Homer's Phobia The Simpsons meet a gay shopkeeper running an antiques store and Homer finds him fun to hang around with. However when he learns he's gay he becomes very homophobic! Especially when he has concern for Bart's masculinity...
Bart is in the basement with his friends playing a lottery with actual money. Bart is using the dryer to spin the lotto balls. However a shoe Ralph put in there gets stuck and the dryer goes crazy!
Bart tries to switch it off but it rumbles across the basement ripping itself from the wall. The gas pipe ignites from a spark starting a fire!
Everyone runs out the attic.
"No refunds!" said Bart as he followed them.
Sometime later Marge and Homer received a very expensive repair bill.
"Grrrrrr! Boy! What did you do now??" Homer yelled and strangled Bart.
"I guess we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again..." Marge sighed.
Sometime later Homer is dragging a very heavy jar of money out with him. However he drops it and it goes through the ground leaving a deep pit as it goes through the earth.
"Uh oh! Erm China?" Homer asks China for his money back.
Inside Marge wasn't happy.
"You lost our money and made a hole in the front yard all the way to China?!" Marge was frustrated. "This is worse than the time you sold the family cow for magic beans..."
Oscar is playing Bart and the beanstalk on his gameboy.
They then try to find some stuff to sell. Marge decides to sell an antique civil war statue that belonged to her grandmother Bambi. It has a confederate flag!
"Mom, are you sure you want to get rid of that?" Lisa asked.
"I'm sure our ancestors would have wanted us to have heating and hot water." Marge replied.
"Besides Lisa, it has a confederate flag on it!" Oscar waved the statue in her face.
"Oscar! Careful with that!" Marge took back the statue.
They went to the mall.
In the mall they went to a shop ran by a man called John. He examined Marge's statue but explained it wasn't as valuable as she thought and it's not a statue but a liquor bottle with liquor still inside.
"Oh that's some strong liquor!" said John as he poured himself a cup and drank some.
"Well that explains Grandma Bambi’s secret drinking habit..." Marge sighed.
“Yeah well being named after a Disney character does that to you...” said Hugo.
"Oh nuts! Secret alcohol! And it's gone!" Oscar sighed.
Meanwhile Skinner was annoyed by the store assistant's cheery personality. He wanted some neutral war badges.
"We have these buttons. They're kooky and fun!" said the assistant.
"That's it! You just talked yourself out of a sale young lady!" Skinner stormed out.
Meanwhile, Bart had something to show Lisa.
"Look Lisa! Pogo stilts! They're banned in all fifty states!" Bart explained.
"Even Hawaii?" Lisa asked.
One of the stilts sprung away and flew over into the next aisle. "Oops!" said Bart. Homer screamed in pain.
"Ow! What the hell?!"
Bart looked sheepish hoping Homer didn't find out where the pogo stilt came from.
Homer found something that he thought was too expensive."Look at this boxed toy gun! Five hundred dollars?!"
"Oh but look at it! The cartoon box art! Doesn't that just scream tragic to you?" John asked.
"It's a dumb cartoon box. You're a grown man, why does that Interest you?!" Homer asked.
"Haven't you heard of the hilariously tragic? The Tragically hilarious?" John asked.
Homer was confused. "Oh like when a clown dies..."
"Sort of. I mean like an inflatable chair or a big bean bag. I mean why not just buy a chair?" said Jonn.
"Hey you should come round ours! We have all sorts of tragic but hilarious crap!" said Homer.
"Ooooh! Are you inviting me?" said John in a mincing tone.
"Of course. Let's say five o clock." said Homer.
"Certainly you old bear!" John giggled.
"Then it's a date!" said Homer. Hmmmm, I've never been called a bear before... the boy calls me a gorilla all the time...
At Home Marge was getting everything ready for John. She was making little pimento face cookies!
"There, little pimento face cookies!" Marge said to Maggie. Then the doorbell rang.
"Just a sec!" Marge went to get the door. Maggie grabbed the spray cheese can and stuffed it in her mouth and sprayed the cheese to eat it.
"What a lovely door bell!" said John as Marge let him in.
He went to the living room and took photos of everything. "This house is full of adorable things! This rug, the bunny ears on the TV..."
"Who are you and why are you in my house?" Homer asked forgetting he had personally invited John.
"Oh! This lamp! The boat painting! Aw! The 2 point 4 children..." said John.
"Uh... actually make that 3 point 4 John... Bart's friend found out about our other son Hugo..." said Marge. "We really need an upto date family photo..."
"I'm the crazy twin they locked in the attic..." said Hugo.
"Hugo!" Marge told him off.
John then checked out the kitchen.
"Oh! You have the same curtains I chose for my bathroom! Didn't you just die when you saw them?" John asked about the corncob curtains.
"No. I chose chose them because it's a kitchen. You know, kitchen, corn..." Marge replied.
"Oh you!" John gave her a gentle gay shoulder slap.
Marge giggled and returned the gesture.
Bart punched Homer really hard.
"Ow! Why you little!" He strangled Bart.
"Ack! Dad! Dad! Company!" Bart gasped for air.
"Oh erm I'll be just a sec John." Homer took Bart into another room. We can still here him being strangled.
Then John looked through Homer's record album.
"So, anything valuable in there?" Homer asked.
"Of course! Why I could wrap you up like a Christmas present and tie a bow round you!" said John. He put on a record.
"Come on Homer let's dance!"
They both danced.
The family were watching.
"Woe Dad seems to really like John!" said Lisa.
"Yes..." Marge replied wondering when to tell him that John might be gay.
Homer roughly nudged John with his butt. Which can get you arrested in Dubai.
"Oh Homer! You're the living end!" said John with a giggle.
"Oh you!" Homer replied thinking it was friendly banter.
Marge gasped in shock. He used gay banter! And Homer responded!
The next morning Marge and Lisa were up early drinking coffee. Homer came in.
"We should have John over again! He was fun!" said Homer.
"Homer, didn't John seem rather festive?" Marge asked.
"So? Hey! Why don't we invite him and his wife over for dinner..." Homer replied.
"Um, I don't think he has a wife." Marge replied.
"Oh a bachelor hey? Don't worry Casanova Homer will set him up with one of the many single ladies of Springfield!" said Homer.
"Uh I think he prefers the company of men..." Marge replied.
"Who doesn't?" said Homer fetching a chocolate donut to dip in his morning coffee.
"Homer..." Marge was unsure how to break it to him. "John is a homo-"
"Yeah..." Homer nodded.
"Sexual." said Marge.
Homer suddenly realised and screamed. "Oh my god! Oh my god! I danced with a gay!" He panicked. "You cannot tell anyone.
"Dad relax!" Lisa sighed.
"You liked him this morning! What's changed now?!" Marge asked.
"Now we can't ever say only straight people have ever been in this house!" Homer ranted.
"Dad you're being homophobic!" Lisa yelled.
"I'm not! I just don't like the way he is being so sneaky with his sexuality! I like my beer ice cold and my TV loud and my gays flaming!" He said flaming in a camp tone and did the hand gesture.
"He does have a point. Flaming cartoon gays are funny!" said Oscar.
"No they're not! How is someone's sexuality funny?" Lisa asked.
"Well, John's taking us out for the day! And we're all going!" Marge yelled. Angry at Homer's sudden bigotry.
"Well I'm not! And not because he's gay! It's because he's not camp enough! He should at least be wearing a feather boa! Or tight leather clothes with spikes and a hat!" Homer retorted.
John soon arrived. They could tell because he had a gay car horn. Outside he was sitting in a roofless car with zebra print seats.
He made a gun gesture at Homer and said "Zzzzzap!"
Homer gasped in horror.
"Look if you want to stay in and sulk all day then fine! But we're going!" Marge scolded Homer. During the transition/commercial break everyone got up and had breakfast and got bathed and dressed somehow.
"Don't let him turn the boys!" Homer yelled.
"Oh Homer, you're the living end!" said Bart in a camp way.
Marge took the kids out. Homer was watching from behind the curtains.
"So Homer's not coming?" John asked.
"No, don't ask..." Marge sighed as they got in John's car.
Bart found an evil robot Santa from Futurama. "Cooool! Where did you get the evil Santa robot?"
"From Japan. Over there they call him annual gift man." said John. "Isn't he adorably evil and menacing?"
"Uh sure..." said Bart.
John took them into town.
"That's where Kent Brockman got pulled over for a DUI." Said John. The Simpsons minus Homer made ooooo! sounds. "There's where Loopy Louise bought the toilet she drowned herself in..."
"That was a killer tour John!" said Bart as they had stopped in a cafe for a break.
"Yeah, I didn't know so many celebrities had such embarrassing moments on our own doorstep!" said Marge.
"Isn't it just?" said John stirring his latte.
Suddenly Mr Smithers appeared.
"Waylon! I'd like you to meet the Simpsons!" said John.
"I know the Simpsons..." Smithers said annoyed. "So this is your sick mother?!" Obviously John was supposed to be going out with him but ditched him at the last minute.
"Oh Waylon..." John giggled as Smithers stormed off.
"Wow! You're going out with Mr Smithers?!" Bart asked.
"Well, not technically. Poor guy's still trapped in the closet..." said John.
"I am not!" Smithers yelled across the cafe.
”Yes you are! Now just ask Mr Burns out already!” said Oscar.
The Simpsons except Homer had shakes or tea with John the gay owner of Cockamamies’s emporium.
Homer ruining his day out over his ridiculous homophobia sat in the living room watching Magnum PI. “Aaaaaaaah... Thomas Magnum... now that’s a real man...”
“I hear you boy! Your mother was smitten with that ragged haired Joe Namath... his sideburns made him look like a girl! Now Johnny Unitas! Now that was a buzz cut you could set your watch too!” said Abe.
”I don’t know... sorta looks like he’s spent a stint in the army... the army is pretty tough and manly right?” Homer asked.
Grampa gasped and nearly swallowed his false teeth. “Brhrhfhalachaaa! Boy! The army is the most manly place ever! Of course they’re it allowed to ask you if you’re queer anymore... for some reason...”
They soon got home, Homer was full of questions.
"What happened? What did he say? He didn't give you gay did he?!" Homer asked.
"Ugh! Homer your so blinded by your homophobia you don't even know what you're worrying about anymore!!" Marge yelled before going upstairs.
"Hey Daaaad, look what I've got!" said Bart. John had given him the over priced toy space blaster from his shop. "Zzzzap! Zzzap! Zzzzzap!" Bart made zap sounds that triggered Homer.
Homer gasped in horror.
Later Homer was lying down watching the TV when Bart walked past wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Agh! It burns!
"Bart!" Homer grabs Bart by his shirt and yanks him back to interrogate him. "Where did you get that shirt?!"
"Dunno, it came out of the closet." said Bart.
"Oh." Homer was worried.
”Homer that’s gay slang...” said Oscar.
"Hey! Cool shirt Bart!" said Quiffy wearing a red Hawaiian shirt with yellow palm trees. "I knew you'd join the Hawaiian shirt side!"
"Uh thanks. But we're not doing Hawaiian shirt Friday at school! So get that idea out of your head!" Bart replied as he ran after Quiffy.
It was dinner time. After dinner Marge had bought two kinds of cakes for dessert. Chocolate ones and pink ones!
"And for dessert I've got cakes! Both kinds!" said Marge.
Bart got the first pick. Homer was watching what he'd pick. He nodded when Bart hovered over the chocolate ones but shook his head nervously when he hovered over the pink ones. Bart picked a pink one. Homer gasped in horror.
That night Homer was chewing his pillow.
"Homer I can hear you chewing your pillow! What's wrong?!" Marge asked.
"It's Bart. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! A Hawaiian shirt!" Homer cried. "There are only two kinds of guys who wear those! Gays and big fat party animals! And Bart's not a big fat party animal..."
"Hey!" said Quiffy as he passed their open doorway.
"Go to bed!" Homer groaned.
"So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt it wouldn't be gay?!" Marge asked in a cross tone.
"Yeah." said Homer.
"Goodnight Homer..." Marge turned off the lights and went to sleep.
The next morning after he had got dressed Homer went downstairs to hear Cher music. He sung along until he saw something in the lounge that made him scream.
“You’re not listening to what I’m saying... Ooooh if you wanna know, if he loves me soooooo... It’s in his kiss...” Cher in black and white film singing with three backing singer girls in Edna from Hairspray wigs.
”Hmmmmm! Cher! Doo doo doo... Aaaaaaagh!”
Bart was dancing to Cher's Shoop Shoop song wearing Marge's Edna wig from that Hairspray musical night they went to.
"Bart!" Homer snarled like he used to in the earlier episodes as he snatched the wig off of him.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Marge had invited John over for tea. He had bought cactus candy. Mmmm! Pointy!
"You!" Homer yelled holding the Edna from Hairspray wig.
"Homer look! John brought cactus candy!" said Marge.
”Mmmmmmmmmmm... pointy...” Oscar drooled.
"I want you to out of my house and away from my family!" Homer yelled.
"Oh lord..." Marge sighed and face palmed.
"Well now you don't get any candy." said John. "Nah, that's cruel. Have a teensy bit."
"No!" said Homer.
"Homer what's your problem with me..." John asked.
"I dunno, it's your way of life! There should be a law against it!" Homer ranted.
"Homer stop it! You're being offensive!" Marge yelled.
"Uh uh, let him speak Marge." said John.
"You've taken the navy and turned it into a big, fat Village People joke! You've ruined the manliest names! Bruce, Lance, Julian! Now they're just..." Homer continued his rant.
"Queer?" John replied.
"Yeah and another thing! I resent your kind using that word! That's our word for making fun of you guys lightheartedly without resulting to open bigotry! We need that!"
"Are you done Homer..." John asked.
"No, now I'm taking my sons to straighten them out! You may have turned Bart but you won't have them both!"
Homer had taken Bart and Hugo for a drive.
"Dad where are we going?" Bart asked.
"A few places to straighten you boys out!" Homer replied. "By tomorrow you'll both be regular Burt Reynolds!"
"Dad what are you talking about?" Bart asked.
“Blllehfhgntrhgheh?” Hugo blurted in gibberish.
"We're just going to a couple of good old fashioned manly places. Father and sons!" Homer out his hand on Bart's shoulder.
"Careful! Your arms on his shoulder too long!" said Homer's brain to him.
Homer suddenly pulled his arm away and screamed.
"Oh great like that didn't look suspicious!" said Homer's brain.
"Shut up brain!" Homer yelled.
Homer stopped on green of a freeway and took out two deck chairs.
"Now you two sit here and stare at that cigarette poster."
"For how long?" Bart asked.
"I dunno, I'll check on you in a bit.
Bart and Hugo sat there bored.
“You know you’re the weird one.” said Bart.
“Bleehghtjhjueh!” Hugo yelled in gibberish.
Homer came back later. Hugo had fallen asleep.
"Well, how'dya feel?" Homer asked. "Hey! Wake up freaky!"
Bart woke Hugo up. "I dunno. Kinda want a cigarette." Bart replied.
"That's a start. What brand?" Homer asked.
"Anything Slim!" said Bart.
Homer went D'oh!"
Homer took them to Axel's Steel mill.
"Bart, Hugo this is, what's your name fella?" Homer asked.
"Rosco." said the Foreman.
"Rosco here is gonna show you how to real American men work!" said Homer.
"Why would you do that...?" Bart asked.
"You'll thank me on your wedding night!" Homer growled in his ear.
“Ughgloo?” Hugo asked.
They went to the main room of the mill.
"Hey boys! Say hi to the Simpsons!" said Rosco to his workers.
"Heeeeeeellllloooo!" said the workers in a very gay manner.
Oscar in a cutaway panel was sitting in a chair in Bart's room laughing.
"Get outta this scene Pointy!" said Homer and Oscar left. Homer was horrified that it was a gay steel mill.
A worker slapped his companion at the furnace. "Hold still! You've got a spark in your hair!" said the blond gay.
"Put it out! Put it out!" The other gay danced about.
Homer was even more unnerved.
"Hot stuff coming through!" said a buff guy wearing speedos carrying a container of molten steel.
"Dad! Why did you take us to a gay steel mill?!" Bart asked.
"I don't know!" Homer started crying. "You're all sick!"
"Oh be nice!" said a gay worker.
"The whole world's gone gay! My sons don't stand a chance!" Homer lamented. Suddenly a horn whistled.
'What's that?!" Homer asked. It means Fred Flintstone can go home you dingus!
"We work hard, we play hard!" said Rosco, the steel mill turned into a night club! All the men were dancing.
"Ooooooh!" Homer cried as he covered Bart's eyes and took his twin boys home. "Hugo cover your eyes! I've only got one pair of hands!"
Homer was at Moe's that evening.
"And the steel mill was gay!" Homer sighed.
"Homer the whole steel industry has always been gay! Where have ya been?!" Moe replied.
"And theatre!" said Barney.
"And those MTV programs ain't gonna straighten your boys out either!" said Moe. "Yer used to send your sons to war to straighten them out but now there's no Wars! Thanks UN!" Moe ranted.
"How about shooting deer? That's like shooting a beautiful man!" said Barney.
"A man with antlers!" Barney suddenly corrected himself.
They went to the hunting store the next day. Homer was angry to find John hanging about with his family again.
He growled like he used to in the old episodes.
"Marge I'm taking the boys hunting to straighten them out!"
"Oh lord! Homer you've never hunted anything in your life and you're straight!" Marge ranted.
"Oh really? When's the last time we had a baby?" Homer asked.
"Oh dear, something's gonna die..." said John.
"Stay outta this!" Homer yelled.
"Look, that hat looks awful. Why not wear this? (He gives Homer a Stetson hat that a possibility gay celebrity wore)" said John.
"No keep your fruity hat!" said Homer.
"Dad this is barbaric! How does killing a defenceless animal make you more of a man?" Lisa asked.
"It just does! Come on boys!" Homer yanked Bart and Hugo out of the arcade machine they were in.
"Huuuurk!" was Bart's And Hugo’s gulps from being grabbed.
Homer and his friends were taking Bart and Hugo somewhere.
"Where are we going? Are you gonna teach me how to drive?" Bart asked.
"Yeah like twinkle toes can drive..." Moe ranted quietly.
"You'll see when we get there." said Homer.
"Uh oh. Homer your midge is following us with her toy boy..." said Moe.
Marge was in her car angrily beeping her horn.
"Ah! Drive faster!" said Homer.
They drove off faster.
"Oh!" Marge sounded annoyed.
Meanwhile in Moe's car.
"Dad, where are we going and why are we avoiding Mom..." Bart asked.
"Your old man is taking you hunting. Won't that be swell?" Moe asked.
"I dunno, something about a bunch of guys hanging in the woods, seems kind of gay..." said Bart.
"...That's a very immature attitude young man!" Homer told him off.
Hugo growled in gibberish.
”Why are you here?!” Homer yelled.
Because you didn’t want John turning him either...
”Oh.” said Homer.
Bart, Hugo and Homer and his friends were in the woods drinking beers. (Except Bart and Hugo who had colas).
"Now my car can only hold six carcasses so only shoot trophy worthy bucks!" said Moe.
Eventually it was night and the men were bored and drunk. They even drew a smiley face on a tree! Hehehe!
"It's no use, come on Homer let's call it a night..." Moe sighed.
"But Bart's not even..." Homer replied.
"Homer..." Moe explained Bart and Hugo were sleeping.
They drove home disappointed.
"Cheer up Homer, how about we take out Lisa and make her shoot deer?" Moe asked.
"She won't go! She's a vegetarian!" said Homer.
"Eh? Ah geez! You and Marge ain't cousins are you?!" Moe asked.
"No... Let's just go home.." Homer groaned.
Suddenly Moe saw a sign for Santa's village. A reindeer petting zoo. He smiled. "Cheer up Homer, Christmas has come early!" He took the car to the Santa's village apparently.
At home. Marge and her daughters and John were in the kitchen wondering where Homer could have gone.
"I think Dad said something about taking Bart and Hugo to shoot a deer." said Lisa.
"Deer?! Hohoho! They migrated up north long ago!" said John. "The only thing local that's even remotely deer is..."
Moe arrived at the Santa's village. It was closed for the season. He didn't care though as he drove through the entrance gate knocking it down.
There was a pen of reindeer.
"Wake up boy, your old man found us some deer." said Homer waking up Bart. Moe woke up Hugo.
"Dad these are reindeer! I'm not gonna shoot a bunch of reindeer in a pen!" said Bart
"Yeah, isn't that like, illegal?" said Hugo.
"Do as you're told! Kill Rudolf!" said Homer giving Bart a gun.
"But Daaaaaad!" Bart started to cry. Aaaaaaw!
"Oh here come the waterworks..." Moe sighed.
"Bart I'm gonna turn my back and when I turn round again I wanna see a bunch of dead reindeer!" Homer ranted.
"But I don't wanna kill Rudolf! Waaaaaaaaaa!" Bart started crying like a baby. So did Hugo,
"Homer J Simpson!!" Came Marge's angry voice.
Homer made a Curly gulp.
"This ends here! Tonight! You will get over your homophobic obsession against John or I don't think I can stay married to you!" Marge yelled getting out of John's car and marching up to him.
"D'oh! You're really pushing it, baby!" Homer growled under his breath.
"I'm taking our boys home! If you wanna stay out making a jackass of yourself that's fine!" Marge took Bart and Hugo home.
They drove off.
"Ho boy! Someone's in the dog house!" said Moe.
In John's car.
"Mom are you and Dad gonna divorce?" Bart asked having stopped crying.
"I dunno dear." said Marge.
"Why is Dad making us do manly things and shoot Rudolf?" Hugo asked.
"He thinks you're both gay." Lisa explained.
"He thinks I'm gay?!" said Bart. The riff to Everybody dance now! played.
To be continued! Dun dun dun!