Margical History Tour Bart, Lisa and Milhouse are taken to the library by Marge to study for there homework but there are no books! So Marge tells them three stories about historical characters.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Bart, Lisa and Milhouse went to the library because they had papers to write, however there were no books!!

"I have to research a paper, where are all the books?!" Lisa asked the librarian.

"Books? Books are for squares! We're now a multimedia education centre for children of all ages!" said the librarian. "But mostly for bums." she added dry pointing to some hobos asleep at the tables.

"Bum! Bum! Buuuuum!" Oscar sang.

"Oscar don't!" Bart whined.

They looked around at the hobos. On one table next to them Homer was sleeping.

"Ay carumba!" said Bart.

Homer woke up. "Huh?" before going back to sleep.

Bart, Lisa et al decided to try the kids area. However there were no books there either.

"Everybody poops the video? Yugioh price guides?" Lisa sighed.

"Coooool! Yugioh!" said Oscar picking up a price guide.

Lisa rolled her eyes at his enthusiasm for Yugioh over researching the Tudors for his paper.

"There are hardly any books at all!" Lisa was vexed that there were no books.

"No books? But I have to do a paper for Mrs Krabappel on King Henry the eight and I have to get a pumpkin sticker or better!" said Milhouse.

"Awww! There, there!" Marge comforted Milhouse. "I can help you kids!"

"Uh??" Bart and Lisa et al gasped.

"I know a few things about history! Gather round!" said Marge taking a seat as she held Maggie. Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Oscar sat on the carpet of the kid's area.

"King Henry the Eighth had everything he ever wanted except a son to follow in his footsteps." said Marge as she narrated.

King Henry the Eighth

We arrive at a palace in sixteenth century England.

Homer is King Henry the Eighth. (Oscar chuckled.)

(How is that funny Oscar? - asked Bart)

(If you knew who King Henry the Eighth was you'd laugh! - Oscar replied still laughing)

And Marge was Catherine of Aragon.

King Henry the Eighth (Homer) was having a banquet for lunch while singing I'm King Henry the Eighth I am! And eating food including magical food such as a suckling pig that regurgitates apples every time he took one. He even ate the apple whole! Core and all! And there was a pie that he grabbed turkey legs from. Yes a turkey leg summoning pie.

"Aaaaaagh! Stop singing that song! Everyone knows who you are!" Catherine of Aragon/Marge yelled.

"Except Whoopi Goldberg. Mmmmmm Ghost..." said King Henry the Eighth.

Catherine of Aragon sighed.

"Catherine of Aragon what are you doing out of your bedchambers! Doeth not see I have planted my royal seed in you?" King Henry explained.

"Your majesty, I know you wanted a son. But can you not talk about my pregnancy in front of the entire court?!" Catherine nagged.

Everyone laughed.

"I have determined the Queen's womb is full of sea serpents!" said Tudor Dr Nick.

"They're my swimmers you idiot!" said King Henry.

"Your majesty please don't talk about your 'stunt men' in court..." Catherine sighed.


That night King Henry and Catherine were sleeping. Henry dreamed about a potential son played by Bart.

"Father, I am the dashing young son you crave! Could a girl do this? (Belches)" said the imaginary prince before burping.

"Oh! Son, why can't I have ye?" Henry whined in his sleep.

"I dunno, too much jerking in your merken?" said the Bart prince.

"Why you little! Get out of my dreams and into my wife!" King Henry strangled the imaginary prince in his dreams.

Catherine was woken by Henry's um antics...

"(Disappointed sigh) I could have married the king of France. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation! Ding a ling a ling! If you know what I mean." said Catherine to herself.

"Um I sure that means he has a closet to come out of and uh he probably doesn't like women..." said the narrator.


The next day King Henry was getting dressed. Or his servents were dressing him to be exact. King Henry was whining that his clothes no longer fitted him.

"Oh that just means there's more of you to love, Sire!" said a maiden.

"Who dares flatter the king?" said King Henry.

"Anne Boleyn, lady of the child bearing hips. Here's my card." said Anne Boleyn.

"Why yes those are some fine child bearing hips! My son could cartwheel out of there!" said King Henry. However his wife, Catherine dragged him away by his ear. "Ow! Where are you taking me?!"

"Marriage councilling." said Catherine of Aragon.

They went to see Dr Hibbert as a marriage councillor.

"Uh...why is Dr Hibbert a marriage councillor and that lunatic Dr Nick the only doctor?" asked Bart.

"There were no black doctors back then." said the narrator.

King Henry explained his problems to Hibbert.

"I want to leave my wife but I can't chop off her head because her dad is the king of Spain." said King Henry the Eighth.

"I really wanna see Grampy as the king of Spain." said Bart.

That's not gonna happen Bart...

"Your majesty marriage takes a lot of hard work." said Hibbert. King Henry clicked his fingers and several guards with poleaxes held their poleaxes to Hibbert's neck. "On the other hand I say let's dump that lemon and head for the hills!"

King Henry went to see Ned/Cardinal Thomas Wolsey.

"Divorce?! But the cath diddly athlic church doesn't even know what that is! And that's our only church!" said Ned as Wolsey.

"Then I'll make my own church!" said King Henry.

"Whaaaaat?!" said Ned.

"And then divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!" said King Henry.

"Your majesty I'd hate to incur your divine wrath, but I think the pope knows more about mar diddly arriage than you." said Ned.

"My friend, because you stuck to your principles I will canonise you!" said King Henry.

Ned was shot out of a cannon... uh... I don't think that's what it means...

"I can see my house from heeeeeerreeeee!" yelled Ned as the cardinal.


In court Catherine had to explain to Lisa who was playing Princess Elizabeth why they were divorcing.

"Some times mommies and daddies fall out over- Basically you came out the wrong sex!" said Catherine of Aragon.

"Yeah so grow a penis or get lost!" said King Henry. Yeah he says that! XD

Lisa as Elizabeth crouched and grunted as if she was trying to poop. "Unnnnnnngh! I can't! And uh, I soiled myself..."

"Bye bye." King Henry banished his daughter.

"Why can't a girl just be the leader? Or we hold elections?" Elizabeth asked stinking out the throne room with her soiled undergarments.

"I wonder if I can canonise a child..." King Henry pondered out loud.

"Okay I'm leaving! Leaving!" Princess Elizabeth ran out of the throne room.

Later King Henry was annoyed to find his kingdom being divided in two because of the divorce. He had to hand half of his kingdom to Catherine.

"You should have invented the prenup." said Blue haired lawyer.

King Henry found it funny that Catherine got Ireland. “Ha! You got Ireland!”

Catherine sighed.


King Henry then married Anne Boleyn.

"By the power you just embedded in yourself today your majesty I pronounce you man and wife. In the words of Henry Hank Harry. Ahem, Henry." said Lovejoy.

"Now lets put a son in the oven!" said King Henry. They promptly had sex, right there on the church floor, in front of everyone in England. Eeeeugh!

Martin and Nelson covered them with a sign that said "Prince in making."

However later on, possibly months later, Anne had some unfortunate news.

"I'm sorry I gave you a daughter, Sire!" said Anne Boleyn.

"Oh hohoho! You say that like it's a bad thing!" said King Henry. The camera pans out to reveal he has sentenced her to be beheaded. "Wiggum, I sentence her to death! Off with her head!"

"Your head lives for five seconds so I put some magazines in the head basket." said Wiggum before decapitating her with an axe.

"Oh my horoscope! Today will bring great fortune! Wrong!!" said Anne's head.


Then someone was watching a medieval puppet show. Uh it was Henry... and the puppet show was Itchy and Scratchy...

"Ooooh... if only I had a son to enjoy this with..." King Henry sighed.

Suddenly he saw a beautiful lady in his courtroom. "Hey baby, how'd you like to be queen for a day?"

"Hehehehe! It's funny because you keep killing them!" said Wiggum.

Then there was the wedding.

"Do you shrieking Susan take King Henry to be your lawful wedded husband?" asked Lovejoy.

"Yes! I do! I do! Henrish is the handsomeness!" The lady had a very painful and annoying voice and was madly in love.

Henry made a throat cut gesture to Wiggum to say he wanted her beheaded.

Shrieking Susan was beheaded. "The lord is my shep-Aaaaagh!"

Then Sir Otto of Mann was beheaded!

"Told you I'm a dude!" said Sir Otto.

Then a red haired woman.

"You didn't dump me, I dumped you!" she said before being beheaded.


Then King Henry some how married Agnes Skinner.

"Why the hell did I marry you?!" King Henry asked.

"Because of my track record! I've had ten sons! All them losers called Seymour! Now get on the King maker!" yelled Agnes grabbing him.

She got beheaded... however Wiggum kept missing.

"Swing and miss! Oh come on! I'm ninety three! You could cut me with a butter knife!" said Agnes.

Eventually he beheaded her.

"Well don't just stand there! Bury me!" said Agnes.

That evening, Sir Moe of Syzlack had some bad news.

"Your majesty, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news... but... we've ran out of pikes to stick your wives' heads on." said Moe.

"Why you!" King Henry grabbed Moe. "I'll show you running out of pikes!"

Henry went to check the pike room. It was empty.

"Oh you were right. I owe you an apology!" said King Henry. He was holding Moe's freshly decapitated head.

"That means a lot to me." said Moe's head.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

There was an intermission in the story as everyone had to use the library's bathroom to be sick because of Marge's violent gory story.

"Mom that was disgustingly violent! You won't even let me watch films that bad!" Bart groaned returning from the bathroom.

"And I hope that was just the first act because that was historically inaccurate! King Henry only had six wives and he only beheaded two of them! You've already gone through five! And uh I don't want to remember that Otto thing..." Lisa ranted.

"Okay I spiced things up a bit! Big deal!" said Marge.

"Mom it's a big deal if Bart fails his paper..." said Lisa.

"Anyhoo! Act II!" said Marge.

King Henry the Eight: Act II

(Shakespeare did it!)

"Oscar that was King Henry the fourth..." said Lisa.

We return to sixteenth century England, King Henry's palace.

King Henry has just had lunch and is wiping his mouth on the Magna Carta.

"Your majesty, Jane Seymour. Should I get the axe sharpened?" Wiggum asked as he escorted Lindsey Naegle as Jane Seymour into the court room.

However King Henry thought she was gorgeous.

"No I love this women! Oh! How did you get to be in Live and Let Die which doesn't exist until over four hundred years from now! And don't say witchcraft!" said Henry.

(Uh... That's not the same Jane Seymour... said Lisa)

"Uh, sure, how about we get to your bedchamber and try for a son?" said Jane Seymour.

"Certainly! Hehehehe!" King Henry picked her up and kissed her before running off.

Later Jane was in bed having given birth to a baby resembling Bart. The son King Henry was dreaming about in act one.

"My darling! You bore me a son! How ever can I thank you!" said King Henry cradling the baby.

The Bart-like baby was crying.

"Oh Henry, I just want to make you happy! Oh no! I'm dying!" said Jane Seymour before choking and eh dying. "Eccccckkkk! Dead!"

"Oh no! She's dead! The only woman to ever please me is dead!" King Henry screamed. "I wonder if I should make necrophilia legal..."


Jane Seymour was buried the next day and King Henry and Baby Prince Edward attended her funeral.

Tim Lovejoy already had found him a new wife.

"Your majesty, I know this is a difficult time..." Said Lovejoy. King Henry was crying and eating a turkey leg. "But we've found you a new wife..." a lady who's identity was shrouded under her veil was stood nearby. "May I introduce, Anne of Cleves." Unfortunately the woman was Selma as Anne of Cleves!

"Aaaaaagh! It's hideous!!" King Henry screamed holding baby Orince Edward. "How can it be any worse?!" He then imagined her with a pig face and spots. "Eeeeeugh! Kill it with fire!"

Anne of Cleves was burnt at stake for being extremely ugly.

"Oh well, I've always wanted to take up smoking..." said Anne of Cleves.

Then Lovejoy was beheaded.

"What did I do?!" Lovejoy asked before Wiggum executed him.

Then jump forward a few years, ten year old Prince Edward had Oscar the court jester beheaded.

"Okay I won't make anymore wisecracks about you inventing potatoes!" cried Oscar as he was beheaded.

(King Edward spuds... Hehehehe!)


King Henry was having a feast. The table was full of foods.

"I wonder where Edward is? His missing Lupper!" said King Henry.

Suddenly Bart as Prince Edward bursted out of a turkey that laid on the table. "It was me! I was the turkey all along!" Edward said joyfully being silly.

King Henry chewed a turkey leg thoughtfully. "I was wondering what that turkey was doing there."

King Henry then embraced his son. "My boy, soon all of this kingdom will be yours and yada yada some stuff from the Lion King etc. How about I get you a younger brother..."

"No thanks you already locked my twin brother up in the tower!" said Prince Edward as the scene quickly cut to the inside of a prison cell in the Tower of London where a crazed Prince Hugo was locked up. He was laughing madly.

(Oh great a Hugo reference... Bart sighed)

"I'll teach you to make a Hugo reference!" King Henry snarled before strangling Prince Edward.


After Lupper King Henry was bored.

"Sir Lenny find me another wife." said Henry.

"But sire you just had Catherine Howard executed for witchcraft!" said Sir Lenny. This is true! He accused one of his wives of being a witch!"

Susan the witch from Treehouse of Horror XI as Catherine Howard was cackling evilly while tied to a stake to be burnt. "I'll turn you all into toads! Ahahahaha!"

"As much as that's true. Except it was Anne Boleyn, it's still rather far fetched..." Lisa sighed.

One evening an elderly King Henry had finally got back with his first wife Catherine of Aragon (Marge).

"Ooooh my darling, can you forgive a foolish old King?" said King Henry.

"Of course dear! Let me fluff up your pillow-Nnnnn!" said Marge as Catherine before grabbing a pillow and suffocating King Henry to death with it. He died as dramatic music played.

The end!

"That was the worst, most historically inaccurate version of King Henry the Eighth I have ever had the displeasure of listening to..." Lisa said rudely.

"I thought it was cool! Especially with all the beheadings!" said Bart despite being sick earlier.

"And King Henry's daughter Elizabeth became queen where she was a daft old bat who annoyed Rowan Atkinson in British comedies! The end!" said Marge ignoring Lisa.

"Ace! Pumpkin stickers here I come!" said Milhouse finishing his homework and running off.

However Nelson tripped him and took his homework. He read the historically inaccurate homework.

"Hmmmm! And here I was just moping around tripping up nerds! See you later loser!" said Nelson taking Milhouse's homework. Milhouse was lying on the floor blindly trying to find his glasses.

Nelson then ran back and stamped on them, breaking the glasses.


Next it was Lisa's turn to initiate a story. For some reason the library magically restocked some of its books despite what the librarian said earlier.

"Mom I need to write a paper on Sacajawea for Thursday and there are only this book on Ron Santo and this video of Disney's Pocahontas!" said Lisa.

"That's sort of accurate..." said Oscar finishing his homework.

"Oscar they lived two hundred years apart! How are they even similar to each other?!" Lisa ranted.

A hobo took the Ron Santo book. "Oh! Toilet paper!" he said before heading off somewhere. Lisa sighed.

"Uh... they're both Indian?" said Oscar.

"Grrrr! Don't call them that!" Lisa growled.

"Lisa do you want help or not?" Marge nagged.

"Of course I do Mom..." Lisa sighed.

"Well luckily for you my school taught all the girls Sacajawea while the boys did math!" said Marge. Lisa rolled her eyes at the sexism rife in her Mom's old school.


"Are you sure they're not the same person? I'm pretty sure all famous Native American ladies in stories are the same women..." said Oscar as the story started.

"Oscar zip it!" said Bart.

"Now in eighteen oh four President Jefferson sent colonist and a few embedded journalists across America to find Native Americans! They sailed up the Mississippi River through Saint Louis." In the story the St Louis Arch which wasn't even built yet existed but was made of sticks...

Lenny and Carl lead colonists from the young United States of America to an icy camp in St Louis. "Unfortunately thinks didn't look good for the colonists" Lenny and Carl had got their tongues stuck to a flag pole.

"However in spring they made contact with Native Americans." said Marge.

"Greetings white man! And uh Carl..." said Chief Homer.

"Greetings primative savages! Here's our flag!" said Carl handing over a modern day American flag... "Now hide your shameful nakedness and worship our god!"

Chief Homer was pondering where to kill them.

"Thank you. But first let me offer you as a guide my daughter Sacajawea!" said Homer introducing a little Native American girl with Valley girl pigtails that looked like Lisa. "In our language her name means little know it all who won't shut her maize hole!"

Sacajawea grumbled at her dad's remark about her. "I'd be happy to help! Anything to get away from my French husband..."

Milhouse came running from a teepee. "But my darling! Please stay! The darkness, she scares me!"

"Why did I sell you to him?!" said Chief Homer.


Sacajawea guided the Americans across America.

"Those berries are poisonous. Those leaves are poison oak... that belt is a snake, also poisonous..." said Sacajawea explaining things that were dangerous as Otto was about to eat berries, a man was handling poison oak leaves to make a tent and the guy with glasses at the power plant hastily put down a snake. "D'oh! I mean venomous!"

"The only thing poisonous here is your attitude! And- Aaaaagh! I'm dying! Oh well at least I'll leave a beautiful corpse..." said Otto eating the poisonous berries before dying.

Sacajawea sighed at his stupidity. "And if you see a cougar try to look big and don't let her see any very young men!"

(Not that kind of Cougar... Lisa sighed.)

"Oh and when you get the chance bury your friend." said Sacajawea. Some vultures were eating Otto.

"Hey we're still mourning." said Lenny.

"Hey let's get a drink!" said Carl.

There was a Moe's in the countryside nearby...

"Hot damn! And they said you can't build a bar in the middle of Kansas!" said Moe.

A tornado sucked up his bar.

"Hey where did he go?" said Lenny.

"To Oz." said pioneer Oscar being silly.

"Oscar..." the pioneers/colonists groaned.


"Ahh... the Pacific Ocean." said Carl as we see just water.

"That's a mud puddle." said Sacajawea as the camera panned out to reveal they were staring at a puddle.

"Hey we're the pioneers here." said Carl.

"How did you two manage to be explorers?" Sacajawea sighed.

"We both own a compass." said Carl. "Turns out the arrows are just painted on.

Sacajawea sighed

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

Meanwhile Quimby as President Jefferson was holding a meeting about his pioneers.

"And our brave and clever explorers should be about here now." said Jefferson pointing out a location on his map. However Sacajawea and the pioneers walked past the window.

"You morons!" Jefferson yelled at them for getting lost.

A year later Sacajawea was leading the explorers through a field when they were surrounded by Native Americans from another tribe.

The explorers loaded their guns with shotgun noises. The Natives made their bows make similar noises! XD.

"Wait! Don't shoot! That's my brother's tribe!" said Sacajawea. The camera panned round to Bart as a fierce Native Warrior. It's the Bart of War part two!

"Brother please don't hurt them! They're my friends!" said Sacajawea.

"Awww! At least let me have one pity skull..." Native Bart sighed.

Suddenly French Milhouse was bothering them. "Ah! My best friend and brother in law! Remember when I slaughtered your cattle? Water under ze bridge eh? Hehehehe..."

"Go for the eyes..." Said Sacajawea giving her brother permission to kill Milhouse.

"Oh great! You're still not satisfied after humiliating the Cavalry Kids..." said Milhouse over the story.

"Nope." said Bart.


After French Milhouse was killed Lenny and Carl found a river.

"Oh boy, we'll just canoe down the Mississippi to the Pacific and have some of that sweet mermaid sex! Oh yeah!" said Carl.

"I keep telling you, those are salmon!!" Sacajawea yelled.

"Oh look! Sacajawea has an opinion!" said Lenny.

"What a surprise..." said Carl. "Look you should be at least grateful for us bringing you civilisation!" Carl grabbed a squirrel and blew his nose on it! Yeeeuck.

"I, am the reason you've on,y made it this far! From now on you're on your own!" Sacajawea yelled before storming off. "Stupid compass... was painted on..."

"Ah... she'll be back... she forgot her husband!" said Lenny holding Milhouse's skull.

Sacajawea was sitting on a rock moping.

"Stupid ingrates, like they'll discover anything... isn't that right oh soft furry rock?" said Sacajawea lying on a rock. However the rock was a cougar! It got up and growled at her.

Sacajawea screamed and cowered as it swiped at her.

Suddenly Lenny and Carl came to her rescue holding their jackets open trying to look big and intimidating.

"We're big! We're big!!" said Carl.

"Which you cougars find terrifying!" said Lenny.

Meanwhile Oscar was being stupid. "Ooooooh! Look at me! I'm a young bachelor fresh out of college! Oooooh!" Petunia from Futurama grabbed him.

"Mmmmm! Mama like!" said Petunia leaving with him.

"Okay that's enough Oscar..." Sacajawea sighed as the cougar fled.

"You saved me" she said to Lenny and Carl. "And listened to what I said!"

"Of course we did, Pocahontas..." said Carl.

"Sacajawea..." Sacajawea got annoyed at them for getting her name wrong.

"Gesudheit!" said Carl.


Sacajawea lead them to the ocean.

"Look! The Pacific Ocean!" said Sacajawea.

"Woohoo!" Carl cheered. "We shall name this place the Pacific Northwest point!"

Suddenly it started raining.

"Oh it's raining!" said Lenny.

"Oh well, as thanks for helping us, we will give you the highest honour we can give to a fellow American!" said Carl.

The End!

"And St Louis kept his promise!" said Marge holding a coin with a Native American woman on it.

"What is that? A poker chip?" Bart asked.

"A Chuck e Cheese's token?" Milhouse asked.

"No! It's a Sacajawean dollar! You can exchange it at a bank for a real dollar!" said Marge.

"I still think having a Disney film made about her would be a better honour..." said Oscar.

Everyone sighed at him.


"Okay, Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about?" asked Marge.

"Dunno, the boogeyman?" Bart asked whilst looking at his fingernails. Oscar screamed and hid in the bean bags.

"Come on Bart, we can make this fun!" said Marge. "It's just like an amusement park except instead of rides there are dates!"

"Mom... everyone who ever lived is boring..." said Bart.

"Boring? Is there anything boring about a badass rockstar who lived fast and died young?" asked Marge.

"I know there's a catch but go on!" said Bart.

"At the turn of the Eighteenth century in Europe a young prodigal musician was very famous..." Marge narrated as the scene was set.


Homer as an eighteenth century nobleman was on stage near a harpsichord.

"Now prepare yourselves for the musical stylings of, my son! He makes Bach go back! Hayden go into Hayden and eh... that's the only ones that have been so far... enjoy!" said Homer as Mozart's Dad.

Bart as Mozart appeared on stage and sat at his harpsichord.

"Are there any aficionados in the house?!" Mozart asked.

"Yeah! Sonata in A, K331 third movement!" yelled Otto.

"I can't hear you..." said Mozart.

"Sonata in A, K331 third movement!" Otto yelled.

Mozart started playing the third movement of the Rondo "Alla Turca"

Ladies started cheering and fainting. Some even threw their underwear onto the stage at Mozart. Eeeew!

There was even a Mrs Krabappel in that time period showing off her corset... uuugh...

Meanwhile Mozart played the harpsichord with his butt, hit it with violins and then picked it up with inhuman strength and played it with his teeth.

"Oh great now Mozart's nicked my Clobbergirl powers..." Lisa sighed.

"Coooool!" said Bart.


Eventually the concert ended with everyone tidying up and Mozart sitting around admiring his fingernails.

"Wonderful performance son! But you forgot to sell the merchandise..." said Mozart's Dad as he was holding shirts that read, "Like a Bat out of Salzburg." With an angry picture of Mozart surrounded by flames. "Huh? Huh?"

"Papa please let me be the headliner! I always show up on time and I always close the piano like ever so slowly!" said Lisa as Salieri Mozart.

"Oh little Salieri, its a harpsichord!" said Mozart's Dad.

"Fine. A harpsichord..." said Salieri.

"Oh Salieri, you're a wonderful musician but your brother is keeping me in expensive but deadly lead face powder! Oooooh.... Ooooh..." said Marge as Mozart's mom as she put deadly lead face powder on her face.

Salieri grumbled.

"Now go and play with your less talented younger brothers, Jackie, Tito and Jermaine..." Said Mozart's Dad.

The three founding brothers of the Jackson Five were dancing to music.

"Uh...." Lisa was confused by this reference.


Some time later in her room Salieri was playing on a small black piano when Mozart snuck up on her and put a plague rat down her shirt.

"Eeeeew! A plague rat!" Salieri whined as she pulled it out and threw it away.

Mozart laughed hysterically.

"Don't you have symphonies to write?" Salieri asked.

"I'm writing one right now." said Mozart writing with a quill using his foot. He picked up and read the musical notes. "I call this, Symphony in G, my sister sucks!" Salieri groaned as he went off chuckling.

"Oh Lord why did you give such transcendent musical talent to such an undeserving fool?" Salieri groaned.

"Because you are ugly!!" said Mozart taunting her. Salieri growled at him.


Then Mozart answered the palace doors one day to find much to his annoyance his friend Oscar had come to visit. Eighteenth century Oscar was skipping about eagerly to be let in.

"Hi Wolfy how ya doing?" Oscar asked.

"Oscar I've told you don't call me that!" Mozart whined.

"But that's your name, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart." Oscar explained.

"I want to be known as Mozart. It's already on all my merchandise." said Mozart pointing to shelves of merchandise ready to sell at tonight's concert. "Although... I would like to have dramatised movie about me made called Amadeus..."

"Oh and it could have a song called Rock me Amadeus!" said Oscar.

"No!" said Mozart. "And what sort of cacophony is rock? Rocks are hard stones not music!"

Oscar sighed.

Mozart then had symphonies to recite but he just wrote a very rude one called Lich meine arsch. (Lick my arse) and started farting deliberately when a guest asked him to play a rival composers work.

Oscar laughed hysterically.

"Mozart! What have I told you about farting?!" Mozart's Dad was cross with him.


That evening Rainer Wolfcastle in a mincing wig, ooooooh! was announcing the latest young prodigies in the ten year olds category who were sponsored by Ernest Bratwurst.

"Oh papa can we have Ernest Bratwurst?" Rainer asked the ceiling. Um his dad is dead.

Then Mozart was welcomed on stage to cheers from his fans he had an announcement.

"I hope to see you all at my latest concert in... Krakow!" He said while pulling down his pants and underwear to moon them. Everyone cheered.

"Mozart! What have I told you about exposing your buttocks to everyone!" Mozart's Dad scolded him.

Mozart hastily pulled up his pants lest he got a spanking.

"Not to show off my butt for punchlines or attention..." Mozart replied.


At the big concert in Krakow Mozart while waiting to be called stuck a sign to his teacher, Skinner's back that said "I am a dummkopf!" in gothic letters and laughed.

Skinner heard him and turned around to tell him off.

"Mozart! What are you playing at?!" Skinner yelled.

"Nothing..." Mozart lied.

"And now can of the star of tonight's opera take the stage, Mozaaart!" said the announcer.

"Oooooh! It's so full that it's mincing room only!" said Mozart's Dad. In the standing area were loads of effeminate dandy foppish men mincing.

Mozart took to the stage and started his opera which was the song Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. (A little night music) which is actually a serenade not an opera. However he had changed the words to be about beans and farting.

"Beans, oh beans! Delicious in your mouth! But watch out when beans exit south!

Tooting. Some call it pooting, it's air polluting, gas shoots straight out of you butt! Butt butt butt! Butt butt! Butt, butt, butt!" sang the opera singers.

"Wow the opera is going great!" said Salieri.

"Why of course! The emperor when he is bored so are we!" said Mozart's Dad.

This gave Salieri an evil idea. She laughed wickedly.

She started trying to offer everyone glasses of claret laced with a sleeping drug but Oscar was already aware of her sabotage and stuck his leg out to trip her. She stumbled over and splashed claret all over herself.

Oscar laughed as she groaned at the state she was in.

Plot 4[edit | edit source]

In the library.

"Does Mozart ever get any comeuppance?!" Lisa whined.

"If he does it'll have to wait until we get home, I have to get dinner started. said Marge.

"That story is also starting to sound an awful lot like that Amadeus movie, which was historically inaccurate..." said Lisa.

"Yeah bot the guy who played Mozart was from Animal House!" said Homer. He stated singing Animal House.

They went home. At bedtime Marge continued Bart's story about Mozart.

It was late after the concert, Mozart was being tucked up in bed.

"Oh Mozart I remember when I would sing you the lullabies you wrote as a baby..." Homer Mozart said lovingly.

"That's nice Dad..." said Mozart yawning.

"Then there was changing your diapers..." said Mozart's Dad.

"Okay we don't need to talk about that..." Mozart sighed.

"Good night dear." said Mozart's mom.

"Eat my pantaloons!" said Mozart.


"Even after Mozart eventually passed away Salieri was never famous." Marge narrated.

"But I have a symphony to write to the emperor!" said Salieri.

"That'll have to wait Salieri. The emperor has found a new prodigy!" said her dad.

Nelson as Beethoven was playing his most famous symphony while laughing to the tune.

"Haw haw, haw haw! Haw haw, haw haw!" said Nelson as Beethoven.

Salieri went nuts and submitted herself to the local insane asylum.

The end!

"Wow! That was cool mom! It had everything, me as the main character, my character getting a happy ending, Lisa's jealous and obnoxious character getting a sad ending... it was perfect! Goodnight mom!"

Goodnight dear." said Marge kissing him good night.

The actual end!

The credits show what happened to the characters. King Henry the Eighth still holds the world record of most turkey legs eaten. Sacajawea found fame by appearing on boxes of butter. Mozart's burial site became the most popular gas station in Berlin. (Hehehe!) And Homer watched Animal House that night before going to work the next day in a toga.

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