Husbands and Knives Bart and friends are fed up with how rude and mean Comic Book Guy is so he goads them into finding another comic book store. Unfortunately for him a new one has just opened across the street, called Coolsville and it is run by a hip young owner who is very kind and pleasant to everyone. Comic Book Guy will not stand for this.

Plot[edit | edit source]

The chalkboard gag is “The pilgrims were not illegal aliens.” Lisa is doing the hundred lines with Bart.

“Yes they are!” said Lisa.

“Oh quiet Lisa! So you’re suggesting we all emigrate back to Europe and give the Indians back their land...” said Skinner scolding her.

“They’re Native Americans! And yes!!” Lisa yelled.

Everyone left America.

Two Natives are alone somewhere in America.

“What do we do now Chief?” A native asked.

“I dunno...” said the chief.

The couch gag is a pop up book.

................

The episode starts at Androids Dungeon comic store.

Bart is going through comics to buy.

“Lame. Lame. Lame. Have it already. Lame. Lame. Superman dies. Aqua man dies. Casper dies, somehow despite already being a ghost... Caveman Robin, Black Robin, Born again Robin...” Bart can’t find a comic he wants. “Ah Ha! That infamous Wolverine comic with pop out claws!”

Bart takes out a Wolverine comic.

“Why was it so controversial again?” Milhouse asked opening the comic. Wolverine inside the comic sliced his cheek with his claws leaving bleeding cuts.

“Ow!” Milhouse cried. Then he literally started crying.

“Awwww... Milhouse!” Bart was concerned his friend got hurt and hugged him.

Milhouse’s tears fell on a Wolverine comic smudging the ink on Wolverine’s sideburns.

“Nice going, Dr. Boo-Hoo! Your tears have smudged Wolverine’s iconic sideburns! Therefore you must now buy this comic! And the cost of your innocent accident is... twenty five dollars...” said Comic Book Guy.

“But that’s the money Ylayia Sophia gave me at Greek Orthodox Easter!” said Milhouse, handing over twenty five dollars.

“When did that happen?!” Bart asked confused.

“Oh I wish they wouldn’t talk about their private lives...” Comic Book Guy sighed as he out Milhouse’s money in the till.

“You should stop being so mean to us kids!” Bart reprimanded him.

“Well, maybe you should go and find another store to buy comics in then!” Comic book Guy retorted. “Maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners... Nope! Maybe they sell comics at the mattress store! Or that new comic book store that has just appeared across the street! By Phillip K Dick! It’s as if Superman has moved into Gotham City!”

There was a new comic book store called Coolsville across the street.

“Which he did in World’s Finest Comics Issue 94!” said Martin being a geek.

“Yes, but that was a dream thought up by Jimmy Olsen after getting kicked in the head by SuperGirl’s horse Comet. It never really happened!” said Comic Book Guy.

“None of this stuff really happened...” said Bart.

“Get out of my store!” said Comic Book Guy.

"Gladly!" Bart responded.

...

All the kids ran out of Androids Dungeon and went to the new store, Coolsville.

A hip young man in a pork pie hat and glasses greeted them.

“Hey word up guys! How’s it g-going!” said the hip young owner of the new comic book store. “Welcome to my grand opening! My name’s Milo!” He high fives everyone. “Now before I let you all in, how about a free piece of hard Japanese candy each?” He gave them boiled sweets with unusual flavors.

“I got shrimp!” said Nelson.

"I got fish!" Hugo cried out.

“I got miso!” said Bart.

“I got dolphin...” Lisa said disappointed, because she’s vegetarian. Uh I think it’s just artificially dolphin flavored... E numbers and that...

“I got tofu, wanna trade?” Oscar asked her.

Lisa was happy too but confused. “Thanks. But you’d eat dolphas?!”

“Why not? I love dolphas!” Oscar squealed slightly as he said dolpha.

“Lis, don’t encourage him...” Bart sighed.

“I hope you all like Korean covers of Tom Jones songs because that’s what’s gonna be blasting!” said Milo. He let them in as Tom Jones’s What’s new pussy cat is sung in Korean.

There is a montage as Milo sings along and dances. He gives some comics to Lewis and Richard. Comic Book Guy stood glaring at the window so Milo put a cardboard cutout of Jabba the Hutt in front of him. Lisa was reading french comics and finally Bart was giving Oscar the Heimlich manoeuvre (abdominal thrusts) because he was choking on his boiled sweet.

“Asterix and Tintin comics! I thought they only had these in high school French lessons and libraries.” said Lisa. She imagined a bizarre story where Tintin and Snowy are investigating an old chapel that turns out to be a four stage rocket. They then crash into Atlantis.

However Lisa accidentally ripped a page. “Oh no! I ripped a page!” she was worried.

“That’s okay, little girl. Comics are to be read and enjoyed. Not hoarded away by bizarre lonely obsessed nerds!” said Milo.

Lisa was relieved.

“Oooooh! French and Belgian comics!” said Oscar picking up and reading one. “Hehehe! Marsupilami... that jaguar won’t leave you alone will he...” Oscar giggled reading a Marsupilami comic.

...

Bart however was not impressed with the new comic book store just yet.

“Okay I get it! You’re cool... You’re nice... you’re not mainstream... you wear a pork pie hat...” said Bart to Milo.

“Mmmmmm! Pork pie hat....” said Homer at work.

“Did Dad just do a Family Guy cutaway?!” Bart gasped. “Anyway... but how’s your comic book knowledge?”

“I’m all about capes! Flame on!” said Milo accepting any question about comics.

“No capes!” Edna Mode snapped.

“Oz no!” Bart whined at Oscar for making silly references.

Bart pondered a question to test Milo. “Who is stronger? The Mulk or the Thung? And show your work!” said Bart.

“Woo! Head rush!” Milo thought hard. “Well the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun. But the Thung carried an entire football team on his back. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Bart asked.

“Does Galactus eat planets? Sure! I value your opinion!” said Milo.

“Wow! It’s just I’ve had such a bad relationship with my last comic book store owner.” said Bart.

...

At dinner the kids would not stop talking about Milo and his new comic book store.

“And he is so chilled! If you accidentally spill your soda on a comic he doesn’t freak out at you and shout in your face!” said Bart.

“And he has girl comics!” said Lisa.

“Okay I get it! Now eat your dinners! They’re getting cold!” said Marge.

Homer started a conversation. “So I says to Lenny...” but something tips over a bin outside. “Oh crap!” Homer groaned. He got up cocking a shotgun and went outside.

There was a hobo going through the bins. “Get outta here!” Homer shot in the air and scared the hobo away. He then went back inside and returned to his seat. “Now what was I saying?”

“Something about Lenny.” said Bart.

...

One morning afterwards Marge dropped the kids off at Coolsville. “Bye Bart. Enjoy your funny books!” said Marge as Bart, Lisa, and Oscar went in the comic book store. Hugo not interested in lowbrow media like comics stayed with as she was stopping by a book store during her shopping trip.

However Marge compared her Olive Oyl body frame to the unrealistically skinny Wonder Woman and kick started a sub plot about owning a woman’s gym for women by women.

And Jimbo and Dolph made fun of Kearney’s mom for being fat and depressed.

”She can’t because she’s depressed!” Bart heard Dolph laughing at Kearney.

To Lisa’s joy there was a convention on with alternative comic book writers signing autographs. (Basically freelancers that don’t work for either of the two powerhouses, DC or Marvel)

“Wow! Look at all these alternative comic writers! Alan Moore, Art Spiegleman? Oh! Dan Clowes...” Lisa sighed. Once it was her turn at Dan Clowes’s table she spoke to him about his comic Ghost World. “I really identified with the girls in Ghost World! They made me not feel so alone!”

”Eeeeeeeew! Lis I really don’t think you should be identifying with the girls from Ghost World! Now I’m imagining you in that creepy filthy bathroom scene with Mr Burns, or Krusty, or the Scottish gardener...” said a brony wearing a Pinkie Pie T shirt.

”You mean Groundskeeper Willie...” said Oscar.

”Yeah...” said the brony who liked Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah yeah...” Dan Clowes didn’t seem so interested in his own comics. “Do you know anyone that works on Batman? Because I really want to draw Batman! I’m awesome at utility belts! Here’s where he keeps his pocket change! In case he has to take a bus!” Dan had a diagram on utility belts.

“Uh Mr Clowes... Batman has a nuclear car... the Batmobile...” said Oscar.

Dan Clowes furiously screwed up his utility belt diagram.

Meanwhile Bart was pestering Alan Moore, who made Watchmen. “Wow! Alan Moore! You wrote and illustrated my favourite issues of Radioactive Man!”

“Oh. So you like that I depicted your little childhood superhero as a heroin addict jazz critic who’s not radioactive...” said Alan Moore slightly annoyed.

“Oh I don’t read the words. I just like it when he punches bad guys! How do you get his costume to stick so tightly to his chest that you can see his nipples?” Bart asked.

Alan Moore groaned frustrated holding his head as Bart left with his autograph. Milhouse was up next.

“Can you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies? Which baby is your favourite?” Milhouse asked. Apparently they made a spin off where Dr Manhattan and the others are babies...

Alan Moore snapped. “Ya see?! This is what those bloody corporations do to ya!! They suck and suck ya dry like leeches! Leeches! The lot of them!”

“Okay Alan! Chill out!” said Art Spiegleman.

“Oh okay...” Alan Moore sat down to read a Little Lulu comic while singing about Little Lulu.

Ralph for some odd reason liked Art Spiegleman’s Maus comics.

“So little boy... you like comics about Nazi mice...” said Art Spiegleman.

“I like miceys! Which one is Mickey?” said Ralph happily.

Art Spiegleman slammed his face on the table annoyed by Ralph’s stupidity.

...

Suddenly Comic book Guy came in. “Attention comic book aficionados! This man is not one of us!” he points to Milo. “He has a girlfriend!” Comic book Guy points out a lady with glasses amongst the girls.

“My name is strawberry and my bag is also a lunchbox.” said Strawberry.

“Now my little wayward fanboys... I bring great news! My store now sells ninja weapons!” said Comic Book Guy revealing in his coat he has oriental weapons like nunchucks etc.

“You’d sell weapons of the orient to children?! That’s weak man...” said Milo.

“Yeah... face it! Milo is the comic book store owner our town deserves...” said Bart.

“I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss Comic book Guy Bart! Cooooool! Throwing stars!” said Stan as the four South Park boys gathered round Comic book Guy.

“Well of course you’d like deadly martial arts weapons... you threw a shuriken in Butter’s eye!” said Bart.

“I can’t see out of my left eye no more fellas..” said Butters with a gauze taped over one of his eyes.

”Yes we know you were doing an anime episode guys...” said Bart.

“And now to do something drastic! Hiyaaaah!” Comic book Guy took out a katana and smashed up the store.

“He’s wrecking everything!” said Art Spiegelman.

“League of Extraordinary Freelancers activate!” said Alan Moore. They ripped off their shirts showing off their muscular chests.

Oscar had a perverted nosebleed and fainted.

Alan, Art and Dan whaled on Comic Book Guy. They beat him soundly and threw him into a crate of used Jughead crowns from Archie Comics.

Archie appeared.

“Dah... Stay out of Riverdale...” he told off Comic Book Guy and left.

Bart sweat dropped.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

Comic Book Guy was in his shop sobbing loudly and talking to his action figures as he packed up and closed his store forever...

Meanwhile at the Simpsons Bart and Lisa were watching Itchy and Scratchy. Skinless in Seattle. Itchy lured Scratchy to the Seattle needle to kill him. First he tried dropping a coin from the tower on him. That didn’t work. Then he bought loads of miniature needle towers and threw them down at Scratchy. They formed a heart shape. This annoyed Itchy. He then sawed the top of the tower. It stabbed Scratchy in the eye. He ran around screaming.

Bart and Lisa laughed.

“I can’t shake the feeling this new comic book store is too good to be true...” said Oscar.

“That’s because it’s a miracle! No more ‘get your grubby hands off of those comics please!’ No more ‘if you spill your soda on that you’re paying for it!’” Bart explained.

“I just find it suspicious that’s all!” said Oscar. “Can’t a comic nerd be obsessed over his collection?! Milo’s like a Mary poppins... practically perfect in every way... he must have some vices...”

During free time at Coolsville all the kids read comics, Nelson for some reason was force feeding Bart shrimp flavoured Japanese hard candy to get him to have an allergic reaction...

Oscar was reading Marsupilami comics. Milo was hanging out with him.

“Did ya see the tv adaptation of The son of Marsupilami/ La Fils de Marsupilami?” Oscar asked.

“Only in French.” said Milo. “Luckily I’m fluent in five different languages.”

“Hmmm...” Oscar was studying him for cues. Was he someone in disguise as this new guy? “Yeah I liked the subplot of him babysitting the baby. If I owned that franchise I’d milk that babysitting plot!” Oscar giggled.

“You can always draw a fan comic! Let’s make one together!” said Milo.

Oscar was making a comic with Milo with high tech equipment.

“And then the baby inexplicably gets shrunk and shoves his hands up Marsupilami’s big black shiny nose and pulls his boogers!” said Oscar.

“I still don’t get why the sub plot is a Sadomasochistic Tyrannosaurus rex called Tyrannosaurus Sex who runs an S & M club...” said Milo.

“Don’t forget Justin Timberwolf and diaper fetish gross out humour!” said Oscar.

Meanwhile at the Simpsons house, Homer was watching Goldeneye.

“You think I’m an accountant! A bean counter! More obsessed with my numbers than your instincts!” said Judi Dench as M.

“Eeeeeew! Judi Dench...” Homer cringed as he watched the movie.

“The thought had occurred to me.” said robot house Pierce Brosnan from House of Whacks.

“Well good. Because I think you are a sexist misogynistic dinosaur!” said M.

Tyrannosaurus Sex roared angrily at the TV.

“You tell her dude!” said Homer. “Accusing your kind of sexism...”

“Homer it’s a figure of speech...” said Marge.

...

There was another convention at Coolsville. Oscar was arguing with the creator of Archie comics for not allowing fan fiction of their franchise.

“But that goes against freedom of fair use!” Oscar.

“Damn that Fair Use law!” The author yelled. “Look at this amateur fan comic an anonymous fan made!”

Oscar read the comic. Unfortunately it was Archie X Jughead.... “Eeeeeeuuugh! Why would you ship them?!” Oscar yelled.

Meanwhile Bart and Milhouse encountered Comic Book Guy. He was dressed as a woman.

“I am no longer Comic book Guy... just plain old Jeff Albertson... I have personas now! This is my girl persona.” said Comic Book Guy/Jeff.

A man asked him/her a question. “Ma’am what colour should Sonic’s arms be?”

Jeff sprayed mace in his eyes. The man ran off screaming and clutching his eyes.

“That is not important! Buy my Sonichu comic!” said Jeff.

“Ugh! So you got ran out of business for your rude behaviour towards customers so you resort to ripping off Chris Chan and his stupidity?!” Bart yelled.

“It’s Christina now!” said Christian Weston Chandler dressed in a frilly dress.

“Go away you freak!” Bart yelled.

“If you’re not interested in buying my Sonichu comics please leave, I have a convention of sonic fans to attend to...

Jeff and Chris, sorry Christina, sat down at a ring of chairs inside the empty shut down Androids Dungeon with other crazed Sonic fans. SammyClassicSonicFan, A kid with glasses and a red hoodie wearing a Mario backpack was screaming his head off.

“WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!? THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!” Sammy screamed.

“Sammy stop screaming into your webcam...” said Sammy’s Mom.

“I drew Sonic as a urinal!” said a nerd showing a picture of Sonic as a urinal.

“Aaaaaagh! It burns!” said Jeff Albertson screaming and covering his eyes.

“Oh come on! I didn’t even spray you!” Chris Chan frowned.

“Well I drew my Sonic fan character in a diaper!” said Oscar drawing diaper fur art of Sonic characters.

...

After Marge dropped Bart off at Coolsville and wished him a fun day reading his funny books she realised with her Olive Oyl body she looked fat compared to Wonder Woman. “Oh my!”

“Don’t worry Ma’am. Those super model body types are so unrealistic and unhealthy! No one is that thin....” said Kerne.

“Yeah, you’re still skinnier than most super heroines, Girthquake, Flabarella...” said Jimbo.

“Well you would say that Kerne! Your mom is fat!” said Dolph.

“Shut up! Stop insulting my mom! Why if she were here...” said Kerne.

“She can’t. She’s depressed from being fat!” said Dolph.

“Shut up!” Kerne yelled. “She’s just fat because her depression pills make her bloated!”

“She’s depressed from having a loser like you!” Dolph laughed.

“Shut up!” Kerne yelled and started fighting with his friends.

“Well I better go to the gym before I go from hip to hippo!” said Marge.

“I wish my mom said things like that.” said Kerne.

“She can’t become she’s depressed!” said Dolph teasing him.

“Shut up!” Kerne fights with him again.

“Uh.... Mom is Kerne acting as big kid school bully here or a single father...” Hugo asked wearing glasses.

“I’m both! I’m a single father and I still haven’t passed sixth grade!” said Kerne.

“For the thirteenth time! You were in sixth grade when we were in kindergarten!” Jimbo teased Kerne.

“Shut up!” Kerne yelled and punched Jimbo.

...

However the local gym or as Homer put it a Gime was for fitness freaks and steroid fuelled monsters. And hulks that didn’t take part in the dark arts of steroids drank protein shakes and raw eggs... yeeeeuck!

Marge was welcomed in by Rainer Wolfcastle, who was a mentor for her husband when he trained to climb Mount Murderhorn and former heavy weight champ turned lunatic Drederick Tatum.

“This gym keeps me occupied from my cannibalism...” said Drederick Tatum.

“Today some German demons from Hell are doing amateur gymnastics.” said Rainer Wolfcastle.

The red and blue demons from Dragon Ball Z Abridged where they were dubbed over with funny German accents were making everyone do star jumps.

“Einz Zwei Drei...” said the red demon.

“Come on! Schnell! Schnell!” said the blue demon. “Work those calves!”

Marge gulped and went to look else where at the gym.

She passed a poster saying “Gym. It is pronounced as Jim! Not to rhyme with Dime with a hard G!”

“Mmmmmm! Gime....” said Homer.

“Oh look Maggie! A mother and daughter class!” said Marge but to her horror, it was mother and daughter kick boxing! There was some very violent sparring happening in there.

Marge yelped and decided to just go on the machines. However the treadmills were set to fast and she went flying. “Who can run that fast?!” Marge yelled dazed and emerging from a hole she made in the wall.

Sonic the hedgehog, Usain Bolt and the Flash were running extremely fast on the treadmills that their legs were a blur.

Marge left deciding on opening her own gym for women.

...

But Comic Book Guy unlike in canon wasn’t ready to give up his shop.

“Marge I may have gone out of business and lost all of my customers to Coolsville but, the Androids Dungeon makes a fabulous nerd den for me and all my nerd friends and comic book fans!” said Comic Book Guy.

“But now you’re just squatting and denying a location for a new business I’ll get you removed from here!” said Marge.

“Correction. I am not squatting because I am the legal owner and I am still paying my taxes and bills! Good day!” said Comic Book Guy.

“But!” said Marge.

“Good day!” said Comic Book Guy but losing his patience.

Marge sighed and left.

At home Homer scoffed at the idea of an all female gym.

“People go to the Gime to see all the hunks working out! Why would women want a woman only gym?” Homer went outside to find every woman in Springfield lining up eager with Marge’s idea.

“Sweetheart you’re a genius!” said Homer.

“Yes but I need a premises. And Comic Book Guy won’t budge.” said Marge.

“Why should I? As long as I pay my bills...” said Comic Book Guy.

...

So as a result of my changes Marge reluctantly attended Rainer Wolfcastle and Drederick Tatum’s gym, that Homer kept calling a Gime.

“It is not a Gime!” Rainer yelled at him.

Oscar was with Marge today, for some reason. Marge was getting advice from the Gym coaches. A lady gym coach with a towel round her neck.

“Well Zachary J does Pilates, at two pm is swimming with Zachary C... and then there’s weights with Zachary B...” said the gym teacher lady.

Oscar unpacked an assault rifle from a suitcase and went off to kill all the Zacharies.

“An excellent idea!” said Stewie Griffin running after him and carrying a cartoon sci-fi blaster ray gun.

Then Marge went to an exercise class but to her horror it was run by Richard Simmons!

“Come on, come girls! Get the butter off those buns!” said Richard Simmons exercising with ladies and men. “Shake, shake, shake!”

The song Shake your booty was playing.

Marge screamed and ran out of the gym room.

Oscar was trying to chat up a lady gym coach. “So you’re telling me you don’t go for the guy that just murdered eighty percent of your coworkers...”

Then the tannoy played an urgent message from reception.

“On top of the mass shooting that is still ongoing, we’re having trouble with Miranda Hart wanting to cancel her gym membership! Everyone to reception immediately! Oh and watch out for the shooter...” said a voice over the tannoy.

“Cancelling a gym membership?! Not on my watch!” said Rainer Wolfcastle.

At reception.

“Cancel my gym membership now! Or I’ll! I’ll! I will shit on your towels!” Miranda Hart ranted. “Then I’ll break your swimming pool!”

“How?” A receptionist asked.

“I will... bring in a flock of sheep! Yes sheep covered in poo balls!” said Miranda.

“Poo balls?!”

“Yes! Poo balls! Poo clogged in their wool! And then I will pee in your ball pool!” said Miranda Hart.

In Coolsville.

“I’m guessing Oscar made my story the main one, even though it’s the opening story and Mom’s that...” said Bart reading this very wiki article on Oscar’s Mypad.

“Wonder what he will do with Dad’s, the C story...” said Lisa.

“You can’t have three stories in one! It would be badly written!” said Oscar.

“And I suppose nonsense cameos isn’t...” Bart sighed.

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

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