Marge on the Lam Or lamb. Mmmm, lamb... Marge wins two tickets to the ballet by donating money to a telethon. (Like Homer except she didn't donate thousands she couldn't afford and get chased by angry baby programme characters.) Homer promises to go with her until he finds out what ballet is and by some coincidence gets his hands stuck in vending machines at work. A disappointed Marge decides to go out with Ruth instead. However when she goes out again, Homer wants to have a night out, however the kids need a babysitter...
The Simpsons one night are watching a boring nerd reading from a book. Based on the audience laughing he’s supposed to be a comedian.
“Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls... where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked... and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.” said the elitist comedian only very witty and intelligent people found funny. Homer sat bored.
“What the hell's so funny?” Homer yelled.
”Shhhhh!” Marge hushed him.
(Inhales) “At the Apple Biscuit Café... where the smiles are free, don't you know... Sven lnqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day.” The nerdy comedian read from his book.
“Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny!” Homer yelled. (Grunts) He smacks the TV.
“Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive... over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever.” said the boring nerd.
”He’s in the bathroom John. Just keep it up for a few more minutes.” said a guy off camera in the programme the Simpsons were watching.
”When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.” said the comedian.
The audience laughed.
“How was that funny?” Homer asked.
“You obviously don’t see the subtlety of his jokes Dad...” said Lisa.
“I know what funny is Lisa. If it doesn’t involve a clown throwing a pie at someone it’s not funny...” said Homer.
Oscar and Clownja nodded.
The boring nerd continued reading.
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” said the comedian nerd adjusting his glasses.
“Dagnabbit! Throw a pie already!” Bart yelled.
“No bring on Jay Leno!” Homer yelled.
“Boys this is a professional comedian with subtle humour! He’s not gonna cheapen his act with pie throwing!” Marge sighed.
Oscar rung up the show. “Listen carefully. I have taken your wife hostage. If you don’t have a wife I’ve kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand.”
The nerdy guy who was constantly adjusting his glasses while reading a book nodded frightened.
“Now start telling funny jokes we can all laugh at and not elitist witty remarks only a small number of people get and start throwing pies, then maybe I’ll let your dog live... capiche?” Oscar continues his threat.
“Capiche.” the nerd gulped.
Oscar put down the living room phone.
The nerd then told a hackneyed and rude late night talk show joke full of smut and sexism.
“So this lady with large tits walks into a bar...” said the nerd.
Homer bursts into hysterical laughter.
Marge grumbled and sighs as the witty and clever comedy show descended into a barrage of smutty and sexist jokes.
The audience booed and some left.
Then came the pie throwing.
Oscar laughed as people threw pies at each other.
”Hmmmmmmm! I’d rather watch the news!” Marge said in a huff. She switched over to the news. The boys and Homer whined.
Kent was Anchor as usual on Channel Six.
"And they all died," Kent Brockman said with some laughter. "On a more somber note-,"
Oscar screamed and cried.
”Ugh.... Here we go again....” Homer groaned.
Laura Powers sat in her living room watching the Channel 6 news, with Kent Brockman. It was a lazy Saturday. Her friends all had plans, so she decided to pass the time in front of the boob tube.
Laura heard footsteps behind her, and saw her mother, dressed up in a leather jacket and sunglasses.
"Wow," said Laura, "since when did you join the Hell's Angels?"
"They offered me a one-month free trial," Ruth quipped. "Try and be responsible while I'm gone, OK?"
"Don't worry," Laura said with the wave of her hand, "when I throw that party I wasn't gonna tell you about, I'll make sure the beer and pot are distributed equally."
"Glad to see I'm raising you right," Ruth replied with a sly smile.
"Have fun with Mrs. S," replied Laura.
"I will," Ruth said, before stepping out the door. Laura briefly pulled her attention away from the TV to watch her mom pull out. She felt uneasy for some reason, seeing her mom in the new classic she somehow got. It looked vaguely familiar.
Her mind was taken away by the news report.
"Our top story at this hour," Brockman said , "stuffed animals. Adorable toy or secretly possessed by serial killers?"
Meanwhile at the Simpsons house. They were dealing with Oscar’s hysterical reactions to Kent’s nutty headlines. Kent really did bring out the worst in Oscar.
“Stuffed animals. Adorable toy or secretly possessed by serial killers?" asked a Kent reading his teleprompter.
Teddy, Oscar’s living teddy bear’s eyes glowed red and he pulled out a very sharp knife and lunged at Oscar.
Oscar screamed and fled, chased by Teddy the living teddy bear.
Homer groaned. “Godamnit Kent!” He yelled.
Marge is watching TV while knitting when her favourite programme is interrupted by a telethon ran by Betty White and Troy McClure asking for some money to be donated so the network can keep writing episodes.
“Hi I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such telefone sponsored shows as Edward the penitent!” Troy made reference to his previous movies and stints as an actor.
There was a clip of a man in the medieval times in a castle apologising to the king and holding his hand.
“I am really, really, really sorry your majesty.” said Edward the Penitent.
The evil bearded king angrily pulled away his hand. “I’m afraid sorry doesn’t quiet cut it Pope!” The evil bearded king scolded him.
Edward the Penitent gulped and made a Curly from Three Stooges sound.
”And Out with gout ‘86! And of course, Let’s save Tony Orlando’s house!” said Troy.
“And I’m dear sweet Betty White!” said Betty White in a gentle voice. (Just don’t owe PBS thousands of dollars!) The audience went “Aaaawwww!”
There is a guest panel of beloved celebrities. They include Bender the robot from Futurama, Hank Hill from King of the Hill and a guy who looks like he could be Gerald (from Hey Arnold!)'s father or his future self. Marge calls up and donates a small amount.
“I'd like to pledge $30.” said Marge donating thirty dollars.
“Oh, thank you. Marge, it's public TV. They never have anything good. Where are the Geraldos? Where are the Eubankses-ses?” Homer whined.
”Yes, quite so old bean. Simply a travesty!” said Chris Eubanks Sr wearing a three piece suit and holding a monocle to his eye and in his other hand a cup of tea.
”Shut the hell up!” Homer yelled at him.
Later Betty White comes to collect her money.
"Even the smallest donation means something Marge. You win two free tickets to the ballet!" Betty explained.
Marge gasped and collected her prize.
That evening she tells Homer the good news and asks for him to come with her. Homer agrees because he thinks the ballet involves a bear riding in a Shriner car at the circus.
“I love Ballet!” said Homer.
“You do?” Marge asked surprised.
“I love all the meats in our cultural stew... Mmmmm! Stew...” said Homer.
“Dad do you even know what ballet is?” Lisa asked.
“Sure I do!” said Homer. He imagines he is at the circus watching a bear drive about in a Shriner car. He laughs and sings “Doo doo doo! Doo doo, doo doo!” Aka the clown music.
When his day dream has ended he is still singing clown music.
Marge rolls her eyes.
There is someone at the back door of the living room. Marge answers it to find Ruth.
“Oh hi Ruth!” Marge greets her.
“Hi Marge! Do you have an industrial sander I could borrow?” Ruth asked.
“Homer.” Marge called out to Homer.
“No.” said Homer resting his feet on an industrial sander as it sanded the floor.
“Homer you’re resting your feet on one right now!” said Marge annoyed.
“Fine... but I want it back! It’s mine!” said Homer. The Sander was labelled “Property of Ned Flanders.”
However he later hears from Lisa in the kitchen what it actually is. A form of theatrical dancing with ladies in pink frilly tutus.
"Aaaaaaw! Are they comically fat women?" Homer asks.
"No!" Lisa is offended.
"There are male ballet dancers but they don't wear tutus. They wear black." Lisa explained.
"Awwwwwwww....!" Homer groans. However he already made a commitment to Marge.
“Homer you promised!” said Marge. “This isn’t something you can just back out of! Like that time you volunteered for a science experiment for the army just to avoid visiting my sisters!”
In a flashback Homer with hair still was about to have an injection in front of some army guys.
“Now Simpson this injection hs b known to cause baldness, hysterical laughter and loss of equilibrium! Are you sure you want to go along with this?” said the scientist.
“Yes now gimme the shot Doc!” said young Homer.
In the present.
“Yes I know dear!” said Homer. “I won’t let you down!” He suddenly fell over. “Oof!” Then he started laughing hysterically in a high pitched manner.
However one day at work the vending machines for crystal cola and candy eat his money.
"Hey! Give me my soda!" Homer sticks his arm up there to grab a stuck can and gets stuck! "My arm! It's stuck!" Should have waited till Treehouse of Horror X, Homer...
Homer then sticks his other arm in the candy machine. It get stuck too. "D'oh!"
Carl and Lenny laugh at him.
"Aaaaawww... I'm gonna be stuck like this forever..." Homer groaned. He imagines himself at Lisa's wedding with the vending machines that his arms are still stuck in.
"Wait! This could get me out of the stupid ballet!" Homer calls Marge somehow despite having his arms stuck in the machines and explains the bad news.
"Hrrrrrm!" Marge grumbles. She doesn't believe him, but Bart laughs over the phone.
Then men come to get Homer out of the machines. However they have some grim news. They'll have to amputate his arms.
"Aaaaaagh!" Homer screams. "Do you have to?"
The man is about to start the grim procedure. "Hang on! Are you just holding the can?" The man asks.
"Yes..." Homer replies embarrassed. Everyone laughs at him as he gives up his soda and candy and pulls his arms out. He goes home embarrassed with everyone still laughing at him.
At home waiting for Homer Marge grumbled. “Well Homer J Simpson, so that’s what your promises mean to you...” she said to herself sharply. Accepting she’d need to find someone else to take to the ballet.
“Would you two like to go to the ballet?” she asked Bart and Hugo.
(Snorts) “That's girl stuff.” said Bart rudely.
Comic Book Guy held up a sigh reading “Homer vs Patty and Selma.”
(Doorbell Rings) Marge calls are Ruth’s and asks if she would like to go to the ballet.
“Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools... along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya.” said Ruth taking her ticket.
“Mmm. Hey, wait! Ruth you don’t know what show it is!” said Marge. She sighed hoping Ruth wouldn’t back out on her like Homer did.
Homer tries to explain to Marge, but she doesn't want to know and says she's going to the ballet with their neighbor Ruth Powers.
At the ballet.
Classical music plays.
“Vyachepov's loins oughta be outlawed.” Ruth quipped as she watched the ballet.
(Giggling) Marge giggled, enjoying her company.
(Scoffs) “Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing.” Mr Burns sat in a private box with Smithers muttered as he watched the ballet.
”A little mincing would be nice.“ Smithers muttered. Eeeeeeewwww!
Homer has the night alone with the kids, who drive him nuts.
As he leaves work.
“Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?” asked Lenny.
”I can't. I have to look after my kids. And I have to do that sober.” said Homer.
”Okay your loss.” said Lenny.
Homer got home. Hugo got out and was running about like a dog. Homer growled frustrated.
Bart laughs at Homer's humiliating story at work. He has secretly recorded the whole story on his tape recorder.
“I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me.” Homer groaned feeling glum.
“Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers... and give you a makeover, Homina.” said Bart um, giving him a make over... Uh.... what the hell?!
Oscar winced. “Bart where are you going with this?”
Bart smirked while apparently giving Homer a makeover.
(High-pitched Voice) “Oh, that would be delight-“ (Normal Voice) “Quiet, boy.” said Homer doing a female voice before snapping at Bart. “There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a night out. Right, Lisa?”
“Sure, Dad.” said Lisa. (Imitates Whip Cracking)
”Garblblbl! Bleh! Grrrrrr! Alalalalack!” Hugo ranted in gibberish.
”Go to the attic!” Homer yelled at Hugo.
Hugo growled and headed off on all fours upstairs.
Marge goes to the ballet with Ruth and then to a cafe where they discuss their husbands. Ruth explains her ex-husband, Laura's father isn't paying his child support.
Marge is annoyed and supportive of her friend Ruth.
Also for hilarity. Because her name is Ruth Powers. Her ex husband was Austin Powers...
”Yeah baby! Yeah!” Austin Powers was at a seventies party disco.
At home, Homer and the kids have pizza.
”Cowabunga!” said Michelangelo the turtle and Bart.
Then they watched TV and talked.
”So kids how was school?” said Homer.
”All the girls are now ultra feminists and I’m not allowed to wolf whistle. Thanks to Lisa’s new doll...” Bart sighed.
”Bart whistling at a lady is rude!” said Lisa.
”I am expressing my heterosexuality! Avery Texan is allowed to express his homosexuality and hit on me! Why can’t I express my heterosexuality my way?!” Bart ranted.
Marge had a good night and tells Homer they'll be going out again.
”Is this Jacques all over again...”
“No Homer... it’s not Jacques again. But I am disappointed how convenient your incident where you got your arms stuck in the vending machines was...” Marge sighed.
The night this happens. After Marge goes out with Ruth Homer wants go out. But the kids need a babysitter.
However Bart convinces they don't.
"But Dad! Federal law states-" Lisa is being a know-it-all again so Oscar suddenly clamps his hand over her mouth and drags her away with Bart saluting him.
"Oscar, let her go!" Homer yells. There's a cartoon bite sound effect. Oscar yelps. "Lisa, don't bite people!"
“Lisa sweetie, have you never watched Home Alone? It’s taught us all that if some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.” said Homer being stupid.
”You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.“ said Bart feeling smug.
Homer had a brief moment of clarity, “Wait a second. Mmm. You do need a babysitter!“ he glared at Bart.
Oscar’s eyes glowed red and he took over Homer’s mind putting him in a trance.
”We absolutely do not need a babysitter...” Oscar rasped in an eerie manner channeling Dark Oscar’s powers.
”You kids don’t need a babysitter....” said Homer hypnotised.
”You can trust us...” said Oscar.
”I can trust you kids... I am going out now...” said Homer leaving the house.
Homer goes out and leaves the kids alone...
"Oh thanks, Oscar! I'm calling Mom!" Lisa yells. However the line is engaged. "Bart, get off the phone!"
Bart is on the other phone making a prank phone call to Moe.
"Is there an Amanda? Last name Hugandkiss?"
Moe cups the phone. "Hold on. Is there an Amanda? Amanda Hugandkiss? Hey everybody! I'm looking for Amanda Hugandkiss! (A man to hug and kiss!)"
Everyone laughs at Moe.
Moe realises he has been had. "You! When I find out whoever you are you little puke I'm gonna gut you like a fish and paint the bar with your blood!"
Bart laughs as the line cuts out and puts down the phone. Lisa comes in mad and storms off to her room.
"Look after the baby, Bart..." she says while storming off to her room.
"Cool! We're home alone!" Oscar says joyfully. "Now what?"
"Let's see..." Bart says with a smirk.
Elsewhere at Moe’s.
Moe had just angrily dealt with his prank caller when Homer arrived.
”Hey Homer.” said Moe.
Marge and Ruth go to a roughneck bar where a roughneck threatens Marge but relents when she sharply refuses his advances.
Yeah he acts tough then relents immediately. It’s funny.
They then shoot a farmer's collection of cans and go to a location where Marge made out with Homer when they were dating. She decides she loves Homer and wants to apologise to him. However Homer is watching them and is even more embarrassed to see them having fun.
Homer then bumps into Chief Wiggum who suggests they hang out together. Homer agrees and finds the police officer can be fun off duty.
However Wiggum spots that Ruth's car's tail light is broken. He pursues her and Marge.
Ruth initially stops for Wiggum before explaining to Marge that the car they're in is her ex husband's. She explains again about him stifling her child support so to get revenge she stole his car.
"Hmmmmm! Couldn't you have just reported him to social services?" Marge asked.
Ruth decides to run from the law and drives off with Marge.
Whaaaaaaa!" Marge yells as they speed off. Wiggum calls up all patrol cars and puts out a bounty on Ruth and Marge for evading a spot check.
Bart and Oscar are eating ice cream and have made a mess of the house. Lisa is in her nightie sitting in the corner catatonic. She could hear voices coming through the vent and from the attic. Hugo was crawling about the vents. However she wasn’t in hysterics from Hugo but from Bart and Oscar defying her.
Oscar went up to a vent opening near Lisa and opened it and passed a pot of Ben and Jerry’s and a spoon into it. Hugo took them.
Hugo growled a thank you in delighted growls.
”Hugo. Your da- I mean the monster has gone out. You can come out.” said Oscar.
Hugo poked his head out of the air vent He was exasperated with confusion. “He left you and my siblings on your own?!”
“You’re not gonna rat on us are you?” Oscar asked as satanic cultists were walking about the house in black robes.
”No... Lisa’s the responsible genius. I’m the mad genius... this mayhem amuses me....” Hugo smirked at chaos his twin was causing.
Lisa frowned at Hugo.
Laura and Ruth’s house.
Using the remote, Laura turned the channel over to Jerry Springer.
"Paul here would like to make a confession to his wife," Jerry said, pointing to a party clown with a silly disposition.
"I've been lying to you this whole-time honey," the clown said in a peppy voice. The clown removed his mask and colorful suit, revealing a frank and sober man.
"I am actually an insurance salesman," the former clown said in a very flat voice. The crowd started gasping and booing.
"Oh Jason," the faux-clown's wife said with grief, "I never knew."
"What you don't know could fill a warehouse," shouted a man from the audience. The fake clown threw his fake red nose at the man in the audience, knocking another man over, who jumped into the fight.
"JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!" the audience shouting, Laura watching with a manic smile and a clenched fist at the carnage. Coooool!
Meanwhile Oscar was also watching Jerry.
”Coooooool! Jerry! Jerry!” Oscar chanted.
”Nothing will top that huge fight between Santa and the KKK...” said Bart.
The time passed to two thirty in the morning. Laura woke up with a jolt, realizing she had fallen asleep in her chair in front of the TV.
"Oh God," Laura said with horror, standing up from her chair, "Mom must have known I overslept!" Laura noticed her Mom wasn't awake and timidly wandered over to the door to her Mom's bedroom, knocked slightly, and eventually discovered her Mom wasn't there.
She glanced over to the couch, and saw her mom wasn't sleeping there either.
She looked over the Simpson house.
Maybe she was so tired, she stayed with the Simpsons?
Laura nervously wandered over to the Simpsons' house, and knocked on the door. The door opened, and outstepped Bart.
"Hey Laura, what's happening," Bart said casually, in a smooth player voice.
"Did my mom stay at your house," Laura said, unusually stern in her questioning.
"No," Bart said, taken aback, rubbing the back of his head, "Our mom isn't home either."
"Can I talk to your dad?"
"Homer isn't home either," Bart said.
Laura's eyes narrowed in frustration.
"Then who the hell's watching you," Laura asked.
“No one.” said Bart shifty. “Oscar and I felt it would be funny to take advantage of my Dad’s stupidity... and well....” Bart let her in.
Laura’s jaw dropped at the carnage the Simpson house was in. There was garbage everywhere, a smashed vase, a goat running about and the front room’s curtains were on fire!
”Oooooh Bart...” Laura sighed tousling his spikes. Bart giggled.
Ruth drops Marge off.
"I'm sorry Marge. This doesn't involve you and it shouldn't. You can get a cab from this service station." Ruth explained. "Well, see ya soon. I hope."
However Marge got back in. Ruth was shocked by this. "Ruth. We're in this together. Like Thelma and Louise."
"Ace! I love that film!" Ruth and Marge drove off with the police in hot pursuit. However they came to a dead end as Wiggum had blocked off the road.
"Looks like this is the end of the road. Maybe we should surrender." Ruth sighed.
"No!" Marge grabbed the steering wheel and drove around the barrier blocking off the road. All the patrol cars smashed into each other. "Sorry." Marge said sheepishly as she returned the wheel to Ruth.
"Don't be! That was awesome Marge! I didn't know you had it in you!" Ruth replied.
Marge laughed nervously wandering what she was doing with her life.
Wiggum was still chasing them with Homer as his passenger.
"They're heading for that cliff!" Wiggum explained.
"No! My sweet Marge!" Homer screamed. He took a megaphone and called out to Marge begging her to stop and passionately explained he loved her.
Marge and Ruth are touched and stop. However Wiggum and Homer go off the cliff. Luckily they land on a giant pile of garbage belonging to Mrs McFulley. The mad old hag is still sitting outside her house laughing and holding a shotgun.
Ruth and Marge were arrested for resisting arrest and vehicle theft. They were charged for their counts. Marge was let off with a fine and took up smoking during the interrogation to look cool and rebellious.