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Bart the Groom Bart mucks about with price guns at Cosingtons buying gifts for a fake wedding but stupidly uses his real name and the actual unfortunate name of a real girl who actually believes he has married her and won’t take no for an answer.

Plot[]

At the Cosingtons store there is a sign reading “A Last Gasp of Class.” But a drunk Hobo drinking stumbles and knocks off some letters o it reads “A Last Gas of Ass.” Bart laughs hysterically when he reads the unfortunate sign.

“Quiet boy...” Homer tells him to shut up basically.

“Sir, where May I find clothes for the larger gentleman?” said Homer in a posh tone to a store attendant.

“In the basement sir.” said the attendant.

“Thank you kind sir.” said Homer. He went on the escalator.

“Homer Wait! Before you go on that escalator do up your shoe laces! They’re untied!” said Marge.

Homer’s shoe laces got caught in the escalator and he tripped and fell flat on his face at the bottom of the escalator. “Ow! So many high heeled shoes! Ow!” Homer whined. Then the escalator ripped off his blue pants. “Oooooooh!” Homer groaned.

“He’s lucky he didn’t end up like Scratchy in that one episode where an escalator shredded him.” said Bart.

“That episode is not funny anymore after that Asian Mom got killed by an escalator!” Oscar whined.

Bart sighed and rolled his eyes.

...

Lisa came to an inappropriate girl’s clothes store called little hookers. “Uh this is just wrong! You’re encouraging little girls to dress in low cut clothes?!” Lisa gasped.

“All the popular girls are dressing like sluts.” said the shop owner.

“But I’m only eight years old!” said Lisa.

“So’s your look.” said the store owner.

“Well if you say all the popular girls are doing it...” said Lisa.

“Hmmmmph! Certainly not! Sweetie stay away from that store!” said Marge taking Lisa. “And shame on you, you disgusting people! Sexualising young girls!” Marge scolded the store lady.

“Ugh... parents...” the lady sighed.

Oscar saw the store and rang 911 on his mobile. “FBI? Yeah we’ve got another store sexualising young girls...” said Oscar down his phone. Suddenly FBI SWAT team soldiers descended on the store and smashed it all up and burnt the clothes while arresting the staff.

“You monsters are going away for a long time...” said Lou arresting one of the shopkeepers.

...

Marge took Lisa with her to the hair and beauty area. Lindsey Naegle asked if she wanted a free sample of perfume but didn’t even wait for a response before spraying her in the eyes with perfume.

“Aaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!” Lisa screamed in pain.

Then Lindsey tried to spray Bender but he sprayed oil all over her. She coughed and spluttered.

Then her assistant was explaining with a machine that zoomed in on Marge’s skin to show her she had skin mites and ugly craters in her skin from them. A green Space Mutant mite was eating her skin voraciously.

“Its eating my beauty!” Marge gasped.

“Skin mites love beauty...” said the assistant, “try some of this lotion. It has sixty five ingredients!” She puts some lotion on Marge.

“Oooooh!” Marge was fascinated by the lotion. She then looked at the magnification of her skin again. The poor little alien skin mites were dissolved by the lotion like it was a corrosive acid. Eek!

“Oh no! I hope he didn’t have any children! Skin mites have children don’t they?” Marge asked.

“Yes! Millions!” said the assistant.

“Oh dear...” Marge sighed.

...

Meanwhile Yeeeeees! Guy had to ask someone in the changing rooms to hurry up and finish. “Please sir! Other people need to use those changing rooms!” said Yeeeeees! Guy.

“Changing room? Uh oh...” said Homer sitting with his trousers and pants down. Eeeeeew!

Bart went past the men’s changing rooms bored as he tried to find something to do. Nina from school leaves a changing booth looking shifty as she steals socks again. She passes Nelson and calls him “Goober lips!”

“Puke a Lina!” He retorts.

“Booger breath!” She retorts.

Bart rolls his eyes and leaves for the wedding gift area.

Skinner and Mrs Krabappel are in there buying crockery and cutlery for their wedding. Skinner thinks it’s too expensive for his allowance.

“Seymour we scan what gifts we’d like and our guests will buy them for us...” said Edna.

“And the dishwasher soap and tablets too?” Skinner asked.

Edna has no answer and stormed off.

“Silent anger. The cornerstone of a successful marriage.” said Skinner leaving before Bart arrived.

Once Bart arrived in the wedding gift area he saw price scanner guns. “Cooool! Laser guns!” said Bart taking one. “Eat laser imperial scum! Bzzzap!” Bart role played that the price scanner gun was as a phaser and he was in a sci fi movie shooting lasers at stuff.

“Uh no son, these are not toys. They are bar code readers for scanning things, like this food processor. See?” a shop clerk took his gun and scanned a food processor with it.

”Ball Honky!” said Bart. Oscar slugged him. “Ow! Why?” Oscar glared at him.

”No son not Ball honky.” said the shopkeeper.

”Stop saying that word!!” Oscar yelled. “That’s like calling a black person a N word!”

The shopkeeper explained about the price guns.

“Yeah but you can also flash them in Van Pelt’s eyes...” said Oscar. We cut to the Jumanji cartoon where Oscar pulls out a barcode scanner and blinds Van Pelt with it by flashing it in his eyes.

“Aaaaaaagh! My eyes you accursed brat!” Van Pelt screamed. Oscar giggled and ran off with Peter, Judy and Alan.

“Nice going Oz!” said Peter.

Back in Springfield. Cosingtons.

Bart had a naughty idea once the store clerk left. He registered a fake wedding with himself as the groom and a girl called Lotta Cooties as his bride. Obviously a fake name...

“Oz, did I tell you about how I once dreamed of marrying a zombie...” said Bart.

“No. And that is awesome!” said Oscar. He imagines Bart marrying a zombie lady and her ripping open his head and eating his brain while growling. “Cooooool!” Oscar cooed as his day dream ended.

Bart smirked and went about shooting lasers at various gifts to buy for his wedding. Obviously it was not a real wedding and he didn’t have to buy them, some poor sap thinking the wedding is real would buy them for him.

Bart scanned stuff like a waffle iron and a cocktail maker. Then he laughed deviously and dropped the guns and went home.

...

At home in his room, Bart was planning his fake wedding prank with Milhouse.

“A fake wedding? Wow I can’t wait for your real wedding...” said Milhouse.

Just try not to hit on Lisa during your best man speech or get drunk...” said Bart.

“I am so gonna prank you at your stag night...” said Oscar.

“No you are not...” Bart warned him not to engage in any drunk pranks on his stag do.

Bart sent out invites to everyone. Including Mr Burns.

“Oh an employee wedding...” Mr Burns sighed.

“Uh no sir this is Bart Simpson. Local Neanderthal of sector 7G’s son. He’s only ten years old. I smell a rat...” said Smithers.

“Well if he’s half the donut munching oaf his father is he will not be getting any gifts from me!” Mr Burns yelled.

Bart then found a tent in the park and replaced its sign with Simpson & Cootie Wedding and laughed as he hid somewhere. Local townsfolk he pranked out of their hard earned money for free gifts arrived. Some gifts he’d send back for store credit in a further scam.

“What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts? A milking cow?” Guy Incognito asked holding his monocle.

“Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.” said Carl. “I'll see if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon.”

”Feh! Peseants!” said Guy Incognito disgusted.

“Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.” said Mayor Quimby to his blonde girlfriend.

“I am your niece, Uncle Joe.” said the blonde screechy catwalk model.

”Good Lord, I'm an abomination!“ Quimby screamed. Eeeeew!

Oscar vomited.

(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's.” said Bart deviously as he chuckled.

Oscar using a magic sheet made the Beatles dressed as Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club appear.

Bart sweat dropped.

The locals he pranked put presents on a table and went in the tent. He then zipped up the tent trapping them and ran away laughing.

Sideshow Mel was the first to notice something wasn’t right. “I see no blushing bride or dashing groom!”

“We’re trapped!” said Moe. “And we’re all gonna die! No one breath my air!” He stole the air.

“Why you selfish! Come ere!” Willie deeply french kissed him. “I’ll suck the air outta your lungs!”

“Get off me!” Moe yelled.

Everyone panicked and breathed heavily as the tent imploded and they all collapsed from asphyxiation.

Bart laughed evilly and left with his gifts.

...

However when got home he arrived to an angry Chief Wiggum, Sideshow Mel and the other wedding guests being given oxygen to revive them, Mr Cosington, Yeeeees Guy and his very cross Mom and Dad.

“A fake wedding?! How can you be so stupid you’d think you’d get away with that!” Homer yelled.

“Well this is out of your hands Mr Simpson. This sort of crime, Fraud to be exact is for the courts to decide...

“Ooooooh!” Homer groaned disappointed in Bart.

”Nooooo! Please chief! How about this toaster that toasts bagels? Or a blender?” Bart bribes him.

”I’m bent enough to accept bribes but...” said Wiggum.

Matt coughed and shook his head.

”Mart wants you to suffer this episode.” said Wiggum.

”What is wrong with you?!” Oscar snapped at Matt.

Bart was taken to court. To his horror the judge was, Judge Constance Harm! Dun dun dun!

“We meet again, Bartholomew Simpson!” said Judge Constance Harm.

Bart gulped.

“This time I don’t believe your parents are to blame for this.” said Judge Constance Harm.

“Phew!” Homer sighed.

“But...” said Judge Constance. Homer whimpered. “I will admonish and give you a dressing down so humiliating it would burn hotter than a dwarf star! Behold! Bart’s criminal record!” She held up a folder.

“It doesn’t seem that big.” said Marge.

“This is just the contents page! Bart’s total criminal record takes up five office draw lockers!” yelled Judge Constance Harm.

“Six by eight?” Homer asked.

“Six by fourteen!” said Judge Constance Harm. Everyone gasped. Bart was mortified.

”I oughta have you sent straight to juvenile hall!!” Judge Constance Harm snapped.

”No please! I’ll do anything! I’ll even snitch on my dad!” Bart cried.

”Like hell you will!!” Homer growled.

”Silence in court!” Judge Harm snapped hammering her gavel. “Bartholomew I already have an inside agent working on your father.”

”Is it Lenny?” Bart asked.

”Damn it! I mean no, of course not!” said Judge Constance Harm.

Plot 2[]

“As for you Bartholomew! Unfortunately for your little scam, your bride is here! And I’m a licensed Chaplin too!” said Judge Constance Harm.

“What?!” Bart gasped. Wedding music played as the court doors opened and a small bride about Bart’s height walked in. Under the bride’s head gown thing was, a young girl about his age.

”Hellooooo Darling!” said Alotta Cooties.

“Wait hold it!” Bart stopped the music. ‘Your honour I can’t get married! I’m only ten years old!”

“Please I’ve dealt with all sorts of unusual customs and laws. Somewhere this is legal!” said Judge Harm.

“But not here in Springfield! And as Bart is a minor and I’m his mother I forbid this wedding!” Marge yelled.

“Oh no you don’t freaky blue haired lady! I love my new husband! He’s dreamy!” Lotta Cooties was very um clingy... She hugged Bart.

“Judge annul the wedding! Annul!” Bart yelled.

“I don’t think so Bart! I love watching you squirm!” said Judge Constance Harm almost smirking deviously.

At the wedding.

”Hmmmmm.... how bad could this be...” Homer imagined Bart marrying an alien.

“You shall marry my daughter, Moonhilda.” said the father of the bride.

“I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.” said Moonhilda, some sort of freaky alien life form.

Homer’s dream ended. “No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun!” he yelled.

”Silence in the aisles!” Chaplin Constance Harm yelled.

Oscar kept going on about Alotta Cooties laying eggs in Bart’s brain...

Bart winced. “Look I made you the ring bearer and not Milhouse because you said you’d be quiet and not yak nonsense!” Bart sighed.

”You should totally have married that zombie bitch...” said Oscar.

Bart rolled his eyes.

Wedding bells played as Bart was forced to marry Lotta. There were funny wedding pictures such as Lotta forcing some cake into Bart’s mouth, Oscar making a drunk speech at guests insulting them and Bart looking mortified in the after wedding photos on the court steps.

...

At home Lotta would not leave Bart alone and kept kissing him.

“Moooom! Make her stop!” Bart whined.

“I’m sorry dear but she’s your wife now... apparently...” said Marge. “Mr and Mrs Cooties, surely you must be able to do something?” She asked Lotta’s parents.

“Marge we’re doing all we can just as you are.” said Mr Cooties. “But Lotta seems really smitten with Bart, it’s like love at first sight...”

“I don’t have a problem with them be boyfriend and girlfriend as long as it’s cute and innocent! But our kids are too young to marry!” said Marge.

“This what happens when Judge Constance Harm is around... she makes everything difficult... Like my Dad trying to annul his Vegas wedding...” said Lisa.

“Or my fake wedding that was never supposed to happen!” Bart whined.

“That’s it! Why don’t you just tell Lotta you don’t love her?” Oscar asked.

“I don’t know how she might react! What I’d she’s a bunny boiler?!” Bart asked.

“I would never boil bunny wunnies!” said Lotta.

Bart groaned at her girliness.

...

Lotta some how made Bart get away from everyone else for some alone time with her,

“Lotta how do you think this is gonna work? We’re just kids! We can’t even consummate the marriage yet!” said Bart.

“Oh I know we won’t be able to do any of that until we’ve older but that just means we will have years to get to know each other...” said Lotta. By the way she sounds like Tootie from Fairly Odd Parents.

“What do you suppose we will do then in the mean time?!” Bart got annoyed.

“Play with my dollies?” Lotta asked.

“No, we’re not doing that...” Bart groaned.

...

Skinner and Edna were arguing over more wedding gifts.

“Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely.” said Seymour.

“Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.“ Edna sighed.

“And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges?” said Seymour.

”Feed me! Feed me Seymour!” Edna snapped.

”Fine we’ll have wedding gifts... but no cake....” said Skinner.

”Seymour we’re having a cake...” said Edna.

”Fine.. but now wedding dress...” said Seymour.

”Seymour I’m having a wedding dress...” said Edna.

”Fine but no bouquet...”

”Seymour I’m having a bouquet...”

”Um... I have to get back to the employee’s lounge and finish my shasta...” said the store clerk.

...

In another universe Bart did go to juvie and his girlfriend this episode is Gina Vendetti.

And Marge’s eyes need diapers according to Ralph...

“One slingshot, (Betsy the slingshot blinked her big cartoon eyes as the warden confiscated her) one pack of cards, a baseball, one doodle. (READING) One harmonica. Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom.” said the warden

(PLAYS HARMONICA) Bart played the hatmonica. “Lessons by mail, worthwhile.”

“Gahahahaha! I told you you’d end up in Juvie! Capiche?” Don Brodak the security guard of Try N Save laughed maniacally.

”I am so glad you’re dead in my canon!” Oscar snapped.

At home Marge sobbed. “My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world!”

“Yes you are!” Hugo snapped.

”Why you horrible mutant little!” Homer growled and strangled Hugo.

“It's not all your fault.” Homer reassures Marge. “All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim...Of you.”

Marge grumbled.

You're a great mom.“ said Lisa.

”No she’s not!” Hugo argued.

”Hugo! Zip it!” Lisa snapped. “You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement.”

”Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler...” Homer groaned.

”Or... That Bart is just plain wicked!” Lisa added.

In Juvie Canon Bart fancied a tough looking girl with pink and black hair.

”Stop giving me bedroom eyes or I will gouge those out of your sockets! Dweeb!” Gina snapped.

”I like girls who play hard to get...” Bart sighed with imaginary hearts and cupids.

”Kid I’m serious. I’m an incarcerated convict! I will hurt you!” Gina explained.

Bart was smitten.

Gina sighed.

...

Fanon Bart sighed, he was stuck with a girl that did love him but he didn’t love her.

Alotta was hugging him.

”You think you have it rough...” said an alternate Bart married to Moonhilda an alien girl with tentacles who lays eggs in her husband’s brain.

”At least you have braaaaaaiiiiins...” said Zombie Bart married to a zombie.

Bart winced.

...

Soon he was back in court.

”For the charge of trans dimensional Bigamy?!” Judge Constance Harm yelled.

”Really shouldn’t have made me marry Alotta Cooties Ma’am.

”Shut your cake hole! Simpson! Unfortunately for you this is legal under the church of Mormonism!” said Judge Constance Harm.

”Lady, I’m not a Mormon... I’m Lutheranism...” Bart explained.

”No you’re a Scientologist...” Oscar blurted out.

”Oz that wasn’t even funny five seasons ago!” Bart snapped.

“Wait there’s a universe where Bart doesn’t marry me?!” Alotta asked.

”Yeah, it’s called canon.” said Oscar.

In another universe Bart was dating a girl he wanted to be with. Or he’s got that creepy fascination with his babysitter again. He was in his room humming a romantic song. “Or else, you’re alone!” While applying his Krusty non toxic Kologne to his face. Then he screamed like Kevin from Home Alone.

...

In main canon.

Bart groaned as Alotta Cooties hugged him.

Also did I mention she talks exactly like Tootie from Fairly Odd Parents? Oh I did? Well yeah um....

Jimbo was picking on Bart when she turned up to stand up for him.

"You leave Bart Simpson, my one true love, alone, you big, gray bully!" said Alotta fiercely.

Bart groaned mortified.

In Matt's canon where Bart goes to Juvie.

"Oh Gina!" Bart gave Gina flowers.

"Go away..." Gina shoved him.

"Ow! Why?!" Bart cried.

"I don't date Mommas boys." said Gina who has pink and black hair.

"Frigid Whore..." Bart retorted.

"Family Guy." said Gina. Yes she calls him that!

"Lucky there's a family guy!

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the things that make us...

Laugh and cry!" The Griffins sang.

Bart and Gina rolled their eyes.

"Psychopath..." said Bart.

And we swiftly move on before Gina invokes any more TV Programmes.

In Zombie bride canon.

Zombie Bart groaned.

Mrs Simpson the zombie bride, Bart's zombie bride to be precise was eating Oscar's brains.

"Author enough please..." Lisa sighed.

Hehehehe! Zombie bride...

Plot 3[]

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