Greek to me Starring Homer as the legendary Homer of Greek mythology. Homer tells a theatre stories of Greek mythology jazzed up a little.
Homer as the legendary story teller Homer, who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey is addressing an amphitheatre of kids while pretending to be blind.
"Children hear my legends for I am a poor blind man!" said Homer.
"Dad, you can see fine... those are prank glasses Barticus made by painting the lenses black..." said Ancient Greek Lisa.
"Fine... Who here wants a story?" Homer asked.
Everyone shook their heads except Lisa who had her hand up.
"Well, your getting one, so tough!" said Homer. "Our first one is about a young hero..."
Homer as Zeus is sleeping in his throne room when he accidentally spills a bucket of lightning bolts. They land on some place called Sodom and Gomorrah.
Marge as Hera comes in annoyed at him for having affairs with mortal women.
"I have not!" Zeus argued.
"This boy says he's your son!" said Hera.
"Hi Dad!" said Bart as Hercules/Heracles.
"D'oh!" Zeus groaned.
Hera went Hmmmmm! She then assigned Hercules 12 seemingly impossible labours to complete if he was to become a god.
Bart as Hercules agreed to them.
He was returned to Earth where he was given a message by Milhouse as Hermes. The message listed the twelve labours.
"Kill the nemean lion." Hercules read the list. He went to find the lion.
However the lion had hurt his paw on a thorn. Bart as Hercules helped the lion by pulling it out.
The lion thanked him by offering its loyalty to him.
The next task was to slay the Lernean Hydra. The hydra had Snake Jailbird's head. It taunted Hercules.
Hercules sliced its head off. However two more heads grew in its place.
"Haw haw! Little dude, every time you cut off my heads two more grow in their place." Snake as the Hydra explained.
Hercules kept slicing off his heads. He was soon surrounded by heads. "I'll stop doing that now..." Hercules sighed with exhaustion.
"Ha! Now you are so dead!" said the hydra.
"Just one question before you kill me..." Hercules asked.
"Sure, but hurry up, I'm hungry." said the hydra.
"Which of you is gonna get my money?" Hercules asked.
"Easy, it's mine!" said a head.
"No! It's mine!" said another.
"In your dreams!" said another.
The hydra's heads started fighting each other. They got tangled up and the hydra choked himself to death.
Hercules smugly crossed off that task.
Next was clean out the Augean stables.
"Eeeeew! This place stinks!" Hercules groaned as he cleaned up manure.
However Mr Burns as a rich Greek land owner taunted him for doing such an unpleasant job.
However Hercules explained he was digging up manure, a resource even more valuable then gold, which he argued was worthless now.
Mr Burns gave Hercules all of his gold as payment for the dung mine (The Augean stables) and Hercules laughed as he left.
"Suckers!" said Hercules.
For the tasks that required capturing some kind of dangerous beast, Hercules used his new wealth to pay the ASPCA (American society for the prevention of cruelty to animals) to round up the creatures for him. They were given to an annoyed Hera who was annoyed at him for taking shortcuts.
Hercules then made his money back and a profit by selling the caged beasts as pets.
Jessica as a Greek girl was one of the customers begging for a pet.
"Now Jessica, this can't be like your gerbil, you have to feed it and clean up after it..." said Lovejoy.
Hercules then announced he was finished with his tasks.
"No you're not! You still have two!" said Hera.
"Lady, ten out of twelve is like an A+! That's the best grade I've ever got!" said Hercules.
Hera had something on her mind.
"What's wrong?" Hercules asked.
"It's Zeus. He's supposed to be ruler of all of creation and Olympus but he just gets drunk with Dionysus and flirts with mortals..." Hera sighed.
"Maybe you should take over then. You seem to be doing a fine job so far..." said Hercules.
Hera cheered up. "You're right! I will take over!"
However Hera being in control of the Earth and the heavens meant she just nagged everyone all the time. The gods and Hercules were running about in fear from an angry Hera nagging them to do their chores.
"Nice job, Jerkules!" said Nelson as Ares, annoyed at Hercules for screwing with things.
The children didn't like that story and were bored.
"Fine. This story is a romantic story of one sided love...
The Hades You Say?!
Homer as Hades and Marge as Persephone are in Athena's heavenly court of the gods. Lisa as Athena is dealing reluctantly with a case over Hades kidnapping Persephone.
"I didn't kidnap her! It was a date!" Hades replied.
"It was a lousy date! The waiters were decaying zombies! I forgot most of what happened because I was served amnesia causing water from the river Lethes and our food was cold and rotten!" said Persephone.
Athena made her judgment.
"Unfortunately due to how screwed up our justice system is, and because you ate six pomegranate seeds, Persephone you must spend six months of the year with Hades." Athena explained.
"Fine! But I shall curse everyone with the season of winter!" said Persephone. She brought winter to Earth. For six months a year the Earth would be cold and lifeless.
"That story blows!" said Greek Nelson.
Homer told another one.
"This is about a hideously ugly monster called Medusa! She was so ugly that everyone died! The end!" said Homer.
The kids were sad. "That didn't help at all!" They cried.
"Dad! Tell it properly!" Lisa groaned.
"Fine..." Homer started telling the story.
Bart as Perseus was at school when he accidentally hit Skinner with his skateboard.
"Perseus!!" Skinner yelled. "I sentence you to an impossible task! To retrieve the head of Medusa!"
"Aw man..." Perseus sighed.
He went on his journey until Milhouse as Hermes visited him. However Hermes thought he was Hercules still.
"Hermes that was the first story... we're done with that now..." Perseus replied as Hermes tried to give him a list of twelve labours.
"Oh yeah..." Hermes realised. He explained where to find Medusa of the the three Gorgons and the gods gave him gifts to help him on his quest.
Perseus got some winged sandals to fly to Medusa's lair, a helmet of invisibility so she wouldn't see him, a mirrored shield to look at her reflection so he wouldn't get turned to stone looking directly at her and a golden sickle to cut off her head. Athena also warned Perseus that Medusa was the only mortal Gorgon, her sisters Euryale and Stheno were immortal and indestructible.
Perseus was tasked with finding the three fates first for more information. However they were just fighting over an eye and a tooth they had to share.
Perseus rolled his eyes exasperated by their antics and went off on his quest.
He arrived at the Gorgon cave.
The Gorgon's had taken up smoking as their snakes for hair were also smoking.
Perseus found out from them that Medusa, played by Patty, was missing her ex boyfriend Principal Skinner. Perseus had an idea...
Perseus brought Medusa to Skinner. The reconciled their relationship but by the time the wedding arrives Skinner has been turned into stone.
"I like him now he's a lot more quiet!" said Medusa.
Homer was interrupted before he could tell the bored kids another story because Greek Quimby needed the amphitheatre because Ned as Aesop was about to tell his fables. The kids were just happy to be rid of Homer.
Aesop's Fables. Or why Stupid Flanders won't shut up!
The first story was about the lazy grasshopper (Homer) and the hard working ant (Ned). The ant was preparing for winter but the grasshopper just drank beer and played his violin.
"Um, grasshopper, don't you think you should be preparing for winter?" asked the ant.
"Shut up ant!" said the grasshopper.
However the ant was right. Soon winter arrived and the grasshopper now had no warm shelter or food to Last him the winter.
The grasshopper begged the ant to let him stay with him.
Of course the ant allowed him to but the greedy grasshopper ate all his food!
"Homer that's not how it went!" Aesop yelled.
"What? The moral is hard working losers shouldn't give in to cool people like the grasshopper who'll just mooch off of them!" said Homer.
Aesop tried to start another fable, about the boy who cried wolf.
Bart played that role. He was a young shepherd who kept crying wolf! Wolf!
"That's a fox! Now stop crying wolf!" said an annoyed villager.
The fable then got screwed up as the boy who cried wolf got involved in the story of the fox and the grapes.
Moe as a fox wanted some grapes but they were out of reach. He gave up and assumed they were probably sour.
"Wolf!" said Bart.
"I'm a fox! Now can you do me a favour and help me get those grapes." said Moe the fox.
"Sure." Bart picked the bunch of grapes and gave them to the fox.
"Hmmm, these aren't half bad! I think I'll make wine from them." said Moe the fox.
Suddenly the weather got erratic. One moment it was very hot and sunny, the next a cold wind chilled Bart.
"What gives?!" Bart asked huddling to keep warm.
Patty and Selma were the sun and the wind.
"We bet fifty drachmas which of us could get you to take off your fur vest." said the sun.
"I'll take off my vest for whoever gives me fifty drachmas..." Bart replied.
"Deal!" said the sun and the wind.
Some time later as Bart collects a fifty drachma note and is holding his fur vest.
"Wind wins!" he announced the wind as the winner.
"No fair! She blew my money away!" said the sun.
Bart put his fur vest back on over his tunic. However he saw something.
"Wolf! Wolf!" he cried.
"That does it! There's no wolf young man!" said an angry villager fed up with his lies.
"No not a wolf, man! A wolfman! Over there!" Bart explained.
"Ye gods! He's right!" said another villager. "And he's fighting Dracula and an Egyptian mummy and Frankenstein!"
"But look! Martains from War of the Worlds! And Michael Jackson and an army of dancing zombies!" said the first villager.
"But how will the illustrator be able to draw all that!" said the other villager.
"Homer!! Stop mucking up my fables!" Aesop yelled.
"What? I was just jazzing them up a little! They were so boring!" Homer sighed.
"He's right, Aesop, the audience love him!" said Greek Lindsey Naegle.
Aesop sighed in defeat and left Homer to tell more daft stories.
Homer as Homer who wrote the Iliad told another story, “Now for those that liked my story about Hercules here is a story about a wannabe hero who wanted to be just like him.” said Homer.
Set along an alternate time line. Hercules was already famous for completing his twelve labours, that he only legitimately completed two of. He had millions of fan girls celebrating him and kissing him.
“Aw shucks.” Bart as Hercules blushed.
However one little Greek boy was jealous.
“I could do those labours...” said Oscar as Prince Hector. “I’ve done a decent job of looking after the city of Troy McClure so far.”
“Hi! This is the city of Troy McClure!” said Troy McClure at the gates of Troy. “You may remember it from such famous Greek myths as the Wooden Horse of Troy and Top impregnable cities of ancient times!”
”Um here’s the giant wooden horse you ordered of Amazon.” said some Greek soldiers.
”I didn’t order a giant wooden horse....” said Oscar suspicious.
“Fine... you think you’re such a hero? I’ll ask my Dad to assign you twelve Labours then...” said Hercules.
Hercules went to mount Olympus. He watched his Dad Zeus smite Otto for trying to ride Pegasus there.
“No mortals!” Zeus said as he smites Otto with a bolt of lightning.
“Dad, can I ask you a favour?” Hercules asked Zeus.
“Sure.” said Zeus.
“This mortal here, thinks he is as good as a hero as me. Can you assign him twelve deadly tasks to prove himself?” Hercules asked.
“Hmmmmmm... that’s usually your step mother Hera’s job... ask her.” said Zeus.
“Fine. But be warned Hector... these are nigh impossible tasks no mortal could possibly complete...” said Hera.
“Even I found them tricky.” said Hercules.
“You cut corners Hercules...” Oscar as Prince Hector sighed.
Hector was transported back down to Earth. In a few moments later Milhouse as Hermes gave him his list of twelve labours.
“No problem I go on adventures and explore dungeons like Link. And build up my equipment like the Builder from Dragon Quest Builders... this will be a piece of cake...” said Hector.
Hermes grimaced. Oz best not to mention video games that don’t exist yet...
Bart as Heracles or Hercules did not get anything he was jabbering about.
He went home to prepare. He was sewing some spare chitons and setting them aside with identical brown leather belts. He crafted an oaken club, a wooden sword and a wooden shield. He also made a bow, some arrows and a quiver to carry them in. Once he put some fresh olive leaves in his hair he went on his labours.
“Number one. Kill the Nemean Lion.” said Hector.
He encounters a vicious angry lion.
It ended up as, Androcles and the lion because the lion had a thorn in its paw. Hector pulled it out and the lion became friendly to him. However while playing fetch the lion leapt off a cliff and died.
”Oops...” said Hector/Oscar.
Hector skinned the dead lion and wore its skin as a hooded cape.
Then he went to the art gallery and laughed at all the rude sculptures and paintings.
“Hahahahaha! He’s naked!” Hector laughed at a statue of David.
“Uh Hector, the gods ask for you to keep on task...” said Hermes.
Oscar sighed. “Can I just laugh at this naked statue one last time...“
Along the way to his next task he got out from hammer space a red shiny clown nose and painted it black and wore it as a cartoon animal nose. He chuckled as it suited his Nemean lion pelt cape.
Next he killed two snakes. Hera had sent them to kill baby Hercules.
”Now if only Samuel L Jackson or Indiana Jones was here...” Oscar grinned.
”Celebrities haven’t been born yet...” Hermes explained.
Oscar then kept asking dumb questions.
“Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.” Milhouse as Hermes said sharply.
Then he started tormenting or torturing Jake Long from American Dragon for copying Irreep and her ability to turn into a dragon. Then he tortured Coop from Kid vs Kat for stealing Quiffy’s t shirt.
His method of torture was turning himself back into a baby and shrinking them to doll size and playing with them. He doesn’t play nice...
“Kill the Lernean Hydra.” said Hector making it through the entirety of the Learnea Swamp dungeon.
He went through various hazards such as sinking in quicksand. “Oh great yucky sinky muck! Plus I’m gonna die with a boner...”
Then he encountered Link from Minish Cap. Link got vored by a Moldworm or Dodongo Snake from Link’s Awakening and came out the other end um brown...
”Eeeeeew!” said Oscar.
“Well that was a pain in the neck... I nearly drowned in quicksand, got captured by a giant baby Zill from Windwaker, Aka booger boy. And the curious bear cub kept sniffing my diaper...“ Hector remarked his adventures in this dungeon.
He then came across the hydra which this time wasn’t Snake. Instead it was a scary monster with many serpent like heads. Hector screamed in fear.
Then Heracles from a famous painting was fighting the hydra naked!
”He’s naked!” Oscar as Hector screamed.
Then because his character representing him, Oscar was a class swot at Greek myths and legends. He Knew he couldn’t simply cut the hydra’s heads off, they multiplied. Instead he set fire to his club and every time he severed a head he cauterised the stump so the heads couldn’t regrow. Eventually the hydra had no more heads and died.
Then a chest magically appeared. To the Zelda item theme he got some arrows dipped in the Hydra’s poisonous blood.
Naked Hercules needed his nephew to tell him he had to cauterise the stumps and help him do so. So the task didn’t count later on.
While Oscar dusted his hands with accomplishment after killing the hydra, a giant enemy crab appeared.
”Aaaaaaagh! Giant Enemy Crab!” Oscar screamed. Yes there was a giant crab during the second task.
He attacked it’s weak point for massive damage using real time weapon change.
Also the crab died and became a constellation and the name of a horrific terminal illness that still plagues humanity today.
Oscar cut open the dead crab and harvested crab meat from it to cook and eat.
Next was clean out the Augean stables.
“Eeeeeew! This stinks...” Oscar groaned. It was worse than that set of chambers in the sewer dungeon full of sewage and poop and pee and giant cartoon babies.
“Please don’t remind me of that...” Oscar groaned.
He cleared away dung with a shovel.
Eventually he tidied up, used some manure to fertilise a farmers crops and turned into Baby Oscar and rolled about in some.
Milhouse as Hermes gagged in disgust.
Naked Hercules cheated by diverting a river so it washed out the stable. As such the task didn’t count.
Next was exploring several dungeons from his Zelda-like slime adventures.
The lost woods.
Oscar came across a forest. Inside the first clearing was the gate puzzle from Zelda Triforce heroes to complete the first forest chapter.
Oscar got the gate open.
Inside was a maze like forest. With shiny noses living teddy bear creatures.
Teddy sniffed Oscar’s crotch. Oscar blushed.
”I don’t have time to play with you.” said Greek hero Oscar aka Prince Hector.
”Yes you do.” Teddy turned him into a baby. Baby Oscar was wearing just a diaper.
Teddy sniffed Oscar’s diaper. Oscar blushed and sweated.
Then he encountered a king called Euripides. Ie Euripides trousers, you pay for them. Hehehehe!
”I am so making fun of that!” Oscar smirked.
”And I am so using that to prank Moe.” said Hercules Bart who somehow is also Perseus.
The king Euripides sighed as Oscar as Prince Hector made fun of his name.
Next were several tasks involving capturing or killing dangerous monsters.
“Capture Artemis’s hind.” Oscar thought that meant something to do with her butt and tried to woo her but it meant a deer like creature that was protected by her. He asked her nicely and she let him borrow it.
As for Disney’s Hercules? He tripped and fell into some slimy cartoon mud. Splat.
Oscar wet his diaper from his mud and slime fetish.
Next was to capture a highly aggressive angry cartoon boar with crazy eyes.
Oscar decided to defeat it the same way a bullfighter would trick a bull. With a red sheet.
“Toro! Toro!” said Oscar holding a red sheet. It worked and the boar concussed itself head butting a tree.
Then Oscar had to deal with Artemis’s thing for turning mortals into animals. He got turned into a duck billed platypus.
Oscar Aka Prince Hector sighed as he was now a duck billed platypus.
Next was kill the Stymphalia birds.
Along the way he encountered a tall, tough brute of a Greek warrior wearing a toga.
“You're rather small for a hero.” said the man. Well considering Oscar’s a nine year old boy...
“I may not look it, but I am indeed a hero.” said Oscar.
There were bronze birds with razor sharp bronze feathers. That’s what the Stymphalia birds were.
Oscar was given a special rattle that provoked the birds. When he shook it they attacked. He shot all of them with arrows that worked despite them being birds made out of metal that and I quote this from Wikipedia, “destroyed” the townspeople. Not killed, destroyed.
The people of that particular village could finally live in peace.
Tom a Greek fishmonger is chopping heads off fish.
Hugo drooled hungry for fish heads. God damn it Hugo! Enough!
Oscar then encountered Hercules in a swamp that had green slime, for mud, riding Nessus the centaur through the green slime mud.
“I see you’re still alive...” said Bart as Hercules.
“I see you're riding Nessus near the slime puppy or mucky puppy area of the swamp.
A cartoon slime monster puppy with a big wet shiny black nose was grinning at them.
After this detour was his next task, to capture the bull that King Minos was given by the gods as a symbol he was a worthy king, then he was supposed to sacrifice it to Poseidon. He didn’t so Poseidon made his wife the Queen of Crete fall madly in love with it.
“Cooool!” said Oscar finding the Queen of Crete humping the bull.
Next was capture the man eating horses of Diomedes. Yes man eating horses... He had to go to what we now know as Bulgaria. However it was called Thrace then.
“Man eating horses?!” Oscar winced at the camera confused. There were horses killing and eating people.
Next was borrow the girdle of the Amazons. Oscar built an antiquity era computer and surfed Amazon for a girdle.
“No Oz...” Athena groaned.
Then he actually went to the Anazons for it. They sentenced him to death by Snu Snu!
“I am just a kid! That’s sick!” Oscar ran off screaming.
Then was capture cows from Geryon. A three headed giant and his two headed dog. Oscar shot the giant and two headed dog with poisonous arrows tipped with hydra blood.
Then he shot Nessus. He chose death rather than unending agony. However some guy cut off his skin which Hercules’s second wife used to doom him to unending agony too.
Then Oscar’s Amazon parcel arrived.
“Oz, no!” Athena groaned. Oscar laughed.
Next was obtain some sacred golden apples. Oscar broke one of his teeth trying to bite one. Athena face palmed.
Then he encountered Ladon, a dragon.
He summoned Blue Eyes White Dragon to destroy it.
”Oz stick to the source material...” Hugo groaned.
The final task was capture Cerebus. Which to Oscar was a cute giant three headed puppy with big wet shiny black noses. The puppy was quite happy to play with him and follow him to Hera to sign in his tasks.