Simpsons Fanon

The Falcon and the D’ohman Homer makes friends with the new security guard at work, (Kiefer Sutherland) but unfortunately he had a tough and dangerous past as a CIA agent and is prone to violently defending himself when he has flashbacks. Meanwhile Marge joins a cookery competition on TV.


There is a short scene of Comic Book Guy in his back office discussing with us, the fans the Nedna situation with Ned and Edna from last season’s finale.

“Good evening fanboys and fan girls.” said Comic Book Guy dryly. “Tonight we will reveal to you the fate of Nedna.” Comic Book Guy sighed. “Meanwhile I will be taking on the more meaningful task of salvaging Mr Popper’s Penguins online!”

We cut to Jim Carey in a mansion with lots of penguins squawking and waddling. “I’m Jim Carey and I’m in a movie about penguins!”

Comic book Guy sighed and went “Feh!” “Anyway the answer to Ned and Edna’s fate lies deep within tonight’s episode! Like a bread crumb lodged in my stomach crease. Enjoy.” said Comic Book Guy. “Losers...”

The opening credits start. The title gag is Otto sliding down a rainbow with the angry leprechaun from Treehouse of Horror XII and some Care Bears.

The episode opens with Walking on the moon by the Police being sung. Personally I prefer Every Breath you take by the Police because it sounds creepy in a stalker sort of way.

Homer is sneaking in late to work while trying to find a parking spot. Lenny has taken up one with his barbecue and is cooking. Homer manages to find one and parks up. He turns off the ignition and locks his car as the cameras pan out to reveal he has parked in a disabled bay. A co worker in a wheelchair yells at him. “Hey!”

“Homer sings a little song about sneaking in at noon to the tune of Singing in the bath tub from a Bugs Bunny short.

“Quiet steps I take, sneaking in at noon!”

“Just in time for my lunch break. Got my fork and spoon!”

“Time the cameras just right. Duck in the bathroom!”

“Hi Homer!” said Barney somehow being at Homer’s place of work. I’m pretty sure Barney is unemployed or does odd jobs.

“Hi Barney.” said Homer.

Homer left the men’s bathroom.

“Man imagine how hilarious that would have been if I had to escape the security camera by diving into the women’s bathroom!” Homer said chuckling.

“I’m still drunk from last night,” Homer sings. “Got driven home...”

“I don’t know by whom...”

“Some might say, I don’t deserve to get pay.”

“But hey, I came up with 60s day, last May!”

Homer came to the punch clock. He adjusted the clock to when he should have been in and punched in. “Might as well pre punch out.” He adjusted the clock to home time. “Hmmmm, we have had a lot of bills lately, and Narrator is not helping by giving me more kids to look after...” said Homer adjusting clock. “I better claim for some overtime “ Homer set the clock a few hours over home time and punched out as if he had been working late.

Homer then entered a security lobby that had not been there before in older episodes. Might explain Oscar’s numerous break ins. And that time the Alan Rickman guy from Die Hard took over the plant.

“There was a golden plaque labelled “The Oscar Tamaki Security lobby. Built to deter my sworn enemy Oscar Tamaki from further trespassing. C.M. Burns.”

Homer went through the metal detector. The alarms went off. The new security guard checked him over.

“Hi Larry-Wait you’re not Larry! Why are you not Larry?” Homer asked the new guy as he scanned him with a metal detector.

“I wouldn’t know why...” said the new guy. And Matt why would a security guard address fellow colleagues as Sir....

The Metal detector made a shrill alarm at Homer’s groin.

“Um I have no idea why my crotch is metal.” said Homer.

“Eh go on in...” said the security guard.

Then Jaws from James Bond arrived. When he went through the scanner the alarms went off. The security guard took him aside and scanned him. The metal detector went off when it scanned his face.

Jaws smiled at the security guard exposing his metal teeth to him. The security guard was horrified.

Homer was making a fuss in the security lobby as he called for Larry. “Larry? Larry.... Larry where are you?”

This annoyed The guest star Kiefer Sutherland as a new security guard sat at a desk monitoring the cameras.

“Larry’s gone. He retired, permanently from radiation poisoning.” said the new security guard Wayne.

Homer offered to fist bump with him.

“Um listen, if you could indulge with me, Larry and I would first bump every morning.” said Homer.

“Like so.” Homer bumped his own fists together.

“The warmth of human contact with the whiff of manly violence.” said Homer. “Eh?”

“No. Not interested.” said Wayne.

“Whaaaaa?!” Homer gasped. “Sheesh!” He went into Sector 7G. Lenny and Carl were inside waiting.

“Hey what’s with this new security guard?! He’s acting all aloof!” asked Homer. “That’s my word today. He’s.”

“I don’t know but Mr Burns’s is really paranoid about that kid that lives with you Homer.” said Carl.

Oscar waltzed in. The alarms all went off and security quickly accosted him.

“Oh nuts.” said Oscar as he was frogmarched out the plant.

“Maybe I was too hard on the new guy. Expecting him to be Larry right away.” said Homer. “Where is Larry anyway?”

“Mental asylum. Violent ward.” said Lenny.

“Ooooh...” said Homer. “The new guy told me he’s sick with radiation poisoning. Good old Larry...”

Homer bothered Wayne again.

“So.... um Wayne... I’ve noticed your breath doesn’t smell of alcohol. Wanna go grab a few beers after work?” Homer asked.

“I prefer not to have social interactions with my co workers. It um, hasn’t worked out well for me in the past...” said Wayne.

“Hmmmmm, maybe he just doesn’t like fist bumps.” said Homer.

A black worker said hi to Wayne. “Hi Wayne.” And got a fist bump from him.

“As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped!” said Homer holding his fist up in the air.

“Put that fool thing down!” said the black co worker annoyed and offended.

“Black power! Black power!” Oscar yelled off screen.


Meanwhile Marge in a chef’s hat and white jacket was on a cookery show.

Master Chef: Extreme Snack edition!

The title card had the evil French chef who tried to kill Homer in Guess Who’s coming to criticise Dinner? Making a cake while wearing a belt of machine gun bullets and leering at the camera evilly.

“Oh, my god! Gregg Wallace and John Torode!” said Oscar, fantasizing with pallet swapped clothes. He had a green sweater with blue triangles on because this is a dream.

“Oz, this is Master Chef America.” said Bart as a blender in the Master Chef Kitchen.

“I have no idea who the judges are on that...” said Oscar. I do though!

Marge was finishing a pretentious fancy pants dish. As long as it looks edible and is yummy that’s all that matters to me.

Suddenly Gordon Ramsay, Joe Bastianich, an Italian American Judge who tries to be meaner than Gordon but doesn’t get that Gordon is being harsh to help, not just for the sake of being nasty. And a fat guy with glasses who I think just sneaked in because he heard there was food to eat and judge and he probably blagged he was a food critic just so he could stuff his face.

There was also probably because Marge hasn’t seen Master Chef, or Matt didn’t want to pay for the actual judges to cameo, a bald guy with a soul patch.

“Marge, your ratio to peanut butter and cracker is spot on! And I love the addition of a thin slice of apple.” said Bald soul patch guy. “This was a great plate of food!”

“Why thank you!” said Marge.

“Gordon?” Bald soul patch guy asked the judges.

“Marge this is fucking delicious! It makes my food look like fucking shit!” Gordon swore.

Marge was cross with him. “Mr Ramsay! Watch your language!”

“Marge, this is my thing! I swear! I fucking turn the air fucking blue! Cock! Ass! Dyke! Dick! Fag! Jizz! Pillock! Bollucks! Skank! Bugger! Bitch! Nonce! Slag! Arse! Cunt! Fuck! Piss! Shit! Twat! Hell! Prick! Shite! Frickin' bastard! Slut! Whore! Rimjob! Wankers!” Gordon swore.

Marge sighed and shook her head while Bart was awed by the profanity.

"Gordon Ramsey, you are my idol!" Bart as a talking blender gleamed. "Could you teach every swear word that you know?"


“Joe?” Bald soul patch guy asked.

Joe Bastianich laughed evilly. “Bwahahahaha! You’re food sucks! Even though I am not qualified to to be a food critic because I’ve never tried Haggis, Sausage rolls or any other national food except my native Italian cuisine!” Seriously the guy is a judge on Master Chef and he openly admits he never had Haggis or sausage rolls before, to contestants who respectively served a salmon and Haggis en croute and a spicy Italian sausage roll with a posh tomato salsa. Then he said he didn’t like them out of petulant “It’s something I’ve never tried before so it’s yucky!” Why did they hire him?!

Marge sighed disappointed.

“Joe, you fucking donkey! That wasn’t very nice or helpful to Marge! Did you even try her snacks you fucking idiot sandwich!?” Gordon yelled.

“Um... you fat guy with glasses inhaling Marge’s snacks like Kirby, what do you think? Although why are you even here?! This is a closed set! How did you get past security?!” Bald soul patch guy asked.

Fat guy finished inhaling Marge’s peanut butter and apple slice cracker things like Kirby. “They were yummy.”

“They were yummy?! This is a professional cooking show and all you can say is that they were yummy?!” Bald soul patch guy yelled.

“Well I liked them. That’s praise isn’t it?” Fat glasses guy asked.

“Get off my set!” Bald soul patch guy yelled.

Fat glasses guy was escorted off set by security.

“Marge Simpson. You were fantastic!” said Bald soul patch guy.

“Why thank you! This is my third favourite reality cooking show!” said Marge. What a bitch...

“Your prize is a brand new kitchen. Which I will now become!” said Bald soul patch guy as he painfully transformed like a Transforner into a kitchen around Marge. Obviously this is a dream...

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” (Transformers transformation sounds) “I miss my soul patch...” said the kitchen.


Marge suddenly woke up in the kitchen from her Day dream as she was holding a dish of peanut butter and apple slice cracker snacks. Her kids were waiting because presumably she called them in to try them.

She sighed from her weird dream.

“Kids, enjoy your extreme snacks!” said Marge laying a tray of the peanut butter and apple slice cracker snacks on the kitchen table that Bart, Lisa and Hugo were sat at.

They tried the snacks.

“Wait, something tastes different...” said Bart.

“There’s a slice of apple in each.” said Marge.

“Gross!” Bart gagged.

“You know I hate surprises!” Lisa explained, annoyed.

We cut to Lisa being guided in the darkened living room one evening by Grampa. He removes her blindfold.

“Surprise!!” Everyone pops out and yells with party poppers and horns and balloons.

“Aaaaaaaaaagh!” Lisa screamed and ran to her room.

“Okay... she didn’t take that well...” said Homer.


Back in reality.

“You tricked us!” said Bart annoyed.

“I like routine! I like routine!” Lisa ranted.

”Hey! Do not use that card! That is an insult to autism!” Oscar yelled at Lisa.

Hugo took the tray of snacks and threw them across the kitchen angrily. He had been learning how to respond to food he disliked from DW off of Arthur.

The three Simpson kids stormed off.

Marge sighed.

Homer came in and sat at the kitchen table with her.

“Did you have a hard day too?” Marge asked him.

“Yeah. A new guy at work doesn’t seem to like me...” said Homer.

“Oh goodness! Not another Frank Grimes...” Marge sighed.

“Well, he won’t fist bump with me. I miss Larry..” said Homer.

Marge stroked him comforting him.

“Well I guess it’s not as important when you look at the real problems in the world like Major League Umpires not using the instant replay button....” said Homer.

“It’s big to you dear!” said Marge.

“Oh thanks sweetie!” said Homer snuggling with his wife and kissing.

“Would you like a get well pork chop?” Marge asked her husband.

“Oh, I love you so much! Potatoes and gravy on the side, please!” said Homer, as Marge got from the fridge a plate with a pork chop and mash potatoes and gravy on it.

Homer delighted kissed his wife and ate the meal gluttonously.

Oscar came in with a big swollen purple black eye.

“Oh my! Sweetie! What happened!?” Marge hugged him.

“Mr Burns’s new security guards. Honestly, the guys really paranoid! I wasn’t even there to assassinate him! I was just visiting!” said Oscar.

“Ooooooh! Homer, your boss has gone too far! Again!” said Marge. Homer was too busy eating.

“Sweetie, would you like a get well pork chop?” Marge asked Oscar.

“Uh...” Oscar replied, as she fetched out a cold raw chop.

“Uh... didn’t Myth Crackers bust that and explained it is really unhygienic to wear a raw slab of meat on your black eye?” asked Oscar, as Marge placed the raw chop over his swollen purple black eye.

“Um... we’re a cartoon.” Marge pointed out.

“With mostly realistic outcomes...” said Oscar. “In reality, it is safer and more hygienic to wear a bag of frozen peas on my eye...”

Marge sighed.

Plot 2[]

At the plant at home time. It is raining badly with grey skies and is generally miserable. Pollution apparently causes rain clouds over the plant the fumes are coming from.

“Charlie, wanna grab a couple beers?” Homer asked Charlie the glasses guy.

“Naaaah... I got tipsy last night and answered a telephone survey. “I asked them to call back tonight for more accurate answers...” said Charlie in a squeaky nerd voice.

“Okay...” said Homer.

Homer drove home.


Suddenly the pirated copy cut to a flash game where you can be Bart Skateboarding down the street!

“Narrator stop pirating and watch the episodes legally!” Bart yelled as a sloppy player guided him skating on his green skateboard down the street.

Never! Matt is rich enough to allow episodes to be uploaded to YouTube!

Homer is driving when he sees Wayne.

“Wayne!” He gasps with joy.

He pulls up because Wayne is walking in the rain.

“Wanna ride?” Homer asked.

“I can walk.” said Wayne.

Suddenly hail stones rain down. Wayne pulls up his coat determined to walk home. The sidewalk ahead is fenced off. He sighs. “Fine Homer. You win...” he gets in Homer’s car.

“Hey you know I got chills when you said my name!” said Homer as he drove Wayne about.

Wayne muttered about something.

“Look, I’m not weird. I just like to be friends with everyone!” said Homer.

“Homer, you’re a nice guy. I’ll have one drink with you. But then we will have a courteous but professional relationship! No secret Santa! No trading our lunches!” Wayne explained. Homer cut in. “And I don’t want to be called at night to turn on the channel six news!”

“But what if the weather girl is really...” Homer asked.

“I don’t care!” said Wayne annoyed.

They go to Moe’s.

In Moe’s.

“Wow! I can’t believe Homer bagged the tiger!” said Lenny as the bar was mildly lively with just the regular barflies. Plus Wayne.

“Excuse me, I need to use the-“ said Wayne.

“Men’s room!” Homer yelled. “Oh my god! We’re completing each other’s... completing each other’s sen...”

“Homer he’s not gonna do it...” said Moe as Wayne went to the bathroom.

After Wayne went everyone sat and drank or chattered. Suddenly Snake Jailbird bursted in through the door on a motorcycle. “Surprising entrance! Ha ha!”

For some reason he was the villain for the first part of the episode as he decided to rob everyone at gun point.

“Hand over all your cash and jewels! Nobody try to be a hero!” said Snake.

Everyone handed over their valuables. Carl handed over medals.

“Ugh really now! You’re the black guy and you have Olympic medals! That is such a stereotype!” said Snake.

“I’m all about looking after my body and athletics.” said Carl. “If Our creator Matt wanted to be play stereotypes, I’d be the one robbing not you.”

“Touché!” said Snake taking his medals.

Moe was getting something from behind the bar. “Just getting all the cash, don’t wanna be no hero... just sorting out the Presidents by heads... oh...” Snake found him loading his shotgun. “Here you go.

“Awesome! Thanks for the upgrade!” said Snake putting his handgun away and brandishing the shotgun.

Wayne was spying from the men room.

He karate kicked Snake knocking him over and stunning him. Cooool!

“Wow!” awed Homer.

“Homer stay back! I know what I am doing!” said Wayne.

“We all know what we are doing. The truth is, when is it an appropriate time to do it?” said Lenny.

“Ugh! Drunks... you are so boring...” said Snake, cocking Moe’s shotgun. Wayne shoved the snooker triangle on him, restraint him and forcing the shotgun to shoot upwards. Through Moe’s ceiling fresco, that was suddenly there.

“My fresco! That’s coming out of your stealings!” Moe yelled at Snake.

Wayne shoved the egg jar on Snake’s head and smacked him with a bar stool shattering the egg jar. Cooooool! Snake lied unconscious.

“Wow! Wayne maybe it’s my blood pumping with excitement from you saving our lives but you did great!” said Homer thanking Wayne.

“I’m just a man that saw what needed to be down and took action.” said Wayne calmly.

“Well we better get these eggs back in a jar. Come on guys help.” said Moe. All the barflies gathered up the eggs spilt everywhere as Moe fetched a fresh jar and filled it with beer.

However Snake regained consciousness and got up pointing his gun to shoot someone. Likely Wayne for beating him up.

However Wayne saw him in the reflections of the shiny eggs. Wayne threw an egg down Snake’s throat. Knowing what happened to that health inspector, it probably poisoned him instantly.

“Wow! That’s furthest one of my eggs has gone down some guy’s throat!” said Moe. Retrieving the swallowed egg and returning it to the jar. Eeeeew! “Except that time my long term health inspector who is friendly and turns a blind eye to my rat infested bar died after eating one of my pickled eggs.”


Homer had Wayne round for dinner.

“Hmmmm... feels nice having a home cooked meal for once.” said Wayne eating.

“Well anyone who saves my Homie’s life gets a free meal! Which, um...happens once a week...” said Marge, while Hugo was wolfing down on a bucket of fish heads.

“Woooooow... Wayne how did you learn all those cool self-defense moves?!” Bart asked.

“That’s the spirit.” said Oscar, fist-bumping with Bart while wearing his karate robes.

“I’ve received training. Special training. The kind not allowed to be given anymore...” said Wayne as we imagine the kind of training he received.


Wayne is wearing karate robes and a black belt in a future like facility with metal doors. Suddenly Ninjas attack! He beats up the ninjas. Then a sumo attacked. He picked up and threw the sumo it ha judo throw.

Then Gogo Yaburi from Kill Bill attacked with a flail. He caused it to tie round her neck and choke her.

Then he stuffed his hand in a tank’s gun and the tank blew up.

Then he punched Kobe Bryant in the face. XD

Then he fights Chucky the evil doll.

Then he bicycle kicks Pinhead.

Then he disarms Penguin from Batman and sprays him with his own poison gas umbrella. Then he sprays poisonous gas from the umbrella at angry baseball players. Then a polar bear hugs him.

Wayne, after the dream ends, excuses himself.

“I have to go.”

“But we’re about to have dessert!” said Homer. He bear hugs Wayne. Wayne cries out in pain like he did in the dream and breaks free and runs off.

Then to Homer’s annoyance Ned paid a visit.

“Hi diddly ho neighborino!” said Ned. “Wanna know what’s going on in my life?”

“No!” said Homer rudely.

“I’ve started drinking orange juice with pulp in it!” said Ned. “I asked the reverend if it was okay and he said yes and put the phone down on me. Man he can be cranky at three in the morning.” said Ned.

“Why’d ya think?!” Homer asked exasperated.


At work Wayne came in one day when everyone yelled “Surprise!!” And were holding a surprise party for him. Probably for him saving Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney from an armed robber.

Wayne winced and shied away from the flashing cameras of the paparazzi.

“And here he is!” said Kent Brockman. “This week’s Noble Nobody!”

“What the hell?!” Wayne gasped.

“Wayne Slate here bravely foiled an armed robbery at the local tavern owned by our very own barkeep, Moe Szylack! Here is a Taiwanese animation recounting the night in question.” said Kent.

This news report was broadcasted on the news to homes across Springfield. The Simpsons were at home watching with magic teleporting Homer. You’ll see what I meant by magic teleporting Homer in a sec.

There was a PlayStation 2 Simpsons game playing, possibly Simpsons Hit and Run as a Taiwanese reporter explains badly what happened. Wayne is beating up Snake, An evil Moe is cradling his egg jar and all the men in the bar drank too much. Barney vomits a fountain of beer from alcohol sickness.

“Coooool! I like this new Simpsons Hit and Run game!” said Oscar.

“Awwww... but the graphics are worse than the last game...” Bart sighed at shoddy graphics.

“Still better than Simpsons Road Rage.” said Homer.

“Guys! This is a news report!” Marge sighed exasperated.

“Then the boy came in to collect his father.” said the Taiwanese news reporter as Bart in the PlayStation 2 game arrived to collect Homer.

“I don’t remember doing that...” said Bart.

“And they drove home.” PlayStation 2 Bart and Homer got in Homer’s pink car and drove erratically home, smashing up stuff and earning points for their carnage like in Simpsons Hit and Run or Simpsons Road Rage.

“Coooool! It’s like we’re playing our own video game!” said Bart.

Marge sighed exasperated.


At the plant.

“Please, I have to do my job.” said Wayne pushing past the paparazzi.

“On the contrary Wayne. Because of your noble fisticuffs you have earned the silver safety helmet award!” said Mr Burns.

Medieval trumpets played as a gold carriage arrived. From out of the gold carriage rode a tiny dog pulling carriage pulled by a pug dog and steered by a monkey carriage man. in this small carriage was a silver safety hat. Mr Burns took it and headed towards Wayne to put it on his head.

However Wayne had another of his flash backs.

Wayne was being praised for doing a good job saving the moon.

“Thank you Wayne for saving the visible side of the moon!” said a moustached boss.

“I’m just doing my job sir.” said Wayne.

“Yes, far too well! As per protocol your memory will be erased!” said Wayne’s boss as he got out a memory erasing helmet.

Wayne broke out of the guards who were restraining him and beats them up. Then he grabs the memory erasing helmet and stuffs it on his boss’s head and erases his memories.

In the real world Wayne stuffed the safety helmet violently on Mr Burns’s head and started strangling him!

“Die you fascist bastard!” said Wayne throttling Mr Burns.

“Mother! Is that you?” Mr Burns asked. Either his mother greets him with “Die you fascist bastard!” or he can see her in the afterlife as his life fades.

Suddenly Homer magically teleported from home.

“Wayne no! That’s the boss Mr Burns!” said Homer. “Wait what do I care! He’s always mean to me! And how the hell did I get here when I was at home watching the news?!”

Matt sighed and snapped his fingers. Homer teleported back home.

Guards pulled Wayne off of Mr Burns. And some, after a prompt from Smithers, helped Mr Burns to his feet.

“That’s it! Insolence is one thing, but rank insolence?! Off with his job!” said Mr Burns.

“Um you’re fired Wayne.” Smithers explained.

“Oooooh geez...” Wayne sighed as Security guards dragged him off somewhere.

“How did I even get to the plant from home anyway?” Homer asked.

“Um I don’t know.” said Oscar.

“Oh no! Poor Wayne.” said Lisa.

“Well, now it will make sense for me to suddenly be at the plant and not two places at once...” said Homer as he got his coat on to pick up Wayne.

Plot 3[]

Wayne was at his locker gathering his stuff.

“I’m sorry about what happened Wayne. You can stay over at my house until you get back on your feet.” said Homer.

“Really? That’s very kind of you Homer!” said Wayne.

“Hey you’ll soon find a new job!” said Homer.

“Well... I don’t know Homer. I have no home of my own, no resume... a mysterious past...” said Wayne.

“Let’s focus on what you do have!” said Homer.

“I have reoccurring nightmares and flashbacks to a dark, bleak past.” said Wayne.

“Oh! Well I have reoccurring nightmares and flash forwards to a dark, bleak future!” said Homer.

In the far and distant future Terminators have enslaved or killed humanity!

“Those robots have took our jobs!” said Lenny.

“Death to the robots!” said Homer.

The Terminator turns round menacingly.

“Um... it was him...” said Homer pointing to Lenny. Lenny was vaporised by a laser. “Or maybe him.” Homer points to Carl. Carl is vaporised. “Wow this robot really gets me...” said Homer.

The dream ends.

“My nightmares are about things that actually happened...” said Wayne.

“Your voice is so gravelly... just like Lauren Bacall’s...” said Homer.

Wayne looked at Homer as if he had three heads.


That night Wayne was sleeping in a sleeping bag in Bart’s treehouse. However he was having nightmares and screaming things.

“If you don’t listen to me Senator, there’s not gonna be a Fourth of July!”

“Don’t you get it?! He used the governor’s eyeball for a retina scan!”

“That’s ten members of the electoral college dead in one day!”

Over Wayne’s screaming Marge and Homer are kept awake concerned.

And Ned and Edna. Edna winks at the camera. Um I think that was the Easter egg to the last episode that started this Nedna thing...

And even Dr Hibbert and Bernice were kept awake.

“If you don’t give me those launch codes, you won’t be able to make the Okay sign ever again!” Wayne screamed.

“I know the map is tattooed on the inside of your eyelids! I will turn them inside out if I have to!”

More residents of Springfield are woken up by Wayne’s screaming. Mayor Quimby and his girlfriend whom he is cheating on his wife with.

“And even Barney is disturbed from his drunken slumber by the screaming and has to put beer bottles in his ears to sleep.

If you move that little top hat to St James’s Place we’ll all be blown to kingdom come!”

“Bring me every fish in that aquarium! One of them is lying!”

“Okay!” said Oscar going to fetch the Simpson family’s pet fish from their aquarium.


The next morning Wayne was having a morning coffee with Homer and Marge and apologizing for screaming all night.

“I have done some terrible things all over the world from Buenos Aires to Ukraine.” said Wayne.

“Oh I’ve been all over the world too! And I’ve caused my fair share of trouble!” said Homer.

“Yeah um thanks Homer. That really helps...” said Wayne.

Wayne finished his coffee and decided to get ready for the day and maybe hand out his resume.

After Homer left to get ready Marge sighed as I am doing her story arc now. She sighed softly wondering what had gone wrong with her peanut butter and apple slice cracker snacks? “The kids have always loved my food! What gives?!” she asked. “Ooooooh! Now I’ll never get that place on Master Chef... help me imaginary bald soul patch guy!”

Bald soul patch guy appeared in a dream cloud. “Marge I’m not a judge on Master Chef, or even the host! Do you even watch the show?! The judges are Gordon Ramsay, Joe Bastianich and uh that fat guy with glasses who is only there for the free food...“

Bart, Lisa and Hugo were spying on Mom.

“Man we’re horrible... Mom worked her hardest on those snacks and we were so petty...” said Bart feeling sorry for her.

“Yeah we were so mean and ungrateful! Especially me! I had no reason to yell at her like that!” said Lisa disappointed in herself.

“Well, to be fair Bart’s reason amounted to childish ‘Ugh! It’s got fruit in it! Yuck!’ Lisa’s I don’t know what you were yelling about but you were trying to pull the Aspie ‘I need routine! I hate change!’ card. And I uh... was just being a brat...” said Hugo.

“We all owe Mom an apology. Now.” said Lisa.

The three Simpson kids went in the kitchen to speak to their mom.

“Oh it’s America’s finest food critics... what do you want...” said Marge bitterly.

“Look, Mom... we’re really sorry we were so rude about your peanut butter and apple slice cracker snacks... you put a lot of work into them. And actually they were rather nice....” said Bart.

“Really?” Marge lightened up. “You’re not just pulling my leg?”

“No, we mean it! I’m sorry I let my selfish and bratty dislike of fruit cloud my judgement.” said Bart.

“And I’m sorry for being needlessly fussy.” said Lisa. “Surprises are fun sometimes, I suppose.”

“And I’m sorry for throwing the tray of them across the kitchen in a tantrum...” Hugo apologized.


The kids were then in the lounge with Wayne. He was teaching them submission holds and self defence.

“Now Lisa, if you hold Bart’s elbow just here and squeeze he will tell you anything!” said Wayne.

Lisa holding Bart’s arm in a submission hold squeezed his elbow.

“Ow! Okay! I admit it! I let Milhouse lie in your bed!” Bart whined.

We cut up to Lisa’s bedroom. Milhouse is lying on her bed. “Aaaaaaah..l my sweet Lisa...” he sighed. Then he looked about Lisa’s stuff. “Wow she really likes dolls! And soft toys and The Happy Little Elves! Wow we have so much in common!”

Marge came into the lounge with Maggie. “Kids, May I have a private word with Wayne...”

“Repeat back everything you heard back to me later in rattle code!” said Bart to Maggie.

Maggie shook her rattle.

“What ya mean, no?!” Bart replied annoyed.

Maggie shook her rattle.

“Fine! I’ll find a spy who will!” said Bart. He could hear Eric toddling about and stumbling as he was trying to learn to walk. Bart picked up the blue haired baby that was his baby brother. “Okay champ listen up. I want you to listen in on... (Incoherent whispers) ... and repeat what you heard back in rattle code. Capiche?”

Eric shook his rattle once.

“Good! That’s my boy!” said Bart hugging his baby brother and putting him down on the carpet near Marge and Wayne as they were speaking.

“Wayne, I don’t want you teaching my kids self defense moves or interrogation techniques!” said Marge.

“Okay. I’m sorry Marge.” said Wayne.

“That’s okay. You apologized. Now could you teach me some driving skills?”


At the shops Marge was in her orange car with Wayne in a queue behind Helen’s car and Helen was behind Manjula’s and waving at her. Marge suddenly drove her car over Helen’s and took a parking space.

“Hehehehe! We’ll see who gets their pick up pizza pockets!” Marge laughed.

Wayne gave her a very concerned look.


At School cafeteria, Bart is getting his lunch when Dolph grabs him.

“Hey, doofus! Give us your lunch money!” said Dolph.

Scary music played as Bart held him in a submission hold, an arm lock or half Nelson and snapped his arm with a painful crack! Dolph cried out in pain. Kerney tried to punch Bart in retaliation, but Bart intercepted his punch and snapped his arm too.

Jimbo was scared. “What gives, man!? Where did you learn that stuff?!”

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you!” said Bart menacingly. “Can I tell ya?” He asked eagerly.

“No! I won’t listen!” said Jimbo putting globs of mashed potato in his ears and running off.

“Chalmers, we need more variety in the cafeteria food. I’ve served so much of same stuff this week that the students have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears!” said Lunch Lady Doris.

Jimbo ran past screaming with mashed potatoes in his ears.

“I believe you, Doris.” said Superintendent Chalmers.


At home Lisa was in the lounge with Grampa. Lisa was playing the Apprentice theme on her Saxophone.

Wayne came in triggered by a memory of that song. “Oh no! That song!”

“I know! It’s the Apprentice theme tune!” said Oscar. He was right but in referencing that use of that song as a TV show theme tune he annoyed Lisa.

“Oz!” Lisa yelled. “Yes that’s the Apprentice theme tune as you know it, but the original piece is Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights from Act 2 of Romeo and Juliet! God! Get into some high brow culture!” Lisa snapped annoyed.

“Um I’m trying to have a flashback to my nightmarish past here...” said Wayne.

“Oh sorry Mr Slater.” said Lisa.

Wayne has a flashback at a dinner party in a palace in Ukraine. A band is playing Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights/The Apprentice theme tune. Suddenly someone starts a gun duel with a Ukrainian gangster who is important to the plot later as the main antagonist.

Then a maitre D arrives with a canapé dish under a metal cover. However when he removes the cover there aren’t any canapés but several guns! The party guests take guns and start a high octane gun fight! Cooool!

A chandelier falls but the bullets shred it Ito tiny crystals that harmlessly fall around a waiter the chandelier was about to crush.

Then Wayne came in to the party and pointed his gun.

In the present Wayne was standing pointing a gun at Lisa. Coooool!

“It’s okay Wayne, no one would blame you if you pulled the trigger...” said Oscar.

“Oscar!” Lisa yelled.

“Whoa! Oz! That was too far!” Bart said angry with Oscar for wanting his sister to be shot.

“Aaaaagh! It’s no good! I can’t live in the real world anymore!” Wayne cried and fled.

“This is the real world?! Hot diggity! I’m still alive! And I’ll appreciate every moment of it!” said Grampa. “Eh... the real world sucks... Zzzzzzzz!” He added and snored as he fell asleep.

Lisa sighed and played the Apprentice theme tune again.

“Oh no! Now I’m having a flashback to a nightmarish past!” said Oscar having a flashback.

In the flashback he was on the Apprentice with an alligator in a suit, an Indian/Asian lady, Katie Hopkins, yes that Katie Hopkins, Steve McQueen from the Great Escape and a Guy squawking like a reverse pterodactyl and flailing his arms about like an idiot while Donald Trump was trying to have a serious conversation with his candidates over who would be fired that week.

Pterodactyl Guy squawks loudly and flails his arms about.

“Sit down! I am trying to have a serious boardroom meeting here!” Donald Trump yelled.

Pterodactyl man sat down.

“Now this week, I am most disappointed in... Katie Hopkins. You’re fired.” said Donald Trump. Katie got picked.

“Mr Trump is quite frankly too orange to be taken seriously!” said Katie Hopkins storming out of the meeting.

The dream ended with Bart clapping sarcastically.

“Wow Oz, you managed to make a joke about Donald Trump’s Tango tan years before he becomes meme worthy...” said Bart sarcastically.

“In Blighty we don’t get the future president and that guy that told Kevin in Home Alone 2 where the lobby is on the Apprentice. We get Sir Alan Sugar.” said Oscar. He wasn’t Lord Sugar at the time this episode was new.

“Oz, stop making stupid references and disturbing Lisa from her clarinet!” said Homer.

“Dad, it’s a saxophone...” said Lisa.

“Um yes Sweetie a saxomophone. Now as I was saying, Oz stop making stupid references and go and play with the mutant in the attic!” said Homer.

“Stop calling Hugey that! His name is Hugo!” Oz yelled and stormed off.

Plot 4[]

Wayne was in the kitchen being reassured by Marge over his flashbacks.

“Wayne why did you move to Springfield in the first place? I mean there’s nothing to really do here and the drinking water is horribly polluted!” said Marge.

"Thanks to Mr. Burns dumping the toxic waste." Lisa muttered softly.

“Well Marge, I came here to lay low. To find somewhere uncharted, not on any map.” said Wayne. “In my old job as a CIA agent I had made a lot of enemies.”

“Oh yeah they couldn’t find a Google Earth image that didn’t have me naked or urinating in it...” said Homer.

“And when the cartographers were due to draw a map of Springfield they all caught Lou Gehrig’s Disease!” said Marge.

Wayne looked at her confused like what she said was stupid.

“Oh no Wayne. It’s not that Lou Gehrig’s disease. There’s another...” Homer quickly explained.

“Anyway I’m sure once I get a new job where I don’t accidentally try to assault my boss because something triggered my flashbacks I’ll be able to settle down for once. I’m sure my many enemies won’t find me here...” said Wayne.

Meanwhile in Chicken Kiev, Ukraine.

“Oscar! No!” Bart sighed.

“Mmmmmm! Former soviet chicken...” Oscar drooled.

There was a Ukrainian gangster browsing YouTube. “Cat videos... young people for some moronic reason getting famous just by video blogging... Beyoncé confirms she will play at my daughter’s sweet 16th... (Hey Yakiv, how about you force her to divorce Jay Z and marry me? Mmmmmmmm! Beyoncé... moans aroused sexually.) Auto tuned disaster victim.

A lady who survived a hurricane or something was auto tuned so her lamenting about her missing cat sounded like singing.

“Hiding in the basement”
“Hiding in the basement”
“And I’m like, where’s the cat?”
“Where’s, where’s the cat?”

“Hmmm, mildly amusing...” said the Ukrainian gangster. “Oh! What’s this! Crazy man attacks boss!”

There is a YouTube video of Wayne strangling Mr Burns.

The Ukrainian gangster gasped. “It’s him!” He hated Wayne for some reason. “The man who murdered my wife!”

There is a dream sequence again at the palace party in Ukraine. Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights/The Apprentice theme tune plays.

We see where Wayne’s flashback ended with him pointing a gun in the direction of someone. That someone was the grey haired Ukrainian gangster fellow except in this dream/flashback he is younger and has black hair. He is in a gun battle with Wayne for some reason. Maybe Wayne was assigned to take him out/assassinate him.

However a woman in evening dress runs between them begging her husband to stop.

“Sofia!” said Ukrainian gangster guy confused by her presence and concerned as Wayne shot at him.

But the bullet went in Sofia and she died.

“Nooooooooo!” Ukrainian gangster guy screamed in slow motion.

The flashback ended.

“You’ll pay for this!” Ukrainian gangster yelled at his computer.

“You wanna give the video no stars, boss?” A gangster asked.

“No. We will go to Springfield, America. And I will kill Wayne Slater! But first, let’s watch the rest of Auto Tuned Disaster Victim!” said Ukrainian gangster guy.

“Here kitty kitty kitty!”
“Here kitty kitty kitty!”
“Oh, you’re an angel now...”

The poor woman...


At Evergreen Terrace Homer was singing while hosing dog poo out of his lawn to Flanders’s house.

“Hosing out the dog poop, hosing out my lawn!” Homer sung.

“Sure beats picking it up...”

“Flanders drive way... is my goal...”

Oscar was doing the same, hosing poop from the lawn towards Flanders and singing about it.

“Hosing out Teddy’s poo poo!”

“Rather he’d use a litter box!”

Teddy, Oscar’s living teddy bear was sniffing the ground with his big wet shiny black nose and going in a circle trying to find somewhere to poo.

Then a scary black car pulled up driven by Ukrainian gangster guy. He asked Homer if he had seen Wayne. Homer lied that Wayne was gone.

“Would any of his friends know where he is?” Ukrainian gangster guy asked.

“Wayne has no friends...” said Homer then he put his foot in it. “Except me.”

Then he stupidly admitted Wayne would certainly come to rescue him if he was being horribly tortured.

Homer was immediately captured and driven off somewhere in front of Lisa, who pulled up on her bike.

"DAD!!!" Lisa shrieked in horror. Fortunately, she used her phone to get a picture the license plate of the vehicle who drove off with her father's captors.

“Ah well, good riddance...” said Oscar, being cruel. "Hey, he’s the cruel one!” Oscar yelled at the fourth wall.


The Simpsons soon get word that Homer has been kidnapped when Kent runs a hostage negotiation video of Homer being held in a dark room by Ukrainian gangsters.

“Death to America!” said Homer.

“Stick to the script...” said a Ukrainian, not a Russian. Transcriptsforeverdreaming thinks they’re Russian! Omg! They’re part of a communist conspiracy to reunite the Soviet Union!

“Our demands are simple. Wayne come to Springfield ice rink and Homer Simpson will be mostly unharmed. Hey! I don’t like this mostly!” said Homer.

“Shut up and read the script!” said a Ukrainian gangster pistol whipping Homer.

“Ow!” Homer cried.

Marge gasped.

“Don’t worry Marge, I know where Homer is. Aside from Homer saying he was at the ice rink, I also planted various tracking chips on him.” said Wayne.

"You know where my dad is?" Lisa asked, hopefully.

“How did you do that?!” Marge asked.

“I left a bowl of them on the table and he ate them...” said Wayne.

Marge sighed.

“Well I can take some joy he is getting a well deserved beating!” said Oscar. Everyone looked at him annoyed. “What? You didn’t see what he was doing to poor Hugo today!”

"I'm going too." Lisa declared. "He is my dad, of course. Besides, I used my phone to get a photo of the license plate of their vehicle. My laptop can translate any foreign language to English. My dad needs me!"

"And so am I!" Bart added.


Wayne went to Little Ukraine. A Ukrainian district in the ethnic quarter. Be passed angry chess players.

“(Saying checkmate! in Slavic/Russian)” said an angry chess player getting a checkmate.

His friend he was playing against angrily and violently swept the chessboard and pieces aside. “(Brilliant! Let’s play again comrade! said in Russian)” he screamed angrily.

Wayne grimaced.

Then a woman tried to sell him puppets. She had puppets and was swinging them about.

“Um no thank you ma’am. I’m not buying anything today.” said Wayne. Then another woman tried to sell him an octopus.

Then he passed a khlav kalash man and his trolley.

“Khlav kalash! Khlav kalash!” said the man. But Wayne wasn’t interested.

Then he passed shops with funny names like Tsarbucks, a Russian Starbucks and Insane in the Ukraine, a mental hospital/lunatic asylum.

“I’d stop to read these quirky shop names but I need to rescue a man Homer.” Wayne declined.

He found the ice rink.

Inside Homer was frozen under the ice rink with only a straw to breathe with while Ukrainian gangsters perform ice skating tricks and pirouettes over him.

Wayne sneaks in and goes stealthily to the prep closet. Inside he finds a t shirt launching gun and loaded it with some t shirts then poured gasoline in it then got out from his cybernetic arm, yes he has a cybernetic arm now, a paraffin lighter and lights the gasoline turning the gun into a fiery projectile launcher.

Then he goes out to the ice rink and shoots the gangsters with flaming t shirts, killing them! Cooool!

Then the Christmas mascots from Kill Gil Vol I and II/Attack of the clowns arrived. Including a snowman, reindeer centaur and the Grumple.

“Get out of here!” Wayne yelled and fired his flaming t shirt gun into the air.

A flaming projectile landed in the Grumple’s eye.

The Grumple screamed in agony. “Agh! My eye! I won a silver medal in the ghetto!”

The mascots left.

Wayne killed the real of the gangsters. Then he used a curling broom to put the fires all around Homer to thaw him.

“Cold! So c c c coooooold!” Homer shivered.

The head gangster guy pointed guns at them both.

“Once again Wayne, you crush my party.” said the gangster.

Homer suddenly hugged him.

“Let go you stupid American!” said gangster guy.

“Please let me feel your warmth!” said Homer freezing from being under the ice.


“Just let me feel under your armpits! Hehehehe!” Homer tickled him.

“Hohohohoho! Stop! Please! I’m ticklish!” The gangster giggled and dropped his guns.

Wayne quickly threw a shard of ice at the gangster’s throat. Killing him instantly.

“Oh my god! Such violence in this world! I’m going back in!” said Homer stupidly going back into the freezing cold water and gurgling.

Wayne rolled his eyes at Homer’s stupidity.


At the Simpsons house the Simpsons were reunited with Homer and Wayne said his goodbyes.

“Now you see why I can’t stay in one place. I can’t settle down anywhere...” said Wayne.

“How about living on a train! Then you’ll always be moving about!” said Marge.

Bart approved because he once saw his future self suggest this to his future girlfriend Jenda.

“You ever eat on a train Marge? What they call a steak is barely a burger!” said Wayne.

“Homer, before I go...” Wayne fist bumped him.

“Awwwwww! That’s what I needed! Closure!” Homer cried happily.

Maggie shook her rattle.

“Maggie, the CIA could use a field agent like you someday. Stay close to your busy box...” said Wayne to Maggie.

“Dude why are you talking to a baby?! Weirdo...” said Peter Griffin.

“Oh and Eric. Sorry kiddo but the CIA doesn’t really want agents who dribble over the documents and scribble on them with wax crayons... you’re just not cut out for the secret service...” said Wayne to baby Eric Simpson.

Eric the blue haired baby Simpson made a sad gurgle and teared up.

Wayne took his leave, never to return...

“Wait Wayne! I know a place a guy with government expertise and violent behaviour can work!” said Marge.


Wayne got a job at Springfield DMV with Patty and Selma.

“Sir this is the wrong form.” said Wayne to Sideshow Mel.

“Can you hold my place until I get the right form?” Mel asked.

“No one held my place for me when I was in a prisoner of war camp in a North Korea being forced to write a musical about Kim Jong Il with a car battery clamped on my nipples!” Wayne snarled while grabbing Sideshow Mel’s Snake fang necklace.


A theatre in North Korea.

Wayne is waiting back stage to see how Kim Jong likes his play.

An actor posing as Kim Jong Il is walking about town.

“Sir please kindly tell me where the palace is?” Kim Jong Il asked.

“You? What business do you have at the palace?!” A tall man asked.

“Why someday I hope to be Dear Leader!” said Kim Jong Il.

The tall man laughed. “You?! You’re too benevolent to be Dear Leader!”

“Well let’s see what these singers think!” said the actor posing as Kim Jong Il.

A choir sung.

“K is for Korea, just the north part. I is for the Internet he bans. M is for the people who are missing! J is for the human tasting jaaaaam!”

The choir continued as Kim Jong Il smiled and clapped along to the song about his frightening misdeeds and his cruelty.

However his son Kim Jong Un, a very fat teenaged Korean boy sat bored.

“Daaaaad! This is boring! I wanna go home...” Kim Jong Un whined.

“Silence! One day all of this will be yours my boy!” said Kim Jong Il scolding his son.

The end!

Post credits Ned and Edna thank us, the fans for voting for Nedna to be canon. I voted no....

Seymour whined that Edna had moved on.

“Oh Seymour! At least he can give me grandkids!” said Agnes happy for the couple.

Then the Gracie films gag.


“Shush me again lady and I’ll take your head clean off!” said Wayne.