Moonshine River Bart meets his girlfriend Mary Spuckler in New York. But instead of loveless Bart jealous of Lisa lumbered with Milhouse on a pity date it is Lisa jealous that Bart can succeed in two timing girls and get away with it but she can’t play away and ignore she’s in a relationship with Colin. Featuring a cameo from Sideshow Bob and Maggie in a feature length short called the Longest Day Care!
The title gag is Arnie Pye in his news Chopper. He falls out to his death screaming.
The billboard gag is Rainer Wolfcastle in something called McBain Capital: Consider this a hostile Takeover. An action flick presumably.
The chalkboard gag is Bart writing “I will not wear white after Labour Day.” He is wearing white fancy clothes he wore when he was a faith healer.
”How dare you wear white! I know what you do at night...” said Agnes Skinner harshly. Lol! That rhymes!
Bart rolled his eyes and skateboards home. For fun he still is wearing white.
Bart skating where WIllie’s leaf pile would normally be in the titles skates through a large muddy puddle. Mud splashes over his nice clean white suit. He gasps sadly. Marge will not be happy...
Willie is sorting out his pile of fall leaves when Barney rises out of them and burps.
”Get out of my leaf pile ya lousy drunk!” Willie yelled.
Lisa is playing a tuba in her part of the title sequence.
Hugo’s unpleasant seat buddy on the school bus home this time is Sherri and Terri playing Patty cake with him in between them. He sits bored.
Bart is chased home this time by the American Pitbull that was chasing him in The Last Gun in the West when he reunited Buck McCoy (First met him, in canon). Bart yells as he is actually frightened by the chaser this time. He gets in and slams the door. The Pitbull slams into the door in a cartoony fashion.
Instead of a couch gag is an animated short. Maggie in the Longest Daycare!
The Longest Daycare
The short opens with the 20th century fox logo. With Bart screwing around and being chased by Squeaky Voiced Teen. “Hey!” Squeaky Voiced Teen chases Bart around the logo.
There is the Gracie pictures Shhhhh! Gag. You shut up Shushing lady!
Then a Disney style character head of Maggie. She sucks her pacifier.
The title sequence is also typical of Disney shorts.
The short which has no dialogue is Marge driving Maggie to nursery. It is the Ayn Rand School nursery but it’s under new management after Maggie drove Llewelyn Sinclair’s sister insane with her Great Escape antics.
Marge leaves Maggie with the security guards. Maggie is sad as Marge leaves down the distorted corridor that clearly violates building codes!
”It’s surreal to show Maggie’s point of view...” Bart sighed.
The security guard puts Maggie through security. She had to hand over her pacifier and bow and keys. She had some keys, probably car keys. She went through X ray and got her things back.
Then was a lice combing to check for lice. Maggie was clean. However Gerald the monobrow baby was completely infested! Oversized monster head lice fall off of him screeching alien like sounds.
”Surreal imagery...” Bart sighed.
Maggie is in the nursery play room. She sees some friendly babies playing with the paints but they take all the paints except the black and grey one.
She then sees a fat baby just wearing a diaper eating glue. Eeeeeew! He offers her some glue.
Maggie makes a disgusted face.
Gerald is smooshing butterflies against the wall with a mallet and drawing red squares around them.
”He would be great at filling in the butterfly collection at the museum.” said Hugo.
”Ugh! Why do they have to die to fill up a collection?!” Lisa ranted.
Maggie like her older sister also cared for animals and despaired over Gerald smooshing the butterflies. She found a pink caterpillar but hid it pretending it was a monobrow.
Gerald fell for it after a reflection copy gag and leaves Maggie be.
Maggie sneaks to the book corner and finds a book on caterpillars and butterflies. It tells her caterpillars become cocoons then hatch into butterflies. She hinds the pink caterpillar is now a yellow cocoon hanging from a small plant.
Gerald jump scares Maggie. She toddles off with the plant and cocoon. Gerald toddles after her.
The Simpsons as butterflies fly in chased by Gino carrying a knife. They hide on a mobile but Gerald smashes it, scaring them.
There is a Scooby doo corridor chase with Maggie carrying the plant pot with the cocoon, Gerald, the Simpsons as butterflies and Gino.
Gino then crashes into Gerald trying to chase the butterflies. He gurgle which in subtitles says “After them!” They go after Maggie and the butterflies.
Gerald and Gino work together trying to kill the butterflies. Bart as a butterfly knocks a pot of green paint over Gino. Gino is dismayed to be messy with paint. The nurse of the nursery arrives with her hands on her hips vexed with him. He points to the Bart butterfly with subtitles saying “It wasn’t me! It was the butterfly!”
Gino is taken to be cleaned. And given a time out.
Bart as a butterfly laughs as the cartoon irises out.
Maggie is still being chased by Gerald she parts the Red Sea of Babies in walkers to get in a room but the sea of baby walkers closes in on Gerald trapping him from progressing.
The Simpsons as butterflies are being chased by Gino who is carrying a knife. They see a nurse opening a door and head for the door. But Gino hurries after them. A red pacifier lodges the door ajar. The butterflies fly through safely. Gino slams comically into the door.
Maggie waves the butterflies goodbye but gets jumped by Gerald again and droops the plant. However the blue butterfly falls out of its cocoon and she takes the butterfly to a window and tosses it out the window. However the Venetian blinds crush the butterfly. Maggie sees Gerald looking smug and holding the blind shutter cord.
Pagliacci’s opera plays as Maggie laments and cries about the butterfly. Poor butterfly.
Marge picks up Maggie and she sadly watches as Gerald smugly watches her leave. He then goes to look at the smooshed remains of the butterfly on,y to find to his shock, Maggie’s blue hair bow.
Maggie smiles as instead of her bow she has the butterfly resting on her head until it feels safe to fly away.
The cartoon irises out for the last time.
We cut back to the Tv with the last of the opening credits of the executive producers as the actual episode begins!
The town is holding formula 1 races for a Grand Prix. Rest assured Oscar will add his silliness!
“This is Kent Brockman live at the first annual Springfield Grand Prix which like all of our town events is not only poorly planned but horribly executed!” said Kent.
Some road construction workers were working during the race, holding up the racers who were bibbing their horns.
The worker were watching a video on how to build the Empire State Building.
”How to start building the Empire State Building. Step one. The basement.” said the tape.
”CheekSqueek use hurricane!” Oscar summoned a cheeksqueek from Yokai Watch.
CheekSqueek blasted the builders and their things away with a powerful cosmic wind. The racers sped off round the streets.
”Now to give CheekSqueek a Nick name...” said Oscar. He called CheekSqueek Bumface. “Okay Bumface! Return!” He sent the Yo Kai watch creature away.
”Oz can you pass me that monkey wrench...” said Uncle Buck.
”Okay Unky...” said Oscar.
The cars sped past Crazy Cat Lady spinning her around in a cartoon fashion. She yelled as her cats went flying. The cats screeched and some landed on the drivers distracting some and causing the red car to crash and explode violently in a Yarn Barn store. A pink ball of yarn rolls out abd one of the feral cats plays with it.
The crowd in seats go “Awwwwwwww!” at the cute cat, but a green racing car smashes into them.
Meanwhile the Simpsons were trying to drive about somewhere in Homer’s pink car but it was stuck trying to get past the racing cars.
”Watch for a gap... watch for a gap...” said Homer.
”Homer! We can buy Scotch tape tomorrow!” said Marge.
”You buy Scotch tape tomorrow!” Homer retorted. “There’s the gap!” He drives forward.
The Simpsons scream.
”Gaps too small!” Homer reverses. The Simpsons scream as he stops just short of a bicycle race.
“Huh?” Lisa asked. “A peloton?” she spoke in a French accent.
“Apparently today is also the final stage of the Tour de Springfield bike race.” said Kent as bikes road over the racing cars.
“Hey that’s some fancy riding!” said Homer. However a racing car knocked over and ran over some bicycle riders from the Tour de Springfield.
Milhouse is walking down Main Street when after the racing cars whiz past a side road, at its junction wait Cars characters such as Lightning McQueen and that yokel truck with the buck teeth. They glare menacingly at Milhouse. He runs off screaming and is chased by the cars from Pixar’s Cars.
Bart sweat dropped.
Oscar is helping Uncle Buck in the Pit Lane. He is splattered with oil from being hard at work fixing the cars and checking them over in the Pit Lane.
“This race is insane! We’ve got a bike race going on at the same time on the same roads! And townsfolk still being allowed to use the road! These people are nuts!” said Buck Tamaki.
”Yep! I even added to the chaos by letting the racing cars Mario Kart each other with random items.” said Oscar doing finger quotes.
The Grand Prix racers put spotted cartoon mushrooms in their exhausts to speed boost, and threw turtles and banana skins at each other to cause crashes as a car slipping on a banana skin slid and crashed into a building in another fire ball.
Oscar laughed at the mayhem he helped worsen.
It was soon dark and race finished in utter carnage as bulldozers pushed the smashed up remains of racing cars out of the road and onto the sidewalks of the town square.
Everyone went to the Racers ball/Party. The Racists Ball was down the next street. We cut to KKK klans men, yokels and confederate patriots and Neo Nazis heading into the Racist Ball that has a sign reading “No Blacks, Spics, Kikes or any other ethnic minorities. We hate you all!”
Meanwhile at the Racers Ball, everyone else headed inside. Some were injured from cars driving into the stands.
Mayor Quimby had a speech.
“Truthfully today, there were no loser, or winners. Since both finish lines were tangled up in this unholy mess!” said Quimby addressing the wreckage strewn about everywhere.
Ned screamed when he saw that the wreckage was unholy and sprayed Holy water on it while repeating “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!”
”Ned is that really necessary?” Quimby sighed.
Bart could hear a frantic tapping from inside a ball of wrecked cars and bikes.
“I hear tapping from inside this ball of wreckage!” said Bart. People gasped that someone still alive was trapped inside. “To the sounds of Scab Calloway and his non union band!”
“Uh um... Then let’s all start tapping our toes to the sounds of Scab Calloway and his non union band!” said Mayor Quimby ushering in the classy dressed townsfolk into the ball tent, even Bart was dressed nicely in his court clothes.
Everyone went inside because the story says so and ignored the poor driver tapping,
”Okay settle down...” said Wiggum zapping the metal ball of wreckage with his taser. It zapped with jolts of lighting.
Inside the ball. An old Band played. Milhouse finally got to dance with Lisa. Bart decided to enquire about this impossible scenario.
”So is this a date date or meaningless friendship pity date?” asked Bart smugly.
”Meaningless Friend-“ said Lisa but Milhouse talked over her.
”True love Super date!” Milhouse yelled happily.
”Well if you two ever get serious. And have a baby... it will look something like this...” said Bart sculpting something from sculpting balloons. He took a Milhouse’s glasses and made a Milhouse head wearing Milhouse’s glasses.
”Wait so Milhouse’s genes are so dominant the baby gets none of mine?!” Lisa asked. “Wait why am I arguing this nonsense? We’re not having a baby!” Well you are because Holidays of Future Passed says so.
”Yes that’s my point Lisa. Both you geeks will churn out little Milhouses...” said Bart.
”Don’t listen to Uncle Bart... we’ll raise you in a house of love...” said Milhouse lovingly to the balloon sculpture.
”We’re not having a Baby!” Lisa yelled popping the balloons with her rose pin.
”Jimmy!” Milhouse cried.
”Oh brother...” Lisa groaned as she put her rose pin back on and danced with Milhouse.
”Um helloooooo! I’m a thing!” said Zia Vanhouten-Simpson.
”Future Episodes are not canon!” Lisa yelled.
’Yes they are! Because I say so!” Oscar argued. “And now you’ve screwed up the time space continuum by making Jimmy Vanhouten-Simpson and then killing him!”
Bart face palmed at Oscar’s nonsense.
Lisa ignores Oscar’s ranting and danced with Milhouse but when he bent over in a romantic dance pose he dropped his inhaler and a pen.
”Ha! Geek leak!” Bart laughed. His Epi pen and thick rimmed geek glasses dropped out from him. “Never mind...”
“Hey Bart, At least I have a date!” Lisa retorted.
”I told you sis, Mary Spuckler is out of town and Nikki is running hot and frigid again... At least I have girlfriends and my standards are not too high or I ignore the perfect boyfriend I had in the movie!” Bart zinged her.
“What gobshite is this?! Hands off my Hoor you bleedin cum muppet! Put up ya fists!” Colin from the Movie yelled slugging Milhouse with a right hook.
”Colin!” Lisa yelled. “Milhouse are you alright?” She checked Milhouse who had a nose bleed.
”What about me ya deceitful siren! Ya feckin wagon! I’m ya bloke!” yelled Colin.
”Oh why did I fall for an Irish lad...” Lisa sighed.
Bart winced at this violence and drunk Irish shenanigans.
”Mrs K uh Mrs Flanders! How come you are not dancing with Ned?” said Bart.
”I have no idea! Apparently Matt forgot we’re married!” said Mrs Krabappel now Mrs Flanders presumably.
”Shut up!” Matt Groening cried.
”Well my girlfriend’s out of town, I need to zing my two timing sister...”
”Lisa X Colin is not canon!” Lisa yelled.
”And your minus a husband.” Bart finished. “So how about a pity dance?”
”Okay but you have to promise to do your homework.” said Edna. “Just kidding! I gave up on that long ago...”
”Just move your girdle, Yertle...” said Bart.
Jurkle looked at Bart funny.
”I said Yertle... as in Yertle the turtle...” said Bart.
“Hey Lisa, your date made the cover of Dorks magazine!” Bart teased Lisa and Milhouse.
”Ha!” Mrs K laughed.
”Hey at least its the cover... wooooow...” said Milhouse in awe.
”Now you listen here! Milhouse may not be the ideal date!” Lisa yelled.
”Please let there be a but coming... Please...” said Milhouse begging.
”Okay!” said Oscar mooning him. (Showing his bum.)
”It burns!” Milhouse screamed.
”But.” said Lisa.
”Yes!” Milhouse cheered.
”At least I’m with someone who tries a little too hard and is obsessive because he likes me.” said Lisa.
”Hey plenty of babes have docked at El Barto.” said Bart.
”Yeah for a week! And then they see the real Barto.” said Lisa.
”Oh no sis. That’s the thing. Only Jenny got fed up with me. Jessica Lovejoy was a psychopath, Darcy insisted I was the father of her baby somehow..., Stacy I scared off because her diaper fetish was weird, Alotta Cooties still loves me and still insists I’m her husband. I still see my Hispanic summer love. If Gina wasn’t a jail bird I’d be with her. I’m still with Nikki technically She’s just in one of her odd moods and Mary is out of town.” said Bart.
”Aaaaaaagh! Let me have the moral high ground!” Lisa screamed.
”No little miss two timer, standards are too high that’s why you’ll always have your creepy stalker of a boyfriend making me the gooseberry because he’s also my best friend!” said Bart.
”Bart you’ve been teasing him all night!” Lisa yelled. “Did you learn nothing from when he dumped you?!”
”Obviously no.” said Bart,
Lisa stormed off.
At home Bart looked through his girl book. “She lasted a week. A day... (A girl was grossed out by something as Bart swung on a swing next to her.) a field trip...” There were two photos of Bart and a girl before the field trip and after. The girl no longer liked him. “Oh why did I get needy at the planetarium..” said Bart. There was a photo of him crying at a girl and her squirming to get away from him because he was holding her leg.
Oscar laughed at him.
”Boy, if anyone needs me I’m taking a popcorn bath.” said Homer going to the bathroom with bags of popcorn. Bart gave him an odd look. “Um I read something in a men’s health magazine that it’s really good for Aaaaaaagh!” Homer ran off screaming that Bart twigged it was an embarrassing gluttonous thing involving food again.
“Dad, what does mom see in you?” Bart sighed.
”Uh look in the mirror unplanned miracle...” said Homer.
”That’s all?” said Bart.
”I also keep things interesting.” said Homer.
”Who took the microwave!?” Marge yelled.
Bart gasped. “Dad no! Do not bath tub microwave suicide! Your life’s not that bad!”
”I want to die!!” Homer cried.
Okay now there is a suicidal Homer for some reason...
Lisa was in her room stomping around that she couldn’t have the moral high ground because screw her for forgetting only Jenny and Greta dumped Bart. The others just status quo’ed because Matt is stupid and dislikes story progress. Suddenly Lisa’s room phone rang. She answered as it could be Corey. Mmmmm.... Corey...
However it was Oscar being weird. “Hey, it’s me again. Well, I hope this doe sound weird but I’m inside your closet.” said Oscar.
”Oh helloooooooo sailor!” said a gay man.
”Gays in the closet joke.” said Oscar in the phone.
”Aaaaaaagh! This fellas all bones!” said the gay man.
”Skeletons in the closet reference...” said Oscar on the phone.
Lisa screamed and ran off.
”Lisa? Lis?” Oscar asked. “She cut me off...”
A monster roared.
Oscar ran out the closet screaming followed by lots of gay men, and a living skeleton and finally a furry closet monster.
Bart was in his room moping as Homer tried to microwave oven in the bath suicide. “Eh take a look in the mirror unplanned miracle...” said Homer’s voice in his head.
Bart looked in the mirror. “Hey! It’s another me!”
”Yeah it’s your reflection Bart. Or Hugo.” said Oscar. “Omg! Hugey!” He tried to hug the mirror but cracked it. Bart face palmed.
In mirror universe.
”J really wish my sort of good but rude teasing self would stop looking at me!” said evil but affable Bart. “And I really wish Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake would stop writing songs about the mirror verse! I’m a reflection you daft singers!” He pondered. “I really have to get back to planning world domination...”
“I’m gonna prove to Lisa that at least one of my girlfriends still loves me.” said Bart.
”Eat my shorts!” Greta slapped him.
“In your dreams!” Jenny slapped him.
”Not in my worst nightmare!” A tall sexy girl slapped him.
Bart ran away screaming from the Lovejoy because Jessica was trying to kill him.
Darcy revealed Kearney offered to be a dad to their baby.
”Hey sugar. If only we could be together... but... well I’m incarcerated...” said Gina at the bars of her juvenile hall.
Nikki ran hot and cold again. “You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here! Without giving me a kiss!”
”Inappropriate!” Nikki yelled. “I miss you!” She hugged him. “Stalker!” she pushed him away. “Save me!”
Bart did cuckoo noises to show he thought she was insane.
Then he came to Alotta’s house.
”Oh honey bunch!” She squealed.
Bart tears up his restraining order against her.
She squealed and hugged him. But then hit him with a frying pan.
”Ow! What was that for?” Bart whined.
”That’s for not coming home for dinner for a whole year!” said Alotta cross with him. “But your back now sweetie...” She hugged him. Bart cringed.
”Say sweetheart... how about you come round my house...” said Bart.
”Okay!” said Alotta. “Let me just tidy up my shrine. Come in!”
Bart went in and was horrified to find Alotta’s bedroom was a creepy shrine dedicated to him. He probably figured Melody Juniper had something similar after seeing her dream journal.
Lisa was outraged he further crushed her moral high ground by bringing round Alotta. The girl who insisted their fake marriage was real.
”Grrrrrrr! Bart., you’re date with Alotta is the same as my pity date with Milhouse you keep mocking.
”Yeah but I don’t get mocked for having a stalker... so there! Rtzzzzz!”
”Dance with me sugar!” said Alotta Cooties being creepy.
”Well this ball needs music! Princess Penelope?” Bart had somehow hired Princess Penelope to sing.
”We’re after the saaaaaaaame! The rainbows end... waiting round the bend... my huckleberry friend! Mooooooonriveeeeeeer aaaaand meeeee!” Penelope sung beautifully. The episode title was asking for it!
Alotta cried. “Oh Bart! You’re so romantic!” She hugged him grossing him out.
Lisa stormed off.
”At least visit Mary like you’re supposed to!” Lisa yelled.
”Why should I? I can have mostly , barring Jenny, Greta and the girl at the aquarium any of my girlfriends because my standards aren’t too high!” said Bart.
Lisa screamed. “So you’re happy with a stalker, a girl fat too old for you, a frigid dame or a jailbird!?”
“That’s better than nothing two timer...” said Bart.
Bart decided to see Mary anyway.
“She’s pretty cute for a yokel.” said Milhouse.
”Yeah she got to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint!” said Bart.
He was at the Spuckler shack.
”Are you one of my young uns?” Cleatus asked.
”No sir.” said Bart.
”Prove it,” said Cleatus.
”A B C....” said Bart.
”Okay! Okay! Mr Smartypants!” said Cleatus. “What’s you want?”
”I’m here to see Mary.” said Bart.
”Oh Mary gone run away.” said Cleatus.
”Ran away? Why?!” Bart asked.
“We noes no where.” said Cleatus.
”Daggumit!” Bart whined. “You think she still likes me?” Bart asked sounding funny. Oh Nancy... XD
“Oh errre... Brandine! Does Mary still like this boy?!” Cleatus asked his wife and cousin.
”Oh I don’t know what that girl likes anymore!” said Brandine. “She done ran away after we engaged her to Old Man Wellbottom!”
”And I’d be a fine husband too! If I ever get out of this well...” said a old voice from the well.
”Alright... alright that’s enough from you...” said Cleatus putting a cover on the well.
”But I just...” said Old Man Well Bottom.
”Right that’s it! Silly reference time!” Oscar giggled. Running off to the well.
”Oz no!” said Bart.
”Hey Old Man Wellbottom? Is Samara down there? You know white nighty, long black sopping wet hair, face only a mother could love before dying of fright?” Oscar asked Old Man Wellbottom.
”Well lemme see. Hey sweet cheeks. Are you Samara from the Ring?” asked Old Man Wellbottom.
Samara screamed a demonic scream.
Old Man Wellbottom screamed.
”Right that’s it you nut!” Bart yelled and grabbed Oscar. Trying to push him down the well. But Oscar got the upper hand and using Judo threw Bart down the well.
”Say hi to Timmy O’toole for me, jackass...” said Oscar storming off.
”Shaddup...” Bart moaned from the well.
Bart somehow got out of the well.
“Oh... she ran away...” Bart sighed. “And this isn’t helping!” He was drinking Moonshine! Triple X! He threw it away and it shattered like a pot in Wind Waker. “Time to get on the harder stuff.” He took out a moonshine jug with nine Xs on it. Holy crap he’s drinking!
Suddenly Dubya Spuckler came out of an airplane toilet.
“Hey Dubya.” said Bart.
”I know where my sister ran off to,” said Dubya. He looked about. “New York City.”
“New York?! That’s where Sesame Street is!” said Milhouse.
”No it’s not you fruit loop! Go join nut nut in the well!” Bart somehow got Oscar in the well.
”Do you ever wonder what happens to Oscar on garbage day?” Milhouse asked.
”No!” Oscar Tamaki said annoyed. Escaping from the well.
”New York. The big something. Here’s her address! Good luck!”
”I’m not a grouch!” Oscar Tamaki sulked.
Dubya shut himself in the engine compartment of an old rusty truck and because the handbrake was off it careened backwards into the lake taking Dubya down to a watery grave...
“Oh God! Mater from Cars ate him!!” Milhouse screamed.
Bart annoyed at his friends being stupid shoved Milhouse down the hill into the lake.
Bart was at home in his room and put on a videotape. It was the cursed one from the Ring!
”No! It’s not!” Bart yelled. The ring switched over to footage of Mary in a hay Barn.
”Bart I don’t know if we should really be up here...” said Mary.
“And why is that?” Bart asked in a romantic manner clearly recording himself making out with Mary. He yelled as he fell through a hole in the floor. “Oof!”
”Because the floor ain’t finished! Daddy just covers things in hay and says they’re done.” said Mary.
Bart mad a sad smile longing for Mary.
”Finally...” Lisa sighed.
”You can’t muster the power of the high ground, Lisa!” said Ewan McGregor Obi Wan Kenobi.
”Go away...” Lisa sighed.
Marge went by Bart’s room with washing.
”Mom, can we go to New York to find a girl I used to know...” Bart asked her.
“Ooooh! That’s sweet! But we’d need airplane money... and hotel money...” said Marge.
“And $500 for Yankee tickets that turn out to be bogus!” said Homer.
”Then don’t buy them!” Bart growled annoyed.
”But they’re playing the Purple Sox!” said Homer.
”Oh my God! The Purple Sox?! That’s my favourite team!” said Oscar.
”Oz that team isn’t real...” said Bart.
”I know that...” said Oscar.
“Oh come on Dad... you love New York...” said Bart holding his hand.
”No I don’t! I hate it! Remember?” said Homer. See The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson. Eat that Bart!
”Fine... but you’ll love it now your two least favourite buildings have been obliterated!” said Bart.
”Why you little!” Oscar strangled Bart violently. “I’ll teach you to make light of that monstrous tragedy that costed the lives of thousands of innocent people!”
“I meant Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium!” Bart gasped for breath.
”Oh yeah. Lousy outdated relics!” said Homer.
”Oscar stop jumping to conclusions!” Marge pulled him off of Bart.
”But I like jumping to conclusions!” Oscar said annoyed.
“Boy, do you remember what happened the last time we went to New York?” Homer asked Bart giving him a serious look. Then the whole episode enters moronic stupidity that even I’m not responsible for but thanks Matt for going loopy for me.
Homer imagines an old black and white film where he’s a jazz beatnik xylophone player at a party. He sees Marge and makes an aroused look at her. “Oh baby...”
Marge gives him a sultry wink but an uptight man in a suit with Glasses glares at him.
“Keep your meat hooks off my sister, Marge, or my goons will do the slow dance on your solar plexus!” said the man who was Marge’s brother some how!
“You’re dead J.J!” said Homer. Oh God it’s James Bouvier...
”Yes!” Erik cheered.
”Get yourself Buried!” said J.J Bouvier.
“Tough cookie eh? Well watch me take a bite outta ya!” said Homer. Mmmmm! Cannibalism...
“I’m about to go shooting and you just said who.” said J.J.
“That’s some lip you got on you...” said Homer menacingly. Some guy had already wooed Marge and took her home or off to dinner. “How’d you like me to stretch it like a rubber band and snap you into next week?” Is he Stretchdude now too? “You’re selling sour milk JJ and I’ve got a sour stomach.”
The imaginary scene ended abruptly.
”Homer that sounds an awful lot like The Sweet Smell of Success...” said Marge.
”Well it didn’t feel like a success...” Homer groaned.
Bart went off sadly.
“Ladies! Ladies! Whyyyyy!” Bart cried having borrowed Lisa’s Malibu Stacy dolls and stuck his girlfriends’ faces on them. Um okay...
”Bart! Gimme back my dolls!” Lisa took back her dolls.
Homer came in.
“Son, you can dial down the crazy.” said Homer. “Your mother and I have spoke about it and... We’ve found a way to get to New York.”
Bart was happy and joyful.
”It’s all set boy.” said Homer sitting down on Bart’s bed. “To save money we’re swapping houses.”
“But don’t the people wreck your house while they stay in it?” Bart asked.
“I didn’t say we swapped our house...” said Honer.
Amusingly there was a family of New Yorkers at Ned’s house.
“Yeah, how ya doin’?” The father asked Ned. “We’re staying here for two weeks!”
“Lord, you’re testing me? Aren’t ya?” Ned sighed.
“Yeah keep talking to your friend up there.” said the New Yorker father. “We’ll be doing it on your bed!”
“New York Style!” said the Mom.
In New York City. There were advertisements for the Mypad 4 and Death of a Salesman 2: The Seussqual. With Thing 1 and Thing 2. Oscar laughed hysterically when he saw the sign.
Bart sighed at the stupid advertisement.
“Desperation. By Krusty.” A liquor sold by Krusty. He was posing naked with the bottle! Eeeeeeew!
”Eeeeew! Krusty...” Bart groaned.
“Look at this place!” said Homer. “Things certainly have changed since our ancestor Fievel came here!” Oh god! XD!
Oscar screamed with laughter. He was in complete hysterics.
”Fievel was a mouse in a movie...” Lisa sighed.
Bart was exasperated by the stupidity this episode.
“Yeah. Now look at us. Only in America.” said Homer.
”Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash here!” said the Khlav Kalash man.
“Ooooooh! Not that guy and hi stupid cart...” Homer groaned. We pan out to a successful Khlav Kalash restaurant.
”50,000 square feet, all Khlav Kalash! Used to be book store! Ha books!” Said the Khlav Kalash man. “All thanks to you my friend!” The man was very grateful to Homer.
’Daaaaad, we need to find Mary! This letter has her address where she lives! Let’s go!” said Bart.
”Dad can’t you go with Bart while the rest of us seek out culture?” said Lisa.
”Yeah you do that.” said a naked cowboy wearing only cowboy boots, white underwear and his hat holding a guitar.
”Um you do realise you’re naked.” Homer whispered.
”I thought this was just a dream!” The man gasped. “Oh man!” He hid behind a bin.
Homer took Bart on the subway. They were inside George Tookey’s Subway painting! XD.
“Oooooooh! Tookey!” said Oscar intrigued as they barged past the concerned lady in the painting.
They ran onto a subway train.
They were sat between a very aggressive looking muscular black fellow with armfuls of tattoos and a hobo drinking. Bart was frightened.
”Hello Bart!” said Sideshow Bob as their train passed through a station he was in. Luckily for Bart the train doesn’t stop there. Only passes through.
Homer could see Bart was uncomfortable.
A crazy man screamed for no reason because crazy people use the subway.
”Alright I’ll spring for a cab.” said Homer.
The Hobo and the tough guy took the cab with them. XD!
“Much better.” said Homer.
When they arrived Bart was fast asleep.
”Okay here we are. Anything you leave behind in the back you’ll never see again.” said the cab driver.
Homer tried to leave without waking Bart. Ie to abandon him...
“Hey!” Bart whined. In Family Guy with Meg, Peter would have chloroformed her,
Bart rang the door to Mary’s place. Repeatedly. She didn’t answer.
”Oh face it. I’m doomed!” Bart groaned.
Homer gave him discouraging thoughts that love is pointless. Despite being a happily married man! “Let’s get some ice cream...” said Homer.
Then a girl in a fancy outfit asked Bart if he was looking for someone.
”Yes duchess. A girl I like that I lost touch with.” said Bart.
And oh what the hell! She reveals she is Mary Spuckler.
”It’s me Bart!”
”Mary? What are you doing for money?” Bart asked.
”It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m on Saturday night live.” said Mary.
”I have no idea why that’s embarrassing but it’s great to see you! Let’s ditch my dad and talk elsewhere!” said Bart.
They left Homer alone to get ice cream.
Meanwhile the rest of the family including Hugo, Eric and Tiny Tim went to see Pappa Pia the musical. XD.
However only a crap seat was available and they couldn’t say at least we’re at a broadway musical so Marge took back her money.
Meanwhile Bart caught up with Mary. There was nothing amusing apart from her dressed as Holly Golightly.
“Mmmmmm... Audrey Hepburn...” Oscar drooled aroused.
”Oz go and get breakfast at Tiffany’s or something.” said Bart.
”Okay.” said Oscar. He went to Tiffany’s to get breakfast. “What do you mean this is a jewellery store and you don’t serve food! I was stipulated that Tiffany’s serves breakfast!”
Suddenly Deep Blue Something sung Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
”And I say what about! Breakfast at Tiffany’s...”
Oscar screamed and ran out of the jewellery store.
”So did you really come all the way out here to see me Bart?” Mary asked him lovingly.
”Well, that and to see an air conditioner fall on someone’s head.” said Bart. “But I guess that doesn’t happen anymore.”
An air conditioner was tossed out a window and Homer screamed in pain. To Bart’s amusement Homer had an air conditioner on his head.
”Oh no! I’m Phil Hartman in the Brave Little Toaster!” Homer cried as he walked about blindly with an air conditioner on his head.
”Bart I’ll see you but I don’t want a grown up making me go back to Springfield. I’ll meet you somewhere special. The high point.” said Mary going to her flat.
Homer stumbled about with an air conditioner on his head crying. Bart stole his ice creams.
”come back with those ice creams boy!” Homer yelled why you little!” He strangled a lamppost. “Damn you and your fluted neck!”
Marge sighed. “Just once I want to see your father on the jumbo cam doing something heroic...”
Bart laughed and ate one of the ice creams. He had to stop himself eating the other. I’ll save this one for Hugo, he decided.
As a Promised Bart met Mary on a bridge a train has to pass across.
”Are you sure your Dad won’t find us?” Mary as Audrey Hepburn asked.
”We’re safe because we had to climb stairs to get up here.” said Bart.
Homer was at the bottom of a flight of stairs. He groaned.
”Can’t move uh?” A mugger asked.
”No...” Homer sighed.
The Mugger cut away his trousers and stole his wallet.
“I thought New York put a stop to crime,” said Homer.
”Thank Giuliani!” said the mugger.
Bart and Mary were engaging in small talk.
”So what’s happening in Springfield?” Mary asked.
”They let Sideshow Bob out of prison again.” said Bart.
Sideshow Bob appeared behind them and ran at Bart brandishing a knife! But a train ran into him at frighteningly fast and lethal speed. Possibly killing him.
“Huh? I didn’t know they still ran those trains.” said Bart offhandedly. Oscar laughed at Bob being ran over by a train.
Mary enquired about Bart’s family. In canon his mother and sister.
”Oh they’re trying to find culture for a low low price.” said Bart.
Marge and Lisa are near a turnstile you have to pay to go through. Hugo was eating an ice cream Bart stole from their dad when he got an air conditioner stuck on his head.
”No Lisa! If you’ll go through that turnstile we’ll have to pay.
Lisa brushed against the turnstile bars and went through. “Oops!”
”That was a paying potty!” said Hugo. “No one makes me pay to pee!” He used the Boom box time machine to travel back to the year 74 AD and punch Emperor Titus Flavius in the face for inventing pay toilets.
Meanwhile Oscar got lost but found Kevin.
“Oh my gosh! I got left home alone again! But in New York!” said Kevin McCallister. “Oh sweet my dad left his credit card behind! I’m gonna stay in that fancy hotel, the Plaza.” said Kevin from Home Alone.
Oscar and Kevin went in the Plaza.
”Good afternoon children. Where are your parents?” Tim Curry as the maitre D asked.
”Aaaaaaaagh! Tim Curry!” They screamed and ran down the halls and past Donald Trump who wondered why children were running through his hotel. Especially the potty mouthed one he kicked out in Blue Sunday.
The Simpsons coldly admired the bloody smear that was once Sideshow Bob on the train tracks.
”I guess Sideshow Bob’s plans got, Derailed!” Homer quipped.
”No I got a better one! Looks like he got Side Tracked! Gahahahahaha!” Bart said laughing hysterically. Everyone laughed agreeing that was funny.
Then everyone went to watch Romeo and Juliet in an outdoor theatre but the staff cancelled it because the Baldwin brothers, yes those Baldwins didn’t turn up. Apparently Alec Baldwin had a film contract to do. Kim Basinger was busy a well. Ron Howard from Happy Days was attached to direct.
“I was not!” said Ron Howard.
“Were too!” A theatre director argued.
”Okay enough!” Lisa yelled. “Anyone else not taking part?”
”Well sweetheart it’s a bit difficult to do Romeo and Juliet with none of the Montagues...“ said a stage performer.
”It’s all your fault John!” said a stage hand.
”How?” said John presumably.
”You ate all the potato salad! It was for everyone!” said the stage hand.
”It was first come first serve!” said John.
”No I wasn’t I made it after all!” said a stage hand.
”No you didn’t! Idiot! It says on the packet Zaybars!”
”He works at Zaybars!” said a stage hand called Oscar.
The Simpsons were baffled by this argument about potato salad.
”We all work at Zaybars!” said a stage hand.
”Guys! None of you made that potato salad!” Oscar, our Oscar! yelled. “I did! And it took me three days to make! Three days!”
”Oh god no! No Spongebob jokes Oz!” Bart whined.
The stage performers quit so Lisa and the audience wanting a play barricaded themselves inside and performed an amateur production of Romeo and Juliet.
”How forsooth may I help, M’lady? I talk the words of the immortal bard!” A professional Shakespearean actor asked to help with the performance.
”Um no offence but I said amateur...” said Lisa.
”But I was a villainous hotdog on a Taco Bueno commercial!” said the professional actor. “(Mocking snort) Ha! Your home made tacos are no match for pre boiled hotdogs! Mwuhahahaha!” He gave a great evil laugh.
”But there’s no evil hotdogs in Romeo and Juliet...” said Lisa as everyone raided the stage cupboard.
”Oh please!” said the professional actor.
”Please!” Oscar begged.
”Fine... get on your costume and enter stage left...” said Lisa.
”I must warn you I have crippling stage fright.” said the professional actor. How was he professional if he had stage fright?!
Lisa sighed annoyed.
Meanwhile Mary got out her banjo and offered to sing Bart a song professing her love for him.
”can I rap in it?” Bart asked.
”How about you just listen Bart.” said Mary patiently.
A boy I knew, turned up again.
Kinda liked him way back then.
Chased him round the livestock bend.
Mary sung. Bart found her southern belle singing beautiful. And listened.
”Now he knows how I feel listening to Malon singing.” said Young Link sighing romantically. My head canon is her weird Doooooo de doooooo sounds of Epona’s song is supposed to be a southern belle accent.
Malon sung beautifully to Young Link in a southern belle accent about a song the horses found soothing and enjoyed.
Meanwhile in the Holidays of Future Passed timeline the universe sort of collapsed in on itself because young Milhouse’s change in the past resulted in them having Jimmy Vanhouten-Simpson before Zia. Or after. Milhouse never stated Jimmy was his eldest child.
”It’s my desired future, narrator. Not Lisa’s.” said Milhouse explaining this was another time line.
However Milhouse grew older faster than his dad Kirk did and he has to deal with Sharia law in Michigan because apparently Al Qaeda invaded and took over.
Jimmy looked exactly like Milhouse as a kid, also he is friends with Kirk and Picard Simpson because I said so. Also Jimmy Van Houten is a being made of balloons and deathly afraid of sharp objects.
Meanwhile Wiggum and New York cops were outside the theatre.
”So it’s under siege from some disgruntled audience members barricading themselves inside eh? Pump it full of tear gas boys...” said Wiggum unsympathetic to Lisa’s cause.
Else where in another world. Electric Mayhem’s. Bart did not seek out Mary. Instead on a school trip to an actual river of Moonshine he fell in love with a fourth grader in the other class called Tasha Summers.
However all his previous girlfriends suddenly turn up to convince him not to go out with her. Cue Mary, Nikki, Jessica, Alotta, Gina, etc turning up.
And Mater from Cars ate Dubya Spuckler and Milhouse screamed.
Meanwhile Oscar had his head in the moonshine river gulping up the moonshine.
”No Oz! That’s moonshine!” Hugo warned him.
Elsewhere in the main time line.
Bart wondered why there was a time line where he didn’t try to reunite with Mary.
“Now, Mary, you listen to me. I'm one-third your father and you're gonna come back. If y'all will excuse me, I gotta freshen up for the ride home. Enjoy your fancy-schmancy in-house for the last time.” said Cleatus ordering Mary to return home.
”But Papa!” Marty whined.
”I’m sorry Mary but you need to come home. Your mother misses you. She’d say so herself but the donkey busted her jaw.” said Cleatus.
”Oz how is that funny...?” Bart sighed.
”But Papa!” Mary protested.
”Now young missy!” said Cleatus.
“Psst!” Bart in some bushes called to Mary.
“Um, I've got to go.” Mary sighed.
“Go where?” Bart asked.
”You know. Back home to the outskirts of Springfield where all the hillbillies live.” said Mary.
“Uh, well, since we're here, I'm gonna go try to get Al Roker's autograph.” said Bart. Oscar glared at him.
“Here you go, little fan.” said Al Roker giving Bart his autograph.
”Get the hell outta here Roker! You are not funny! And neither is epilepsy!” Oscar yelled.
”Look! I’m Porygon! Red blue! Red blue! Red blue! Hallabulahhhgbghjjjuh!” Al Roker made fun of people with epilepsy.
Mary didn’t want to leave New York so she parted ways with Bart and ran away.
“Goodbye, Bart, and don't worry, there'll be other Mary Spucklers, including my sisters Mary Zeke and Mary Not Quite Right.” said Mary.
“Aw!” A crowd cooed.
”But Mary I love you!” said Bart.
”Aw!” The crowd cooed.
Mary smiles and kisses Bart. (train horn blows) “Bart, if any girl tries to fix you, let 'em, because you got a couple of big problems. But mostly, you're great!” She then took a train and left. For good.
Homer arrived with Cleatus.
”Boy, you tell me where Mary's gone!“ Cleatus said sharply.
”I can't.“ said Bart.
”Boy, you squeal like a piggy for the hillbilly man.” said Homer. Mmmmm! Deliverance...
”I can't because Mary's the girl that proves that girls can like me. And she wouldn't like me anymore if I gave her up. So I won't, even if you torture me like you do the English language.“ said Bart to Cleatus.
”Hmmmm... very well, Sonny.” said Cleatus.
We cut to Bart being horribly tortured and sexually abused by those freaky scary hillbillies.
”AaaaaAgh! I didn’t know you were those scary hillbillies from Deliverance!” Bart screamed.
”All Hill Williams are scary Deliverance and Smokey and the Bandit style! You no good city folk!” said Cleatus.
”Squeal piggy! Squeal!” A hill billy tortured Bart.
”Oz no!” Lisa groaned.