Simpsons Bible Stories The Simpsons fall asleep in church after Reverend Lovejoy has to lecture everyone because Homer donated a chocolate bunny for Easter to the money tray since it was erm, Easter...
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One Easter weekend the Simpsons are in church. It is a very hot Easter...
“Now everyone give to the charity plate as if the person next to you was watching.” said Lovejoy.
People groan and donate money.
The Simpsons except Hugo (Oscar was bribed with extra pudding last night to hood wink the Simpsons into leaving him at home.) are exhausted and sweltering as they fan themselves with liturgical books.
“Boy this is one hot Easter...” Homer groaned sweating as he tried to cool himself.
“Even that praying mantis is starting to lose it.” said Bart.
A praying mantis, yes this actually is in the canon episode... a praying mantis was exhausted from the heat trying to pray before giving up and leaving.
Oscar laughed while fanning himself to cool down.
However Homer gave a chocolate bunny to the money tray, because it's Easter.
”Homer!” Marge tells him off for offering the money tray a chocolate bunny.
”What? It is Easter after all!” said Homer.
”Stop eating my people!” The white chocolate rabbit whined.
”Shut up not even real chocolate!” said Homer.
”Who offered this heathen artefact?!” Lovejoy yelled when he saw the chocolate bunny on the money tray.
Lovejoy is furious at this pagan display and decides to bore everyone with a lecture from the bible about what Easter is really all about.
Lovejoy starts reading Genesis.
“Uh Reverend I cant here you over these fans!” Ned asked.
“Fine...” said Lovejoy and he switched off the fans.
Everyone groaned even more.
Marge surprisingly is the first to nod off. She dreams about Adam and Eve, with Homer and Marge playing those roles respectively. And Ned as God. Homer as Adam asks for a woman. Ned as God makes Marge exist. Then he gives them magazines to occupy themselves. But warns of the forbidden tree. A talking pig lets Homer have some of his bacon. He literally takes bacon from the pig’s stomach. However it doesn’t harm the pig as he smiles happy to Fred his friend bacon.
Adam and Eve are naming the animals. There is a groundhog.
“Hmmmmm, I think we’ll name this a groundhog.” said Marge as Eve.
“Nope, already named it. I call it, land monster...” said Homer.
“Well, what do you call that then?” Marge as Eve asked Homer While pointing to Snake as a snake.
“Branch Monster.” said Homer.
“Please... call me Snake...” said Snake as the serpent.
The story continues as expected with Snake as the snake. However when caught, Homer blames everything on Marge and only she gets flicked out of the Garden of Eden.
However Homer gets lonely and feels guilty from blaming Marge. With a little help from a young unicorn with a Disney voice they help Marge sneak back in. However the unicorn dies.
Then Ned as God finds out and has both of them kicked out.
Marge wakes up to Reverend Lovejoy explaining that God would never forgive Man for that incident. Um he did eventually, but we're still banned from the Garden of Eden.
Next is Homer's dream. He dreams he's King Solomon the wise. He cuts a pie in two halves but eats them and has Lenny and Carl executed. However his dream isn't very long as Bart bites him because he was laying on him.
Next is Lisa's dream. It is set in the Exodus. With a Milhouse as Moses and Lisa and Bart as slaves.
Bart is arrested for building a pyramid upside down and graffiting a statue. Principal Skinner is the evil Pharaoh.
Milhouse asks half heartedly for Skinner to let his people go, however he's punished with being made to work on the pyramid.
Slave Oscar complains that the Rugrats version was more fun.
"You're only saying that because they wore diapers..." Bart groans.
"No I'm not, Chuckie...." Oscar replied.
"Stop calling me that!" Bart yells.
Meanwhile Lisa and Milhouse try to make the plagues happen.
"I don't think we can turn water into blood, but I've got some frogs." Lisa explained.
They drop the frogs into the Royal tent. However the Pharaoh and his court eat them.
"You're not supposed to eat them! That was one of God's plagues!" Lisa yelled.
"Ra would never send plagues! Seize them!" Skinner demands.
Lisa and Milhouse are trapped in the pyramid.
"Think Milhouse! There must be a secret switch somewhere." Lisa looked around the burial chamber.
Milhouse finds an ominously labled with hieroglyphs switch. He pushes it and exactly as the hieroglyphs warned spikes come out of the walls and the walls close in on them...
"Milhouse!" Lisa cries. However the spikes get dented on each other as they weren't placed properly.
"Good thing this trap wasn't built properly..." Lisa sighed. They escape the trap and the pyramid.
That night they free Bart and Oscar from prison. Slaves plot to escape when all of the toilets are flushed at once, which parts the Red Sea. They all cross the dry sea bed.
However when Skinner finds out they're escaping he sends his soldiers across. However the sea comes back together and drowns them.
"Now what?" Milhouse asks, not knowing what to do with their new found freedom.
"We must cross the desert until we find somewhere to live. Looks like we have a long journey ahead of us people." Lisa explained. Everyone groans.
"Hey look! Mana!" Bart remarks. They head towards the mana.
Lisa wakes up from her dream to find everyone sleeping. She goes back to sleep. Bart is using Marge's hair as a pillow.
In Bart's dream.
Bart dreams he is King David of David and Goliath. However his story is set after David has already killed Goliath. Bart as David is being waited on by his maids and servants and entertained by Krusty when Grampa Simpson as David's friend arrives dying with a knife in his back.
"Who did this to you?!" Bart asks.
"Goliaaaath..." Grampa groans with his dying breath.
"But I killed Goliath!" Bart explains.
"I meant his son... Goliath II..." Grampa adds before dying again.
"Noooooooo!" Bart as David cries. "That's it Goliath II! This time it's personal!"
There is then a cool title gag.
Then Bart as David arrives at an arena where he agreed to fight Goliath II.
However Santa's Little Helper guest stars as a talking dog.
"Hi there Davy... You look like you've put on a little weight there Davy..." says the talking dog.
"Why is there a talking dog...?" Bart asks the camera. Um, I don't know...
Goliath II then arrives. He is played by a giant Nelson.
"You killed my friend!" Bart as David yelled.
"Well you killed my Dad!" Goliath II replied.
"Um... Why am I the hero again?" Bart asks the camera. "Never mind, I'll finish you off once I find a nice rock..." however the arena has no rocks laying about. "Uh... can we reschedule?" Bart asks sheepishly.
Goliath II grabs him. Bart then grabs his knife and cuts off some of his hair.
"Ah ha! I have cut your hair! Now you're powerless!" Bart declares.
"That's Samson you idiot!" Nelson replied. The giant bully put Bart in his slingshot and swung him really hard and he flew away. Nelson then found King David/Bart's crown on the floor. "I proclaim myself as your new king!"
Everyone does Nelson laughs.
Bart/David lands in a big mud puddle and gets covered in mud! Hehehe! Mud!
"I hope this doesn't get into the bible..." Bart groans as he gets up.
A Ralph shepherd passes by.
"You're my hero!" said Ralph.
"I'm nobody's hero Kid. Find yourself a new hero..." Bart sighed.
"Ok." Ralph went into town to fight Goliath II apparently. However he soon died...
"Nooooooo!" Bart as David cried. "This time it really is personal.
There is a musical segment of Bart working out with Ralph's sheep. Eventually he's ready to fight Nelson again.
Bart arrives at Goliath II's tower. He uses a grappling hook to get up there but accidentally kills one the guards and drags them from their balcony.
"Whoops..." Bart gulps brushing the dead guard aside.
Then a whale skeleton nearly crushes him. Inside is a human skeleton.
"Noooooo! Jonah!" Bart cries. Then two giant corn cob holders fall. "Well that's handy..." Bart climbs up the tower with the corn cob holders.
In his chambers Nelson remarks he has killed several giant slayers today. "I deserve a cigar!" Nelson as Goliath II lights a cigar and smokes it.
"Don't you know smoking is bad for you?!" Bart explains eager for another battle.
However Nelson grabs him. "I just ate, but I could do with a snack."
Bart grabs a giant sized lamp. "Fine, hope I don't give you heartburn!" He throws the lamp down Nelson's throat somehow and he explodes along with the tower. Bart lands burnt in front of all of his people.
"People! I've slain the evil tyrant Goliath II and Return as your king! I didn't see a body, but I'm sure there's no way he could have survived that blast.
However an angry giant Nelson bursts out of the tower, badly burnt and growling while A night on bald mountain plays.
"Ay carumba!" Bart yells. However Nelson dies as someone stabs him in the back of his head with a gravestone. That someone is Ralph the shepherd.
"Ralph! You're alive?!" Bart asks.
"Of course silly!" Ralph replies. He collects Bart's crown and puts it back on Bart's head. "All hail king David! My hero!"
Everyone cheers David repeatedly.
"Aw shucks!" Bart as King David blushes.
Bart wakes up to find everyone in church has gone home. Even Reverend Lovejoy. Bart urgently wakes his family up.
"Oh my! We slept through church! How embarrassing..." Marge gasped as they got up and left.
"Don't worry... It's not like it's the end of the world..." Homer remarked.
However it was.... Outside it was raining fire and four horse men of the apocalypse were riding around of their skeleton horses.
"Oh no! It's the apocalypse!" Marge lamented. "Bart are you wearing clean underwear?"
Bart gulps. "Not anymore!"
"Eeeeeeeeeeew!" Oscar yelled. "Poopy diaper baby!" He mocked Bart. "Does baby need to wear a diapee?!"
"Oscar! Stop teasing him!" Marge told Oscar off.
"Why is Oscar here anyway? And where's Hugo?" Lisa asked.
"He traded his dessert so I'd help him stay home from church. Homer seemed to agree with it." said Oscar.
"Anything to stop your shenanigans insisting Hugo is canon!" said Homer.
The Flanders are then raptured and taken to heaven.
Lisa, and only Lisa is then raptured. However Homer grabs her.
"Hey we either all go to heaven, or none of us do!" Homer tells her.
Lisa grumbles and mutters.
A hole into Hell opens up with a staircase leading down.
"Ooooooh! I smell barbecue!" Homer declares. He eagerly runs down into Hell. The family shrug their shoulders and follow him. "Hehehehe! Look at this guy!"
Suddenly Homer screams in agony. "Aaaaaaaagh! These hotdogs are really hot! And aaaaagh! There's pineapple in the coleslaw! This truly is Hell!" Homer screams again. "Aaaaaaaaagh! German potato salad!"