Helter Shelter After visiting a hockey game Lisa brings home a souvenir, but it contains termites! Their home being chewed to pieces by termites they have to leave and find somewhere else to stay.
Homer then has an idea for them to go on a reality show where they line like it's the 1800s. Unfortunately life is boring and miserable. To liven things up the studio hires Squiggy.
At work Homer is happily headed down to lunch when a heavy pipe falls on him concussing him.
"Oh no! This man could sue us!" said Mr Burns. "If he was smart enough!"
"That's Homer Simpson sir, from sector 7 G. He's a complete moron. But I'll smooth things out with thoughtful gift." said Smithers.
At home after he has recovered.
"Woo hoo! First class tickets to a hockey game! And all for just banging my head!" said Homer.
They go to the hockey game. They're welcomed into the VIP entrance. "Right this way Mr Simpson!" The guards politely welcomed him.
Homer was offered refreshments and aftershaves to try. He wanted the whale shaped one.
"Excellent choice sir." A steward sprayed him. Unfortunately it smelt horrible to everyone.
"Who smells like a porpoise's blow hole?!" said Agnes Skinner as Homer passed.
The regular customers were jealous of the treatment Homer and his family were getting.
"What do we get?" Moe asked. He got punched by a guard and thrown in the entrance.
In the VIP area there was an artist painting.
”And professional boxer Larry Holmes!” said Bart. “Hey Larry can I be painted punching you?”
”Sure.” said Larry and he gave the artist a nod to start painting.
Bart was working himself up to hit Larry.
”Oh don’t hit my face, I’ve got a date tonight.” said Larry.
”Where should I hit you then?” Bart asked.
”Oh I don’t know... work the stomach.” said Larry.
Bart hit his stomach repeatedly.
”Mmmmmmmm... that feels good...” said Larry as Bart punches him.
”Oh my goodness! A sushi bar!” Hugo gasped with joy and got himself some sushi.
The Simpsons then took their seats in the first class luxury sky box.
Homer was being rather snooty and offended the others in the stalls below as he ate his sushi. Particularly he annoyed Moe, Lenny and Otto.
"Um Dad, we've got an angry rabble..." said Bart.
Homer tutted. "Why can't they be happy for my privilege?" He poured boiling hot fudge all over them!
"My eyes!" Otto screamed.
Some fell on Moe. "Oh great! This shirt is ruined!"
Lisa was annoyed by Homer and Bart's snootiness.
"If anyone wants me I'll be down up to my ankles in blood with the real fans! In the stands!" said Lisa storming off.
"Suit yourself..." Homer replied.
Lisa went down to the stands and cheered for the Czech Republic team and helped one of the players score with advice.
"Thanks little girl! Here have this token from me!" said the Czech player as he gave her his hockey stick.
Homer fudged Moe again for climbing up at the VIP area to take him down a peg.
”Oh great! And I just got the gum out of my armpits!” Moe ranted covered in fudge.
Lisa came back up only to be incensed because to her annoyance her family wasn’t even watching the game! Mom was having a pedicure and Bart was naked having a back massage.
Lisa growled. “There is a hockey game on!” She stormed off back to the stalls to cheer the Czechs.
During the game a fight broke out and a player got his tooth punched out. Cleatus caught it.
”There you go Gummy Sue! A people tooth!” He out the tooth into his daughter’s gum to replace lost teeth. It was bigger than her other teeth.
”Now I look like Britney Spears!” said Gummy Sue Buckler smiling her crooked missing teeth smile and looking hideous.
Lisa screamed in disgust.
”This is a subpoena for slander from Ms Britney Spears ordering you to retract that remark young lady!” Blue haired Lawyer handed Gummy Sue a subpoena while stood with Britney Spears.
Homer and the rest of the family arrived.
"Come on sweetie, we're going now!" said Homer.
"But the game's only at half time!" said Lisa.
"Yeah but our tickets say who will win anyway. It's a rigged game." said Homer.
The tickets said Springfield Isotopes would win.
"Woo! Go Isotopes!" Lisa cheered.
At Home, Homer nailed Lisa's souvenir to her bedroom wall above the headstand of her bed.
"No Dad! Below the picture of Yendor and the Curious Bear Cub!" Lisa explained.
"How comes Lisa gets a gift?" Bart asked.
"Because she took the time to go off and talk to a stranger." said Homer.
"Your sister getting a gift doesn't hurt you in anyway..." Marge explained.
Homer then nailed in the hockey stick. However the nails came out the other side through Bart's bedroom wall. They went through Bart's head, stomach and crotch on a photo of him he had hanged up.
That night everyone went to sleep.
However during the night, termites chewed their way out of the hockey stick and through the walls...
The next morning Marge was in the kitchen fetching a cup to drink her morning coffee from when she saw Ned Flanders in her cups cupboard!
"Why hi diddly ho Marge! What a beautiful sight this morning!" said Ned as he trimmed his bushes.
"Huh?" Marge was baffled that there was a hole in the house to see Ned from.
Bart came in but the door handle on the kitchen door ripped off in his hand. "Mom, our crap shack is going to hell!"
"Bart! Watch your language!" Marge told him off.
Suddenly Homer sat on a toilet fell through the ceiling and crushed the kitchen table.
"Aggghhh! Don't come in here! Occupied!" Homer screamed hiding behind his newspaper.
Lisa came in but a cupboard door came off in her hand. "I think we've got termites..." she deduced.
Marge and Homer later on after breakfast had a desperate talk in the rumpus room.
"Homer, we need to do something about these termites! They're eating us out of our home!" Marge sighed.
"Don't worry, I'll get someone out!" said Homer.
Suddenly the ceiling gave way under Bart and his lower half was wriggling about. "Um, a little help..." said Bart as his legs wriggled about from a hole in the rumpus room ceiling.
Marge sighed and fetched a broom to poke Bart to help him climb out of the hole he was stuck in. Bart crawled back up and out of the hole.
Eventually the pest controller arrived. He was a Raphael clone. The Raphael pest controller explained they had an infestation of Russian No Goodnick termites. Very voracious and fast breeding.
"Oh no!" Marge gasped. "Can you get rid of them?"
"Lady, to deal with these bugs I must think like a bug, become a bug!" Raphael then gnawed the table.
"Ugh! Why do you always hire the goofy ones..." Marge sighed.
"I go by how funny their logo is!" said Homer. The van had a parody of A bug's life logo reading A bug's death with a dead cartoon ant on it instead.
Raphael explained that he needed to use the good poison, fumigation. So the Simpsons and Oscar had to find somewhere else to live for six months.
"Cool! A circus!" said Jimbo as he and his gang mistook the fumigation tent for a circus and crawled inside. They collapsed from the fumes.
Raphael dragged them out as they sang Doo Doo Doo! Doo doo! Doody doo doo, doo doo! Clown music.
"Relax, six months will pass like (snaps fingers) that!" said Homer. There is then a parody of the King of the Hill theme tune as the Simpsons wait, Homer drinks beer and various locals do things around them such as Ned putting out his rubbish and Patty and Selma driving past.
"This sucks... Let's find a motel..." said Homer.
They went to Moe's.
"Homer we can't stay at Moe's! The alcohol fumes are getting to Maggie and she's a mean drunk!" said Marge.
A drunk Maggie stumbled about and tried to punch Bart. He yelped as she ran at him.
"I tried to use the bathroom but there's rats in there!" Lisa whined.
"Hey Homer's family! I couldn't help over hearing your problem. I've got an apartment you can stay at for a while." said Lenny.
"Well that's lovely Lenny!" said Marge.
They went to Lenny's. He let them in.
"Wait, you're Lenny? I wanted the black one!" Homer whined. He kept confusing his friends Lenny and Carl with each other.
They went inside. It was luxurious and almost too good to be true.
"Wow! This place is enormous! How do you afford to live here?" Homer asked.
Suddenly there was a loud bang and the apartment shook startling everyone except Lenny.
"What was that?!" Marge asked.
"Oh, I live next to a jai alai court. That's why the rent is so cheap!" said Lenny. "I find the vibrations soothing!" He stood in front of the window into next door's jai alai court as the ball was smacked against it repeatedly.
The Simpsons nervously left deciding they couldn't stay here.
They then went to Comic book guy's.
"You've come just in time for my tea party. Beware the paint is still wet on ambassador Farfoon!" said Comic Book guy.
The Simpsons decided they couldn't stay with Comic Book Guy.
They tried a hotel. "Sorry folks all the hotels are booked for the annual Bran convention!" said a desk manager.
"Stupid Bran convention!" Homer ranted.
Meanwhile at a Bran Convention they were discussing adding nut clusters to raisin bran.
"That's heresy!" said a board member.
Back at the Simpsons.
"How about a youth hostel?" Lisa suggested.
"No way! I don't want another lecture from German backpackers about how we don't appreciate the environment!" Bart replied.
"How about that creepy motel over there?" Oscar asked. The camera panned over to Bates Motel.
"No!" said the Simpsons.
They then found Jimmy Carter making houses for the homeless again.
"Mr Carter, can you make us a house? We can't go back to ours for a while!" asked Lisa.
However a three stooges style fight broke out between Jimmy Carter, George Bush Snr and Bill Clinton again.
"Never mind..." Lisa sighed as the drove off.
They soon found themselves back at Moe's.
"I've got just the solution to your problems! They're doing a TV reality show where you can live in a sweet house but the catch is you all have to live like it's 1895!" said Moe.
"Forget it! We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy!" said Homer.
"You could save Mckinnly." Moe replied.
"It's not a time machine Moe!" Homer replied.
"Homer please! We need somewhere to sleep!" Marge begged.
"And I've ran out of tokens for the bathroom and I really have to go!" Lisa begged.
Maggie was threatening Bart with a broken milk bottle.
"Uh, a little help here..." Bart gulped.
"...Fine..." Homer sighed.
The Simpsons signed up for the TV show. They had to wait in a waiting room with many other families.
Meanwhile the executives discovered the current family on air was just Bill Cosby's fictional family, the Huxtables.
"Zip Zop bobbity bop! Pokemon? With the poke and the mon and he makes a fire on the sidewalk! Ah ah ah!" Bill Cosby spoke gibberish.
"Seth McFarlane just predicted with his magic crystal ball that Bill Cosby will be involved in some sort of sex scandal 17 years from now..." said Oscar as the Simpsons were still waiting.
"We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever..." said a TV executive.
The Executives were watching something. Bart's choking sounds meant the Simpsons were being tested.
"I love it! They go to pieces over nothing!" said the lady executive.
"I'll teach you to whistle on the sabbath!" Homer yelled as he strangled Bart.
"They're perfect!" said an executive.
"Where's that boy with my latte!" Homer yelled banging on the one way mirror. "He's not coming! Is he?!" Homer became catatonic.
The executives agreed they were perfect.
The TV executives explained the show rules. They had to dress in 1895 clothes at all times, they had to only buy and use 1895 groceries and the show would provide them with entertainment from 1895.
However Bart wasn't happy with his outfit. "I can't wear this! I look like Buster Brown! Whoever that is..." Bart was wearing a dandyfop boy's outfit with a wide brimmed hat, blond curly wig and a blue frilly shirt and shorts and black shoes with white socks.
Oscar was laughing at him.
"Oh you look adorable Bart!" said Marge.
Jimbo and his gang were at the window making threatening gestures.
"What I wouldn't give for that outfit!" said Jimbo.
"Yeah, those curls are to die for!" said Kerne.
The executives then showed them around the house.
"In here is the only piece of Twenty first century technology!" said an executive.
"Please be a melon baller! Please be a melon baller!" said Marge, crossing her fingers.
"It's a video camera. This is the diary room where you divulge your deepest and darkest thoughts!" said the executive. "Don't worry it's entirely confidential!"
Marge quickly shut her self in there.
"Um he he... Is this thing on? Oh good. Well... my hair isn't really blue!" said Marge. "Aghhhhh! Gimme that tape!" She tried to grab the camera.
Homer found a chamberpot in the bedroom.
"Wow! Did everyone keep old army helmets under their beds back then?" Homer asked putting it on his head...
The executive laughed. "No Homer, it's a chamberpot! You pee in it!"
"Befoul an army helmet! You'd like that wouldn't you, you damn commie!" Homer was cross with him.
Bart got up for breakfast. "Good morning ladies!"
"What's so great about it? Breakfast takes ages to make now! We've been up since five am!" said Marge.
"Well, you should see the trouble Dad's got into with a straight razor!" said Bart.
Homer sat down with pieces of toilet paper stuck to his face to cover cuts.
"Well it says in the news that President Cleveland is.... uuuuuhhhh...." Homer read a newspaper but his wounds started bleeding and he fainted from blood loss.
Cleveland Brown from Family Guy appeared at the window in a president's suit and tie.
"No you weren't president in 1895!" said Peter pushing him off screen.
"I'm sorry..." said Cleveland.
The Simpsons rolled their eyes.
The Simpsons then went to the Kwik e mart. However they had to drive in a coal powered car.
"More coal! Less! More! Less..." Homer gave instructions while dressed in ridiculous clothes and wearing goggles while Bart and Hugo shovelled coal into the car's furnace. "Aaaaand! Perfect!" said Homer as the car gently bumped the wall of the Kwik e mart.
"What a beautiful vehicle you have Simpson!" said Mr Burns pulling up in a similar old timey vehicle.
"Mr Burns! You're on the 1895 show too?" said Homer.
"Uh... yes! That loveable 1895 show!" said Mr Burns.
Meanwhile Marge went in the Kwik e mart to do the weeks shopping. Apu was employed by the show to monitor the Simpsons shopping and that they didn't try to buy contraband items that wouldn't be available in 1895.
"On behalf of the reality show I must check your shopping for any items not from 1895. Oreos, no these are from 1896. Non scarring toilet paper? In your dreams! Urkle-ohs? Delicious but forbidden!" said Apu.
"I'll just take the tampons." said Marge.
"I don't believe they had those in 1895." Apu explained.
"Yes they did right here!" Marge slammed the grocery book on his face. "Keep the change! Twenty three skidoo!" Marge said as she took the tampons home.
Marge then had a fight with the executives over the tampoms. However she wrenched them from the security guards and locked herself in the diary room.
"Mrs Simpson... if you don't hand over the tampons your family will be kicked off the show. Immediately." said a TV crew member.
"Wait let's not be so hasty George." said an executive. He then called off the security and let Marge keep the tampons.
However this costed them fans in the elderly and the history buffs.
”There were most certainly not any tampons in 1895!” The history museum caretaker from Lisa the Iconoclast ranted. “Or Oreos!!”
Oscar dressed as a Victorian child was eating Oreos on set.
”Oscar you have to clean out the chimney. No child labour laws in the 1800s” said Homer giving him a chimney sweep brush.
”Kallae Kistnae... Galahoooooooo!” Oscar ranted in gibberish as he climbed up the chimney to sweep and clean it of soot.
That night Homer was feeling frisky.
"The kids are in bed and Maggie's in her cage..." said Homer. "Let me wuther your heights..."
"Oooooh! Let me just get off my 1895 undergarments." said Marge seductively blowing out the candles.
We hear funny sounds like clothes being torn and wood being sawn and metal being dropped...
Homer relighted a lamp to show Marge was wearing a suit of medieval armour... uh...
In his room Oscar went to potty in the chamber pot. “I’m used to using a potty anyway.”
The next morning Bart was miserable. He was in the diary room.
"This place is miserable! I miss my toys, my video games... Mutt and Jeff comics aren't funny! They're gay! I get it!" Bart groaned before raising his voice.
"Bart! What have your mother and I told you about using that word! Now hurry up I need to go in there!" Homer yelled. "Oh! I can't hold it! I hate this house!"
"Ugh! Bread tastes like clothes!" Lisa groaned.
”Stop eating my pantaloons!” Bart yelled, pulling his pantaloons out of the bread making machine.
"I'm so cold!" Hugo said while shivering.
"All of you stink so much!" Marge said while wafting the air.
Meanwhile they were being watched by the residents of the Springfield Castle retirement home.
"I love this show. I wanna see who dies first!" said Jasper.
Back in the 1895 house.
"We can't give up now! We're on TV! And when you're on TV you dig in your claws and you never let go!" said Homer. "Just like Bill Moyers!"
"Ok Homie..." Marge sighed. They tried to better adapt to living in 1895.
There was a musical montage with silly music of them adapting to the 1890s.
Marge and Lisa were putting peaches in jars for the pantry, but Homer kept eating them.
Lisa then helped Marge put on a corset but she found her feet were swollen in a cartoony manner.
Bart then found much to his joy he could telegram Moe. He sent a prank telegram.
"Haywood U Cuddleme? I'm looking for a Heywood U Cuddleme? Hey big guy in the back! Would you cuddle me?" Moe asked.
The tough fella gave him an angry look.
Moe then realised and made an angry grunt before going to his telegraph machine to send a reply.
"Listen here you little! I'm going to drive a golden spike where your union meets your Central Pacific stop!" Moe recited his message as he typed it.
Bart and Oscar laughed hysterically as they read it.
That evening Bart was helping Marge knit/crochet by holding the yarn.
"More cod liver oil dear?" Marge asked him.
"Yes Mom." Bart replied. Marge fed him some cod liver oil which tasted horrible. "Wow! And I felt I was regular before!"
"And I'm working so hard I'm too tired to worry about the world!" said Lisa doing the washing. "And I will settle down and marry one of father's wealthy business associates!"
"Oh I really wish you'd reconsider the proposal from Hiram Beatwife." said Homer.
"He's betrothed to Martha Takeapunch!" said Marge.
Oscar laughed hysterically. "Aaaa!hahahaha!"
"Oscar, spousal abuse isn't funny!" Marge scolded him.
"But their names! Aaaa!hahahaha!" Oscar was still laughing.
Meanwhile the executives weren't happy.
"We're losing views in the elderly!" said an executive.
At Springfield Castle retirement home.
"This show is boring!" Jasper switched over. They watched the censored version of Gone With The Wind.
Back at the reality show.
"We have to do something!" said an executive. They called a meeting.
"I've got it! It might be crazy but it will work! Just like it did last week on that other programme! We hire the biggest star from the 70s who's phone hasn't been disconnected!" said an executive.
The doorbell rang. Marge answered it.
"Hello." said Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley.
"Squiggy?!" Marge asked.
Soon Squiggy had joined the family for lunch.
"Why is the guy from Laverne and Shirley living with us?" Lisa asked.
"Because nobody's watching you clowns!" said Squiggy. "You're all too calm and happy! If you ask me the essence of drama is conflict! That's why they gave me this!" Squiggy had a taser. He started zapping Homer with it.
Homer screamed as he was being electrocuted.
"Coooooool! Let me try!" said Bart.
At lunch Hugo wanted more.
”Mooooooooooore?!” said the fat evil git from Oliver Twist while all the orphanage accountants and bookkeepers gorged on food.
Meanwhile the Executives were watching.
"It's not working... Everybody look through your portable TV sets for ideas before we're screwed..." said an executive.
A female executive found something. "Everyone turn to channel 220!"
"Yes! Yes! I love it!" said the head executive.
During the night a helicopter pulled the house away off its furnishings. Meanwhile Squiggy was on the couch talking in his sleep.
"Hello, Laverne. Hello, Laverne. Hello, Laverne." He snored as they were whisked away by helicopter.
The next morning.
"Goodbye everyone! I'm going out to the blacksmith to get my teeth pulled!" said Homer as he went out the door, but he fell into a river.
"Dad!" Lisa yelled.
Homer spluttered and tried to tread water.
"Lisa! Explain!" Homer tried to stay afloat.
"I guess the show was getting stale so the Executives tried to jazz it up by putting our lives in danger!" Lisa replied.
"Marge! Throw me an old timey rope in an old timey way!" Homer yelled.
"This rope is made from handlebar moustaches!" said Marge as she threw the rope and pulled Homer to safety.
Homer once he was back in the house ran to the diary room.
"You monsters! I didn't agree to this! Unless it was on a contract clearly labelled with a red badge!" said Homer.
"Which you did like so." said the executives holding a contract with a red badge.
"Where do you get those things?!" Homer asked.
Suddenly the house crashed into something and collapsed. The Simpsons and Oscar dug themselves out of the rubble.
"Our home! Our stuff! Homer's braces, Squiggy! They're all gone!" Marge lamented.
"Nooooooo! Squiggy!" Oscar cried as Squiggy lied lifeless in Marge's arms.
"Homer your strop! Your strooooop!" Marge cried.
"I haven't cried this much since..." Homer asked.
"You wore your shirt on backwards?" Bart asked.
"Oh yeah. Ow the tag! It chafed so much!" Homer cried.
"And cut! That was beautiful! But now it's time for lunch." said the executive.
"Do we get lunch?" Homer asked.
"No! In fact destroy any leftovers! We can't interfere with the show!" said the director.
The Simpsons and Oscar went into the forest defeated.
"Who wants bugs?" Homer asked.
Suddenly people appeared brandishing flags and spears. Homer thought they were primitive savages.
"Savages! I'll handle this!" said Homer. "Me take your land. You give gold."
"We're not savages, I'm a paralegal from Cleveland." said a bearded man.
"And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe." said a lady.
"We we on a survivor series but we failed the last task." said another guy.
"I just couldn't eat anymore kangaroo testicles!" said a man with sunglasses.
"So the TV crew just abandoned us!" said the second man.
"The odd thing is now I can't get enough of them!" The sunglasses guy added.
"Marge I'm getting through to them!" said Homer.
"Oh Homer!" said Marge proudly.
"Now we're going to fight back and teach your film crew a lesson!" said the leader. "Will you join us?"
"Sure! I can't wait to whack some of those snooty bas-" said Homer.
"Homer!" Marge told him off for swearing.
The crew were having lunch.
"How difficult is it just to get some cocktail sauce in the middle of the Amazon?" asked a director.
Suddenly the savages rushed over the hill brandishing spears and slingshots. There was a violent battle, many crew members died.
Homer then tried to drop a huge boulder on the crew helicopter.
"No Homer! No! That's our ride home!" Marge yelled.
"But... ugh! Boulder is rather heavy! Okay..." Homer was pushed into the ground with sickening crunching sounds from his bones breaking as the boulder squashed him. "That Lenny sure had a crazy apartment."
The Simpsons were finally back home at 7 42 Evergreen Terrace.
"It's great to be home. Now no more reality TV!" said Homer. "Let's see what's on!"
Law and Order Elevator inspector's unit was on.
"Well, here's the thing chief. The third floor button's light is out!" said an inspector.
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" said the chief.
"Awww! Crap! TV is ruined!" Homer groaned.
"How about we read books?" Lisa asked.
"If we read books we could form a club!" said Marge.
"If we formed a club we could serve drinks!" said Bart.
Then they decided it would be more fun to watch Homer drink out of a hose.
Bart kept turning the hose off and when Homer put the hose up to his eye to ponder where the water had gone Bart would turn on the hose again. Squirting Homer with water!
Everyone laughed at Homer's stupidity.