Simpsons Fanon
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Funeral for a Fiend The Simpsons buy a TiVo, that lets them skip commercials, vastly improving their TV watching. But Marge has a strangely specifically aimed nightmare about a Media corporate complaining that by her skipping commercials he can’t afford plastic surgery to continue looking attractive. Marge then decides to watch every commercial. There is one for a restaurant strangely aimed directly at the Simpsons as it specifically mentions it serves their favourite foods. Despite this the Simpsons want to go to the restaurant only to find the owner is Sideshow Bob!!

In act 2 Sideshow Bob’s latest evil scheme to kill the Simpsons fails spectacularly and he is arrested and brought before court. However all of his family turn up for moral support. After Bart explains to the people once again Sideshow Bob is evil despite him trying to pain Bart as evil, Bob tries to suicide bomb the court room with a vial of Nitroglycerin.

However it was actually his heart medication and he dies... supposedly...


But Bart knows something doesn’t quite add up...

Plot[]

The couch gag is a magician making the couch and then the Simpsons appear. There is no chalkboard gag as it is a shortened title sequence.

The episode starts with Homer taking Bart to the electronics store for a new camera battery. Why specifically Bart I don’t know.

“Can’t a father spend time with his boy?” asked Homer.

Oscar frowned as he walked Hugo on a lead.

They then see Moe putting a flat screen TV on the roof of his car.

“Sir would you like me to help you?” A store clerk asks Moe.

“Oh I ain’t paying you five bucks to tie the TV to the roof of my car! I’ll just stand it.” said Moe. The TV fell off and smashed. Rainbow liquid from the liquid crystals leaked out. Then tiny TV people and cartoon characters climbed out of the liquid and ran away with high pitched voices.

“Oz...” Bart sighed.

“Oh well... I’ll have to go back to chasing family cars with TVs in them!” said Moe. He chased after Hibbert’s car. The kids were watching Sesame Street. “Big Bird in China?! Won’t Grover get lonely? Oh wait they have a celebrity guest...” said Moe.

Homer took Bart in the store.

“Oooooh! Look at all these electrical items! Such wonders...” said Homer. “But remember boy, we’re just here for a new camera battery.”

“Ah raspberries... I wanna play on the games consoles until you’re finished...” Bart sighed.

“Sir are you interested in a new car radio?” A clerk asked.

“Nope! Just here for a battery!” said Homer.

“We’ve got a big discount special on camcorders!” said another clerk.

“Nope! Battery battery battery!” said Homer.

“Care to make love to me handsome?” A sexy blond lady asked.

“Uh... that’s an oddly specific request... no... I’m here for a battery!” Homer was concerned by the lady.

Homer was looking at the camera batteries. He was being a cheapskate and wanted the cheapest and weakest battery. He bought a brand called Dead already.

“Dad, you being a cheapskate when buying batteries is probably why they run down so fast! Don’t be such a Scrooge! Get a proper battery!” said Bart.

“I’ll teach you who’s a Scrooge! Raaaarw!” Home strangles Bart. “You buy a better battery with your money!”

Then...

Later Homer relents and buys a proper battery.

“That’s twenty five dollars or free with a two hundred dollar TiVo and two months free subscription.” said the store clerk.

“Deal! Sucker...” said Homer leaving without his TiVo,

“Sir your TiVo?” The clerk asked.

“My what now?” Homer asked.

...

At home in the lounge.

Lisa is Lying under the TV table installing the TiVo. Because apparently she’s the gadget genius now as well...

“Come on! Come on Lisa! The Tv’s been off for five whole minutes!” Homer whined.

“And done! We have TiVo!!” said Lisa wheeling herself out from under the TV. She sat up and had oil on her face somehow. She wiped the oil off with a rag. They all sat down to watch TV. “Now we can skip commercials!” Lisa explained. They decided to watch Itchy and Scratchy.

Scratchy is at a balloon mascot parade. Itchy inflates him with helium and he floats up as a balloon. Balloon Scratchy tried to swim in the air as Itchy and Toon Link pull the strings on their bows with fire arrows ready to fire.

The cartoon cuts to commercials.

“Will itchy kill Scratchy yet again? Or will something else happen? Stay tuned for these ten commercials kids!” said Krusty.

“Oh no we won’t!” said Lisa in a sing song voice as she skipped commercials. There was the Duff in the jungle commercial, Funzo, Mr Sparkle... Wes Doobner’s restaurant commercial. Pay attention for that last one...

“Ha! I spit on your corpse advertised Television!” said Homer gloating.

The cartoon comes back on.

“And now the thrilling conclusion to today’s episode of Itchy and Scratchy!” said Krusty.

Itchy and Toon Link’s fire arrows hit balloon Scratchy and he exploded! His guts rain down on cartoon animals. They celebrate thanksgiving and eat his guts... Yeeeuck!

“That didn’t make sense scientifically! Helium is inert, it doesn’t do anything except give you a squeaky voice... Hydrogen is flammable and explosive...” said Hugo wearing his glasses and lab coat.

“Hugo, it’s a cartoon! Cartoons don’t have to make sense!” said Lisa.

“Well I like this new TiVo! For once I could follow the story without interrupting commercials!” said Marge.

Everyone agreed and nodded chatting with each other.

...

“Let’s see what else is on... Oh! Opal!” said Marge as non copyrighted original character Opal (Oprah you twit!) was on.

“Well you’ve certainly given us some words to eat by Dr Chef!” said Opal. “After this commercial break from the depths of R’lyeh my next guest Cthulhu will be discussing his candidacy for president!”

“I have a message for you! Boopy doopy doop!” said Marge skipping the commercials.

...

At dinner Marge hugged the TiVo remote. “I watched so much TV! I saved Lost! Watched all of Rome in a day! And got through Two and a half men in two and a half minutes!” said Marge. How is that possible? “Then I had to chose between Sophie’s Choice and Schindler’s List... Why must TV be so good...”

“Now you know how I feel honey...” said Homer.

However that night Marge fell asleep in front of the Tv watching Cheers. She had a nightmare that she was woken by Keith Olbermann angry at her for skipping commercials. He claimed she was stealing wages from hard working TV executives.

“Oh please! You once flew first class!” said Marge.

“I was upgraded against my will!” Keith yelled. “Marge, you think I’m handsome don’t you?”

“Kinda...” Marge blushed.

“Well it takes money to make me look good!” said Keith. “Without my cosmetic surgery I look like a swamp monster from a child’s nightmares!” He pulls off his face to reveal he is a scary swamp monster. “Then it gets better.” The next monster isn’t so scary. “Then it gets worse!!” He turns into even scarier swamp monsters.

Marge screams.

...

The kids one down the next morning to find Marge watching commercials.

“Mom why are you watching the commercials...” Bart asked as Marge was watching a commercial on mops.

“Can’t talk! Have to honour our advertisers...” said Marge staring at the TV.

“Oh great! Did you have the nightmare about Keith Olbermann as a swamp monster too?!” Oscar asked.

“We all did! Wha5 an odd coincidence!” said Bart.

“I smell something suspicious...” said Oscar.

“Quiet please kids. I have to buy toothpaste! Lease a car and vote yes on prop 69!” said Marge.

“No Mom! Prop 69 let’s big polluters like Mr Burns off the hook!” said Lisa.

“Impossible! Their commercial is a talking cartoon frog!” said Marge.

“So you tell those idiots at congress to let BP do their thing!” said a cartoon frog on the TV.

“Stupid Kermit...” said Oscar.

“Come on! We have to stop Keith Olbermann! Or at least find out why he is in everyone’s nightmares!” said Bart. The kids went off on an adventure.

“Make sure to wear jackets!” said Marge.

...

Meanwhile at the evil Springfield Republican Party Headquarters castle...

“Bwahahahaha! Excellent Smithers! Using my new bad dream ray to put subliminal nightmares about Keith Olbermann into people’s heads while they sleep will defeat the scourge of TiVo for ever!” laughed Mr Burns.

“Yes Sir.” said Smithers.

“Mmmmhahahahaha! Excellent idea Monty! TiVo is the sworn enemy of TV advertising mongols and media tycoons everywhere!” said Rupert Murdoch laughing evilly. “And once I dispose of Paul Anka, nothing will stop me conquering the world with evil adverting mascots! Nothing! Mwuhahahaha!”

“Ahem! This is to benefit my evil scheme! Enjoy your clean not polluted water while it lasts Springfield! Bwahahahaha!” said Mr Burns.

“Arrrr! Face it Monty. Everyone is benefiting from your scheme! Even the new guy Wes Doobner is cooking something up!” said Rich Texan Guy.

“Yeehaw! That’s right pardner! Those Simpsons won’t know what hit them when they come to my restaurant! Yippee ki aye!” said a cowboy with a moustache.

“I ain’t your partner you stereotypical cartoon cowboy! What are you? Some sort of rip off of Yosemite Sam?” asked Rich Texan.

“No he’s our two o clock...” said Mr Burns.

...

That early evening the Simpsons caught sight of a commercial for Wes Doobner’s world famous family style rib huts.

“Not today...” said Bart taking the TiVo to skip the commercials.

“Wait! A commercial for a new rib place! I love ribs!” said Homer.

“Are you tired of family arguments over dinner?” Wes Doobner a cowboy owner of a rib place asked.

“Sometimes I just wish I could just get the bus outta here....” Homer sighed.

“Then come on down to my world famous family style rib huts! We’ve got a little something for everyone!” said Wes Doobner.

“Good luck with my finicky family...” said Homer.

“We’ve got ribs.” said Wes.

“Sold!” Homer was immediately interested by ribs.

“Plain spaghetti.” said Wes. What blockhead would want that...

“Meh...” said Marge.

“With Butter!” said Wes adding butter to the plain spaghetti.

“Yowza!” said Marge joyfully. Who even says Yowza?! And Marge you are weird...

“Texas tofu.” said Wes.

“Yummy yumma!” said Lisa eagerly.

“Fish heads. By the bucket load.” said Wes holding a bucket of smelly fish heads.

“Ho boy!” said Hugo rubbing his hands eagerly. Okay now I’m suspicious...

“And the world’s easiest kids menu maze!” said Wes.

“Cool! Let me at it!” said Bart excited.

And so that night they decided to go to Wes Doobner’s world famous family style rib huts that night.

...

They pulled up at the restaurant that had a strangely empty car lot.

“That’s odd. There’s no one here...” said Marge.

“More ribs for me!” said Homer.

They go inside to a bare room with no tables and chairs to sit at.

“I see no tables or chairs.” said Bart confused.

“More ribs for me.” said Homer slightly less cheerful.

“I see no grill or stove or any food of any kind!” said Lisa.

“More ribs for me?” Homer said confused.

Suddenly the doors windows and shutters slammed shut on their own and sealed them in! Dun dun dun!

The Simpsons and Oscar were startled to find themselves locked in.

“Howdy Simpsons!” said Wes Doobner slightly eerily.

“Finally... some service!” said Homer. “Look we want a table for... (Homer counts his family and Oscar) seven and one baby chair. And one complementary bread basket.” “And we want to sit under a cool license plate! Michigan or better!”

“Silence! You’ve all stumbled into my ingenious trap...” came a familiar voice from Wes.

“That voice! D’oh! That commercial was a trick!” said Lisa slapping her forehead at feeling so stupid. “Specifically designed to lure our family here!”

“I could have told you guys that when Wes some how promised to serve fish heads by the bucket load...” said Oscar.

“And Wes Doobner’s world famous family style rib huts is actually an anagram!” said Lisa.

“Yes!” said Wes. “Welcome to Sideshow Bob’s world famous style return!” Wes reveals he is Sideshow Bob! Dun dun dun!

“True but you can also get Molybdenum Tetraflouride.” said Oscar being silly.

Sideshow Bob and the Simpsons glared at him.

“Can we scream now...” Said Bart.

“Sure go ahead...” said Oscar.

“Nyaaaaaaaaaaaghh! Sideshow Bob!!” Everyone including Oscar screamed as the Sideshow Bob theme played.

“And now you are all going to die just because you watched a TV commercial...” said Sideshow Bob.

“Oooooooh! The next time a commercial comes on, I’ll close my eyes, out my fingers in my ears and scream loudly!” said Homer.

The episode if your watching the syndicated version for TV, cuts out to black for commercials. Homer screams loudly.

Plot 2[]

After commercials Sideshow Bob had tied the Simpsons and Oscar to chairs.

“Now before you die, perhaps you’d like to hear about my escapades since the last time we met...” said Sideshow Bob twirling his six shooter.

“I want to know where is Wes Doobner and what are you doing in his restaurant?!” said Homer being stupid.

“I’m Wes Doobner!” Sideshow Bob yelled.

“Mr Doobner, I’m a full time working father and I expect a certain level of custom when I eat out...” said Homer but Sideshow Bob ignored him.

“Let’s all agree to ignore that idiot Homer’s babbling...” Bob sighed.

“Agreed!” The Simpsons sighed.

“Shall we get started?” said Sideshow Bob.

“Not until you explain where you got that cowboy costume from. It’s cool!” said Bart.

“Flattery won’t save you this time Bart. But thank you anyways.” said Sideshow Bob. “It’s just a costume from my time on the Krusty the clown show. We were doing a cowboy sketch...”

“Where’s my food Mr Doobner?!” Homer yelled.

“Will you shut up?!” Bob and the others yell at him.

“Anyway, now another of my little catch up stories...” said Sideshow Bob.

“Oh great... here it comes. What you did since you once again failed to kill any of us...” said Bart.

“You never ask what we’ve been up to? Last week we went strawberry picking, and I picked the most strawberries!” said Lisa. Uh I don’t think anyone cares Lisa...

“Shut up!” Sideshow Bob yelled. “This time to make my story more lively I’ve brought some visual aids! Just call me, slideshow Bob...” Bob quipped.

“Nobody do it...” said Homer.

Sideshow Bob pulled down a screen and set up a projector. He showed the Simpsons a projector slideshow!

“Ho boy... a family holiday slideshow...” Bart sighed.

“Here is when Krusty saved you and foiled my plans in Rome.” said Sideshow Bob recounting when they all last met.

“Then here’s when Bart brought a little friend along to the Vatican.” said Sideshow Bob showing the time Bart and Oscar went to the Vatican so Bart could get the Pope’s blessing. “Then you escaped my clutches because of Nemo...” said Bob showing Nemo attacking with his demonic powers.

Bart snored loudly and rudely while Hugo lowered his head and began gnawing at his bindings.

“Then we traveled to England here I got a job as a chimney sweep. No I did not get to do any singing... thank you very much Dick Van Dyke!” aid Bob.

He showed a lot of photos of Buckingham palace. “We even saw Buckingham palace. Uh... there are a lot of these...” said a Bob quickly going through the photos.

“That’s alright Bob, we’re used to long winded slideshows from Aunt Patty and Selma...” said Bart.

Bob went through more pictures. Mostly him goofing off with the guards. Then him and Francesca and Gino having a spot of sightseeing, and rowing with Gino barking commands at his parents to row faster via a megaphone.

“Oh! I’m in this one!” said Oscar.

“Yes... you hijack a few photos...” said Bob as Oscar got in the private family photos. He was doing bunny ears behind Gino’s dreadlocks, showing off, doing a musical number, being attacked by Gino, pulling faces and getting a little too personal with the camera...

“How are the wife and Gino doing anyway...” said Oscar.

“Oh they’re doing fine...” said Bob. “Then we snuck back to the states under the pretence of being on a comedy show for Jimmy Kimmel... Whoever that is... And that’s where I started my plan to assume the identity of Wes Doobner to lure you all here.” Sideshow bob explained he carefully choreographed his plan setting up a recorded commercial and hacking private emails to find data on the Simpsons, ie their favourite foods. “The Media liked my commercial they offered me a role in a film!” said Sideshow Bob.

“Which one?” Lisa asked.

“The Hills have Eyes 3. The Hills Still Have Eyes.” said Sideshow Bob dismissively as he probably didn’t like The Hills Have Eyes series. “And now we’ve had a good old catch up, I shall kill you all, with this defective laptop and its overheating battery!”

The Simpsons grimaced at his odd plan.

"How the hell are you gonna kill us with your lame defective laptop and its overheating battery?" Bart mocked his foe. "You suck at diabolical scheming and you know it!"

“Which will be placed on these boxes of TNT. The laptop exploding will be the catalyst for blowing you all to smithereens! This is where you die Simpsons - including my most hated adversary of all, Bart!” Bob gloated. “But let’s not tarry, as Shakespeare said. If it were done when it’s done, then t’were best it done quickly!”

Sideshow Bob turned on the computer laughing as the Microsoft paper clip character appeared. Offering to help.

“And this time Simpsons! I’ve made no mistakes! Ciao!” said Bob leaving them to die.

“Actually you made one.” said Lisa. “What Shakespeare actually said was. Twere well it were done quickly...”

“Yes, I’m sure you’ve studied the immortal bard, extensively under Miss Hoover...” said Sideshow Bob mocking her. He left them once again to die.

“Macbeth act one, scene seven. Look it up...” said Lisa dryly.

As soon as she said Macbeth an eerie tone played and the back door Sideshow Bob shut and locked behind him after he left fell off of its hinges.

“Now really! Stop addressing the Scottish play by its cursed name!” Sideshow Bob yelled.

“What? Macbeth?” Bart asked.

The ceiling collapsed on Bob.

“Damn it! Yes!” Sideshow Bob yelled.

“Okay so we’re all in agreement not to say Macbeth?” said Bart. Lightning struck Bob.

“Ow! Stop that at once!” Sideshow Bob yelled. “You’ll curse us all!” He took his defective laptop off of the TNT to look up Macbeth. “Very well Lisa! I shall look it up!” His computer was running slowly. “Oh load Wikipedia you unwieldy behemoth!” Then his laptop exploded on him in an amusing fashion covering him in soot.

“Oh dear... Sideshow Bob, Hoist on his own petard...” Sideshow Bob sighed.

“It’s hoist with his own petard...” said Lisa.

“Oh get a life...” Sideshow Bob sighed.

...

Someone called the cops and they arrested Sideshow Bob. Lou was having difficulty getting his palm tree hair in the car, eventually he shut Sideshow Bob in the car but some dreads were sticking out so Lou cut them off with garden shears.

“Well once again we’ve foiled Sideshow what’s his name!” said Homer as they stood outside the restaurant having got untied somehow.

“I don’t think so Dad.” said Lisa. Homer made a confused gasp. “Sideshow Bob wouldn’t get a Shakespeare quote wrong. His mother was a Shakespearen actress. I think he wanted to be caught! His is part of a much bigger plot.”

“Yeah, and besides we’re only half way through the episode. It’s not the end yet...” said Bart. "Oh, and Bob? Eat my shorts!"

...

The next day everyone was in court.

“All rise for the next case, the people of Springfield vs Sideshow Bob.” said a cop attending the court. Judge Snyder was presiding over the court today.

“Look! Sideshow Bob’s mother! Dame Judith Underdunk!” said Lisa.

Lenny was asking Dame Judith if the play she was in or the Chrysler car came first. The play came first.

“And that must be his father! Dr Robert Terwilliger!” said Bart. Dr Terwilliger sat somewhere.

“Really? I thought his dad was Martin Crane.” said Oscar being silly.

“No Oz...” Bart made a face at Oscar’s silly remark.

“Your honour I admit it. I did try to kill the Simpsons.” said Sideshow Bob. "Starting with their brat of a son Bart!"

Everyone gasped.

“If he doesn’t say but we’re home and dry...” said a lawyer representing the Simpsons.

“But...” said Sideshow Bob.

“Damn it!”

“I was only pushed into such murderous insanity by the actions of one little brat Bart!” said Sideshow Bob pointing at Bart.

“What did I do?” Bart whined.

“I had a career, of one my parents would not approve of, but a career none the less. But this scamp Bart ruined everything for me just because in a fit of revenge against my former employer’s buffoonery I tried to have him charged with armed robbery of a convince store.” said Sideshow Bob.

“You framed Krusty for something he didn’t do!” Bart yelled. “People don’t listen to this, man! He’s tried to kill me so many times it’s not funny anymore!”

Everyone gasped.

“Can’t you see how the boy strikes out at me? Even at my own trial...?” said Sideshow Bob crying. Judge Snyder gave him a tissue.

“Grrrrrr! Stop feeling sorry for him! This man deserves to fry!” yelled Bart. "He also tried to kill Aunt Selma on their honeymoon, rigged the mayoral election, tried to blow up Springfield and tried to kill Krusty!!! That monster tried to murder me!!!"

“Mmmmmm... Fried Bob...” moaned Homer happily.

...

Sideshow Bob was then being cross examined by his father.

“Robert was always a sickly child, he was born with a rare heart congenital defect. (Dr Terwilliger shows a photo of Sideshow in a bed with tubes attached to him at his school prom with a former girlfriend. “We had got his condition under control, then that Simpson boy started bothering him. Then Robert descended into dementia.” said Dr Terwilliger.

"He's lying!!! It is all a lie!!!" Bart retorted angrily. "I object, your honor!!!

“How far would you say this dementia struck father?” said Sideshow Bob.

“Full!” said Dr Terwilliger.

Everyone gasped.

“Stop feeling sorry for him!” Bart yelled. "Your honor, he is manipulating you into your sympathy!!!! He is lying!!!! Don't believe him!!!"

“You see how he mocks me! I ask you people which of you has not been victim to Bart’s japes?” Sideshow Bob asked the jury.

“He made me deliver pizzas to 888 Poopypants Lane! Poopypants Lane ends in the seven hundreds!” said Luigi.

Bart laughed hysterically. “Oh good old kindergarten toilet humor!” He said with tears of laughter.

Oscar snickered. “Poopy pants...”

“He mocks my folksy ways!” said Cleatus.

“He gave a slanderous book report!” said Skinner. “And mocks me every day!"

“He cheats are UNO!” Homer pointed around Bart.

Bart looked round at everyone glaring at him even the statue of Justice. Oh my god! She’s a Weeping Angel! Run Bart! Run for your life!

“I can’t believe you people! Sideshow Bob is playing you for fools! This monster is a convicted killer!” Bart yelled.

“And you’re a convicted killer of good fashion for wearing that tie...” said Oscar.

“Oz it’s a trial. I have to dress up nice...” said Bart.

Everyone was mortified by Oscar turning up in a filthy sweater, shorts white socks and sneakers sitting informally.

“It is not required. But I will state quite seriously for everyone not to dress dishonourably and show some pride in my court room!” said Judge Snyder.

“That does it! I didn’t want to use this!” Sideshow Bob snapped. He pulled out a vial lab led Nitroglycerin!

“Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic!” Wiggum yelled stirring up panic.

“He’s gonna Aloha snack bar the court house!” said Oscar.

“Oz, don’t say it like that!” Bart whined. “It’s Allahu ackbar!”

Sideshow Bob was trying to squeeze the vial to set off the explosive but Bart snatched it.

“Yoink! Foiled again, Freak!” said Bart. He threw the vial out the window. There was a massive explosion outside.

“You don’t understand!” Sideshow Bob whined. He clutched his chest seemingly having a heart attack and stumbled about before keeling over dead.

“The nitroglycerin was heart medication for Robert’s heart defect! To which my earlier testimony explained!” said Dr Terwilliger examining Bob.

Dr Hibbert checked him over too. “This man is dead; and you killed him!” everyone gasped. “Eeeeeeew! I’m touching a dead guy's body!”

“Hibbert...” Dr Payne sighed.

Plot 3[]

The Simpsons drove to church.

“I can’t believe Sideshow Bob is dead!” said Marge. “And I can’t believe we have to stay dressed up for a however long his funeral and wake lasts! It’s a good thing I ironed all our clothes quickly when we went home.” said Marge.

They pulled up to find clowns getting out of a clown car and solemnly going into the church.

“Hehehe! Clowns...” said Oscar.

Inside Krusty was at a piano playing and singing.

“Farewell, Sideshow Bob....Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark... Bart stole your Nitroglycerin and then your heart infarked. So it seems to me, your biggest fans should buy this DVD of all your best scenes on the Krusty the clown show. Packed with lots of extras and deleted scenes... Like when you fell and split your pants and showed your frank and beans...” sung Krusty before crying.

Bart rolled his eyes at Krusty’s trying to sell merchandise at a funeral in mid song.

“And so it seems to be that you lived your life like a candle in the wiiiind!” Elton John sung beautifully. Everyone cried.

“Elton John, everybody!” Krusty called for applause for Elton John.

Then the Simpsons cane in.

“There’s the boy who killed my best friend!” Krusty yelled at Bart.

Everyone booed Bart.

“Krusty... he framed you for armed robbery and tried to kill you!” said Bart.

“Bart, try to look sad...” said Marge.

“No! I have nothing to be sad about! I’m not sorry Sideshow Bob is dead!” Bart yelled.

Everyone gasped.

“Well between you and me Marge. I still can’t stand him!” Homer whispered. But his voice echoed across the church.

“Homer!” Marge told him off as everyone was staring.

“What? I don’t care about these church jerks!” said Homer. Church jerks echoed throughout the church.

“Homer! Your behaviour is becoming heinous!” Marge scolded him but the word Anus echoed through the court room repeatedly.

The Simpsons embarrassed sat down.

...

Kent Brockman broadcasted the funeral live on the news.

“History has a habit of turning dead outlaws into legends. From Bonnie and Clyde, Billy the kid and Jesus Christ.” said Kent. Oscar did a cut his mike! gesture when Kent mentioned Jesus alongside Billy the kid and Bonnie and Clyde. Because Kent was causing offence.

“Now Sideshow Bob joins them as we broadcast his funeral live from shovel to shovel footage.” said Kent. “And even his entire family has turned up from his brother Cecil to his Italian wife Francesca and their son Gino!”

“Vendetta vendetta! Vendetta for papa!” Gino cried sobbing into a handkerchief.

...

Bart went outside because he was fed up with everyone feeling sorry for Bob. “Even in death he wrecks my life! I hope he’s in Hell eating a barf burger!” Bart groaned as he sat on the kerb outside the church.

Suddenly Satan appeared furious. “You take that back! That is a slanderous remark about my burgers!” Satan roared.

“Eep! Sorry Satan!” Bart yelped.

Satan then vanished in a burst of flames.

“I once felt that way too about him.” said Cecil.

“Hey aren’t you Sideshow Bob’s brother, Cecil?” Bart asked.

“Biologically yes, but we never got along... He was always zigging when I zagged.” said Cecil. “Hey is that you Maris?”

Bart grimaced. “No! I’m Bart Simpson! The boy that foiled your plan to blow up a badly constructed dam you embezzled money from then I made you spill your money...”

“I thought that was my ex wife Maris.” said Cecil.

Bart rolled his eyes.

“Anyway. For example. For one holiday, Bob wanted to go touring the castles of Italy. I wanted to go touring the castles of France... we ended up touring the castles of Spain... a compromise that settled no one...” said Cecil.

“That’s stupid..l you talk like you’re smart but act stupid...” Bart said rudely. “And Bob told me that story already...“

“Maybe so. But I’ll always remember him as the brother who taught me Botticelli.” said Cecil.

“That sounds extremely dull and boring...” Bart sighed.

“Oh it’s great fun! It’s a game in which one adopts the guise of a famous- Oh wait, you’re right! It is boring!” said Cecil. “But you’ll only find happiness when you’ve made peace with Bob.”

“You’re right... I guess I could say Goodbye.” said Bart.

“You better make it snappy! They’re cremating him in thirty minutes!” said Cecil. “I of course will be then casting his ashes over the castles of France! Ha! Take that ashes!”

...

Bart, somehow back in his usual orange t shirt and shorts, was walking back to the funeral home where Bob’s body was at rest. He bumped into Milhouse along the way.

“Hey Bart, you’re in the newspaper!” said Milhouse. The headline was Boy Shames Region. With a picture of Bart angry and crossing his arms.

“Where did they get that picture Oscar took of me when I was mad at him?” Bart asked. “Ah forget it. I’m going to the funeral home to set things straight. Wanna come?”

“No sorry. My dad is taking me to the batting cage to learn how to umpire. He even got me this! An official ball counter!” said Milhouse. “Ball one. Ball two. Strike one! Strike two! Bart? Bart?”

Bart had ran off to the funeral home. He went inside. In the crematorium Bob’s casket was waging on the conveyor belt to the oven.

“Bob, it’s Bart. I just came to say I’m sorry... I didn’t mean for you to die... I just wanted you to get beaten up in prison a lot...” said Bart. “Now everyone wishes I was dead...”

“Then let’s give them what they want!” said Sideshow coming out of his coffin! Aaaaaaaaagh! He’s a zombie!!

“Aaaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob!” Bart screamed.

“Aaaaaaaaaagh! A zombie!” Oscar screamed.

Bart slapped him. “No you dummy! He was clearly faking his death...”

Sideshow Bob laughed and appeared to try to stab Bart but actually caught his t shirt on the tip of his knife and hoisted Bart up and tossed him into the coffin and shut him in. Bart wondered why he did that.

Sideshow Bob laughed evilly as Oscar backed away in fear.

...

Milhouse wet to the Simpsons as they were on his paper round.

“Hi Lisa...” said Milhouse aroused. “Hate to mix work with pleasure but you owe me two weeks worth of wages.”

“Milhouse have you seen Bart?” Marge asked.

“Bart? Yeah, he said he went to the funeral home to pay his respects to Bob.” said Milhouse. “Mind if I sit down? My feet are killing me.”

“Feet... Killing... Oh my god! We have to save Bart!” Lisa yelled.

“Now? But I’m getting a perm!” said Homer with one hair roller for his only three hairs.

“Now!” Lisa yelled.

"My twin is in trouble!" Hugo realized.

...

At the funeral home Bart was trying to trick Bob by pretending he found an underground city in the coffin.

Bart was making sound effects for the creaky door and knocking. “Ooooooh! It’s beautiful! You’re not buying any of this are you?”

No he wasn’t. Bob had a bored look. “When they find your lifeless ashes, they’ll think they’re mine! And I’ll live happily ever after with my loving family!” said Bob.

“And it was my act as the grieving brother that sealed the deal.” said Cecil.

“Yes and Hamlet is all about Laertys...” said Bob.

“Will you stop comparing me to Laertys...” Cecil yelled.

“If the collar fits...” Bob smirked.

“No Hamlet is about me, as Hamlet...” said Bart from inside the coffin.

“Oh my god! I’m gonna die like Sean Connery in Diamonds are forever!” Oscar yelled from inside the coffin.

“Will you two shut up! My family are trying to gloat!” Bob yelled at them.

The Terwilligers and Underdunks and Bob’s wife and kid laughed evilly.

...

The Simpsons drove to the funeral home.

“Bob wanted to be captured!” said Lisa.

“Uh huh.” said Homer.

“He’d never get a Shakespeare quote wrong!”

“Uh huh.”

“His mother was a Shakespearean actress!”

“Uh huh.”

“His Dad was a Doctor!”

“Uh Huh.”

“When Bob collapsed in the court room he could administer a drug that only simulated death...”

“Uh huh.”

“It was a diabolical scheme that his whole family were a part of!” said Lisa.

“Can we pull up now?” I’ve been circulating the funeral home for ten minutes...” said Homer.

“Yes Dad....” Lisa sighed.

“They got out but Bart’s Krusty walk-in talkie went off in Lisa’s pocket.

“Come in, come in! It’s Oscar!” came Oscar’s frantic voice.

“Oscar? Where are you?” Lisa asked.

“I’m at the funeral home! It’s really bad! Sideshow Bob has risen from the dead as a flesh eating zombie!!” Oscar yelled. Lisa rolled her eyes.

“No he hasn’t Oscar... he was only pretending to be dead... we’ll get there as soon as possible!” said Lisa.

...

The Terwilligers and the Underdunks were still laughing evilly.

“Oh it feels so good to have a good old victorious gloat, family style!” said Bob. His family agreed and they all hugged. “Especially while I tear yours apart, Bart Simpson...”

Suddenly the Simpsons bursted in.

“Stop that cremation!” Lisa yelled.

“Mmmmmm! What smells so good?!” said Homer, sniffing the air.

“Zeus’ pimples!!” Sideshow Bob yelled angry at them trying to foil his plan.


"Zeus has pimples?! Eeeeeeeew!” said Oscar from inside the coffin. “I’ve got a tub of Oxy cream in here to sort that out...”

“Oscar will you shut up!” Bart yelled.

Sideshow Bob pulled a lever to speed up the coffin. “You’re too late, Simpsons!! Tonight Bart burns in Hell!”

“Ow! Hot hot hot!” Bart cried from inside the coffin.

“You monster! Eat hobo remains!” Homer threw ashes at Sideshow Bob briefly distracting him and Hugo pounced on Bob and began biting him while Marge turned off the conveyor belt.

“Daaaaad!” Lisa whined at him for being disrespectful to the dead.

“Get me outta here! What are you doing?! I can’t breathe!” Bart cried.

“Sorry, I farted...” said Oscar from inside the coffin.

“Marge he has got to get over his fear of coffins...” said Homer.

Marge grumbled and opened the casket. Bart and Oscar climbed out.

...

The cops arrived. “Freeze Sideshow Snobs!” Quipped Wiggum. He cuffed all the members of Bob’s family including Bob who was still rubbing his eyes from being briefly blinded with ashes.

“You have the right to remain silent. But I’d rather you didn’t as it gets rather boring on the drive back to the station. I like to have someone to chat to.” said Wiggum.

“Wait! Before I go, Lisa, how is it you managed to foil my best laid plans once again?” Bob asked.

“I just found it suspicious they modified the coffin for your feet. Why bother with comfort for a dead body?” Lisa explained.

“Curse these glorious gunboats!” Bob referred to his big feet.

“You forgot one thing, Bob!” said Bart.

“What’s that?” Bob asked.

“You stink like my butt!” Bart laughed heartedly. “Take him away!”

“Why must I feed him straight lines!” Bob lamented as he was taken away to jail.

...

At the Simpsons they celebrated defeating Sideshow Bob once again. There was a big multi tiered cake.

“Three cheers to defeating Sideshow Bob once again!” said Homer as they clinked their glasses together.

“Hip hip hooray!” they cheered. “Hip hip hooray!”

“Now how about a nice big slice! Hahahahaha!” Sideshow Bob bursted out of the cake and sliced his knives at them slicing them to death with blood splattering everywhere. He laughed madly.

However this was all just a dream. Bob was actually in a large prison cell with his family laughing madly in the corner wearing a straight jacket.

“There he goes again...” Dr Terwilliger sighed.

“You’ve 78 years to get used to it, father...” said Cecil.

“I’m out...” said Dr Terwilliger as they were playing cards and he had a bad hand.

‘Three diamonds.” said Gino. Yes there’s a baby in prison...

“Three clubs!” said Snake clubbing them all on the heads. Including Gino. Lol! Poor Gino.

“The joke’s not funny, and the bids not sufficient!” said Cecil.

The end!

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