Girly Edition Groundskeeper Willie returns to haunt the Simpson kid's nightmares again. Then Lisa forms a kid's news show, but Bart wants to join and the producer lets him. As usual he causes problems for poor Lisa... Meanwhile Homer gets a Helper Monkey.
Bart is watching Itchy and Scratchy.
“Hmm. I want a job.” Scratchy asks Itchy at a glass blowing place.
”You've got it.” said Itchy. He shoves him in the glass blowing oven.
(Scratchy yelling and screaming)
”Dude! Not funny!” Jurkle the Jewish kid yelled angrily at the TV.
Bart rolled his eyes.
”Ooh, ooh. Ow!“ Scratchy cried.
(Itchy blowing glass. Scratchy is inside the molten glass clearly in pain)
(Whimpers) “I quit.” (Screams) (Flames Lapping)
“No. No. No!” Scratchy screamed. (Laughing) Bart was laughing.
Jurkle stormed off offended.
“Man, you'd think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows. But-“ said Bart, Scratchy screamed. (Laughs)
Krusty said the same thing on his show as he laughed at the cartoon as the kids in the audience watched.
‘Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.” said the interfering producers.
”Aw, please. What don't they learn? Don't trust mice. Cats are made of glass.“ said Krusty.
”Our license renewal is on the bubble. We need educational programming fast.“ said the lady producer agent.
”What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour?“ Krusty asked.
“That's barely legal as it is. Here's what I was thinking. A newscast for kids by kids.” said the producer.
“Well, you're not taking any time out of my show. It's jammed up as it is. There's the monologue... those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time... the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Pepino- I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV.” said Krusty.
“We're cutting 10 minutes from your show.” said the producer,
”Well, I guess... we could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20.” said Krusty.
”No! Not the hobo parades!” Oscar cried.
Bart face palmed.
”Ach. She's a bonny pile. Now for a wee nip and a wee nap.“ said Willie taking a nap.
(Chains clinking and rattling)
“Oh hey Hugo...” Bart said to his twin brother. “Ready, Milhouse?” He was performing a stupid dangerous stunt.
“Ready.” said Milhouse.
Bart does a stunt which I assume is water skiing but on land riding a skateboard as something yanks him along. He grunts knocking things over and girls scream as he disrupts them.
”Whoa!“ said Nelson.
“Whoa!” said everyone.
Bart crashes into Willie’s log pile but is unhurt.
”You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull.” said Bart.
“Rats.” Milhouse groaned paying him.
Willie woke up and saw his poor log pile smashed apart and logs scattered everywhere.
“Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness."
“Oh my god! He said raped!” Oscar screamed.
”Censored!” Channel 4 yelled.
“Hi, Willie.” said Bart not realising Willie is dead in my canon because Treehouse of Horror VI is canon...
Willie snatched his skateboard.
”My board!“ Bart whined.
“It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlir.” said Willie.
"Willie, I'm sorry! Wait a minute! You're dead!" Bart explained.
"No, you're dead!" Willie replies and swipes his rake across Bart as the dream abruptly ends.
"Aaaaah! Huh? I was dreaming?!" Bart asks himself. He is relieved his skateboard is in bed with him. He gets up but finds bloody lacerations across his stomach. "Aaaaaaahh!" he screams again.
That morning Marge is bandaging him up. He puts the bloody pajamas in the wash.
"He got me too. But with hedge clippers." said Lisa. Willie had cut off some of her star hair points.
"I thought Maggie defeated him." Homer asks.
"He came back, but was just ordinary Groundskeeper Willie! He must have his dream powers again!" Bart explained. "Say, where's Oscar?"
“I don’t know probably got trapped in the third dimension behind the bookcase again.” said Marge.
Oscar was in the three dimensional universe looking about.
"Holy macaroni!" CGI Oscar yelled.
"Can you not yell so loud..." Jimmy Neutron groaned.
In the kitchen.
"Anyway I'm too grievously wounded to go to school." said Bart gesturing to his lacerations that were bandaged up.
"Nice try..." Marge sent him off together dressed and attend school.
Bart took his lunch and groaned.
At School Bart decides to prank the dead Willie and in a way his replacement by flooding Willie's shack with creamed corn.
Lunch Lady Doris just happened to be making creamed corn that day.
She stirred it then tasted some.
While she's preoccupied Bart puts the ventilation tube of Willie's shack into the pot of creamed corn, it gets sucked up and taken to Willie's shack.
Willie's spectre unfortunately apparates in the creamed corn filled shack and tries to eat his way out.
"Ach! I'll have to eat my way out!"
He tries but even he can't stomach Doris's cooking.
"Ach! No wonder the kids hate this stuff!" Willie groans. His shack explodes.
"Whoa!" Oscar exclaimed.
Bart is standing nearby laughing. Willie growls and strangles him.
"Ack! Hey! You can't be here while I'm awake! (Choking sounds) can you?" Bart gags as he's being strangled.
Willie puts him down. They read some scripts from the Nightmare on Elm Street films. Especially scenes where Freddy does turn up in the real world, whether this is micro sleep or the characters are having visions I don't know, but he did kill that creepy gym teacher.
"Looks like I can, ya wee brat!" Willie throttles him again.
Bart gasped and wheezed.
"And now, you die." said Willie rasping in a feral and malevolent manner morphing his dungarees and shirt into his Freddy Krueger sweater and pants.
Bart gasps in horror as scary horror movie music plays.
That week Lisa and some students signed up for a student news program that would be broadcasted live on TV.
Lisa was told the news by Skinner.
"Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a childrers news program... and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor-child." said Skinner.
[Gasps] "Oh, my gosh! Today's top story- Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true." Lisa acts like a sassy news anchor.
"Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor." said Skinner.
"I know. I already jumped to that conclusion." said Lisa smug.
"Hmm. All right. If you're so smart... tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor." said Skinner.
"Me?" Lisa asked.
"Take your sash and go." Skinner sighed.
Elsewher Bart was still being threatened by Freddy Krueger Willie.
"This isn't right. This isn't right at all." Bart whined backing away from Willie.
"I'll split you in two." Willie growled.
"Aw. Gaaaaaagh!" Willie cried as Oscar stabbed a sharpened crucifix large enough to be displayed on the front of a church through him. He collapsed into ashes.
"Um okay..." said Bart.
In the Kidz Newz set.
Lisa is anchor, Oscar is the cameraman, Nelson is sports, Hugo is the caterer serving fish heads, Milhouse is an advice and ideas slot and Ralph is weather. However Bart wants to be on the program to annoy Lisa, he sits in the swivel chair pretending to be Blofeld from the James Bond films. Oscar was zooming in and out on the cameras too much and focusing on random Kidz Newz members who weren’t supposed to be on camera yet. So he ended up amusingly getting footage of Nelson picking his nose.
bart read the people who were on the news team.
“Nerd. Nerd. Nelson?” Bart asked.
”Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me.” said Lisa.
Bart glared at Nelson. Nelson gave him a confused look. “Nelson what the hell is wrong with you?!”
”Hey! How comes Hugo gets to be on your team?” Bart groaned.
”Because Hugo doesn’t argue with me or muck about. And he’s only on catering.” said Lisa. A foul smell of rotten fish made her gag. “Hugo! None of us want to eat fish heads...”
Hugo rolled his eyes annoyed. He was trying to serve fish heads.
"Bart, you didn't sign up for Kid's Newz, get out of the chair..." Lisa groans.
"Silence Octopussy!" Bart retorts.
"Bart! Get out!" Lisa yells. Eventually he does but pulls a face at her.
”Fine! I’ll find a way to get on your dumb news team!” Bart ranted.
At home in the kitchen.
“Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered.” said Bart reading Lisa’s list of jobs. Ie sports, advice aunt, etc.
”Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get... as a second-grader to produce my own TV show... and I'm not gonna let you screw it up.” Lisa ranted.
Bart saw Mom was listening. Now’s my chance! Hehehe! “Mom!” He whined.
“Oh, let your brother do sports.” Marge told Lisa.
”Mom!” Lisa whined.
“That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.” said Marge.
Bart stuck his tongue out at Lisa.
Kent Brockman comes in to make sure everything is under control and his producer is on standby.
"Hey, I'm on TV. Fart." said Nelson saying Fart on camera.
"Come on. Quit fooling around, you guys." Lisa sighed.
[Evil Voice] "So we meet again, Mr. Bond." said Bart.
"Bart, get out of my anchor chair." Lisa said sharply.
"Silence, Octopussy." said Bart.
"Come on. This isn't a joke." Lisa sighed. "All over town, kids are just waking up from their naps cranky and hungry for the news."
"Wow. Kent Brockman." said Nelson as Kent arrived.
"Good luck, kids. Where the hell's my grilled cheese?" said Kent.
"Mmmmmm! Grilled cheese...." Oscar moaned and drooled.
One episode, Bart is allowed on as a guest reporter. His report is on a fight between Mr Largo and Kerney which resulted in Kearney being suspended. He also announces it's dodgeball season at gym class.
After the show Bart has to brush his teeth because he had blueberry stains from a muffin he ate.
“Damn blueberry stains...” Bart muttered as he brushed his teeth with an electric toothbrush.
The producer insists Bart will be an asset to the show as Lisa's co anchor.
"From now on, you're Lisa's coanchor."
"What?" Lisa gasped.
"Ooh, that's gotta hurt." said Bart ringing a boxing/wrestling ring [Bell Dings]
However Lisa doesn't want a co-anchor.
"He's not taking the show seriously..." Lisa whined.
The producer explains Bart has something that can't be learnt in school, he's popular and fun with the audience. (He's a novelty news broadcaster to Lisa's straightman.) Pizzazz or whatever you call it.
Lisa tries to argue that Bart's never read a newspaper and is a little dumb. However Bart can hear them from his make up room. He is upset by Lisa's remarks.
Meanwhile Homer is being too lazy to do house work so he tries to buy an animal for the disabled/elderly. He wants a helper monkey.
In fact what gave him the idea that Helper monkeys exist was finding Apu replaced by a monkey.
Homer goes into Apu's store.
"Ooh, the gum with a cracker center." said Homer.
He brought his stuff he was buying to the till. "Mmm. That'll do it, Apu. So just-" But Apu was now a monkey!!
[Shrieks] Homer screamed.
"Do not be alarmed. That is just my helper monkey, sir. I got him after a robber shot me six times... and left me for dead." said the real Apu. Still human but in bandages and casts in a wheelchair.
"Helper monkey, eh?" said Homer.
He went to a pet store that sold animals for the disabled.
"Sir, these animals for disabled or elderly people only." The shopkeeper explained.
"What do the dogs do?" Homer asked.
"Sir they're seeing eye dogs for the blind." said the owner.
"Can I have a monkey?" Homer asked.
"Are you handicapped?" The owner asked.
"No, just lazy." said Homer.
"Then no... there are poor souls who really need these animals..." said the owner.
Homer arrives later with his dad. "My dad needs a helper monkey."
"Very well, he's twenty dollars and-" The shopkeeper explains, but homer takes the monkey and throws money at him.
Homer then drops Abe at his retirement home without the monkey.
"Mmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey..." Abe doesn't realize he won't be seeing the monkey again.
Also you can't eat a monkey. Freak...
However Marge wasn't expecting the monkey and chases it around the kitchen with a broom.
The monkey screeched jumping about.
[Shouts] Marge tries to swat the monkey.
"No! Don't hit him!" Oscar whined.
"Is there a problem, honey?" Homer asked.
"Monkey. There's a monkey in the house." Marge yelled.
[Yells] She tries to swat at the monkey with her broom.
"Oh, I see you've met Mojo." Homer replied.
"Homer... Why did you bring a filthy monkey into the house?" Marge asked.
"He's my Helper monkey. And this filthy monkey made the orange juice you're drinking!" Homer replied.
Marge spits out her orange juice.
"Look he can do all sorts of things! Watch!" Homer picks up the kitchen phone. "Simpsons residence!" He says down the phone before returning it to its holder.
Mojo then picks it up and makes monkey sounds down it. (Squeaks and chatter.)
Marge sighs and goes elsewhere.
"Hehehehe! I like monkeys..." Oscar giggled.
Bart is on the front doorstep trying to read a newspaper. He groans as it's boring.
"Okay lets try to improve my mind. Supreme Court reverses.... Ooooooh! Booooriiiing!"
"Ok, I will read one comic..." However even the comic bores him. Marge then runs out. "Mom, am I dumb?"
"Honey, I'd like to answer your question, but right now mommy needs a tetanus shot!" Marge runs off somewhere.
He went for a walk.
As he walked in the background there was a man on fire running around screaming. And a giant baby stomping about.
"I have got to show stupid Lisa a thing or two...."
He encounters Sherri and Terri.
"Hey girls." said Bart.
"We saw what you did to Willie's shack Bart." said one twin.
"And?" Bart asked.
"This time you're in for it, Bart." said the other twin.
[Scoffs] "Huh! What's he gonna do?" said Bart.
Freddy Krueger Willie appeared! "I'll kill ya!" He roared as he strangled Bart.
Satan appeared. "All right. Back to Hell..." Satan took Willie back to Hell.
"I'll get you for this Bart Simpson!" Willie yelled as he was dragged back to Hell.
"Uh...." Sherri and Terri were also baffled.
Bart then goes to Kent Brockman's mansion. Kent answers the door.
"I don't give to charity..." said Kent.
"It's about my sister..." Bart asks. "I'm trying to teach her a lesson in news broadcasting."
"Sister eh? I have a sister! Miss Big shot of the Supreme Court! Come in, I'll show you around." Kent Brockman replies, griping about his unnamed sister. He invites Bart in and shows him his awards.
Including golden coifs. Seven Iron Mikes.
There were seven Mike Tyson clones just standing there.
"I like to eat ears." they said in unison.
And the most prestigious award given by Del Monte. The company that makes cans of fruit pieces in syrup...
Bart winced once more in exasperation.
Bart then asks how he became a successful news reader.
"My specialty is people stories. Here's a tape of one." Kent shows a tape of an old story he did of a merry go round being dismantled to build a mall.
Bart grins as he now has material to get his own back at Lisa for calling him dumb.
At Kid's Newz, Bart tells a phony heartfelt story of a man named Joe who used to feed the ducks until they vanished. The story plays sad music at the end.
Different citzens across Springfield react to the sad story.
Mr Burns is crying. “Smithers, do you think my power plant could have killed those ducks?” He stuttered in tears blubbering.
“It’s a possibility sir.” said Smithers.
After the show is cut for commercial break. Bart is praised by the producer.
"I would be crying now. But I've had Botox." said the female producer.
However Lisa's not impressed. "That was just sanctimonious garbage! You don't care about Joe! You're just drawing in views for the lowest common denominator!"
"This has been another episode of Bart's people." Bart responds with his line. Lisa groans as if she's about to scream and storms off.
Homer gets Mojo to steal donuts for him. However Mojo eats the donuts. "This isn't helping! You're supposed to be helping!" Homer whines. Mojo throws him a donut. "I don't need your pity!" Homer then grabs the donut and eats it while crying.
“I wanna shoulder monkey wearing a tiny fez! And I’ll call him Abu!” said Oscar.
“Oh wait! I forgot I’m Genie!” said Homer turning into Genie and using magic to take the donuts from Mojo.
Mojo squeaked disappointed and made Abu sounds.
At Kid's Newz, Bart continues to tell sanctimonious stories for Bart's people.
He's at the old folks home telling a story as the old folks make flags out of odd scraps of colourful rags. He calls them patriots.
So Lisa tries to play him at his own game with her own live segment, but just gets attacked by the Crazy Cat Lady and humiliated when she thinks a train no longer runs when it runs past her in the background.
At home, Lisa is in her room plotting a way to humiliate Bart. She gets an idea and laughs evilly. However Mojo comes in and starts laughing too. Lisa is so shocked by the monkey she screams and runs out.
Lisa tricks Bart into going to the Springfield garbage dump. However he annoys her by mentioning he has a helicopter.
"They gave you a chopper?!" Lisa yelled.
Bart arrives at the garbage dump to interview the unfortunate soul living there. However they turn out to be Groundskeeper Willie!
"Aaaaaaagh! Groundskeeper Willie!" Bart yelps. Willie tries to attack him and breaks the camera.
"Oh no! What have I done!" Lisa gasps. "Nelson cover for me!" Lisa runs off to rescue Bart.
Nelson decides to do armpit farts.
"Ooooh Bart, it's the police! We've arrested that nasty old Willie!" Groundskeeper Willie taunts Bart.
Bart is stupid enough to fall for his trick and reveals where he was hiding, in the boot of an old car. "Gee, thanks officer- Aaaaagh!"
Willie starts trying to hit him with a pipe.
"No! Willie stop!" Lisa begs him.
"Away with you lass! I have to destroy him while I'm still temporary insane!" Willie retorts.
"But... He's your son!" Lisa yells.
"What?!" Willie yells.
Oscar makes an unhelpful dun dun dun! sound.
"Well not really... But isn't he everyone's son? That little hell raiser. You can't make a monster then whine when it stomps on a few buildings. I'm Lisa and this is Bart's people."
She seemed to have gotten through to Willie. He sniffles and walks off. "You're right! I've been a terrible father."
Lisa gets Bart out of the boot of the old car. Luckily he was unharmed.
"Wow! That suit's sure made of strong stuff!"
"Yeah... But I guess I owe you an apology for hijacking your news show." Bart replies apologetic for taking over Lisa's show with his silly people's stories.
"Let's never fight again. Together we could make Kid's Newz unstoppable!"
The newly rebooted Kid's Newz has a cool theme tune. However it's cancelled for a Chocobot commercial.
"Hey! They replaced our news show for this?!" Lisa yells.
"Let's teach those media corporates a lesson! Power up!" Bart yells as they turn into super heroes and fly off to teach the media corporates a lesson for cancelling their show.
Later on, Marge discovered what her daughter had done to her brother and was waiting at home for her.
"Lisa Simpson! I need to talk to you right now, young lady!"
Marge confronted her daughter in the kitchen. She was angry.
"Mom, why are you mad?" Lisa asked.
"Lisa, i saw Bart getting attacked by Groundskeeper Willie on Kidz Newz the other day and I found a fake note," Marge interrogated. "claiming to be from that same unfortunate soul - in your own writing! By doing so, you almost got your own brother killed! What were you thinking?!"
About an hour of lecturing and scolding, Marge punished Lisa for endangering Bart's life and sent her to her room.
Meanwhile Marge comes home one afternoon to find it a complete mess and Homer and Mojo lying amongst the mess having been snacking all day.
"Look at this mess! I thought you said that monkey would help us, but he's just lying there!" Marge nagged.
"His cholesterol is through the roof what do you expect?" Homer retorted.
"And why is he wearing a diaper? I thought you said he was house trained?!" Marge nagged.
"Marge, he's clearly marked his territory." said Homer.
"Homer, I want you to give that monkey back! He doesn't look very healthy." said Marge. Mojo was breathing heavily.
"He's fine. Show Marge your happy dance Mojo!" said Homer.
Mojo weakly got up and tried to dance but was exhausted.
Sometime later Homer dumped Mojo in a box at the animal store and rang the door before running away.
The shopkeeper was horrified by Mojo's condition.
"Mojo! What have they done to you?!" said the shopkeeper alarmed.
He gives Mojo a spell and say toy. He types something.
"Pray for Mojo." said the toy.
Suddenly the PowerPuff Girls arrived!
"You're crime spree ends today, Mojo Jojo!" said Blossom.
Bart who witnessed this, winced exasperated.
Kidz Newz was on.
"And now, Kidz Newz." said Nelson.
♪ [Singing Melody] the badass new melody played.
"With Kidz Newz anchor- Lisa."
♪ [Singing Melody]
"Thank you. Our top story today- In a move that could affect children townwide... the library book purchase committee slashed its budget by three percent. First on the chopping block- periodicals." said Lisa.
"Boring." Nelson groaned.
"And now sports." said Lisa.
Bart was back on sports. "Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn... 'cause here comes dodgeball action." He throws a dodgeball at the camera. "The shirts continued their domination over the skins today. And in school yard fights, the highly anticipated match... [Bell Dings] between Kearney and Mr. Largo ended in a disqualification... for use of dog-doo on a stick. Lisa."
"Eeeeeew!" Lisa groaned.
They were being watched on TV by the Mattel corporate producers of the chocobot thingy.
"They beat up our board of shareholders and got us cancelled for this?!" said a producer.
After Kidz Newz ended for the day. Once again the Botox lady tried steering Lisa into reinstating Bart as Co-anchor.
"Lisa, Bart's got something you can't learn in school- "zazz."" said the Botox lady.
"What is "zazz"?" Lisa asked.
""Zing," "zork," "kapowza"- Call it what you want. In any language it spells mazuma in the bank." said the lady rubbing her fingers to mean money.
""Zork"? What is "zork"?" Lisa asked grimacing.
"It's a retro video game where you have to avoid going into dark areas otherwise a grue will eat you!" said Oscar.
"Um yes..." said the Botox lady.