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The Mysterious Voyage of Homer At a chilli cook off, Homer eats Guatemalan insanity Peppers and hallucinates a very weird world where he goes on an adventure and meets Johnny Cash as a magic coyote.

Plot[]

A newspaper arrives on the Simpsons door mat. The headline is “Fifty ways to waste your weekend.”

Mmmmmm.... Paul Simon...

Homer's friends try to tell him there's a cook off, but Marge interceptes all means of communication such as cutting the article out of his paper.

Homer is reading the newspaper. “Why do they put all this crud in here?!” He groaned. “Twenty die in train crash. Flam!” He takes out all the boring articles and throws them away.

“Look at this! Religion! The arts! The weather! People dying! Politics! Ah here we are! Kicking it back...” said Homer reading the comics and bill board notices. “Hey! Who cut out the articles?!” Homer had a carefully cut hole in his newspaper as if someone wanted to hide an article from him.

“Not me.” said Lisa.

“Mmmmhmmmm!” Oscar shook his head.

“Not me! I’m more of a mail tamperer.” said Bart.

“Well don’t look at me! Just because I’m holding scissors!” said Marge with Scissors. “Scissors with which to gussy up these curtains!” said Marge cutting up the corn cob curtains over the sink.

“It was mutant Bart! Cut up my articles will ya?!” Homer strangled Hugo.

(Hugo wheezing and gasping in pain.)

“Homer stop that! You have no proof it was Hugo!” Marge snapped.

Telling Lenny he's not in.

While Homer ate his breakfast. The door rang. Marge already had her breakfast earlier answered. Lenny was there.

“Hi Marge! Is Homer ready for the big chill-“ Lenny asked.

“No no no! He’s very sick! It’s contagious! No visitors! Goodbye!” Marge hastily shut the door on him.

“Marge who was that at the door?” Homer asked.

“Um those annoying Jehovah’s Witnesses.” said Marge lying.

“Grrrrr! Stupid heathens trying to make me change my religion...“ Homer growled from the kitchen.

And knocking the phone out of it's socket with the vacuum cleaner while vacuum cleaning loudly when he gets a phone call from Lenny.

Homer is in the living room when the phone rings he answers it before Marge can.

“Yello? Oh hi Lenny! What?! Sick? No I’m fine! Who told you that? Never mind, what’s up. Uh? No... why would I need a ride somewhere today...” Homer spoke. Suddenly Marge turned on the hoover loudly. “What? Lenny there’s a loud noise on the line, you’ll have to speak up!” But Homer could only make out bits that told him nothing. “Where? To the big annual what?” Marge grunted frustrated and knocked the plug of the telephone that connected up with the house telephone socket and knocked it out of its socket. The phone cut out.

“Hmmmm! That’s odd! The line went dead!” said Homer. “Oh well... if it was important I’m sure they’d mention it in the newspaper...”

Marge sighed with relief.

...

The dog growled at something later on that day.

“Ah yes.... it’s a lazy dog dangling afternoon.” said Homer holding a dog toy as Santa’s little Helper was clamped onto the red plastic bone with his teeth. “Hmmmm, this is giving my arm a great work out! Maybe I should work out the other arm!” Homer had an idea as he continued to torment the dog. He whistled to call a pet while holding a rotten old doll. “Here boy! Here little attic monster!” Hugo growled like a chihuahua and clamped his teeth on his old scruffy doll he found in the attic boxes of old stuff. He was now dangling while clamped onto his doll.

Marge for some odd reason was smoking. She coughed as she smoked a cigarette.

“Something is a bit off... Marge! You don’t smoke!” said Homer teasing Hugo and the dog.

“Well, I just felt like filling the house with the the rich, satisfying aroma of tobacco!” said Marge breathing smoke at Homer.

“You’re nuts...” muttered Homer wafting the smoke away. “I’m going outside to get some fresh air...”

Marge gasped. “No Homer! Wait!” She tried to stop him.

“Marge, what’s wrong with you?! What are you trying to hide from me?!” Homer asked getting outside to the backyard.

However while outside sleeping in his hammock. Homer smells chilli. "I smell salsa, police mace..., onion, chilli powder, cumin, ooohhhh chuck mince... Chilli!"

"I'm missing the Chilli cook off! Where are my chilli shoes?!" Homer runs inside to get changed.

"D'oh!" Marge groans. "I was trying to hide the news because of how you behaved last time when you had too much to drink..."

“Drunk?!” Homer asked.

“Yes! Every year at the chilli cook off you drink like a poet on payday!” Marge ranted.

We cut suddenly to an extremely drunk T S Elliot stumbling about pissed at a party of poets holding a bottle of spirits and insulting Emily Dickinson.

“Well... urp! I don’t wanna fight no union... I’ll write you a dirty limerick...” T S Elliot said slurring his words.

“Narrator no!” Marge and Homer groaned.

Oscar laughed.

Lisa giggled. “It was clever Mom. Ha! Drunk poets!”

In the flashback Homer is drunk and naked while bathing in the cotton candy maker. "Loook! I'm a pink fluffy cloud!" He slurs drunkenly. Everyone is mortified. He even scared some kids when he drunkenly stumbled out of the cotton candy machine naked, covered up with pink cotton candy.

“Look at me! I’m a pink fluffy cloud!” Homer said drunk and hiccuping. He was naked but covered in pink cotton candy. He stumbled out of the cotton candy machine.

Children screamed frightened as their mortified parents pulled them away from the giggling drunk, naked man.

Homer giggled and stumbled about wearing cotton candy.

”Marge I’m pretty sure Homer did not cover himself in cotton candy and that you’re confusing memories with episodes of Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers I’ve been watching.” said Oscar. “Cos I saw the one where a guy falls in a cotton candy machine last Tuesday.”

”Oz I’m serious. Homer really did get drunk and jump in the cotton candy machine naked...” Marge sighed embarrassed.

"Promise you won't drink this year!" Marge sighs.

"But beer is my thing! And what if the chilli is too hot and I need to cool down.

"Homer, you have a cast iron stomach. No chilli is too hot for you..." Bart explained handing over his wooden spoon.

"Fine, only drink to cool your mouth down. I highly doubt any of the chilli this year will be that hot."

“Marge relax and have a cigarette!” said Homer.

“Okay. I don’t see why not...” said Marge.

...

They all go to the cook off.

At the cook off fair outside in the sunshine. There were tents and stalls set up by the townsfolk to offer their home maid chillis to try. The con carne, not the spicy pepper that makes it hot.

“I’m gonna try some of vegetarian chillis before they resort to adding meat to them!” said Lisa going off somewhere.

“And I’ve got to dump this freshly cooked mince I made in the vegetarian chillis! Mwuhahahaha!” said Bart wearing oven gloves and running off after Lisa with a hot steaming pot of chilli con carne mince with out the chilli con carne.

“Baaaaaart!” Lisa yelled.

Bart laughed.

“Well I’m off to claim some valuables from the lost and found.” said Oscar going off somewhere on the chilli cook off.

Marge looked at the market stalls selling spice racks etc. “Oooooh! What an adorable spice rack!” It had eight spices in it. “Eight spices?! Must all be doubles.” She read a jar. “Oregano?! What is that?!” Lol she’s silly!

Oscar face palmed exasperated with her. He then went off to raid the lost property tent again.

Homer whined and pulled her.

“Maaaaarge! We’re missing the chilli!” Homer whined. “Less artsy, more fartsy!”

“Okay Dad!” said Hugo. He crouched and clenched hard and farted.

“Hugo!” Marge scolded him for farting.

“Homer let go! I happen to appreciate home crafts and spice racks more than stuffing my face!” Marge nagged Homer to leave her alone.

“Fine... I’ll come find you when I’m ready to stop having fun...” said Homer leaving to try the chillis.

“Remember your promise! No drinking! Except to cool your mouth down...” said Marge.

“Stupor pooper...” said Homer out of hearing range as he was long gone.

Everyone is enjoying themselves until Homer arrives. They become silent as he is wearing his cook off boots and takes out his spoon.

"They say he carved it from a bigger spoon..." Lenny remarks to Moe. Either that or a bitter spoon. But knowing Homer he’d ruin a spoon to make a smaller spoon rather than actually make one from scratch...

Homer goes to Ned's Five Alarm Chilli allotment. It's themed around the fire brigade and he's wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

Homer tries some of his chilli. "Hmmm... one, two... Hey! What's the big idea..."

"Oh it's true! It's only two! Two and a half tops!" Ned groans. Homer waltzes away laughing.

"Dad are you going to jail?" Rod asks.

"We'll see son, we'll see..." Ned replies.

Homer then tries Moe's chilli. He's dressed up in an old barbershop outfit with a moustache.

"Hmmmm, a bland and timid entry, suitable for reviving people! Ha!" Homer waltzes off laughing.

Meanwhile Marge is offered a square dance by Mr Smithers.

"I didn't know you square danced, Mr Smithers." Marge asked.

"Madam, if I couldn't honk the honk, I wouldn't tonk the tonk!" Smithers is in a cowboy costume. (This is an early episode before he became gay.)

Elsewhere Bart, Oscar and Hugo are drinking soft drinks at the buffet.

"I dare you to try some of the chilli entries!" Bart smirked.

"Are you nuts?! We're kids! That stuff would kill us! Except Flame, he's got a tongue of asbestos..." Oscar replied.

"Wimp..." Bart murmured as he sipped his cola with a straw.

Hugo slurped his soda.

At the square dance area Helen Lovejoy being a bitch mocks Marge for believing Homer’s drinking promises.

”So Homer’s not drinking huh?”

”No Helen... he promised.” said Marge.

”Oh that’s adorable that you believe him Marge!” Helen giggled sarcastically and rudely.

”Yes Helen, let’s not go on about Homer’s binge drinking....” said Reverend Lovejoy.

...

Clancy Wiggum is planning a super hot chilli just for Homer.

”That Homer Simpson! He thinks his the Pope of Chilli town....” Wiggum muttered as he watched Homer humiliate residents who brought in their own chillis.

Apparently this is a reference to the film The Pope of Greenwich Village but that film has nothing in it about popes or chilli! So instead it is a reference to how the Pope in the Simpsons universe likes to eat chilli.

His Grace Pope John Paul II or something was trying Bumblebee Man’s chilli.

”Well I have a secret up my sleeves...” Wiggum boasted.

"So what's the secret Chief?" Lou asked.

"The merciless peppers of Quezalacatenango! Grown in a Guatemalan insane asylum!" Clancy explained pulling out a pepper with his tongs. The pepper was red with green glowing markings running across it. The pepper occasionally let out a sinister rattle like a rattle snake's tail. Wiggum dropped it back into the chilli.

Meanwhile in a Guatemalan insane asylum. Some inmates were watering chilli plants.

”So um... instead of growing weed or smuggling coke or meth... we’re growing chillis...” said an inmate.

”They’re hallucinogenic... and we’re lunatics in an asylum! Eh oooh! Eh ooooh! Cockadoodle doooooo!” said another inmate making noises.

Back in Springfield at the chilli cook off.

Homer soon arrived.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly theme music played.

"Well, Homer, want some chilli?" Clancy asked.

"You know I do Chief. Let's hope it's better than your entry last year..." Homer smirked.

"If you say so!" Chief Wiggum smirked as he stilled the chilli. "It has a special ingredient. The merciless Peppers of Quezalacatenango! Grown in a Guatemalan insane asylum!" He shows Homer the chilli which rattles of its own volition.

"Uh, chief... my chilli's getting cold..." Homer gets impatient. Wiggum serves him some peppers.

Homer slowly brings a pepper to his mouth. However as soon as a drop of the mixture falls on his tongue it ignites a glowing yellow and erupts in flames. Homer drops the chilli pepper and screams and runs away.

Chief Wiggum and his officers burst out laughing along with the rest of the people who entered or are trying the chilli.

Homer drinks down several glasses of beer to cool himself off.

"Homer! Slow down!" Marge yelled.

"But I need it! My moub ib really hob!" Homer groans as his blistered tongue makes it difficult to talk.

"Hrrrrm! You better not get drunk and humiliate me!" Marge sighed as she went to the gift shop.

Plot 2[]

Homer pondered a way to cheat. He sees a candle. He decides to drink from it.

That’s a Tapeheads reference because apparently the main character drinks a candle...

"Mister Simpson! You don't want to drink that candle!" Ralph asked.

"Maybe I do Ralph... Maybe I do..." Homer smirks.

Homer returns to Chief Wiggum's tent.

"Oh waaaaa waaaa! My chilli's too hot!" Wiggum teases him.

"More chilli..." Homer demands.

"Ok, it's not my job to stop people killing themselves!" Wiggum serves Homer a chilli.

Homer eats it whole. Everyone gasps in horror. "More..." Homer asks. Wiggum reluctantly gives him more. Homer eats them one by one.

"He's inhuman!" A person gasps.

“By all logic Mr Simpson’s mouth should feel like molten lava by now!’ said Dr Hibbert astonished.

"Hehehe! Don't quit your day job, chief! Whatever that is..." Homer laughs before going to find Marge and the kids. Wiggum is confused as to how he was able to tolerate the chilli.

...

However as Homer walks he gets a stomach ache. "Oooooh! I don't feel so good!" Homer stumbles about in pain until he bumps into Flanders.

"Flanders! You have to help me!" Homer begs.

"Well what can I ding dong diddly habba hooei habba hooie (mouths and moustaches appear as Ned quivers about like a lava lamp sounding distorted, “Gabba Gabba hey?" Ned asks. This is a reference to Pinhead by the Ramones.

”Who ya callin’ Pinhead?” Patrick Star asked the Ramones.

”I wanna be Dirty Dan...” Pinhead from Hellraiser asked.

Bart face palmed.

Homer screams at what he's seeing and stumbles about in front of other citizens at the cook off.

"Goo goo ga joob?" asks Jasper as a walrus.

"Ha ha! Ha ha!" Nelson laughs in an awkward rhythm. He is distorted like a cubism painting.

Mrs Krabappel makes the trumpet sound adults make in the Peanuts comics.

Barney burps loudly for a long time and triangles travel along his stomach as it ripples.

Homer screams and runs off.

"Mr Simpson!" Ralph yells.

"He knows what he's doing..." Otto explains.

...

After Homer fled, Oscar’s friend Flame Magmarashi was trying the chillis. Sometimes his a human version of a Quilava from Pokemon, sometimes he’s a pyromaniac with fire elemental powers. Like Pyro from X men but not evil.

Flame tried Ned’s five alarm chilli.

”five alarm eh?” He tries some. “One... two... Hey!”

“Ooooh. It’s really only two alarm... two and a half tops...” said Ned whining.

”Ned, Flame has an asbestos tongue. He can stomach any chilli. So don’t feel bad...” said Oscar.

...

Homer finds himself in a desert. "Whooooa! Where am I..." A giant butterfly scares him. "Aaaaagh!"

Then he passes a river. He morphs about like putty. "Oooooh! I hope I didn't Brain my damage!" he remarks. "Better check my pupils." He looks in the river. They are going crazy.

Suddenly the river turns into a giant yellow and black striped snake that wraps him in its coils and hisses at him. The snake then slithers away. "Ooooookay..." Homer is weirded out by what just happened.

Homer then passes some cacti. However as he moves the sun sets. He takes a step back and it rises.

"Sun rise! Sun set! Sun rise! Sun set!" Homer plays with the sun until it falls and breaks like glass. "Aaaaagh!" Homer screamed. "Ok, note to self. Don't do anything..."

Homer gathers some rocks to spell out HELP. However the last rock moves away on its own.

"Hey! Get back with those other rocks!" Homer yells at the moving rock. Which is actually a tortoise. "Wait! A message! Follow the... come on! Follow the what?! Follow the what?!" Homer asks. The last word appears. "The tortoise?! Aaaaaaw!"

Homer is following a tortoise whilst kicking it to hurry up. "Come on come on! When I'm kicking you that means hurry up!" Homer groans. The tortoise glares at him and continues crawling. Eventually Homer gets so annoyed he gives the tortoise a big kick and sends it flying like an armoured football. Homer runs after it.

The tortoise lands near a small pyramid. Homer catches up with it. The tortoise wordlessly instructs with a nod that he must climb it.

"I just have to climb that?" Homer asked. The tortoise nods. "Piece of cake!" Homer boasts. However as he approaches the pyramid it grows to tremendous size, it must have been hundreds of feet tall. With many steps. "Aaaaaaaaaw!" Homer moaned. "This is because I kicked you, isn't it?!"

The tortoise nodded with a smug grin.

Meanwhile Marge drives home with the kids.

“Lise, check it out. Time for chili.“ said Bart wearing an orange Time for Chilli hat.

”I saw it, Bart.“ Lisa sighed.

”You're just mad 'cause there's no clock in your hat.“ Bart boasted.

”What hat?” Lisa asked.

”Lis. I’m wearing a hat.... you just said you saw it...” Bart was concerned by her amnesia.

Elsewhere.

Homer groans and climbs the pyramid. Eventually he reaches the top. At the top is Marge but she has her back turned.

"Ahhhh! There you are honey! Marge? Why won't you look at me? Marge?" Homer runs around her trying to find her face, but it's just an elaborate illusion and a reflection of his feelings that she might be mad at him.

Suddenly Homer hears laughter and a giant red coyote appears in the sky.

"Aaaaagh!" Homer screams. "Who are you?"

"Homer, I'm your spirit guide, do you know why your here?" asked the red coyote in the voice of Johnny Cash.

"I ate insanity Peppers and tripped really hard..." Homer replied.

"No... You're on a quest. A quest to find your soulmate." The coyote explained.

"My soulmate? Oh that's easy! That's Marge!" Homer replied. The coyote looks at him quizzically. "What? Who is it then?"

"That's for you to find out, I can't help you any more than that." said the coyote.

"Well, what else because what is this- Ow! Hey! Knock it off!" The coyote was biting him so he kicked it.

"Sorry, I can't control myself sometimes." The coyote explained.

"Why am I on this mystical quest anyway? Should I get rid of my worldly possessions too while I'm at it?"

The coyote scoffed. "As if! In fact you should get more worldly possessions!"

"Oh!"

"Now Homer, I must go! And you must wake up!" The coyote vanished.

...

Homer wakes up in the bunker of a golf course.

"What the! Ooooh! It was all a dream... the desert was this bunker! And that pyramid was that pyramid model! And that talking coyote was just a talking dog...

"Homer, find your soulmate!" said the dog.

"Waitaminute! There's no such things as talking dogs!" Homer yelled. Homer glares at the dog and it barks normally. "I thought so!

Homer finally arrives home. Marge embraces him.

"Homer where have you been?! You've been gone all night! We were so worried when Wiggum said you ran away from the cook off muttering something and screaming!" Marge explained.

Homer went to sit down on the couch. "It's a long story and you'll probably not believe it." Homer explained.

"Hrrrm..." Marge groaned. "I have half the mind to believe you were drunk and woke up somewhere..."

"Well I wasn't!" Homer said offended. "I drank some candle wax, went back to Wiggum to regain my pride and ate some of his insanity peppers. Walked off victorious as usual when I got a stomach ache and went to speak to Ned. However I started seeing weird stuff, ended up in a desert with giant butterflies, a giant snake, a tortoise, a pyramid and a talking red coyote. And he told me to find my soulmate before I woke up on a golf course." Homer explained.

"I'm afraid Dad might be right! Chief Wiggum explained to everyone after the cook off that his chillis were Guatemalan insanity Peppers! They can cause vivid hallucinations! That's why he was only serving one in each serving, not because of their intense heat but because they're hallucinogenic!" Lisa explained.

"Well, I'm never trying those insanity Peppers ever again!" Homer remarked. "In fact I need a lie down!" He went up to bed.

"Hrrrrm... Well at least he's home..." Marge sighed.

...

In the kitchen. Bart is having an odd conversation.

“So then I says to Mabel. I says...” said Bart.

“Hey kids. Where’s your mother?” Homer asked.

“Out in the yard.” said Lisa.

Homer went outside.

“Any where was I... So then I says to Mabel. I says...” said Bart.

Marge is outside putting her washing on the line. In canon she’s furious with Homer. In my fanon she’s just relieved his ok.

“Homer I’m disappointed you drank. But I suppose I’ll have to get used to that...” Marge sighed.

”Shame on you Marge! Lay into him! He promised he wouldn’t drink!” A tiny angel Marge yelled at her.

”Anyway I’m just relieved you’re okay.” said Marge.

”Yes. Now a giant red space coyote told me I must seek my soulmate. I believe that to be you.” said Homer.

Marge hrrrrrrmmmmed.

In the lounge, it is evening outside. Bart watching TV sees the Bat signal, but it’s the Homer signal with Homer’s silhouette.

“Is that the Bat signal?” Oscar asked looking out the window.

“If it is, Batman has really let himself go...” said Bart.

Hugo laughed.

Upstairs in the master bedroom.

Homer’s stomach groaned in pain. “What is it tummy... you need a beer?” He asked his stomach. It gurgled in pain. “Daddy will get you a beer.” The pain was even more intense, like he need to go to toilet immediately! “Oh crap!” He ran in the bathroom.

Lisa was reading a book when she was interrupted by her Dad screaming in agony and swearing and loud shitting sounds as he took one hell of a dump. And splashing and splattering sounds. “Nnnnnnnghhhhhh! Lord, help me to release this demon!” Homer growled straining to poop.

“Eeeeeeew!” Lisa groaned.

After Homer flushed and left the bathroom. Marge smelt the bathroom. “Eeeeeeeugh! Homer what did you eat?!”

“Well... those crazy Guatemalan insanity peppers gave me the worst fiery after chill molten lava ass ever! I’m never trying them again!” said Homer.

“Eeeeugh!” Marge was repulsed by the smell.

”Well that’s disgusting. It’s put me off cooking tonight...” said Marge.

Dinner time.

Bart was playing a video game.

”Hey Bart! Mom’s making tacos!” yelled Hugo.

”Tacos!” Bart screamed like GIR and ran after Hugo.

Oscar winced. “And I’m the silly one, apparently.”

Meanwhile Homer borrowed Oscar’s laptop.

”Don’t check my history!“ Oscar yelled.

”Eeeeeeeeew!” Homer groaned in disgust.

He decided to write a fan fiction. He wrote about Bart drinking a pumpkin spiced latte with whipped cream.

Hugo read this and was outraged.

”That is so asinine!! Just order coffee! Black? Or with milk! You do not need all these “Italian” coffees! Cappuccino. Frappe. Mocha... Americano.... Machiato...” Hugo ranted.

Bart was eating tacos.

”Bart that’s been your sixth taco...” said Lisa concerned.

Bart muffled as he ate.

”Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate.” said the Johnny Cash red space coyote.

”Where? Where??” Homer asked desperately.

”This is just a memory. I can not give you any new information.” said the red space coyote.

Homer groaned.

”Okay Dad’s talking to himself....” Hugo winced.

Plot 3[]

Hugo was reading up on the Quetzalacatenango peppers.

”Quetzal is a type of tropical bird. It is also the currency of Guatemala.”

”Quetzalcoatl is a bird like man monster in Aztec mythology.“

”Tenango means “Land of” in the Quiche language.”

”Mmmmmmmmmm! Quiche...” Oscar moaned with delight and drooled.

Hugo winced.

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