Simpsons Fanon

Marge Gets Drunk. This time Marge gets drunk. Hilarity ensues with sturgeons falling out of the sky. And Bart becomes a magician.


The chalkboard gag is “The nurse is not dealing.”

We cut to Wendell at Lunch Lady Doris’s nurse room unwell again, as usual.

“I have these cute animal vitamins. The happy pink squirrel and the blue bird of unhappiness.” said Lunch Lady Doris.

Wendell groaned in agony.

Suddenly the FBI bursted in. “This is a drugs sting!” They arrested Lunch Lady Doris and confiscated her animal vitamins because they were ecstasy pills.

The couch gag is the Simpsons scuba diving to an underwater couch. The camera pans out to reveal they are in a cartoon fish bowl.


The episode starts with the Simpsons in Homer’s pink car driving to a magician night themed restaurant where every night is a magic act.

Homer pulls up and a valet offers to park it for him.

“Fine... but no joy riding...” said Homer giving the man his keys.

“Dad that’s a valet. They park your car for you...” said Bart.

“Hold on!” Homer stopped the valet from driving off. “There’s half a packet of mints and an Archie comic in the glove compartment! I’m counting!” said Homer. He then confiscated the octopus off his car keys before handing them to the valet. The valet drove off to park Homer’s car.

In the magic night themed restaurant the waiter was also a psychic called Questo.

“I am thinking you want... something cold and foaming... a tall frosty beer.” He pulled out a glass of beer for Homer.

“How did you know?” Homer asked. His belly bursted out of his shirt and flopped over the table slightly as a gag about his fatness.

“And for you ma’am... a Long Island ice tea.” said Questo.

Marge was impressed by the drink.

“Mom are you really gonna drink all that?” asked Lisa.

“Well I don’t want to offend Questo.” said Marge.

“If she doesn’t like my Long Island ice tea I will die!” Questo thought.

Marge tried it and liked the drink. “Mmmmm!”

Eventually she finished it and was a bit tipsy.

A man pulled a tiger out of his jacket.... um yeah..

“Mom you’re missing the show.” said Lisa.

“I ain’t missing anything...” said Marge.

Meanwhile Oscar was annoying Questo by demanding cider.

Questo explained it was a felony to serve a minor alcohol.

“I said cider...” Oscar was being petulant.

“Oh I thought you said a big hairy spider.” said Questo magically making a tarantula appear on his head.

“Eek! Oscar! The-the-there’s a spider on your head!” Lisa stammered. She’s afraid of spiders.

“Sssshh! I know! I’m trying to keep still as to not startle it! I had one in my hair before when Lee Jordon at Hogwarts put his tarantula in my hair as a prank...” said Oscar. Unfortunately the tarantula crawled down his back into his sweater. “Eeeeeeugh! Someone get it out please!” He squirmed.

Hugo retrieved the tarantula carefully not trying to hurt it. He smirked deciding it would make a good pet.

Then the show continued with a magician coming up next.

“Oscar you can’t leave! You’ll miss the act! It’s gonna be awesome!” said Bart.

“I wanted a cider. And since they won’t give me one I’m going out to rob a convenience store for some.” said Oscar loading his handgun and cocking it ready to fire.

Marge was too drunk to care.

“Someone be the parent...” Bart sighed.

“Nuh Uh. I’m the irresponsible one now...” said Homer.

Oscar left to rob a convenience store.

Sometime later a magician wanted a volunteer.

“I’ll do it...” Marge got up stumbling about drunk. “I always do it...”

Everyone cheered as she went on stage. Oscar by this point returned to the table the Simpsons were sat at. He was drinking a can of cider.

“And who may you be Ma’am?” the magician asked.

“Marge Simpson.” said Marge drunk.

“And who is that gentleman over there? Is that your husband?” asked the magician.

“No that’s my husband Homer. And he’s no gentleman.” said Marge.

The entire restaurant of patrons laughed.

Homer was mortified.

“Wow! Mom got a laugh!” said Lisa.

“Wow! I wish Mom was drunk everyday!” said Bart.

“Now Marge, the emperor of China is coming. And I am out of colourful scarfs.” said Diablo.

Winnie the Pooh coughed annoyed.

“Okay I know they’re a communist republic now! It’s an ancient emperor from a few hundred years ago...” said Diablo.

“Oh bother!” said Winnie the Pooh, President of China. Silly Pooh censorship...

Diablo continues explaining his trick.

“You talk too much. Abra kablabra! Ain’t I right folks?” Marge said drunk. Everyone cheered.

Marge talked too much while the magician was trying to explain his trick so he put a ball gag on her. Mmmmmmm! Sexual...

“And now my trick! The four guillotines!” said the magician making four guillotines appear.

Marge was put in them.

“Now relax Marge. You won’t feel a thing. In fact you’ll feel four things...” He put Marge in the guillotines. “Marge is...(He throws a sheet over her and pulls it off) no more!” The audience gasped and clapped.

Then monkeys appeared out from four wicker baskets put near the guillotines.

“She was made of monkeys! How could we not know?!” Homer was horrified.

“That was impressive!” said Lisa clapping.

“But where’s Mom?” Bart asked.

“Over here!” said Marge coming out of a giant banana peal. The audience cheered.

Then monkeys attacked her!

“Ahhhhh! Get away from me!” Marge did not like monkeys.

“Audience remain calm! This is not an act! I have no idea why the monkeys are doing this!” said the magician.

Marge continued to whine as the monkeys bothered her.


The Simpsons went to the gift shop. Bart wanted a magician’s kit. But it was pricey.

“Now we have to leave the gift shop.” said Homer only enter another part of the gift shop. “D’oh!”


The next part Bart got his magician set.

“You better like your magic set Boy...” Homer growled annoyed.

Marge had a headache from drinking. She groaned.

Then a sturgeon fell on the car. The Simpsons screamed and got out to survey the damage.

“A fish!” Homer gasped.

“Looks like a sturgeon.” said Lisa.

“Lalalalalala laaaa! I’m so drunk!” Marge sung while drunk.

“What Mom meant was that, where did that sturgeon cone from?” asked Bart wearing a top hat.

Up in outer space on Mir some Russian astronauts were yelling and fighting because because one of them jettisoned the sturgeon.

“I think we all know really where it came from...” said Oscar.

Up in Heaven God looked as if he had dropped something as he held his arms out. “Oops!” said God.

“Yeah sure Oscar...” Bart sighed.


Homer took his wrecked car to the garage ran by Raphael.

He checked the car and the fish.

“Well?” Homer asked.

“Well it’s gonna cost you. Especially a lot because this is an exotic fish...” said Raphael.

“Bart! Magic up some money!” said Homer as Bart was with him. Still wearing his top hat and cape.

“Well I am getting the hang of this magician tricks. said Bart. A cat popped out of his hat. It meowed.

Homer laughed. “He can’t breathe!”

“She Dad, she! said Bart corrected him. “Snowball II is a girl.”

Bart performed magic for Flanders retrieving money from him.

Flanders liked his trick.

“Flanders no leaving with out giving some money!” said Homer.

“I’m afraid not! I refuse to support the black arts.” said Flanders.

“The black arts?” Homer asked.

“Why yes! Magician acts fall under the same hat as witchcraft and voodoo etc.” said Ned.

Then Michael Jackson appeared with dummies attached to him and a frame so they could all move at once.

“Hey! That’s my spot!” said Micheal Jackson.

“Oops sorry fellas.” said Homer.

“Uh Dad there’s only one of them that’s real.” said Bart.

“But which one is a the real one?” asked Homer.

Michael Jackson rolled his eyes.

“And now this episode no longer exists... because MJ is in it... thanks for jumping on the guilty bandwagon Fox...” Oscar sighed.


“60 cents... I would have made more if I went into work today...” said Homer.

“50 cents would have been a funnier number.” said Oscar.

“Why...” Bart asked.

“Because 50 cent!” said Oscar bringing the rapper 50 cent on screen.

“Oz... there’s a monster energy drink logo over there. Go and leave us alone...” Bart frowned at his silly references.

“Woohoo! Monster energy drink!” Oscar cheered and went to buy Monster energy drinks.

“Anyway before Oscar interrupted. I’m kinda having to compete with TV and the internet Dad...” said Bart.

“Hey! I’ve been there for you!” Homer argued.

“You don’t even turn up to my little league baseball games!” Bart retorted.

“I told you! They’re boring!” said Homer.

“Hey I turn up to your interventions!” Bart yelled.

“Right that’s it! You can walk home!” Homer got in his car and drove off without Bart.

“Dad wait up!” Bart whined. “I can’t carry all this stuff on my own...” he said carrying his magic kit.

Bernice felt sorry for him and gave him money.

“Here’s the bus fare.”

Sideshow Mel felt sorry too.

“My father was a monster too.” Mel gave Bart money.

Then Micheal Jackson and his puppets felt sorry.

“Dig deep brothers.” Michael Jackson gave Bart lots of money.

“You know MJ, unlike Macaulay Caukin, I never believed for one second you were guilty of those horrible things.” said Bart.

Macaulay Caukin/Kevin McCallister glared at Bart.

”Yeah you keep believing the castle doctrine allows you to booby trap your house to injure intruders and that they won’t sue...” said Bart.

To be fair intruders shouldn’t be allowed to sue if they were hurt breaking and entering.

“Thank you Bart. Eeeeheeeee!” Michael Jackson left with his puppets.

Plot 2[]

Homer was driving home in a mood. “Stupid kid, can’t even afford a bus fare...”

A cab drove up next to him with Bart and Oscar inside.

“Dad! Look!” Bart had a top hat full of money. Homer gasped.

When he got home Homer found Bart in the kitchen with his top hat full of money eating a steak.

“A steak?” Homer asked.

“Yeah I found a little place...” said Bart. How did he get a take away steak?!

“How did you earn all this dough?!” Homer asked.

“Some people thought I was a charity case.” said Bart.

“Wow... hey next time could you look even more of a hopeless, sad child?” said Homer.

Bart ripped are his shirt and messed up his spikes. He gave Homer a sad pathetic look.

“Oh my god! You look just like Hugo!” Homer gasped.

Hugo gave him an odd look as he got a glass of orange juice before going upstairs.

“But Dad, wouldn’t this be con artistry...” said Bart.

“Yeah... but God conned me out of six hundred and fifty dollars in car repairs...” said Homer.

“Knew it!” said Oscar.

“Oz no! The sturgeon clearly fell from Mir!” Bart insisted.

“No it was God’s lunch...” said Oscar.

“Kids...” Homer groaned.

“So in theory we’ll be balancing out the universe...” said Bart.

“Just like Thanos...” said Homer. “I like that guy. There’s just something about him...” Homer in a comic panel stands beside a comic panel with a picture of Thanos in it.


In Bart’s treehouse Bart and Homer were planning to con and grift people. Of course it eventually backfired on them.

Their grifting involved frosting a cushion. Marge was now sober enough to question why they were frosting a cushion.

“Marge, have a Long Island ice tea...” Homer said not want to answer her inquisition of questions.

The con involved Bart wearing sunglasses pretending to be blind. He dropped a cake and cried saying it was for his "dying grandmother".

Homer then played a cruel, brutal father and threatened to send him to the acid mines. Coooool! The acid mines...

Kent was so sorry for Bart he gave him money and so did many others.

Then they got home and Lisa questioned them about their magic act.

Homer tried to lie that they performed lots of magic.

“But, left your magic kit right here...” said Lisa.

“Or so it would seem... woooooo!” said Bart doing a ghostly wail.

After Bart and Homer left.


“Mom, I’m sure they’re up to something.” said Lisa, while Hugo ate a bucket of fish heads.

“I’m just glad they’re hanging out as father and son.” said Marge.

“Mom is that a Long Island ice tea?” Lisa noticed Marge was suddenly holding a Long Island ice tea.

“Oh I suppose it is!” said Marge sipping it and getting drunk again. “You’re a pretty girl...” she said drunk and stroking Lisa’s face.

And cue Dark Simpsons taking this scene massively out of context and traumatizing everyone!


Bart was pretending to be looking for a dog while grifting. But Lisa, Hugo and Oscar arrived.

They saw him accept money from someone on the pier.

“Ah Ha! You’re both grifting!” Lisa accused them rightfully.

“So?” said Bart.

“What would Mom say if she saw you both conning people?!” Lisa scolded them.

“Well right now she wouldn’t care because she’s got into Long Island ice teas again...” said Bart.

In the background Marge danced about drunk on Long Island ice teas.

Lisa grumbled and rolled her eyes.

“Mom sober up! We need a responsible parent...” said Lisa annoyed at Marge.

“Okay I’ve had my fill of Long Islands.” said Marge. Lisa told her what Bart and Homer were doing. “Oooooh! Homer? Bart! Don’t you both know conning people is wrong? And highly illegal?!”

“Fine... what do you propose we do for the rest of the episode...?” said Bart.

‘Uh... develope your magic act as a kid magician like your supposed to...” said Lisa.

“Fine, but where does that leave The Great Simpsina?” said Bart.

“That story can still work.” said Oscar.


At home Bart and Homer were scolded by Marge in the kitchen while Lisa, Oscar and Hugo were upstairs.

“I can’t believe I did not see this coming earlier?!” Marge ranted pacing up and down.

“Maybe because you were blind drunk on Long islands...” said Bart.

“Okay fine? I’ll stop drinking! And you both must never, ever con people ever again! Understand?” asked Marge.

“Yes Mom...” said Bart and Homer.

“Good now I think Bart learning to be a magician is a far more wholesome storyline! And it’s cute!” said Marge.

Bart rolled his eyes.

He was suddenly in his room practicing magic.

“Abra kedabra!” He waved his magic wand from the Harry Potter like episodes when he is a wizard and tapped his top hat. He pulled out the Trix rabbit by his ears.

“Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!” said Bart smirking and stuffing the Trix rabbit back into his top hat. He then pulled out, the humane way an ordinary white rabbit. (By picking it up properly and not pulling it by its ears.)

“See? Isn’t this storyline a lot more you, than this naughty con artist thing where Matt has forgot you Simpsons can be pretty holier than thou, especially when Marge or Homer is telling you off for something really bad.” said Oscar.

“I thought you liked me being really bad and getting away with it.” said Bart.

“Not when you’re being so out of character... the real Bart would be horrified at conning people. And besides you don’t get away with it in canon. You and Homer get arrested and put on mock trail to guilt trip you both into owning up to conning people.” said Oscar.

“Well I suppose this is a lot more fun then...” said Bart performing magic tricks. He summoned some flowers.

“Yeah, kids love a magician character. Like Casey the cat from my Leap Pad Leap frog adventures electronic book computer. Or my teddy bear Teddy.” said Oscar.

Bart smirked. “Oz, a Leap Pad book computer by jumpstart is for babies...” he giggled.

“Which is why I am being a baby this episode...” said Oscar age regressing down to a baby. He was wearing a white diaper.

Bart winced.

“In my world cereal mascots are real. Cartoon animals do magician acts and it’s funny and cute. Bears have big shiny noses...” said Oscar as a baby.

Bart rolled his eyes.

Then Oscar annoyed him with his nauseating and sickly cute cartoon world, and Jumpstart’s. By visiting Casey the cat while she performed magic.

“Abra kedabra!” said Casey.

Bart looked mortified having to come to this sickly cute cartoon world as Baby Oscar read his Leap Pad computer book.

Then Teddy the cartoon teddy bear with a big wet shiny black nose was performing magic tricks while wearing a shiny black cartoon top hat and a cape as he waved a magic wand about.

Then Baby Oscar barfed in his top hat.

“Eeeeeew!” Teddy groaned. “Can’t you let me do cute magic shows or cabaret acts with out being gross or obnoxious?”

“No... I just super glued the stage while those hippo ballerinas are dancing...” said Oscar. We pan over to colorful cartoon hippos in pastel colours like pinks, yellows, baby blues and purples wearing tutus and leotards grunting as they struggled and tugged in a puddle of sticky and slimy cartoon glue.

Baby Oscar blushed and peed himself.

“Oz this place is lame! I’m going home!” said Bart.


Marge went to AA. Homer had to go too because his problem with drinking was a reoccurring thing.

Homer however was in denial about his drinking problem the whole time.

“I don’t have a problem with my drinking! Other people have a problem with my drinking!” said Homer.

Marge sighed.

Next was Flanders. He had got drunk on blackberry schnapps again and called Ann Landers a boring old biddy again.

“I’m a monster!” Ned cried and sobbed loudly as Lovejoy comforted him.

Marge then opened up about her recent addiction of Long Island ice teas. “I was so wasted I don’t remember our family night out to a magic show themed restaurant! I said weird things to my daughter Lisa and some YouTube channel called Dark Simpsons took it massively out of context!” Marge shivered in disgust thinking about it.

“When I’m drunk Gloria hates me.” said John. The guy who calls his wife Queen of the Harpies.


At the Simpsons house. It is raining sturgeons.

“Oh dear... Oscar made it rain Sturgeons...” Lisa sighed as sturgeons rained out of the sky and fell on things such as cars, damaging them.

“Hugo is going to be very happy today!” Bart sighed as Hugo ran out screaming with delight and collecting sturgeons to eat.

“Anyway where is Oscar?” Lisa asked.

“In his cartoon world having his diapers changed by the Cookie Crisp Wolf....” said Bart. “Personally I don’t really care, as long as I’m not in that lame cartoon world...”


Marge took Bart to magician school. His tutor was the magician from the restaurant, Diablo.

“Welcome! I am Diablo.” said Diablo. Bart grew bored of his talking and yakking.

“You talk too much, abraca blab-ra. Am I right folks?” said Bart. A studio audience laughed.

“Hmmmmm... My son is already an accomplished wizard. He just wants to learn illusionary and sleight of hand magic.”

“Ah yes. I’ll start small with party tricks such as pulling rabbits out of hats.” said Diablo.

Bart groaned.

Meanwhile Homer was trying to teach Bart to grift.

“There’s all sorts of cons in here Dad! The pigeon drop, the ear wigger, the..” said Bart.

“Are there any father and son grifting tricks?” Homer asked.

“Why yes! There’s the Albany ham scam!” said Bart.

“Will those hams be steamed young Simpson?” Skinner asked climbing up to his treehouse entrance.

“No Skinner...” Bart sighed.

“Skiiiiiinnnner!” Super intendant yelled.

“Oh! Coming right away sir!” said Skinner.

Once again at the pier Bart and Homer were performing tricks and some grifting.

Bart performed for Ned.

“Hey! Pony up Flanders!” Homer demanded he pay Bart for his magic tricks.

“Oh I can’t possibly support the black arts!” said Ned.

“Uh?” Bart and Homer even more confused than they were earlier.

Ned sighed. “Magic acts, fortune telling, Oriental cooking.”

Bart made a face when he said Oriental cooking. What is his problem with chow mien and prawn balls?! Bart’s Brain said to himself.

Soon it was time to go home with their ill gotten money.

“Wow! Look at all this dough! What should we buy first?” Bart asked.

“Why a rubber singing fish of course!” said Homer.

Homer bought a singing Billy Big mouth Bass. He set it on the lounge wall and turned it on.

The rubber fish sung “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Homer and Oscar danced to it.

“No!” yelled Bart annoyed.

Plot 3[]

Bart was thinking of getting out of grifting because the car repairs were paid off. But Homer explained without actually explaining anything that he had a few people who owned him.

“What could they possibly owe you that you need to con them?! I don’t mind balancing out the universe but I am not continuing to grift just because you want to...” said Bart.

Then Gramps somehow got wind of them grifting and revealed he too was a grifter and chastised Bart for giving up.

“You had to grift and befuddle! ‘Twas the Great Depression. Only way to survive was grifting!” said Grampa. Abe even revealed he wrote the book on grifting and con artistry they were reading.

“He’s right!” Homer saw that the author of the book was his dad! Abraham Simpson!

“Now as I recall when I met Jackie Gleason...” Abe went off on a tangent.

“One of these days Abe! One of these days! Bam! Straight to the moon!” said Jackie Gleason in the Honeymooners for some reason to Abraham Simpson.

“Gramps no!” Bart whined about him doing cutaways.

They were on the pier grifting again. Bart dropped a cake. That was actually a cushion covered in frosting.

“Oh no! My bar mitzvah cake! Oy! Now I’ll never be a man!” Bart wearing a yarmulke/skull cap whined.

“Waste not, want not.” said Jurkle picking up the smooshed bar mitzvah cake from the wooden, barnacle covered and seagull poop splattered decks of the pier and took it.

“Jurkle...” Bart sighed.

“What?” said Jurkle, Oscar’s Jewish friend.

“Never mind....” Bart sighed. he wasn’t sure he should tell Jurkle it was just a cushion covered in frosting. Plus he didn’t need to take the cushion back home, did he?

Grampa bumped into Jackie Gleason.

“Jackie Gleason! You’re still wearing the uniform!” said Abraham acting like a fanboy.

“Pow! Right in the kisser!” said Jackie Gleason.

“And you’re still making remarks about hitting your onscreen spouse Alice...” said Abe admiring him.

Bart was looking in his magic top hat and it splashed water over him. Oscar laughed. Bart frowned and tried to pour out the hat’s magic contents from whatever dimension they came from. Out from the hat poured a white bunny rabbit that scampered about near Bart, a flock of white doves, a bouquet of flowers and a deck of playing cards in a messy heap of cards.

“That looks fun! can I play?” Grampa asked him.

“Sorry Gramps, the set says aged eight to eighty.” said Bart.

“Ooooh!” Grampa groaned.


The Marge made Bart stay away from the pier and Homer and Grampa to be more wholesome and law abiding. “You’re just in time for Ralph’s birthday party!” said Marge.

Bart was mortified he was entertainment for Ralph’s birthday party.

Some consolation to Bart as that his friend Milhouse was also entertaining as a magician. Bart laughed because all his stuff was home made. Even his top hat was made of black card paper from an art class.

“And I suppose your top hat is authentic...” said Milhouse annoyed.

“Yup! It’s an authentic magician’s magical top hat!” said Bart taking it off to politely bow. He had a white bunny rabbit on his head that was under the hat when he was wearing it.

Milhouse sighed.

Milhouse’s trick was, the Schrödinger’s cat. But as he tried to put a screeching Snowball II in a box she screeched and clung to his face with her claws and another identical black cat bursted from the box screeching and yowling.

Bart grimaced feeling sorry for him.

Bart expertly took a white bunny from his hat. He grimaced because Ralph asked to pet the bunny. Then Bart summoned doves, they flew about until he commanded them to lan on their perch. Then he summoned flowers, then he did card tricks while shuffling cards expertly.

Grampa tried to shuffle the cards but they fell over.

“It’s okay Abe. These cards are made too slippery for seniors to shuffle.... whoaaaa! Ooooooh! Oh my!” Marge explains taking the cards and tidying up but she expertly shuffled them by accident. Everyone cheered as she shuffled the cards.

Then Bart turned his wand into a dancing cane. “Uh no. I am not doing a cabaret act...” said Bart. He turned the cane back into a wand.

Teddy, Oscar’s shiny nosed cartoon teddy bear creature sighed while dressed as Fred Astaire. Wearing a shiny black top hat, a flapping dicky shirt front and a dinner suit with coat tails holding a dancing cane.

Baby Oscar took his top hat and puked green vomit into it.

Teddy groaned in disgust. Baby Oscar then stuffed it on his head. The vomit inside slowly dripped down his neck.

Hugo was running on fours like a feral dog.

”Cut someone in half!” Nelson heckled.

”Uh no.... I tried to actually do that with Milhouse and he had to go to hospital to get stitches...” said Bart.

Homer stormed into the children’s birthday party, erm Ralph’s like I said earlier.

”Stop filling my son’s head with morals! He’s needed to grift up some money to pay my gambling debts!”

”Stop teaching our son to grift and coming people! It’s so unsavoury!” Marge snapped. “Besides I think Bart’s magician kit is a wholesome and cute hobby!”

”I wouldn’t exactly say Wholesome Marge...” said Ned frowning.

””Shut up Flanders. And go drink some more Long islands Marge! You’re more fun drunk!” Homer snapped.