Bart the Lover

Bart the Lover One day in detention Bart discovers Mrs Krabappel is lonely and writing love letters. He decides to prank her by posing as a lonely bachelor called Woodrow. Meanwhile Homer incurs the wrath of the new neighbour and laments making Ned have to move away.

Plot

One morning at school Bart’s class is watching a film about zinc.

A man called Jimmy wishes for a world without Zinc, phones don’t work, his grandma gets sick from a zinc malnutrition and he can’t commit suicide with a gun because guns don’t work without zinc.

Jimmy then begs for his wish to be undone. It was all a dream. He then has a boring speech about zinc.

“Eeeeew gross! He’s picking his nose!” Nelson does shadow puppets over the projected film.

Everyone laughs.

“Thanks Nelson... Now if anyone would like to know any more about Zinc...” Mrs. Krabappel asked but everyone left for recess in a hurry.

“We can just sit and chat... I’ll even do your homework for you!” Mrs. Krabappel sighed feeling lonely.

That evening she went to Apu’s to do her groceries.

“And one Chef Lonely Hearst’s batch of soup for one.” sId Apu scanning her shopping.

“And one scratch em lottery ticket Apu.” said Mrs Krabappel.

Apu gave her a lottery ticket.

“Liberty bell, another liberty bell?! Oh could this be my lucky day? .... Bah.... it’s another purple fruit thing... where were you yesterday!?” Mrs Krabappel sighed.

“Um Mrs Krabappel that’s a plum...” Apu sighed.

“Well I have to go home. To my empty apartment...” said Mrs Krabappel. She paid for her shopping and left.

However on the way home her engine shudders-and car stalls. “Ooooooh!” she groaned.

She somehow got the car to a garage. The sarcastic mechanic tasted the gasoline in her gasoline feeder hole where you top up the car’s gas.... “Bingo Bango! Just as I thought! Sugar in the gas tank! Your ex husband strikes again!”

Mrs Krabappel sighed.

Elsewhere at the arcade.

"So you put Sugar in Mrs Krabappel's gas tank of her car." said Milhouse to Bart while they played Evil Grandma.

"Yup!" said Bart.

...

One day at school Bart is mucking about in class by riding on the world globe.

"Look at me! I'm on top of the world!" Bart cheered running on top of an atlas globe.

"Hey! Only I get to do that!!" Hugo from Jungledyret Hugo yelled.

"Bart Simpson! Get down from there now!" Mrs Krabappel yells. The inertia sends him flying through the blackboard.

"(Sigh) And Bart Simpson has decided to volunteer as the sun..." Ms Hoover can be heard.

"Eh... Hi Lisa..." Bart is dizzy. Lisa frowns at her brother's antics.

"Mommy can you open my milk?" Ralph asked Miss Hoover.

Everyone except Lisa laughed at him.

"Ralph I'm not your mother, I'm your teacher Miss Hoover." said Miss Hoover.

After class Bart is given a months detention after school everyday. He is to do chores. "Aw nuts!" While doing chores he reads Mrs Krabappel's desk label.

"Mrs Krabappel? I didn't know you were married?" Bart asked.

"I'm not. Well not anymore." Mrs Krabappel replied.

"What happened?" Bart was being nosy.

"Oh he found another, younger woman..." said Mrs Krabappel. Why am I explaining this to a kid?! "Anyway less questions more work mister."

"Yes Ma'am..." Bart replied in a bored tone as he got back to work cleaning up his mess.

In the halls Jimbo was annoyed Oscar was being nice to Ralph. They were hanging out while Ralph spoke about his cat Mittens.

“Check your calendar! This is not “Befriend a Loser Week!” Jimbo yelled.

"Hey Jim. Shut up." Oscar snapped.

Kids went Ooooooooh!"

"I'll hang out with who I want..." said Oscar.

"You are so dead..." Jimbo warned him.

...

After work Homer is checking the mail when he spoke to the new neighbor. Thankfully the guy wasn't in his face with a happy personality or talking gibberish. Homer decided to great him.

"Um hi. I'm Homer. I live next door." Homer explained.

"I know. Our houses are next to each other..." answered the muscular fellow in a dry tone, not even looking at Homer as he read his letters.

Homer coughed. "Aren't you going to introduce yourself?"

"No, I'm just reading my mail then I don't want to see your ugly face again." The blond man marched inside and slammed Ned's front door behind him.

"I miss my Ned..." Homer whimpered.

"Stop blubbering you fat lummox..." said the rude new neighbour.

At dinner they are discussing the neighbors.

"Met the neighbors at last." Homer explained.

"And? What were they like?" Marge asked.

Homer starts crying. "I miss Ned!" He sobs loudly.

"Well it's too late, he's never coming back thanks to you!" Marge replies bluntly. She doesn't notice Lisa glaring at Oscar.

"What did you do today, boy?" Homer asks Bart.

"I got detention again..."

"Why?!" Homer yells.

"For acting like a clown and putting a hole in the blackboard so now we get to see Ms Hoover's class until Willie fixes it." Hugo explained. He got out and went to school some how...

"What about you Oz? How was your day?" Marge asked smiling.

"Ace stuck pencils up his nose. It was pretty funny. Then I kept yakking to Jurkle in class and he got a little peeved because he soooooo wanted to do his class work..." said Oscar.

Marge sighed. "Well you shouldn't chat in class."

...

That Saturday the family got ready for church. As they got ready to go, Marge thought it was odd the neighbors were still in bed.

"Hrrrmm... The Flanders are usually already getting ready to leave before us. Homer check on them." Marge asked.

"Why me?" Homer asked.

"Fine, we'll both ask." Marge and Homer got out and went to visit the neighbors. They knocked on their front door. They were soon greeted by a grumpy Mr Cumberdale.

"What? Do you have any idea what time it is?!" The man wearing a vest and pants yells.

"It's time for church." Homer replied.

"It's 7am on a weekend! Beat it!" The man slammed the door on them.

"Should we knock again?" Homer asked.

"I think we should go..." Marge replied.

The Simpsons went to church.

Lovejoy noticed there was an empty pew where the Flanders sat.

He said some boring sermon.

The money baskets were passed around. Lovejoy was dismayed they were short generous donations.

"We're short exactly the amount the Flanders would kindly donate." said Helen. "Which is most of the money that we make every Sunday.

Marge grumbled disappointed.

"I'm sorry Helen but if my family could afford to donate more we would."

At Sunday school Rod and Todd weren't there to be insufferable teachers pets. Only Martin, but minus the hilarious ladybug phobia that came with Rod and Todd.

Oscar sighed having remembered to bring an ant farm full of ladybugs to unleash in the classroom.

Bart presumably caused some sort of incident with the class hamster that he gladly left Sunday school and never came back till season six.

...

The school bus.

10-year-old Bart Simpson snickered as he rode the school bus. He was really planning on messing with his teacher really good today. He had his backpack filled with several prank items instead of actual school supplies. Well he brought his lunch too.

Lisa looked at her brother and rolled her eyes. "Bart, why do you have to be so against your teacher? Teachers can be your friend."

"Yes, quite so Lisa." said Martin. An insufferable teachers pet in Bart's year.

Bart rolled his eyes and scoffed at them.

"Hey man I have something to show you." said Milhouse. In canon the subplot was yo-yos... that's a separate episode in canon. Here Milhouse's thing was a frog. Yes a frog.

"Milhouse that's a frog." said Bart. Oh well better than listening to Lisa and Martin being insufferable nerds.

At home in the attic 10-year-old Hugo Simpson was clipping his toenails. He sighed and stared about his prison. His pigeon rat, a rat and a pigeon sewed together flapped about erratically. Hugo counted the cobwebs on the rafters, some had spiders living in them. A cockroach scuttled past him.

"Homer, You know Who needs some fresh air and sunlight. Let him out in the garden for a bit." said Marge.

Homer groaned. He went up to the attic and unlocked Hugo's chains and allowed him to go downstairs.

Oscar was watching Krusty the clown. He had a new gag character.

"SIR! YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR?" asked Corporal punishment. Apparently he was a real corporal.

"Corporal, I like you. You work cheap." said Krusty. " More importantly, you don't seem to REALIZE you work cheap. I want you to be one of my bit characters." said Krusty. And so Corporal Punishment joined the likes of Tina Ballerina, Mr Teeny and Sideshow Mel.

Oscar felt the show needed shiny nosed cartoon clowns with big red shiny noses like Clownja.

Oscar saw Hugo bounding downstairs on all fours like a dog.

"Hugey!" The smaller boy wearing just a diaper ran about on his hands and feet after the older but feral boy in a ragged shirt and shorts.

...

Monday, after school Bart is still continuing his month of detention when Ms Krabappel is writing something and looking depressed.

"What's up, Mrs K?" Bart asked.

"Nothing for you to worry about." Mrs Krabappel replied as she smoked a cigarette.

"Aww please." Bart asked in a baby voice.

"I'm lonely. I haven't had a man in my life ever since I started teaching!"

"Why don't you go out with Skinner?" Bart asked.

"Ha! That Momma's boy?"

"How about the gym teacher?"

Mrs Krabappel makes a hand gesture as if she's quickly drinking something from a bottle. Bart knew that meant he was a drinker. Eventually he was dismissed. While Mrs Krabappel went to the toilet he got a quick glimpse at what she was writing. A soppy love letter to a lonely hearts magazine. He made himself scarce and went home giggling deviously along the way.

At home Bart wrote a letter to Mrs Krabappel under the alias Woodrow and posted it to the lonely hearts magazine she was writing to.

Meanwhile during that same School Day. Oscar was picked on by Jimbo etc.

"Where's your diaper, baby?" Jimbo pantsed him. To his amusement Oscar really was wearing a diaper.

"Hey he's wearing a diaper! What a loser!" Dolph laughed.

"Don't mock me, Dolpha. Hehehe! Dolpha...." Oscar smirked.

Kearney pushed him over. He landed in a mud puddle. Splat!

The bullies laughed.

They shouldn't have as his eyes glowed red and Dark Oscar took over.

"Laugh while you still can, fools..." said Dark Oscar.

Jimbo tried to punch him but Dark Oscar instant transmissioned to another point in space, onto a wooden picnic bench a few yards away.

"Flames of darkness!" Dark Oscar blasted black flames at the bullies.

"Gah!" Kearney yelled.

"Clay hands!" said Dark Oscar. "A little earth magic I learnt from Mudboy."

Clay hands emerged from the ground and grabbed Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney's ankles and pulled them down.

"Aaaaaagh!" The bullies cried as they got pulled into the mud by the mud hands.

"Leggo!" Kearney grunted.

"Forbidding Darkness!" Dark Oscar made the sky darken.

Bart and Lisa and Milhouse noticed this.

"Oh no...." Bart saw Oscar was causing this. Or the evil version of him. "Not him again..."

Plot 2

The next day Mrs Krabappel was in a much better mood and told him the good news when asked. Bart thought deviously to himself "Sucker!" Because she was in such a good mood she let him go early today when he pulled a sicky.

Oscar whined and tried to also pull a sicky but it didn’t work.

“Oscar no you do not have the bubonic plague now sit down and get on with your sums...” The third grade teacher from Bart vs Lisa vs The Third Grade sighed.

Jurkle frowned at him as he did his sums.

Bart continued his charade, however he needed inspiration. First he sneaked through Homer's love letters only to find they were corny or were drunken ramblings. So instead he watched a romantic film in his room. He used some of the dialogue from the film to help him.

“Oh! This is dynamite!” said Bart writing down the cheesy dialogue.

Meanwhile at school in the cafeteria at lunch.

“Milhouse, how does Lunch Lady Doris get the meat to turn purple?” Oscar asked Milhouse.

Milhouse suddenly didn’t want his lunch. “Suddenly I don’t feel hungry...” he pushed his lunch tray into the middle of the table.

After Lunch Bart player with a Yo-Yo. He gets a new one in a few episodes.

"Feh. Since when did anyone get rich from doing yo yo tricks..." Ace scoffed.

"Donald Trump?" Oscar asked.

"No." said Ace.

"Arnold Palmer?" Oscar asked.

"No..." said Ace.

"Bill Cosby?" Oscar.

"No...." Ace winced exasperated.

"Bill Cosby?! Oz don't be a plank all your life... Bill friggin Cosby?!" Bart groaned.

"Crimson Lightning!" Oscar briefly called upon Dark Oscar and zapped Bart with red lightning bolts.

"Yeeeeowch!" Bart was zapped.

Bart frowned. "Oz seriously. Knock that evil stuff off!"

Oscar frowned with glowing red eyes.

"Know this. You cross me, there will be deadly consequences." Dark Oscar rasped from within him.

"We’ll see." Bart sighed snarking.

...

Homer continued to get yelled at by the neighbor every time he said hi. One afternoon Maggie couldn't nap because someone was playing loud music. Marge was nursing her while she cried.

"Homer! Do something about that music!" Marge yelled. Homer sighed and went over to see the neighbors.

"Um, can you turn your music down a bit? My baby's trying to sleep." Homer asked politely.

"Well too bad because this is my exercise music. Can't work out without loud music." said the neighbor before he slammed the front door on Homer.

Homer sighed and headed home.

"I take it he's not willing to listen..." said Marge.

"No..." Homer groaned.

Home time.

Bart got home and for some reason needed to see Homer's love letters to Marge. Apparently he is running out of romance talk to impersonate Woodrow.

"Mom, did you save Dad's love letters?" Bart asked.

"Of course I saved them. Well, actually, there's only one and it's more of a love postcard from some brewery he visited." said Marge. Not questioning Bart. She gave him the letter.

"Maybe it's the beer talking but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy pretzels here..." "...Five dollars?.! Get outta here." read the letter.

Bart winced.

This is no use... he thought. It wasn't at all romantic. Just drunk rambling.

Downstairs.

"Maybe we should let the dog in." Marge was looking at the dog outside.

"Marge, dogs love the outdoors." said Homer.

"No they don't! And neither does Hugo! I think he wants to come in!" said Marge as Hugo was hitting the doors wanting to come in.

Homer groaned.

"And think about building a dog house too!" said Marge.

...

At school Bart takes his prank further and invites Mrs Krabappel out for dinner as Woodrow.

However she won’t read her letters till after class so for now she is teaching.

“Quiffy (Whatever his surname is)!” She called Quiffy to answer a question.

Quiffy jumps to his feet. “Ah! Yes?”

“Explain to the class what Reaganomics is.” Mrs Krabappel asked.

“Uh... it's the thing that does the thing that... is... uh...” Quiffy stuttered.

“Wrong, sit down! Now, can someone please tell me the right answer? Preferably someone not wearing Red, thank you.“ said Mrs Krabappel.

Quiffy glanced at his own red t shirt with a horizontal orange stripe that Coop from Kid Vs Kat keeps stealing.

After class she read Woodrow’s replies.

"Every second until we meet stabs me like a thousand needles. Join me at the Gilded Truffle Saturday at 8::00. Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm. Sexily yours, Woody." said the letter under Bart's alter ego Woodrow.

Woody that is wrong on so many levels! What would Little Bo Peep say?!

Bart winced.

Mrs Krabappel turns up at the restaurant only for no one to turn up.

Bart skateboards past and sees Mrs Krabappel looking miserable and laughs before going home.

"Oh Woodrow... how could you stand me up like that." said Edna sadly I'm the restaurant.

Oscar saw her and frowned.

He caught up with Bart.

"Bart I know what your doing with Mrs Krabappel..." Oscar frowned.

"Oh you do, do you Oz?" Bart asked.

"Yeah. Why don't you just admit you want to plow Mrs K." said Oscar.

Bart winced. "Eeeeew! No! That is not what I want to do!"

Meanwhile at school.

Lunch was haggis. Despite what it already was, Lunchlady Doris managed to even put off Willie.

"'Tis one thing to mock one’s homeland, his people, his culture and Sean Connery but to misappropriate the dish that I reared on, 'tis an insensitive to separate your head from the rest of ye! Ya got that you flea biting, worm helping, shirt wearing, malformed poodle!” Willie yelled.

"Um are you trying to seduce me Willie?" Lunch Lady Doris asked.

"Maybe..." saud Willie.

Anyway all the other kids hated the Haggis. Hey it's offal. It's gross!

...

Homer and Marge drive to where Ned is now living and beg him to come back.

"I'd love to neighborinos, but there's just no lefthanders in Springfield."

"Oh there's plenty! You just need to put the word out. That's why your shop didn't do so good! You need to advertise!" Homer explained.

"Thanks Homer, but that ark has sailed. I'm back working at the pharmacy." Ned replies.

Homer and Marge leave crestfallen.

Nelson laughs at them.

...

At School, Mrs Krabappel is miserable because her date, Woodrow didn't turn up. Bart feels really bad, but can't admit the truth.

At home Bart spins a story that he has a girlfriend, but she's moving away and he needs to let her know they can't be together politely.

"He wants to plow the teacher..." said Oscar.

"Oz!" Bart yelled.

"Eeeeeew!" said Homer.

"Let's just ignore that." said Marge.

"No let's not!" said Oscar.

"Already have! Marge, where's my Batman glass?" Homer asked Marge.

"In the dishwasher." said Marge.

"No! Listen! Bart fancies his teacher!" Oscar yelled.

...

The family believes his story and agrees to help. However Homer keeps mucking it up with silly suggestions and Bart joins in.

Homer: Ok. Dear Ugly, Loserville, population: you.

Oscar laughed.

Marge: Homer! No!

Homer: Fine... How about Hey Baby!

Marge: Um... Too in your face... Let's start with her name...

Bart: Katelyn.

Marge: Now comes the part where you announce that you um love her, (Bart blushes) but explain why you can never see her again.

Homer: Oh that's easy! Three little words! I am gay!

Oscar laughed.

Marge: Homer we're not putting that...

Oscar: I am gaaaay! I am gaaaaay!

Bart: How about "A crocodile bit off my face." He knew the suggestion was stupid and disgusting, but found it funny.

Oscar cracks up laughing.

Marge: Bart, that's disgusting! And it shouldn't matter that a man had his face bitten off.

Homer: It would matter to me...

Marge: Come on, some serious suggestions please...

Bart: Dearest Katelyn, I only have a few hours to live!

Oscar laughed.

Marge: Bart! Do you want help or not?!

Homer: I am gay! I am gay! I am gay! He repeats loudly.

Oscar laughed.

Marge: Homer for the last time we're not putting that!

Oscar, long and drawn out for dramatic effect: I am gaaaaaaaaaay!

Bart: that’s great Oz, I’m really happy for you.

Marge: Oscar we are not putting that!

Oscar: What about... “Dearest Katelyn... I have herpes.”

Marge: No!

Bart snickers: Ok I'll be serious now. He makes a wonderful suggestion and Lisa finishes it off.

Marge: That's wonderful Lisa. She finishes the letter.

Homer: Ps I am gay. Marge hrrrrrms in an annoyed tone.

...

The next day Bart has made a copy of the letter, but addressed it to Mrs Krabappel from Woodrow. He discretely delivers it to her apartment. She comes out and yells for the deliverer to come back, thinking Woodrow delivered it in person.

The last day of Bart's detention Mrs Krabappel is in a much better mood again, learning that although she'll never see Woodrow again, he loves her. She decides to let Bart spend detention outside since it's a nice sunny day.

...

Bart focused as he played his Gameboy, lounging on the couch as usual, he had one last boss to clear then he would beat the game! “Bart we need to talk,” Lisa said he didn’t even bother to look up.

“Not now, Lis,” he said, "What sort of sad people made a video game about me as Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk?" He was Playing Bart Simpson and the Beanstalk.

Lisa felt in her righteous spiteful insistence that Bart listen to her. Tried to get his attention by turning off his Gameboy. Unfortunately to her annoyance it is a hand held pocket console. It runs on batteries....

Lisa seethed and went elsewhere.

Plot 3

Marge and Homer were drinking coffee in the kitchen.

"Mom, Dad. You need to listen to Oscar. Bart has an unhealthy infatuation with his teacher!"

Mom and Dad spat out their coffee.

"Or he could just be playing a very cruel prank on a desperate and lonely woman." said Oscar. "But yeah in layman's terms he seems to want to plow Mrs Krabappel..."

"Kids we're not dragging this out of Bart. It would mortify and embarrass him. Not to mention poor Mrs Krabappel." said Marge.

"Well Bart shouldn't have posed as an imaginary man called Woodrow, then!" said Oscar sharply.

”Oscar drop the subject please...” Marge sighed.

”But!” said Oscar.

”Now boy.” Honer said sharply.

”Fine. For every day you don’t tell Mrs Krabappel that Bart has a crush on her, I will put a grizzly bear in your oatmeal!” Oscar yelled.

Marge and Homer grimaced exasperated.

Oscar headed off to the lounge annoyed.

”Oz if it’s any consolation. I agree with you. Mrs Krabappel needs to know. Plus I get to humiliate Bart. Nyahahahaha!” said Lisa.

Bart heard them discussing his prank on Mrs K that they mistook for him having a crush on her. He couldn’t allow Oscar to go through with this and humiliate him.

”Okay Oz we’re going on an outing!” Bart suddenly dragged Oscar off somewhere.

They headed to Apu’s.

”Are you trying to bribe me to keep silent?” Oscar asked.

”If you want to think that... But mostly because I want a Squishee and to teach you about the local shops etc so you don’t get lost.” said Bart.

”Hello children. What can I get you today?’ Apu asked.

”One red Squishee Apu and don’t skimp on the syrup.” said Bart.

...

At the Simpsons house Maggie has got a hold of the new and improved unlimited wishes Monkey paw.

Marge gasped.

"I hope she wishes for pudding!" Oscar warping home in a poof giggled.

”Oscar what are you doing back? Isn’t Bart trying to keep you quiet about his crush on Mrs Krabappel?” Lisa asked.

”Oh yeah.” Oscar proofed back to the shops.

Bart was unaware of Oscar doing this because he was reading the comics Apu was selling but not buying them.

”Bart Simpson! This is not a library!” Apu yelled.

”I’ll buy chocolate! And chocolate! And...” Oscar was buying loads of chocolate bars...

”Oscar no! Don’t be greedy! You can have one, well maybe two chocolate bars...” Bart sighed.

They left the store with Oscar carrying lots of chocolate bars and a Squishee.

”I’m very persuasive.” Oscar grinned.

Bart sighed. “Okay now we’re gonna spend a while in the Noiseland Arcade.”

They went to a video game arcade. It’s an arcade with games machines... duh.

They couldn’t agree on what to play. Bart wanted to play Evil Grandma. Oscar wanted to play Spider Stomp.

Bart sighed exasperated.

Elsewhere Lisa was teaching Maggie words.

”Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron.”

Maggie sucked her pacifier.

At the arcade Bart and Oscar were playing a video game.

”Wow you’re good at this.” said Oscar.

”Oz, that’s because this game is meant for three year olds! Now let’s play something cool and violent.” said Bart.

”You’re supposed to be bribing me to keep quiet about your crush on Mrs Krabappel.” Oscar replied.

..

At home.

Homer was trying to find his Batman drinking glass.

”Marge where’s my Batman glass?”

“In the dishwasher dear.” said Marge..

Then Jimmy wished for all the copper to no longer exist. Nice going Jimmy, now we have no electricity or plumbing!

And Hugo found a bear in his oatmeal.

”Oh god! There’s a bear in my oatmeal!”

(bear growling)

At School Lisa and Oscar about to spill the beans to Mrs Krabappel.

”Mmmmmm! Beans...” said Oscar.

”Mrs Krabappel can we have a word?” Lisa asked.

”Of course Lisa.” said Mrs Krabappel nicely. She liked good students like Lisa and Martin.

”We know something shocking about Woodrow.” Lisa replied.

”How do you know about that?!” Mrs Krabappel asked concerned.

”Because Woodrow isn’t real! He’s just a pseudonym my dork of a brother made up to torment you!” Lisa ranted.

”What Lisa is trying to say is that... Her brother, Bart... Would like to plow you...” Oscar added.

”Oz!” Lisa frowned in disgust.

”I see. This is rather embarrassing.” said Mrs Krabappel.

”Sorry. But you needed to know.” said Lisa.

The episode ends on a picture of the baseball player Bart used as a photo of Woodrow.

During the credits a draft letter is shown with all of Homer and Bart's silly suggestions.