Simpsons Fanon

How Munched is that Birdie in the window? One stormy night while Homer is telling the kids a scary bed time story an injured carrier pigeon smashes through the window and Bart and Lisa decide to raise it back to full health when it can fly back to its owner. However Lisa reveals she is frightened and disgusted by pigeons. Much to Hugo and Bart’s amusement as the terrible twins decide to annoy her over this phobia of pigeons.


The title gag is a Fox News helicopter saying “not suitable for under 75s.

The billboard gag is Apu and the message, “Kwik e mart. Thoughtless gifts for people you don’t like.”

The chalkboard gag is “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is as good as a Charlie Brown Christmas.”

The couch gag is the Banksy one with the child slave sweatshop making animation cells and shredding kittens to make stuffing for Bart dolls.

The episode starts one stormy night at Evergreen Terrace.

At the Flanders house Rod and Todd are frightened by the storm and yelp as thunder claps.

“Now now boys... there’s nothing to be scared of! That’s just the angels up in heaven bowling.” said Ned.

In heaven, Angels are bowling at a bowling alley.

A black angel puts powder on his hands to stop sweating and him clapping his hands together makes thunder sounds.

Another angel buys a beer and pays for it on his credit card. The credit card being scanned makes the sounds of thunder.

Meanwhile at the Simpsons. For some reason Bart, Lisa and Maggie are all in Bart’s bed that night being read a scary bedtime story by Homer.

“And so the bloody hangman, (This is Simpsons by the way not a straight horror movie) his hair sticky with blood, skittering along the cobblestones, gunk dripping from his one good eye, singing his evil land shanty...” said Homer setting a story as a ghoulish one eyed hang man called the bloody hang man was stalking a man in a storm, presumably to murder him.

“Ker-shaw, ker-shaw. I’m after you! With my bloody noose, strong enough to hang ten moose! Ker-shaw, Ker-shaw. It’s just a story, but it’s actually true.” sang Homer.

Bart and his sisters shuddered in fear.

“Homer! Are you scaring the kids with horror stories!?” Marge yelled from somewhere in the house.

“No I’m not dear...” Homer lied.

“Yes I am...” he whispered to the kids.

In the attic Marge grumbled as she could hear Homer telling a story about the bloody hangman to Bart, Lisa and Maggie. She sighed and told a sickly cute story, like Calvin’s, from Calvin and Hobbes, favourite bedtime story Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie but even more sickly sweet and cute and shiny nosed furry creatures with big wet shiny noses. She was telling this sickly bedtime story to Hugo, Eric and Oscar who were all in Hugo’s bed. Hugo was the only one that hated it.

“Mom... can’t we read something intellectual like Ray Bradbury’s a Sound of Thunder?” Hugo whined.

Oscar and Eric were scared when thunder cracked loudly. They yelped and Marge had to comfort them and tuck them back in.

“No, because I’m trying to get your minds distracted from the scary thunder...” said Marge. “Anyway the Doobries picked dewberries and sung the happy, happy song...” Marge read the sappy book that Oscar and Eric liked.


Homer in Bart’s room sighed as he could hear Marge read the non canon characters a sappy baby book that even he felt was nauseatingly sappy.

“As nauseous as Happy little Elves Dad?” Bart asked.

“I have to agree boy... it’s just that when you’re mother is suggesting that as entertainment when you’re all babysat it’s because she couldn’t find anything suitable. That doesn’t excuse you to want R rated movies! Hang on! Why am I being stupid and irresponsible and telling a horror story that quite frankly even Wes Craven would find disgusting?!”

“Because I am in control now! Party! Party!” said fun Homer in Homer’s head having locked intellectual and strict Homer up.

“Oh...” said Homer.

“Anyway... the bloody hangman walks on his stubby bone feet across the plague ridden streets of London...” said Homer continuing his scary story. London in the story for some reason had giant white letters on a mountain spelling London, like the Hollywood letters.

“Wait! Dad you said the story was set in Boston...” said Lisa.

“Did I?” Homer asked. The kids nodded. “Anyway, the bloody hangman set to his gory work... bodies piled up, like those plastic stackable chairs...”

“Like the ones in music class?!” Lisa shivered.

“Perhaps...” said Homer.

The kids whimper.

Homer laughs evilly. However something smashes threw Bart’s bedroom window. “Aaaaaagh! It’s the bloody hangman!” Homer screamed and ran off.

“Ker-shaw, Ker-shaw. My lies have come true!” said Homer running off to the master bedroom.

Bart and Lisa discovered what broke the window. Lying on Bart’s bedroom floor was an injured pigeon.

“It’s pigeon! Awwwww! The poor guy hurt his wing!” said Lisa. The pigeon, as I just wrote, was injured. It had hurt its wing and couldn’t fly properly.

“Did someone say pigeons?!” said Hugo eagerly.

“Yes down here Hugo.” said Lisa. They cooed at the pigeon. As in they made baby noises because they thought it was cute. Not that they were cooing like a pigeon.

“I was cooing like a pigeon.” said Hugo to the fourth wall. He cooed like a pigeon and a few pigeons flew down from the loft and landed on his head.

Lisa noticed the pigeon had a number attached to its foot. “He has a number on him!”

“It could be a combination to a safe!” Bart said excited.

“Or... it could be the contact number for his owner.” said Lisa. “This is a carrier pigeon.”

Lisa got out her mobile phone and rang a number.

“Ask about the safe!” Bart whispered. “No better, act like you don’t know about the safe!”

The call was answered by Raphael the sarcastic guy that goes Hey pally! And does Charles Bronson from Death Wish impressions. “Hello?”

“Hello? I believe I have one of your birds. Raymond bird. (Stupid name...) and I need to know how to return him to you.” said Lisa.

Raphael was in an apartment infested with pigeons. “He’s a homing pigeon girly, why don’t you just spring him loose and let him fly home?”

“Well he could fly home, except that he has a broken wing...” said Lisa. “Perhaps you and your sarcasm can come to Springfield and retrieve him...”

“Are you kidding? Wherever I go, 200 pigeons have to come with me. And they all want to sit in the front with daddy.” said Raphael. His pigeons flew about and took the phone to put it down and uh one was in his cereal bowl eating...


In the Simpsons house Lisa sighed.

“Looks like you’re going to have to take care of him Bart.” said Lisa.

“Me?” Bart asked wondering why she said him specifically and indicated not herself as well. “Just what in my long sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?”

He handed the pigeon to Lisa but she screamed. “Gah! Mmmm nnnnn!” She uh doesn’t like pigeons. “Listen, don’t tell anyone. I can’t stand pigeons! They’re like rats with wings!” This is gonna be so fun...

“You take that back!” Hugo yelled threatening her.

“Easy now Hugh.” said Bart calming him. “Hey Lis! He’s crawling on your arm!” Bart said to Lisa because the pigeon was on her arm. She was horrified.

“Awwwwww! Maybe he’s not so bad...” said Lisa as the pigeon looked around. The pigeon vomited on her arm, yeeeeuck! “Eeeeeugh! Get it off! Get it off!” Bart took back the pigeon.

Bart and his twin brother Hugo smirked at Lisa’s loathing of pigeons as she cleaned off the vomit from her arm. “We are gonna have so much fun... aren’t we Hugo...”

“Yep.” said Hugo smirking deviously.

The twin boys laughed evilly.


Happy sounding music plays.

In the backyard one day Bart has put Ray the pigeon in the bird bath. Ray is splashing about grooming himself.

Rod and Todd watch until Ned covers their eyes. Are pigeons obscene?!

“Well... Ray the pigeon is in the bath...” said Bart trying to consider Ned’s bizarre logic.

Then Bart and Homer take Ray the pigeon to Moe’s where he meets and falls in love with a lady pigeon! They leave with Ray and his girlfriend lays eggs. Moe takes the pigeon eggs and and puts them in his egg jar...

At home Bart gets a delivery of live, squirming earthworms in a helpfully labelled box and pours the worms into the blender and blends the poor worms to death. He then feeds the lifeless mush to Ray the pigeon.

However Marge thinks the blender full of blended worms is a smoothie and despite Bart’s protests pours herself some and drinks it. Eeeeeew! She then comes back for more. Bart frowns at her for being so stupid and drinking strange things from the blender.

Bart is then outside walking Ray. Well actually watching him try to fly on a leash. He is encouraging Ray as he is slowly recovering and flying higher and stronger each day. Then one day Ray took off with Bart pulling him up into the air. XD!


Bart is then riding his bike with Ray in the woods.

“Come on Ray, your wing is healed, time to live your life. Go on.” said Bart releasing Ray. However the pigeon cooed and flew back to Bart resting on his bike.

“Come on! You knew this day was coming...” said Bart setting the pigeon on the ground and sadly riding away.

Sad music plays.

Ray stares at Bart.

“Their eyes are so creepy too!” Lisa comments on her dislike of pigeons.

Ray looked sad.

Suddenly Bart came back and grabbed Ray.

“You and I have shared too many seatbelts together to end things like this. You’re coming home with me!” Bart took Ray back home. Uh wasn’t he supposed to go back to Raphael?

Ray the pigeon cooed aroused.

Bart then encountered Nelson on his bike. “Go ahead... laugh... I lost my heart to a bird...”

“Haw Haw....” said Nelson.

“Man you’re not feeling it... what happened?” Bart asked him.

“My mom ran away with my birthday clown...” said Nelson. Yet more inexplicable birthdays and I see she shares Oscar’s clown fetish.

A clown honked his horn.

”You don’t know me enough to ask that question! said Nelson to the clown.

Oscar laughed.


After the fade to black. We cut to the Simpsons house. Someone is using a stapler gun. And the dog is in the front yard!

Homer is using the stapler gun to build a pigeon cage for Ray. Santa’s little Helper likes Ray a little too much as he is pouncing at the pigeon...

“All finished boy!” said Homer.

“Uh... that coop looks a little flimsy Dad.” said Bart inexplicably holding Ray. Bart knew from experience that Homer was rubbish at building things.

“Flimsy? Ha! This gentle pat says otherwise...” said Homer. The coop fell apart and the chicken wire put itself back in its box and the staples stapled up the box.

“D’oh!” Homer yelled.

“Now that you’re officially my bird let me fill you in the pecking order around here.” said Bart.

“Damn right, maggot.” said abridged Mr Popo.

“Top dog is me, then the top dog, uh the dog. Then the cat, then you. But don’t feel too bad. You’re still above Milhouse.” said Bart.

“Hey!” said Milhouse annoyed. “Come on Bart! How can you still be mad?! I thought your race car was a transformer...” he had broken a toy racing car thinking it was a transformer... “Nothing is one one thing anymore!”

“Sorry dude.” said Bart obviously still mad at Milhouse for some sort of Noodle incident that resulted in Milhouse accidentally breaking his toy racing car. “It’s still too soon.”

“Okay.” said Milhouse. “I’ll just be right behind this fence waiting for whenever you’re ready to forgive me...” Milhouse went behind the fence dividing the Simpsons house from Ned’s and peaked through a knot hole in the wooden panels. “Now?”

Bart walked off with Ray. “Now? Now? Now?” Milhouse asked repeatedly as Bart’s uh fence had a lot of knotholes as an eye warped between them after Bart. However at the end of this gag, there was an eye at one hole that was likely Milhouse but another eye at another hole further back. Who the devil is that?!

“I’m scared Bart...” said Milhouse. And Matt never resolved this... uh... both eyes are Milhouse? Oh my god!


The Simpsons and Grampa and Ray the pigeon are watching TV. There is a programme on with lots of gun noises in it.

The programme was a documentary on D Day, or a commercial using footage from the D Day landings.

It was about messenger pigeons used during the war, featuring Derp, the derp faced pigeon.

“Yeah that pigeon does look pretty derpy...” said Homer.

Plot 2[]

Derp sent an American Colonel a vital message. That there was a bomb in his helmet. He threw away the helmet and it blew up.

Then America played as Derp the pigeon derped out.

“Ray you have a use in society!” said Bart.

“Pooping on Flanders?” Homer asked.

“No! Sending messages...” said Bart.

“Right ahead of ya.” said Homer writing a message.

“Dear state fair, get more delicious genius chickens.” said the message as Homer chuckled. Mmmmmm.... State fair chicken...

Outside Homer and Bart let Ray fly between them back and fourth.

Inside with Lisa and Marge.

“Mom, why am I so repulsed by pigeons? It doesn’t make sense!” Lisa whined.

Also there was a distinct lack of Bart pranking Lisa with Ray montage... don’t worry I have lots of filler to get through.

“I’m a member of the people’s ethical treatment of Ameabas! The league of women vultures, the NWC porcupines, the kids for squids...” oh right that’s it! I know the Wii U isn’t out yet but that’s just asking for it!

“Garbleblargle(gurgling sounds)Ngyes!” said an Inkling boy from Splatoon.

Lisa rolled her eyes and continued reading her membership cards. “The ACL Unicorns! Clamnesty international! And... well those are the best ones.”

“Especially that squid one!” said Oscar. “You’re a kid now! Your a squid now! Kid now squid now kid now squid! Splatatatatah Splatoon!” He chased the inkling boy around the lounge.

“Sweetie, everyone has an animal they can’t stand.” said Marge as, oh my god! Bart is flying outside! “Indiana Jones had snakes! The grizzly man had Grizzlies!” Now Homer was flying! “And... well to tell you the truth, I’m not crazy about opossums...” I’m very crazy about them! Eh ooooh eh oooooh! Whoop whoop whoop! Halalabulahhh! Zort zort!

“Really?” Lisa asked.

“Uh huh.” said Marge nodding. “It’s those creepy little claws...” there is a faint crunching sound. “Nyaaaaaagh! Opossum!” Marge yelled.

“Mom, it’s just Maggie.” said Lisa picking up Maggie.

“Oh...” said Marge. She took Maggie and cuddled her and played with her while calling her a possum. Maggie giggled and cooed.

Something was scratching Marge’s leg. “What is that?”

“I’ll tell you later...” said Lisa. Because it was a possum! Dun dun dun!


At school.

Mrs. Krabappel was teaching maths. “Four hundred and sixty five divided by 7 is-Oh!” said Mrs K because Ray the pigeon landed on her. He had a message. It said “Who cares?”

“What da... Hmmmmm!” She tried to find who was sending messenger pigeons but everyone was quiet. “Right. I won’t ask who sent this note if I can use this bird to send a note of my own.”

“As long as it means we’re not learning.” said Bart.

“Deal.” said Mrs. Krabappel.

Ray sent a cruel message to Skinner.

“Seymour ever since we broke up I have felt better with out you, momma’s boy.l.” Skinner read the note.

Chalmers appeared. “Skinnnnnerr? Was that from Edna?”

“Yes sir.”

“I know how hard this must be for you Seymour. I just wanna say, I’m here for you. If you need me.”

A pigeon flew in with another note. “PS I slept with Chalmers?!”

“She was on the rebound from Willie!” said Chalmers leaving in a hurry.

“Willie?!” Skinner gasped.

“Ach she was dating me after she dumped Comic Book Guy!” said Willie.


Then Ray the pigeon visited Mr Burns.

“A carrier pigeon? Must be an update about the siege of Khartoum.” said Mr Burns reading the note. “Do a ballet dance. Naked. Ugh! Bad grammar but good advice!” Mr Burns stripped off naked and did a ballet dance to music that spontaneously played.

Homer, Lenny and Carl were watching and laughed hysterically. Mr Smithers saw they were watching and snickered quietly as he watched Mr Burns embarrassing himself.

Homer decided his friends and himself had a good laugh but should go now to avoid getting caught.

“Owwww... said Lenny as his stubble kept mysteriously disappearing and reappearing.


At Home Bart tied a message to Ray and sent him off to deliver messages.

Ray went to Milhouse, who was not some freakish monster. “How R U?” said the note. Milhouse sent one back.

Bart read the note. “My Dad fell in the fish tank at the dentist’s office!!” said Milhouse’s note. XD!

Bart sent one back saying “OMG! LOL!”

Milhouse sent back a big one saying, “See attached PDF file. There was a photo of Kirk in the fish tank. “Pretty darn funny, huh?”


In the backyard someone magically built a superior pigeon coop, much more stable and better than Homers. Could it be the carpentry fairy?!

“It was probably most likely my mom...” said Bart to the fourth wall.

Then Moe was there discussing with Homer that he should race Ray.

“People race pigeons?” Bart asked.

“Why sure! Anything that moves can be raced!” said Moe.

“Even the Detroit Lions?” asked Bart.

“Except the Detroit Lions. But lay off them. They get enough jokes about them from Family Guy...” said Moe. See the episode where Peter and Brian go to the zoo to get a thanksgiving turkey.

Then Homer for whatever reason. Presumably to do with the discussion about racing dreamt about a sexy female racing car driver. But Marge suddenly appeared in his dream. “You! You hussy! Stay out of my husband’s dreams!” The two ladies fight.

“Well that landed sooner than it should have.” said Homer. Then he dreams of Marge and the sexy female racing car driver beating him up. Homer has the oddest dreams...

Then Santa’s little Helper was a little too interested in Ray. He eats Ray in canon.

“No Santa’s little Helper! Do not eat Ray!” Bart told off Santa’s little Helper.

“I’ll help, Bart.” said Hugo. He put his fingers in his mouth and whistled. Loads of pigeons flew out of the chimney.

“Oh my god! Hugo! How many do you have?!” Bart asked.

“Enough to torment Lisa...” said Hugo. “Fly my pretties! Fly! Mwuhahahaha!”

The pigeons flew about teasing Santa’s little Helper as he tried to eat them.


There is supposed to be a funeral for Ray after Santa’s Little Helper ate him but I’m not finished with Ray yet so the funeral if or several of Hugo’s pigeons. He has many, but each one is still dear to him.

“How can you stand by that mutt when he ate some my pidgeys...” Hugo whined as the Simpsons held a funeral for Hugo's pigeons that got eaten.

“Because I’m the more intelligent life form. He depends on me to explain things and get that he didn’t mean to kill your birds.” said Bart.

“If he ate Ray you wouldn’t be saying that.

Meanwhile in canon.

“You stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird!” Bart yelled at Santa’s little for eating Ray.

Of course I hate writing these two falling out so that never happens.

“Oh dear, lets cheer up this funeral.

Bart’s friends in red choir uniforms sung put on a happy face from Bye bye birdie.

“Grey sky’s are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face!” The boys sung.

“No! No! No gay Flanders songs!” Oscar whined.

“Oscar! Don’t speak like that!” Marge scolded him.

“But it’s lame...” said Oscar.


In canon at the school.

“Mr and Mrs Simpson. Bart has been rather sad lately.” said Skinner.

“Yes we know. We’re trying to-“ said Marge.

“Oh please don’t do anything! Because of Bart’s sadness his grades have gone up! In fact he no longer feels enthusiastic about pranking!” said Skinner. “Could you perhaps try to make him sadder?”

“Principal Skinner that’s an awful thing to say!” Marge told him off. “How can you say such a thing?!”

“Marge, listen to this man! He’s paying Bart’s salary!” said Homer.

“No he doesn’t!” said Marge.

“Oh! Why can’t you support my gibberish?!” Homer whined. “I’d do it if you were stupid!”

“Mr and Mrs Simpson this marital strife is perfect but keep it at home where Bart can see it!” said Skinner.

“Ooooooh!” said Marge annoyed.


A psychiatrist lets Bart and Santa’s Little Helper in the office. “Bart, Santa’s little Helper. Come in.

“A shrink that sees boys and animals?!” said Bart.

“Hell, in this economy I may as well specialise in removing tattoos!” said the psychiatrist.

“Oh good! Then you can you remove Bart’s tramp stamp!” said Homer addressing Bart’s Mother tattoo.

“Noooooo!” Bart screamed.

“Diiiiiiiieeeee!” Oscar lunged at the psychiatrist and tattoo remover and killed him or her.

“Oh great... Oscar’s murdered someone. Thanks Dad...” Bart sighed.


That night there was a lightning storm.

“Eep!” Bart and Oscar were frightened and hugged each other out of fear of the thunder.

However Hugo liked lightning.

“Perfect weather for resurrecting the dead! Mwuhahahaha!” said Hugo.

“Hugo no zapping dead things back to life!” Marge called disappointed up to him.

“Ooooooh!” He whined.

”Don’t Ooooooooh me! And brush your teeth and get ready for bed Hugo!” said Marge.

Homer wearily agreed to read the kids a bedtime story before bed.

“Wait hold up I don’t want nightmares about the bloody hangman again.” said Bart.

“Or the hash sling slasher.” said Lisa. “I say we pick a bed partner we have a common interest in to read a bed time story together.”

“I want something intellectual like H G Wells, The Time Machine.” said Hugo.

Bart snored loudly and rudely to show his disproval.

“Well I like the idea of something intellectual Hugo. We’re bunk mates tonight.” said Lisa.

“I like blood and Monsters. Just don’t go Wes Craven again tonight Dad.” said Bart.

“Well I like fuzzy bunnies and bear cubs with big wet shiny noses! And cuteness!” said Oscar.

“Fine, you can sit with the babies tonight...” said Bart.


Marge was in the master room reading Maggie, Eric and Oscar sickly cute bed time stories.

Homer was telling Bart scary stories about monsters and violent serial killers.

And Lisa and Hugo were reading Ray Bradbury books.

“And the Doobries did the happy happy dance and had dewberry stew.” Marge read her story.

“And little did she know it was the dreaded scraping of the hash sling slasher! Mwuhahahaha!” Homer laughed evilly.

Lisa and Hugo both out loud read from Ray Bradbury’s A Sound of Thunder.

Some guys time travelled back to the time dinosaurs were still alive to go on a dinosaur hunting safari but a guy got scared of the tyrannosaurus and ran off the path and stepped on a butterfly and changed the future.

Plot 3[]

The next day Lisa was screaming as pigeons flew after her.

“Eeeeeew! No! No! Aaaaaaagh!”

Bart and Hugo laughed evilly as they tormented her with Hugo’s surviving pigeons.

“Bart! Hugo! Stop teasing your sister!” Marge told them off.

At lunch Bart was feeding Ray blended worms.

“Uh...didn’t Raphael explain say this was one of his carrier pigeons?” Oscar asked.

“Yes, and I gave Ray the opportunity to fly back home but he wouldn’t. He likes me now.” said Bart.

“Bart you can’t keep someone else’s pet. I let this slide with Santa’s little Helper. But Raphael will want his pigeon back.” said Oscar.

“No he doesn’t. He’s not bothered about Ray otherwise he’d come and get him...” said Bart.

“Oh...” said Oscar.

Then something broke through Bart’s bedroom window. A small white talking mouse called Stuart Little.

“No Oz!” said Bart whining.

“Awwwww but it would be hilarious! Pigeon and a talking mouse?” said Oscar.

“No Oz!” said Bart.

“Loooooook! I’m a talking mouse!” said Stuart Little.

Oscar laughed.

Bart sighed at Oscar’s silliness.


The Simpsons went to an ostrich farm to teach Santa’s little Helper not to attack birds.

“While we’re here we could teach the cat not to hurt birds too.” said Hugo.

Snowball II hissed and screeched.

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen Hugo...” said Bart.

They were also there to watch Don Knotts die from too many ostriches.

“Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there’d only be a few! This is a terrible vacation!” said Don Knotts.

“Oh my god those Ostriches are devouring Alvin Hall!” Homer screamed.

“No Dad! They’re just playfully pecking at his buttons and suit! Hahahaha! Look at him! It bit his ear!” said Bart laughing hysterically as Ostriches annoyed Alvin Hall as he spoke about saving money while surrounded by ostriches.

“Well whattya know! Ostriches don’t hide their heads in the ground!” said Oscar.

“No. That’s an urban legend Oscar. A silly misconception.” said Lisa.

“This is a cool fact Oz. Ostriches have razor sharp talons they can kick with in self defence! They can disembowel you with one slice from those claws like a velociraptor can!” said Hugo.

“Eep!” Oscar gulped.

Then the Simpsons were annoyed to encounter the ostrich voiced by John Challis.

“Hellooooo ladies!” said the ostrich despite his manly voice he had female plumage.

“Go away Colin!” said female sounding ostrich chicks. “Yeah, go away!” The song Single ladies by Beyoncé was playing inexplicably.

“I’ll catch you later ladies!” said Colin the ostrich.

“No you won’t!” said the ostrich chicks.

The Simpsons grimaced at this odd scene.

Lisa was playing with the ostrich chicks when Hugo threw bird seed on her. Pigeons landed on her.

“Aaaaaaaagh!” Lisa screamed.

Hugo and Bart laughed and high fived each other.

“Pigeons eh... we get loads of them in England.” said Oscar.

“Yes, you’re swamped with pigeons Limey boy.” said Bart.