The Chamberpot of Secrets More wizard Bart, Oscar ranting about Plot holes and heroes holding the idiot ball too much as Montymort and young Monty shamelessly rip off the plot to Chamber of Secrets with giant snakes!

Plot[edit | edit source]

Oscar was one morning in his feet pyjamas watching Ducktales.

“Ducktales theme tune”

He got to the bit where the cute tiger sniffs the triplets with his big wet shiny brown nose and hugs them.

Oscar grimaced and wet his diaper because of his shiny nose obsession.

“Oz, get ready for wizard school...” said Lisa.

“Yeah, as much as I want to stay at home, I can’t. Mom won’t let me and she won’t let you...” said Bart poking him to get up from the couch.

“I want to watch my Disney cartoons with shiny nose and goo and slime in peace...” Oscar whined.

“No can do. I bet you’ve already wet your diaper.” said Bart.

Oscar groaned as his diaper was a little soggy. “Maybe...”

“Ugh! Go and get changed...” Bart sighed.


Bart got dressed for Springwarts. Today he had the usual annoyances, Dad being a jerk, Lisa being a teachers pet and an egg sucker. Hehehehe... egg sucker... and Oscar watching sappy cartoons in his pyjamas and a diaper underneath them. And then soiling said diaper.

“Bart make sure you tuck in your shirt and your tie is done up properly...” said Marge.

“Yes Mom...” said Bart.

At school it was the usual routine. Get on the bus, Otto was driving. Sit down. Deal with everyone’s antics like Nelson beating everyone up and Martin being an insufferable geek.

And Oscar was turning Milhouse into things with his own wand. Things like an ostrich, a banana headed thing wearing his glasses and Mr T. All while repeatedly saying “Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself.

“Oz lay off of poor Milhouse!” Bart whined. It was funny sometimes when Milhouse suffered some misfortune but the rest of the time it seemed cruel to Bart.

“Stop zapping yourself!” Oscar’s had just turned Milhouse into a shiny nosed clown with a big wet shiny red nose. “Omg clown!”

“Oz no!”

“Clooooooown! Cloooooown! Clooooown!” Oscar got obsessed with clowns again.

“I don’t get it. Is he frightened of clowns or something?” Kearney asked Bart.

“As if! Quite the opposite!” said Bart. “He loves clowns. He thinks they’re cute...”

“How are clowns cute...?” Kearney asked confused.

“Don’t ask...” said Bart.


Meanwhile Harry was having problems with a house elf called Dobby who insisted he must not go back to Hogwarts for he is in great danger. The House elf inconveniences Harry by dropping a cake on Vernon’s boss so he grounds Harry from Hogwarts. The Weasley boys just break him out and take him home.

The strict but loving Mrs Weasley was cross with her sons. “Where have you been?!” However she cheered up upon seeing Harry. Yeah when your best friend’s mom is telling him or her off but thinks you’re a little angel.

Anyway they have a flying car. Harry ends up in Knockturn Alley accidentally. Oscar went there deliberately to buy drugs.

Dobby once again annoys Harry by sealing off the passage to platform nine and three quarters. so Ron commanders the flying Ford Angelica to fly to school. He crashes it into the Whomping Willow who gets angry and smashes up the car.

Then they get caught by Snape who tries to expel them but Dumbledore says only their head of house, Professor McGonagall can do that.

McGonagall doesn’t expel them. She gives them detention with the new Defense against the Dark Arts Teacher.


At school.

Everyone went to morning lessons. Outside Willie was watering and giving fresh compost to the Whomping Willow. It clobbered him with its heavy branches.

“Aaaaaagh! Oof!” He screamed having been sent flying by the violent tree.

In the weird mixed year classes Springwarts has, Lisa was reading her books, Bart was bored, Nelson was zapping Milhouse into random things with his own wand and telling him to stop zapping himself, Ralph was sleeping and Oscar was practicing flutter fly.”

This lesson as Mrs Krabappel explained they were practicing how to turn a ham into a pig.

“Harry stop chewing gum in class!” said Mrs K.

“I’m not ma’am! Tis brimstone!” said Harry breathing fire.

“Eh whatever...” said Mrs Krabappel.

“Nelson you first.”

“Horkus porkus, turn into a stupid pig!” Nelson snapped. He got an ugly smelly pig with a runny nose.

“Eeeeew! Well the assignment was to get a pig, you did well, a B.” said Mrs Krabappel.

“Awww shucks! Mrs K I have a reputation as a bully...” Nelson blushed as the other bullies were thinking of clobbering him for doing well in class.

“Lisa Simpson.” Mrs Krabappel asked Lisa to demonstrate.

She said a vaguely magic sounding phrase and hey presto, she got a cute little piglet.

The piglet oinked.

“How adorable. A+! Although all pigs will end up as ham again once Lunch Lady Doris is finished with them...”

“Mrs K, my ham became a carrot...” said Oscar.

“Oh you must have got Lisa’s vegan ham...” said Mrs Krabappel.

Lisa growled at people mocking her recent conversation to vegetarianism.

“Bart... I dread to see what crime against nature you come up with...” Mrs Krabappel sighed.

Bart got a horrifying monster that wasn’t quite a lifeless ham and not quite a pig.

“Ugh! Bart you’re dismissed from class as long as you take that thing with you!” Mrs Krabappel was disgusted by whatever his ham turned into.

Luca$ or Luca Dollar made an early cameo.

“Luca Dollar... Ugh... Luca...” Mrs Krabappel sighed as the greedy kid Luca$ was eating his ham.

“Uter’s our resident glutton still Narrator...” said Bart.

“Ich resent the term glutton! Bäh!” said Uter the fat German kid also eating his ham.


In the corridors the students led by Bart as naturally he was the first to escape class out of boredom. All encountered something horrible.

They gasped in horror as on a wall the words in blood read, “The Chamberpot of Secrets is mine! C M Burns, Montymort.”

“Good lord!” Skinner gasped.

“What’s the Chamberpot of secrets?” Bart asked.

“Um.. uh... nothing to worry about children! Go out and play!” said Skinner shooing everyone outside to the playground. The children were just happy to play and ran outside cheering. “Don’t cheer so loud and joyfully!”

After he was sure no students were listening Skinner told Willie it was crucial he found the Chamberpot of secrets immediately. Before Montymort found the secrets to its powers to convert urine into the elixir of life. And other toilet related matter.

“It’s a chamberpot, we get it...” Bart sighed.


Meanwhile at Hogwarts the show off glamorous and full of himself celebrity in the Flourish and Blotts book store, Gilderoy Lockhart is the new Defence Against Dark Arts teacher after Deatheater Quirrel snuffed it from touching Harry. Anyway the new teacher and celebrity is a fraud, stealing fame from other heroes and obliviating them. Wiping their minds...

And Lucius Malfoy gives Ginny a weird diary that turns out to be Voldemort’s personal diary when he was still called Tom Riddle.

And Dobby still being a little shit curses a rogue bludger to attack Harry causing him to fall off his broom and break his arm.

And Colin Creevey is too cute to be old enough for Hogwarts and screams silently a funny shocked face that has become meme worthy. Thanks MasterPooper...

Gilderoy Lockhart decided his heroic legends also included medical skills in healing and treating wounds with magic. He removed all the bones from Harry’s arm so it went rubbery.

”Eeeeeeew!” Everyone in Gryffindor groaned.

”Well um...” said Lockhart.

Somehow Hermione managed to take Harry to the school nurse.

”Bone removal?! Honestly!” said the nurse sharply. “Setting a broken wrist I can do that easily Harry. But regrowing bones is a long and painful process...” she gave him skelli-grow potion that regrows vanished bones. However it tastes disgusting. “What were you expecting? Pumpkin juice?” asked the nurse who is a bitch in the movies but sweet in the little cartoon pictures on the loading screen of the PSone game.

After recess at Springwarts was herbiology. They had to deal with mandrakes and repotting them. But Oscar distracted got himself tied up by a mass of thick rubbery vines of some plant, ie a Devil’s Snare. However he freaked everyone out by moaning aroused and going on about hentai.

“Oz stop getting aroused by that plant!” Bart yelled in disgust.

Oscar moaned aroused while tied up with vines.

On the way to History of magic, resident Irish stereotype kid, Seamus Mc Seamus. Who must be part Scottish too or is confused by his origins because Mc is associated with Scotland in surnames. Irish surnames are always O’Surname, not McSurname. Anyway Seamus was goofing off and made it that Dumbledore slapped a student flying into the stratosphere. Because corporal punishment is funny Seamus...

Seamus went the wrong way. Bart didn’t care and followed Lisa to History of Magic.


In history of Magic they had a new teacher, a rather masculine looking woman in an out of fashion pink dress trying to look obviously female despite her five o clock shadow.

Seamus was the one to question her gender when he tried to sit on the benches and ended up facing backwards.

“Seamus sit properly!” the teacher yelled in a deep manly voice.

“I’m sorry sir! Let me just-“

“I’m a woman! You address me as Ma’am!” said the teacher shouting.

“I’m sorry sir!” Seamus apologised.

“It’s ma’am! Are you blind?!” The teacher yelled.

Eventually they learned about magic history.

“The Salem Witch Trials were started in Jamestown, Salem, Massachusetts by... Lisa put down your hand and be silent!” The teacher strangely openly hated Lisa for being an insufferable know it all.

Lisa glared and scowled.

“Yes Oscar?” The teacher asked Oscar even though he didn’t put up his hand to answer.

“Um... Michael Jackson?” said Oscar giving a stupid answer.

Everyone laughed.

“Shut up! Stop laughing!” The teacher yelled.


At lunch Bart started a food fight.

“Food fight!” Bart yelled. Everyone threw food. Lisa got splattered with mashed potato.

This transitioned to her getting hit with dodgeballs in gym.

“My school’s gym uses bludgers...” said Harry Potter being assaulted by bludgers. The bludgers cackled and made animal like sounds as they flew at him.

“We don’t care Harry...” saidBart.

Next was Astronomy class. Unfortunately the substitute was a flat Earther...

“Quiet,,, quiet class! Sit down!” said the joyful and nice teacher. “Now good afternoon. The Earth is flat and we live in a dome of stars.” said the Flat Earth teacher. “Which is on the backs of four elephants on the back of a turtle.”

Bart was mortified by her stupidity but smirked because he could give stupid answers in class and she’d probably agree with him and give him good grades for whatever drivel he submits for homework. Plus it amused him that she was getting on Lisa’s nerves.

Lisa was seething, resisting the urge to shout out at the teacher.

However what made her snap was when the Flat Earth teacher said that everything revolves round the Earth.

“Aaaaaaagh!” Lisa screamed in blind rage. “You’re wrong! Everything you just said is wrong! This whole damn system is wrong!”

Of course for shouting at a teacher she got detention.

Bart found it amusing to see Lisa for once doing lines.


Meanwhile Harry was dismayed to see Draco Malfoy’s dad got his entire team nimbus 2001s. A model slightly better than Harry’s Nimbus 2000.

Hermione commented that his dad had to buy him victory and even that wouldn’t work.

Draco told her to shut up and called her a filthy mud blood.

This pissed off Ron. He was gonna hex him with his broken wand. “Eat slugs Malfoy!”

However the hex backfired on himself and he vomited slugs.

“Eeeeeew!” said everyone.

“We better get him to Hagrid!” said Hermione. “Thanks for trying Ron.”

Ron threw up slugs.

“Hold on, I’ll make that privileged git pay.” said Oscar. “Eat slugs Malfoy!” His hex worked properly because his wand wasn’t damaged. Draco suddenly felt very ill after the hex hit him and he began barfing up slugs.

“What did you do to him?!” Crabbe gasped.

Hermione pulled Oscar along. As soon as Slytherin we’re out of sight she bursted into giggles. “I’ve never seen someone so more deserving to have that done to them! I’m sorry Ron that it backfired on you though.” she added as she comforted Rom.

Ron spewed slugs.

“Ron you need a new wand...” said Harry.

Elsewhere Bart was playing Quidditch against Shelbyville and Colin Creevey made the mistake of taking photos of someone who did not tolerate having photos taken of himself with out his permission, Oscar.

When Oscar winced at a flash of light he saw Colin holding an old fashion camera with a lightbulb on it. He gave Colin a murderous glare and snatched his camera and threw it violently to the floor and stamped on it.

“Hey!” Colin whined.

“Colin, he hates photos being taken of him...” said Bart as Oscar stormed off.

Then Harry heard voices in the wall saying. “Let me rip you, let me tear you! Let me kill you!” however everyone thought he was nuts. Although what he was hearing was the basilisk speaking.

“That’s odd because I always hear a creepy voice saying ‘Let me rip you. Let me tear you!’ All the time!” said Oscar. In his head Dark Oscar was imitating the creepy voice Harry was hearing that wanted to rip and tear him.

“Let me rip you.... let me tear you!” said Dark Oscar’s creepy voice.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

Gradually tragedies struck the school as students and even faculty staff were found petrified. Oscar having a hidden talent for herbology, he just liked mucking about in class, when he studied he aced the subject, explained that mandrakes were needed to brew a potion that could cure them.

In herbology Oscar resisted the urge to let a Devil’s Snare have it’s way with him with its luscious hentai vines in order to pluck and repot his mandrakes. Then given them some fresh dragon dung compost.

The mandrake seemed to be an ordinary plant in a pot except it twitched and fidgeted. However once Oscar uprooted it he found instead of roots the rest of the plant was a crying, very muddy baby whose tissue and flesh was made of roots and rhizomes. Because the mandrake’s cry was fatal he wore fluffy pink noise cancelling ear muffs.

Ron Weasley had the funniest face when holding his mandrake.

Draco was tickling his mandrake until it bit his finger.

“Yes Ron it’s a screaming plant baby, what did you expect...” said Oscar but Ron could not hear him because of his earmuffs protecting him from the deadly screams. “And Draco, what did you think would happen if you tickled it...”

In duelling club, Harry and Draco did not listen to instructions to disarm only and instead used violent spells on each other.

“Everta Statum!” Draco bellowed and Harry went flying across the hall.

“I said disarm only.” The teacher scolded them.

Bart and Oscar took duelling club to meaning play a game of Yugioh instead of practicing their disarming spell expelliarmus.

After class Oscar warped to Vonderland to see Verne, Gus and Cassy. Verne had turned himself into a clown again.

“Omg! Clown Verne!” Oscar was obsessed by his big round red shiny nose. He kept honking Verne’s clown nose.

That night Oscar, Bart and Verne ventured into the forbidden forest.

The dark forest was spooky with twisted trees that grew in such away they appeared to be snarling and reaching out to grab people who walked past.

“That area has trees that grab you and quagmires, that path leads to Aragog and the giant spiders, this way leads to a centaur colony.” said Harry Potter.

“Yawn! I want to get into danger while wearing a diaper!” Oscar was now wearing nothing but his diaper.

Bart sweat dropped. “Guys let’s just leave nut nut to be stupid on his own...”

They left Oscar to his own devices.

Baby Oscar wandered the spooky forbidden forest on his own, vulnerable to whatever beasts lurked within the woods.

He did not get far when he was pounced on by his living teddy bear, Teddy. Teddy smooshed his big wet shiny black nose into his nose.

Oscar gurgled.

Teddy then began sniffing his diaper.

“Can we not have Oscar’s weird diaper fetish fill up the episode?!” Bart ranted at the fourth wall.

How about spider web bondage? Harry, Verne and Bart are suddenly cocooned in a big spider web.

“No!” yelled Bart annoyed.

How about that freaky scene where Voldemort is drinking unicorn blood?”

We cut to that scary scene where Harry sees Voldemort in the forest drinking unicorn blood. He couldn’t see Voldemort’s face but his scar began to hurt, and it only did when Voldemort was nearby.

“Aaaaaagh! No!” Bart screamed.

“Aggggh! Voldemort!” Harry as a fourth grader screamed.

Luckily centaurs attacked Voldemort in Quirrel’s body and he escaped.

Also the centaurs have stupid bigotry to humans that they kick out Firenze just because he speaks to humans and he let Harry ride him.

Then in Chamber of Secrets Aragog had a stupid clause where he wouldn’t ever harm Hagrid but he didn’t offer that same promise not to harm to Hagrid’s friends. Yeah um you pet is capable of harming and killing, Hagrid, so young Voldemort had a point.

Then in Order of the Phoenix Hagrid brought his younger half brother Grawp to Hogwarts to live in the forest.

“Hagger!” Grawp called to his older half brother.

Wikipedia promptly banned him with extreme prejudice simply because he went everywhere yelling “Hagger!”

That’s like banning a severely mentally disabled person from a museum for constantly yelling or screaming because they have no control over their compulsion to do so.

I don’t think they mentioned the forest elsewhere except I think Harry, Hermione via time travel and Buckbeak went in there to avoid Werewolf Lupin. Yes that one makes sense! Werewolves can’t control their behaviour in wolf form...

Then in Chambers Hermione gets petrified because we’re picking of the three heroes early. But Ron and Harry do get Lockhart as a hostage after he reveals he’s a fraud.

Also Hogwarts shirks building compliance to build a slide under the Myrtle bathroom sinks that’s only accessible to parselmouths (Snake language) and that snake language means evil. Thanks for agreeing with your biggest critic, the church, HP...

Also it wouldn’t be an end of movie dungeon with out a huge monster in it and Voldemort in some form. Is that why after the second book and movie they just stopped the whole Voldemort in some form breaks into the school, Harry explores a secret dungeon or catacomb within the school and faces Voldemort and or a monster or monsters of trials.

I preferred that to how the film series had to continue.

Cue giant snake that kills you if you look into its eyes.

“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these mother fucking basilisks in this mother fucking castle!” Samuel L Jackson yelled.

Shape scolded him for swearing.

And then Dobby the house elf decided to disobey his master Lucius Malfoy and make many attempts to stop Harry returning to Hogwarts because he was worried about him facing a great danger. Yeah Dobby all you’re doing is guaranteeing there is no one to stop the basilisk being unleashed...

“Dobby’s my friend!” said Sméagol.

“Dobby?! Dobby is a (long string of censor bleeps and curses.)” said Gollum.

Harry ended up being blamed for a cake falling on Uncle Vernon’s boss’s wife. Got stuck in Knocturn Alley. The dark wizard street where evil wizards and witches rather than killing him. Because none of them were death eaters. All the death eaters were still locked up in Azkaban. Instead they were just happy to take advantage of him and try to sell him drugs and cursed artefacts. But mostly magic drugs...

Hagrid luckily found him and chased off the dark wizards and witches and admonished Harry for being there.

“He gets there and I have to deal with that annoying witch from the PlayStation one version of Philospher’s who won’t let me in there?!” Oscar ranted.

“Maybe I should turn you into a turnip!” said the witch.

“You do realise acting like a story book wicked witch and threatening people with transfiguration gets you arrested and sent to Azkaban...” Oscar warned her.

“Oh fine...” said the witch.

“Oz don’t...” Hermione warned him.

“I want to get a screaming skull and wizard crack!” Oscar wanted to buy some crack...

Then Harry was prevented from getting onto platform nine and three quarters. So Ron flew him to Hogwarts in the Ford Angelica. There’s a vanishing cabinet in Borgia and Burke’s... Oh wait your mother forbids you to go there Ron!


Then at school Dobby still tried to get Harry sent home. He cursed a bludger to attack him. That didn’t work as Lockhart just removed his arm bones and Harry went to the nurse to regrow them.

So Dobby gave up and went to pester Matt Smith’s Doctor as the evil Dream Lord!

“Dobby asks you, is this a dream or reality?” Dobby the Dreamlord asked the Doctor and Rory and Amy.

“If you die in a dream you wake up. What happens if you die in reality?” Dobby asked. Amy was confused. “You die stupid. That’s why it’s reality...”

I really wanted the Doctor to punch him for calling Amy Stupid.

Suddenly Freddy Krueger was in the TARDIS. “Uh no. If you die in a dream, you die in reality...” said Freddy Krueger.

“Well I did that knife hands, when I made those Dream Crabs!” said Dream Lord. He’s behind the dream crabs!

“Oh you mean the face huggers.” said Rory.

“The what?!” Dobby the Dream Lord asked.

“They’re face huggers. Like in Alien? The horror movie Alien?” Rory replied.

“There’s a horror movie called alien?!” Doctor asked offended.

“Um yes.” said Rory.

“That is extremely racist! No wonder everyone keeps invading you!” Doctor said cross with Rory.


Then Dumbledore who asked calmly tangled with the Doctor as Space Scrooge on a planet with flying sharks!

“Doctor! DOCTOOOOR! DOCTOR DIDYAPUTYOURNAMEINDAGOBLETOFFIYAAAAH?!” Dumbledore as Space Scrooge asked calmly as he slammed him into a wall clutching the lapels of his jacket that made him look like a hipster or a young college professor.

Oscar cried. He was regeneration sick for his incarceration of the Doctor he traveled with.

“Oh I miss David Tennant! Aka Quiffy Doctor. He does look like Quiffy!

And funnily enough David Tennant aka Quiffy Doctor was in Harry Potter! As Barty Crouch Jr!

The TARDIS appeared in Hogwarts. The teachers and students watched as Barty Crouch Jr stepped out in a blue pinstripe suit and Converses.

“Oh lemon drops! Look out everyone it’s that Death Eater Barty Crouch Jr!” Dumbledore who asked calmly yelled.

“No I’m not! I am the Doctor! I have come here to save you from John Lumic! Aka Cyber Trigger who is here to convert people into Cybermen!” said Doctor.

“Ello Dave!” said Cyber Trigger aka John Lumic aka Barty Crouch Snr.

Doctor growled like Barty Crouch Jr. But some Cybermen grabbed him.

“You will be deleted.” said the Cybermen as seeing as the Daleks had their own catchphrase. EXTERMINATE! The Cybermen decided to start saying Delete! and, Upgrade. And once they said Control, Alt and Delete but that’s was rather ridiculous. However only the Cybermen in Pete Tyler’s world do that. Our Cybermen go “Excellent!” like Mr Burns.

“Excellent!” said the Earthshock Cyberleader with scary music.

Bart sweat dropped as Dr who and Harry Potter crossover with Cybermen took over the story.

Well could be worse. Could be what Oscar’s doing in the forbidden forest with Teddy.

Baby Oscar gurgled as Teddy his living teddy bear sniffed his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose.

Then Mr Ollivander decided he was the Doctor during the Time War. However Moffat was not interested in elaborating on the Time War except through the novels and War Doctor died from a Chestburster bursting out of his stomach while falling into the Black Cauldron in a Disney animated film.

Bart and Taran sweat dropped and Oscar gurgled as Gurgi sniffed his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose.

“I am the Doctor but apparently I did something so awful in the Time War I am no longer worthy of being called the Doctor! And it seems my other incarcerations think s too.

11 is strangely angry at seeing War Doctor in his time line at the end of Night of the Doctor. However he never tells Clara why he dislikes this incarnation.

War Doctor tried to redeem himself by saving the universe but was suddenly hit with violent stomach pains and screamed as a chestburster ripped its way out of his stomach.

Then for some reason he was now an evil lich trying to kill Taran, a young farm boy. But he fell into the Black Cauldron and died.

And Gurgi a furry make believe creature sniffed Oscar’s diaper. Although in the movie he died briefly so everyone cried and then he came back and they all lived happily ever after.

Meanwhile in CDsWalkthrough’s fanon the Simpsons are like the Weasleys when it comes to breeding and producing offspring... ie like rabbits, as they had two children before Bart. So he was no longer the oldest.that went to Flint Simpson.

Oscar was at the Simpsons after the Doctor Who Potter Disney’s Black Cauldron mash up because he needed to calm down before he wrecked the universe.

However he spent that time annoying Bart’s older Sister Dana.

“There is no Dana! Only Zuul!” Oscar kept reciting in a demonic voice.

“Oz you nut stop it! I want to talk to Dana!” Bart whined.

“There is no Dana! Only Zuul!” said Zuul.


Meanwhile there is a lot of eating in the films. Although because Harry arrived late and Snape tried to expel him for flying into the whomping willow, Harry and Ron had a plate of endless sandwiches in Snape’s office. Which breaks the laws of alchemy and equivalent exchange! Not to mention creating matter out of nothing!!

“Oh your god?! Why?!” Edward Elric screamed in confusion.

“Whatever screw the laws of physics and matter she’s doing, I want it. To create endless chocolate brownies!” said Oscar.

Cue a plate of endless chocolate brownies.

Homer screamed with delight. “Yes! Oh yes!” He greedily consumed the brownies but they constantly replenished themselves while George Harrison looks on calling Homer a nice fellow for ignoring him.

“And unlimited rice pudding!” said Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor.

“No...” said Oscar finding that stupid.

“Stop breaking the rules of Equivalent exchange!” Edward Elric whined.

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

Meanwhile Harry, Verne and Bart discovered how to open the Chamberpot of secrets. You have to talk in snake language to it. How to get past Samuel L Jackson. Summon land sharks or even ordinary sharks to eat him. Discovered Lockhart was a fraud and he obliviated himself with Ron’s wand. And finally they discovered the final chamber of the chamberpot of Secrets contained a monster. A basilisk.

The first trail. The entrance.

Harry, Ron, Verne, Bart Simpson and Oscar came to a snake embossed sink with snake taps in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

Myrtle moans and cries.

The boys try to ignore her.

Harry seeing the snake decorated tapes opens his mouth to parselmouth. But Oscar dashes off and returns with Kaa from Disney’s Jungle Book.

“Open ssssssesssame!” said Kaa.

The entrance opened.

“Hey! That is my skill!” Harry Potter whined.

Lockhart loses his mind.

At the bottom where there were rat skeletons and a giant snake skin. Basilisks shed. Harry warned everyone if they hear movement of something very large they must shut their eyes immediately.

Lockhart grabbed Ron’s wand and was prepared to obliviate them and run away. Telling the tragic news that Ginny died in the chamber and was only found later as bones. Like the last blood writing message warned.

But he ended up oblivating himself and causing a chamber collapse of rocks and concrete separating Harry from everyone. Luckily Harry could move on whereas everyone else could not.

Once again Harry warned them to shut their eyes if they heard the basilisk.

However a tremendous explosion shook the chamber. When the dust cleared Oscar emerged from a hole in the collapsed debris.

“How?” Harry asked.

“I borrowed Samus Aran’s power suit and power bombs.” said Oscar.

Harry sweat dropped. “You really hate that team division in the climax of my books...” Harry sighed.

They continued and found a big snake decorated door. Harry spoke snake to it and it opened.

The next vault door was decorated with pictures of steaks. “This is where I help.” said Oscar. He spoke like a steak, rare. It opened.

Harry face palmed.


They discussed the monster of the chamber, the basilisk and Harry once again reminded Oscar to shut his eyes immediately when he warned him.

“Why can’t it be a giant trouser snake?!” Oscar whined.

“Oz stop being crude!” Harry yelled.

They woke up the next obstacle. Samuel L Jackson!

“What does Marcelles Wallace look like!?”


“What country are you from?!”


“That ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?”


“English Mother Fucker! Do you speak it?!”

Harry decided this debate was not going anywhere and he was shocked by the swearing so he summoned land sharks “Sea terror see terra!”

A great white land shark appeared.

“A great white shark?! That’s racist! Why can’t there be great black sharks?!” Samuel L Jackson replied. The shark ate him.

They went past and entered the chamber of eternity. Where they had to wait and extremely long time and there were no chairs or magazines.

Harry passed the time by reading and writing in Tom Riddle’s diary and going in there to annoy young Voldemort.

“Voldypants mouldy pants! Voldypants mouldy pants!” Harry sung at the younger self of his arch nemesis.

Tom Riddle seethed in anger.

Eventually they got out.

They were in the final chamber in canon it had a snake motif with giant snake heads and the giant face of Salazar Slytherin. However in this fanfiction it had a toilet and bathroom motif with toilets, urinals and toilet brushes.

As Harry and Oscar passed some urinals they flushed themselves.

Oscar screamed.

“Shhhhh! You need to get over your fear of urinals!” Harry muttered.

They found Ginny Weasley uh conscious. Then Tom Riddle appeared. Harry’s scar hurt. That told him Tom Riddle was Voldemort in some form.

Luckily in this form Voldemort can’t cast killing curses at people.

There is villain to Hero dialogue. Some gloating from Tom and a clueless Harry in the movie that despite his scar hurting he couldn’t work out the connection between Tom Riddle and Voldemort. So Tom used an anagram puzzle to answer things with flame writing.

Amusingly in French Tom is not Tom Marvolo Riddle but Tom Elvis Jedusor!

French Harry did Elvis Presley impressions while dressed as Elvis.

Then Tom Riddle aka Voldemort decides to kill Harry by summoning the basilisk on him. It only obeys parselmouths, but for some lazy writing reason it won’t obey Harry so no he can’t screw with Tom Riddle by giving the basilisk conflicting orders.

Harry and Oscar shut their eyes tight because the basilisk will kill them if they look at it directly.

“It can bite too you know Potter...” Tom Riddle sighed.

Then Fawkes the Phoenix blinded the basilisk by gouging its eyes out. Also it’s female in the movie but male in the !ego sets because they gave it a red plume. Male basilisks have red plumes on their heads.


Meanwhile Bart and Ron Weasley making their way through the chamber of Secrets dungeon made their way through several sewer chambers where they encountered sewer clowns, Greek Hero Oscar in the wrong episode! Greek Hero Oscar blushed and fled. And talking anthropomorphic turtles skilled in martial arts and surfer talk eating pizza.

“No narrator!” Bart whined.

And Hugo a season early.

Hugo growled and hissed.

Then they came to the room with the chamberpot of secrets.

But of course right on cue, Montymort appeared stopping them.

“You shall go no further Simpson! The chamberpot of secrets is mine!” said Montymort. “Plus I just finished an extra large diet soda and really need to relieve myself!”

“Eeeeeew! Can we all just stop!” Bart whined. “Narrator that is just really gross and immature! I don’t care that your trying to spoof Chamber of Secrets! Toilet humour is not funny!”

“Chamberpot... hehehehe!” Oscar laughed from somewhere.

“Master Montymort would like some privacy please...” said Slithers.


Harry May be able to look at the basilisk now. It was rather terrifying and was a huge roaring snake. Plus Salazar’s voice of decorating was really creepy...”

“It’s a sewer dungeon, duh...” said Oscar.

But Harry had no way of fighting the basilisk. He zapped it with flipendo. The spell only annoyed it into snapping at him.

“Basilisks have spell proof scales...” said Oscar. “Just as dragons do...”

Suddenly Fawkes returned with the sorting hat.

“Well, well, well! I’ve sorted you children into your houses already!” said the sorting hat.

“Yes Mr sorting hat. But apparently oh omnipresent author made an asspull or lazy writing that for some reason you have the sword of Gryffindor on you.” said Oscar.

“Indeed I do boy. For some reason even though it never came up in the first movie! How can I have a sword inside me?!” said Sorting Hat as the Sword of Gryffindor appeared.

“Noooooo!” said Tom Riddle.

Harry took the sword. Then he made the basilisk chase after him through the tunnels. Used a clever trick by throwing a rock so the sound lured the blind basilisk. Then he returned to the main area of the boss room Tom Riddle had nothing to say except to gloat about Harry facing certain doom etc.

Harry made a silly face at him by sticking out his tongue and resumed fighting the basilisk.

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.