Fishsticks Ace, the vampire kid writes a very funny joke and Oscar spreads it around the school. The joke soon spreads all over town until Troy McClure hears it and gets angry that someone is spreading rumours about his fetish for sea creatures... Bart then takes credit for the joke, much to Ace's annoyance, and gets in trouble with Troy when he threatens to sue the Simpsons for defamation.
One stormy day in Pennsylvania Oscar rides his bike up to the front gate of a haunted mansion! He rings on the doorbell.
Lurch from the Addams family answers.
"You raaaaang..." asked Lurch. Ace arrives in an evening gown to tell Lurch to let Oscar in. He is a young vampire with messy blond hair wearing a helicopter beanie hat.
"Oscar, it's daylight. I'm supposed to be asleep!" Ace whispered.
"Alucard! Vhy do you have guests at zis hour?" came his dad's voice.
"It's just that day walker kid at school, Dad..." said Ace. "And stop using my full first name!"
"Anyvay. Vhy are you you here Oscar..." said the young vampire boy.
"Bart's mad at me for some reason and won't speak to me, so can I hang out?" Oscar asked.
"Oscar it's 11 am! I'm supposed to be in bed!" Ace yelled.
"Yes, quite true, darling, now off to your coffin. Oskar you'll have to come later. At night..." said Ace's mother as she sent Ace off to his room. She looks like Mortica from the Addams family. Yes I know it's cliched.
"Yes ma'am..." Oscar replied.
Meanwhile in South Park episode that inspired this. Cartman, the fat racist, gaslighting turd-
“Ey! I ain’t fat! I’m big boned!” Cartman yelled. Shut up, racist.
Cartman went to visit Jimmy, the handicapped or crippled kid who uses crutches and stutters.
Jimmy was also the school comedian so in this universe he created the Fish Sticks jokes instead of Ace.
“Hey Jimmy, what are you up to?“
“Oh, hey Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy (chokes up)...rou-routine.” said Jimmy stuttering.
“Yeah well, ya wanna do somethin'? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle, but they're all pissed off at me for somethin' so I have to hang out with you.” said Cartman. Why dya think they’re pissed at you?! You fat racist scum?!
”Oh never mind... Even the narrator is being a douche... I’m going home...” said Cartman.
Later at his bedtime, Oscar visited Ace. He came just as Ace flew back from a night feed. Ace refused quite early on to bite humans without their permission and making sure he has a clean bill of health before doing so and has cleaned his fangs before hand. So tonight he had fed on some farm animals.
Ace flew into the lounge as a bat and returned to his vampire form. Oscar was waiting and was rather sleepy. The young viscount vampire sighed slightly offended by Oscar yawning without covering his mouth.
Oscar sleepily rubbed his eyes wondering why Ace went out dressed exactly like Max Tate from Beyblade. Oh wait they look almost exactly alike... except Ace has red eyes and wears a helicopter beanie.
"Good. At least you've arrived zat my waking hours. Do try to remember zat next time!" Ace explained.
"So, what do you want to do tonight?" Oscar asked.
"Same ving I do every night, try to..." Ace was about to say.
"Ace, if you seriously start quoting Pinky and the Brain at me I'll stuff this garlic bulb down your throat!" Oscar said sharply.
"I'm just joking vith ya! Relax... I'm gonna be in my room writing jokes for the school talent show..." said Ace. “Zis is bun, da?” So okay we have Jimmy who talks in stutters and we have a vampire who uses Zees and Vs in his speech and talks broken Romanian.
”Why are you talking about buns?! Are you still hungry?!” Oscar asked worried as a hungry vampire was a dangerous thing to be in the presence of.
”Nuuuu.... Bun is how you say... the vord good, in Romanian...” Ace rolled his eyes.
Ace's room was suitably gothic and spooky, like something from the Addams family. He had a coffin for a bed, but inside it was like a typical kid's bed with cartoon characters on the covers. In the south corner of his room was an Iron Maiden (the medieval torture device, not the band.) for some reason. Ace had to remind Oscar numerous times not to touch it.
"Why?" Oscar asked.
"Because zit zis dangerous! It has ze sharp spikes in zit!" Ace rolled his eyes at Oscar's stupidity. "Just zit on ze couch." Oscar made a muffled cry. "No not zat one! That's been possessed by Sumerian demon dogs!"
Oscar was pinned to a surprisingly lower class arm chair by monstrous arms of some unseen demons inside the chair. One was furry with a hooked claw, one was dragon like with sharp claws and one was a zombie like human arm with decaying flesh. That one was clamped over his mouth.
Ace sighed and snapped his fingers and the arms released Oscar. Oscar gasped for breath and was traumatised.
"I'm sorry, but I did varn you!" Ace explained.
"You know I still have nightmares from watching that arms groping Dana from her armchair scene in Ghostbusters! Why do you have that shabby looking thing anyway?!" Oscar asked clutching his throat.
"My Dad likes collecting cursed artifacts..." Ace replied.
Ace was writing jokes down on some parchment with his quill. Oscar in the background was interested in Ace's collection of forbidden lore and evil books. He picked a red one up and tried to read it but a green monsterous hand lunged out and strangled him!
Ace sighed as he was abruptly interrupted by Oscar's choking gasps and got up to pull the book from him.
"Can you try to sit still and not touch vings, okay?" Ace got rather annoyed. Oscar made a face at him as he sat down. "I saw zat!" Ace yelled.
Oscar went to touch his collection of Helicopter beanie hats.
”Do not touch my cartoon helicopter beanie hats. Vhy you and my creator decided I vear those, I don’t know...” Ace sighed.
Ace returned to writing jokes. Eventually he was finished and went to ask Oscar what he thought. But Oscar had got himself swallowed by a giant living jelly. Ace face palmed.
After getting Oscar out of the living jelly. Ace read his jokes.
"Why does a squirrel swim on his back?" Ace asked. I've got tired of writing his Ws as Vs and putting Zs at the beginning of some words so try to imagine he speaking with a cartoon vampire accent.
"And I resent you giving me zis outrageous accent!" Ace yelled at the fourth wall.
"I dunno, why does a squirrel swim on his back?" Oscar asked.
"To keep his nuts dry." said Ace. He had living skeletons play a drum beat and cymbal hit every time he told a joke.
"Eh... That one was a bit rude Ace... Even for you. I hope you don't tell that one around the house..." Oscar replied.
"I wouldn't dream of it! You don't want to see my Dad when he's mad at me! I still can't sit straight after he spanked me for teasing the pet bats with a laser pen and breaking an expensive vase..." said Ace.
Ace told his next joke. "A fisherman and a second rate mime are..."
"An X and a Z joke aren't funny anymore Ace..." said Oscar.
"Okay... what about Knock, knock jokes?" Ace asked.
"Only kindergarteners find those funny..." said Oscar.
Ace's mom came in with some fruit. "I've brought blood oranges and nectarines boys. You know how they're a vampires favourite fruit eh Ace?"
"Mom, that joke was funny in third grade..." said Ace sighing. "And do we have any tomato juice please?"
"We're out of tomato juice sweetie. I'll get some from the store." said Ace's mother.
Once she left, Oscar was put off by the fruit. Mostly because he doesn't really like anything healthy and because his pet jack in a box, Clownja is afraid of tangelos. They mess with a clown's equilibrium.
"Don't your folks have anything more substantial? Or crawling with sugar?" Oscar asked.
"We have fishsticks somewhere in the refrigerator..." said Ace. Then he had an idea. "That's it! Oscar, you're a genius!" Ace quickly wrote something down.
“Fish fingers...” Oscar hissed as he went to the kitchen.
Oscar goes off to look in the refrigerator for a box of Mrs Pells fish sticks. But only finds a Sumerian demon dog yelling "Zuuuuuuuul!" at him.
He then read the joke to Oscar.
"Do you like fishsticks Oscar?" Ace asked as he read the joke.
"No. I like fish fingers...” Oscar replied.
Ace face palmed. “Oz, we’re in the States... they’re called fish sticks over here...”
“Fine... Yes, I like fish sticks...” Oscar sighed.
"Do you like putting them in your mouth?" Ace asked.
"Yes... Where are going with this Ace?" Oscar asked.
"Then what are you? A gay fish?!" Ace asked. His skeleton band made a drum beat.
Oscar didn't get the joke.
Ace had to explain the punchline.
Oscar laughed hysterically. "Sssh! That one was really rude! I think Matt might blush at that one."
"Eh, if it's funny in Colorado..." said Ace.
At School they told the joke to everyone.
"Do Milhouse next!" Oscar asked.
He told Milhouse the fishsticks (Fish dicks) joke and he spluttered as milk went up his nose.
Then they told their friends and so on and so fourth.
They even told Orson Welles. Orson Welles was in the Critic universe playing with Transformers toys.
”Yes?, he asked.
”Mr Welles, do you like fish sticks?” Ace asked.
”Yes. But only Mrs Pell’s.” said Orson Welles.
”Do you like putting them in your mouth?” Ace asked as Oscar snickered.
”Yes. That’s where food goes...” said Orson Welles.
”Then what are you?! A gay fish?!” Ace asked laughing.
”How dare you! Get out!” Orson Welles threw them out of his house.
”Okay... he didn’t see the funny side...” Ace sighed as he helped Oscar up.
However when they spread the joke to other classes Bart tried to take credit for it.
"Bart! You didn't write that! Ace did!" Oscar yelled. But Ace nervously hushed him.
"Actually I would rather Bart took credit for it. I don't want my parents knowing I wrote that! In fact I'm not gonna be telling it at the school talent show..." Ace explained.
"Woohoo!" Bart cheered. "Ace is too much of a momma's boy!"
"I am not!" Ace yelled.
Bart pulled out his magic wand and zapped Ace. "Now you are!"
He had turned Ace into a baby. Ace messed his diaper with a wet splat as it sagged slightly with a large load of poop. "Hey! You made me make a poopie!" Ace whined.
This started a wizard duel as they were zapping each other.
"Okay you two! Break it up!" Oscar tried to stop his friends fighting.
Now for the B story.
Marge and Lisa brought round muffins to Ace’s family. The Draculas.
”Mom is this such a good idea... They’re vampires...” Lisa winced.
”Now Lisa, the lord says love thy- Eeep!”
Lurch answered the door.
”Oh Lurch, let Ze Simpsons in. Vhy thank you Marge. Don’t vorry I don’t bite. Unlike some vampires in Zis neighbourhood Vho can’t control Zeir compulsions...” said Ace’s Mom. Whom I kept insisting was Boobrella once.
Marge looked out the stained glass windows over to another mansion inhabited by vampires.
Inside a tall vampire lady with a butt bigger than Kim Kardashian’s was flaunting about like a catwalk model dressed in a high class white dress and a wide brimmed black hat smoking a cigarette on a long Cruella style cigarette holder. Basically she’s a high class smoker. And smoking in bother meanings of the word....
”Cassandra!” she screeched taking a swipe at an expensive mirror and tearing it from the wall. “Shit!” It shattered. “I must control my temper!”
Anyway you can tell these are the evil kind of vampires because you spend the entire Dimitrescu chapter being hunted down by Lady Dimitrescu and her psycho daughters. Where as Ace and his family just want to have you over for dinner. No not as dinner...
Anyway She was pissed because some stupid man thing called Ethan Winters kept slapping her butt with a fly swatter.
”Get this stupid man thing out of here!” She bellowed at Cassandra.
The joke soon spread around town and on late night TV shows like Conan, Jay Leno and David Letterman. Oh and in the time South Park wrote this story more comedians had late night shows like Jimmy Kimmel, America’s Jimmy Carr... and Ellen Degeneres. Yes... Dory...
Oscar was up late watching Late night comedy shows.
”Certainly not! And are you getting ready to go out at this time of night?!” Marge asked.
”Ace is nocturnal. Now it’s his lunch time...” said Oscar.
”Oh.... Why did you befriend a vampire....” Marge sighed.
Conan was on with amusing costumed characters such as Ecce Homo aka Monkey Jesus from that terrible painting...
”Meh...” Oscar put Letterman on.
“David Lettermaaaaan!” Shining Homer as Jack Torrance yelled.
Oscar screamed and flicked over to Jay Leno.
Jay has enormous chin. That is all.
Oscar flicked over to Jimmy Kimmel. He was insulting the president.
“Too political...” Oscar groaned. He flicked over to Ellen Degeneres. “Oh my goodness! Dory!”
However one afternoon Troy McClure's make up artist told him the joke.
"Troy this is a really funny joke!"
"Go on." asked Troy.
"Do you like fishsticks?"
"Sure. Who doesn't?"
"Do you like putting them in your mouth?" asked the make up artist.
"What are you?! A gay fish?!" said his make up artist.
"Excuse me?!" Troy sounded offended.
"It's the joke, you see..." the make up artist explained.
"I know what it means Martha! Who the hell has been spreading rumours of my embarrassing fish fetish?! Which I don't have!" Troy yelled.
"Uh rumours have it that a kid called Bart Simpson started it one day at school." said Martha the make up artist. Indeed, Bart was on the Conan O'brian show being interviewed about it.
"That's it! Get my lawyer! I'm suing Bart Simpson!" yelled Troy.
Bart was in deep trouble when the blue haired lawyer turned up with a subpoena with his team.
"Bart! How could you get yourself sued by Troy McClure?!" Homer yelled.
"It was just a silly joke..." Bart gulped.
"I'll show you a joke?!" Homer strangled Bart.
"Mr Simpson, Bart's successful litegation against you forbids you from doing that under the terms of his emancipation..." said the blue haired lawyer.
"Emancipate this!!" Homer strangled the blue haired Lawyer.
Marge was also cross with Bart.
“Bartholomew Joseph Simpson!” she full named him. Ah yes the full name...
"Mom I didn't even start that stupid joke! Ace started it!" Bart explained.
"Then why were you taking credit for it at school?!" Lisa asked.
"I didn't think it would get me into trouble! I wish I hadn't stolen it from Ace now..." Bart said in a miserable tone.
They then had to go to court.
"Don't worry Boy. Lionel Hutz was off sick so we got OJ Simpson's Lawyer! We can't lose!" Homer explained. "Mmmmmm! Possible cousin acquitted of murder...." Homer drooled.
"Dad we're not related and besides-" Bart tried to explain but his lawyer started his testimony.
However it was the Chewbacca defence! XD.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the courtroom! This is Chewbacca! He lives on Kashykk, but George Lucas originally wanted him to live on Endor where the Ewoks live!" said the lawyer doing a slideshow on Chewbacca. “This does not make sense! Look! I am a high paid lawyer and I’m talking about Chewbacca!”
Blue haired Lawyer face palmed. "Oh great... He's doing the Chewbacca defence..." Blue haired Lawyer groaned.
"Mr Cochran! This is highly unorthodox!" Judge Snyder yelled.
"Your honour I request he be made to stick to the subject of the trial!" Blue haired Lawyer asked.
"I agree as I was just about to say so!" said Snyder. "I order the defence to stick to the trial and stop going on about Chewbacca!"
Jimmy Cochran soon shut up and allowed the trial to go on as usual.
Meanwhile South Park focused on Kanye West being the gay fish.
Basically he’s a fish fondling fruitcake like Troy but he also raps and is married to Kim Kardashian.
”Whooooaaaa! Baby! Your butt is huge!” said Kanye.
Kim Kardashian has a huge butt!
Which brings us back to the Dimitrescu mansion.
”Whooooooaaaa! Baby!” said a vampire um Wesley Snipes. Mmmmmmm Blade trilogy....
”I am no mood for you complements darling. It seems that fool Heisenburg has chased that stupid man thing back here! Ack! Stop striking my posterior with that! You filthy creature!” said the tall big assed vampire lady as Ethan Winters spanked her with a fly swatter.
Then Baby Oscar decided to see how long he’d last in the Dimitrescu mansion. He rang the doorbell shivering in the night air as he was only wearing a diaper.
”I don’t think Resident Evil 8 needs that... Oz...” Ace groaned.
Oscar was strung up like meat in a butcher’s shop. Well considering the Dimitrescu Family think he’s simply food...
”Ah well, at least I’m trapped here with hot lady vampires! Ho yeah!” said Baby Oscar.
Bart was asked to swear on the bible if he he started the joke.
"No. I didn't." He replied. Everyone gasped. "Ace started it and I took credit."
However when Ace's parents questioned him he lied and said Bart was lying.
"Come on, you know how Bart's a bad influence on me at school.
"Quite so. Your honor, we believe Bart Simpson is lying." said Dracula.
Bart was charged with perjury even though he was actually telling the truth and imprisoned in juvenile hall.
Oscar was annoyed at Ace afterwards.
"Ace why did you get him in trouble?" Oscar yelled at Ace.
"He shouldn't have stole my joke, he was so eager for the fame he didn't care for when it backfired on him. Now he's dealing with the consequences!" said Ace.
"You always do this! Take the easy way out so someone else gets the blame and you don't get told off by your parents!" Oscar ranted. "I won't forgive you until you admit the truth!"
“How did you escape those Vampire ladies from Resident Evil 8...” Ace asked.
”Well... It’s a long story...” said Oscar.
In the vampire castle from Resident Evil 8...
”You May sit child. Ack! Stop that you pervert!” Lady Dimitrescu permits baby Oscar wearing just a diaper to sit in an elegant armchair. But she shrieked because Ethan Winters slapped her with a fly swatter again.
Oscar winced and sat down.
”Unfortunately as is all haunted castles and mansions, the furniture is not as it seems...” said The tall vampire lady.
Manacles clamped Oscar’s short arms to the arms of the armchair and clamped across his mouth holding his head still.
After killing Winters for the millionth time she bored Oscar with diatribes and yelling about her brother Heisenburg.
She then released the manacles holding him.
”I’ll have my “Arm” chair, handle you, little morsel. Gahahahaha!” Oscar soon realised what the vampire lady meant when Zulu’s demon arms restrained him and the armchair was pulled by a phantasmagoric force off somewhere.
”That doesn’t explain how you escaped...” Ace sighed.
”I’m pacing the story...” Oscar sighed.
Ace had to think long and hard.
The next day at the trial when Ace had to take a witness stand he admitted he was lying and that Bart was telling the truth all along.
"I made that joke, not Bart. He was so eager to take credit that I let him and used his reputation to my advantage to make you all believe me." said Ace.
"The court booed him.
"I should charge you with perjury as well, but I will let you go." said Snyder.
"And I shall drop my defamation suit! You're just boys telling little jokes, you meant no harm. And you're right! It's time I came out of the closet!" Troy explained. "People, I am a gay fish! I love fish the same way a man loves a woman!"
The people in the court groaned in disgust.
"I dismiss this court, oh and Bart is to be released from custody. Now I have to go off and be sick in a bucket! Goodbye!" said Judge Snyder.
Bart was reunited with his family, Ace was told off by his family but they were pleased he told the truth in the end.
“Oh well Alucard- I mean, Ace.” said Count Dracula to his son. "Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier."
Bart winced. They’re vampires, duh.
And Troy McClure gave up his life as a human to live in the sea as a gay fish where he swam with and kissed the fish.
”You! You fish fondling fruitcake!” Robotnik yelled.
Meanwhile in the spooky vampire castle.
An ornate but comfy red armchair was dragged by a ghostly force into a nursery with Oscar tearful with extreme fright wearing a slightly wet diaper as demonic monster arms restrained him to the armchair.
”Zuuuuuul!” Boomed a voice.
The armchair was suddenly a recliner as it reclined so Oscar was lying down. The beastly arms continued to restrain him.
Then Teddy sniffed his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Oscar winced as he saw Teddy’s big wet shiny black nose twitch and quiver. He wet his diaper. Teddy then hopped off the armchair and a big hairy demonic arm from Zuul possessing the armchair ripped off Oscar’s diaper and changed him into a clean one.
”Oz no one wants to read that!” Ace snapped.
”No one let’s me write diaper fetish stories...” Oscar whined.
”Why’d ya think?!” Ace said exasperated.
Oscar bored decided to late night comedies which to Ace were morning comedies.
On the Conan O’Brien show Krampus made a guest appearance. Then Steve Irwin’s son was the guest celebrity. He brought on with him a bear cub.
”I mean the, bear necessities! The simple bear necessities!” Teddy, Oscar’s living teddy bear creature sang.
Ace sweat dropped.
On the David Letterman show.
”David Lettermaaaaaan!” Shining Homer as Jack Torrance yelled insane.
”Hi David! I’m Grampa!” said Abe Simpson.
David Letterman had a big gap in his teeth. So big a tiny steam train shot out of his mouth through the gap in his teeth as if it were a tunnel. He was going on about what material his tie was made out of.
Oscar then switched over to Jay Leno and his enormous chin.
Then on to Jimmy Kimmel involving himself in politics.
Then on to the Ellen Degeneres show.
”Oh my god! Dory!” Oscar squeed with delight.
”Okay! Go back to writing about diapers!” Ace ranted.
”Any way as I was saying...” said Oscar narrating. The ornate red armchair was dragged into a nursery by a phantasmagoric force while Baby Oscar frightened sat in in it pinned down and restrained by monstrous arms like that freaky scene from Ghostbusters. One arm was hairy with a simple claw like hand like a crab’s claw. One was scaly and fish like and one was rotten and zombie like. That one was clamped over Oscar’s mouth. Oscar was tearfully frightened and his diaper was wet with yellow stains on the front from pee.
”Zuuuuuuuul!” said Zuul.
The armchair came to a stop. Suddenly it was a recliner as it clicked and laid out flat like a simple bed. The monster arms continued to restrain Oscar. Two holding his wrists tightly and two holding his ankles.
Teddy, his cartoon teddy bear creature came scampering in and climbed on the armchair and sniffed his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Oscar winced and sweated. Teddy grinned and kept sniffing him. Eventually Oscar wet his diaper again. He groaned as it was quite soggy.
Teddy climbed down and watched grinning as a big hairy clawed arm of an unseen monster came out of the armchair threw a hole torn in it and ripped off Oscar’s diaper and changed him. Oscar winced wondering why the Zuul arms did that.
There is a flashback that’s like the scene from Hotel Transylvania with Dracula waking his baby daughter to change her diaper. But with Baby Ace and no CGI. He scares baby Ace who cries so he comforts the baby vampire by cooing at him and rocking him gently. Then he holds Ace aloft and nuzzles his belly with his big pointy nose. Baby Ace giggles and wriggled about. However he starts pooping his diaper as splats indicate his filling his diaper.
“Eeeeugh!” Dracula groans and lays Ace on the changing table and magically changes his diaper. It’s like the scene with Baby Mavis but actually cute and funny.
“It was cute and funny...” said Ace. “But I suppose you mean, gross out humour...”
Then Dracula is instructing his monster friends to build something while Baby Ace has just learnt to crawl up walls. He is crawling about on the ceiling until Dracula collects him.
Then Baby Ace is in his crib having his diaper sniffed by Teddy the living teddy bear. The cartoon teddy bear creature sniffs his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Ace grimaced as he watches the cartoon bear’s nose quiver and twitch.
”I am not living with your weird teddy bear creature...” said Ace.