Guess who's coming to critise Dinner? Homer becomes a food critic. However he's too nice so one of his fellow critics convinces him of how to give bad reviews as well as nice ones. However Homer goes too far and is extremely rude to everyone resulting in Lisa quitting as his typist and every restaurant owner plotting to have him murdered...
Plot
At the school a school trip to the Springfield Shopper was about to start.
"I hope you kids are all excited about our school trip to and from the Springfield Shopper." said Skinner. "While you're gone I'll be removing all the asbestos and the word evolution from the school!"
Bart and Lisa gasped in horror.
"Oh no! Mr Flanders must have got control over the last PTA meeting! We need science and logic!" Lisa lamented.
"And part of my pledge as Student body president was to bring more asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos!" Bart replied. He started a more asbestos chant again.
"Bart!" Oscar yelled.
Groundskeeper Willie cane out wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and holding a beaker of margarita.
"Wooooo! Margarita time! Oh they're still here..." said Willie.
"That's a nice shirt Willie." said Quiffy.
"No it's not!" said Bart. "Hawaiian shirts are never going to be a thing!"
Quiffy frowned at him.
"Anyway, everyone find a field trip buddy and stay together." said Skinner.
"Speaking of which, I haven't seen Uter since our last school trip..." said Bart.
"Uter? Who's Uter?" Skinner chuckled. "Uter. That's a funny name..."
"Dad? I'm glad you're helping out, but how did you get out of work?" said Lisa to Homer who was waiting by his car.
"Oh I got a friend covering for me..." said Homer.
Homer had constructed a crude dummy with a tape playing him singing "I work for the money! So much money! Money money money!"
Mr Burns came in.
"Now that's a spirited worker! A smile on his face and a song in his heart!" said Mr Burns. "Smithers promote him!"
The Homer dummy was in a high tech office still singing. However the tape went backwards and the dummy caught fire.
"I'm surprised Dad managed to construct a working effigy of himself whereas Mom's..." Bart had a flashback.
One day when he was a toddler and Lisa was just a baby Homer had to go away with work. Marge decided to cheer them up with a crude effigy of Homer made of balloons with a tape recorder playing his voice.
"Hello Bart and Lisa! Dady loves yoooouhuyuuuubhthhjjjjgghthg!" The tape went crazy in high pitched rambling.
Baby Bart and Lisa screamed.
Marge tries to reset the tape but bursts the balloons making up the Homer effigy. Bart and Lisa scream again. A glove lands on Bart's head as he screams.
The flashback ends with Bart shivering.
"Hey! So what if your mom isn't very good at making effigies!" Homer told Bart off.
...
Homer drove Bart, Lisa, Nelson and Milhouse to the Springfield Shopper Newspaper corporate headquarters.
"I spy with my little eye... something beginning with... D!" said Milhouse.
"Dingus!" said Nelson clubbing on the head. Milhouse fell over.
"Nelson!" Bart yelled. "He's my friend! Don't do that!"
"Get less dorky friends then!" said Nelson.
"Thank you Nelson, you're a true hero." said Homer.
"Nah, I'm no hero... I just hit people on the head..." said Nelson.
"Well here we are kids! The Zoo!" said Homer as the pulled up at the zoo.
"Nice one Dad, but we're supposed to be going to the Springfield Shopper!" said Bart.
"D'oh!" Homer screamed. This spooked all the zoo animals and they escaped! A polar bear rode on a moose out of the zoo.
Homer ended up behind an ambulance and was screaming obscenities at it.
"Move you (Beep) (Beep)ing son of a (beep)!"
"Dad! That's an ambulance!" Lisa whined.
"Oh...." said Homer. "Think you're so (beep)ing smart with your (beep)ing sirens and your backward letters?!"
Lisa sighed.
Eventually they arrived at the Springfield Shopper headquarters.
"Well it seems Mr Simpson has finally arrived we can start our tour." said Skinner.
...
"Welcome to the Springfield Shopper! A hundred and eighty three year old newspaper founded by a young boy called Tommy Newspaper!" said the guide pointing to a picture of a boy wearing old fashioned clothes delivering newspapers.
"If he was so successful why is he dead?!" Homer asked.
They were guided through the newspaper office where workers were in the cubicles. a man was taking a call and Gil was dancing for a caller to keep them on the line.
"But you can't even see- Oh well." He started dancing.
Then the guide showed them a comic illustrator. However no one found his comics funny.
The illustrator slammed his head on his desk as they left.
"And here is where we keep Ann Landers and Dear Abby alive perpetually for twenty three hours a day!" said the guide.
"My advice is that either you give us our freedom or let us die!" ranted Ann Landers. Yes the Ann Landers we've heard about makes an appearance finally.
Oscar's face lit up and he rubbed his hands with glee with an evil grin.
"So, you're the Ann Landers." Oscar asked her.
"Yes little boy. Now how about you get us out of here?" said Ann Landers.
"I've always wanted to say one thing to your face." said Oscar.
"Oscar no!" Bart yelled.
"What is it sweetie." said Ann Landers.
"Dad stop him!" Bart yelled.
"Ann Landers, you're a boring old biddy!" said Oscar.
Everyone gasped in horror. Ann Landers had a coronary thrombosis brought on by him calling her that.
The school got kicked out because Oscar insulted Ann Landers. They all had to go back to the school.
"Oh thanks Oscar! Why do you enjoy calling Ann Landers that?!" Bart yelled.
"Tamaki you just earned yourself two weeks detention! I hope you're proud of yourself!" said Skinner.
...
Marge wasn't happy when they got home.
"Hmmmmmmm! Oscar you've got to get that out of your system!" said Marge. "Unfortunately I'm not your mother so I can't do much, how about you just go home and think about your behaviour..."
"Okay... I suppose it wasn't really earning myself two weeks detention over..." said Oscar as he went home.
Later the Simpsons minus Oscar took the fourth grade back to the Springfield Shopper to make up for Oscar ruining the school trip.
"Unfortunately Ann Landers is very sick today because of a naughty little boy insulting her yesterday." said the guide.
"Hey Dad! There's a machine that finds the headlines from the day you were born!" said Bart.
"Who has time for pointless nostalgia?" Homer asked. Suddenly he smelt cake. "I smell cake! Wait, farewell... Sorry you're retiring?!" Homer ran off to find the cake.
"Wow! Your dad has quite the nose Simpson!" said Nelson.
"Oh that's nothing. He can hear pudding!" said Bart.
Meanwhile a food critic was having retirement party.
"Sorry to hear you're retiring." said Mr Editor guy.
"Hmmmmph! What can I say? Except thanks for the champagne that's barely drinkable, pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice cream cake that says why have Baskin Robbins 139 flavours when you can't even get vanilla right!" said the retiring food critic.
"I'm glad I'm not married to her..." said Mr Editor guy.
"What are you talking about?! I'm your wife!" said the food critic.
Homer was eating the party food.
"Excuse me. Why are you ruining my awful retirement party?" said the food critic.
"I ran away from the tour. Okay?" said Homer eating.
"Well at least you like the food." said Mr Editor guy.
"Oh I love food! I like pizza! I love hotdogs!" He picks up pizza and a hotdog.
"We get it." said Mr Editor guy.
"I eat eggplant! I could even eat a baby deer on the lawn! Lalalala! Who's that baby deer on the lawn?!" Homer sung.
"Enough!" Mr Editor guy got annoyed. "Look we've been looking for a food editor that doesn't immediately pooh pooh everything they eat."
"That usually takes me several hours." said Homer.
"Ha! Poo poo!" Bart laughed.
"Anyway... write us a five hundred word review and we'll see if you've got what it takes." said Mr Editor guy giving him some paper.
"Woohoo!" said Homer.
...
At home Marge tried to explain the typewriter wasn't working.
"The letter E is missing." said Marge.
"We don't need no stinkin' Es!" said Homer.
"Actually we do, especially since there was a really retarded kid at my old school that kept going 'Eeeeeeeee!' so we made fun of him." said Oscar.
"Oscar that's not nice..." said Bart cross with him.
"Let's see... Restaurant review? No. Mad man Homer's Fridgercooker? No. Ah ha! Food box! By Homer Simpson!" said Homer. "D'oh!" He groaned when he realised that had an E in it.
Homer sent in his review. It was awful.
"Hahahaha! This is a joke right?!" The editor laughed. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever read!"
"What's wrong with it?" Homer asked.
"You use made up words like pasghetti and momatoes. You make numerous threats to the UN and at the end you just typed Screw Flanders over and over..." said the editor.
"Look five hundred words is hard okay!" Homer whined.
"Look I'll give you one m ore chance." said the editor.
"Yes, this was a joke, I'll get you the real review Mr Editor guy." said Homer.
...
Homer went home and locked himself in the bathroom and scrubbed himself hard.
"Unclean! So unclean! So much humiliation!" said Homer.
Lisa knocked at the door. "Dad I know you're review got turned down but I'll help you write one if you'll just unlock this door! I really need the bathroom!"
"Stupid kids with their small bladders..." said Homer.
Homer was in Lisa's room pondering while she typed for him.
"Now think of a restaurant you liked recently Dad." said Lisa.
"Oh there was that French ale Belles place! It was great!" said Homer.
"Try and use a better word than great Dad." said Lisa.
"It was not undelicious." said Homer.
"Delicious. Fantastic Dad!" said Lisa typing.
"And there was this wonderful chocolate mousse, how do I describe it? It was (Homer gurgles and drools like he usually does with food.)"
"Hmmmmm.... How should I write (Lisa does a Homer gurgle and drools) Ah ah! Transcendent!" Lisa replied.
"Groin grabbingly transcendent?" Homer suggested.
"No Dad...." Lisa decided that would be a bad idea...
They finished.
"We make a great team Dad!" said Lisa.
"A groin grabbingly great team?" Homer asked.
"Dad! You need to stop saying that!" said Lisa concerned. "Now for the last word, something to really make the reader think."
"I know! Screw Flanders!" said Homer.
"No Dad. How about Bon Appetite?" said Lisa.
"That's great as well sweetie." said Homer.
Plot 2
Mr Editor guy was very pleased with Homer's new review.
"We're printing this on page one of section H-2!" said the director. "I really wanted to put it on The front page Homer or at least page three but um our male readers need their boobs in the morning."
At home Marge was proud of Homer. "Wow! Married to a food critic! It's my life long dream."
"Now wait Marge, under no circumstances must anyone know I'm a food critic." said Homer.
"Why?" Marge asked.
Helen overheard them.
"Maude, did you hear Homer's a food critic?" said Helen.
"Homer's a critic!"
"Did you know Homer's a critic?" said Principal Skinner to Uter's parents.
"Quit changing the subject! Vere is Urer?!" said Uter's Dad.
"Ja! Quit Shtalling (Stalin)! Show us your marks! (deutsche marks)" Said Uter's mother. There was canned laughter at her unintentional puns. They were sitting at Luigi's restaurant having a meeting to discuss where Uter was.
...