I Love Lisa Ralph mistakes Lisa's heartfelt valentines card because she felt sorry that he didn't get any as a gesture of love and wants to be her boyfriend. Meanwhile Bart is fed up with Nelson bullying everyone for valentines cards so makes him a nasty one and spends the day pranking Valentine's Day which triggers Skinner's Vietnam memories.
The episode starts with Bill and Marty playing the song Hot stuff/ Monster one valentines morning.
Looking for some monster/hot stuff, baby this evening! Looking for some hot stuff baby tonight!
Oscar is grooving to the music as he plays virtual monster battle with a fat kid from Genki, from Monster Rancher’s school. The song Hot Stuff caused his monster Teddy, a teddy bear like creature to evolve.
“Marty why did you play that song?” Bill asked Marty.
“Because even monsters fall in love Bill.” said Marty. Bill winced. “Well, it's kind of a love song--all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check.”
”You played the wrong record, didn't you? Why are you doing this to me?” Bill whined.
”Why are you doing this to me?!” Marty retorted.
Oscar winced at the sound of the radio hosts/Disk Jockeys arguing. He rolled his eyes as he played Monster Rancher using his monsters Teddy Clownja etc.
As a version of the song Hot stuff with the word Monster instead plays. Various fictional monsters fall in love. Godzilla falls in love with Mrs Godzilla. King Kong woos the lady he kidnapped becaus he thought she was pretty. Dracula has a romantic dinner with a vampiress.
Bill and Marty bickered because Marty had just played another song Bill felt didn’t fit today.
”They did the mash! They did the monster mash!” Monster mash finished playing as we pan round several heart sweets with rude rather than lovely messages on them like “Ur a pig” and “Ugly”
”Marty why are you doing this to me...” Bill sighed.
”Hey get off my back man!” said Marty.
We pan out to find Bart is writing horrible messages on some sweet hearts candy in red ink. He laughs maniacally.
At breakfast Marge gave Homer a card. “Happy valentines dear!”
“Oh thank you dear!” said Homer.
“Um where’s mine?” Marge asked.
Homer screamed. “Oh! I forgot!”
“Homer do you even know what day it is today?” Marge sighed,
“Um... is it Bacon day?” said Homer. “No that’s crazy talk!”
“Mmmmmmmmm! Bacon.....” Lisa drools and gargles. Yes before she was vegetarian she was obsessed with bacon.
“Lisa...” Marge sighed. “Homer I hope you at least got me a gift.”
“Of course I have dear. It’s um in the attic...” said Homer.
“Oh yeah Hugo was chewing on a wrapped up present this morning.” said Bart.
“D’oh!” Homer ran upstairs.
“What’s the big deal with Valentine’s Day? Surely not everyone gives out gifts. What about single men?” Oscar asked.
At the retirement home. The nurses are putting up decorations.
B”ah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.” Grampa Abe Simpson ranted. Jasper had a valentines card.
“Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter.” Jasper sighed reading the card, that is just sick!! Is he grooming her or something?!
”Could I have the envelope?“ Abe asked meekly.
At Moe’s tavern.
“Oh! I got a valentines card! This must be some prank. Who loves me?!” said Moe, he read the card. “To Moe, happy Valentine’s Day! From your secret admirer. Kiss kiss.”
“Yoohoo!” Barney waved at him and blew kisses.
“Oh dear god!!” Moe screamed.
At home Bart and Oscar watched It hy and Scratchy. Itchy pulled out Scratchy’s heart and gave it to him as a gift.
“Aaaaaaaw!” Scratchy liked the romantic gift. He put it on his she,f and read a newspaper. The news article explained he needs a heart to live.
Scratchy screams and gets up to get his heart from the shelf but keels over and dies.
Bart laughs at the cartoon. Oscar and Homer sweat traumatised by the cartoon.
Outside to Homer’s annoyance he heard Ned singing.
Ned dressed as a heart was serenading Maude while singing Rod Stewart’s Do you think I’m sexy.
“Ooooooh if you think you love meeeeee! Darling I’ll be your hunky.... doo dooo dooo... Well this song is is a bit on the nose. But I’ll huuuuug and kiss yooooouuu!”
”Oh Neddy!” Maude sighed holding a flower.
”Ned that song does not need new lyrics!” Homer yelled.
”I defy you heart man!” Oscar yelled from Bart’s window.
It was Valentine's Day at school. However Bart had been pranking with love heart sweats with rude rather than lovely messages. I.e. Like "Ur a Pig" Skinner has found some and announces over the intercom he will find the culprit and that Valentine's Day is serious.
He then has a flashback to De Nang River 1969. His younger self was commanding a ship but it was down time so everyone was relaxing. A soldier was cutting a love heart card for his sweetheart back home.
"Is that for your sweetheart back home?" Skinner asked.
"Yes sir." said Johnny. However he was shot by machine gun fire and died.
"Johnny?! Johnny? Joooooohny!!" Skinner screamed. even after his flashback Skinner in the present was still screaming Johnny over the intercom.
"Coooool! I think I broke his brain!" said Bart.
Meanwhile in Miss Hoover's class she was giving instructions to make the valentines cards but Ralph kept interrupting.
"I'm not allowed to use scissors..." said Ralph.
"I wouldn't worry Ralph, these scissors are very blunt anyway." said Miss Hoover.
Then Ralph had another interruption when everyone got out their red crayons.
"Miss Hoover, I don't have a red crayon..."
"Why not..." Miss Hoover sighed.
"I ate it." Ralph had red stains on his teeth from eating the crayon. Everyone laughed.
"Children don't encourage him..." Miss Hoover sighed.
"Miss Hoover... I've glued my ear to my shirt... hehehe..." Ralph said sheepishly.
Everyone then handed out valentines cards. However Ralph didn't get any. He cried.
Lisa felt sorry for him and gave him one.
"Choo Choo choose me?" Ralph liked the card. Lisa was happy he was happy.
Meanwhile Fourth Grade was doing the same thing.
”Class for Valentine’s Day you’ll all be making cards for each other. To avoid any broken hearts or tearful classmates it has been deemed mandatory for you to make a card for each and every one of your classmates. Yes even ones of the same gender...” said Mrs Krabappel. “Any questions? Yes Hugo...”
“Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?” Hugo Simpson asked wearing a white lab coat and glasses.
Bart winced somewhat unnerved by his brother’s obsession with performing vivisections on people. Dude you’re the kid that bought in a neuralyser brain frying gun and wanted to make monkey men...
”Yes Hugo....” Mrs Krabappel sighed.
At lunch hey had cow hearts. Eeeeeew!
“Where do I put these cow hearts ma’am?” asked a delivery man at the kitchen.
“Just dump them on the floor heart boy!” said Lunch Lady Doris. He does so. How unhygienic...
At lunch Bart is eating his sandwich when he has a bad stomach ache. “Uuuuuuuh!” He clutched his stomach in agony.
“Bart what’s wrong?” Milhouse asked.
“My baboon heart! Body rejecting it!” Bart groaned. He threw up a heart. Gross!
Everyone screamed in horror.
“Eeeeeew! Nice prank Bart! But er Oscar’s riding on your tail with his antics...” said Milhouse.
Oscar was in the cafeteria dressed as Mola Ram. He was holding a cow heart in the air. “Kali ma shakti de! Kali ma! Kali maaaaaaa!”
“Oscar stop that infernal blasphemy!” Lisa yelled.
In a corridor a kid with a country hick accent was talking with the girl who wore a dead ferret to the beauty contest in the episode Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!
“Garsh, this scarf feels soft as a lop-eared bunny rabbit.” said the hick kid with Buck teeth who calls Bart funny looking for wearing glasses. He was stroking a girl’s scarf. The girl who was wearing a dead ferret in Stupid Lisa Garbage Face.
(snatches the scarf) “That's because it is rabbit. It's from a very exclusive uptown salon. (puts it around her neck) Almost as exclusively as where I vacation in Aspen, right Sherri and Terri?” Oooooh now we’re establishing the rich bitch at school! How’s that Matt?!
(“Shut up! I’m not great at coming up with reoccurring characters!”)
”Oh yeah. Very exclusive...” said Sherri and Terri giggling.
Oscar heard her and was incensed with rage because Lisa wasn’t in her “Loves all creatures and hates animal cruelty.” phase yet.
The Rich bitch who wears dead animals sighed.
”That’s a lovely rabbit carcass you are wearing. Perhaps I can get you some slippers made from the heads of defenceless baby seals!” said Oscar snarking.
”Oh look! It’s the animal rights activist who assaulted my father...” the girl sighed.
Oscar was spraying a mint spray in his mouth.
”SECURITY!” The rich Bitch screamed and two large burly boys dragged Oscar away.
”This ain’t over!” Oscar warned her.
Ralph wanted to hang out with Lisa which she agreed to.
“It said Choo Choo choose me! And there was a picture of a train!” Ralph laughed.
Lisa giggled and sighed.
“So do you... do... stuff?” Ralph asked.
“Um...” said Lisa.
They arrived at Ralph’s house.
“And Doctor Hibbert said my nose wouldn’t bleed so much if I kept my finger out of there!” said Ralph.
“Eeeeeeeew!” Lisa groaned in disgust.
Inside Bart’s watching Krusty.
“Hey, kids, don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show... featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce.” said Krusty. There’s a scene where Sideshow Mel is drunk.
”Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a-- (bleep)” said Mel drunk.
Oscar gasped horrified.
“Oh, I'd give anything to go to that show. I'd sell my firstborn son.” Bart groaned. Yes Bart is saying that Homer...
“Hey!” Picard/Skippy Simpson whined.
”You'll do as you're told.” Bart snapped at Picard.
“In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion poops tonight, Tarzan farted, a fire started, the jungle burns toniiiiiiiight!” Oscar sang. He sings silly things like that....
Picard and Bart winced.
”This episode is really screwed up. Picard doesn’t exist yet, I don’t even exist yet! But thanks for breaking me out of the attic Oz.” said Hugo,
”That’s okay Hugey.” said Oscar smiling.
At home Clancy was very happy Ralph had a girlfriend.
“My little boy has a girlfriend! How sweet!” said Wiggum.
“I’m gonna over to see Lisa tomorrow!” said Ralph.
However Homer just made Ralph re tar the roof.
"Mr Simpson, these fumes are making me dizzy." said Ralph.
"Eh," said Homer.
Meanwhile Marge was nagging Bart to write Valentine's card's for everyone. His class was doing a prolonged Valentine's Day.
"It's not romantic if they make you give everyone a card..." Bart groaned.
"Just write the cards..." Marge sighed.
Bart frowned and bongo drums played.
Marge turned into a pickle.
”Hrrrrrrm...” pickle Marge grumbled.
”Bart the school got wind of my class not giving Ralph any valentines cards so to spare his feelings we all have to give everyone a card each... even pupils of the same gender...” said Lisa.
”Fine he gets one from an old bad movie that came out last year...” Bart frowned.
The next day at school Nelson had a line of frightened kids giving him Valentine's cards. If he didn't like them. Well I dread to think...
Luckily he liked Wendall's.
"A heart that transforms into a transformer! Awesome!" said Nelson.
Wendell sighed with relief and went back to his desk.
Next was the boy with shades. Except without his shades. He was being really funny!
Boy with shades was frightened as he handed over his card and gift.
"Melted Hershey's kiss. Not good!" Nelson was disappointed. He clicked his fingers and Jimbo and his gang dragged Boy with shades away.
"My mom left it on the dashboard! My mooooooom!" cried the boy.
"Cooool! So that's what he sounds like!" said Oscar.
Bart looked at his Legend of the Guardians the Owls of Gahoole card. Wait that doesn’t exist yet! Um an ET card? Superman 2?”
"In Gahoole we'd break his knees!" yelled the owl.
"Bart! Quit daydreaming and give me my card!" yelled Nelson.
Bart snapped out of his daydream and glared at Nelson. "No!" He tore up his card. Everyone gasped.
"You are so dead!" said Nelson jumping his desk and chasing Bart out the classroom.
"But we had a contract!" yelled Bart. "I'll throw water balloons at you again!"
"That's a risk I'm willing to take!" Nelson replied as the ran across the school.
Nelson then ripped up all the Valentine's decorations. He passed Mr Largo dressed as a heart.
"I defy you heart man!" Nelson yelled before tearing up his costume.
Nelson was eventually caught and sent to the principal's office. He got suspended.
At the Power Plant.
Unlike the future episode I borrowed that scene from Mr Burns did not give everyone Christmas presents.
”Bah humbug!” Mr Burns refused to celebrate Christmas.
So Oscar paid the three ghosts of Christmas past, present and yet to come to haunt him.
It didn’t work.
Smithers feeling sorry for the employees gave them all drinking birds.
”Oh my god! The bird! It’s drinking!” Homer yelled.
”Homer that’s a perpetual motion machine.” said Carl.
”In this universe we obey the laws of thermodynamics!” Homer yelled.
The drinking bird swung about.
Bart and his friends went to check on Boy with Shades. He got an atomic wedgie and was hung by his underwear by the flag pole. They helped him down.
Meanwhile after school Ralph was asking his Dad for advice to get Lisa to like him. Clancy was trying to break open nuts to eat.
“Get her a gift son, women always love gifts. That’s how I bagged your mother.” said Clancy. Then he got frustrated trying to crack open a nut so he he got out his gun and shot the nuts. Ralph flinched. “There., let that be a lesson you lousy nuts!” Clancy yelled at the nuts.
“What does Lisa like Sweetie?” Sarah asked Ralph.
“I dunno. This doll called Malibu Stacy...” said Ralph.
At home Lisa got a gift from Ralph.
"Oh no! It's a gift from Ralph!" said Lisa. It was a Malibu Stacy car. There was a note. "Look in the tunk. He must mean trunk." Inside were two Krusty the Clown show tickets.
"But I don't like Krusty as much as you do!" Lisa said to Bart. "What will I do?"
"Relax! I'll handle it!" said Bart. He whispered his plan which involved him turning up to the night out as Lisa.
"What if he holds your hand!" said Lisa.
"I can live with that." said Bart.
"What if he tries to kiss you?!" yelled Lisa.
"No problem." said Bart.
”What if!” said Lisa but Bart interrupted.
”Lis you don’t want to know how far I’m willing to go with this charade...” said Bart.
”Kids pipe down. I’m watching I love Lucy.” said Homer.
Lucille Ball cried.
”Geez Ricky, did you have to hit her so hard?” said a guy.
Homer laughed hysterically.
Meanwhile Apu was single. So that meant him working at his store selling valentines gifts like bouquets at outrageous prices. And not Han Solo-ing himself in chocolate.
”A hundred bucks for roses! That’s daylight robbery!” A man yelled. He stormed off.
That night at the Krusty show Chief Wiggum passed a chocolate ice cream to Ralph but it spilt on Lisa's dress. She moaned upset.
"Aww... nothing gets chocolate out... See?" Wiggum explained he spilt something chocolatey on his work trousers and they're still stained.
Krusty then went into the audience to speak to them.
"Please don't show me with Ralph!" Lisa begged.
However Krusty wanted to interview her and Ralph.
"Oh and who's this?" Krusty asks interested.
"I'm Ralph and Lisa's my girlfriend! When we grow up I wanna marry her!" said Ralph.
Suddenly Lisa Imagined life married to Ralph. They were living in a shabby house and grown up Ralph with a helicopter beanie hat came in.
"Hi darling! I just lost my job!" said grown up Ralph in the dream.
Back in reality Lisa suddenly screamed. "Noooooooo!" everyone was shocked. "Now you listen here! I don't like you! Nobody likes you! The only reason I sent you that stupid valentines card was because no one else would!!" Lisa ranted at Ralph. Suddenly everything paused like a tape.
It's revealed Bart was dressed as Lisa and recorded the whole event. "Look I can play in slow motion the exact moment his heart rips in half!" said Bart. He slowly played Ralph's reaction which was pretty upsetting.
Lisa cried feeling sorry for Ralph.
"Wait! How did you managed to look exactly like Lisa?" Oscar asked.
"My brother is an aspiring surgeon..." said Bart.
Hugo was dressed in his surgeon outfit and holding a bloody buzzsaw with a smirk on his face.
Unfortunately dumping Ralph was a really bad idea.
Chief Wiggum kept breaking Homer's lights on his car.
"Hey! Quit doing that!" Homer whined.
"Make Lisa be friends with Ralphy..." said Chief Wiggum.
"But Mr Wiggum!" Lisa yelled. "I didn't want to break Ralph's heart... but he was being really clingy and embarrassing! I just don't see him the way he fancies me!"
"Lisa get back with Ralph!" Homer demanded.
"Dad!!" Lisa yelled.
Homer grunted. He turned to Wiggum.
“You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!” Homer berated Wiggum for breaking his headlamps.
Wiggum was worried. “They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?”
“Yeah. The year 2019.” said Oscar. “But it only involves black people because some cop did a Rodney King thing again...”
At School Miss Hoover announced the school was doing a play about the presidents of America. The two students picked to play George Washington and his wife were...
"Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum." said Miss Hoover.
"What?!" Lisa and Ralph gasped.
"That's an outrage! I should be George Washington!" demanded Rex the theatre kid.
"Rex sit down!" Miss Hoover told him off.
"No I will not sit down you sanctimonious cow!" yelled Rex.
Miss Hoover sighed and played with the blinds. This was a signal to the cops led by chief Wiggum. For some reason...
Outside in the school parking lot Clancy Wiggum saw the signal.
“That’s the signal boys.” said Wiggum pleased. Why was there a signal? Was Miss Hoover bribed or blackmailed to give Ralph the lead role? Or was Rex a troublemaker and she was told to signal to the cops if he acted up.
At the play everyone's families turned up to watch. Before it started Bart was being silly.
"I am not a butt!" said Bart as he wore a Richard Nixon nose and glasses on his butt while mooning the girls. They screamed at him.
"Bart, do you want to be John Wilkes Booth or act like a maniac?" Miss Hoover told him off.
"I'll be good." Bart pulled up his shorts and pants.
First up was several students dressed as former not well known presidents singing a song. Rod and Todd were there for some reason... Yeah it's early season weirdness where it hadn't been written in that they attended Christian school...
I'll correct it though!
"Rod! Todd! Get off of the heathen school's stage and take off those ridiculous wigs!" Ned yelled.
Rod and Todd were so embarrassed they did as they were told immediately.
"Mr Flanders, can't you let your kids have some fun once in a while?!" Edna Krabappel ranted.
"I'm sorry Mrs Krabappel but my boys go to a good Christian school!" said Ned.
Next was fourth grade. Milhouse played the roll of Abraham Lincoln at the theatre where he was assassinated.
Bart was John Wilkes Booth but as the terminator... he had a Ping pong ball gun.
"Prepare to be terminated! Hasta la vista, Abey!" Bart um shot him and Milhouse pretended to die.
"Oh lord!" Marge gasped at Bart's antics.
"Now for you! Chester C Arthur!" Bart tried to kill one of the singing presidents.
However Miss Hoover dragged him off.
"Unhand me you Yankee!" Bart demanded.
Marge and Homer were embarrassed.
Finally was Lisa and Ralph's performance as George Washington and his wife. Rex was made a servent. Ralph spent the scene shouting at him. Then he put on a very poetic display that was so good everyone, even Patty and Selma lioved it.
"That Ralph is like Shakespeare!" said Patty.
Ralph was then in bed as a dying George Washington he gave a tearful Lisa his last dramatic lines before dying.
Everyone in the audience cried and clapped thunderously.
Even Lisa was impressed with him.
After the play Ralph was outside on the swings.
Lisa apologised to him and praised his performance.
"Here Ralph." she gave him a card.
"Let's Bee friends. And it has a bee on it!" said Ralph. They hugged and made up.