Bored of the Onion Rings Marge is baking onion rings for a Texan night but one of them is a magic, evil onion ring that causes painful burns and causes Homer to act like Gollum. They go to Texas to throw it away in Mount Kaliante. A volcano full of the hottest hot sauce known to man and make many friends along the way such as Cookie, an old timey Mississippi gold miner and Cleanie, a man who acts like Gollum.
It's Texan night at the Simpsons. Marge is cooking the onion rings. However as she leaves them to cook to prepare something else, one of them glows with a golden glow.
“Texan night! Yeehaw!” Bart enthusiastic cheered like a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat.
“Ugh... he’s been like that ever since he met Buck McCoy...” Oscar groaned.
“Boy sit down. Your enthusiasm for all things Texas is annoying Oz.” said Homer.
“Dad he’s just being a sourpuss.” said Bart. “Well Oz, what about your enthusiasm for pirates?”
“Pirates are cooler than cowboys!” said Oscar.
“Boys! Clam it and sit down. Besides everyone knows ninjas kick pirate and cowboy ass.” said Homer.
"Dinner's ready!" said Marge and the Simpsons rushed to the table. Bart got the mysterious golden onion ring along with some normal ones. He bites the golden onion ring but hurts his tooth on it.
"Ow! This onion ring is made of solid gold!" said Bart.
The Simpsons examined it.
"So it is!" said Lisa. "Eighteen carat gold!"
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered. "I've always wanted to be gigantic and made of solid gold..." Homer day dreamed of himself as a giant made of eighteen carat gold turning up at the plant one day.
"Hey Homer!" said Lenny.
"Notice anything different Lenny?" Homer asked smugly.
"Um, you've had a haircut?" Lenny asked.
"Look closer, Lenny." Homer bent down and stared at the tiny Lenny.
"I got it! You're the biggest man in the world now! And you're made of solid gold!" said Lenny.
"Eighteen carat gold!" said Homer confidently.
He then went to Mr Burns's office.
"Take a hike Burns! I run this plant now!" said giant golden Homer.
"All hail king Homer!" said Mr Burns in awe of giant golden Homer.
Giant Golden Homer was now even bigger and now covered in jewels! He laughed evilly while dramatic music played.
The day dream ended with Homer chuckling to himself at dinner.
"He must be having that dream about him being a giant made of gold again..." Marge sighed.
After dinner they examined the onion ring. Homer decided to put it on like a ring.
"You know, your dad proposed to me with an onion ring when he was working at Gulp N Blow." said Marge.
“The real ring was in a turtle...” Homer groaned.
However the golden onion ring made Homer possessive over it and paranoid that his family wanted to take it. He became aggressive. "No! It's mine! My precious!" Homer started to sound like Gollum.
"That onion ring is having some sort of effect on Dad!" said Lisa.
"Oh no!" said Marge.
The ring then burned Homer and glowed red. He screamed and threw it off. "Okay, I'm good now..." he sighed after throwing it off.
They try various ways of breaking it but it wouldn't work.
"This ring is unbreakable!" said Lisa.
"Ho boy... Where have we heard that before..." Bart sighed.
The camera panned over to Oscar who was reading The Lord of the Rings.
The Simpsons went to the only person they could possibly think would help them. Their friend Buck McCoy. They left their home of one of several Springfields in east USA and headed south west to Texas across several states. If their Springfield was Springfield, Missouri. They wouldn't have far to go. On the other hand if their Springfield was Springfield, Massachusetts or Springfield, Virginia they would have quite far! Let's just say it took a day or two.
Eventually they arrived in Texas. They went by car, with the kids annoying Homer constantly with their "Are we there yet?" repetition over and over until he screamed at them to shut up.
"Are we there yet?" Bart and Hugo asked.
Homer snapped and strangled them, causing his car to swerve off road and crash. They had to be towed the rest of the way through Texas to Buck's town.
They took the ring to Buck McCoy. He gasped when he saw it.
"This onion ring carries a terrible curse! It drives men into a murderous possessive rage, lusting over the ring's power!" Buck explained.
In the background Homer was acting like Gollum again and stroking the ring. “My precious! We will not let them take you my precious!”
"You must take it to Mount Kaliante, a Mexican chilli restaurant with an actual live volcano full of the hottest hot sauce known to man! That's the only way to destroy it!"
"Hotter than Guatemalan insanity peppers?" Homer asked.
"Perhaps. I ain't heard of such things." said Buck.
"You should come to Springfield's next chilli cook off then! They're Chief Wiggum's secret ingredient in his chilli!" said Homer.
"Well, now it ain't a secret no more!" said Buck.
"Anyhoo, I will be your guide for this dangerous quest. Who knows what lies in wait for us?" said Buck. "Plus I kinda miss you guys. How's things? Anything that'll interest an ol cattle rustler?"
"We once accidentally brought Billy the Kid back from the dead..." said Bart.
"Ahhhh. Ol Billy the Kid.... As a real live cowboy I know all the ol gunslingers.... From Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid to the gunfight at Ok Corral!" said Buck as he reminisced.
"Cooool! Tell us more!" said Bart. Oscar rolled his eyes at Bart's childish enthusiasm for cowboys and gunslingers.
"Oh there'll be plenty of time for stories on our adventure. We start a daybreak tomorrow so you can all stay over tonight." said Buck.
"Woohoo!" the Simpsons cheered.
"That ain't no cowboy cheer of enthusiasm!" said Buck. "It's Yeehaaaaw! Now repeat after me!"
"Yeehaaaaaw!" The Simpsons and Oscar cheered.
The next morning Buck hired some horses for them. They needed to go to Mississippi River. When they arrived they met Cookie, an old gold panner.
"Gold! Goooold!" He would often cheer.
"That is so cliched..." Bart sighed at idea of the old gold panner.
Cookie offered them lunch.
"That was a lovely lunch Cookie but who will clean up?" Marge asked.
"Oh Cleanie will do that." said Cookie. An elderly man crawled out of Cookie's trailer muttering like Gollum and carrying a sack. He cleaned up everything into his sack and muttered, "my precious!" before scurrying away. The Simpsons were unnerved by him.
Oscar giggled. "Hehehe! Gollum!"
Cookie joined them on their quest.
They rode in his wagon with Cleanie to Oregon. Lisa was playing Oregon trail
On the screen a message said. “Mary died of dysentery.”
“Aw nuts! My last traveller died...” Lisa sighed.
The wagon broke down.
“This is where we ride on horseback. Some of ya might be lost to dysentery.” said Cookie.
The Simpsons sighed.
“Don’t listen to him kids...” Marge sighed.
They passed through a desert full of saguaro cacti. The heat got to them and they started seeing mirages. Oscar saw the cacti dancing like they were from a Wagon Wheels biscuit advert. He shot the cacti.
"Oscar stop shooting the cacti! They're endangered!" Lisa told him off.
"Also that's kinda illegal in Arizona, Oz..." Bart added.
"Stupid singing cacti..." Oscar groaned delirious from the heat.
Eventually the horses died so they had to walk. Eventually the kids got tired and had to be carried. Homer carried Bart and Hugo. Marge carried Lisa with Maggie in a baby sling.
However they finally found an oasis.
"Wait, it could be a mirage!" Lisa struggled to explain from exhaustion.
However Homer ran into it and it was real. The family dragged themselves over to where they saw him bathing in the oasis. It was real. Thankfully.
After everyone rehydrated themselves they rested and engaged in conversation. Which was more of Buck McCoy and Bart talking about old dead gunslingers like Billy the Kid.
Eventually they arrived at an oil farm in Oregon. Unfortunately it belonged to Rich Texan.
“Who goes there?! Here to steal my oil or rustle my cattle are ya?” Rich Texan pointed his guns at them.
“No just some weary travellers in need of a place to rest and fresh horses.” said Buck McCoy.
“The only thing getting rustled around here is my jimmies. Because of this gorilla cereal.” said Oscar holding a box of Gorilla Munch cereal.
Everyone face palmed.
“Oh okay. But stay away from old Bessie!” said Rich Texan.
In Rich Texan’s mansion they passed a dairy cow they assumed was old Bessie. Then in the drawing room the Simpsons and their cowboy and gold prospector friends were introduced to Rich Texan’s gay grandson Avery Texan. He was only ten years old but he already decided he was gay as he made bedroom eyes at Bart, Oscar and Hugo. The former two recoiled in disgust at his camp remarks of “Ooooooh! You’re the only one for me darling!” And. “Let’s climb a mountain. A Brokeback Mountain...”
“Okay that’s enough Avery...” Rich Texan sighed.
“I can tell we’re gonna get along just fine...” Hugo smirked at Avery Texan.
They then moved onto their next destination, across the border between Texas and Mexico. This meant more desert. And going through Moria... (Death Valley is Moria.)
During the trip Oscar sung "I rode a horse with no name" while playing his guitar. Unfortunately his singing annoyed everyone and they threatened to break his guitar if he didn't shut up.
Oscar put it away and pouted.
As they passed through Death Valley they saw buffalo up ahead. Oscar stopped to spy on them.
“Those are some odd buffalo. They look more like Banthas from Star Wars. I even see some Sand People...” said Oscar. Suddenly something obscures his binoculars.
A Tusken raider shrieks at them and attacks!
“Hrrrrrrkkkkrrrrr! Ohrrrrrrorrrhh!” was a rough translation of the Tusken Raider’s screams as he tried to hit Oscar with his gaffi stick. Suddenly a Krayte dragon is heard. A mysterious cloaked figure is on the horizon. Along with a cartoon beaver.
“I’m a beaver on the horizon!” said the cartoon beaver.
The Tusken Raider fled in terror at the sound of a Krayte dragon.
Eventually they reached and crossed the border. They were greeted by Mexicans who offered them somewhere to stay.
They ask the Mexicans for advice getting rid of the golden onion ring, but they won't help.
"Sorry Amarillo gringoes. We don't want anything to do with any rings, not after that creepy ghost girl from the town well started killing everyone after they watched a cursed videotape..." Explained the head Mexican who took them in.
Oscar gave Bart a smug look and Bart rolled his eyes.
The Simpsons and their friends continued to Mount Kaliante when a group of Mexican horse men asked to join them, having second thoughts of not helping the Simpsons. They climbed up the active volcano. The air soon burnt their noses and stung their eyes.
"Ow! That's some spicy hot sauce! Even the air is spicy!" said Bart.
“Incapacitating... eeeerrrr...” said Homer looking like he tried some of Marge’s pepper spray again.
“My eyes! The goggles do nothing!” Oscar cried with sore eyes from the spicy vapours.
“Maybe you should try wearing your goggles on your eyes then and not as a fashion accessory..” said Bart.
Oscar pulled his green goggles over his eyes. “Ah, much better...”
They over looked the crater full of red hot sauce. It almost looked like molten lava.
"Well, here goes nothing!" said Homer as he threw the ring in. It landed in the hot sauce and melted. However this set off the volcano.
"Oh no!" said Marge. They ran back down the mountain as fast as they could with the lava hot sauce not far behind.