Bartzan or Bartzan and the legendary city of gold. Bart is acting up at home insisting he is Bartzan lord of the apes. So Lisa reads him a story about a young jungle boy by that name who rescues a young girl from bandits after directions to the legendary city of gold.
At home Bart is causing a pandemonium by running about yelling "Beware! Bartzan, lord of the apes is coming!" While wearing a loincloth.
The cat screeched as he scared her.
Hugo winced as he was startled from a book he was reading.
"Bart calm down and put your clothes back on!" Marge scolded him.
Oscar had swooned and fainted with a nosebleed and looked sexually aroused.
”Boy have you been eating sugar again?!” Homer asked.
"I'll find something to calm him down, Mom." Lisa explained. She decided to read him a book.
"Bleh! Book is boring! Bad book!" said Bart in childish manner.
”Yes Bart, baby hate books...” Oscar mocked him.
Bart made a rude face at him.
"You'll like this one Bart. It's about a primitive jungle boy very much like you..." said Lisa.
She told him the story of Tarzan but made adaptations so that he was called Bartzan, and resembled Bart.
There was also added Phil Collins and damn dirty apes!
”No author...” Lisa groaned.
Well there was.
The Simpson kids sighed as they went upstairs.
Homer was calling Lenny about them doing a lad’s weekend together.
”Oh come on!”
”Oh come on!”
One day in the jungle Bartzan is swinging about from vines with his friend Mr Teeny.
He was observing the jungle/rainforest with sharp eyes. Probably because of all of the predatory animals.
Donnie Thornberry was blissfully unaware of his surroundings as he did a sort of dance that involved twerking and had a beetle up his nose.
”Oz why is Donnie there...” Bart outside the story asked.
”Just is...” said Oscar.
Bartzan was raised by apes. Kinda like the source material Tarzan. However amusingly only after he was left behind from a pack of hyenas that adopted him first. Obviously he annoyed them somehow.
Suddenly he suddenly hears a girl scream for help.
Janey as a rich daughter of an explorer is being threatened by Jimbo and his gang as bandits.
”Ugh! Mr Teeny... a dumb girl needs helping. Bartzan must save her...” Bartzan groaned as he swung on a vine.
Mr Teeny squeaked and chattered.
Whatever he was jabbering about it was apparently about how he loves bananas. Their taste and texture was pleasing to him.
The pirates catch Janey.
They demand to know the secret location of an ancient city of gold.
”Give us the map, girlie!” said Nelson.
”Never!” said Janey.
Bartzan couldn't care less for the girl's well being. Rescuing wasn't his thing. However when the bandits mentioned the city of gold he stepped in.
"Stay away from the forbidden city! It is cursed!" Bartzan warned them.
Mr Teeny squeaked and chattered. Apparently he was trying to convey he was hungry and was asking if anyone had any food.
"Oh look! A primitive jungle boy! Let's whale on him!" Jimbo suggested.
However Bartzan was too fast and illusive. He even managed to escape with young girl.
"He's got that dorky explorer girl! She has the map!" said Jimbo.
"Oh well, we'll just find her father then..." said Kearney.
Janey was grateful of Bartzan rescuing her.
However Bartzan didn't consider it a kind gesture, he was just protective of the city of gold for some reason.
"We walk across these rocks, they not problem for you shoe girl, but they hurt Bartzan's feet. This way leads to sea, then you never set foot in Bartzan's jungles ever again!" Bartzan explained.
"But what about my father? He's still missing! And what if I don't want to walk across those rocks. What if I want to walk across those ones..." Janey argued.
She went another way against Bartzan's instructions and he grimaced as we hear some wet squelches.
"Those aren't rocks! Those are elephant dung!" Bartzan explained laughing hysterically.
Janey eventually agreed to follow Bartzan's directions after he rescued her from a venomous snake.
However he didn't want to be anywhere near her because her shoes stank of elephant dung.
"Foot stink girl talk too much!" Bartzan said to Mr Teeny.
Mr Teeny chattered and squeaked about wanting some bananas.
”Then there were green shiny nosed monkey bear things and they sniffed Bartzan!” Oscar yelled demented.
”No Oz...” Lisa groaned.
”How about a clown with no head!” Oscar suggested.
”No Oz....” said Lisa.
”Pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger!” Oscar yelled.
”No!” Bart and Lisa yelled.
However they bumped into the bandits again.
"There you are! Hand over the map and no one gets hurt!" Jimbo explained.
"Actually we were planning to hurt them anyway, Jimbo!" said Dolph.
"Guys I'm trying to negotiate!" Jimbo replied.
”Jungle belong to Bartzan. Leave now...” said Bartzan.
The pirates shot at him but missed.
”(I do not understand! Why are we not looking for food?)” asked Mr Teeny frighted. However whatever he said was not understood because it was in chimp chatter.
The pirates cornered Bartzan and Janey.
”Nowhere to run, jungle boy!” said the pirates.
"Look out! A jaguar!" Bartzan warned. A jaguar attacked. The distraction allowed him and Janey and Mr Teeny to escape.
They escaped as Bartzan swung about.
”Who are you?” Janey asked.
”I am Bartzan. Lord of the jungle. Fighter of lions... (“Lions don’t live in the jungle doofus...” - Hugo.) Fine... fighter of jaguars. Eater of many grub.” said Bartzan.
Mr Teeny whined that it was cruel of him to talk about tasty grubs when he was so hungry.
They swung through the vines but Janey wriggled in panic.
"Foot stink girl stop wriggling!" Bartzan warned her. She slipped from his arms
"I have a naaaaaaaame!" yelled Janey as she fell. Then Mr Teeny fell on Bartzan's head.
"Oof! Monkey butt!" said Bartzan before being knocked out.
Janey woke up to some familiar figures looking down at her. However there was something different about them. Namely they were gorillas!
Janey screamed at the gorilla Simpsons. (Bart giggled) the gorilla Simpsons disliked her screaming. Lisa gorilla tried to calm her down.
Oscar came in writing a scroll with a quill. Upon seeing the gorilla Simpsons... “Damn dirty apes!! Heston you maniac!!”
”Oz no....” Bart outside the story groaned.
Bartzan came in to the commotion while drinking a coconut with a straw.
"Foot stink girl stop screaming! Gorillas not like that sound!" Bartzan explained.
"Ugh were am I?" Janey asked.
"This is Bartzan's home! And this is Bartzan's gorilla family! They raised me from when I was a baby!" said Bartzan.
Lisa gorilla made a remark about him in ape sounds.
Then it was Janey's turn to explain things.
Everyone sat and listened intently apart from Oscar going on about Damn dirty apes...
She was on an excursion with her father and those bandits, who were originally supposed to be hired muscle to find the legendary city of gold, but the bandits got greedy and turned on them. Janey's father then went missing.
"For all I know he could be dead..." Janey sighed.
Bart ranted about greedy foolish explorers, always trying to find the lost city of gold.
However he decided he would be her guide there, as he had a hunch her father was a lot more resilient then they thought.
He traveled by vines again despite his mother explaining in ape sounds that she was making a banana casserole.
His father went “D’oh!”
Bartzan and Janey walked about the jungle where um they just walked and walked and uh got to know each other. Anyway in the Disney movie the ape man and posh lady fall in love....
But Bartzan did not like mushiness. He disliked Janey and was only protecting her because he wanted the pirates or bandits out of his jungle.
Oscar was bored and wanted some sort of jungle hazard.
”Like green shiny nosed bear monkey things...”
”No Oscar.” said Lisa.
”Quicksand!” Oscar demanded.
”No!” said Bart.
”A cartoon slime monster...”
Bart groaned annoyed.
”Well okay, they got to a waterfall. They were observing its natural beauty when those pirates caught up.” said Lisa.
”Well that’s something.” said Oscar.
”Found em!” said Nelson.
”Nowhere to run! Now hand over the map!” said Jimbo.
”Eat loincloth!” Bartzan yelled and grabbed Janey and he leapt off the cliff with Mr Teeny.
During the fall Janey was queasy and was sick...
They all landed with a splash.
”Oh great! I’m not only hungry but wet!” Mr Teeny yelled in chimp sounds.
Janey was yelling.
”Foot stink girl loud!” Bartzan groaned.
Up on the cliff.
”You think they’re dead?!” Jimbo asked.
”We’re gonna have to assume they survived somehow. We need that map!” said Dolph.
Bart had to return home to let Mr Teeny have a bath. Because apparently Janey puked on him. Eeeeeew!
”Yeah sorry about barfing on your chimp...” said Janey.
Bartzan was going on about how foolish he found greedy explorers.
”Please tell that girl not to ever barf on me again...” said Mr Teeny in chimp sounds.
”We better find my father before it gets dark.” said Janey.
”Then we get going.” said Bartzan but his mother, a Marge gorilla stopped him, holding his arm.
They converse in gorilla grunts.
Whatever was said, Bartzan was embarrassed and reluctantly obeyed.
Bartzan laid on the mat in the middle of the treehouse as the Marge resembling gorilla was folding up a diaper on him and was taping it up.
”Uh what the hell?!” Bart outside the story frowned.
The gorillas then had dinner. Banana casserole and grubs. Bartzan in a diaper sat down for dinner.
Janey figures the gorillas had a point. The jungle would certainly be far more dangerous at night, not to mention far too dark to navigate.
Grampa bores everyone with dumb stories.
Lisa as a gorilla played a saxophone.
Bartzan explained to Janey about the curse of the golden city.
”Angry lion gods watch over forbidden city.”
Soon it was his bed time.
As Bartzan laid in his nest he peed his diaper.
”Enough Oz!” Bart whined.
”Never!” said Oscar.
They walked through the jungle again.
“We walk across these rocks.” said Bartzan.
However once again Janey wouldn’t listen and walked in elephant dung.
Bartzan winced as he heard wet squelching from Janey walking across mounds of wet slimy elephant dung.
They arrived at the lost city of gold to find Janey's father, played in this story by Hans Moleman.
"Father!" said Janey. He was being terrorised by lionesses as he dangled from a vine.
"Oh dear! I knew I shouldn't haven't kept these fish in my hat..." said Moleman.
"You have to save him!" said Janey.
"Uh foot stink girl... do you not see angry lions?!" Bartzan protested. However she insisted.
Bartzan sighed. He took Moleman's hat and threw it. "Why your hat stink of fish?! Here lions! Have it!"
While the lionesses ate the hat Bartzan took Moleman to safety.
However the reunion was short lived as Jimbo and his gang arrived.
"Well, looks like you've led us straight to the city of gold! We'll be taking all our gold now! And your treasure map! Hahahaha!" Jimbo took the treasure map and headed up the steps decorated with a fearsome lion's head and paws as the temple entrance. The mouth was the way in.
"Fine... But don't say Bartzan didn't warn you..." Bartzan sighed.
As the Bandits climbed the steps to the city there was an earthquake.
"Earthquake?!" Jimbo asked.
But it wasn't an earthquake. A large amount of liquid gold poured out of the temple entrance and all over them.
They were solidified into statues of solid gold.
"Those greedy bandits got their gold alright! All of it on their heads!" said Bartzan cryptically explaining that was the curse, or some sort of booby trap.
"So there was a curse after all!" said Moleman.
Bartzan then guided them back to the coast where a ship was awaiting to take them home.
"Bartzan leave you now fish hat and foot stink girl!" Bartzan explained, not a fan of heartfelt goodbyes.
Janey figured that he seemed so fond of her shoes that had elephant dung on them that he could have them as a gift.
"Eeeew! Bartzan have no need for stinky girly shoes! Bartzan needs no one!" Bartzan swung away into the jungle.
Back in reality.
"That story sucked. Why am I a primitive jungle boy in it?!" Bart groaned.
"I figured you'd like that story Bart." said Lisa.
"It was cool but Bartzan doesn't rescue girls! They have cooties!" Bart explained.
"Fine... this story doesn't have any girls in it..." Lisa sighed.
Bartzan. The legend of Bartzan.
This story told the history of Bartzan.
One day in a treehouse a baby yellow boy was lying in a crib crying. Probably because he had a stinky diaper.
A family of gorillas arrived. The Homer gorilla sniffed the baby boy who was curious of the gorillas, and the gorilla male gagged in disgust.
The baby giggled.
The Marge gorilla hoisted him up into the air to get a look at him by holding him by the back of his diaper. Bartzan wriggled about. The mother gorilla was curious about him and he was curious about the gorillas. They then decided to adopt him.
Meanwhile Oscar in this story was adopted by Teddy and his family. However Teddy just decided to sniff Oscar’s diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Oscar blushed and there was constant shenanigans ie Oscar honking Teddy’s nose, Oscar pulling Teddy’s boogers....
Later they somehow got ahold of clean diapers and changed him. However Bartzan preferred to be naked and ripped of his diaper.
However as he ran about the jungle naked some green monkey creatures with big green shiny noses captured him and held him as a pair of them put a diaper on him, sticking the tabs down tight.
Then a fat one of the strange creatures started sniffing the front of his diaper with its big green shiny wet nose. Baby Bartzan grimaced as it sniffed him. Mostly because he was uncomfortable being sniffed and because he had wet himself.
Why are there green monkey things with big shiny round noses? What ever that is..." Bart rolled his eyes.
"Oscar has decided to hijack the story..." Lisa sighed.
"Well don't let him!" Bart groaned.
Oscar laughed hysterically.
"I'm just livening it up..." Oscar replied. "Anyway the shiny green noses is because they have big round shiny noses like the curious bear cub. They're cartoony looking."
Bart sighed as Oscar made the story increasingly demented and Baby Bartzan pouted as he was still pinned to the tree being sniffed by cartoon green monkey things with big green shiny round noses.
The weird creatures Oscar added to the story were doing all sorts of strange stuff that was a form of torment for baby Bartzan. Such as sniffing his diaper which he found very intrusive and sniffing his hair, picking lice from his hair and sitting on him and smooshing their noses into his face.
Bartzan grimaced as a green monkey thing's wet shiny nose pressed against his own nose. It's nose felt wet and slimy like a dog's. He imagined these weird creatures relied heavily on their sense of smell to find things such as food.
He had no idea why they were doing this what he could only describe as some form of torture to him, was this amusing to them?
Bartzan gurgled in protest as one of the green monkey creatures was sniffing his diaper again.
"Ok enough now! Can we move the plot along?!" Bart yelled.
“Kallae kistnae...” Oscar rasped.
The green monkey bear things with big wet shiny green noses took turns sniffing his diaper.
Bartzan annoyed honked and squeezed the green furry creature’s nose. It squeaked like a toy.
The green monkey bear thing rubbed his saw nose as his companions sniffed Bartzan’z diaper.
Lisa gorilla managed to shoo the creatures away from Bartzan. She took him back to the nest.
Bartzan got used to being raised as a gorilla. Despite him having some problems adapting to climbing up trees he excelled at swinging from vines, except for that one time he slammed into a tree. He also could swim, something the gorillas couldn't do.
"Also the story sucked because the author wanted to get straight to when Tarzan was an adult so he could meet Jane..." Oscar interrupted.
"Oscar stop interrupting! And besides that's how the story went, there wasn't much story as he grew up except him befriending young animals and avenging his human parents." Lisa sighed.
"Yeah, if you had things you're way Oz, it would just be the endless adventures of baby Bartzan where green monkey things do weird stuff to him!" Bart ranted.
Lisa sighed and continued narrating.
Anyway Bartzan slowly grew up until he was a young child, about your age Bart. During that time he befriended a young monkey quite similar to Mr Teeny.
Mr Teeny screeched and swung about in the trees.
"And an elephant calf, like in the Disney version!" Oscar insisted.
"Now that actually wouldn't be such a bad idea Oz! It could be played by Stampy!" said Bart.
"And an elephant calf that looked and acted like Stampy." said Lisa as she narrated.
Bartzan was hanging about near a watering hole where elephants were drinking when his elephant friend kept grabbing small animals such as bandicoots and stuffing them in his mouth to suck on as a pacifier. Bartzan sighed as he tried to get his elephant friend to let go of the bandicoot.
However their story would have to continue some other time as Marge called them down for lunch.
This also left time for a sub plot.
”Homer can you tidy up the garage? Anything you’re uh... hoarding just put it back in the attic...” said Marge.
”Yes dear...” said Homer.
”And fix the hole in the roof. Before we get rain.” said Marge.
”I have a plan...’ said Homer.
”No enslaving the pets...” said Marge.
He got out his tools. Apparently he felt the job of repairing the roof needed a flamethrower.
Then he went out to the yard.
A periscope was peaking out of the hole in the roof and watching him.
”Freak get outta there!” Homer yelled.
Homer then tossed a large sack.it got stuck in the hole in the roof. Making it worse.
Homer was on the roof.
”Why you little!” He pulled out the sack. Dislodging more debris. Some fell on Hugo who was in the attic. Hugo frowned.
Hugo muttered as debris fell.
Homer then lazily nailed boards over the hole. He used a nail gun.
”The Skull Piercer 9000 Nail-o matic.” Homer describes the model of the nail gun. Oh dear....
”IT’S OVER 9000!!” Vegeta yelled.
”What 9000?! There’s no way that can be right!” said Nappa.
”Even outside our story Oscar being stupid...” Bart sighed as Lisa told him the story of Tarzan but about Bartzan.
The nail gun fired rapidly causing mayhem.
Homer then fell in a hole made by his shenanigans and got stuck.
”Oh monkey butt! Maybe if I brace myself...”
The hole collapsed and he fell in the attic.
“Quiet freak!” Homer climbed out of the roof.
He then nailed in a plank across the length of the attic and touching the chimney breast.
Hugo is looking up at the plank.
However Homer broke the chimney top off.
Homer attempting to remedy the roof in anger with a sledgehammer resulted in the Simpsons house being without w roof.
Homer and Lisa are looking up at the house with the entire attic exposed. Hugo is sat on the attic floor staring down at them.