Grade School Confidential See Suicidal Skinner for the canon versions story. In this Fanon episode with the same title instead Bart is up to his tricks again when one lunch time he puts a dead bird in the salad.
One afternoon at the Simpsons house Gramps was visiting. It was also on this day that Homer was once again moaning about his weight.
“295! I’m a whale!” Homer whined.
“Too much pie! That’s your problem!” Gramps said rudely to him.
“Dad! Don’t be so horrible! You’ll give me a complex!” Homer whined.
“Bah! In my day we didn’t get people in shape by being nice to them! Now drop and give me twenty fatso!” Gramps scolded Homer and made him do press ups.
Marge came in. “Abe! Don’t push him so hard! Homer get up, don’t exhaust yourself dear!” She checked the wheezing Homer to see if he was alright.
“Dagnabbit woman! You’re as bad as his mother! Molly coddling him all the time!” Abe ranted.
It was also on this fine Labor day that at lunch for a laugh, Bart decided to put a dead bird in the salad. The family and their friend Oscar reacted in disgust.
“Eeeeeeeeugh!” They groaned.
“Bartholomew J Simpson!” Marge yelled.
“Uh oh! Full name!” Bart gulped.
Lisa was particularly cross with him because of her vegetarianism she could not eat the salad now.
Mom, Dad and Gramps were mad at him because it was just simply disgusting and unhygienic. The salad would have to be thrown out because of the dead bird in it.
And Hugo was especially furious with Bart because he liked birds. Especially pigeons which was the kind of bird in the salad.
“Grrrrr! You know I can’t eat meat!” Lisa yelled throttling Bart.
“Grrrrrr! You know I love pigeons! And rats, and rat-pigeons...” Hugo throttled Bart as well.
“Enough you two! I know you’re mad but don’t strangle your brother!” Marge told Lisa and Hugo off.
“Yeah your tiny baby hands are too small and weak! I’ll show you how to do it! Why you little!” Homer explained to his children their hands were too small and weak to strangle Bart effectively and he promptly strangled Bart.
“No Homer! That’s not what I meant!” said Marge.
“Kill the boy!” yelled Abe/Grampa.
“Abe you’re not helping! Bart go to your room this instant! And stay there until further notice!” said Marge.
Bart went to his room.
He played with his Krusty Doll muttering about his family’s lack of a sense of humour. Then he felt thirsty.
“Mom, can I have a drink?” Bart asked.
“No! You don’t deserve one!” Marge yelled. This story is really weird! Hehehe!
“Hey, this is illegal! You have to let me have some water!” Bart yelled.
“Shut up boy!!” shouted Homer.
“MAAAAARGE! HOMEEEER!” Oscar was erupting like a volcano, metaphorically. Ie he was shouting hence the all caps.
“Okay! Okay!” said Marge like a scolded child as she could be heard turning on a tap and filling something. A drinking glass perhaps.
“There you go Bart.” Marge said still mad at him as she gave him a glass of water by setting it on his orange and purple homework desk.
“Ahem. You still have to feed me even if I’m being punished.” said Bart.
Marge could feel Oscar’s eyes burning into her as he watched her from the hall way.
“Fine, you have to eat it in here.” said Marge.
Some time later after she had made a fresh salad she served him his lunch.
It was also on this fine morning that Lisa was making a science project. Of course her mad brother Hugo was competing with her by applying himself to the mad genius side of science, making mutants and building doomsday devices. He was carrying the foetus of some kind of monster in a jar filled with life giving fluid to keep it alive until it was ready to survive on its own.
Bart saw his sister leave her room with her more noble science experiment, a walking clock. He snuck into her room and stuck out his foot to trip her as she came back in. She landed flat on her face and smashed her walking clock experiment.
“Baaaart! You’re supposed to be grounded in your room! You broke my experiment!” Lisa yelled picking up her broken walking clock.
“Oops.” said Bart insincerely with a devious grin.
Hugo smirked too as Lisa was his competition for the school science fair. With her eliminated this was only good news to him. Besides he was unable to feel compassion.
Bart flicked his nose making him yelp and instinctively hold his nose dropping his experiment breaking it. The jar shattered and the monster foetus soon died.
“You idiot! That was my science experiment!” Hugo yelled at Bart and strangled him.
“Eccccckk! Mom! Hugo’s hurting me!” Bart cried as he was being strangled and deprived of air.
Marge stormed upstairs to wonder what the commotion was. “Hugo! Let go of him! Bart go to your room this instant!”
Bart went off to his room rubbing his sore neck from being strangled.
“Mom Hugo has every right to be mad at Bart! I feel like throttling him too! He ruined our science experiments!” said Lisa upset and crying.
“Now dear! There’s to be no throttling in this house!” said Marge as she comforted Lisa.
“Ahem.” Hugo cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry about your experiment too sweetie.” said Marge. “It wasn’t anything evil was it?”
“Well we’ll never find out now because Bart broke it!” Hugo yelled in a tantrum.
Then there was a ring at the doorbell. Homer answers the door to find the one other person he hated other than stupid Flanders. Martin.
“Good afternoon Mr Simpson! Is Bart in?” Martin asked politely in his high pitched girly voice.
“You! Home wrecker!” Homer screamed.
“Yes Mr Simpson, I get you’re still mad over the soapbox derby...” said Martin.
“Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaghhh!” Homer screamed angrily.
Martin squealed like a stuck pig and ran away.
“Who was that you scared away Homer?” Marge asked.
“Oh Bart’s stupid friend Martin.” said Homer.
“Well if it is to ask Bart out on a play day then the answers no, his grounded!” said Marge.
“Well he ran away anyway because I scared him away.” said Homer.
“Homer... you have got to get over your anger at Martin over that soapbox car race...” Marge sighed.
Eventually Bart went to school once it started up after Labor Day. Despite that Homer felt that a grounding should include going out for school.
“No egg nog! No nog of any kind! And no going out! Not even for school!” Homer said that morning also barring Bart from having any egg nog.
Like in Suicidal Skinner and this episode’s namesake, Martin after a school announcement from Skinner over something very boring like a cancelled school trip, had an announcement of his own. It was his birthday.
“I cordially invite you all to the celebration of my majestic birth!” said Martin.
However Nelson didn’t want to go and kept throwing his invitation on the floor and Martin kept picking it up until he finally got the message.
At home Bart and Milhouse were riding in Maggie’s brick cart converted into a pretend space shuttle that Homer was pulling along with Ned’s rideable lawnmower. Eventually they got bored and decided to go to Martin’s birthday party. As it was at least less boring than whatever Homer was doing pulling them about in a cart.
Meanwhile sometime after the day Bart put a bird in the salad and broke her experiment, Lisa had problems with breakfast. It was dippy egg or a soft boiled egg with toast soldiers.
Lisa’s vegetarianism had progressed towards veganism. She didn’t want eggs.
Marge was perplexed with what to serve her for breakfast.
Oscar had an idea. He plucked out from hammer space a small white egg with a green calyx and sepals. It was an eggplant.
“What is that?” Marge asked.
“An eggplant. Also known as a garden egg. It’s a vegetable prepared like an egg except the skin is edible.
“Oh yum!” said Lisa, she wanted an eggplant for breakfast.
Oscar cooked it for her. His cookery skills were sporadic. His attempts to make himself thanksgiving dinner once ended in disaster supposedly yet he once cooked buns in the oven as part of a punchline in a gag.
At school after class Martin invited her to his birthday party for some reason. Maybe he likes other nerds.
He then laughed maniacally while holding a plasma globe as his hair was sticking up from static electricity.
“Martin stop that...” Lisa sighed.
At Martin’s party he had invited Mrs Krabappel and Skinner for some reason. Mrs K got a drink shortly after Bart who had broken some fingers off of Martin’s ice sculpture to add to his drink. After some conversation between them she went to find Skinner.
Then Martin and Lisa sat before a math magician trying to remove a remainder from two numbers that couldn’t be exactly divided by each other with a magic seven...
Then Homer broke the bouncy castle by belly flopping on it.
Then Mrs Prince, Martin’s mother embarrassed him by showing his friends his baby photos. There was one of him a Larry Flynt publication used on an article called “Are bees making a beehive in your baby’s diaper pail?”
“Mother!” Martin whined as his friends and kids who went because it was a birthday party laughed at him.
Then most of the guests got food poisoning from the oysters and left in ambulances or vomiting everywhere as they stumbled home. Those that remained were Skinner and Krabappel who were having sex in his plastic Wendy house and Bart who saw them.
Bart then watched Martin open his presents. Martin wasn’t happy to get an orange t shirt and blue shorts and blue trainers like Bart’s. Bart explained it was pay him back for getting him a matching cardigan on his birthday.
Meanwhile almost ten years ago Baby Martin wondering why bees were flying into or out of his diaper pail suddenly messed his diaper with a slimy splat as he filled it with poopy mush.
“Ok... Baby Martin’s a real pooper, right...” said Bart.
At the Simpsons after spending sometime barfing his guts up from eating spoiled oysters, Oscar made a prank phone call to Moe while for some reason wearing high heeled shoes. “Is there a Mrs O’Pronlem there? First name Bea?” asked Oscar. He had to pass the phone to Bart who frowned because he wanted to do the prank call and because Oscar needed to throw up again and ran to the kitchen bin to be sick in it.
“Bea O problem? Bea o problem? Hey everybody! Do I have a Bea o problem?!” Moe asked his friends.
“You sure do!” said Barney as the bar flies laughed at him.
“Why you little!if I ever get a hold of you! I’ll-“ Moe made another violent threat down the phone at the prankster.
Bart and Oscar laughed hysterically as Moe put the phone down.
Then Bart got a call at the door. It was his friends Milhouse, Richard and Lewis. They explained Skinner was on the warpath after Bart over something and now unlike canon it wasn’t trying to keep his romance with Mrs K a secret. Bart had obviously been very naughty at school today.
“And Nelson wants to beat you up again after school.” said Milhouse.
Bart gulped again.
Meanwhile in Brantford, Jumanji universe.
Peter Shepherd answered the doors of his Aunt’s mansion to his friends at school.
“What’s up?” He asked.
A nerdy friend with glasses explained the principal was on the warpath particularly at Peter over something he did at school that day. He was in big trouble.
“And Rock wants to beat you up after school again.” said one of Peter’s friends.
Peter gulped again.
In a split screen sequence Bart in one panel was going about school sneakily trying to avoid Skinner by going in the library. While Peter was at his school trying to avoid his principal. They navigated the labyrinth libraries while being pursued by their principals until comically they crashed into each other.
“Hey watch it!” They yelled at one another while rubbing their sore noses. They both then ran off into the passageways of the maze like library with Peter returning to his universe.
Meanwhile at Martin’s party. Martin was unhappy he gave all his guests food poisoning from expired oysters.
“How could I not know they were expired?! I’ve poisoned all my friends!” Martin lamented.
Oscar was sneaking about and used his magic wand to bring Martin’s ice statue to life.
“Yeeeeooowwwie! Someone broke off my fingers!” Ice Martin cried.
Martin was quite disturbed by the presence of a living ice sculpture. But he didn’t have long to greet his new friend as the sun was very hot that day and was already melting Ice Martin.
“Uh my subzero doppelgänger... you appear to be melting!” said Martin to Ice Martin.
“Aaaaaagh! I’m melting! Meltiiiiiiing! Oh what a world! What a world! Who thought a good little amount of sunlight would ruin my beautiful coldness! Oooooh! Ooooooh....” Ice Martin quoted the wicked old witch of the west as he melted and died.
“Narrator no!” Bart whined.
Eventually Skinner caught Bart and in Brantford Peter was caught by his principal. Both boys were in serious trouble over something.
Whatever it was that Bart had done it was serious enough for Skinner to go to the Simpsons house personally to speak with Marge and Homer. Bart sat in a chair in the kitchen while he got chewed out for his bad behaviour.
“He’s been acting up since Labor Day...” Marge sighed. “Bart I hope you behave for school photos tomorrow!” Marge told Bart off.
Bart groaned and screwed his eyes shut in frustration. He hated school photographs. It was an excuse for his mom to dress him up like a dork just so she could get some cute photographs of him.
At school Bart was annoyed as Marge made a fuss of him and combed his hair and rubbed his face with a licked napkin. “Mooooom! He whined. She then kept adjusting his tie even though it was fine and saying it felt more like a tie he would wear to church not school photos.
Meanwhile Skinner was barking commands at students because he used to be a sergeant during Vietnam you know!
“Stop eating grass Ralph!” Skinner shouted.
“Sorry Primciperal Skimmed Milk!” said Ralph.
“Quiffy turn down those cow licks!” Skinner ordered.
Quiffhead licked his hand and smooshed down some cow licks in his hair do.
“Milhouse lower those eyebrows! Lewis tuck in that shirt! Quigley uncross those eyes!” Skinner ranted.
“I can’t sir!” Quigley a boy with crossed eyes explained.
“Oh I see. Sorry.” Skinner apologised to him.
Marge was finished annoying Bart and let him go to join his class mates in formation for the group photos. Now she was annoying Hugo who was dressed nicely in a checkered shirt and wearing a bow tie. He struggled as she combed his spikes into a neat style like Bart’s church hair do.
“Hugo you don’t need glasses, your vision is fine.” said Marge confiscating his fake glasses.
“They make me look intellectual.” said Hugo.