New Pork The Simpsons receive terrible news from their old friend Jay Sherman and go to visit him. Something devastating has happened in New York!
The Simpsons are watching TV one day when Lisa brings in the mail.
Homer, meanwhile was eating fruit flavoured gummies. Or trying to, but Bart ate all the red and black ones, Strawberry and black currant, leaving only the sour ones.
”D’oh!” Homer groaned. “This time...”
He picked out a green one, lime. “D’oh!”
He picked out lemon. “D’oh!”
”This time... d’oh!” He picked out orange.
Maggie was hammering in the colourful shapes into their correct holes that was a sort of toy.
Hugo was eating fish heads out of a bucket.
"Oh my gosh! a letter from Jay Sherman!" Lisa gives Marge and Homer the letter. It is devastating and Jay asks them to visit him immediately.
"Hey this one's for me!" said Bart. "Oh. It's another death threat from Bob..." Bart threw away the letter that simply read Die Bart, die! in blood.
”How comes I don’t get a murderous psychopath sending me death threats?” Hugo asked.
Everyone gave him worried looks like they found it weird he wanted to be threatened by a maniac.
”Hugo... I don’t like getting these letters...” Bart sighed trying to explain the Bob situation with Hugo.
”Anyway let’s get packed.” said Homer.
They packed up and drove to New York. The kids annoyed Homer all the way there by saying "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" repeatedly.
"No we are not there yet!" Homer screamed.
Jay promised to meet them in the town square where Homer's car got left once. However they weren't going to like what they saw...
They arrived outside the square to find it fenced off like a construction site. They gasped as where the towers Homer had to climb up to go to the top floor toilets were, now was just piles of rubble.
"What a waste..." said Jay sadly.
"What happened?" Homer asked.
"What do you mean what happened?! A nutjob flew into them!" said Jay. "People died!"
"How can people be so cruel?!" Lisa gasped.
"This is why I vote for hardline republicans." said Oscar. "Give whoever planned this the harshest penalty!"
They went to stay with Jay's family. However they were very um... screwy.
Jay explained the Franklins had adopted him after his parents died.
Franklin went to the kitchen to put groceries in the fridge.
"Ah the eggs are ripening." He noticed before realising what he said. "Wait! Eggs don't ripen!!" Suddenly little alien monsters hatched out of the eggs.
Jay showed the Simpsons some of the worse movies he had to review. They watched A Few More Good Men, Jurassic Park 2: Revenge of the Raptors and Home Alone 5.
"Oh no! We've left Kevin home alone! And he's only twenty five!" said Kevin's mom.
Keven screamed like Arnold Schwarzenegger while doing his face slap.
Oscar wanted to watch Rabbi PI in which Arnold plays a Yazidic Jew.
"Eat lead, rabbi!" said a gangster.
"Sorry, that's not kosher." said Arnold's character before shooting him with a shotgun.
"Coooool!"Oscar liked the film. Mostly because of the cheesy lines and violence.
"Ugh! Most of Arnold's lines are just cringey one liners!" Bart groaned.
At dinner Oscar tried to get Bart to go out with Margo.
"Why?!" Bart asked in disbelief.
"Because then you could talk to yourself all the time!" said Oscar smirking.
"We get it! We have the same voice actor!" Bart groaned.
Then after dinner they watched more bad movies. However Homer and Oscar thought some of the films were actually good and claimed they could make good films.
"I know it's cheesy, but some people like kooky action movies with violence and tacky one liners." said Oscar.
"Ugh...!" Jay groaned.
"But nothing by Adam Sandler. Ugh! Now his films are terrible!" Oscar replied.
Jay challenged them to make a film then.
Homer's turned out like his last one. He took Mel Gibson's senator Payne which he found boring because there was too much talking and made it half a surreal comedy and the climax a bloody ending where Payne killed everyone. Homer particularly liked making everything in fast motion for crowd shots so they ran about with little squeaky voices. This amused him.
He also had the film zoom in dramatically on a dog with shifty eyes for no reason. He explained it was to show the dog was evil, but the dog had nothing to do with the story.
Then again Payne's scene in the Whitehouse was reduced to a pie fight with the actors running about like idiots and making faces. Oh, and Tommy Wiseu was in the film for some reason.
Jay found the bloody ending the worse. Especially the tense climate of New York where Homer's ending where Payne shot the senators just came off as extremely offensive.
"Let's just hope Oscar's has more tact..." Jay sighed.
Oscar's was a cheesy action movie in the vein of Arnold Schwarzenegger's. The muscular hero, dressed as a middle aged mom, had many one liners.
"Can I shoot you?" He asked a goon. Before the goon could answer he answered for him. "Course you can!" and he killed him.
"Over my dead body!" This was said whenever the hero was shocked by something or saying absolutely no way to something.
Some of his other lines were from Terminator.
"Well, I did adapt it from an old school friend's action movie he wrote about his mom shooting up a store..." Oscar explained.
"Ugh! Well unfortunately someone into schlock action films will like it. I don't get why you like muscular meat heads with dumb one liners..." Jay sighed.
"Everyone likes a dumb action movie with blood and guns in it..." Oscar replied.
"Or a man getting hit by a football..." said Homer.
The next day Jay took them about town. They encountered Satoshi the eater of souls at the ice cream store. He had bought a cookiepuss ice cream cake.
"Cookiepuss, I will eat your soul! Gahahahaha!" said Satoshi the eater of souls.
Bart and Marty yelped.
"Now where have I heard that before..." Oscar pondered. "Somewhere between a demon in Samurai Jack crossed with the lava creature from Mighty Max..."
"I will eat your soul!" said Satoshi.
"Eat this." Oscar shot him with a sawn off shotgun. He exploded into ashes. "Groovy!"
"I say we get our ice creams and go home before we encounter anymore weird people..." Bart remarked.
As they drove through town they passed Orson Welles playing with transformers toys, some velociraptors in an office typing and the khlav kalash guy being arrested.
They then got home to voice message from Jay's boss Duke Phillips announcing he was running for president of the United States again.
Jay sighed because of last time when he had a break down announced his actual intentions.
Meanwhile Oscar and Homer got to work on their films. Oscar had another project that needed Bart and Marty's help...
"Two and a half Chuckie's?! Oscar why?!" Bart knew the answer but was still flabbergasted.
"Because both your voice actors are Chuckie..." Oscar replied rolling his eyes.
The TVs program was just two Chuckie Finsters arguing with each other. Particularly about how to put the toy blocks away.
"Your Chuckie was always high strung and obsessive! Mine could sing!" Bart commented. "Wait why are we justifying Oscar's nonsense?!"
"I've got sand in my paaaaants!" Oscar started singing off key.
Eventually it was time for the Simpsons to go home.
"Well it was nice meeting you again Jay." said Marge.
"You too. Perhaps I will visit you guys next time." said Jay.
They got home to find Grampa had forgotten to take his medicine and had turned into a woman again!
"Oh my! Bart get your Grampa's medicine!" said Marge. Bart went to get Grampa's medicine.
That afternoon they watched the news on the twin towers attack.
"You know how when Kennedy was assassinated everyone asked what they were doing that day. What were we doing that day, I'm talking about the towers not Kennedy of course." Lisa asked.
"I was at work." said Homer.
"I was watching Oprah." said Marge.
"I was playing chess with Jasper." said Grampa.
"Well, we were all at school. There was an alert about it over the school speakers." said Lisa.
"I don't want to watch this. It makes my blood boil!" said Oscar.
"I know Oscar. I'm mad too." said Lisa.
"We're all mad sweetie." said Marge.
Later Bart, Lisa and Oscar were watching TV. An educational cartoon on amendments in congress was on.
"Who left this garbage on the steps of congress?" A boy asked in the cartoon.
"Oh I'm not Garbage. I'm an amendment to beeeeeee!" sang the amendment.
"So what are you an amendment of?!" The boy asked.
"I'm fed up with those liberal flag burners! They go too faaaaar! I want to them get locked up behind baaaaaars!" sang the amendment. A flag burner got beaten up by cops and locked up in jail.
"Amen brother!" Oscar cheered.
"Oscar!" Lisa whined.
"Apparently my sister's a communist..." said Bart.
"I am not! I just support freedom of speech!" Lisa yelled.
“Freedom of speech does not include insulting your fellow countrymen by spitting on the flag or burning it after all that your forefathers gave their lives for so you could have a freedom of speech you ungrateful little liberal! Now go to China and see where your freedom of speech gets you!” Oscar ranted.
“Jahol mein führer!” Lisa answered sarcastically to Oscar.
Bart hushed then because he wanted to watch the political cartoon.
On the cartoon.
"So why don't you just write such a law?" The boy asked.
"Because that would be unconstitutional." said the Amendment to be.
The constitution was shown. "But... if we amended the constitution..."
"We could write all sorts of crazy laws!" said the boy. "Like making broccoli illegal!"
“Death to Broccoli!” Oscar yelled.
"Now you're talking son!" said the Amendment to be.
He continued singing.
"But what if the congress won't listen?." the boy asked.
"Then I'll fight dirty! If Bill talks back, I'll say that he's gaaaaaay!"
Lisa glared at the TV.
"These guys need another Vietnam to thin their ranks..." said Bart.
"No the liberal flag burners need another Tiananman square or a Bloody Sunday!" Oscar retorted.
On the cartoon.
"Congratulations! You're an amendment!" said a Congressman picking up the Anendment and the boy.
"Oh yeah! Come on boys there's room for all of ya!" said the Amendment.
Loads of potential bills ran into congress firing guns, going yeehaw! And one making Curly sounds was holding a bomb.
Lisa and Bart were horrified.
"So it's true! Cartoons do encourage violence!" Lisa said while punching Bart.
"Ow!" Bart whined.
"We have to act! And soon!" Lisa punched Bart again.
"Ow!" Bart whined.
Oscar rolled his eyes.
”Oscar I can’t believe you’re supporting that facist commercial eroding human rights!” Lisa ranted.
”You do not get the right to spit on my flag or burn it you damn commie!” Oscar yelled.
”Oz, your hardline attitude to patriotism is dangerously close to repeating the horrors of modern history...” Lisa seethed.
“All I’m saying is that if history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur!” Oscar replied.
Lisa sighed exasperated by his random remark about dinosaurs.
”You all know me. I’ve tricked and treated at your houses. Last year I was Jar Jar Binks.” said Homer.
A cutaway. Homer is dressed as Jar Jar at Moe’s house expecting candy one Halloween night.
”Meesa hungry. Meesa want candy.” said Homer as Jar Jar Binks.
Back in the dining room of the Simpsons house.
“Jar Jar is pretty terrifying...” Oscar winced disturbed by Jar Jar Binks.
”Dad no! That was not what happened last Halloween...” Bart groaned. “Last Halloween a Gypsy curse turned us all into freaks, An Ultrahouse upgrade we installed voiced by Pierce Brosnan tried to kill you and we met Harry Potter...”
Lisa was glaring at Oscar.
”What’s up with Lisa?” Homer asked.
”She thinks anarchists should be allowed to desecrate your country’s flag!” said Oscar.
”Oh my god! No! Damn commies!” Homer screamed.
”People have a right to make a statement of protest! And yes that includes flag burning!” said Lisa.
”How dare you! Little lady..l in this house we honour the Stars and Stripes!” Homer scolded Lisa.
”But what if America does something really bad and-“ Lisa protested.
”Enough! Not another word Lisa!” said Homer sharply.
At school, wizard school.
Oscar was practicing his spells.
”Ah Blodwyn Bludd, the singing vampire.’ said Ace reading up on an ancient vampire who often sang.
”I’m reading up on the rabbi who created the Golem of Prague.” said Jurkle.
”Do I look like someone who wants their molecules transported...” Bart yelled across the library.
Hugo wearing a lab coat sighed.
The librarian hushed Bart.
”Hey Bart.” said Oscar.
”Jahole mein fuhrer!” Bart replied sarcastically.
”You don’t have the right to desecrate my flag, your country’s flag or anyone else’s....” said Oscar.
Then a handicapped kid ran through the library naked.
“I'm not wearing my glasses anymore. I've seen enough.” said Jurkle taking off his glasses.
“The first step to healing is forgiveness.” said Lisa meditating in a corner on a cushion.
“I’m more of a wrath and vengeance person.“ said Oscar growling.
”Look! It’s the corpse of River Phoenix!” Oscar yelled.
An older girl was talking to the rotten corpse of River Phoenix.
At home the Simpsons watched TV.
”And now Lincoln II: Lincoln with a higher voice.”
Lincoln and his political allies were talking about ending slavery.
”We must seize the day and end the slavery of the black people!”
”I concur! We must seize this opportunity!” said some bearded guy.
”Ha ha! I’m with you guys!” said Lincoln in a Mickey Mouse voice.
Oscar cracked up laughing.
”Okay we’ve had the random funny TV show now get on with the scene...” Bart groaned.
“Flag burning and desecration is offensive because it is political.“ said Lisa.
”No it’s just plain ignorant and an act of provocation. You are provoking me into kicking your ass...” Oscar snapped.
Marge frowned at Oscar.
”Experience shows that the way to fight political expression with which one disagrees is not to outlaw it, but to express disapproval.” said Lisa.
”No because that doesn’t work as you communists traitors still burn my lovely flag. So it’s off to prison with you.” said Oscar.
Lisa sighed. Then she had an idea.
”Grandma Mona protested the establishment all the time. She probably burnt the flag a few times. Would you send her to jail?” Lisa asked smugly.
”D’oh! She has me there!’ Oscar was thinking, “Okay you win this round. But this ain’t over...”
”Father! Give me legs! Father!” said the half built robot Homer never finished as it dragged itself into the lounge.
The Simpsons and Oscar winced.
At school. Willie is mopping when Skinner and Edna have a word.
“Willie. We're concerned your drinking is getting in the way of your job.” said Skinner.
”Ach! No! Ya see, really it’s my job that’s getting in the way of my drinking.” said Willie. He drank from his canteen flask which probably had liquor in it.
Oscar was talking about something disgusting again. Probably boogers and snot.
“Topic change! You ever wonder where wind starts?“ Milhouse tried to change the subject of the conversation.
”Yeah. It starts from your butt! Nyahahahaha!” said Oscar.
Bart cracked up laughing. “Now that’s funny Oz!”
”Hi Lisa, how is your day going? Not good...” Lisa was having a conversation with herself.
“Lisa, are you talking to yourself?” Bart asked.
“Yes. It’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation in this place...” said Lisa.
Hugo frowned at her.
”World domination doesn’t count as an intelligent discussion Hugo...” Lisa sighed.
“Lisa. You're such a tool.” said Jessica Lovejoy,
“And you're a jerk.” Lisa said frowning.
“Nice insult, Hannah Montana. You got any more harsh digs?” Jessica snarked.
Bart was still strangely attracted to Jessica as he had heart pupils. He shook his head. “No. Do not be taken in by little miss psycho...”
Hugo was on all fours like a dog and sniffing Jessica.
”Ugh! Get away from me! Freak!’ said Jessica.
Oscar seethed and turned red.
The Simpsons are having dinner.
“I just think about all those guys I knew back home who died,” says Oscar stirring his Cheetos and root beer spaghetti.
“Like my Uncle, for example,” says Homer.
I’m not a terrorist, and I don’t think the terrorists should be shot and imprisoned like you say. It’s totally wrong.” Lisa frowned at Oscar over his anger at the maniacs who destroyed the towers.
”Shut up...” Oscar snapped. He knew he was right. He puffs his fat cheeks and blows a raspberry. “I’m not fat, mysterious author.”
“I’m the reason Jessica is having to leave town,” Hugo interrupts.
”Shut up Freak!” Homer snapped.
Oscar threw a lamp at him. “Ow!”
”Shut up! This isn’t Family Guy! And you are not that fatso Peter Griffin! Be nice to all your children!” Oscar snapped.
”Thanks buddy.” Hugo rested his arm across Oscar’s shoulder in a chummy manner before returning to eating his dinner.
Homer made an uppity “Hmmmmph!”
At a pause in the conversation, Oscar notices the waiter hovering. Literally.
He points him towards the plate of fish heads belonging to Hugo.
“We’re not serving fish here.” said the waiter. Apparently they’re in a restaurant now,
“Oh, you’re kidding. No fish?” Oscar asked.
“No, we’re not kidding.”
“Oh. Well, I was just trying to be polite.”
“Well you’re not, so just fuck off.” said the waiter rudely.
”Screw you!” Oscar snapped.
The Simpsons sighed at his behaviour.
Marge and Homer after dinner in the lounge sat Oscar and Lisa down to put aside their arguments. Lisa’s kind hearted liberalism that unfortunately was naive in this dark world of suicide bombers and Oscar’s sudden right wing ideas that the terrorists should be rounded up and shot repeatedly.
Marge Simpson and her husband was in the kitchen when she heard them having an argument.
She stood in the doorway and they saw her.
“What on earth is going on in here?” She said sharply.
The room went silent and Homer was staring at Marge as Oscar looked down at the table.
“We were just discussing our plan to round up the radical terrorist Muslims and throw them all out of this country,” said Oscar.
Lisa thrashed at him.
Marge looked over to Homer.
“Oh really,” said Marge, “What is your plan?”
Oscar leaned across the table and turned to Marge and said: “We’re going to round them up and shoot them.”
“You mean kill them?”
Oscar answered in a soft voice: “Yes.”
“Oscar, I’m not really sure that’s a good idea.” Oscar continued to look down at the table.
Homer continued to look at Marge.
Bart and Lisa were not paying attention as they were watching television. Also they were fed up with Oscar’s diatribes.
“We can’t just kill people for no reason,” Homer said.
”It’s not for no reason!” Oscar raised his voice. “Those monster killed thousands of your people! Innocent people! Just because some maniac in Afghanistan told them to!”
A clown rode a unicycle into the Simpsons house for no reason other than to lighten the mood. He was not, in fact, a real person. He was simply an imaginary figure only Oscar could see because of his warped mind.
”Hehehehe! Clown...” Oscar giggled.
Bart did a “He’s crazy gesture.”
Hugo was playing with his pet pigeon-rat.
Bart Simpson stared at his brother Hugo. "You are so stupid.”
”Yeah... And Oscar’s the Queen of Sheba...” Hugo sighed not giving him eye contact.
The dumber ten-year-old of the twins was staring at at his twin brother with round eyes. Hugo, a lanky lad, was six inches taller than Bart, his twin, but Bart was the stronger, so he always got his way.
Hugo had buck teeth. He was always yelling, making a terrible racket in the house and on the street. His feet pounded up and down and he ran around like a chicken, kicking and flapping. If he got to do something, he did it. If he couldn’t do something, he was loud and angry about it.
Bart looked at Hugo with what, to anyone other than their parents, seemed to be an expression of sympathy. Bart, of course, knew better. “What are you going to do, Hugo? It’s time for you to start contributing to the household.”
Hugo shrugged. “I do! When was the last time you cleaned?!”