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Dog of Death The Simpsons lose the lottery and Santa's Little Helper is sick with a twisted stomach. After he survives his expensive surgery that they all had to make sacrifices for they become hostile towards him so he runs away and gets adopted by Mr Burns as a guard dog.

Plot[]

The news is on. It is the lottery.

“Mr Philbins, screw your crummy job! I don’t need to work for you because I won the lottery!” said a man to his boss.

“Well I don’t need to hire employees because I won the lottery too!” said the boss.

“I won the lottery too!” said his secretary.

“We all won the lottery!” said everyone in the office.

“Will you win the lottery? Note, not a hundred percent guaranteed. Gambling is not permitted to under 21 year olds. You may end up selling your soul to Gamblor.” said the announcer with a small print.

“Ah the lottery, exploiter of the poor and ignorant.” said Homer.

“Dad you know the jackpot is up to 1.30 million dollars this year.” said Bart.

“1.30 million dollars?! Did you say 1.30 million dollars?!” Homer got too close to Bart.

“Why yes! Now get out of my face Dad!” said Bart. “You stink!”

“Woohoo!” Homer went to buy lottery tickets.

...

At Apu’s shop everyone madly buys lottery tickets and knocks things over.

“Here’s your lottery tickets! Thank you for knocking over my inventory! Please come again.” said Apu.

“Hey look! That idiot bought hundreds of tickets and is carrying them in his wheel barrow!” Homer laughed. The wind blows all the man’s tickets away. He whined.

Homer laughed hysterically.

“Out the way! Coming through! Move it or lose it!” said Bart pushing through the grown ups buying lottery tickets.

“Bart don’t push in!” Homer told him off.

“What is going on here? My local squishee haunt is now a circus!” said Bart.

“It’s lottery season.” said Homer buying lottery tickets. He then rang up Marge.

”Hi sweetie! I’m doing the lottery. Let’s see... How old is Bart? Uh huh. And when’s his birthday? Yes I should know when his birthday is... just tell me... Oh really. Uh huh... And the mutant’s? Oh yeah they’re twins so it would be the same...” said Homer taking a phone call at Apu’s shop. “Bart! Stop that!” Bart was doing something he shouldn’t be doing with the ice cream machine. Laying under it and squirting the ice cream soft scoop straight into his mouth...

”Bart, when is Lisa’s birthday?” Homer asked him.

”I dunno...” said Bart.

”How can you not know your own sister’s birthday?!” Homer gasped.

”How can you not remember mine?!” Bart replied.

“Can I have an orderly queue of lottery ticket buyers and another of regular customers please...” said Apu wearily.

Snake bought a bulletproof vest and put it on. “Well, time for another bank run Apu, if I don’t make it. Promise you won’t sleep with my wife!”

“I promise nothing!” said Apu.

Bart’s eyelid twitched. “What the hell?!”

“Actual lines from the transcript!” said Oscar from offscreen.

“Yeah but still Snake and Apu are way out of character!” Bart replied.

...

Across Springfield other people are in the lottery fever. for example the school faculty.

"Think of the momey, the funds! why Edna we could have history books that actually explain how the Korean war turned out! A detention hall where all the children are held to their seats with magnets!"

"Here we go again! always with the magnets..." Miss Hoover sighed smoking a cigarette.

"And here's another out of character moment, readers... Skinner not being a tight fisted old Scrooge and actually being concerned about our out of date reading materials..." said Oscar.

It is the lottery and Homer has brought loads of tickets to win. Or at least he hopes he will win.

”Sweetie get all your money and...” said Homer to Marge.

”Homer I buy one lottery ticket with the girls at the salon a month... that’s enough excitement for me.” said Marge.

”Thou shall not gamble thy earnings!!” Oscar yelled.

”Oh yeah, I forgot I’m zealously paranoid in belief that God hates gamblong! Shame on you Homer you’ve damned us all!” Marge yelled.

”Where do I say, Do not gamble?!” God asked.

The Simpsons each imagine what they'll do with the money.

Homer day dreams himself as a giant made of gold.

”Good afternoon Lenny!” boomed giant golden Homer.

"Wow Homer! There's something different about you! Wait, let me guess, did you get a haircut?" Lenny asks when a giant golden Homer enters the cafeteria.

"Look closer Lenny!" Homer booms.

"Oh I know! You're the biggest man in the world now! And you're made of solid gold!" said Lenny.

"Eighteen carat gold!" said Homer proudly.

Homer then stomps into Mr Burns's office and is inexplicably bigger!

"Take a hike Mr Burns! I run things now!" Homer demanded.

"All hail king Homer!" Mr Burns is in awe of the giant golden Homer.

An even bigger golden Homer is now covered in jewels and laughing while dramatic music plays.

Homer's dream ends with everyone wondering why he's chuckling to himself.

”How about you kids, what would you do with the winnings?” Homer asked the kids.

”Bank it.” said Bart.

”Give it to the poor.” said Lisa.

”No! Those are boring! Try again!” Homer snapped.

Lisa sighed.

Lisa's is her class getting virtual reality helmets to learn by actually visiting important places in history, in the day dream her class visit Genghis Khan at one of his violent battles.

”Everyone put on your virtual reality helmets.” said Dream Miss Hoover.

Lisa did so.

"Hello Lisa! Today you'll kill who I kill! Eat who I eat!" said Gengis Khan.

Lisa's day dream ended with her shivering in disgust wandering why she imagined meeting Gengis Khan of all people.

"I know exactly what I'm gonna spend the money on!" said Bart. In his day dream he imagines he is attacking the school with giant robo ants! A giant robo ant brings out Principal Skinner and despite his protests.

“Bart please! Call off your giant robot ants! We’ll give you what you want! Just call them off!” Skinner cried.

Bart pulls a joystick and the robo ant slices Skinner in half with its jaws.

"Cooooool!" said Bart as his day dream ended.

Meanwhile at the police station.

”Chief, the lottery is starting.” said Eddie.

Wiggum is taking an emergency call. Will he break character too? “Um you have the wrong number, this is 9 1 uh... 2...” Nope! Sloppy and work shy as usual!

”Number 56. This is Number 23...” said Moe’s voice.

”Damn it! My secret club! Uh, this is the Beauty parlour sir! I really must insist you try again later!” Wiggum groaned that I know all about the Stonecutters... hehehehe...

Meanwhile on the Krusty the clown show.

”I’ll be back after this commercial break kids! Hooahahaha!” Krusty tells the kids in the audience. He then takes a phone call with Mel. “This will be our ticket out of here Mel.” He said to Sideshow Mel.

Sideshow Mel honked a circus horn.

The lottery results arrive but unfortunately they lose. Homer cries and rips up the tickets.

"If you were thirteen we would have been rich! But noooooo! You had to be ten!" Homer rants at Bart.

"Homer don't yell at him! It's just unfortunate that we lost! We should all be grateful we have each other!" Marge yells.

Meanwhile Kent upon realising the numbers are his cheers and spins in his chair before seriously but quickly reading the headlines and then abruptly announcing his retirement.

"The dog's dead..." said Grampa coming from the kitchen.

"Noooooo!" Bart cries tearing up.

However they find Santa's Little Helper is still very much alive but very sick.

"Abe, he's not dead. But he's very sick! We need to get him to a vet!" Marge explained.

“Oooooh! The old man must be off his rocker!” said Grampa ranting. “If Grampa says the dog is dead he must be alive!” said Grampa.

“He is alive, he’s wagging his tail!” said Lisa.

“Dogs do that long after they’re dead! I’ll get a shovel!” said Grampa.

“Abe you mustn’t say the pets are dead when they’re not! Look you’ve upset Bart!” Marge explained.

Bart was crying.

Meanwhile Skinner won second prize. However he just got a board eraser. He gets very angry and hostile towards the cameras interviewing him and the camera suddenly cuts out.

...

The Simpsons visit the vet who is also their dentist except this was before he got a Hannibal Lecter voice. He has just failed to revive a hamster and has thrown the dead hamster in the bin.

”Doctor, he’s gone...” said the nurse.

”I hate this part of the job.” said the vet before tossing the poor hamster in the bin.

He examines Santa's Little Helper and determines he has a twisted stomach that will require expensive surgery.

Homer faints.

He wakes up at home to his kids poking him.

Homer tries reading up on veterinary surgery.

"Homer you're not performing that surgery yourself!" Marge nagged.

Homer groaned.

”I demand you let him! It would be cool!” Oscar demanded being stupid.

”No Oz! If something bad happened to my dog!” Bart whined.

He has a family meeting to tell the kids the bad news that Santa's Little Helper can't have the surgery.

"No!" the kids cry.

"You're not letting our dog die!" Bart cries.

"I know you're upset boy..." Homer tries to comfort him.

"Damn right I'm upset!" Bart yells tearfully.

"Bart! Watch your language!" Marge yells. "Oh wait you're upset about Santa's Little Helper. Sorry about that..."

"Don't worry we'll get a new dog! One with an untwistable stomach!" Homer explained. Bart cried and ran off to his room.

While Marge went to comfort him Homer explained doggy heaven to Lisa. "Where there are eight Lassies! And that cartoon Don Bluth made was about Doggy heaven!"

Lisa rolls her eyes but humours him with questions. "Is there a doggy hell?"

"Why of course! You have to have a doggy hell to have a doggy heaven!" Homer explained.

"Who's there?" Lisa asked.

"Well... there's Hitler's dog, Chester. One of the Lassies... (Lisa gives him a funny look) You know, the mean one! The one that mauled Timmy!"

On the set of Lassie.

”Oh my god! Lassie attacked little Timmy!” The dad cried.

Marge explains to Bart she won't let Santa's Little Helper die. He is going to have his surgery. They'll just have to make some sacrifices.

“Awww! But Marge! I don’t have $750 dollars...” Homer groaned.

“Then ask Mr Burns.” said Marge.

Homer went to Mr Burns’s office one afternoon at work. Mr Burns was not happy to see him. Especially when he had the audacity to ask for a raise. He poised over the red button that summons Crusher and Lowbow.

Homer seemed reluctant to even bother today.

“No go on.” said Mr Burns insincere.

“Well my dog is very sick...” said Homer.

Mr Burns presses the button.

While Homer babbles on Crusher and Lowbow arrive and drag him away.

“Oh. Oh well at least I tried...” Homer sighed as he was dragged away.

“What is it with people and dogs?!” Mr Burns sighed.

“People like dogs sir! Even you do!” said Smithers.

“Nonsense! I like to see people ripped apart by dogs! Ugh! I don’t actually like any of my Doberman’s...” said Mr Burns. The hounds whine. “Dog’s are idiots! If I came to your house and sniffed your crotch and slobbered on your face, what would you do?!”

“If you did that sir?” Smithers asked. Eeeeeew!

“Exactly...” said Mr Burns.

Plot 2[]

At home.

“And if I came to your house and sniffed your crotch and slobbered on you, what would you?!” Teddy, Oscar’s living teddy bear asked Oscar.

“If you did that?” Oscar asked.

“Yes...” said Teddy.

“I’d love it! In fact that turns me on...” said Oscar aroused by the thought of Teddy sniffing him with his big wet shiny black nose.

“Eeeeeew!” Teddy groaned.

...

However Homer's not happy because it involves giving up beer. Maggie has to wear cheap clothes that tear easily. Bart has to go to a cheap barbers, actually a barber college, and gets a ridiculous haircut after the barber accidentally shaves off all his hair except for a few spikes.

“Oops!” said the student barber. Oh and it’s the same barber college Clownja attended. I have no idea how a jack in a box clown creature with no arms or hands cuts hair...

The family laughs at Bart when they see his bad haircut.

”And Bart, you’ll have to give up your guitar lessons.” said Marge.

”No way!” Bart whined.

”Sweetie this is for your dog...” said Marge.

”I know...” Bart sighed,

Given that Lisa snaps at the dog when they bring him home healthy, she must have had to sacrifice something she didn’t want to. Probably something to do with her saxophone or her Corey magazines...

”Actually it was my weekly Encyclopedia. This week was gonna be Copernicus to Encephalitis.” said Lisa.

”That sounds like something the Attic Monster would be interested in and why is this episode copying my real life?!” Oscar ranted. “My dog twists her stomach and needs surgery! I have to stop collecting my Wallace and Gromit Techno Quest Encyclopedias!”

Lisa winced.

Marge then mentioned the money saving meals they would be having.

”Fried chicken night is now organ meat night.”

”Noooooooo! Mah fried chickeeeeeen!” Oscar screamed.

”Oz please... Ham night is now Spam night...” said Marge.

”I DON’T LIKE SPAM!!” Oscar suddenly in drag screamed.

Vikings bursted in singing “Spam spam spam spaaaaaaaaaaam! Spammity spam! Wonderful spam!”

”No Oz! No flipping Monty Python! It burns!” Bart groaned.

”Anyway where was I... Oh yeah. And Porkchop night is now Chub night.”

”I have no idea what that is...” said Homer.

”Isn’t that that race of underground lizard people?!” Oscar yelled.

”No that’s C.H.U.Ds...” said Lisa. “A chub is a kind of fish.”

“Mmmmmmmmm.... Chub...” said an eerie voice from the air vent.

”Get out of there!” Homer yelled at the air vent.

Eventually Santa's Little Helper gets his surgery. However he nearly dies! But despite God encouraging him to go into the light he has second thoughts and comes back to life when the vet gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

The vet gives them the news. "You're dog... is fine and healthy!" Santa's Little Helper runs out barking happily.

"Yaaaaay!" The Simpsons cheer and hug their dog.

”It’s times like this, I’m glad I flunked Dental school...” said the vet. He’s the dentis who, Lisa sees in Lisa Needs Braces.

However living cheaply to pay for the surgery annoys them.

”Lousy Chub night... How comes the dog gets to eat meat?! I want what the dog is having...” said Homer.

”Homer you don’t want that... it’s just snouts and entrails...” said Marge.

”Mmmmmmmm! Snouts...” said Homer.

”Mmmmmmm! (Baby babbling.)” Maggie babbled. She has a thing for wanting the dog food this season, all they threw to when Herb returns...

”Oz what are you putting in the air vent?!” Marge asked. “Sit down.”

”The monster in there is hungry...” said Oscar.

”Don’t feed the monster! It doesn’t deserve food!” Homer snapped.

”Honer there’s no such thing as monsters!” Marge said sharply.

”More Chub please.” said the voice from the air vent.

Marge sighed. “We’ll see about that later...” she said to the air vent. There’s clearly a boy that resembles Bart in there.

Then while watching Kent enjoy retirement.

”There’s one thing he can’t buy...” Homer said bitterly.

”What’s that?” Marge asked.

”A dinosaur.” said Homer.

Oscar was on the lounge phone.

”Professor John Hammond? Yes I’d like to purchase a Triceratops... What do you mean they’re not for sale? I’ll give you dial tone!!”

“Oz that’s a movie... It’s not real! No one has brought back the dinosaurs...” Bart groaned.

...

Meanwhile Apu did not listen to Snake Jailbird and and had a romantic night in the back room of the Kwik E-Mart with Snake’s wife, Gloria. Well she later has a bizarre fling with Mr Burns so why not?

”Oh! Three lottery tickets for the price of two! Mmmmmm scratch and win!” Apu sighed in the throes of sex.

And Ned was concerned about Mother Earth but because he is a staunch Christian this stopped any sort of friendship development between him and Lisa the scientist. Plus her turn to Buddhism didn’t help...

And the following dogs were in doggy Hell. Hitler’s dog, Nixon’s dog Chester, no wait, Checkers, thanks Lisa. And the one Lassie that mauled Timmy. Doggy Hell has Satan using a very loud vacuum cleaner to scare the dogs.

”You monster!” Brian Griffin yelled.

Then, this... “Sir your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.” said a guy on TV.

”Ah Ted Kennedy, tho one Kennedy brother no one assassinated/shot...” said Oscar.

“I knew we forgot something!” said shady confederate assassins with guns that are part of some conspiracy to kill all the Kennedys and bring back slavery.

The Simpsons winced.

...

They eventually start to snap at the dog blaming him for making their lives miserable. That night Homer forgets to lock the gate and there is an amusing chain of Homer asking Bart then Bart asking Lisa then Lisa asking Maggie to get up and close the back gate. Santa's Little Helper gets out!

...

The next morning the family find he has gone and are upset, especially Bart.

”Santa’s little helper! Santa’s little Helper...” Bart cries on the front lawn in his pyjamas hoping the dog will respond.

”I’m sorry Bart, but he’s gone...” said Lisa.

"It's all my fault! I was mean to him and now he's gone!" Bart cries.

Meanwhile Santa's Little Helper turns up at Mr Burns's.

"Get that stupid dog off my property Smithers!" Mr Burns demands.

"But people like dogs sir!" Smithers replied.

"Nonsense! Dogs are idiots!" said Mr Burns. "Would you like it if I came to your house and sniffed you and slobbered on your crotch?"

"If you did that Sir?" Smithers asked.

"Whatever... I might have a use for this rapscallion! Take him to be reprogrammed..."

Santa's Little Helper is subjected to videos of dogs being mistreated and teased by Mr Burns. Eventually he snapped and mauled Mr Burns who was wearing a protective suit.

"Excellent!" said Mr Burns.

Meanwhile Bart goes about town trying to find Santa's Little Helper while Homer puts up posters. Bart asks people but they can't help him. He even asks the newly rich Kent Brockman who is also tanned! However Kent thinks he's another fan wanting something from him just because he's rich and rudely sends Bart away.

Bart finds Santa's Little Helper at Mr Burns. He remembers the time he went there on thanksgiving to get a pie and was chased out by his hounds. This time he knocks politely.

Smithers answers. Bart asks for his dog back.

Smithers speaks to Mr Burns in his glass tank he is in for some reason.

"Release the hounds!" said Mr Burns.

The hounds are set on Bart lead by Santa's Little Helper.

"Here boy! It's me!" Bart tries to call his dog but it won't listen and acts aggressive towards him. Bart screams and runs away.

However this time he can't get out because he's trapped. He is surrounded by dogs.

Mr Burns notices an old fat hound isn't very healthy.

"What's wrong with Balthazar?" Mr. Burns asks.

"He's getting old sir." said Smithers.

"Ah, I remember when he bit his first hippie... that dude didn't think it was groovy!" said Mr Burns laughing.

Santa's Little Helper gets the first mauling but Bart begs him to recognise him.

"I love you boy!" Bart cries.

Santa's Little Helper remembers all the loving memories of his owner Bart. His programming is broken and he snarls at Mr Burns's hounds and scares them off.

He then playfully leaps on Bart and licks him. "I knew you missed me pal!" Bart giggles.

Mr Burns is angry. "I don't get it!"

"Mr Burns you can't train a dog to guard through hate and threats! Only through love!" said Oscar. He has a German shepherd on a leash.

"I didn't know you had a dog Oscar?" Bart asks.

"Yeah she might look intimidating but she's really cute!" Oscar cuddles his dog. She squeals happily.

"Attack them!" Mr Burns orders his hounds but they're scared of Bart and Oscar's dogs.

Bart returns home with Santa's Little Helper and they apologise for being horrible to him and spoil him.

The end!

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