Lisaitis At the mall one Sunday afternoon after church Homer makes Lisa go in the freezer to get some novelty flavoured ice cream. However she contracts a cold forcing her to miss school! Meanwhile Homer adopts a lobster to grow it to eat. But finds he can’t kill his new pet.

Then Lisa starts sneezing on everything!

Then she encounters a snot monster that oozes out of her nose!

Plot[edit | edit source]

In church, Homer is sleeping as usual and snoring loudly.

“And may we burn in painful and foul smelling fire forever and ever...” said Lovejoy during a sermon.

Bart farted violently and loudly and screamed in pain. “Aaaaaaagh! Oh why did I eat all that chilli?! Help me Lord to release this demon!!”

”Bart shhhh!” Marge hushed him.

Oscar screamed with laughter.

“In other news... a men-meno-Mennonite minister will be making an appearance as a guest speaker next week.” said Lovejoy. “Go in peace.” He coughs.

”Don’t make me come up there Lovejoy!” Homer yelled, wanting to go home.

...


The Simpsons and Oscar are driving home from church. Bart is really hungry so Homer decides to stop at the mall to raid their free samples.

"Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communal wafers?" Bart asked. “And booze.”

"No! Four children is enough!" Marge replied in a cross tone. "And I only intended to have three! I didn't know I was gonna have twins when you and Hugo were born!"

"I'll sort out our lunch!" said Homer, he drove them to a supermarket.

At the store Homer grabs some meat lollipop free samples and gives everyone one each. Well almost everyone. Then he instructs everyone to raid the free samples and they split up to do so. Marge isn't very happy.

"We always do this every time we come here. I feel so bad that we never buy anything..." Marge sighed.

Upon receiving her meat lollipop Lisa gagged.

"Oh I forgot... Lisa's a vegetarian now..." Homer sighed.

"Hugo, you can have it." Lisa gave Hugo her meat lollipop. He eagerly ate it.

After they split up...

Lisa saw a vegetarian section selling blocks of cud. She took one glad to find something vegetarian and ate it. It tasted squishy and wet.

Meanwhile Bart was trying chocolate fudge brownies. However the lady at the free sample stall was rude to him.

"If you're gonna get snippy, I'll take my services elsewhere..." said Bart as he took some brownies.

Oscar had something to show him. "Look in the cereal aisle!" said Oscar directing him to the cereal aisle. "It's that kid we saw at Try N Save buying a copy of Bonestorm!"

The spoiled kid's mom was buying him some cereal. He didn't like any of them.

”I hate you! I want to live with one of my dads!” said the boy from the Try N Save.

"I wouldn't normally admit it, but he sure is rude to his mom..." Bart remarked.

Elsewhere Homer decided that any food with a cocktail stick in it was a free sample. He used this to his advantage to take a hot poussin from the cooked chicken aisle. Mmmm store cooked chicken...

"Homer!" Marge scolded him for stealing.

Homer then tried to skewer a lobster in a lobster tank with a cocktail stick.

“Hey pally! Those are not for free!” said Raphael.

“Um how much is that one.” said Homer. Wanting the lobster he was poking.

“A thousand dollars.” said Raphael.

Homer screamed. “Uh how about that tiny one?”

“If you really want it? Twenty dollars.” said Raphael.

“Sold! Hehehe! I shall feed you up and eat the profits! Mwuhahahaha!” said Homer taking baby Pinchy.

...

Homer then went to buy some ice cream. There were some Ben & Jerry inspired novelty flavoured ones. However he didn't like the ones at the front.

“Cherry Garcia?! Honey Bono?! (Homer moans) Desmond Tutti frutti?! What the hell?!” Homer disliked the flavours of Ben N Jerry’s. Oscar screamed with laughter when he heard Desmond Tutti Frutti. “Oscar stop screaming like that!”


He needed some way of getting to the ones right at the back. When Lisa went to collect him he had an idea.

Homer was now pushing Lisa into the freezer to get the ice creams at the back. However he didn't like any of the flavors she found.

“Candy Warhol... Xavier Nougat...” Lisa said shivering from the cold.

”Naw! Nothing made of dead guys...” said Homer.

Oscar screamed. “Aaaaaaaagh! Zombie ice cream!”

”Oz! Shut it!” Homer yelled.

“See what’s right at the back sweetie...” Homer asked Lisa.

Lisa was starting to get cold.

Suddenly Marge saw what he was doing. "Homer! Get her out of there!" Marge yelled. When Homer took Lisa out of the freezer she was pale and shivering.

"Oh my Lord! We better get you home right away!" Marge gasped.

”Oooooooh...! Sherbet Hoover?!” Homer didn’t like that flavour.

Oscar giggled taking pots of Ben and Jerry’s to buy.

...

At home, Lisa soon developed a cold and was unwell. Marge was concerned and decided she would have to miss school.

"But Mom!" Lisa protested.

"But nothing! Lisa you need plenty of rest, you're not very well!" Marge explained.

Lisa sighed.

“Homer I’m very disappointed in you! You made our daughter sick!” Marge told Homer off.

“Yeah but I got us a new pet for the tank!” He put Pinchy in the fish tank. He went upside down.

“Dad (snorting and nose clearing) lobsters neeb sald wadder!” said Lisa sick with a cold.

”Eh?” Homer asked.

“She said, lobsters need salt water.” said Oscar.

“On it!” said Homer adding salt to the fish tank. Mr and Mrs fish the gold fish went upside down.

“Dad! The fish!” Bart whined.

“Easy...” Homer added more water to the fish tank. He adjusted salt levels until Pinchy and Mr and Mrs fish the goldfish were sideways.

“And hey presto!” said Homer. The family face palmed.

That afternoon Oscar gorged on Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tubs with funny named flavours. But he got brain freeze.

”Yaaaaaaaaie!” He screamed in pain.

”Brain freeze.” Bart smirked.

”Oooooooh! Caramel cups!” said Hugo picking up a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tub.

...

The following morning she was watching a nature programme about the seaweed eating shark. Marge didn't approve.

"Hmmmm! You're working your brain too hard!" said Marge. "How about you relax and play one of Bart's video games. Apparently they're The latest trend!" Marge put a black games console on Lisa's bed.

"Fine..." Lisa sighed. She put in a game that wasn't gory. Dash Dingo. "Ugh!" she groaned. It was a ripoff of Crash Bandicoot. The main character was being tormented by a giant Australian man's head.

"Foolish dingo! You must find and devour the seven crystal babies or spend an eternity in deep didgeridoo forever! Bwahahahaha!" said the Australian man. I assume he's supposed to be Dr Neo Cortex.

"I'm so scared..." Lisa said sarcastically.

She was then playing the game. The level involved exploring a temple. Lisa found a glowing pot and wanted to see what was inside. However koala ninjas bursted out and pummelled Dash to death with nunchucks.

"Nunchucks?! They're not Australian!" Lisa groaned. The game made the death march tune. "Oh I lost life... fine... this game sucked anyway..."

...

Soon Bart, Hugo and Oscar came home.

"Hey, Lisa can I have my games console back?" Bart asked.

"Sure, knock yourself out..." Lisa groaned as Bart took his console.

"Do your homework first!" Marge called from somewhere.

"Ugh! Fine..." Bart groaned. "Oscar get out your algebra homework..."

Later after homework Bart was playing Dash Dingo.

"I am four power wands away from the anti gravity lawsuit!" said Bart as he played Dash Dingo in his pyjamas as it was late. "Hope I don't run into that weird little troll..." suddenly Ralph was in his face. "Gaaaaah!"

"Hi Bart! Where's Lisa? I have her homework!" said Ralph.

"Ah! Pause! Pause!" Bart tried to pause the game.

"Ralph... it's late! Why are you here? And how?!" Lisa asked yawning and rubbing her eyes.

"Mommy and Daddy sleep like chopped up trees!" said Ralph.

"Logs Ralph..." said Bart playing his video game.

"Anyway, here's Ms Hoover's homework! We have to read Wind and the Willows! It's about a frog and a badger and a mole... I drawed on mine!" said Ralph handing Lisa a copy of Wind and the Willows. He showed his copy which he had scribbled stick men on.

"Thanks Ralph, now go home." said Lisa.

"This isn't my house?" Ralph asked.

"No you live in a different house." said Lisa.

Ralph pretended he was a train and went choo chop out of Bart's room and off somewhere.

"I can't believe I used to go out with him..." said Lisa. "Well goodnight Bart."

Bart got a game over.

"Now I rule the down underverse! Bwahahahaha!" said the Australian guy villain.

"We'll just see about that!" Bart said as he started playing again.

...

The next day Homer was seemingly making Marge a fried breakfast. How lovely!

“Oh Homer! You made me breakfast!” Marge was touched.

“What? No this is Pinchy’s breakfast!” Homer took the bacon, sausages and fried eggs and poured them into the fish tank. “Come on! Eat up so you grow big and strong! And tasty! Mmmmmm!”

“Dad! Lobsters don’t eat fried food...” Bart explained.

...

Eventually Lisa insisted on going back to school. However she kept sneezing on everything including on of her assignments when she handed it in.

"Ugh!" said Miss Hoover taking in the snotty homework.

At home Pinchy was too big for the tank so Homer moved him to a paddling pool/kiddie pool in the lounge.

“Homer why is the kiddies pool inside?!” Marge asked.

“For Pinchy.” said Homer. He was in the kiddie pool splashing Pinchy and giggling. However Pinchy squirted him.

Homer spluttered. “Why you little!” He yelled at Pinchy. Pinchy squeaked an adorable squeal. “Awwwwwww! That’s adorable! I can’t stay mad at you!” He hugged the lobster.

“Geez Louise...” Marge walked off and left this bizarre scene.

...

Lisa was invited to the school quiz. Marge was worried about her health so she gave Lisa some cough medicine.

"But Mom I don't want to go on some dumb quiz show to prove how smart I am! That's like me asking for a new brain!" said Lisa.

Bart suddenly had an idea to annoy her. He ran in the kitchen and came back with a large floret of cauliflower. "I've got you a new brain Lis! It's not much but it's a lot less squishy than that scary one you have in your head!" said Bart.

"Bart!" Lisa yelled at him.

"Bartholomew J Simpson, stop playing with our food!" Marge confiscated the cauliflower floret.

"But Mom, I wasn't playing, I was taunting..." said Bart.

Marge hrrrrmmmmmed.

At dinner Bart continued taunting Lisa. He kept going “Do it Lisa! Do it Lisa! Do it Lisa!”

"Alright! I'll go on that stupid Quiz!" Lisa yelled.

...

Lisa was signed up to the quiz but sneezed on the registration forms getting snot on them! Yeeeuck!

"I'm so sorry!" said Lisa.

"Eeeech! No matter, nothing a few lozenges and a mop can't solve." said the lady at the registeration desk.

Lisa met her school friends who were also competing such as Ralph, Martin and Nelson. Nelson's Dad was nearly choking him trying to do his tie up tight.

"And that's how you do a Windsor knot son." said Nelson's Dad.

"But Ack! Dad! Eeeeeck! I can't breath!" Nelson couldn't breath because his tie was too tight.

Lisa flew through all the rounds even beating Martin who got an answer on who wasn’t one of the three Stooges wrong.

“You knucklehead!” Oscar yelled.

Ralph ran around his pedestal making Curly sounds.

“Why you!” Oscar replied.

However on the last question she was stuck and couldn't figure out the answer. Suddenly she sneezed very hard. She stood there and sniffed as snot oozed down over her upper lip. Yeeeuck!

"Congratulations! That was the right answer!" said Skinner. Apparently the answer was a sneezing sound...

"Ugh! That was disgusting!" Bart groaned.

"Eeeew!" Oscar groaned.

Lisa sighed and wiped her nose clean with a tissue.

She then celebrated with her family.

"Lisa I'm so proud of you!" said Marge.

"Wow that felt like a breeze." said Lisa with a stuffy nose.

"Yeah the only breeze came from your nose..." said Bart.

"Yeeeeuck! That was disgusting!" Oscar groaned.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

At home Bart as Dr Bart determined Lisa was in the infectious stage of a cold called the "da choos" because of the sneezing. He then explained a sentient snot monster occasionally visited kids with colds. However Lisa didn't believe him.

"Grow up..." Lisa groaned as she went to her room.

That night Lisa felt terrible. She sneezed again. However this time Meuka oozed out of her nose. The laughing snot monster was a round oozing rodent like creature with a really long slimy tail that was oozing from Lisa's nose. Lisa screamed.

Meuka laughed and oozed out of the room on his tail as Marge cane in.

"Uh, we should probably ignore that..." Marge grimaced.

...

The next day Bart as Dr Bart was being silly again insisting Lisa's butt needed to be amputated because she had a rubber butt.

Bart took off his doctor's coat and started singing a silly song.

"Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt! And when she turns around, it goes putt putt!" Bart sang while gesturing his butt.

"Bart grow up..." Lisa groaned as she had a headache from her cold.

"I think we should do another scene with that cartoon snot monster." said Oscar.

That night Lisa was in bed sneezing. She sneezed very hard and sneezed mucus out of her nose again. He was bigger than last time. She yelped as he wrapped her up with his slimy tail. He laughed evilly.

"Ugh! What do you want?! Shouldn't you be pestering Bart? I bet he'd love to meet a gross slime wad like you!" Lisa grunted as she struggled.

Meuka growled and made non verbal noises like Tasmanian devil gibberish while spitting slime everywhere.

Lisa gulped wondering what he was going to do with her.

Whatever it was, it involved Meuka turned her into a baby wearing a diaper.

Meuka glued her hands to the mattress sticking her down with slime. She struggled and squirmed.

Meuka morphed into a slimy Screwy Squirrel and sniffed her diaper with his big wet shiny green nose. Baby Lisa grimaced and struggled.

Meuka kept sniffing her diaper smirking as there was nothing Lisa could do. Then he splattered his slimy tail on her diaper. She groaned as slime slowly engulfed her diaper. He was then using his gooey tail to try to pull her diaper off Lisa grunted as Meuka pulled but the goo holding her hands pulled her back holding her stuck to the mattress.

Baby Lisa sweated as she wet he diaper.

”Nnnnnnnnnnnngh!” She grunted as the slime was trying to yank off her diaper. She wriggled her short little baby legs so Meuka took ahold of her ankles and slimed her feet to the mattress sticking them down with gooey slime too!

...

The next day Grampa paid a visit.

”A cold eh. My mammy treated colds with some hearty soup!” said Grampa.

”What a small world! So does my mom!” said Jurkle.

”Who is that?!” Abe asked.

”Oscar’s Jewish friend Jurkle.” said Bart.

”Oh.” Said Grampa.

”Soup? That’s a great idea!” said Marge.

”I fancy some vegetable soup right now.” said Lisa.

Marge made her some minestrone soup.

Jurkle was counting flasks of soup his mother made for him for reasons... Jewish moms....

”Borscht, Chicken and matzo, elixir soup from Wind Waker, Minestrone and.. Ugh... Curry and cauliflower....” said Jurkle.

Marge gave Lisa her soup. Peter Griffin wanted to throw the boiling soup at her.

”Peter no! I’m still mad at you for throwing boiling soup at Meg when she had the mumps!” Oscar scolded him.

Eventually Lisa demanded she be allowed to go to school despite her cold getting bad again. Anything not to be at home alone with that slime wad. She went in to do a test she was unable to study for because of her illness. She then worried about what would happen if she failed.

In the future. "And Lisa Simpson, you get to go to Brown!" said Skinner.

"Oh no! Not Brown!" Lisa lamented.

Her daydream ended with her saying not Brown! repeatedly.

"Lisa are you alright? You've been saying not Brown a lot." said Miss Hoover.

"Yes, I just have a slight headache." said Lisa.

"Oh go and get yourself a drink of water and some rest. Then come back and do the test." said Miss Hoover.

"D'oh!" said Lisa.

...

Meanwhile it was time for Pinchy to die! Marge had a boiling pot on.

“Homer bring Pinchy! Oooooh I can’t wait to taste that lobster!” said Marge.

Homer came in with Pinchy. “Well boy. We had a lot of fun times but you’re food now!” said Homer.

“I’m surprised Lisa’s not here protesting.” said Oscar.

“She’s at school. Like you should be!” said Homer.

“Come on! Put him in the pot!” said Marge.

Homer was hesitant to kill Pinchy. “Ooooooh...”

He looked at Pinchy. Punchy had an adorable cartoon baby lobster face. He gurgled like a baby.

“Awwwwww! That’s adorable!” Homer cooed. “Marge look at his adorable face and say we have to kill him!” Homer showed Pinchy to Marge. She only saw a beastly monsterous lobster drooling and growling as it snapped its claws at her.

“Ow! It pinched my nose!” Marge groaned as she held her nose.

“See! He likes you!” said Homer.

...

Then Lisa cheated on her test because she didn’t revise because she was playing video games... then she feels guilty... yawn...

“Fine I’ll accept this A that I don’t deserve!” Lisa ranted.

“It’s either that or you go to Brown Lisa.” said Bart.

“No! Not a Brown! Not Brown! Not Brown!” Lisa repeated.

“Or worse! Monster island!” said Oscar.

“No Godzilla flashbacks!” said Lisa.

“Awwww! But I wanna see you in the future being chased by Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan and Gamera...” Oscar whined.

Lisa rolled her eyes.

“It’s a shame I’m allergic to shellfish. I bet that congratulatory lobster dinner will be delicious!” said Bart.

...

However at dinner they had steamed cabbage.

“Dad. Where is that lobster you promised?” Bart said annoyed.

“Why do you care? You’re allergic to shellfish!” said Homer.

“I love the smell of cooked lobster....” said Bart.

“Well nobody is cooking Pinchy! He’s family now! Eat your rice Pinchy!” Homer set the lobster a place at the table and gave him a bow of rice...

The family face palmed.

Having a pet lobster had its drawbacks...

Teddy the living teddy bear. Oscar’s teddy bear to be exact. Was sleeping when Pinchy crawled on him and pinched his big wet shiny black nose with his claws!

“Yiiiiieee!” Teddy cried in pain and ran around yelping with a lobster refusing to let go of his nose.

The family were having lunch when Teddy ran in yelping with a lobster pinching his big wet shiny black nose.

“Teddy!” Oscar was concerned for his pet teddy bear thing. He grabbed Pinchy and pulled until despite Teddy’s cries for him not to pull the lobster eventually let go.

“Ow!” Teddy groaned tearful as he rubbed his sore nose.

“Look your pet hurt Teddy! I don’t forgive that sort of thing! Either get rid of him or eat him!” Oscar yelled.

“I will not eat Pinchy! He’s family now!” Homer hugged Pinchy.

“Homer this obsession has got to stop! You adore that lobster as a fourth child more than you love Hugo!” Marge yelled.

Hugo was trapped under a washing basket weighed down with bricks. “Uh help?” Hugo asked.

...

Oscar would realise quickly that Pinchy was a valued member of the Simpsons household...

That night he was in his bed wearing feety pyjamas and sucking a pacifier when a shadow was over him... he woke up to find Meuka the cartoon snot monster leering over him. He gulped at the snotty oozing snot monster and sucked his pacifier rapidly and wet himself.

Meuka giggled and stopped his pacifier sucking with one slimy finger on his pacifier.

“Hehehe! Not even toilet trained!” Meuka laughed. He learned over Oscar and sniffed his crotch with his big wet shiny green nose. Oscar grimaced. A foul smell of stinky diaper made Meuka gag. “Oh yeeeuck! You stink! You need changing pronto!” Meuka gagged holding his nose in disgust.

Meuka then stuck Oscar’s hands down to the mattress with two oozing splats. He was glued with slime to his bed by his hands. Oscar struggled.

Meuka ripped off his pyjamas so he was just lying about in a diaper.

“Thought so. Binky boy.” said Meuka. The cartoon slime monster sniffed his diaper again but this time Pinchy the lobster pinched Meuka’s big green shiny nose.

Meuka squealed in pain and slithered about crying as he tried to remove the lobster holding his nose.

Oscar giggled at this spectacle. Then Pinchy landed on him from being thrown by Meuka. “Thanks Pinchy.” said Oscar. But Pinchy pinched his big toe on his right foot. “Yeeeeowch!” Oscar whined.

...

Homer took Pinchy to the beach to enroll in Captain McCallister’s obedience school for sea creatures for some reason...

During the journey Pinchy encounters a tiny hermit crab. It pinched him. Pinchy cried.

“Hey you don’t have to take that kind of crap from him!” Homer told Pinchy to stand up for himself.

“Aaaaarrrr! I see this before! Someone has been mollycoddling him!” Captain McCallister frowned at Marge.

“Don’t look at me! I wanted to eat him!” said Marge.

“Arrrrr! I’m sorry it’s just usually it’s the women...” said Sea Captain.

...

In class Lisa thought of the consequences if she admitted she cheated the test. Once again at he graduation Skinner announced she was going to Brown.

“And Lisa you’re going to Brown!” said Skinner in the dream.

“Ah my incarcerated business partner’s gay, retarded niece went to Brown!” said a rather offensive school proctor.

“Why did I imagine that jerk?” Lisa asked herself.

Skinner reassured Lisa thar keeping quiet about her cheating was a good idea. Her high test score had brought up the school funding.

“Why we have our first computer!” said Skinner. Old Gil was installing a computer.

“Ah can’t beat the t old window 95...” said Gil.

“Ach! Machines! The devil’s work!” said Willie


“Even Ralph is learning for once!” said Skinner as Ralph was playing on a spelling game.

“Hi Lisa! Hi Primpincible Skinner milk! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!” said Ralph.

Super Intendant Chalmers gave him a look like he had three heads.

Ralph spelt cat. “C A T spells cat.” said the machine.

“I’m learnding!” He said incorrectly.

“Awwww! Ralph...” Lisa sighed at his cuteness and putting her hand on his shoulder. His special area...

“Come back to me babe...” said Ralph romantically in his imposter voice from Lisa’s pony.

“That’s never gonna happen Ralph...” Lisa sighed.

...

Then we draw Act 2 to a close with a rather tragic ending....

At home that evening.

”Homer where’s Pinchy?” Marge asked curious as he wasn’t playing with his pet lobster.

”Oh Pinchy got dirty from playing in the yard so I gave him a nice warm bath...” said Homer.

Bart came in sniffing.

”Mmmmmmm! What smells so good?!” He liked the smell.

Oscar sniffed. “Mmmmmmmmm! Smells like freshly cooked lobster...” he drooled hungry.

Homer sniffed. “Oh god no! Pinchy! Pinchyyyyyyyyy!”

We cut to black as his screams echo.

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

At dinner Homer cried and sobbed as he ate Pinchy’s tail meat by ripping it out of him and eating it tearfully.

”Oh Homer...” Marge comforted him.

”Uh Dad, some of us would like some lobster...” Hugo said frowning annoyed.

”No we don’t! I’m vegetarian, Hugo!” said Lisa.

”And I’m allergic to shellfish! I break out in hives!” said Bart.

“Pinchy would have wanted it this way...” said Homer crying as he ate Pinchy.

”I can’t believe one of our pets has died!” Lisa teared up and sobbed.

“I can’t believe Dad won’t share a 2 pound lobster!“ Hugo snapped.

”I can’t believe this is not butter!” said Oscar being silly with a tub of I can’t believe it’s not butter.

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