Magnum Pi pronounced Magnum Pie. There is a heat wave in Springfield and Homer overloading the already overloaded electricity by plugging in a dancing Santa causes a power cut. People loot during the black out so Homer buys a gun. Marge tries to be her righteous self but Oscar shuts her down explaining he has an armoury/gun room and intends to keep it so she tells him to go off and hang out with Charlton Heston, and his league. Which he does at NRA meetings.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The chalkboard gag is Peter Griffin being made to write “everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story”
“No! No! That story is hilarious and I will continue to annoy Richard Gere over his perverse obsession with sticking gerbils up his butt!” Peter yelled.
The couch gag is the couch is a water trough and Simpsons run in with their butts on fire and sit in the water sighing with relief as the water hisses from the flames being snuffed out.
The sun is very bright one morning as there is a powerful heatwave.
Hans Moleman comes outside sweating. “Well Mr Sun! You certainly are doing your job today!” said Moleman. He fiddled with his glasses adjusting how they rested on his face. However this magnified the sun light into lasers and he set himself on fire!
“Oh dear...” said Moleman burning.
The sun wearing sunglasses slurped on a carton of orange juice nonchalantly.
At Evergreen Terrace the sun rose as Morning Song played.
Meanwhile at the Simpsons house a racist sunflower grew but the sun’s immense heat ignited and burnt it to ashes. Then a newspaper landed on the door step but the heat was so great it melted the ink off of its pages. Then a butterfly caught on fire and screamed.
In his bedroom, Bart has slept in his tightly whites/briefs outside the covers because it was so hot last night. His Krusty alarm clock went off.
“(Krusty laughing repeatedly)”
Bart groaned and exhausted from the heat hit the the snooze button. But the heat melted his alarm clock.
“Oh lalala!” said Salvador Dali inspired by his melting alarm clock to paint melting clocks.
Meanwhile in the spare bedroom Oscar laid awake with bloodshot eyes as monsters and demons swam along the walls and ceiling making unearthly wails. The heat was making him hallucinate.
In the master bedroom Homer got up tired but irritated by the heat. But could not find Marge. “Marge? Where are you?”
“Behind you!” said Marge stuck to his back by the heat. Eeeeew!
Marge grabbed the bed and they pried themselves off from each other.
At Springfield elementary students were going in just to keep cool. Willie was maintaining a big Therminator air conditioner on the roof. It had several settings such as Glasgow winter, well digger’s bum and witch’s teat...
“My! Edna! This air conditioner is better than any truant officer! We’re getting students we haven’t seen in years.” said Skinner.
Jughead from Archie comics arrived followed by Fat Albert going “Hey hey hey!” And Fonzie.
“Ay! Mrs K!” said Fonzie.
“Ohohoho! Arthur...” said Mrs Krabappel to Fonzie.
However the Simpsons for some odd reason decided it was far to hot to go to school or work.
Homer instead set up a tent in the fridge with Bart to keep cool. They rubbed themselves with frozen peas while they sat in the tent in their underwear.
Marge arrived. “Hmmmmm, I don’t think you should be doing that with the refrigerator.”
“Come in Marge it’s nice and cool in here...” said Homer. Marge, Lisa and Maggie joined them.
“Oooooh! You’re right! It feels much better in here!” said Marge feeling much more comfortable.
“You might say it’s cool...” said Homer.
Maggie wearing just a diaper crawled on a red jello dessert and went to sleep. Bart just stared at her.
“Won’t this overload the motor?” Marge asked.
The refrigerator malfunctioned and cut out.
“Oh thanks Marge...” Homer groaned at her jinxing it. “Can you put the oven onto cold?”
No because that’s silly.
Bart and Lisa sat in the front lounge in their underwear.
“Ice cream! Ice cream!” A man called.
Lisa ran out, Bart tried to follow but his sweat stuck him to the green armchair. Eeeeew! He grunted as he struggled until he tore himself free of the armchair.
However... “I am all out of ice cream! It’s true!” said the ice cream man out of ice cream.
Bart and Lisa sighed.
Then another truck passed. “Chilli! Texas hot chilli! Ginger beer! Fiery ginger beer!” said the driver.
“Eeeeeeew!” said Bart and Lisa.
“You two should know better. Especially you Lisa, that cold food does not cool you down very well. In fact spicy food that encourages you to sweat is more effective.” said Hugo wearing Bermuda swimming trunks and nothing else because of the heat. “That’s why some cultures like Mexicans eat spicy food to sweat and cool down. And that’s why I’m getting some chilli.”
Hugo went off with some money to buy some chilli.
“He’s right Bart. Scientifically spicy foods are more effective at cooling down!” said Lisa.
“Then why are you not joining him?” Bart asked her.
“Because I don’t like spicy food...” said Lisa.
Meanwhile from the Therminator air conditioner on the school, lots of lightning bolts ran along the power lines and cane from the number power plant.
“Oh no you don’t!” said Mr Burns scolding the lightning bolts as they left the plant. “Get back here at once! I command you!”
“Sir the electricity won’t listen to you...” said Smithers.
Meanwhile at the Springfield morgue. Dr Hibbert came in that day and pulled a sheet off three corpses while saying, “tsk tsk... it’s always the old folks...” but they were not lifeless bodies. They were sleeping old folks. “Okay you old timers! Get up and outta here...”
“Ooooooh! But the old folks home is too hot...” Abe whined as he got up and left with Jasper and. Crazy old Jewish man.
Hans Moleman followed them but Hibbert stopped him.
“Oh don’t you go to far old timer! Ahehehehe!” said Hibbert.
“Mwuhahahaha!” The grim reaper laughed while holding his scythe.
At the nuclear power plant Mayor Quimby arrived. The lightning bolts travelling along the power lines were power surges from air conditioning and fans.
“Monty, can your plant handle this extra demand for electricity?” Quimby asked.
“Of course! As long as you up the taxes! Mwuhahahaha!” said Mr Burns.
At the Simpsons house, the Simpsons sat in their underwear, Maggie and Oscar in diapers and Hugo in his swimming trunks were sat on the couch with a rotating fan cooling them down, or at least trying to.
“I know what will cool us down! A touch of winter!” said Homer. He got out a dancing Santa and was about to plug it in.
“No Dad! The power socket is already overloaded! One more device will use up all the town’s power!” said Lisa.
“But if I don’t the environmentalists win...” Homer groaned. He plugged Santa in.
“Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle bell rock!” Santa sung until he powered down. Then the fan shut off and the lights went out...
“Jingle what? Jingle what?” Homer asked Santa desperately.
“Dad it’s a black out...” Lisa explained.
“Ooooooh! Why is it that every time Santa and I hang out, it’s a disaster...” Homer groaned.
We here everyone react to their businesses or homes losing power as the blackout spreads.
Lenny and Carl were driving at night with no street lights while chatting on their cell phones. They of course crash into each other and the front window of a shop.
“The alarm didn’t go off!” said Carl. Well duh! It’s a power cut...
“Let’s loot!” said Lenny. They looted.
The Simpsons were worried as everyone was causing trouble again.
“Homer I don’t feel safe! Do something!” said Marge.
“Our burglar alarm will keep us safe!” said Homer.
The burglar alarm was a Rube Goldberg device attached to the front door with a goldfish bowl with a single goldfish swimming about in it. Someone tried to get in.
The Simpsons gasped.
“Shhhhh! Watch the fish!” said Homer.
A hand reached into the letter box and snatched the goldfish.
“How did that help?! Now our pet goldfish is gone!” Marge yelled. “Get us some protection!”
“Fine...” said Homer.
Homer went to a gun store ran by a Raphael clone.
“I would like a gun please.” said Homer.
“We have all kinds of guns! Which kind Pally?” Raphael asked.
“Um oh I just want a gun. I’ll have that black handgun.” said Homer.
“Excellent choice Pally! It is highly customisable! Here is its holster, its silencer/suppressor, its louderer and this thing,” Raphael attaches a huge white cylindrical gadget to the pistol’s muzzle. “This shoots down police helicopters.”
“Wooooow!” said Homer. “Hey look! I’m holding it rapper style!” Homer held the gun sideways like a rapper would.
“Easy their pally! Now I can’t let you walk out of here with that without you filling in a psychological assessment!” said Raphael.
“But I want it!” Homer whined.
“Uh no.” said Raphael.
They tugged on the gun until Raphael got it.
“Grrrr! If I had my gun right now, I’d shoot you!” Homer said in a tantrum.
“Well you don’t pally...” said Raphael.
“I’ll handle this Homer...” said Oscar.
“Ah Oscar, what can I do for you today?” said Raphael. Oscar was a regular customer.
“I’ll have one SPAS-12 shotgun.
Raphael gave him a SPAS-12 shotgun, or those cool ones from zombie apocalypse movies to get the feel of.
“An Uzi nine millimetre.” said Oscar.
“You know your guns kid.” said Raphael. Homer gave the fourth wall a confused look. Yes a kid is buying guns Homer...
“A plasma rifle in the forty watt range.” said Oscar.
“It’s just what you see Pally...” said Raphael.
“Okay a handgun with a laser sight.”
“Just shoot where the red dot is. Can’t miss.” said Raphael.
“Now you have to fill in these psychological forms... Hey! You can’t do that!” said Raphael as Oscar loaded up the SPAS with cartridges and cocked it with the pump thingy that makes that cool sound.
“Wrong.” said Oscar shooting Raphael dead in one blast.
“Oh my god! You killed him!” Homer screamed.
“Yeah, are you gonna lecture me about it or are you gonna take your hand gun?” Oscar asked him.
“Woo hoo!” Homer took his hand gun and bullets.
Oscar shrugged his shoulders and took some shotgun cartridge and 9mm bullets.
Instead of being miserable watching things he wanted to shoot go past. Homer started the day scaring Flanders.
“Hi diddly- Yaaaaaaaah!” Ned Flanders said hi but screamed when Homer pointed his gun at him and ran off.
Patty and Selma in their green car pulled up.
“Keep driving...” said Homer pointing his gun at them.
They drove off frightened.
The James Bouvier was there because Erik said so.
”Homer you are a fat slovenly waste of-Aaaaaaaagh!” James ran off when Homer pointed a gun at him.
Bart made three headed gophers and Homer shot them.
Then Homer shot a duck.
“Dad!” Lisa whined. Then she realised. “Oh my god! Mooooom!”
Then Bart threw plates and Homer shot them as if they were clay pigeons.
Plot 2[edit | edit source]
In the lounge.
“Homer! Did you buy a gun and destroy all my fine china?” Marge told Homer off.
“You said get something to protect us...” said Homer.
“I meant install some mortis locks! I don’t like guns! I don’t want that thing in the house!” said Marge.
“Well tough! As an American I am exercising my right to the second amendment! To keep and bare arms!”
“I prefer the other second amendment. To have bear arms...” said Hugo being stupid for the sake of mad science. He had grizzly bear arms.
“Shut up boy...” said Homer.
“Dad that amendment is a relic from the war of independence! It has no use in today’s society!” said Lisa.
“Oh really?! The king of England could come waltzing in here any moment and start pushing you around! You want that huh? The king poking you? Huh!” said Homer poking Lisa.
“Ow! Dad! Quit it!” Lisa whined.
“NRA! NRA! NRA!” Oscar cheered repeatedly.
“Enough! Homer you’re more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight!” Marge yelled.
There was a cutaway of Homer feeding a mogwai at midnight. It turned into Fran Dreschner.
“Hello, I’m Fran Dreschner! Nahahahahaha!”
“Aaaaaagh! Kill it! Kill it!” Homer screamed.
Homer shoves Fran Dreschner into the microwave and cooked her head until it exploded.
”Homer...” Marge seethed.
”Marge a gun is a very important tool. Like a face mask in the year 2020.” said Oscar.
Marge grumbled and seethed annoyed.
“Marge I bought this gun and I’m keeping it!” said Homer.
“And I’m keeping mine. All, well I must have at least five hundred guns by now.” said Oscar.
“Fine! Why don’t you both just go to the NRA and hang around with Charlton Heaston? And his league...” said Marge annoyed.
“Fine, you damn dirty apes!” said Oscar.
“Are you gonna do Planet of the Apes references while we’re at the NRA Oz...” Homer sighed.
“If Charlton Heston is there...” Oscar replied.
Things got worse when Bart found Homer’s hand gun in the salad draw and wanted to shoot an apple off Milhouse’s head.
Bart is in the fridge which is amusingly very tall to him as he is climbing trying to reach a top shelf inside. “Ugh! I can’t find any!”
”Bart you said there would be fudgeicles!” said Milhouse. Pronouncing fudgesicles wrong.
”first up, it’s pronounced fudge sickle. And secondly I know they’re up there. I just need a better foot hold.” said Bart pulling out the salad drawer. There was a black handgun in there. “Coooool!”
Everyone finds Milhouse with an apple on his head like William Tell’s son and Bart aiming a hand gun at him.
“Yeah sure hypocrite... you can shoot an apple, but I can’t shoot a few birds, or people...” said Oscar.
Marge confiscated the handgun from Bart.
“Nobody shoots anything in this house!” Marge yelled. “Homer put this somewhere more secure...”
“I didn’t think he’d look in the salad draw...” Homer groaned.
Homer has to educate everyone so Bart would stop touching his gun and Marge and Lisa would shut up.
“Look as long as the safety catch is on it can’t hurt anyone.” said Homer. The gun misfired and knocked a knife so it went flying and stuck in a photo of Marge’s face.
“Uh....” Marge was shocked.
“No offence mom but that was pretty cool.” said Lisa. Yes Lisa according to Wikiquotes...
At the NRA where Moe, Agnes and Barney and others attended. Much to Oscar’s joy Charlton Heston turned up, with his league.
“Get your stinking paws off me! You damn dirty apes!” Oscar did Charlton Heston impressions!
Charlton Heston sighed. “Are we gonna do this all night?”
“If the dollar fits...” said Oscar smirking.
The NRA members then practiced shooting at a shooting range. Oscar smirking because Ruth was there, recorded Ruth on his mobile and annoyed Marge by sending her the recording. Marge was annoyed because it reminded her of Marge on the Lam when Ruth showed her how to use a gun.
“D’oh! He has me there!” said Marge.
“He had me when I was trying to shoot an apple off of Milhouse’s head! So?” Bart replied.
“Uh what happened with the heatwave?” Hugo asked.
“It’s still sweltering during the day Hugo. I’m going for a swim.” said Lisa. “Man the Sun Baby is mad...”
The Sun Baby from Teletubbies screamed and cried as its wrathful heat baked the Earth.
At NRA they discussed the rules such as not turning your gun on someone.
“Except Mr Burns. He should count only as a rabid Dog. Shoot him as much as you like.” said Oscar.
Everyone nodded and agreed that Mr Burns would not be afforded the same protection as a fellow human being.
Then they had to go around admitting bad things they did that they weren’t proud of.
“Some gun store owner wouldn’t let Homer have his first piece without doing a psyche report so I blasted him away. The day I have to do a psyche report is the day they give mad scientists a waiting period on doomsday devices.” said Oscar.
“Amen brother.” said a guy that sounded like Hulk Hogan as a stereotypical southern bear hunter. “I don’t go anywhere with out this!” He held a vial of purple liquid. “Mutated anthrax! For duck hunting!” Uh that is overkill...
At home the Simpsons eventually made up over their argument as to whether Homer should have a gun or not. They were watching TV together when a soccer commercial came on. With soccer balls with pentagons on them...
“It’s soccer! Yeehaaaaw! a cowboy cheered shoving a flaming soccer ball into the screen.
Oscar was immediately transfixed by the soccer balls in the commercial. The commercial was for a soccer cup that was going on showing players playing soccer and a soccer player leapt high in the sky to high five a helicopter pilot and then land in a jacuzzi. Fireworks then exploded.
“Dad, how comes you’ve never taken us to a soccer game?” Bart asked Homer.
“I don’t know!” said Homer wondering why he never had.
“Haaaaauuuuww! Spotty! Haaaaaauuuww!” Oscar squealed at the TV because of the soccer balls with pentagons on them triggered his Aspergers.
“That’s probably why...” said Lisa sighing.
”Haaaaauuuuw...” Oscar squealed.
The commercial said they’d see such players as several Hispanic players with unpronounceable names no one has ever heard of. such as Araiga and Araiga II.
“No TV...” Oscar frowned quickly dialling on his mobile the office phone of the guy narrating the commercial. The guy was obviously being threatened by Oscar as he quickly named Hispanic soccer players people had heard of.
“I have your wife hostage. If you don’t have a wife I have your brother. Now do you get me? There are plenty of well known Hispanic soccer players so say them and I won’t kill your dog. Capiche?” said Oscar threatening the TV Announcer.
“I Uh mean, such stars as Pele! Messi! Ronaldinho!” said the commercial guy.
“That’s much better...” said Oscar.
“Oscar go back to squealing at the soccer balls...” said Bart.
The commercial voice over guy then said the point of the commercial. There was to be a soccer game between Brazil and Portugal. Who cares they both utterly dominate the World Cup and make mincemeat of England...
“Can we go Dad? Can we go Dad?” Bart, Hugo and Lisa strangely wanted to see a soccer game between Brazil and Portugal.
“All the players will be signing autographs!” said the voice over.
“Yes! Oh yes! Yes kids right away!” said Homer.
“Now just wait a minute!” said Marge.
“One I am still mad at you for bringing a gun into this house! And two you know what Oscar is like if he sees a soccer ball with pentagons on it!” said Marge.
“Haaaaaauuuuuuwww! Spotted ball!” Oscar squealed staring at the TV.
“So, we’ll just stop off at the chemist, buy some Ritalin and pour it down his throat and that’ll keep him quiet for a few hours...” said Homer.
“No! You are not turning me into a zombie with those brainwashing pills just because you don’t like my behaviour and autism that makes me, me!” Oscar yelled.
“Oscar’s right. Everyone is special in their own way!” said Lisa.
“In Oscar’s case he is very special...” Bart sighed.
At the soccer stadium. The Simpsons took their seats.
“Oh! I’ll kill my self if Portugal doesn’t win!” Homer groaned. He’s just like my dad and many others. Will watch any soccer game rooting for one of the teams, even if it isn’t their home country or club just because there’s a game on...
“That’s Dads for ya narrator!” said Bart.
“I can’t believe this used to be an internment camp.” said Marge. (A forced labour or death camp!)
“Yo paella guy! Wing one up here!” yelled Homer to the snacks cart man. Because for some silly reason that Hispanic teams are playing, instead of a hotdog vendor, there is a paella vendor.
“Make that two!” said Hugo.
“Aqui esta!” said the paella vendor passing up two bowls of paella. One to Homer and one to Hugo.
A paella is rice and tomato and peppers with chicken and seafood. Some of the fancier ones, or the tastiest had it not be for my dislike of rice, are the ones with half a lobster on them.
“Hey look! It’s Pelé!” said Lisa as Pelé was on the field.
Then the players were too professional and boring. This bored Kent so they got that very loud over excited Hispanic football commentator to commentate. He yelled over excited by the game.
And the episode would come full circle with another riot if it weren’t for one thing, the Virgin Mary herself coming to life to beat the holy snot out of the rioters.
The Simpsons winced as Mary, the mother of Jesus broke off of her pedestal and ran up to some Springfielders rioting in the stands out of boredom.
“And the Virgin Mary herself has sprung to life to deal with the rioters!” said the commentator.
”Homer come on... let’s go....” Marge winced as Mary, mother of Jesus beats the crap out of everyone.
”Oh... but I want to start a fight...” Homer groaned. He broke a chair over one of Willie’s Scottish friends.
“Jobbers cobknots! Ya mucker! Have some!” Willie’s mates yell and turn on Homer.
Homer screams and flees.
A day later Homer went to the Kwik e mart. Apu was frightened because Homer had his gun with him.
“Please Mr Homer! Don’t shoot! Take anything you want!” said Apu with his hands up.
“Hmmmmm, I wonder what would happen if I robbed the Kwik e mart...” Homer asked himself out loud. He imagined Marge in a bikini go go dancing while he sat wearing a fancy suit and top hat with a monocle on his eye. And they were also fabulously rich and living in a mansion.
The dream ended with Homer driving off eating a hotdog. “Hmmmmm, maybe next time...” said Homer eating his hotdog.
At home it was dinner time. Homer had his handgun at the table.
“Homer! What did I just say at breakfast? No guns at the table!” Marge yelled as Homer had his handgun resting on a side plate.
“That was at the breakfast table.” said Homer.
“It’s the same table!” Marge yelled.
“No it’s not! Tonight we’re eating in the dining room!” Homer retorted. They were at the dining room table.
Marge went Hmmmmmmmm!
“Awwwww! But Oscar gets to have his guns...” Homer whined.
Oscar was polishing a SPAS-12 shotgun with several hand guns and six shooters piled up in front of him.
“Oscar no guns at the table!” Marge told him off.
“Yeah Oz...” said Lisa frowning at him.
“You be quiet or I shall pistol whip you!” Oscar yelled. Smacking someone with a gun basically.
“Mmmmmmm! Pistol whip...” Homer moaned with joy. He imagined he was eating cool whip by scooping it out with his handgun and licking it off of the gun. Then Stewie Griffin was in his dream and he scribbled with a red pen over the logo Cool Whip to say in red pen, “Cool Hwip.” He then ran away laughing.
Marge and Lisa went Hmmmmmmmmm.... and sighed.
Plot 3[edit | edit source]
Marge was trying to explain to Homer she didn’t like weapons in the house.
“Sorry Homer, but no weapons.” said Marge.
“But Marge it’s not a weapon it’s a tool! Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon or uh an alligator.” said Homer.
“I resent that alligator!” Oscar yelled meaning to say I resent that allegation!
“How dare you! That alligator did nothing wrong except eat a little boy at Disney World!” Bart yelled at Oscar.
“Homer get rid of that gun or I’ll!” Marge warned.
”You’ll do no such thing and you’ll love and respect you husband’s Republicanism! You! You... You Democrat!” Oscar ranted.
Marge sighed. “Homer even though second amendment entitles you to have a gun. It doesn’t mean get a gun...” Marge sighed.
Homer was opening the garage one late morning.
“Dad can you get my basketball down?” Bart asked.
Homer pulled out his gun and shot the basketball. It flew around as air was forced out through the puncture and it landed deflated on the floor.
“Uh nice going Dad...” Bart sighed.
“Would you like me to get the cat down too?” Homer asked.
“Uh... no.” said Bart.
Oscar was in the spare bedroom with dartboards of people he hated like Skinner, Sideshow Bob, blue haired lawyer, Mr Burns and uh Marge for some reason. He was spinning his pistols about and firing at the dartboards.