Selma's Choice Selma agrees to take the kids to the Duff Beer Gardens after Homer makes himself sick eating an expired hoagie sandwich.
Plot[]
Chalkboard gag: I will not yell "she's dead!" at roll call
....
Patty and Selma are babysitting again. Homer comes home with tickets to the Duff Beer gardens and promises to take the kids, and Oscar, too. They went before but now there was a new ride.
"Yay!" The kids cheer.
"Is that place actually for children..." Patty remarks.
"Eh, I still remember the kids acting up. Must get it from their father..." said Selma.
“Like when Lisa went crazy and insisted she was the Lizard Queen....” said Oscar.
”I am the Lizard Queen!” said Lisa demented.
Oscar face palmed.
“This commercial I illegally recorded will answer your questions ladies.” said Homer.
There was a commercial of Lance Murdock leaping his motorcycle over fire and crashing into a wall. Ouch!
“Coooool!” said Bart.
“Hmmmmmm!” Marge angry over the time he tried to jump Springfield Gorge and broke every bone in his body covered his eyes.
“Mom! I’m not gonna copy Lance Murdock ever again. I’m not that stupid...” Bart pleaded.
“Well I should think not!” said Marge.
“Lance Murdock you’ve just leapt over six flaming cars! What will you do next?” Troy McClure asked him.
“Go to Duff Beer Gardens!” He groaned in agony.
Lance Murdock in bandages rode on a rollercoaster.
“The Whiplash. To be completed in 2001.” said Troy McClure. Lance screams as the car of the ride falls off the incomplete rollercoaster tracks to certain doom!
“Cooooool!” said Bart.
“The washing machine!” Lance was on a ride that sprays you with lots of water.
“And the aquarium with the happiest fish! The beerquarium...” said Troy.
There was a giant glass of beer with drunk fish in it. One was head butting the side of the tank. One was swimming in a circle groaning and one burped like Barney.
Oscar laughed at the drunk fish. Lisa was annoyed.
“That is not funny! That’s barbaric!” Lisa yelled.
“Rev up that car! We are going to Duff Beer Gardens!” said Bart.
“Remember kids. What do we say when we’re at the ticket booth?” said Homer.
“We’re six...” said Bart.
“And Bart has a colostomy bag...” said Lisa.
”Hey that one isn’t a fib. I really do have a colostomy bag after I fell into the Springfield gorge and fractured every bone in my body.” said Bart.
Lisa laughed at him.
“And I’m a college student! Good!” said Homer.
"Can we bring Oscar, too?" Bart chimed in.
“No! He’s gay!” Homer yelled, calling things he disliked gay. I know, I sometimes call things that are lame or annoying gay sometimes.
“Homer!” Marge yelled angrily.
“Fine... he can come...” Homer sighed.
However Marge stopped them from going right that moment with news.
“Kids we’re supposed to be going to see your great aunt Gladys!” said Marge.
Everyone except Patty and Selma groaned.
“Gladys... Gladys...“ Bart ponders. “Bout yay high, blue hair and a dent in her hairdo?”
“No she looks more like your aunt Patty Sweetie.” said Marge.
....
At Ant or Aunt Gladys’s. Americans pronounce it Ant.
In canon the news was that she died. However she dies later on in my canon.
The Simpsons and Patty and Selma were bored. No one made a sound except for the grandfather clock ticking and its pendulum swinging.
Aunt Gladys coughed as she stroked her pet iguana Jub Jub.
(Iguana sounds) Jub Jub made iguana sounds.
Lisa went demented again.
”I am the Lizard Queen!” she chanted.
Bart face palmed.
Oscar was fast asleep.
Homer was thinking about the legend of the dog faced old woman. He suddenly cracked up laughing.
”The dog faced old woman! Oh god! That’s a classic!” He said laughing.
Marge grumbled at him. “Homer!”
Then they went to Krusty Burger.
They were sat in Krusty Burger eating. Homer was struggling to solve an easy kids menu maze.
"No Mr Teeny! Do not swim in the special sauce!" Krusty yelled.
Mr Teeny swam in the special sauce again.
"Eeeeeeew!" The Simpsons groaned.
...
However the day they got to go to Duff Gardens the kids wake Homer up for their trip only to find him laying in bed motionless, pale and with his tongue out.
The Simpson kids scream.
Oscar was waiting in the living room whilst he watched some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons on TV. He doesn’t care about the screaming from upstairs.
"Oh great, Dad's dead..." Bart remarks, not taking such a situation seriously. However Homer's alive but groans in pain.
"Oooooh..."
"Homer did you eat that sandwich?" Marge asks.
"Sandwich..." Homer groans and has a flashback.
Oscar pokes him.
"Ow! Who's doing that?! I'm trying to recall a memory here!" Homer groaned.
At a work picnic Homer finds an infinitely long hoagie laying uneaten on the buffet table.
"No one's made a dent in that ten foot hoagie." Carl comments.
"Mmmmhmmmm." said Lenny.
"I think I can give it a home..." Homer comments.
A week later he's still eating it while watching football.
"Homer, I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn..." Marge warns him as the hoagie has gone off.
"Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge.
Another week later Homer is doing his taxes when Marge brings in a purple rotten hoagie with mushrooms growing on it.
"Homer, I found this behind the radiator, I really think you should throw it out."
"Suggestion noted." Homer bites the rotten hoagie.
A day or so later. Probably longer... Homer was chasing Hugo round the house because he got out of the attic.
"Come here you naked little!" And apparently Hugo was naked too.
Marge came in.
"Homer..." something annoyed her.
"Yes dear?" said Homer holding Hugo. Hugo was wriggling.
"I thought I told you to throw this away! It's rancid!" Marge yelled holding the purple hoagie.
"Oh my baby!" Homer took the hoagie and resumed eating it.
Marge grumbled.
Back in the present Homer is still groaning in pain.
"Oh dear, you're very sick with food poisoning." Marge gasps. "I'm sorry kids, but your dad can't take you to the Duff Beer gardens."
"Aaaaaw!" They moan in disappointment.
"Don't worry, I'll see if Patty and Selma can take you." said Marge.
"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich." said Homer.
"Are you gonna eat it?" Marge asked.
Homer paused. "Yes."
Marge grumbled and took the purple hoagie off of him. He groaned.
"Okay that's disgusting!" Oscar groaned.
"Dad's eaten worse things..." said Bart.
Homer groaned.
...
Patty and Selma arrive.
"Oh great... now I'm even more sick..." Homer groaned fainting.
Marge sighed.
Selma agrees to take the kids to the Duff Beer Gardens.
"Come on kids, lets go," she says as they get in her and Patty's car. "It's at least what I could do to repay my young nephew who saved me from an explosive death that night of my honeymoon with my ex-fiancé." said Selma smiling at Bart and lovingly pinching his cheeks.
We cut to some time prior to Black Widower.
Selma is visiting Sideshow Bob in jail because for some reason she fancied him.
"Orange is really your color." said Selma seductively.
"They make us wear this." Sideshow Bob sighed.
In the present.
“Mmmmm! Aunt Selma...” Bart whined because of her pinching his cheeks.
"You know, Selma's only doing this Marge because she's been feeling rather broody lately. I don't think it's a man she's looking for. She wants kids..." Patty explains.
"Oh my!" Marge gasps.
Homer crawls out of the house and tries to drive the car. "Come on kids. To Duff gardens! Hooraaaaah..." he headbutts the car horn setting it off.
"Homer... get inside..." Marge sighed.
"It won't be fun without you Dad." said Lisa. Patty and Selma drove off with them.
"I'll even ride to Duff Gardens with Satan himself!" said Bart.
"Okay little mortal. Mwuhahahaha!" said Satan as a big red angry devil laughing maniacally.
"I was being facetious..." Bart said frowning.
Homer found the purple sandwich in the bin.
"This is all your fault!" He yelled at the sandwich. "Oooooh... I can't stay mad at you..." he calmed down and hugged the sandwich.
Marge made a cross sound and grabbed the sandwich off of him and threw it in the trash bin. He groaned.
...
Selma arrives at the Duff Beer Gardens with Oscar, Bart and Lisa. However she wants to sit down on a bench for a while.
"Look kids! A bench! Let's sit down." said Selma.
"No Aunt Selma! Come on!" Bart and Lisa beg her to look around for rides and stuff.
Eventually they find an extremely long queue. "Any line that long must be for a cool ride!" However it's revealed to be the line for complaints.
"Get Bent!" said the lady managing the complaints desk.
”Hey look! The Seven Duffs!” said Lisa.
”Hey watch it! Get bent!” Surly Duff said rudely to guests.
Queasy/Drunk Duff was throwing up in the flowerbeds.
Remorseful Duff was crying and sobbing.
”And Duffman!” said Bart.
”Duffman is here to party! Oh yeah!” Duffman was dancing.
”Haw Haw! Nelson laughed at someone.
”Nelson you shouldn’t laugh at people. Do you even know what your laughing at?” said Lisa.
”Um no...” said Nelson.
Plot 2[]
At Home Marge wiped Homers brow because he was feverish as she nursed him back to health.
The News was on. "And our top story today. A camel has escaped a nativity set at a local school in Kansas. The police have dubbed said camel, Forest Hump." said Kent.
Homer laughed.
"Now remember Homie. No solids." said Marge.
"Ooooooh! But I like solids..." Homer groaned.
At Duff Gardens.
“Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl.” said Cletus.
”I rest my case...” Lisa sighed.
“What do sharks have in common with people? The only great ones are white” said Cletus.
”Hey dickwad! Shut up!” Oscar snapped at Cletus for being racist.
”Yeah don’t be racist Cletus...” said Bart frowning.
“I’m not a racist, racism is a crime and crime is for black people!” said Cletus Spuckler.
Oscar saw red as red lightning sparked from him. He grabbed part of the galvanised steel tubes surrounding the flower beds as a border and with inhuman strength ripped out a short length of pipe and headed towards Cletus menacingly.
”No Oz! He’s not worth it!” Bart yelled stopping him.
”Come on kids, let’s go elsewhere...” said Selma.
The kids glared at Cletus as they left.
"I really wish you hadn't stopped me from beating him to a pulp..." Oscar ranted.
"Oz, you're better than that..." said Bart.
"I don't care! Let me at him!" Oscar wanted to hit Cleatus.
"No!" Bart and Lisa pulled him away.
...
They first saw the Duff Beeramid.
"There it is! The Duff Beeramid." said Lisa. "The Beeramid contains so much aluminum... "it would take five men to lift it." She continued boring everyone with facts... "Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction."
"Good riddance." said Oscar being racist about immigrants.
"Oz!" Bart snapped.
(Scoffs) "Plenty more where that came from." said Selma.
"Aunt Selma..." Bart groaned.
Then they went to see the beerquarium.
There were drunk fish swimming about in the beer.
A drunk fish belched.
Another groaned feeling unwell.
Oscar laughed.
”Oz why is that funny...” Lisa groaned.
”Because it is...” Oscar giggled.
They then waited in line for the Barrel Roll ride.
”Do a barrel roll!” Oscar referenced Star Fox.
”Oz that still isn’t out yet!” Bart groaned.
Then they went on the beer mugs. It’s like the tea cup ride but beer mugs.
”Aunt Selma can I have a beer?” Bart asked her.
”No! Not till you’re 21!” said Selma.
Bart sighed annoyed.
Then they went on the washing mashing rude.
After getting cleaned by the ride they met Barney.
”Uuuuuuurp! Hey kids! Where’s your dad?”
“He got food poisoning from eating a mouldy sandwich...” said Lisa.
...
At Home.
"Do you feel any better?" Marge asked Homer.
"No." [Slurping] Homer slurps his soup. "What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? I ,000-to-1." He groaned
"Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos. "Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl."" said Marge holding some VHS tapes.
"Yentl? What's that?" Homer asked.
"It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts... to enter rabbinical school." said Marge.
"Sounds great!" said Homer. He'd normally find such a film boring.
"Oh, my God! You're delirious." Marge gasped.
Hey! At least he's showing an interest in something intellectual!
"But he's not himself!" Marge said to the fourth wall.
And....?
Marge sighed.
Homer read a long book.
”Well if you stopped puking you might be good company for guests.” said Marge seeing the positives of Homer being smart and not dumb and crass.
Homer grabbed his sick bucket and barfed into it.
Marge sighed.
...
At Duff Beer Gardens with Bart, Lisa, Maggie and Oscar as they followed Selma about while she held Maggie.
They go in the gift shop. Bart tries on some beer goggles. They turn Selma into a pretty lady.
"You're charming the pants off me..." says the lady.
"What was that, Aunt Selma?" Bart asks.
"I said take off those damn glasses!" Selma replies sharply.
"You don't have to be so rude." Oscar commented.
...
They then visit a show with animatronics of the former presidents of America. There is a rapping Abraham Lincoln.
"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed a refreshing drink from hops and barley." said Abraham Lincoln as a robot.
Bart yawned.
“We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down!" Abe Lincoln started rapping.
"How long does this go on for..." Lisa groans.
"Pipe down! It's educational! Bart get away from there!" Selma tells them off.
"Let's see if they wore underwear back then!" Bart pants the George Washington robot despite Aunt Selma yelling at him not to. The robot turns round and glares at him with glowing red eyes, terminator style. "Ay Carumba!"
They then went on some rides.
”Little Duff World river ride. Not affiliated with It’s a small world or the Bubbleworks.” said Bart. (The Bubbleworks at Chessington is now the Gruffalo ride...)
"They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people." said Lisa. I wonder who?!
"Kallae Kistnae..." Oscar rasped annoyed two people got the Bubbleworks changed to the Gruffalo ride.
"Oz I was talking about the Duff river ride... not that Bubbleworks ride..." said Lisa.
They then go on the Duff river ride, it's a loose parody of It's a small world at Disney and Bubbleworks at Chessington. The creepy animatronics are singing Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you!" Over and over.
”Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you!” The animatronics sing.
”Aunt Selma, can I have a Duff?” Bart asked.
”No you can’t!” Aunt Selma told him off. “You’re only ten!”
Oscar is frightened and wants to get off. "I wanna get off!"
"You can't get off! There are five more continents!" Selma tells him.
Oscar whimpered and covered his eyes because he was scared of the animatronics.
"Hey Lisa, dare you to drink the water." Bart says to Lisa.
"I don't think that's water..." Lisa points out the liquid the boats are sailing on.
Bart makes chicken noises.
"Bart! Quit it! Quit it!" Lisa yells.
'Bart stop it! Lisa, drink the water!" Selma yells.
"Don't do it, Lisa." Oscar protested, but Lisa does so. However the water makes her feel funny and she starts tripping. She sees the animatronics multiply before vanishing into the darkness.
"There's no way out! No way out!" she yells surrounded by lights.
"Lisa, are you all right?" Oscar asked.
"Now yo just rest your head on my shoulder dear." says a monsterous green Selma with hundreds of eyes and a snake tongue. Suddenly a mouth grows out of her shoulder and growls at Lisa. Lisa laughs madly while swinging an oar wildly.
"Whoaaaa! Cool!" Bart grins, ducking from Lisa's mad swings.
Meanwhile this episode is named after Sophie's Choice.
Meryl Streep was a Polish woman living in Brooklyn after fleeing the Nazis! They had nearly killed her through starvation by imprisoning her in a concentration camp.
Eric Cartman likes the flash backs to Nazi Germany but hated the ending. I wonder why...
...
At home.
”Hercules! A Minotaur ripped off my clothes!” A Greek lady cried to Troy McClure as Hercules. Stupid horny Minotaur!
”Ohohohohoho! Hi I’m Troy McClure as the almighty Hercules! You may remember me from such films as Delores Montenegro and Chief Smiling Bear, and Mommy, why does that man not have a face?”
Marge saw Homer had kept down a bowl of soup.
”That’s your third helping of soup! I think you’re getting better dear! Well if that’s case, I’ve got a movie for you after this one....” said Marge in a romantic mood.
Homer purred and pulled his wife down onto him and they made love... Eeeeeeew....
...
When they get out of the ride, Oscar, Bart and Lisa run off. Lisa high on the uh water/beer was making demented snarls and mumbling as she held an animatronic child from the ride.
"Bart! Oscar! Lisa!" Selma yells.
Lisa goes in front of the floating carnival and dances.
"Ooooooh! I can see all the colors..." she says madly.
Meanwhile Bart sneaks onto a roller coaster he's too small for. He does so by sticking candy apples/Toffee apples to his shoes, plus he bribed Squeaky Voiced Teen to turn a blind eye.
“Pleasure doing business bub...” said Bart as Squeaky Voiced Teen let him on with a nod.
He soon regrets it as the G force nearly flings him out of his seat. He hangs on to the safety bar for dear life.
Eventually Selma catches up with him after he gets off.
"Bart! I was so worried! Don't ever run off again!" She tells him off. Bart is giddy from the ride and throws up on the floor.
They then find Lisa under the care of the park's security. She's wearing just a towel and is dripping wet with wild eyes.
"We found this one swimming naked in the segmentation tank."
"I am the lizard queen!" Lisa yells before coughing.
The Lizard king from Dragon's Lair appears behind her.
"You know nothingssss of my workkkkk! Ssssssss!" said the Lizard King.
The park manager gives Selma some cold tablets to give to Lisa as well as Lisa's clothes.
"Take these and these..."
"Thank you doctor." said Selma.
"Oh I'm not a doctor." said the guy,
"Then why did you give her pills?!" Oscar yelled.
Bart still felt queasy.
"Now get out of the park!" The Manager yells.
“How about you get out of the park!?” Oscar yelled.
”Oz that doesn’t make sense...” Bart groaned feeling sick.
Plot 3[]
Meanwhile Homer gets better.
"Oh! Homer that's your third helping! And you kept it all down! I think you're on the mend!" said Marge feeling his forehead.
"Well I'm never eating an endless hoagie ever again..." said Homer.
Yes you will...
Meanwhile Hercules played by Troy McClure had to deal with the damsel having her clothes ripped off by horny monsters.
"Cyclops! How many times must I tell you to stop ripping my dress!" The lady said annoyed at a cyclops.
"Grrraaaaaagh?" said the cyclops.
"Meanwhile I have problems with monsters and cartoon creatures thinking I'm cute as a baby..." said Greek Hero Oscar because he gets up to shenanigans.
Sometime later Selma comes home with Bart and a sick Lisa still wearing just a towel.
"Oh my! What happened?" Marge gasped.
"Can't talk, coming down with a cold..." Lisa explains taking her pills.
"Don't ask. This is the last time I take the kids out..." Selma sighs.
Marge sighed.
Later that evening Selma has a talk with Homer.
"Homer, how'd you do it?" Selma asks.
"Do what?"
"Raise three kids? I spent the day with them and just couldn't do it..." Selma sighs.
"That's what being a parent's about. If you can't cut one day, how are you you gonna manage with a kid of your own?"
Selma sighed.
"All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms." said Selma.
"Eeeeeeugh! Don't make me imagine that!" Homer said in disgust.
...
In the lounge Bart and Oscar studied Lizard Queen Lisa who was wearing just a towel.
"Her pupils are dilated." said Oscar.
"I am the Lizard Queen!" said Lisa high or something.
"Okay she's nuts..." said Bart.
"How dare you insult the Lizard Queen!" said Lisa drunk.
Bart did a "She's crazy!" Gesture at Oscar.
”I am the Lizard Queen!” Lisa chanted.
”Maybe we should introduce her to Jim Morrison from the Doors.” said Oscar. He is known as the Lizard King because of all of his pet lizards.
”Um no...” said Bart.
Elsewhere Barney used a sperm donation bank.
The sign read “Put your sperm in our hands.”
”That’s disgusting!” Oscar yelled.
At the Simpsons Lisa was still the Lizard Queen.
”I am the lizard queen!”
Bart winced exasperated.
At Duff Gardens.
“There ya go, three winning tosses. I'll take my three giant Marsupilami plushies now!“ said Cleatus.
”But sir you have to get the rings on the sticks...” said the carnie.
“LIZARD ARMY, TAKE YOUR POSITIONS TO DEFEND SPRINGFIELD!” said Lisa.
Bart grimaced.
”Um okay... what is going on...” said Hugo.
”Aaaaaagh! Another me!” Bart screamed and fainted.
Hugo grimaced.
...
Then Marge started drinking Long Islands and going to bingo.
”Uh Mom you said gambling is a sin...” said Hugo.
”I am the lizard queen!” said Lisa as the Lizard Queen.
”Oh that’s just silly.” said Marge.
Hugo was concerned.
Lisa shook her head and regained her composure. “With the Flanderses gone, debauchery has taken this town! A rock band overpowered the Reverend last Sunday! We need to do something Hugo!”
”You need to do something Lisa. The freak isn’t ready to leave the attic yet!” said Homer.
Hugo went upstairs to the attic.
At Duff Beer Gardens. The robot presidents went rogue again.
”I cannot tell a lie. I will kick your ass!” said Robot George Washington.
And in town there was debauchery. Ie public nudity and open homosexuality. The Simpsons didn’t mind the latter.
”You should mind!” Lovejoy yelled.
“It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!“ Lovejoy cried as he left town.
“Good riddance!” said Oscar.
Trivia[]
- Bart and Lisa visit the Duff Beer Garden again.
- Aunt Gladys is mentioned.
