Simpsons Fanon

Palms of Cutlasses continuing on from Moms I'd Like to Forget. Bart is disappointed with his origin story and wants to soup it up. Oh and Mr Burns likes to ride dinosaurs.


The title gag is Mr Burns and Smithers riding an old fashioned plane.

The couch gag is someone making the Simpsons as a banana split ice cream pudding. Then a giant Santa’s Little Helper eats it and burps.

The episode starts with Lisa in her room grumpy during a grounding as Bill Clinton and her friends are playing a saxophone march, playing saxophones and of course playing "Oh when the saints go marching in".

“Hey Clinton! Get back to work!” Moe yelled in his car.

“Bite me.” said Clinton.

Bart decided to tease Lisa. “Mom I’m going out with Erik and the guys! Aka the four hand-Kerteers!” said Bart showing off his sword scar on his hand.

“That’s lovely dear!” said Marge approving.

“Hey Lis, would you like to come out too? Oh wait! You can’t! You’re grounded for a month for trying to break up Mom’s friendship! Hahaha! Smell ya later!” said Bart.

Lisa growled and sat at her desk.

Meanwhile Bart left while Marge and her friends the cool moms were hanging out and talking in a friendly manner and probably drinking in the day...

“I just hope this doesn’t affect Bart’s friendship with his school friends. Before we got back together it has been seven long years ladies... Bart and I had moved on. Bart made new friends like Milhouse. And I had made new friends with all the school moms! Like Sarah, Luanne and Agnes.” said Marge.

“Isn’t Milhouse the boy who wets himself?” said the black mom.

Bart was skateboarding to Erik’s when Milhouse cried out holding red and blue kites. I’ll take the red kite Morpheus.

“Bart why don’t we hang out anymore?” Milhouse whined.

“We do! We hung out yesterday in the treehouse, then the Kwik e mart... then the arcade...” said Bart.

“It seems you hanging around with these fifth graders from your mysterious past a lot Bart...” Milhouse sighed.

Bart rang Erik’s door bell. He answered.

“What up bro! Who’s the dork?” Erik asked.

“Erik that’s my friend Milhouse. In fact when our parents stopped seeing each other over a mysterious event in our past seven years ago I had made new friends like Milhouse. In fact we sorta became Best friends. So knock it off with the insults, he’s cool.” said Bart.

“Oh I see. That’s understandable. I moved on thinking I’d never see you again. None of the friendships lasted though.” said Erik.

“Milhouse feels annoyed I am moving back to an old social bubble and leaving his.” said Bart.

“You can be in both! I won’t get jealous...” said Erik.

“That’s what I told him. Milhouse... you remember when you moved to Capitol City and got your own gang of cool friends...” said Bart.

“They uh stopped liking me when I cried at Bambi...” said Milhouse.

Bart snickered. “Well I have my own gang now in case you go on holiday or get grounded.”


Meanwhile at the nuclear power plant it is the end of the day shift and the beginning of the night shift.

Homer and his friends Lenny and Carl don’t like the night shift.

“Oh look! It’s the night shift! Well la de da! Stupid with their nightly hours. Don’t have to get up early...” said Homer.

“Yeah, they’re so full of themselves...” said Carl.

“Oh no! I just realized I left a candy bar in my workspace!” Homer gasped.

“Oh you mean this candy bar that I’m eating right now?” said Homer’s night shift equivalent. The night shift looked almost like Homer, Lenny and Carl.

“Why you!” Homer lunged at his night shift equivalent and started a huge fight between Day and Night shifts.

Then security was called. Security was just guys in hazmat suits blowing whistles and carrying glowing green plutonium rods as batons.

However the fighting got worse and worse to Mr Smithers’ dismay.

He ran to Mr Burns’s Office while he was signing his will “sir the day shift and night shift are fighting! It’s like Iraq vs Iran!” Smither exclaimed.

Mr Burns looked confused but also annoyed to be disturbed from signing his will.

“Ugh... Persia vs Babylon...” Smithers sighed as Mr Burns preferred to call countries by their original names.

“Ssssh! I am trying to sign my will!” said Mr Burns.

“Your will?! I didn’t know!” said Mr Smithers.

“Oh just a little precaution until I eventually snuff it. Mind you I have been chasing off Reaper lately.” said Mr Burns.

“Just one more signature sir and it’s done., better hurry. Only half an hour left until you lose all lucidity. “ said Blue haired lawyer’s.

“And done.” said Mr Burns. It struck past three.

“And now you’re senile.” said blue haired lawyer.

Mr Burns started day dreaming about himself dancing with a diplodocus like dinosaur and riding on him but in black and white old fashioned film. Mr Burns has the most bizarre imagination.

“Away dinosaur! Away!” Mr Burns was now riding on Blue haired lawyer acting in an infantile manner.

Smithers sees Mr Burns’s will and goes to take a peak but Mr Burns takes it with a yoink!

Homer comes in to ask Mr Burns something. Probably a raise.

“Mr Burns, can I- Aaaaaagh! A dinosaur!” Homer screamed. The imaginary diplodocus was in Mr Burns’s office.


Homer went home trying to put his mind off of dinosaurs. But... he passed a dinosaur themed restaurant called Jurassic lunch with a metal model of a T. rex. He screamed. Then on the radio.

“That was a great song Bill!”

“Thanks Marty now here is a listener’s request for everyone do the dinosaur!” said a Bill of Bill and Marty.

Everyone do the dinosaur plays.

Homer screams and changes the radio station.

At home he finds Bart sicking expanding sponge dinosaurs you spray with water to grow on Lisa again. A T. rex was eating her.

“Aaaaaagh! Aghhh! Nooooo! It’s spraying funny smelling water all over me!” Lisa screamed.

Homer screamed and went inside. To his horror, Oscar was watching “When Dinosaurs get Drunk.” A drunk stegosaurus chuckled woozy from fermented fruit and stumbled into a tar pit and drowned.

Homer screamed and ran upstairs. Oscar wondered what was up with him.

Then Homer went to his bedroom to lie down. “Phew! I need a lie down!” But to his horror Tyrannosaurus Sex, the dinosaur god of sex was decorating the bed with rose petals and scented candles. The dinosaur god of sex grunted when he saw Homer and pointed to a calendar day saying it was Valentine’s Day apparently.

“Oh crap! I forgot!” Homer ran out to buy Marge some flowers and chocolates.

Later at dinner.

Later after Marge loved her chocolates and flowers from Homer and kissed him. He went to get Oscar and Hugo to come down for dinner as they did not come down with the others when asked.

“Boys it’s dinner time now get- Aaaaaaaagh!” Homer screamed because Hugo was opening up Cretaceous Park again. Some how the attic was a large barn with fully grown dinosaurs in cages. And even worse. Oscar has Dino, his pet dinosaur monster that looks like a baby Chomby from Neopets with him.

“Okay...” said Hugo. Wondering why Dad ran off screaming. “Come on Oz, it’s dinner time...”

At dinner Bart steered the conversation with talk of his friends in the Gang of Four with the sword scars on their hands. Basically what they did today.

“Oh that’s nice dear.” said Marge. “Now Lisa if I unground you are you gonna behave and accept my new friends?” Marge asked. “Which were actually old friends I stopped seeing because of Denial.”

“I don’t know... are you gonna stop coming home drunk at midnight and waking the dog, the cat and the babies?” Lisa asked petulantly.

“Lisa, go to your room!” Bart, Homer and Marge yelled.


Bart was stirring his dinner. Spaghetti cooked with Cheetos and root beer, yeeeeuck! Because something was on his mind.

“Mom, how did I get this scar?” said Bart asking about his sword scar from a tiny plastic cocktail sword.

“Didn’t Comic Book Guy tell you?” Marge asked.

“He told me the truth. Which was mundane and boring... I want a more exciting explanation like I’m the chosen one or something!” said Bart.

Marge and Homer sighed.

“Okay brace yourself boy.” said Homer. He told a Story.

“We’re not your real parents. We adopted you. Your real parents were murdered by an evil wizard. Yes there are some bad wizards, and one wizard went very bad...” said a Homer narrating over live action footage from Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone where Lord Voldemort breaks into Godric’s hollow and murdered James and Lily Potter, in an attempt to kill baby Harry Potter.

However for some stupid reason, that Bart found hard to believe. Instead of baby Harry Potter was baby Bart. And Voldemort took down his hood to reveal he was... Sideshow Bob! Dun dun dun!

"Hello, Bart!" Sideshow Bob grinned menacingly.

“Dad did you just copy the entire origin story of Harry Potter?!” Bart groaned.

“It made sense...” said Homer.

“How? How can I suddenly be adopted when canon says otherwise!? And as much as Sideshow Bob being my Voldemort to Harry’s er Voldemort is cool, we err already established the origin story that started his hatred of me...” said Bart. “When I foiled his plan to frame Krusty for armed robbery...”

“Yeah Homer even I felt that was rather far fetched....” said Marge.


After commercials Marge told a story.

“Four boys were born with the mark of a sword on their hand. They were destined to save the world from a great apocalyptic evil and lead the world into a new Medieval period with swords and knights, and dragons and unicorns.” said Marge.

“No unicorns. And I’m not big on high Fantasy... can’t it be a post apocalypse Mad Max style world with heavily modified cars in a Death Race last man standing type thing?” Bart asked.

“Okay, four boys were born with sword shaped scars that are destined to save the world from a great evil and lead it into a new post apocalypse Mad Max every man for himself desert world with steampunk cars made of scrap metal and animal bones....” Marge narrated the scene.

“And Kenshiro...” said Oscar muddling up similar universes. What? They are both post apocalypse desert worlds...

“Yeah except one was a successful series of Mel Gibson films, and the other is an anime about a guy with Sylvester Stallone eyebrows who’s martial arts can make people’s heads explode and there’s also martial arts Jesus with radiation poisoning.” said Bart.

The Simpsons sighed. Bart was simply unable to satisfy with tales of his origin story of his scar.

“He gets told the truth, he says it’s boring... we slice it up... he says it’s far fetched... we can’t do anything right...” Homer sighed.

“Okay! I’m Barty Potter and Sideshow Bob is Lord Voldemort! Are you happy now?!” Bart yelled.


“Next they’ll be saying Barty Potter lives with his cruel Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon who keep him locked up in the cupboard under the stairs...” Bart sighed in his room. “Wait! I don’t even like Harry Potter books! Reading is for dorks!”

“You take that back!” Oscar yelled while reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

“Anyway let’s call him Barry Potter. There already is a Barty in the books. Barty crouch Sr and Barty crouch junior...” said Hugo.

“Uh huh. And I guess they are not the main character...” said Bart.

“Noooo...” said Hugo sarcastically. “One is Doctor Who but evil and Barty Sr is Ugh... Trigger from Only Fools and Horses. That British comedy Oscar likes...”

“Ay carumba!” Bart yelled.

In the world of Springwarts from Treehouse of Horror XII Wizard Bart, aka Barry Potter or to be more original Barry Trotter. Mmmmm! British comedies... Barry Trotter was at Springwarts trying to deal with Lord Montymort. Mr Burns moonlighting as an evil wizard.

“Mwuhahahaha! I am just myself but with sorcery and magic! And uh... snake Smithers...” said Montymort.

“I’m supposed to be Nagini sir...” said Slithers.

As well as dealing with the moonlighting villain who is just there because he likes being evil. Barry Trotter’s scar on his hand was hurting...

“Oh no! Ugh! That can only mean one thing...” said Bart as Barry Trotter.

“Hello Bart!” said Sideshow Bob menacingly. Dun dun dun!

“Nyaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob! My mortal enemy and the guy who murdered my parents!” Barry Trotter screamed.

“Yes and now to finish what I started! Killing the boy who lived!” Sideshow Bob said laughing evilly. About to cast Avada Kedavra. The killing curse.

“Wait where am I now?” Montymort asked. There was the Philosopher's Boner...” said Montymort.

Bart as Barty Trotter laughed because Montymort said Boner.

“Hahahaha! It’s The Philosopher’s Bone! Not Boner! Ahahahaha!” Then he composed him self and tried to keep a straight face.

“Uh huh...” Bart as Barry nodded.

“The Basilisk and the Chamberpot of Secrets...”

“Yes...” Bart sighed exasperated.

“The Prisoner of Jazzkablam, where I wasn’t even there! That was Sideshow Bob’s story!”

“And then there was Treehouse of Horror 12’s Wiz Kids. Now we’re on the Gob full of fire and David Tennant cameos while Dumbledork asked calmly....” said Bart.

“HARRY!! HARRY DIDYAPUTYANAMEINDAGOBLETOFFIYAAAAH?!” Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore violently slammed Harry against a wall interrogating him as to if he put his name in the goblet of fire and utterly ruined the character of Dumbledore as the kind, wise old fatherly wizard mentor and headmaster.

“Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?” Richard Harris Dumbledore asked calmly.

“No sir.” said Harry.

“Oh. Very well. Go along back to your dormitory Harry.” said Dumbledore.

The TARDIS appeared in Vworp vworp sounds and David Tennant appeared. “I am the Doctor.”

“Oh crap! It’s that missing Death eater Barty Crouch warned us about!” Dumbledore yelled.

Plot 2[]

“Oz you can’t fill up the page quota by reading Harry Potter and the goblet of Fire....” Bart groaned.

“Doctor whooooooo!” Oscar screamed watching Goblet of Fire on his Mypad.

Bart face palmed.

Then for some reason, in town Mr Burns was riding an old grey scale movie dinosaur while old fashioned music plays.

“Oh Smithers, I’ve never had so much fun!” said Mr Burns.

Smithers was confused by his antics and possibly of why was he riding a dinosaur?

Bart and his friends face palmed and went to his usual places.

“I go to Apu’s for squishees.” said Bart.

“What a small world! So do we!” said Erik and the other boys with sword scars.

“Noiseland arcade is my local arcade.” said Bart.

“Mine too!” said Erik.

“I’m surprised we didn’t reunite sooner.” said Bart. He’d continue but he heard Coach Krupt yell Bombardment and a ball just skim him.

“Oh yeah Coach Krupt the gym teacher... I forgot...” Bart sighed. The arc from last episode continues. Bart put thought into his training, thinking about what Joey Beetle taught him.

He expertly dodged the dodgeballs. Even in mid air.

“Confound it! Keep still and let me bombard you! Bombardment!” Coach Krupt yelled. “Erik! Help me out here!”

“No. Sorry teach, but I’m friends with Bart now!” said Erik.

“Insubordination! I’ll sort out that attitude of yours! With... Ben Stiller from the movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story!” said Coach Krupt as Ben stiller as his character White Goodman appeared.

“Oh shazbot...”said Bart, he was knocked out by Goodman.

But Joey Beatle appeared and soundly defeated Ben Stiller and Coach Krupt. Because he defeated the Dodgeball Wizard.

“He got defeated by a baby...” said Erik as Joey celebrates by taking his diaper off and dancing naked.


When Bart leaned the news he was some what disappointed. “Awwww! But I wanted to defeat Coach Krupt...”

Joey babbled and gurgled. His babbles translated to something thoughtful and profound. Like something a wise old dojo master would say.

In fact Joey was now reading The Art of War to get profound quotes and advice from. Unfortunately being a baby he can’t communicate these things to people as he just gurgles and makes noises.


While Bart and his friends trained with Joey, someone day dreamed about Wizard Bart again.

Wizard Bart and Erik etc as their Barry Trotter counterparts were at Quadrangle Alley in their school uniforms holding their wands. Wizard Bart winced because Nelson kept turning Milhouse’s head into things like an ostrich, a banana and Mr T. I pity da fool!

“Head zeppelin!” Witch Lisa casted, turning Nelson’s head into a blimp. He groaned as he flew away.

“I’m pretty sure Lisa is grounded from cameos too.” said Wizard Bart.

“Well I didn’t know that.” said Wizard Oscar.

Then Voldemort Sideshow Bob appeared.

“Hello Bart...” said Sideshow Bob as Lord Voldemort.

“Aaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob!” Wizard Bart screamed.

“Personally I like Devil Bob from deviantart but he’s not a thing until probably season twenty five...ish...” said Oscar.

Bart and Bob rolled their eyes at his interruptions. Then Bob chased Bart in a silly Tom and Jerry chase. While Bob zapped killing curses at Bart.

Meanwhile a Medieval Bart as a warrior was part of a D and D team (Dungeons and Dragons) with Erik and the other sword scarred boys. Their destiny was a great destiny. So great it also involved Equalia and Zaron! And later it also includes final Fantasy Simpsons too.

Bart and Erik’s foursome address the armies of their own world, Neverquest, Earthland Realms, Equalia and Zaron etc. Neverquest is a lord of the rings but with Link Homer and Patty and Selma as a two headed dragon. Earthland realms is an RPG notably where the Shadow Knight is from. Equalia is Lisa and Juliet’s fantasy realm of princesses, Kerne dragon and Homer ogre. Zaron is Cartman’s Live RPG that he brought to Springfield in Blockoland Wins Ah! And Bart reluctantly joined it when he saw everyone else was. It is all the canon characters, particularly the children but in cardboard costumes and face markings.

Sword scar Bart addressed his counterparts that they needed to unite against a common foe. “Yes that includes you Shadow Knight Me... you have to be a good guy for once...”

“Awwww! Man... I like being evil!” The shadow knight whined.


Meanwhile at home Hugo had Cretaceous Park up and running. He grimaced because Oscar had invited Mr Burns riding a diplodocus in an old timey grey film with old piano music playing. And Richard Attenborough.

“There it is Dr Grant! Cretaceous Park island!” said Richard Attenborough. Jurassic Park’s theme played.

Hugo sweat dropped.

“Also as well as only Cretaceous era dinosaurs for historical accuracy, which was your idea Hugo... I wanted the film as it was because it is cool! There is also a Nazi prison camp that brave American soldiers are escaping from.” said Oscar.

The Great escape theme played as Maggie and Eric planned an escape from Ayn Rand nursery and get their pacifiers back.

“Zomg! Richard Attenborough reference!” yelled Oscar at the nursery for some reason. He imagined World War II but with added dinosaurs and elderly Richard Attenborough.

“Oz you are obsessed with Richard Attenborough...” Hugo sighed.

Oz nodded and agreed as he added one las thing as well as Richard Attenborough and Nazis and Mr Burns riding an old timey movie dinosaur, there was Dino, Oscar’s pet dinosaur monster and baby Chomby eating plants. The cute yellow dinosaur monster was eating some of the shrubs Hugo planted.

Hugo sighed.

“Given that I called this episode Palms of Cutlasses, it should have Swashbuckling in it.” said Oscar.

“No Oz! You are not dressing up as a cartoon pirate...” Hugo sighed.

“Well you can dress as a cartoon pirate then!” said Oscar annoyed.

“No! I don’t even like pirates...” said Hugo.

Then Homer was in his room trying to find something.

“Marge... where’s the bible I ripped the book mark ribbon out of?” Homer asked. Suddenly a scary leitmotif played as a giant anthropomorphic bible with a face and blood pouring from his mouth stumbled in.

“By dongue! Ou wibbed oud by dongue!” The bible cried. (My tongue! You ripped out my tongue!)

Homer screamed a blood curdling scream.

Marge was busy though in the backyard because Anakin Skywalker was attacking Maggie’s sandbox with his lightsaber.

(Angry lightsaber noises)

“I hate sand! It’s coarse and gritty and gets everywhere!” Anakin Skywalker ranted.

“Anakin stop!” Marge begged him.

Marge decided she needed a night out with the girls.

Lisa growled. At least when Dad came home drunk, it was in time for dinner and Mom is a great home cook! When Mom drinks she doesn’t get home to the early hours and wakes everyone stumbling about and we have to suffer through Dad’s poor cooking or having a greasy takeaway...

“Bart enough! Break up with your friends!” Lisa ranted.

“No! I like Erik and the boys!” Bart replied.

Lisa growled.

“Moooooom! Lisa’s trying to break up my friendship with Erik!” Bart yelled.


Marge grounded Lisa again and to keep her from annoying Bart dropped him off at fun ball pit place with Erik and the boys while she had drinks with the moms.

Bart, Erik, ginger boy with glasses and black kid mucked about during the parachute game. As the day centre workers Mexican waved the parachute up and down. Bart and his friends were in a conga line in only their underwear giggling in the centre of the parachute. Then they were gambling with cards and poker chips. Then they were digging a hole in the floor some how. Then they found buried treasure.

Then they spent outdoor play talking in surfer slang.


“Jacked up!”



Oscar growled and skateboarded away from them.

“Quit stealing our slang landlubbers!” said surfer boys.

Then at lunch Bart put on a Heath Ledger Joker accent as he asked the boys if they wanted to know about his scars. He pointed out his tattoo from the very first episode which he still has in my fanon. A scar on his forehead from numerous accidents such as a skateboard stunt gone wrong, Mr Burns running him over, falling down the stairs while Lisa was babysitting. The scar on his torso where he was once attached to Hugo, his twin brother. The sword scar on his hand. Another scar on his torso from where his appendix was removed.

”That’s where I fell down the stairs, that’s from where I was once attached to my Siamese twin brother Hugo, that’s from when I had my appendix removed...”

”Oooooooooh!” said Erik and the others.


Homer was writing a mother's day card to Mona. Apparently it’s Mother’s Day this episode too!

"To my beautiful mother, Mona. Happy mother's day. Homer." Homer recited what he had wrote.

"Homie, this is so sweet." Marge explained.

Lisa mooching about because she was grounded for interfering in Bart’s friendship with Erik nodded. “It’s lovely Dad.”

”You’re still grounded young lady.” Homer explained.

Raphael came in and held the package of the box.

"Hey sir! This came for you in the mail." said Raphael.

"Woo-Hoo!" Homer cheered and opened it eagerly and saw a round black cartoon bomb inside fizzing away. He screamed and threw the gift out the window. It harmlessly exploded harming no one.

”A letter came with it!” Homer read the letter. “To Mona, you interfering liberal witch. Have a blast. Hatefully from C. M. Burns.” Homer growled and screwed up the letter the bomb came with.