no blood to give. A breathing test. His lips got stuck in the tube. Walking up and down an escalator.

“I’m a big boy!” he said like a child. XD Mr Burns!

Then he got lodged in the x ray machine.

“Well here’s your problem.” said a mechanic opening the machine to show Mr Burns crushed and mangled inside.

Elsewhere Homer was invited to a poker tournament by Bill Gates and Michael Eisner of Disney.

Homer, Bill Gates, Michael Eisner and Ted Turner were playing what appeared to be stud poker.

“I got an ace.” said Homer.

“They go both ways.” Bill Gates explained.

“Like a bisexual...” said Ted Turner chewing a tooth pick.

“Thank you Ted. That was the joke...” said Michael Eisner.

“Hey, at least I own Screwy Squirrel!” said Ted Turner.

“That’s right! I’m nuts! Blblblblb! Ding dong! Ding dong! Whoop whoop whoop! (And more crazy sounds)” said Screwy Squirrel before making faces and silly noises.

Plot 3

“I err... do not get that...” Stewie Griffin was confused.

Oscar face palmed. “Ted Turner bought the rights to Screwy Squirrel off of the estate of the late Tex Avery and revived Screwy as part of the Detective Droopy show. Except Screwy is now Screwball Squirrel and he wears a red sweater and a Captain Screwy hat.” said Oscar.

The Griffins in their episode were invited to an auction so the Simpsons and the Rugrats went too. See the episode where Chaz is rich.

“Also Chuckie is Bart.” said Oscar.

“Oz! I did not voice Chuckie then!” Bart groaned.

A vase was auctioned.

“That vase would look beautiful in Lois’s crapper.” said Peter as Thaddeus Griffin. A posh lady glared at him for being crude. “I mean Crapier...” he corrected himself to speak posh.

“Yes! It is simply gorgeous!” said the posh lady. “Gerald get me that vase!” She snapped at her husband.

People bidded.

“I bid, one million dollars!” said Peter as Thaddeus doing a Dr Evil finger gesture as Austin Powers trumpets played.

“Dude enough of the movie references...” Bart groaned.

“Mr Griffin you are the most generous man since Ted Turner.” said a auction staff giving him his vase.

“I feel like I am giving the whole world a wonderful gift! The gift of Screwy Squirrel!” said Ted Turner.

Screwy squirrel ran around causing utter mayhem and clobbering people with a wooden mallet.

“You sure are Ted!” said Oscar shaking his hand.

“Tex Avery must be rolling in his grave... he killed Screwy off because he was too Screwy.” said Hugo.


In the library Brian was lecturing Peter out of his posh phase he put him into with a Star Wars drinking glass.

“In a way I created you! I am your father!” said Brian. The imperial Death March theme plays.

“No! No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!” Peter yelled hiding his arm hiding up his sleeve.

“Damn it Peter snap out of it!” said Brain.

“Noooooooo!” Peter screamed.

“Coooool! Star Wars!” Oscar cooed eating popcorn s he watched them.

“You’re getting him out of his posh phase? I’m still trying to get my dad into it!” said Hugo.

Hugo had Homer wired up to an electric torture machine that would zap him at certain conditions.

“On the left is a TV is playing episodes of Frasier on loop. The TV on the right is playing Ricki Lake. Dad, if you so much as look at the TV on the right you will be shocked by 10,000 volts.” Hugo explained.

“Aaaaaghh!” Homer screamed getting a shock. “Okay I get it.”

“Good. I will return in a few hours.” said Hugo leaving.

Homer reluctantly watched Frasier.

“I say dear brother, Nancy Cartwright has decided to visit as our guest appearance this episode!” sailed Niles.

“Nancyyyyyyy!” Frasier Crane yelled angrily.

“Ay Carumba! Dr Crane! Aaaaaaagh!” Nancy screamed as the Sideshow Bob theme played.

Homer rolled his eyes.

Sometime later.

“Blast! My plans to murder Nancy Cartwright foiled once again!” Frasier groaned.

“Eat my shorts live action Sideshow Bob!” said Nancy.

“Cheer up brother, here’s some delicious caviar.” said Niles.


The kids were bored and mucking about during a social meeting of grownups chatting and drinking.

Angelica Pickles tried some caviar, found it disgusting and spat it out into a plant pot. When Chuckie was walking past she scooped up the spat out caviar and soil from the plant pot onto a cracker.

“Hey Chuckie. Want some caviar...?” Angelica asked him.

“Uh... I don’t think that’s caviar...” said Chuckie.

“Eat my shorts Chuckie!” said Oscar.

Chuckie grimaced at him. “I’m not voiced by Nancy yet! I don’t get that reference...”

“Fine... Dee Dee! Get out of my laboratory!” said Oscar.

“Hehehe! It’s true! I do voice a lot of ginger haired boys with glasses...” Chuckie giggled.

“And girl ducks...” said Oscar grinning.


Then posh Homer with a Snidley Whiplash moustache wanted to throw a boozy party for his friends at a Moe’s one early afternoon but it was a Sunday so no drinking allowed to two PM.

“Havin' a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.” said posh Homef.

”How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?.” Moe suggested.

“Mmm. Danish.” Homer moaned and drooled.

”Now Homer Unser American law, on a Sunday I can’t serve you until 2pm!”

Homer whined. “But I wanna be drunk now...”

“Or if you go out to sea past international waters there are no laws! You can do whatever you want there! That’s how they got Drederick Tatum to fight a bull!” said Moe.

“Yeah that fight was cool.” said Homer.

Homer was then in Mr Burns’s steam room racking up his phone bill by ringing Thailand.

“Uh huh? That is some crazy language you have there Thailand.” said Homer.

“Homer! Don’t rack up Mr Burns’s phone bill! Look I know you like living as a billionaire but don’t get too attached! Mr Burns will be home soon!”

“I know that’s why the guys and I are throwing one last party!” said Homer.

“No no no! No parties!” Marge explained.

“What about part-ays?” Homer asked.

“No parties! No part-ays! No hoo hahs! No shindigs!” Marge listed and counted.

“You’re boring...” said Homer.


Homer and his friends tried to commandeer Mr Burns’s yacht. Marge tried to stop them and got pushed into the sea.

They sailed off scratching the boat against a rock a long the way.

“Well done Mr Lenny.” said Homer.


At the mansion Marge was in the laboratory polishing things such as life support jars of bubbling liquid with Baby Mr Burns clones in them.

“What the?!” Marge asked while polishing them.

“Meh... probably one of old man Burns’s mad science experiments.” said Hugo dressed as a scientist and wearing Bart’s glasses as he mixed chemicals together.

On the boat Bart, Homer and Homer’s friends had a monkey knife fight, broke the space time continuum by crossing over with the boat Sea Captain, Bart and the old folk were on. Making an anomaly with two Barts.

He turned into a visceroid like that guy did in Timecop when he combined with himself.

“Oh my god!” Homer screamed in horror.

The monkeys fought and one screeched in pain. Everyone winced.

“Oh, he ain’t so pretty no more...” said Moe.

Then Bart and Homer taunted the sea police of America and then danced and sung the doo doo doo! Song to the sea police’s bad guitar music.

And then Chinese pirates attacked. Sadly not the video piracy ones but actual pirates that just happened to be Asian.

“Awwww! I wanted them to “Pirate” Shrek for me...” Oscar whined.

Bart winced.

Homer stammered.

”Are you friendly pirates?”

”No. not really.” said the pirate chief.

Homer whimpered.

They got put in a net to be fed to sharks. Including the cute baby shark from Code Name Kids Next Door.

The baby shark from KND gurgled and pointed to his mouth.

“Aaaaaw! He thinks he’s an unstoppable killing machine!” Oscar cooed.

Otto whined about not getting any cantaloupe.

“Eh... it’s not so great... you’re not missing much...” said Krusty.

And as in The Old Man and the C Student. Oscar saves the day with some good old fashioned swashbuckling.

The baby shark cried when he couldn’t eat anyone.

“Fine eat Lenny.” said Oscar. “Gee twenty years from now people across the internet will be singing songs about baby sharks. Sadly not the cute one from KND.”


In the Doctor’s office at the Mayo Clinic the doctor had some grim news. Mr Burns had every illness ever.

“Even hysterical pregnancy?” Mr Burbs asked.

“A little.” said the doctor.

“Help me Danny Devito! I’m pregnant!” said pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as a woman.

“Ay carumba!” Danny Devito gasped.

“This seems awful! Am I dying?” Nd Burns asked the doctor.

“On the contrary.” said the doctor. “You see with this demonstration, this door is your body and these oversized novelty germs are diseases like typhoid, leprosy and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer. Now watch what happens when they all try to enter your body at once.” The doctor tries to shove the fuzz balls with googly eyes into the door of Mr Burns’s body while making three stooges sounds “whoop whoop whoop! Move it chowder head!”

“We call this three stooges syndrome.” said the doctor.

“So I am basically indestructible?” said Mr Burns overjoyed.

“Oh no! The slightest breeze could-“ said the doctor.

“Indestructible...” Mr Burns said to himself.


Homer and Bart somehow got back to the mansion from their party at sea with Mr Burns’s monkey Furious George. Who was now badly injured from a knife fight.

“Homer! What have you done to Mr Burns’s monkey?” Marge gasped.

“Got him into a monkey knife fight.” said Homer.

“Coooool! Mr Burns has a monkey?” said Hugo dressed as a mad scientist wearing glasses.

Lisa had nothing to contribute to the conversation except political soap boxing and animal abuse tantrums about the cruelty of making animals fight for entertainment.

“And we encountered pirates! Arrrrr!” said Oscar enthusiastic.

“Wooooo... pirates... how exciting Oz...” Lisa sighed.

Then Mr Burns arrived.

The Simpsons gulped.

He was examining the mansion.

”Paintings in order. Vault has not been purloined. Tsk who helped themselves to my whiskey?!”

Homer whimpered.

”Tv left on!?” A TV was on.

”I have decided in my generosity to colourise the moon...” said Ted Turner saying he coloured the moon in bright colours...

Mr Burns gasped. “Why is there a crack in my Solarium window?!”

Marge was mortified.

Mr Burns gasped again.

”Furious George! What have they done to you?!“ Furious George has been badly injured in a monkey knife fight. “Smithers call the animal hospital! And this monkey will need most of your skin...”

Smithers sighed.


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