Bartman Returns is an episode of my fanon. The Simpsons go shopping at the mall and Bart gets a utility belt from Comic Book Guy. However Jimbo beats him up and steals it. Then Homer takes up boxing because he can take punches. But he faces Drederick Tatum in the finals. And Drederick Tatum turns out to be insane...
The chalkboard gag is “I am not my evil twin brother.”
“Yes you are Hugo.” said Oscar.
Hugo laughed insanely and chased him out the classroom.
The couch gag is the Simpsons as cowboys riding the couch as a bucking horse.
The Simpsons are shopping at the mall.
There is a show with native Americans opening the mall.
“You folks do realise this was built on our land?” said the native Americans.
“What are you gonna do? Haunt us?” Homer yelled.
“Great, great, great uncle Buffalo heart! Get him!” said a Native American. A Native American warrior’s ghost with a cow skull chased after Homer while brandishing a ghostly tomahawk. “Wooooooooo!”
Homer screamed and ran off.
The Simpsons all agree the show was boring.
“Weren’t there three Indians last year?” Marge asked.
“Native Americans Mom!!” Lisa yelled offended.
“Quiet Lisa! Don’t speak to your mother like that!” said Homer.
“Coooool! A gadget store!” said Oscar.
“Let’s go in!” Homer pulled hard on Marge’s arm.
“Homer! You’re hurting me!” Marge groaned.
“I am not!” said Homer. They went inside.
“Cooool! Electric toothbrushes!” said Bart brushing his teeth with electric toothbrushes apparently.
“Bart those are electric nostril groomers!” said Lisa.
Bart spat in disgust and put the nostril groomer back.
“Night vision goggles? A set of bathroom scales from a Russian submarine? A briefcase briefcase? Whoever needs these sort of things mist be compensating for something...” said Marge.
“I’ll take these a Night vision goggles sir.” said Oscar buying the Night vision goggles.
“That’ll be 300 dollars.” said Raphael.
“Marge look! The greatest jacket ever!” said Homer looking at a jacket labelled Greatness Jacket ever!
“Homer that’s just a jacket...” said Marge.
Bart wanders off and finds Comic Book Guy returning a utility belt because it doesn't fit him anymore because he's too fat. The sarcastic guy, Raphael makes fun of his weight.
"If you don't want that, can I have it?" Bart asks eagerly. Cool! A utility belt! I could be a super hero!
"Fine. It was never going to fit my frame anyway." Comic Book Guy hands over the utility belt.
Bart tries it on. "Cool! I feel like a superhero!"
"I'm closing for lunch so be a superhero elsewhere kid." said Raphael.
Comic book guy found a girdle/corset and tried it on to make himself thinner and tried on a Captain Kirk outfit. “Look at me! I’m Captain Kirk From Star Trek I!” His belly tore the corset and he got slowly fat again. “II... V... Generations... Boston Legal...” he sighed as he got fat again.
Bart laughed at him.
In the Bartcave, Bart is now wearing his Bartman outfit with the utility belt.
"Now all I need is a grappling hook."
Bart decides to take the utility belt to school to show off to his friends. However he bumps into Jimbo and his gang.
"Hey hand over the utility belt, Simpson!"
"But, it's mine!"
"Then we're gonna pound ya!" says Kerney.
"Wait! Uh... Nelson already has dibs on it."
"It's Thursday morning. We're in charge now."
"Yeah, and Smelson's retired from bullying."
"Ha! Smelson! Good one!" said the bullies. Bart runs away.
"Hey! He's getting away!" The bullies chase Bart and corner him.
"Wait! I'll use my stink bombs!" However the utility belt was empty. "Oh geez! You couldn't be bothered to refill it?!" The bullies jump on him and beat him up.
At home. Homer finds Bart in his room looking down and covered in bruises.
"What's up, boy?" he asks.
"Jimbo beat me up and stole my utility belt." Bart replies.
"Why that-!" Geez! Why is my son such a loser?
At Moes that evening Homer notices three new patrons in the bar.
"Do any of you guys know a kid named Jimbo Jones?"
"Yeah, that's my kid. What of it?" Jimbo's Dad replied.
"Can you ask him to just give Bart back his utility belt?" Homer begs.
"Why don't you make me?" Jimbo's dad warns. The three men beat up Homer.
"Hey! That's enough! Get out of here!" Moe brandishes his shotgun and chases off the men. "Geez are you alright Homer?"
"Yeah... A little bruised, but fine!" Homer replies.
"You took all that from those thugs?!" Hang on Moe, this gives me an idea... Moe thinks back to when he was a boxer and he developed a fierce rivalry with Julius Sweet, a rich boxing promoter.
"You want me to take up boxing?! I dunno..." Homer is in the back of the tavern.
"You could do with learning some self defence, Homer. And you can took all that punishment. You'd be amazing in the ring!" And I can get back at Julius...
The following night he sets Homer up with a hobo.
"Now hit him!" Homer tries to punch the hobo but falls over. Moe face palms.
"Fine, let him at ya." The Hobo retaliated and punched Homer, but it had no effect. Eventually he was exhausted and passed out. "Wow! You won! Ok you can't throw a punch right, but you're indestructible! You could just win by letting them tire themselves out!" Moe explains.
At home Bart is still miserable.
"Homer didn't get my belt back. And worse he got beaten up for helping me." he explains to Oscar.
"Then let me handle them!"
"No! No killing!" Bart yells.
"I'm not going to kill them. I'm a black belt in karate. I'm just gonna teach them a lesson." Oscar explained with a sigh.
At School on Monday he confronts Jimbo at lunch.
"Hey, shrimp, hand over your lunch money."
"Make me." Oscar replies taking a martial arts stance.
"You are so dead!" Kerne yells. The bullies jump him, but he fends them off with karate. Soon they're lying in a pile bruised and groaning.
"Now hand over the utility belt."
"Ok! Just don't hurt us!" Jimbo hands over Bart's utility belt.
"Cool! You got my utility belt back! Thanks dude!" Bart puts the utility belt back on.
"Just don't take the thing to school in future. And invest in some martial arts classes. Batman did..."
"How is Batman relevant in all this?!" Bart asked.
"I thought your Bartman shtick seemed kinda similar to Batman."
"How do you know I'm Bartman?!" Bart asks.
"It's fairly obvious... even a monkey could work out you're Bartman!" Oscar replied.
"Ok ok! Keep it down! I don't want anyone else knowing. Especially Mom and Dad."
"Don't worry they won't." said Oscar.
Meanwhile Homer in a montage just stood and took damage from opponents in boxing matches until they got exhausted.
Then the big day came. Julius Sweet approached Moe suggesting a match between Homer and heavy weight champion Drederick Tatum. There was just one problem. He was incarcerated in prison for manslaughter... pushing his mother down the stairs... Eep!
Drederick Tatum was interviewed about Homer. “I don’t know the guy, but Homer Simpson if you’re watching you will die tonight in the arena!” said Drederick Tatum.
He was very reluctant to battle Drederick but Moe insisted. Marge in a nagging mood tried to make Moe throw the fight but he was in one of those moods...
“Don’t let him kill me!” Homer cried as Moe somehow got him in the arena.
“Homer don’t be such a Pansy! My money’s riding on you!”
“Moe! If he doesn’t want to fight don’t make him!” said Marge.
The opponents squared off. A former boxer Floyd Weatherton whose face was horribly broken and twisted by years of boxing spoke gibberish because boxing had damaged his brain.
“My Puerto Rican wife got fat...” said Floyd when asked a question.
The referee announced the rules then the boxing match started. Homer quickly learned that Drederick’s punches were too powerful for even him to resist an two were enough to knock him to the canvas.
Homer then grappled with Drederick but he did something very weird. He violently bit Homer’s ear and tore a bit off.
“Yaaaaaaaagh! He bit my ear! He bit my ear!” Homer screamed.
The referee stopped the match. “Drederick you are disqualified! Get outta here!”
Everyone booed Drederick as he walked off.
“I will eat your children!” Drederick warned Homer. Hugo hissed.
“Okay he’s insane...” said Bart.
Homer was seen to by a physician and patched up.
Meanwhile Julius Sweet was furious with Drederick for his stunt. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“I like the taste of ears...” said Drederick Tatum...
At home on the news was a comedy article taking the mick out of Drederick Tatum by portraying him as an insane cannibal. He also did other strange things like keep a fully grown tiger as a pet. Raise pigeons and eat children. Yes he ate children. There was a painting of him in the style of Goya’s Saturn eats his children painting in Drederick’s office.
Drederick also for some odd reason had a lisp and a very high pitched voice. He used big words like recourse but said weird things like threatening to eat people’s faces when he was cross with them.
“Mr Postman, this bill fills me with rage!” said Drederick Tatum to the Postman.
“I’m sorry Mr Tatum!” The postman stammered.
“I’m sorry too. I’m going to have to eat your face.” said Drederick. The postman screamed and ran away.
“Well he’s obviously not right in the head...” said Marge as they watched the news.
A boxing match between two boxers was being promoted. Drederick was asked his opinion on the match.
“I like the taste of ears.” said Drederick.
“That is all folks.” said Kent.
The Simpsons sighed.
Homer was in the master bedroom whimpering and painting Candyman style paintings of Drederick Tatum snarling and making scary faces.
Homer was gibbering and crying as he painted.
“We really need to get Dad to see a doctor. He's traumatized!” said Lisa.
Hugo was eating a bucket of fish heads at the table. Then Homer suddenly remembered it’s not season eight yet. It’s season three! And grabbed Hugo and took him upstairs before anyone else in the family saw him.
"Just wait until season eight, fat man!" The deformed boy moaned. "Just wait until that Halloween Special on season eight, fatso! You will all see and regret it!"