The Blue and the Gray Marge is turning gray. And Homer becomes a wingman to Moe.
The title screen is Pie Man and Cupcake Kid flying,
The billboard gag is “Springfield Dinner Theatre: Dr Hibbert and Mrs Skinner butcher Driving Miss Daisy.”
The chalkboard gag is “I will not make fun of Cupid’s dink.” Cupid covered his groin with his hands and blushed.
The couch gag is the Simpsons diving onto the couch but Homer hurts his leg and cries in agony. Mr Burns as a coach sends the paramedics to carry him off and substitutes him for Barney. Barney Gumble sits on the couch next to Marge.
The episode opens across Springfield one Valentine’s Day while the song You’re nobody by Dean Martin plays. Crazy cat lady is yelling and ranting and throwing her cats at people.
Suddenly a Crazy Dog Man arrives with lots of dogs and puppies. He yells and shouts. The two crazies start to argue and bicker before suddenly falling in love at first sight. They talk about how they love each other and Cat Lady teases Dog Man with a cat and laughs a sultry laugh. Meanwhile their pets are fighting each other.
“Eh... they’re harmless. Unlike that non verbal guy who shares a cell with Decapitating Harry...” said Wiggum.
The nonverbal poisoner yelled in gibberish before grabbing and injecting someone with a lethal poison. They died. He muttered in gibberish while dragging them off somewhere. Probably to wear their skin...
Exiting from Moe’s is Lenny and Carl, dating each other’s sister... Eeeeeew!
“You know Lenny, I love our Valentine’s Day tradition of dating each other’s sisters!” said Carl.
“Yeah. Isn’t there anything better than seeing my best friend’s face on a girl’s body...” said Lenny. Okay now that’s disturbing...
“Not that I can think of... nothing better...” said Carl.
In the tavern, Moe serves Homer a drink that consists of A splash of Jaegermeister in some pink lemonade and a few pieces of a cherry flavoured chapstick mixed in. Yeeeeuck! It turned a very unromantic grey...
“Now you just need some customers.” said Homer wondering why he was the only one in tonight.
Moe laughed a sad laugh. “Why do I always screw up my business ventures...”
“That British pub you opened with Marge, the weird Andy Warhol lounge and the gay bar were never gonna work...” said Homer. He drank his disgusting grey cocktail. “Okay better get home to the little woman.” said Homer.
“Alright see ya.” said Moe.
However Homer stopped because he saw that Moe was sighing and cleaning his beer glasses. Yeah it’s another Homer bonds with Moe and helps out with his love life.
“I hope not! Last time I helped Moe with a chick I ended up in jail for stealing his hippy car and driving it into a lake...” said Homer.
“And the time that your dad possessed my love tester machine.” said Moe.
“Hello son!” said Abe from inside the Love Tester machine.
“Dad get your soul out of there!” Homer yelled.
Abe’s soul left the Love Tester Machine.
“You’re no fun!” Abe whined.
“Dad I am trying to talk to my friend!” Homer whined. “Anyway Moe, what about that midget you were dating?”
“Uh she dun wanna see me no more. I think she’s in a British crime drama now.” said Moe. Because British crime Dramas need to fill up the diversity of their cast and characters with a midget. Apparently Midget is a disability now...
“Oh well... see you.” said Homer leaving. He then felt the need to check on Moe.
Moe was crying. “Hey, hey! Stop opening doors!” Moe whined as he cried. Suddenly the phone rings.
"Hold on, just a sec." the bartender responded. "Erm...uh...phone call for Connie Lingus! Connie Lingus! Does anyone have a Connie Lingus here?!"
But the bar was empty after Homer left as he was the last to go home. Everyone had left early to be with their wives or girlfriends because it was valentines night.
“Oh yeah. everyone has gone home.” Oh well...” said Moe putting down the phone.
At the Simpsons house. Bart, the still unknown prank phone call practical joker frowned, annoyed he didn’t get an angry response from Moe.
Oscar was writing this episode in Moe’s while they watched more odd programmes on the TV.
“And now back to this evening’s historical drama, Hitler and Eva Braun: Crazy in love.” said the TV. The song Crazy in love by Beyoncé played.
“Even you let me down, Hitler!” Moe snapped as he turned over the TV.
“And now This evening’s movie. Sister Act 3: Without Whoopi.” said the TV.
Oscar screamed. “Noooooo! You can’t make a Sister Act Sequel without Whoopi!” He cried and sobbed. “I need to go home and watch some Star Trek The Next Generation. Bye Moe...” said Oscar leaving.
“...eh... They say for every lonely man on Earth there’s one woman...” said Moe. Somewhere in the world there was a female Moe in an apartment block lonely. She hung herself... That’s dark!
Oscar went home to the Simpsons to watch Star Trek The Next Generation episodes featuring Whoopi Goldberg. And Skyping Comic Book Guy on a nerd Skype. “Nothing much just watching Star Trek: TNG episodes with Whoopi Goldberg in them...” said Oscar.
Comic Book Guy sighed. “You are obsessed with Whoopi Goldberg...”
Meanwhile Bart came into the kitchen with Hugo and Lisa collecting their valentines cards from school. “Even Hugo got some cards.” said Bart.
Hugo blushed and giggled.
“That’s because the school made it mandatory to give each kid a Valentine’s card each, so some snowflakes don’t kill themselves...” said Lisa.
“Yeah giving out those love candy sweets with rude messages probably caused all this mess...” Bart sighed. He spilled out from his shirt some love hearts candy with rude messages like “Ur a pig.” He ate one. “Bleeeugh! They taste chalky and tasteless!”
“What is this emotion called Wuv?” Hugo asked reading his valentines cards.
“I think it means Love, Hugo.” said Lisa.
“No, it says Wuv. With an Earth W. Behold!” said Hugo showing her his valentines card where someone wrote Wuv for love.
“This concept of Wuv confuses and infuriates us!!” Bart screamed angrily.
It was the next morning. February the 15th. Marge and Homer had clearly had a romantic night of passionate sex and cocktails...
The alarm clock buzzes. Marge gasped because it was 7:25 am. “Homer wake up! We only have five minutes until the school bus arrives!”
“Aaaaagh! Drive my kids to school?! No way!” Homer screamed. He got up but tripped and face planted. “Oof!” Because his leg was tied to the bed by a work tie. Mmmmmm... bondage... He struggles to untie the knot. “Oh! Stupid double snuggler’s hitch! I’ll have to chew my own leg off!” Homer chews his leg. “Ow! Ow! Oh that hurts! Oh! Not bad! Mmmmmm! 127 hours...” 127 hours is that movie where that guy gets his arm trapped under a boulder and has to amputate it. I don’t know if he chewed his arm off...
Meanwhile Bart was sleeping when he was woken by Homer face planting. “Oof!” And... “Stupid double snuggler’s hitch!” Bart snickered and slept soundly.
Marge left Homer struggling because she had more important dialemmas... namely she had a grey hair!
Marge screamed! “Nyaaaaaagh! A grey hair!
“What is it sweetie?” said Homer eventually getting out of the knot.
“Homer I have a grey hair!” said Marge.
Homer screamed. “Don’t worry... you’ll always be my silver belle!” said Homer.
“Ooooooh! Homie! You always say the nicest things.” said Marge snogging him. Otto’s bus bibbed its horn but Marge and Homer didn’t care as they snogged.
Meanwhile Moe attended a single men’s night with Willie, Skinner and other bachelors. They discussed things such as them missing Kirk Van Houten now that he was back with Luanne.
“Well we have Ned Flanders now, arrrrrr...” Sea Captain sighed.
“No one likes Ned!” said Chalmers.
“I like Ned...” said Moleman.
Then their host Dr Kissingher, Dr Kissing-her.... arrived. He explained he can help turn them from couch potato to love tornado. There was a yellow tornado wearing sunglasses and disco clothes dancing with ladies.
“That looks more like a cheez toob corn snack...” said Oscar.
Then Dr Kissingher mentioned Sister act 3. The one without Whoopi.
“There is no Sister Act 3 yet! And they most certainly wouldn’t make it without Whoopi!” said Oscar ranting.
“Get out...” Dr Kissingher sighed.
After Oscar left Willie whined about being paid in chickens.
“I’ve paid you in food!” Skinner sighed.
“I don’t like Chicken!!” Willie yelled.
Moe was asking Dr Kissingher for relationship advice.
“Aghhhhhh! A monster!” Dr Kissingher yelled. “No I’m sorry, that was most unprofessional...”
“That’s okay. At least you said something to me. Most chicks just spray mace in my eyes...” said Moe.
“Okay tell me about yourself.” said Dr Kissingher.
“Well as boy I had roundworms. In fact at one point I was more worm than boy...” said Moe.
“I’ll say!” said God Emperor Leto II from Dune as a sand worm hybrid.
“I dabbled in Satanism, until they asked me to leave...” said Moe. Yes, even Satanists didn’t want him... “And I once ate nothing but aquarium fish.”
Dr Kissingher explained he needed a wing man.
“Wait! Now there’s a bird involved?!” Moe asked. Then he got what it meant. He went through his phone for a friend so repulsive they wouldn’t steal his bird. He chose a picture of Homer stuck in a snooker table with his head sticking out of one hole and an arm sticking out of another.
“I have no idea how that happened...” Moe asked himself confused.
Next was Willie’s turn. “Um well. Gee... I get pissed as a fart on scotch whiskey and I smoosh squirrels with a shovel all day.” said Willie. The Ice Age Squirrels declared war on him.
“Let me put that into romantic words. “Hello I’m William, I am a connoisseur of fine spirits and I love animals to death.” said Dr Kissingher.
Marge went to Julio’s salon to sort out her grey hair.
“And then I cut his hair and he readjusted my mortgage...” said a customer.
“Uh huh. He’ll do that darling...” said Julio.
Marge enters the salon.
“Ah Marge! And how was your valentines night?” Julio asked.
“Oh it was romantic! Homer put the basketball game on mute and I found a grey hair no biggy...” said Marge.
Julio looked like he had something to tell her.
“Marge sit down.”
She sat down. Julio brushed her hair. “Sweetie you’ve been more grey than Seattle Cinco de Mayo for ages.” He showed that the core of her beehive was now grey.
“Surely I would have seen that!” said Marge.
“Yes, but not only does the dye colour your hair, the fumes wipe the experience from your mind...” said Julio.
“Jimothy! Aquanetta! It’s touch up time! Come on people!” said Julio.
“Those are not real names...” Oscar sighed wearing tin foil in his hair for a hair treatment. I don’t know why women do that, they just wear tin foil for some reason.
While Julio treated a Marge’s hair a customer arrived.
“Oh I’m sorry Jeanette! I’m going to have to reschedule! It’s the battle of the blues and greys and I’m Gaybraham Lincoln baby!” said Julio.
Marge had a thinking cloud. In the cloud she dreamt of a gay Abraham Lincoln snogging a gay George Washington.
“Hmmmmmm! Now why did I dream that?!” She asked herself.
Marge came home with her entire beehive grey! And a bucket of chicken. Mmmmmmm! Chicken...
“Everyone! I’m home! I brought chicken! And a whole new hair style!”
“Mmmmmmm! Fried Chicken...” Oscar drooled. Then when he saw Marge’s grey hair he screamed in anguish.
“A whole new hairstyle!” Marge repeated itself.
Everyone lied that it was lovely.
Oscar was the only one who was brutally honest. “You look like Amy Winehouse’s grandmother!”
“Oz! That’s so rude!” Lisa told Oscar off.
“Hmmmmmm! Homie what do you think?” Marge asked Homer.
Homer was horrified but couldn’t insult his wife whom he loved dearly. “Um...”
Inside his head were loads of tiny Homers in an office frantically finding him something to say.
“Come on! Come on!” They begged the boss.
The CEO of Homer’s Brain thought. “Um.... Chicken...”
“D’oh!” Homer in the real world groaned. “I mean, darling you will always beautiful to me... my silver belle...”
“Oooooh! Homie!” Marge hugged him and they snogged. Once she gave him a breather to just hug he bit his wrist and gulped.
“Agh! What has she done?! It’s like I’m married to Richard Gere!” His brain screamed.
In a dream the Simpsons have dinner. However instead of Marge, they live with Richard Gere.
Bart was about to greedily scarf his dinner.
“No boy... we pray first...” said Homer sharply, stopping him.
“Okay! Rub a dub dub! Thanks for the grub!” Bart prayed a silly prayer then started devouring his food.
Homer growled. “No! Now shut up and sit quietly! No one touch their food!” He prayed.
“Excellent idea darling.” said gay Richard Gere. He sat cross legged and meditated. Lisa meditated as well.
“Ooooooooom! Oooooooom!” Richard and Lisa chanted while trying to find enlightenment.
His dream ended suddenly. “Stupid Richard Gere turning my daughter into a heretic!”
Homer was horrified by Marge’s grey hair but couldn’t bring himself to tell her how he felt. Suddenly the phone rang and he answered it.
“I can’t talk right now. I’m talking to myself.” He said to the other person on the line and then put the phone down. “So Homer, how are you doing today?”
“Not great, I just found out my wife’s hair is going grey and she’s just accepting it...” said Homer to himself.
The phone rang again.
“Homer just answer it...” said internal Homer.
“Okay. Thanks Homer!” Homer said to himself and he answered the phone. “Yello?”
“Hey Homer. It’s Moe. Look I need a wing man.” said Moe.
“Oh thank you, prior obligation!” said Homer.
He took off in his car to see Moe.
Then Bart and Lisa had an existential crisis!
“I just have one question Mom. Where does my head end and my hair start?!” Bart asked. “Head, head, head... where’s the hair?!”
“Oh my god! Me too! Where’s the boarder?! Aghhhh!” Lisa yelled anxious about where head ends and her hair begins.
“What are we?!” Hugo screamed.
“I can’t take it! I’m gonna draw a hairline on!” Bart cried as he drew a hairline on his head with a black marker pen.
“Hey! Stop that!” Matt told them off.
Homer was at a party with Moe being his wingman. Basically this is a friend who makes you look good to women by bigging you up etc.
“Like West Virginia to Virginia...” said Homer to Moe. He chuckled.
This sub plot meant he could relax and not have to think about Marge’s grey hair.
“Hey look! A bottomless pitcher of beer and a circumferenceless plate of nachos and cheese!” said a guy.
“Out of the way!” Homer yelled, barging past and greedily devouring the nachos and drinking all the beer.
The next afternoon he was relaxing in the lounge when Marge arrived with a glass of lemonade with ice.
“Hey there hot stuff! I figured you might need to cool down...” said Marge seductively.
Homer screamed when he saw her grey hair. “Aaaaaagh! I men. Ah!ello darling!” He said trying to make his scream into a hello. “Oh god! Now come on Homer! Imagine her as a James Bond girl...”
He imagined her as Judi Dench... Eeeeew!
“Awwwwwww! Judi Dench?!” Homer whined.
“Kiss me Double oh Seven!” said Judi Dench pursing her lips for a big wet kiss. Eeeeew!
“Ohohoho! Good show Mr Bond!” said James Bond’s arch enemies such as Blofeld, Oddjob, Jaws, Goldfinger, Emilio Largo etc. They laughed as James Bond reluctantly snogged Judi Dench.
At School Lisa took out a ridiculously huge macaroni picture... but the Wind took it away.
“Ah! Help! My macaroni Marconi!” Lisa cried as she chased after it. Marge went with her to catch it.
“Bart, what happened to your mom’s hair? Did she see the vampire off Sesame Street and got scared?!” Milhouse asked doing a claw gesture when saying vampire.
“Get back to your own country!” Marge yelled.
“Mom stop being racist...” said Bart.
“Cos they should really warn you when he comes on...” said Milhouse.
“Look I don’t want to talk about my mom’s hair, alright...?” Bart whined.
“It’s just that I used to think she was hot....” said Milhouse. Eeeeeew!
“You take that back!” Bart yelled.
“What I mean is I don’t find her hot anymore.” said Milhouse.
“You take that back!” Bart yelled pushing Milhouse over.
“Coooool!” said Nelson watching them fight.
Milhouse smacked Bart with his lunchbox.
“Ow!” Bart grabbed Milhouse’s coat collar and dragged him to the see saw and slammed it on his head repeatedly.
Marge went shopping but to her annoyance because of her grey hair everyone mistook her for her mother!
“Jacqueline? Is that you? Oh and here I was just asking my mother if she was going to play bingo at the home with you!” said Luanne.
“Luanne! It’s me Marge!” said Grey haired Marge.
Jacqueline Bouvier hmmmmed as she did her shopping with Patty and Selma.
Luanne was startled as to why Marge was grey all of a sudden.
“She looks like my granny when she went to sleep in her forever box!” said Ralph.
“Marge, you think you look old...” said undead Donovan from The Last Crusade with long white hair.
Lisa was at the magazine rack. “Hmmmmm! Let’s see what cousin Jessica is up to.” She read a magazine with Jessica Simpson on it.
“Well I’m gonna read up on what Uncle OJ is up to.” said Hugo wearing glasses and a white lab coat. OJ Simpson was in trouble with the law again.
“Oh OJ...” Lisa sighed glancing at Hugo’s magazine.
Marge reassured herself by looking at herself in the freezer doors. “Now, there’s a woman who has it all under control!”
Maggie gave her a jar of pickles. Maggie likes pickles for some reason. On the jar was a fat Marge with grey hair as the mascot. Old maid pickles or something.
“Hrmmmmmm...” Marge sighed when she saw the mascot of the pickles.
“Ah! Kosher pickles! Pickles for Jews!” said Jurkle picking up some pickles to put in his mom’s trolly.
“That’s not why they’re called kosher pickles Jurkle... all pickles are ‘kosher’ that just means they were preserved in a vinegar of kosher salt...” said Lisa reading about her cousin Jessica.
Marge was with her kids paying for her shopping at the till.
“You can’t let those women and uh Ralph judge you Mom! They hate change! They didn’t like it when the Springfield Shopper started printing in colour...” said Lisa.
“Neither did I! I don’t want to see what colour the Statue of Liberty is!” said Marge.
To fill up space.
After Lisa’s very odd outing to the shops during school hours she went to music instruments class. But Mr Largo had news.
“Class I am going under gender reassignment surgery, again... let’s hope Dr Nick doesn’t turn me into a freak again..” said Mr Dewey Largo. “So, while I’m away my cousin Emilio Largo will be teaching you. Good riddance...” Mr Largo left. The kids gasped in horror as Emilio Largo, played by Adolfo Celi arrived with an eye patch on his eye stroking a shark.
“Okay class, listen up. We will be playing My Country Tis of Thee. And there will be no failures in this class... I do not tolerate failure...” said Emilio Largo.
The kids shivered, frightened.
Meanwhile Bart was in very big trouble with Skinner because he was in his office for the umpteenth time...
“Bart, witnesses to your super fight with Milhouse described you as berserkoid and totally Aggro. And you punched Milhouse fifty million times!” said Skinner. Bart looked worried like he was in trouble. “That’s an excessive number of times!”
Bart was worried he was gonna get yelled at.
“What’s wrong son?” Skinner asked softly.
“Uh?” Bart was shocked he was being nice. “Um... well... I don’t really wanna talk about it...”
“Thank god... I don’t want to either...” said Skinner.
Bart was sent to Dr Pryor, the school psychiatrist from Bart the Genius.
However as he went to Dr Pryor, another lady psychiatrist ran out screaming when she saw him. “Aaaaaaaagh! Dark Stanley is going to eat my brains!”
Bart grimaced as he saw her run away.
“Now Bart anything you say in here is totally confidential.” said Dr Pryor.
“Can we close the door?” Bart asked.
“Oh there is no door. State regulations.” said Dr Pryor.
Sherri and Terri walked past the door way and teased Bart.
“Oooooh Bart! What’s it like having a Mom who’s aged thirty years in a day?!” One of the twins taunted him and laughed as they left.
“Don’t judge them to harshly Bart. They just found out they were two thirds of conjoined triplets.” said Dr Pryor. Cooooool!
Bart grimaced and made a face with one big eye and his other eye squinting.
Hugo laughed. “Hehehehe! Coooool!”
“And the third is out on the loose looking for revenge!” Dr Pryor continued.
“Cooooooool!” said Hugo.
“Doc! Don’t give my brother ideas...” Bart sighed. “And Hugo, this is a private therapy! Go away!”
Hugo went off to lessons.
“Now Bart you should feel comfortable to discuss with me your every intimate details that are troubling you...” said Dr Pryor.
“Um I don’t want to...” said Bart.
“Okay, how about to my colleague Mr Bear?” Dr Pryor brought out a teddy bear.
Bart made a baffled face. “Doc I am not talking to a teddy bear...”
Marge went to a coffee bistro cafe thing. Her sisters were there.
“Oh look Marge! Your hair finally committed Blueicide! Ahahaha!” said Patty laughing. Her sister Selma laughed too.
Loads of Smurfs screamed and ran off.
“As my sisters, I figured you’d be supportive... after all you both went grey...” said Marge.
“Nope. This is just cigarette smoke and ash...” said Patty. Patty and Selma fluffed out the ash and smoke from their hair. Patty was naturally a red head and Selma was blonde. The smoke cloud caused a plane to crash into a mountain.
“So Marge, what does your husband, Vidal Baboon think about you going grey...” said Selma.
We cut to hairstylist and philanthropist Vidal Sassoon as a baboon screeching and smashing up his hair saloon because apes and monkeys are batshit insane.
Marge took a coffee and left in a bad mood.
“Whoa Midge! What’s got ya scowling? Did some kids eat your candy house and push you into your oven?” Moe asked.
“No! And you’re the eighth person to ask me that today!” Marge snapped.
“Ha ha! Very funny! Not!” said Susan the witch from Treehouse of Horror XI’s Scary Tales can come true.
At school once Bart was left with Mr Bear the Teddy bear.
“Hello there partner! I’m Mr Bear! And I fancy some marmalade sandwiches!” said Mr Bear the teddy bear. Yeah he talks now.... hehehe! Paddington Bear...
Bart frowned and grabbed the bear and ripped its head off. It screamed and died. “Come on! Where’s the hidden camera...”
Skinner and Chalmers were watching him on a hidden camera.
“They never think to look behind the Jazz Fest poster...” said Skinner.
In music instrument lessons, Lewis clone was playing the cymbals. But he played a bad note.
“Terrible...” said Emilio Largo. He pulled a lever and Lewis Clone fell into a shark pool and was eaten alive by sharks.
Bart got out of his psychiatrist meeting of talking to plushies and looking at ink blots to encounter what looked like either Sherri or Terri but their purple hair was matted and knotted, an possibly at some parts ripped out. Their clothes were ripped and shabby and they hand sunken eyes and buck teeth like Hugo’s.
Bart got the same sudden bout of anxiety and fear that he got when ever Hugo was nearby. “W-w-why are you here?” He stammered too frightened to spout off a sarcastic I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? Or an Eat my shorts!
“Oh I’m here to see my dear sisters... I haven’t seen them for very long time... since we were born in fact...”
Bart squinted at the fourth wall.
Meanwhile Marge was annoyed by Moe calling her a witch and her friends mistaking her for her own mother.
”Aaaaaagh! A witch!” Moe screamed.
”Moe stop that!” Marge yelled.
“Sir, would you be my wingman? We could try it out this weekend at the "Faculty Follies" after-party.” said Skinner to Chalmers.
Chalmers sighed exasperated. Seymour why....?
“One thing-- what if there's a woman we both like?” asked Skinner.
”Well, we'll use the time-honored "I saw her first" rule.“ said Chalmers.
”What if I see her hand at the same time you see her face?“ Skinner asked.
“Face beats hand!“ Chalmers said sharply.
A woman slapped him across the face.
”You were saying sir?” Skinner was grinning like a Cheshire Cat.