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Father Knows Worst Homer burns his tongue trying to eat a fire kebab (A fire eater’s stick) and drinking petroleum. So when his taste buds grow back he is extremely sensitive to taste and can only eat bland school cafeteria food.

Meanwhile Marge discovers a sauna in the basement. And keeps it to herself.

Then Homer having to eat his meals at Bart and Lisa’s school as cafeteria food annoys Bart by embarrassing him about his jello problem and meets an anti vaxxer helicopter parent who names her children after bible characters. Homer decides to be a better father by helicopter parenting. And teaching Lisa to blend in with rude popular girls.

Then the old boilers in the attic cause the ceiling of Maggie’s room to collapse meaning Maggie must sleep in her cot in her parents bedroom and Hugo must share with Bart much to both twin’s annoyance.

Plot[]

The chalkboard gag is “I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy”

The couch gag is the Simpsons swimming in a swimming pool to get to the couch at the other end. They all make it except Homer who drowns.

.....

The episode starts with Homer taking Bart and Lisa to the Squidport marina and pier. They pass various stalls.

“Wow. Look at all these food stalls.” said Lisa.

“Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!” said a hotdog salesman.

Zoidberg from Futurama made an appearance. “Yes, have you got anything that’s been on the floor and crawling with parasites?”

The hotdog salesman looked around and gave him a hotdog that fell on the floor and had been in the trash.

“Thank you.” said Zoidberg trying the filthy hotdog and purring with his mouth tentacles.

“Fried dough! Fried dough! America’s only illegal food, banned by FDA get it while you can!” said a man selling fried dough.

“I’ll take two!” said Homer buying some.

Then Homer and his kids came across a basketball game that was rigged.

“The basketballs are too big and the hoops are too small. This game is impossible! Look! The prizes have been here for ages!” said the carney.

Homer looked at the prizes. “Oooooh!” He said fascinated by some Milwaukee flags. He made a disinterested sound at some Boston lunch boxes then screamed horribly “Aaaaaaaagh!” Because he saw some communist fly swatters with hammer and sickle symbols on them.

“In soviet Russia flies swat you!” said Oscar being there with his uncle Buck.

“... Not funny Oz...” said Bart.

Then Bart was unnerved as they arrived at a ring toss game. Because it was Spud and Cooter’s ring toss game!

“Hi thief!” said Spud to Bart grinning an evil grin.

“Shhhh! Not so loud!” Bart whispered.

“Oh Bart... that time you shoplifted happened ages ago. We’ve all got over it... Why you thieving little bastard!! What have your mother and I told you about stealing!?” Homer laughed calmly before snapping and strangling Bart.

“Let’s move on and see the performers and mimes...” Lisa sighed as Spud was dislocating his joints again and making bedroom eyes at her while horribly twisted with joints out of place.

They came to a stretch of pier with mimes, jugglers, fire breathers, living statues, artists etc performing or painting etc.

Homer saw a mime pretending he was in an invisible box. Homer knocked him out with one punch.

“Daaaaad!” Lisa yelled at him.

“What? Mimes are stupid! I hate them so much..l” Homer had an irrational hatred of mimes.

Then they came across a man juggling while riding a unicycle.

“Ha! I could do that...” said Homer. “If they let me ride a unicycle.

“Well no, but my Clownja can juggle better than that.” said Oscar as Clownja as a small midget clown was juggling some juggling balls.

“Very well Sir, throw me something to juggle.” said the juggler.

Homer threw Bart at him and he had to quickly juggle Bart and his pins. “Are you mad?! Don’t throw kids at me!” Homer threw Lisa at him forcing him to quickly juggle her too. “Hey stop!” Then Homer threw himself somehow.

“Hehehe!”

Eventually the juggler lost balance and fell off his unicycle into a heap with Bart, Lisa and Homer sat on top of him and laughing.

“Ah... I love Saturdays...” said Honer.

...

Meanwhile at home, in the basement. “Ah... I love Saturdays!” said Marge. She had a box with a new water heater/boiler inside. Nearby was the old and rotten water heater. Marge unscrewed it and with difficulty she hauled it upstairs carrying it on her back. She was stooping from the weight of it. Marge grunted as she hauled it upstairs.

Sometime later she was exhausted and arrived in the attic where Hugo was playing with a yo-yo. Marge threw the old rotten water heater on a pile of other old rotten water heaters in the attic.

“There! Five water heaters and we get one free!” said Marge satisfied.

The water heaters caused the ceiling of Maggie’s room to sag and have a damp patch.

After installing the new water heater Marge discovered under some dust a wooden door in the basement she had never noticed before. “How odd! A secret room?!” The room was a sauna because of the wooden walls and benches and the burning coals in the middle. Marge found the air humid and steamy. But it felt relaxing. “This must be a sauna!“ she sees a sign saying “742 Evergreen Terrace Sauna - It is a sauna!” She wonders if she should tell the rest of the family about what she found but has a dream where Homer invites Lenny and Lenny invites Carl and Moe.

“Nobody said anything about wearing towels.” said Moe sitting in the sauna naked.

“Um. I think I’ll keep this to myself for now..." she decided.

...

At the pier Homer was passing gift shop stalls. “Pshhhh! Look at all the crap they get parents to buy their kids! Who is stupid enough to buy this crap?!” said Homer.

We cut to Oscar dragging his poor uncle around and picking up things and saying “I want this! And this one! Oh and this! And this...”

“Oz please! I’m not made of money!” Uncle Buck Tamaki whined.

Homer grimaced at this sight. Then he was over joyed because he saw the Khlav Kalash man selling kebabs.

“Oooooooh! Lamb kebab!” said Homer buying and eating the lamb kebab by quickly sucking off all the meat from the skewer.

“Oooooooh! Chicken kebab!” He saw another kiosk selling chicken kebabs and bought and ate one.

“Ooooooh! Fire kebab!” said Homer seeing a fire eater. He took the fire eater’s torch as he was about to perform.

“No Dad! No!” Lisa warned him.

“Yes Dad! Yes!” said Bart being naughty.

Homer tried to eat the fire kebab but screamed and breathed fire as the fire burned his mouth. “Aaaaaagh! Aaaaaagh! Water! Water!”

“Here you go Dad!” said Bart smirking and passing a large white plastic bottle. Homer drank from it.

Then Homer noticed the bottle was labelled “Lighter fluid/Paraffin oil” Bart laughed. Homer the screamed and breathed large flames. Bart laughed hysterically.

"WHY!!! YOU!!! LITTLE!!!" Homer roared.

Homer then grabbed him by his throat and strangled him and breathed fire on him. “Burn Barty! Buuuuurn!”

...

At home Homer was lying on the couch and Dr Hibbert was called to treat his mouth burns. His tongue was bandaged up.

“Now this tongue bandage will put a damper on your love making!” said Dr Hibbert chuckling.

“No it won’t. If Homer wants me to do something he can just write it down on his blackboard!” said Homer.

Homer got out his tiny blackboard he had from when he broke his jaw being punched by Drederick Tatum’s gold statue and wrote “Yes.”

“Well, um you won’t be able to eat solid foods for a while Homer.” said Dr Hibbert.

Homer whined and tried to say “Oh but solids are my favorite!” But only garbled sounds came out.

“Homer we can’t understand you! Use your blackboard!” said Marge.

Homer sighed and wrote something.

“Oh, and Bart will be in intensive care for a week with third degree burns to sixty percent of his face. He is not ready to be seen yet...” said Dr Hibbert ominously as Bart’s injuries from being immolated by Homer’s fire breath were severe.

Marge cried and sobbed. “Oh my special little guy!”

“Oz... did you let Dark Simpsons write the plot and make it horrible and traumatic?” Lisa asked.

“No. I just applied logic. What did you think was gonna happen to Bart when Homer breathed fire in his face...” said Oscar.

“Who’s gonna do Bart’s lines and actions?!” Lisa asked annoyed.

“I have already planned for that.” said Oscar.

“Well I have overstayed my scene. Goodbye.” said Dr Hibbert leaving. He left.

Hugo then arrived and chuckled as he wrote with a marker pen on Homer’s bandaged tongue; “Moron”

“Wubbadibhewibe? Wubbadibhewibe?!” Homer asked Lisa what Hugo wrote on his tongue.

“Um... something complimentary...” said Lisa.

Homer was happy and genuinely thought Hugo wrote something complimentary on his tongue. He ran outside. “Hey guys! Look at my tongue!” He said garbled to someone outside the house.

Men were laughing. Possibly Homer’s friends.

Homer whined and went in sad.

...

A week or so later. At the hospital.

Dr Hibbert was removing Homer’s tongue cast with a plaster cast cutter.

“Now Homer, do you want me to remove your plaster cast by yanking or peeling...?”

Homer held up two fingers.

“Okay!” Dr Hibbert ripped off his plasters.

“Ooooooow!” Homer cried. “I held up two fingers!”

“Oh I thought that was a Y for yank.” said Dr Hibbert. “I may have to add that to your chart to remind you to be more clear...”

“Well at least I can taste again.” said Homer. He picked out from some lollipops a cherry flavoured one. “Oh cherry!” He tried it but screamed and fell over. “Aaaaaaagh! Too much cherry!” He picked out a lemon lollipop “Ah lemon! That’ll get rid of the cherry... Aaaaagh!” But it was too sour. But Homer put it in his mouth anyway and his face was sucked inwards in a comical fashion because it was so sour.

Oscar laughed.

Dr Hibbert pulled Homer’s face out again and took the lollipop from him.

“What is happening to me?!”

“Well I think I know, but let’s run some expensive tests! Ahehehehe!” said Hibbert.

...

Dr Hibbert had Homer’s tongue under a microscope.

“Ah! Just as I thought! That fire burnt off your old taste buds and caused new ones to grow!” said Dr Hibbert.

On a projector showing what the microscope was magnifying were lots of pink taste buds waving about.

“Ooooooh! That can be our Christmas card design this year!” said Marge.

“Yeah... Dad’s tongue...” said Hugo.

Bart with his face bandaged up made muffled sounds to talk.

“Homer you are so sensitive to taste now, spices will overwhelm you, even a taco will drive you crazy!” said Dr Hibbert.

“Oh no! Lisa, what’s next Tuesday?” Homer asked Lisa.

“Taco Tuesday.” said Lisa.

“Ay chihuahua!” Homer screamed in Hispanic.

...

In a rather ominous burns unit. Dr Hibbert was removing bandages from someone’s face like in the episode Pygmoelion. That someone was a beautiful lady after cosmetic surgery.

“Now do that other guy!” said Homer looking at all the results of the patients after surgery, burns recovery etc.

“Homer!” Marge said annoyed. “Dr. Hibbert, we’d like to see our son now...”

Dr Hibbert was taking off the bandages off of Bart’s face. “Well let’s hope the results are more pleasant than what you came in like...” said Hibbert, shuddering.

“Cool! Are you saying Bart could wind up uglier than me?” Hugo asked being cruel.

“Hugo!” Marge scolded him.

However, Bart saw to his relief he was back to his normal self apart from scars from skin grafts.

“I’ll never be quite the same though Doc. These scars will be a constant reminder of my burns.” said Bart.

“Well at least you no longer look like you just looked into the Ark of the covenant...” said Oscar, shivering in disgust.

“Oz that is not funny.” Bart scowled.

...

At home. Marge made Homer some very bland boiled beetroots for dinner because he was so sensitive to taste. “I tried my best to boil the red out of them.” said Marge, Homer can taste colours now apparently.

Homer tried some beets and screamed. “Aaaaaagh! I can till taste traces of pink!”

Lisa came in with Tupperware boxes with food inside.

“Here try this, Dad.” said Lisa giving Homer a Tupperware box of food.

Homer tried some. He found it tasted pleasant. “Mmmmmmmm! It feels like food but has no taste whatsoever! Lisa what is this bland stuff?” Homer asked.

“Macaroni cheese! It’s school cafeteria food! The blandest food there is!” said Lisa.

“Ow!” Homer crunched something from the Mac and cheese that was hard and hurt his teeth. “Who the hell puts batteries in food?!” He pulled out of his mouth a double A battery.

“Lunch Lady Doris... she says it counts as a vegetable...” said Lisa sighing.

“Or a source of zinc...” said Oscar.

“That is terrible! Putting batteries in our kids food!” said Homer. “Someone should do something about it!” He paused. “But I can’t cook and I can’t be bothered.”

Marge sighed.

“What else have you got Sweetie.” Homer asked Lisa.

“Well... Tofu Cubes, after I campaigned massively for vegetarian food. Tidy Joes. (I assume that’s a joke about sloppy joes, a type of pulled pork sandwich with onions) Chilli con cottage cheese, pecan blandies, cream of steam (That’s just stupid...) you guess thems...” said Lisa putting various containers of food and some thermos flasks of liquid foods like soups and stews on the kitchen table.

“Who comes up with this stuff?!” asked Homer.

“Bad comedy writers who lost their jobs and now have to work in the cafeteria with Lunch Lady Doris.” said Lisa.

Plot 2[]

We cut to the school kitchens. There are comedy writers in there.

“The most important thing to remember in Charles in Charge was that Charles was in charge.” said a comedy writer with glasses as he stirred something.

Lunch lady Doris was serving the horrible school dinners to school children and asking them to present their lunch cards.

“Lunch card... Lunch card... present your lunch card...”

“I don’t have one.” said Homer. Yes he’s getting lunch at school... this raises so many questions...

“Dad! What are you doing?!” Bart asked as he got lunch.

“I can only eat cafeteria food now! So I have to get my food here! Don’t worry I won’t embarrass you!” said Homer.

“The narrator’s right. This raises so many questions...” said Bart.

“Such as...” Homer asked.

“You have a cafeteria at work... you go to work so how is Mr Burns okay with you driving all the way to my school for lunch and back again...” Bart explained.

“If you don’t have a lunch card lunch costs three dollars fifty...” said Lunch Lady Doris.

Homer looked in his pockets for money. “Um I don’t have any, can I work in the kitchen?” questioned Homer.

Bart face palmed embarrassed.

“Eh, I’ll start you on jello.” drawled Lunch Lady Doris.

Homer went behind the till to serve jello but took off his shirt and put on a hair net to serve jello with his bare belly and man boobs showing. The horror! The horror!

“Oh I’m big and yellow and I’m serving jello!” Homer sung as he served the kids jello.

But when it was Bart’s turn, he wouldn’t let him have any jello.

“Uh uh uh... no jello for you, boy... it’ll keep you up at night. Like last week when you crawled into mommy and daddy’s bed?”

Everyone laughed at Bart. He was mortified.

“Don’t worry. I’m not embarrassing you...” whispered Homer.

Bart was humiliated as everyone laughed at him still.

...

Homer was eating his lunch at a table with Nelson, Ralph and Milhouse.

“I used to date your daughter!” Ralph chimed in to Homer.

“Look kid, I am here to eat, not make light conversation...” murmured Homer.

Bart whined as he sat down at the table.

“Dad do you have to embarrass me being here?! It’s bad enough I have to be here three days a week!” exclaimed Bart.

“No Bart you’re supposed to be here five days a-Mmmmmph!" Oscar pointed out, but Bart hand gagged him and hushed him.

“Shhhhh!” Bart shushed.

“Very well. I know when I’m not wanted!” said Homer. “Am I wanted?”

“No.” Bart replied.

He sat down near a ginger nerd who looks like Jurkle the Jewish kid. The kid was called Noah and his mom was a stupid Anti Vaxxer!

“Hey is your son named after a bible character and I can’t sneeze on him or he’ll die?” asked Homer.

“Vaccines are fascism! We will not be drugged!” The mom yelled.

“Yeah I can see your a complete and utter idiot and a danger to your son I’m gonna sit way over here....” said Homer leaving the table Noah and his mom were sat at.

Bart was then being stupid with his spaghetti while Canon Homer was telling Noah’s Mom Bart was gonna be the next president of the United States. Bart was sticking his spaghetti up his nose and threading it back out again from the other nostril and playing with it.

“Um yeah...You don’t see many presidents do that. Except maybe Lyndon B Johnson towards the end...” said Canon Homer.

But in Fanon Homer didn’t see this from where he was sitting.

....

Lisa wanted to sit near some bitchy popular girls.

“Can I sit here?” Lisa asked timidly.

“Depends. What have you got for lunch?” A popular girl asked.

“Well... jacket potato, a salad....some Korean steamed tofu."

“Well, we’re having cold shoulder.” sneered the popular girls. Ooooooh burn!

“Oh my bitches! Time to kick some bitch ass Stewie!” Oscar said to Stewie Griffin jumping on a table carrying a paintball gun.

“Oh! Don’t mind if I do!” Stewie grinned holding a paintball gun.

“Oh guys... no!” Lisa sighed.

Oscar and Stewie shot paint at the girls ruining their expensive clothes and making them cry.

...

Then it was lesson time. For some reason instead of heading back to work. Homer hung about after his kids went to afternoon lessons. Homer saw some parents including Noah’s mom spying on the classrooms.

“What are you lot doing?” Homer asked.

“We’re helicopter parenting.” answered a Dad.

Noah was being privately tutored by his mom. Homer noticed his canon counterpart barely standing to be in the presence of the little plague carrier.

Noah’s mom clapped and on cue Noah recited the states of America or something.

“Wow he’s terrified of you!” responded Canon Homer.

“Yeah I suppose having a nut job old hag for a mother cripple your immune system is pretty scary.” said Fanon Homer.

“Will you stop criticising my parenting skills Mr Strangles his eldest son!” Noah’s mom yelled.

“Why has BlueKraid made me so argumentative?!” Canon Homer asked.

I’m adding my political views now deal with it!

“Whoa whoa., you teach your son!? Isn’t that what we pay the teachers enormous salaries for?!” Canon Homer asked Noah’s mom.

“You’d trust your children’s futures with a complete stranger? Well if that’s fine with you Mr Simpson! That’s probably why your son is gonna be my son’s chauffeur...” said Noah’s mom.

“No you son won’t make it to eighteen and will die from measles or some other commonly vaccinated illness you mad bat!” said Fanon Homer.

“Fuck you!” Noah’s mom cursed.

“Will I stop being so argumentative?!” Canon Homer scolded himself.

“Fine... I’m supposed to be at work...” said Fanon Homer leaving.

My Homer left.

“Anyway I hope your son likes being driven around by the next president!” Homer boasted.

“Do presidents do that...” Noah’s mom asked grimacing in disgust as Bart was sticking spaghetti up his nose and playing with it as he went to class.

“Um no.... you don’t see many presidents do that... except Lyndon B Johnson towards the end...”

“Oh looks like President Simpson is in class now!” said Noah’s Mom.

Homer gasped and pressed his face up against Mrs Krabappel’s classroom door blatantly.

Mrs Krabappel sighed and tried to ignore Homer as she taught history or something.

Bart was mortified and put his hands over his face trying to not notice his Dad.

“Well how’s our next president doing?” Noah’s Mom asked.

Homer looked in on Bart to find him singing in a goofy voice a lalalala song while wearing clip folders as earrings! Homer was horrified. Then later Bart had fallen asleep and was drooling in his sleep.

“I errr better check on Lisa...” said Homer mortified by Bart’s behavior.

However Homer was disappointed to find Lisa being picked on by the popular girls, including Alex Whitney.

“Loser!”

“How many geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb? One but she’s all alone because she’s such a pathetic know it all!” Were the cruel taunts.

Lisa cried and ran off in tears.

“Oh my son’s an underachiever and my daughter’s unpopular! Oh where did Marge go wrong?!” Homer whined.

...

Homer came home to have words with Marge about their kids at school. Marge was relaxed and in a good mood after using the sauna.

“Marge, where have you been?!” Marge is in a dressing gown with a towel on her head feeling very relaxed and rejuvenated. “Never mind I’ll find out later. Our kids need me to be father again! A good father! Bart’s underachieving and not paying attention in class, and Lisa’s unpopular with other children!” Homer explained.

Marge was rather relaxed and calm about this.

“Okay...” said Homer. “And get this! Our kids are competing with this kid called Noah! He’s brilliant!”

“Noah... no ah.... Noah... I like that name...” said Marge.

“Oh hell no! No more kids! I didn’t even want Hugo!” said Homer.

Hugo ran off upstairs, crying.

Marge was thinking about Noah and lying on the couch relaxed.

“Don’t you usually worry about our kids?” Homer asked.

Marge sighed like she doesn’t care.

“Wait! If Marge isn’t worrying about our kids then I have to worry!........ Nah! All that rage gave me chest pains... who cares let’s drink mayonnaise!” Homer drank mayonnaise and had a stomach ache.

Then Ned broke canon and went to school the helicopter parent Rod/Todd.

“Oh heck no! You’re kids go to Christian school Mr Flanders!” said Oscar sending him away out of the scene. The school corridor that is.

Homer peaked in on Bart again. He was wearing clip folders as earrings again and singing. Homer shook his head.

“Sorry a Season one strict me. I just can’t be that strict, overbearing Dad anymore! I think it’s all that alcohol and prescription drugs...” said Homer to his badly animated older self.

“You’ll over parent and help Bart knuckle down or I’ll kick your liver from the inside!” Retro Homer threatened as he dressed up as serious Homer.

Homer gulped and went in Mrs K’s classroom and snatched the clip folders off of Bart. “Eyes front and pay attention! This is your future!” Homer nagged.

Bart made a face at him and reluctantly paid attention.

...

After school Homer was talking with Lisa and took a book out for her.

“It’s called What is wrong with my daughter.” Homer explained. The book was pink with pictures of popular girls dressing above their age as little sluts. “I’m gonna help you become popular!”

Lisa frowned. “You’re helping me become a nasty, poisonous, spiteful young lady who dresses provocatively and acts like a spoiled brat? Yeah sorry, Dad, but no. I don’t want to be like that to be popular... how about you talk with the girls’ moms and dads and tell them to discipline their extremely rude offspring for once in their bimbo lives!”

“Sweetie, popular girls are supposed to be mean and nasty... it’s called the social ladder. The nasty popular lot get popular with their venomous put downs. The nerds and losers stay at the bottom like beans in a seven layer dip...” said Homer.

“Ugh! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! No! No, society is supposed to be run by the cruel and the nasty lot just because they have the latest phone, the nicest clothes or the most vile insults! Go home Dad!” Lisa ranted.

“Ooooooh....” Homer sighed.

...

Bart’s class had a model construction competition to make models of buildings out of matchsticks or something. Homer needed to spark Bart’s imagination as he was sleeping again.

Homer saw a poster of the Eiffel Tower. “No.” The Seattle needle UFO tower. “No has to be something from Earth.” A blood drive poster with no pictures. “You’re no help!” He screwed them all up. Then he saw a poster of the Washington Monument. “Ah! Perfect!” He folded it into a paper plane and flew it. It landed in Bart’s ear waking him up.

“I am doing... the Washington Monument?”

“Sure... pick a straight line... suit yourself Bart.” said Mrs Krabappel putting him down to do the easiest model.

“I like Bart’s idea!” said Ralph in the classroom.

“Ralph, you’re not in my class!” said Mrs Krabappel.

“Willie swept me in here!” said Ralph.

“My mistake!” said Willie sweeping Ralph out of the classroom with his broom and sweeping in Nelson.

Homer whined and figure he should have picked the Eiffel Tower.

Then he tried to be a helicopter but smacked into the lockers and fell over. “Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!”

“Hey most of us helicopter parents identify as our genders as Helicopter!” said an anthropomorphic helicopter with legs who was human a while ago.

“Yeah sure... Sir or Madam? Are you male or female? Nah let me muck up your survey/legal documents for your database/spreadsheets and put down Helicopter! That really makes sense!” Homer retorted.

Plot 3[]

During dinner, Marge’s stored all the old water heaters in the attic came back to bite her when the Simpsons were interrupted by an almighty crash from upstairs.

“What the hell was that?!” Homer questioned.

The Simpsons hurry upstairs. They come to Maggie’s room. There is a gaping hole in the ceiling with splintered floor boards sticking out and a pile of old rotten water heaters sat on the crushed remnants of what was once Maggie’s crib.

“Oh My!” Marge gasped.

“Who’s idea was it to store those water heaters in the attic and not throw them away at the dump...” said Bart.

“Your sister says that damages the environment...” said Marge.

“Well now they’ve wrecked the house...” said Bart.

“Where will Maggie sleep?” Homer asked.

“Where will I sleep!? I can’t have a big gaping hole in my bedroom floor!” said Hugo.

“Quiet, mutant freak! We’ll find something!” Homer was being mean to Hugo. Oscar kicked Homer very hard in the balls. “Ow, ow, ow! What the hell?!”

"Leave Hugo alone unless you wanna sleep outside in the driveway!" Oscar scolded. "I am getting sick and tired of your crap towards poor Hugo!"

“I have a solution...” said Marge.

That night. Marge got out from the attic an old crib. Probably Hugo’s old crib. I don’t know if he even had one. “Maggie will sleep in this crib, in our room until we can get another and fix that hole.”

“But Marge! That’s why we have a baby radio to hear Maggie when she needs us!” said Homer.

“Well at least we’re not stupid enough to have Maggie sleep with us in our bed, that’s the number one cause of baby deaths!” said Marge.

“Yeah some people are so stupid...” said Homer.

“And what about me?” Hugo asked already in his pajamas.

“You’ll have to bunk with Bart.” said Marge.

“What?! No way! Uh uh! I don’t want to share my bed with that freak!” Bart yelled.

“Bart!!” Marge and Oscar yelled. “Don’t you dare call him that!!”

“Fine... but he really creeps me out trying to reattach us with his needle and ball of thread.” said Bart.

“Hey! You’re the obnoxious one!” Hugo yelled. “You keep farting in the bed and shoving me under the covers!”

“Hugo don’t scare your brother. Bart don’t fart in the bed...” Marge sighed.

...

The next morning.

Hugo was drowsy and irritable because Bart kept Dutch Ovening him all night.

“Eeeeeew! You smell like farts...” Lisa groaned.

“Thanks Lisa...” Hugo sighed.

“Bart were you Dutch oven-ing him again last night...?” Lisa sighed.

“Maybe...” said Bart.

Homer came in. “Oh my god! Lisa what day of mayo is it?”

“Cinco.” said Lisa.

“Ayayayay!” said Homer in a Hispanic manner.

“Dad Dr Hibbert warned you that you are too sensitive to taste now, a taco would drive you insane! Now eat your Lunch Lady Doris’s all day, all week really all in one, swimming in grease breakfast.” said Lisa.

Homer got out a Tupperware container with what was supposed to be fried eggs, tomatoes, bacon and mushrooms in in it, but they didn’t look right... especially after whatever Lunch Lady Doris did to them.

“It’s a good thing for me this food is so bland.” said Homer eating. “Now to attend to whatever mess of my employment Matt has made because I was paying off my lunches by doing cafeteria work at your school sweetie.”

“Dad no... just go back to status quo...” Bart sighed.

After helicopter parenting Bart, once again trying to get Lisa to try to learn to be bitchy to be popular and insulting Noah’s anti vaxxer mom and coughing on Noah. Homer went to Moe’s after work and read the bitchy popular girl book that Connie D’Amico probably read from cover to cover. Or even co authored.

“Hey, one of you said something bad about the other.” he said to Lenny and Carl.

“You did?!” Lenny and Carl yelled and punched each other.

“Homer what is in that book?” Moe asked.

“Oh just a little book on how a little girl like my Lisa can learn to be popular. Unfortunately she doesn’t want to read it. Says it turns girls into bullies.” said Homer. “It’s got everything in here like hate invites, insults disguised as compliments... watch!”

“Lenny it takes great courage to come out dressed like your from the circus...” said Homer in a condescending manner.

“Why thanks- Hey! Are you saying my clothes are clown like?!” Lenny whined.

“And the cruelest one of all the Toledo take back...” said Homer.

“What’s that?” Carl asked.

Homer demonstrates. “Hey everyone let’s all go out for ice cream!” Then he looked at Moe. “Oh I’m sorry Moe! When I said everyone. I didn’t mean everyone, everyone!”

Moe cried and ran into the back room where his bedroom was.

“Homer that was just mean...” Carl said sharply.

...

At school the popular girls had something to say about Lisa rejecting them rather than reading their book to beg to join them.

“Who does she think she is?! Rejecting us! We reject losers like her! Not the other way round!” said a popular girl.

“She is so full of herself!” said another.

“And those pearls are so last decade...” said Connie D’Amico.

“You said it sistah!” said Mindy from Grim Adventures.

Lisa went past doing loser signs at them.

“You’re the only loser here Lisa!” said the popular girls.

“No I’m not...” Lisa replied.

“Yes you are!” The popular girls yelled.

Elsewhere Bart kept dreaming about Oscar Wilde at the Washington monument.

“Wake up!” Homer woke him up from sleeping in class. “I just got permission to take you out of school for the day to go to the model kit store.”

“Coooool!” said Bart.

“Turn that grin upside down! It’s purely educational!” said Homer.

Homer took Bart to the model store.

“Oh look! It’s the Washington Monument kid! It must be sooooo hard constructing a simple obelisk...” Raphael mocked Bart.

“We’ve changed our mind.” said Homer. “Bart is going to be building... Westminster Abbey!”

Everyone gasped.

“But that’s impossible!” said Kirk.

“Not for my boy!” said Homer.

“Good luck on all the buttresses!” said Sideshow Mel.

“Hehehehe! Buttresses...” Bart chuckled.

Otto came in. “Can I have some more model glue?”

“Sonny you buy a lot of glue but no models?” said Raphael concerned.

“Um... I’ll take one spitfire model kit and one hurricane...” said Otto.

“Sold!” Raphael took his money and gave him the glue and models.

Otto threw the models in the bin outside and took the glue home. Probably to inhale...

...

Bart got to work on his project.

“No Dad. You can’t help! It says so in the rules of the model fair. Pupils may not receive help from their parents...” said Bart.

Homer groaned and went downstairs.

He found a new way to insult Flanders in an underhanded manner with the bitchy popular girls book he took out.

“Wow! You really pull off that middle aged Dad in a sweater look and totally don’t look like a creep!” said Homer.

“Hey!” Bill Cosby as Dr Cliff Huxtable yelled offended.

“Wow Mr Quagmire... you look great dressed as Dale from Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers!” Oscar backhanded compliments Quagmire. “That look is so you!”

“Hey! And for your information Tom Selleck from Magnum PI created this look originally! So there!” said Quagmire.

“Well you are such a gentleman around women an so totally not a hypocrite judging people for your own misdemeanours! At least Brian never roofied any of his girlfriends!” Oscar retorted.

...

Bart dreamt of Oscar Wilde again. This time while inside the Westminster Abbey

“Excuse me but who the hell are you?!” Bart asked.

“I’m famed Irish playwright and Poet Oscar Wilde.” said Oscar Wilde as a ghost floating about Westminster Abbey.

“Nope. Never heard of ya.” said Bart.

Oscar sighed and turned into Krusty.

“Cooooool! Krusty in my dreams!” said Bart.

“Yeah but this gonna cost ya kid. I think I’ll wire this payment request for my royalties to your Dad’s bank account.” said Krusty smoking a cigar.

“Why are you here anyway?” Bart asked.

“I’m here to tell you to let your dad build your model for ya. No one will know the difference! And besides you hate hard work...” said Krusty.

“Krusty that’s a terrible lesson!” said Sideshow Mel. “And I was supposed to be Anne of Cleeves you uncultured little ragamuffin!”

“Look I hate learning...” said Bart. “Anyway who’s Geoffrey Chauncer then?”

“That would be me Master Bart Simpson.” said Geoffrey the Butler from Fresh Prince of Bel air.

“Man TVs rotting my brain...” said Bart.

Hugo wriggled in his sleep in discomfort. “No! Bart... stop ruining this historical scene with your favourite TV stars... you uneducated fool!”

Hugo found himself in his dream in Westminster Abbey throttling Bart for imagining Geoffrey Chauncer, Anne of Cleeves and Oscar Wilde as beloved a TV stars Bart liked.

“You low brow Buffoon! Stop wrecking this scene!” Hugo yelled while strangling Bart.

Hugo was even more annoyed because Bart imagined the grave of King Henry VII as the grave of Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge.

“Stop it!” Hugo yelled.

...

The next morning Bart was 9/11 ing the Westminster Abbey with a toy plane while making plane noises as he smashed his toy plane into his model of Westminster Abbey.

Oscar suddenly throttled him. “Stop that! That’s really offensive! Especially after what happened to your world trade centre!”

Hugo sighed as he read a big geeky history book on Tudor monarchs.

In the backyard Homer got all the bitchy popular girls at school to decorate mobile phones with plastic beads and stuff.

”To turn those one hundred dollar phones on sixty dollar contracts into five dollar toys...” said Homer.

Oscar suddenly outside was eating candy from a plastic see through pretend mobile phone with candy inside and taking into it. “Yello? Candy cane junction?”

The bitchy girls were not interested.

”We are not hanging out with that loser!” said a bitchy girl pointing to Lisa.

”Hey that happens to be my daughter!” Homer stood up for Lisa.

”Yeah well, I wouldn’t want to hang out with horrible, nasty little bullies like you anyway!” said Lisa.

Oscar was still on the phone to his candy containing plastic phone.

”Yeah Lollipop Lane? Yeah I’ve got a grumpy little girl here who has had too many sour lemon balls...” said Oscar on the phone.

”Oz enough!” Lisa yelled.

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