Simpsons Fanon

Goo Goo Gai Pan Selma finds she's going through hot flushes after an incident in Mr Burns's car one winter morning and is told she's reached menopause. Desperate for a baby she tries to adopt again. When that doesn't work she goes to China. However they only allow married couples to adopt.


Mr Burns is retaking his driving test for old age to see if he's still safe to be driving. He's in the DMV carpark with Selma.

"I see no reason to be doing this! My driving license is fine!" said Mr Burns. The last time he renewed it was in 1909...

"You have three people stuck to your grill!" said Selma. Mr Burns had ran over Crazy Cat Lady, Hans Moleman and Ralph.

"Well at least I'm out speaking to people..." Hans Moleman groaned.

Mr Burns got to driving. He bored Selma with idle gossip about his old fashioned car...

“Do you know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi?“ Mr Burns asked.

”I don’t care, keep your eyes on the road...” said Selma.

”I don’t care.” said Yami Bakura.

However Selma suddenly felt very hot. She waved her self and sweated. "Turn down that heating! I'm roasting in here!"

"Nonsense! This car is as cool as Edgar Hoover!" said Mr Burns.

Selma winded open the window despite it was in the middle of December and snowing outside. "What is wrong with me?!" Selma wondered why she suddenly felt extremely hot all of a sudden. She started laughing and crying a lot.

"Good lord! She's becoming some sort of female mad man!" Mr Burns gasped.

Selma opened the sun roof.

"Don't touch that! I might get stung by a bumbled bee!" Mr Burns yelled. The wind caught in his car roof turning it into a parachute. The car drove about erratically.

Jurkle walked about in the snow wrapped up warm when a furry cartoon bee stumbled about awkwardly and bumbled and stuttered.

Jurkle winced. It was an unusual sight but he supposed he did stutter sometimes.

Meanwhile at Evergreen Terrace Bart and Milhouse were playing ice hockey.

"Shame Oscar doesn't want to play." said Milhouse.

"He doesn't like the cold. He'd rather be indoors playing Indiana Jones Greatest Adventures on my Snes." said Bart.

Oscar was in Bart's room playing Indiana Jones Greatest Adventures. The boulder chase theme was blaring out loudly and noises came from the game.

”Van Houten blows past Simpson! He's got all the right moves!” said Milhouse.

Oscar opened the bedroom window facing the front and played the creepy Ki ki ki ma ma ma sound on his radio out the window.

”And Van Voorhees scares away all the fans...” Bart smirked.

”Stop making those jokes! I get it! I wear a hockey mask like Jason to ice hockey!” Milhouse got annoyed.

"And now the hockey game descends into a fight!" said Bart as he started play fighting with Milhouse.

However Mr Burns's car drove erratically down the road.

"Car! Run!" Bart got out of its way.

"I heard car but what is the direction?" Milhouse asked as Bart had pulled his hoodie over his face. Luckily the car missed him.

Mr Burns crashed into a letter box. Selma went flying out and landed in the snow where she melted it with her body heat. "Oh! Still hot! Still hot!"

Smithers arrived to check on Mr Burns.

"Oh thank god the airbags deployed!" said Smithers.

"Those are my lungs!" said Mar Burns as his lungs were hanging out of his mouth. He sucked them back in.

Smithers gagged and went off to be sick. “Eeeeeeeew!”


Selma was taken to hospital. Dr Payne examined her.

"Selma you are going through what's known as a hot flush, it's one of the symptoms of menopause." Dr Payne explained.

Everyone gasped.

"What's a menopause?" Bart asked.

"Bart, a menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters. Particularly southerners from Dixie land." said Homer.

"Hmmmm! It's a natural process that a woman of a certain age goes through!" Marge explained.

"It's when a lady gets old and her ovaries shrivel up and stop-" Hugo tried to explain scientifically.

"Hugo!!" Marge and Homer told him off.

"And it's something to be feared... right doc?" Homer asked.

"Far from it! Here's a video explaining more!" said Dr Payne. He put in a video.

Robert Wagner was on a farm checking his hens for eggs. "All out of eggs." said Robert Wagner. "Hi I'm Robert Wagner. (He frowns) A famous actor. No I'm not Troy McClure. Look we all have careers too! We can all do a documentary tape just as Troy does! So shut up and sit down!" Robert Wagner ranted. "If you're watching this you are going through menopause. So what is menopause you ask."

"He ain't no Troy McClure that's for sure..." said Bart.

"Quiet boy." Homer hushed him.

"Menopause is a change in a woman's life. You may start to have mood swings or joint pains." said Robert Wagner on a cruise. "But this shouldn't stop you from doing whatever you want."

"Can we still have children?" An athletic old lady on a bike asked.

"Ma'am I'm trying to do a documentary here." Robert explained.

He was then in a lodge by a fireplace. "Menopause means you can't have children. But it also opens up a wonderful new plateau in a woman's life. So enjoy your lives ladies, and get out of my lodge!"

The tape ended.

"So this is it. No more kids..." Selma sighed.

"I didn't realise how much you wanted kids!" said Marge despite the obvious hints... Jub jub... her wanting to take Bart and Lisa out to Duff Gardens... Nemo...

"I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my good looks..." said Selma.

Homer smirked and snickered trying not to laugh. Marge glared at him.

"Now I'm afraid I'll grow old and alone..." said Selma sighing.

"What about JubJub?" Lisa asked showing a photo of Selma's lizard.

"Jubjub can't look after me when I'm old and sick, all he can do is eat me after I'm dead!" said Selma crying.

"Oh don't cry Selma!" said Marge. "It'll be alright sweetie!" She hugged Selma.

"Come on kids let's go." said Homer. Then he said something to Selma. "Goodbye Selma..." he put her blanket over her as if she was dead.

"I'm not dead you idiot!" Selma replied.

"I know, that was for the other patients." said Homer. Selma punched him in the groin. "Ow! My thingies!" Homer groaned.


Scary music played as the scene transitioned to Spinsters apartment. Selma was up late watching Booberella.

"And now for... Son of Satan!" Boobrella announced tonight's monster movie. There was a title card of a devil carrying a baby devil in a baby carrier.

Then it cut to a fly on the wall The Osbornes style documentary about Satan and his family in hell. Damien was on screen.

"Yes I'm Damien, son of the devil... and I'm doing a documentary about my family now..." Damien sighed. Nemo was crawling about on the couch. "And that's my baby brother crawling across the furniture..."

Selma switched off the TV. "Everyone has kids but me..." she sighed.

Satan appeared. "Selma we've been through this! My son nearly got killed because of those superstitious mortals!" said Satan.


Patty comforted her during morning chat shows.

"There, there Selma. You can always adopt... again..." said Patty.

"The adoption system! It's a miracle!" Selma cheered up. "Hey my foot's not dead! It just fell asleep!" Jub jub was chewing her toes. Eeeeeew! Jub jub...

The entire family was outside an orphanage. Lindsey Naegle gave them a baby boy.

"He's beautiful! For him I'll give up cigarettes. Now we're a tobacco chewing family..." said Selma.

Suddenly a car pulled up and they heard Cletus.

"Oh no! The birth father!" said Lindsey Naegle.

"Oh no! The Rancor!" said C3PO.

"Oscar no!" Bart told Oscar off for having unnecessary cameos.

"Um you must have misheard me. What my wife Brandine said was she was tired of having rabies." said Cletus.

Brandine was foaming at the mouth. "Give me back my belly fruit!"

Cletus took back his baby son. "Don't worry when we do give away one of our young uns you'll be the first to know!" said Cletus. They drove off.

"Yeah in your dreams..." Selma rolled her eyes.

"Cheer up Aunt Selma! China has lots of baby girls looking for homes!" said Lisa.

"Oh great another job taken by a foreigner..." said Homer.

"Daaaaad! That's really offensive!" Lisa yelled.

"Sweet!" Oscar high fives Homer.


Selma went to a Chinese adoption agency.

"Now you must put down the name of your husband." said the clerk.

"My husband?!" Selma asked.

"Yes. In China we only allow wholesome married couples to adopt. Not hen without cock to use the expression. I'm sorry if it is a double entendre in your country. In our country it is not..." said the clerk.

"Um.... do you know McGyver..." Selma asked.

"Why yes! We Chinese love McGyver! And we know he's not married." said the clerk.

"So I just put down my husband..." Selma sighed.

"Yes we Chinese are very impatient people! Chop chop!" said the clerk. "And you must bring your husband with you to China!"

"Um! I have to go to the bathroom..." Selma ran off.


Selma explained her dilemma to the Simpsons and her sister Patty. They suddenly considered that China would have a harsh law like that.

"But what can we do?!" Marge asked.

"I've got it! It's an excellent idea!" said Oscar he returned with some familiar faces. "You could use one of your ex husbands!!" Inside a roped off area of the living room stood Troy McClure, Sideshow Bob and Disco Stu...

"Ay carumba! No Oscar!" Bart was frightened by Sideshow Bob.

"It might just work! I still haven't settled my divorce with Bob!" said Selma.

"Selma? You're giving me another chance?!" Sideshow Bob asked.

"It's just to get my baby..." said Selma.

"Well I will have no part of this charade! I'll accept your demands for a divorce!" Sideshow Bob yelled.

"Uh? Wouldn't your marriages all be annulled? You never um did the nasty..." Bart asked.

"Bart!" Marge scolded him.

"Uh Bob and I had relations..." Selma explained. The marriage was conceived.

"Eeeeeeeeew!" The Simpsons all groaned.

"He wasn't very romantic okay!" Selma snapped.

"Well as long as you're still married it's settled!" said Oscar.

"Oz we are not taking Sideshow Bob to China with us!" Bart yelled.

”Yes we are! It would be hilarious! Like the Odd Couple!”

They were all on the plane to China after Selma sighed her paper work.

"I can't believe we're taking Sideshow Bob to China with us..." Bart groaned.

"Now come on Bart. There's no need to be like that to your dear uncle Bob..." said Sideshow Bob.

"You will never be a part of my family! I don't care if you're still technically married to my Aunt Selma!" Bart ranted.

"He yells that at me all the time Bob, I wouldn't worry about it..." said Hugo.

Plot 2[]

"Bob stop pestering him and sit down." Selma made her estranged husband sit down. "Marge what if Homer messes this up?"

"Don't worry I gave him sleeping medicine." said Marge.

Homer was clearly drugged. A dragon flew past his window.

"Greetings Homer San! Please give me some of your peanuts!" said the white Chinese dragon.

"How about I give you one..." said Homer falling asleep.

"Oh you are very selfish man Homer! The other dragons will hear of this!" said the dragon before flying away.

"Hey dragon you fly like a girl..." said Homer.

Marge and Selma Hmmmmmmed embarrassed by his antics.

Meanwhile Oscar had also been drugged. He was staring out the window. He could see Dojo from Xiaolin Showdown with Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay riding on his back.

"Hi Oscar!" They greeted him.

"Hey guys... it's minus fifty out there and there's no oxygen! How are you breathing?!" Oscar slurred under the influence of Tranquil.

"Oscar what are you yelling at..." Bart sighed.

Homer dropped his peanuts and screamed.


Outside the plane were the dragons.

"There's the man who broke a dragon's heart!" said the white dragon.

"Daaaaaa aaaaah! The man who broke a dragon's heart!" A red dragon cried rainbows and sang in a high pitched voice while playing a Zheng.

"Get a room!" Dojo yelled at them.


They arrived in China. Selma and Sideshow Bob got their paper work signed by Madame Wu. A sexy and totally not evil councillor.

"Good Mrs Terwilliger! Now is just the manner of the bag of ten thousand happiness." said Madame Wu.

Selma sighed and gave over a huge bag of Chinese money.

"That means money right?" Selma asked.

"Yes..." said Madame Wu.

They sat awkwardly.

"Um when do we get to see our baby?" Selma asked.

"In a few days. It will give you time to enjoy our rich ancient culture!" said Madame Wu.

Selma groaned.

"And me time to study every detail of your married lives..." said Madame Wu.

Selma and Sideshow Bob groaned.


The Simpsons and Selma and Bob got ready in their hotel and unpacked.

Bart was nervous near Bob.

“Oscar why did you think bringing him was a great idea...” Bart groaned.

”Because it’s hilarious! It could be like the Odd Couple!” Oscar laughed.

Selma could see he was fearful around Bob for a good reason. “Bob let me lay down some ground rules.”

“Okay, I’m all ears.” said Sideshow Bob.

“No attempting to kill Bart or scare him while we’re in China! In fact stay out of his bedroom!” Selma said harshly.

“Fine...” Sideshow Bob groaned.

“And secondly we have to act like a happy married couple while we’re here.” said Selma.

Madame Wu however was generous enough though to personally take the Simpsons and the Terwilligers on a tour.

They were at a Xiaolin Monk Temple.

"This is where monks learn the ancient mystic art of Shiaolin... except we Chinese like to spell it with an X! Because we're annoying like that." said Madame Wu.

There were monks in deep meditation.

"Hey look! I know these guys! You can make funny faces at them and they can't do anything about it!" said Homer. He started making faces at the monks.

"Homer no! You're thinking of Buckingham palace!" Marge yelled.

"Uh no Mom, Dad got beaten up for doing that remember?" Lisa explained their unfortunate holiday to England.

Suddenly the Xiaolin Monks turned on Homer and started fighting him. He beat the crap out of him with martial arts. Then a monk ripped his heart out.

"Kali ma shakti de! Kali ma! Kali maaaaaaa!" Oscar chanted.

"Oz no!" Bart whined.

The monk put Homer's heart back. "I hoped you washed your hands before doing that!" said Homer.

The Simpsons, Bob and Madame Wu decided to move on. They gave embarrassed looks at Homer.

"That was so awesome! I wanna learn Xiaolin and learn how to pull out someone's heart!" Bart cooed.

"That's the spirit bro." said Hugo.

"No wait, it's not cool if you think it is. And it encourages Oscar..." said Bart. "Oh I can't make up my mind!" Bart sighed.


Then they went to another Dojo. This one was titled Master Fung's.

"Oh! I know this place! Madame Wu, allow me to be the guide." said Oscar. He showed them around.

Oscar's friends Omi and the others were practicing martial arts.

"Hi guys!" said Oscar.

"Hey Oscar!" said Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay.

"These are my friends the Simpsons. They come from the same land Omi comes from. Banana people land!" Oscar was being silly about Omi's skin colour.

"Oscar! Stop making fun of me for being bright yellow!" Omi yelled.

"But why are you yellow? Are you made of cheese?!" Bart asked.

Omi growled and stormed off.

"He's really mad Oscar. You have to stop doing that!" said Kimiko.

"Uh... Jack Spicer is trying to break into the Shen Gong Wu vault again..." said Oscar.

The monks found Jack Spicer and his robots trying to steal the Shen Gong Wu. They had a battle.

"Oh these are so coool!" said Oscar.

"Orb of Tsunami! Water! Fist of tebigong! Earth! Sword of the storms! Wind! Star of Harami! Fire!" The monks used their powers.

"Now that is awesome!!" Bart was engrossed in the fighting.


Then they went to Chairman Mao's tomb. He was on display for people to see.

However Homer was cooing at him like he was a baby. "Look at him, he's like the little angel that killed fifty million people! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

The Simpsons, Bob and Madame Wu sighed.

Meanwhile at the UN.

"The people's republic of China?! I thought you guys went back to just being China?" asked America.

"Yes... that's what we wanted you to think! Bwuhahahaha!" a Chinese man representing China pushed a button.

Back at Mao's tomb Chairman Mao came back to life and bursted out of his glass coffin. He Frankenstein walked about. "Grrrrrr! Must destroy capitalism! Rrrrrr!" He growled.

Everyone was screaming and panicking.

"We must run! The Chinese government must have turned communist again! They always do this every UN meeting!" said Madame Wu. They ran away as Chairman Mao caused carnage.


Then they went to a Chinese restaurant.

"We Chinese are very pleased you Americans love our food! Even if it's been tainted with Sodium Glutemate..." said Madame Wu.

However the restaurant owner was a racist Chinese stereotype.

"Aw so aw so! Welcome to Shitty Wok! I get you Shitty Chicken or Shitty pork!" said the owner saying Shitty instead of City. "Or perhaps Mongorian beef? But I don't recommend that, it makes our go brown toilet all day! Oh herro Mongorians!!" He continued before saying hello to some Genghis Khan era Mongolian warriors eating. They glared at him.

Oz enough of the South Park references...


Then they went o the Great Wall of China.

"It says here Bart that Great Wall of China was built to keep out Mongolian barbarians." said Lisa reading a leaflet.

Suddenly there were Mongolians attacking the wall.

"Stupid Mongorians! Stop attacking my wall!!" yelled the racist stereotypical Chinese restaurant owner.

"Let's get outta here..." Bart sighed.


Then they were at a laundrette.

"And we Chinese are well known for running your very inefficient laundrettes! Where we're always very rude and lose clothes!" said Madame Wu.

Homer went inside but the door rang to signify someone entering. He decided to wave his hand at the door to constantly make it ring.

Mr Wing got annoyed and smacked him with a broom.

"You stop that! Every bing bong cost me five Dorrahs!" said Mr Wing.

"Madame Wu when do we get to see our baby?" said Selma.

"Very soon. After we visit the forbidden city." said Madame Wu.

"Why is it forbidden?" Homer asked.

"It's old custom Dad. No one is normally permitted to enter or leave without the emperor's permission." said Lisa.

"Very good Lisa. But now China is a republic we don't need permission from an emperor." said Madame Wu.

They went to Firbidden city.

"Homer what is you job?" Madame Wu asked.

"Nuclear..." Homer was about to reply. Wait! This is the Chinese! They might want to steal nuclear secrets!! Homer's brain was talking to him.

"Chinese acrobat!" said Homer. His family face palmed.

"I see, not that matters as it is most important I know what Mr Terwilliger's employment is..." said Madame Wu.

Selma and Sideshow Bob gulped.

"Well I was a sideshow on the Krusty the Clown show for a while... then I became a radio host in Seattle..." Sideshow Bob lied.

Bart was about to shout out he wasn't but Oscar stopped him.

"Bart don't! The last thing you need right now is a reason for Bob to murder you..." said Oscar.


The family returned to their hotel.

Bart was watching Chinese commercials.

"Cool! A Chinese Trix commercial!" said Bart.

Some Chinese kids were eating Trix cereal when the Trix bunny appeared.

"Silly Wabbit, Trix are for kids!" said a boy.

"You share!" yelled the Trix Bunny and he killed all the kids with martial arts before taking the cereal.

"Oh my! So violent!" said Marge.

Bart went to his room.

Sideshow Bob went to see him.

"Bart, I can't thank you enough for not embarrassing me in front of everyone. Including your dear Aunt Selma." said Bob.

"I wasn't doing it for you Bob! I was doing it for Selma so she can get her baby!" said Bart. "Now we have to be careful we don't talk about what it is because walls have ears here..."

Bart knew the Chinese had a habit of bugging hotel rooms.

"No they do not! Continue your idle conversation!" boomed Madame Wu's voice from somewhere.

Plot 3[]

Then Madame Wu took them to a gardening store.

"Gardening equipment ay?" Bart smirked.

He got Oscar to help him lay down lots of rakes everywhere. "Oh... Bob... There's a Gilbert and Sullivan opera on..."

"Oh where!?" said Bob. However he ran into the rakes and they slammed him in the face. He groaned and got stuck in the rakes with them constantly whacking him.

Bart laughed hysterically.

Eventually Selma and Bob got to see their new daughter Ling Ling. A cute little girl with black hair wearing pink. She liked Homer's eyes for some reason.

Ling ling squeezed Homer’s eyes.

”Ow! She likes my eyes for some reason.” said Homer.

”So? I like cartoon animals with big wet shiny noses like my teddy bear Teddy.” said Oscar honking and squeezing Teddy’s big wet shiny black nose. It squeaked like a toy. Teddy winced.

Meanwhile at overhearing Bart, Madame Wu decided he'd like to see an opera. He didn't and the entire Simpsons family were bored.

"Lisa you are very insightful!" said Madame Wu.

"Yes they say I'm pretty clever!" said Lisa.

"Well Tibet was pretty independent! What do you say about that? Huh!" Madame Wu deliberately goaded Lisa.

"Why you! How dare you make light of that barbaric-!" Lisa yelled but Marge gagged her.

"Uh we have nothing to say about that Ms Wu." said Marge.

However it wasn't Lisa that caused trouble but Oscar.

Madame Wu took them to Tianaman Square.

"Wasn't there a picture of a man holding up a line of tanks here..." said Oscar.

Hundreds of Chinese police arrested him.

The Simpsons gasped.


They visited him in prison.

"Oscar why did you have to say that..." Marge sighed.

"And to think I was about to put my foot in it with my liberalism!" said Lisa.

"Thank goodness I stopped you!" said Marge.

"Why are we bothered? He's not our kid and this doesn't stop Selma taking home her new daughter." said Homer.

"Actually Mr Simpson. I found that Mrs Tewilliger had been committing adultury while her husband was in prison!" said Madame Wu.

"Selma why would you do this to me?!" said Bob acting surprised.

"Mr Terwilliger we also don't allow ex convicts to adopt..." said Madame Wu.

She took away Ling Ling.

"My baby!" Selma cried.

The Simpsons were horrified.


However they concocted a plan to break out Oscar then rescue Ling Ling. Oscar broke himself out so it was just get Ling Ling. They spray painted Homer gold so he looked like a Buddha statue.

"Now remember Dad. The Buddha is supposed to look content." said Lisa

"Content?" Homer asked.

"Just think of that delicious chocolate cake you had once." said Lisa.

Homer went Mmmmmmm! and smiled. The Simpsons left him outside.

"A bhudda statue! We must take it inside!" said some Chinese guards.

"It very heavy! We use hooks!" said another guard. They dragged Homer in via a hook up his nose. He tried not to scream out loud in pain.

Once he was left he snuck into the dormitory to find Ling Ling.

"Ling Ling... Ling ling?" Homer whispered.

Ling Ling gurgled at him.

He found her and picked her up. However she squeezed his eyes.

"Ow! She likes my eyes!" said Homer.


Eventually he returned Ling Ling to Selma at a town square.

However the family reunion was cut short as Madame Wu arrived in a tank.

"Not so fast! Give that baby back! I can not allow her to be raised by a cuckold and an ex convict!" said Madame Wu.

Guards surrounded the Simpsons and Oscar.

"This looks like a job for Indiana Jones!!" said Oscar. "Played by my friend Toon Link!"

Oscar put on a radio that played boss music from Indiana Jones Greatest Adventures on the Snes. Toon Link in his Indiana Jones outfit killed the guards with his pistols and attacked the tank. He shot at it and whipped it.

"Oh no! Tanks can't stand up to Indiana Jones! Especially in video games!" Madame Wu lamented. Her tank blew up taking her with it.

"Cooooool!" said Hugo.

"How is that cool?!" Bart ranted.

As Madame Wu lay dying the Simpsons felt sorry for her and listened to her last words.

“I guess I have been too hasty and obsessed with my country’s laws... I was raised by a single mother.” said Madame Wu. The Simpsons and Selma and Bob and Ling Ling gasped. “My father choked to death on his food. The Heimlich was invented the very next day...” Madame Wu then died.

The Simpsons felt very bad for Madame Wu now that in her dying moments she finally understood that some children are brought up with a single parent in other cultures.

The Simpsons quickly got on their plane back to America. Homer gets in trouble at customs for trying to smuggle a baby panda.

“Sir you can’t take that baby panda with you...” said customs.

“But he’s cute! And- Yeeeeeeow!” The panda cub bites Homer’s hand. “Why you little!” Homer strangles the baby panda. Then the panda cub’s father an adult panda strangles Homer.

“Oh god! No not again!” Homer screams, giving Mr Panda back his baby. “Remember Springfield Zoo, panda exhibit?”

“Hi beautiful...” the male panda made bedroom eyes at him.

“Eeeeeew!” the Simpsons and Selma and Bob groaned.


"Well that was one Adventure... hey boy?" Homer asked as they flew home.

"Feast on my shorts stupid father man!" said a Chinese midget impersonating Bart.

"Hey! That's not Bart!" said Lisa.

"Of course I am Sister zilla!" said the midget.

"Eh close enough..." said Homer stroking the midget's fake Bart spikes. The midget giggled.

In China somewhere....

"They left me behind?!" Bart gasped.

"Looks like you're... Home alone!" Quipped Oscar. They did Kevin McCallister screams.

Elsewhere as the episode drew to a close the dragons were singing again.

"American jerks are going home! Now we sleep for a thousand years! When we wake the world will end!!" The red dragon sings.

"Shut up you queer dragons!" Homer yelled.

The end!