The Chamberpot of Secrets More wizard Bart, Oscar ranting about Plot holes and heroes holding the idiot ball too much as Montymort and young Monty shamelessly rip off the plot to Chamber of Secrets with giant snakes!
Plot
Oscar was one morning in his feet pyjamas watching Ducktales.
“Ducktales theme tune”
He got to the bit where the cute tiger sniffs the triplets with his big wet shiny brown nose and hugs them.
Oscar grimaced and wet his diaper because of his shiny nose obsession.
“Oz, get ready for wizard school...” said Lisa.
“Yeah, as much as I want to stay at home, I can’t. Mom won’t let me and she won’t let you...” said Bart poking him to get up from the couch.
“I want to watch my Disney cartoons with shiny nose and goo and slime in peace...” Oscar whined.
“No can do. I bet you’ve already wet your diaper.” said Bart.
Oscar groaned as his diaper was a little soggy. “Maybe...”
“Ugh! Go and get changed...” Bart sighed.
...
Bart got dressed for Springwarts. Today he had the usual annoyances, Dad being a jerk, Lisa being a teachers pet and an egg sucker. Hehehehe... egg sucker... and Oscar watching sappy cartoons in his pyjamas and a diaper underneath them. And then soiling said diaper.
“Bart make sure you tuck in your shirt and your tie is done up properly...” said Marge.
“Yes Mom...” said Bart.
At school it was the usual routine. Get on the bus, Otto was driving. Sit down. Deal with everyone’s antics like Nelson beating everyone up and Martin being an insufferable geek.
And Oscar was turning Milhouse into things with his own wand. Things like an ostrich, a banana headed thing wearing his glasses and Mr T. All while repeatedly saying “Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself.
“Oz lay off of poor Milhouse!” Bart whined. It was funny sometimes when Milhouse suffered some misfortune but the rest of the time it seemed cruel to Bart.
“Stop zapping yourself!” Oscar’s had just turned Milhouse into a shiny nosed clown with a big wet shiny red nose. “Omg clown!”
“Oz no!”
“Clooooooown! Cloooooown! Clooooown!” Oscar got obsessed with clowns again.
“I don’t get it. Is he frightened of clowns or something?” Kearney asked Bart.
“As if! Quite the opposite!” said Bart. “He loves clowns. He thinks they’re cute...”
“How are clowns cute...?” Kearney asked confused.
“Don’t ask...” said Bart.
...
At school.
Everyone went to morning lessons. Outside Willie was watering and giving fresh compost to the Whomping Willow. It clobbered him with its heavy branches.
“Aaaaaagh! Oof!” He screamed having been sent flying by the violent tree.
In the weird mixed year classes Springwarts has, Lisa was reading her books, Bart was bored, Nelson was zapping Milhouse into random things with his own wand and telling him to stop zapping himself, Ralph was sleeping and Oscar was practicing flutter fly.”
This lesson as Mrs Krabappel explained they were practicing how to turn a ham into a pig.
“Harry stop chewing gum in class!” said Mrs K.
“I’m not ma’am! Tis brimstone!” said Harry breathing fire.
“Eh whatever...” said Mrs Krabappel.
“Nelson you first.”
“Horkus porkus, turn into a stupid pig!” Nelson snapped. He got an ugly smelly pig with a runny nose.
“Eeeeew! Well the assignment was to get a pig, you did well, a B.” said Mrs Krabappel.
“Awww shucks! Mrs K I have a reputation as a bully...” Nelson blushed as the other bullies were thinking of clobbering him for doing well in class.
“Lisa Simpson.” Mrs Krabappel asked Lisa to demonstrate.
She said a vaguely magic sounding phrase and hey presto, she got a cute little piglet.
The piglet oinked.
“How adorable. A+! Although all pigs will end up as ham again once Lunch Lady Doris is finished with them...”
“Mrs K, my ham became a carrot...” said Oscar.
“Oh you must have got Lisa’s vegan ham...” said Mrs Krabappel.
Lisa growled at people mocking her recent conversation to vegetarianism.
“Bart... I dread to see what crime against nature you come up with...” Mrs Krabappel sighed.
Bart got a horrifying monster that wasn’t quite a lifeless ham and not quite a pig.
“Ugh! Bart you’re dismissed from class as long as you take that thing with you!” Mrs Krabappel was disgusted by whatever his ham turned into.
Luca$ or Luca Dollar made an early cameo.
“Luca Dollar... Ugh... Luca...” Mrs Krabappel sighed as the greedy kid Luca$ was eating his ham.
“Uter’s our resident glutton still Narrator...” said Bart.
“Ich resent the term glutton! Bäh!” said Uter the fat German kid also eating his ham.
...
In the corridors the students led by Bart as naturally he was the first to escape class out of boredom. All encountered something horrible.
They gasped in horror as on a wall the words in blood read, “The Chamberpot of Secrets is mine! C M Burns, Montymort.”
“Good lord!” Skinner gasped.
“What’s the Chamberpot of secrets?” Bart asked.
“Um.. uh... nothing to worry about children! Go out and play!” said Skinner shooing everyone outside to the playground. The children were just happy to play and ran outside cheering. “Don’t cheer so loud and joyfully!”
After he was sure no students were listening Skinner told Willie it was crucial he found the Chamberpot of secrets immediately. Before Montymort found the secrets to its powers to convert urine into the elixir of life. And other toilet related matter.
“It’s a chamberpot, we get it...” Bart sighed.
After recess was herbiology. They had to deal with mandrakes and repotting them. But Oscar distracted got himself tied up by a mass of thick rubbery vines of some plant, ie a Devil’s Snare. However he freaked everyone out by moaning aroused and going on about hentai.
“Oz stop getting aroused by that plant!” Bart yelled in disgust.
Oscar moaned aroused while tied up with vines.
On the way to History of magic, resident Irish stereotype kid, Seamus Mc Seamus. Who must be part Scottish too or is confused by his origins because Mc is associated with Scotland in surnames. Irish surnames are always O’Surname, not McSurname. Anyway Seamus was goofing off and made it that Dumbledore slapped a student flying into the stratosphere. Because corporal punishment is funny Seamus...
Seamus went the wrong way. Bart didn’t care and followed Lisa to History of Magic.
...
In history of Magic they had a new teacher, a rather masculine looking woman in an out of fashion pink dress trying to look obviously female despite her five o clock shadow.
Seamus was the one to question her gender when he tried to sit on the benches and ended up facing backwards.
“Seamus sit properly!” the teacher yelled in a deep manly voice.
“I’m sorry sir! Let me just-“
“I’m a woman! You address me as Ma’am!” said the teacher shouting.
“I’m sorry sir!” Seamus apologised.
“It’s ma’am! Are you blind?!” The teacher yelled.
Eventually they learned about magic history.
“The Salem Witch Trials were started in Jamestown, Salem, Massachusetts by... Lisa put down your hand and be silent!” The teacher strangely openly hated Lisa for being an insufferable know it all.
Lisa glared and scowled.
“Yes Oscar?” The teacher asked Oscar even though he didn’t put up his hand to answer.
“Um... Michael Jackson?” said Oscar giving a stupid answer.
Everyone laughed.
“Shut up! Stop laughing!” The teacher yelled.
...
At lunch Bart started a food fight.
“Food fight!” Bart yelled. Everyone threw food. Lisa got splattered with mashed potato.
This transitioned to her getting hit with dodgeballs in gym.
“My school’s gym uses bludgers...” said Harry Potter being assaulted by bludgers. The bludgers cackled and made animal like sounds as they flew at him.
“We don’t care Harry...” saidBart.
Next was Astronomy class. Unfortunately the substitute was a flat Earther...
“Quiet,,, quiet class! Sit down!” said the joyful and nice teacher. “Now good afternoon. The Earth is flat and we live in a dome of stars.” said the Flat Earth teacher. “Which is on the backs of four elephants on the back of a turtle.”
Bart was mortified by her stupidity but smirked because he could give stupid answers in class and she’d probably agree with him and give him good grades for whatever drivel he submits for homework. Plus it amused him that she was getting on Lisa’s nerves.
Lisa was seething, resisting the urge to shout out at the teacher.
However what made her snap was when the Flat Earth teacher said that everything revolves round the Earth.
“Aaaaaaagh!” Lisa screamed in blind rage. “You’re wrong! Everything you just said is wrong! This whole damn system is wrong!”
Of course for shouting at a teacher she got detention.
Bart found it amusing to see Lisa for once doing lines.
...