Bart the General is the twelfth episode in my fanon. Lisa has made cupcakes but won't let anyone have one. Then at school a bully steals them and in trying to help Lisa, Bart incurs Nelson's wrath.
- Dan Castellana as Homer Simpson
- Julie Kavner as Marge Simpson
- Yeardley Smith as Lisa Simpson
- Nancy Cartwright as Bart Simpson
Guest stars
- Hank Azaria
- Harry Shearer
- Tress MacNeille
- Phil Hartman
- Eileen Stevens as Oscar Tamaki
Plot[]
Lisa is making chocolate cupcakes for all the teachers. She won't let anyone have one.
“Oh cupcakes!” Homer admires them.”
“Dad keep your hands off! Those are for my teachers!” said Lisa.
“Yum cupcakes! Don’t mind if I do!” Bart tries to grab a cupcake from the oven. But Marge yanks him away by his shirt.
“Bart! No. Those are Lisa’s teachers. And besides what have I told you about grabbing food straight out of a boiling hot oven?” said Marge.
“Don’t.” said Bart remembering the Tracey Ullman short where Marge baked cookies.
“Cookies! The perfect crime!” said Bart trying to grab one after Marge left despite her warnings they were hot. Bart burns his hand on a cookie.
“Yeeeeeouch!” he cries as his hand swells red and inflamed in a cartoon fashion.
“Yeah keep your greasy mitts off of them Bart!” said Lisa.
“Lisa you only have your home room teacher, your music teacher Mr Largo and the gym teacher. Are you giving cupcakes to every teacher...?” Bart asked.
“Yes...” said Lisa. “So keep your mitts off of them!”
“Teacher’s pet!” Bart insults her.
“Now boy, sometimes you have to brown nose. Grease the wheels a bit if you want to get through life easily.” said Homer. “Like say “Good idea Boss!” And your boss or teacher might cut you some slack.”
“Oh yeah! Thanks Dad!” said Bart.
“Dad! I’m not greasing the wheels! I like my teachers!” said Lisa.
“Geek!” Oscar insulted her.
“Oscar stop that! When I was a girl I liked my teachers and gave them apples.” said Marge.
“Apples are so last century Mom. Teachers want a treat, not fruit...” said Lisa.
“Yeah whatever Lis. The point is Bart that I doesn’t hurts bribe once in a while. A cupcake here... a good grade there...” said Homer.
“Dad I get good grades because I pay attention in class and study hard.” said Lisa.
“Yeah whatever. Son there are three roads to success. Work, brains and...” looks at cupcake he somehow got a hold of. “Mmmmmmmm!” He moaned with joy at the delicious cupcake.
“Dad put that down now!” Lisa yelled.
”I want cakey.” Oscar sat in his high chair whined.
”Oz no. These are for the teachers.” said Lisa.
”I want cakey! Gimme!” Oscar tried to grab one.
”Oz!” Lisa started but Marge gave her a sad look. “Oz I’ll get you a cup cake or I’m sure Mom will. Now put that back...”
”Lis, you have one teacher and your music class teacher Mr Largo... you don’t need all those cupcakes...” Bart groaned.
Lisa frowned at him.
The school bus comes and Homer somehow still has a cupcake, However Lisa yoinks it from him just in time before he ate it.
"D'oh!" Homer groaned.
On the bus Bart badmouths Lisa to Otto that she's cooked lots of cupcakes but won't let anyone have one.
“Hi little dudes and dudedettes!” said Otto.
“Hi Otto Dude! Get this. My sister has cooked loads of cupcakes and won’t even give anyone a single one!” Bart ranted.
However Lisa gives Otto one. “Here you go Otto!”
“Thanks dudedette!” said Otto eating the cupcake.
Lisa almost drops the box of cupcakes. But Bart kindly catches them for her. But she thinks he’ll take one and snatches the box back.
Bart argues with her to give him one but she won't unless he is nice to her.
“Give me one!” Bart demanded.
“No!” said Lisa.
“You snivelling toad! You nasty little egg sucker!” Bart yelled.
“Tell me more...” Lisa said smugly.
“Butt scratcher! Foot licker! Apple polisher!” Bart ranted.
“Now you definitely won’t get one!” said Lisa.
Bart sighed and apologized for snapping at her and calling her names.
”Okay you’re not a nasty little Egg sucker.”
”And I’m not a snivelling toad. Am I?” Lisa frowned.
”No. you’re my little sister.” said Bart.
Lisa smiled. She decided he could have a cake.
”Open your mouth and I’ll give you a big surprise.” said Lisa. Don’t get any ideas guys!
She then gives him one that dropped on the floor.
“Thanks Lisa.” said Bart eating the cake.
At School a bully steals her cupcakes and eats them.
“Hey! Give them back!” Lisa yelled.
“Make me.” said they Yellow Weasel.
“Baaaaaart!” Lisa yelled.
Bart sighed wondering what all the commotion was involving his little sister.
“What is it sis?”
“That boy took my cupcakes and is eating them! Make him give them back!” Lisa whined.
Bart sighed. “Dude give them back.”
“Why should I?” said the Yellow Weasel.
“Because. If you don’t. I will beat you to death!” Bart warned a very dark threat. Eep!
“Bart no! He’s one of Nelson’s weasels!” Milhouse warned Bart.
Lisa starts crying.
The boy goads Bart by dropping the cupcake box and stomping on them. Bart then violently beats up the boy until Nelson grabs him. Bart's wild punches breaks Nelson's nose. It bleeds and he doesn't notice it's his own blood until he inhales.
“Nelson your nose is bleeding.” said Richard.
“Nah some kid’s blood always splatters on me. Wait!” Nelson sniffs and realises his nose is bleeding. “You made me bleed my own blood!”
Everyone gasped.
Bart gulped.
Nelson then threatens to see Bart after school for a fight.
”I’ll get you for this after school, Simpson!” Nelson threatened Bart.
Everyone gasped.
Bart gulped.
However Skinner calls everyone in.
“Oh there’s no beatings after school children. Now head to class.” said Skinner.
“But!” said Bart.
“School Young Simpson!” Skinner gently pushes him inside.
...
Elsewhere George Michael sang love songs as if he was singing to a woman.
“Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body. I know not everybody has got a body like you.”
Then he realised he was gay and came out to Andrew.
”Andrew, I’m gay.”
Wham then wrote campy peppy upbeat songs like Wake me up before you go go!
Homer screamed and threw the radio out the kitchen window.
Marge sighed.
She went in the lounge with the laundry to start the ironing.
Baby Oscar wearing just a diaper was lying on his stomach watching Disney’s Bonkers. About Bonkers D Bobcat. A cartoon bobcat with a big red shiny nose.
Marge smiled and decided to iron with the cartoon playing in the background. At least bumpkin doesn’t like that violent Itchy and Mitchy cartoon Bart watches....
Oscar was transfixed by Bonkers’ wet shiny red nose. He peed his diaper.
”I know! Let’s sing a song. 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer!” Marge sings. Oscar joins in.
Homer suddenly runs in. “Where?!”
Marge and Oscar winced.
”Also isn’t this just a Bart episode?” said Homer.
”There can be a B story Homer...” said Marge.
”Pfffffft! B story....” Homer scoffed. “Can I watch the sports? The Wolverines are playing the Isotopes.”
”No! Oscar’s watching a cartoon.” said Marge.
Oscar was watching Disney’s Bonkers D Bobcot.
Homer sighed.
In class Bart has a nightmare about an invincible giant Nelson chasing him, no matter what weapons he uses. A machine gun, throwing knives... Nelson just gets bigger and bigger. And then eats him. “Lunch time! Lunch tiiiiiiime! Bwahahahaha!” said the giant Nelson eating a screaming Bart.
Milhouse wakes Bart up for lunch. “Bart it’s lunch time?”
Bart wondered why he had a nightmare of Nelson voring him.
At the cafeteria counter Oscar is getting school dinner. Yes there’s a baby in a diaper at the cafeteria queue. He can see Doris get from a barrel labelled ‘Horse meat, all sorted bits of horse. Now with extra horse testicles!”
Milhouse’s face went green as he ran off to be sick.
“More testicles means more iron! It’s what you growing kids need.” said Lunch Lady Doris cooking the horse testicles and other horse parts.
“It’s also great for us dudes in the bedroom to get us ho yeah! Down boy! Down! Yeah baby yeah!” said Oscar being rude.
“Oz! Kids aren’t supposed to talk like that!” Lisa whined.
“Yeah probably kid. My boyfriend could use some horse testicles in his diet then. Hasn’t been able to satisfy me in weeks...” said Lunch Lady Doris agreeing with Oscar.
”Oz why are you here? Mom must be worried sick.” Lisa asked as Oscar stood in the cafeteria in his diaper.
”No she’s busy playing with Maggie.” said Oscar.
At lunch Lisa drew attention to Bart when he arrived by raising a cheering crowd to congratulate him in beating up the yellow weasel and giving Nelson a nosebleed.
“Everyone cheer! It’s my brother! The bully killer!” Lisa cheered.
Kids cheered.
Nelson and his weasels glared murderously at Bart.
Bart is mortified because he didn’t defeat any bullies. He just made things worse.
......
After lunch he has another nightmare about dying from having been beaten to death and his family mourning him at his funeral.
“Cool Bart! Skinner closed the school and gave us the day off!” said Milhouse.
“Nice going boy, we got the day off work!” said Homer.
“Homer!” Marge scolded him.
Homer cried and Oscar took a photo of him at a split second. “Oh what’s the point of a day off if I’ll never see my baby boy again!” Homer cried.
“That’s better Homer be brave...” said Marge. She cried too.
Lisa cried and lamented not giving Bart a cupcake. She rested it gently on his forehead.
Nelson in the dream eats the cupcake on dead Bart’s forehead beats up Bart's corpse until Oscar punches him really hard.
....
Bart tells Oscar not to invade his dreams as Oscar once explained its very dangerous for him to do. And it's kind of rude.
Bart goes to sleep again.
At the wake Oscar is looking through his photos. He winced because he got a smear frame of Homer looking like a monster of some sort.
Marge and Lisa were crying and sobbing about Bart.
”I’ve lost my only boy!” Marge sobbed.
Hugo glared at her. Hugo you’re not a character yet...
Bart’s dream ends as class ends.
He encounters Nelson in the halls.
Bart gulps.
“I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.” said Nelson. Who is evil in his debut episode.
“And you better be prompt.” said Yellow weasel.
Plot 2[]
After school, Bart encounters Nelson and his weasels. He is beaten up and put in a bin. Nelson warns him he'll do the same again tomorrow. Bart is then rolled home.
The bin rolls into the Simpsons yard. Bart crawls out and limps inside. Oscar the grouch then sneaks out. The green furry Sesame Street character discreetly crawls in the bin and goes to sleep.
”So Ralph Oscar’s gonna be joining school next year. I dunno he’ll probably jump straight to second grade or third for some reason.” said Lisa on the phone. “Yes I know he’s a baby right now.”
“No, he's pretty um special, like me. He's in all the same special classes as I am.” Ralph explained Oscar had been assigned to the remedial class.
”Noooooooooo!” Oscar screamed.
”Oh kiddo... I love it when he’s overly dramatic...” said Homer. No it annoys you and everyone else because no one has a sense of humour round here...
Bart came in beaten up.
”Bart what happened?” Marge asked.
”He stood up for me and paid the price. Thanks Bart.” Lisa said speaking up for Bart.
”No problem. Sorry about your cupcakes.” said Bart going upstairs.
At home Bart is upset and crying in the bath.
“I’m gonna miss you big guy...” he cries at his reflection.
”Me too, mirror me.” said Mirror Bart wondering why his mirror self was crying.
"Boy what's wrong?" Homer comes in.
Bart tearfully explains. In the Latin dubs like French and Italian they decided it was a great idea to put a really heartbreaking sad musical track playing softly.
The narrator sobbed.
Afterwards Homer dries Bart's eyes with a hairdryer. Hehehe! This bit is funny!
He, That’s Bart, explains what happened. That a bully is picking on him.
“So what's the problem, son?” Homer asked.
“I had a run-in with a bully.” said Bart tearfully.
“A bully?“ Marge asks as she comes in to give her two cents.
And everyone is extremely nice to Bart despite treating him like the black sheep all season over a little tattoo...
Marge suggests he reasons with Nelson, but Homer suggests he fights Nelson and teaches Bart to fight.
Homer calls Marge Gandhi as he takes Bart to train him to fight.
During the short training montage Bart shows he is a lousy fighter and can't punch.
"That's not how you punch! Look this is how you do it..." Homer then savagely bites a chunk out of the dummy. Bart is horrified by his violent side.
Then some dirty tricks. “Too get the upper hand, throw mud in his eyes!” said Homer. “Then here’s the secret. Go for the family jewels!”
“Okay but I’m not biting his ear off like Mike Tyson!” Bart was not doing anything savage like Homer was doing to that dummy.
Meanwhile.
”It would be nice if people sorted out their differences by talking for a change...” Marge told Homer frowning. He scoffed.
She smelt something bad. “Peeeyeeew! Speaking of change I better change Maggie.”
Maggie cooed and giggled as Marge took her upstairs.
“Have a lolly, Maggie, while I get your diaper bag.” said Marge smiling as she gave Maggie a lolly.
Maggie sucked the lollipop.
”Lolly...” said Oscar sighing.
”Oz do you need changing bumpkin?” Marge sighed.
”Well...” Oscar pondered. He was wearing just a sweater and a diaper.
Marge sighed and pulled at the back of his diaper to look inside. It was clean. “Oscar you’re clean.”
”Can I have a lolly anyway?” Oscar asked.
”Fine....” Marge sighed. “Now Bumpkin I’m worried about Bart so please pile down while I’m on the phone.
Marge rang up someone. “Hello? Dr Hibbert? It’s Marge Simpson...”
”Hmmmmm Bart’s injuries match up with a beating. From a school bully, so relax Marge. Ahehehe!” Dr Hibbert said over the phone. “But I strongly advice you report this to the principal.”
The friendly conversation continued.
”Thank you so much Dr Hibbert.” said Marge.
”The pleasures all mine Mrs Simpson.” said Dr Hibbert. Then this bit is funny. “Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number?"
Marge didn’t answer. There was awkward silence.
Oscar winced.
...
However Homer’s training doesn't work. Bart just made Nelson mad When he blinded him with mud then he cried in pain holding his crotch when Bart kicked his groin. Bart is beaten up again.
Bart is practicing on the Nelson dummy.
“No that’s not how you punch someone!” Oscar explained. “A punch is intended to hurt! Put your full force and anger into it! Secondly don’t swing like a cartoon character. Quickest and shortest thrust possible like this! Hiyaaaa!” Oscar threw a very hard punch at the dummy.
“Coool!” said Bart.
“And another thing. You know how those big bullies just push you away at arms length with their palm on your forehead?” said Oscar.
“Yeah! How did you know?” Bart asked.
“There’s a trick for that.” said Oscar. “Whenever they do that. Don’t keep running at them like silly. Grab their arm and put them in an arm lock like so.” Oscar put Bart in an arm lock.
“Ow! I get it! Leggo!” said Bart. Oscar released him.
”And follow Homer’s mud in the eyes then Crown Jewels with a punch in the face. Look if you can’t punch properly think of something that enrages you.”
”Like you making nonsensical jokes?” Bart frowned.
”Okay like that if you must...” Oscar frowned.
”Any other pearls of wisdom?” Bart asked.
Oscar knitted his brow and was thinking.
”Well?”
”I’m thinking whether to help you since you keep being so rude!” Oscar retorted.
”Oz you summoned a giant moth with laser eyes the other day for a laugh...” Bart sighed.
...
After school Bart was accosted by Nelson again. He tossed mud in his eyes blinding him. Then he kicked him in the groin.
”Aaaagh!” Nelson cried. Then while he was doubled up in agony he punched him in the face giving himself nose bleed.
the weasels were horrified and scared.
”Don’t just stand there! Pulverise him!” Nelson yelled.
Lisa finds Bart after he rolls home in a bin again while she was eating ice cream.
”How did you lose again?!” Lisa asked confused.
”I have no idea.” said Bart coughing up his hat.
“Bart, you can't go on like this.” said Lisa softly.
“I know.“ said Bart. He coughed up several more copies of his lucky red hat. Hehehehe!
Lisa suggests they see Grampa.
“Grampa is really tough! Remember that fight he put up when Dad put him in a home?” said Lisa.
Bart imagines Grampa as Grampa zilla breathing fire and stomping about.
“No Bart! I know you’re imagining something stupid again!” Lisa whined.
Bart giggled. “Grampa zilla... you can’t make it up...”
......
Grandpa Simpson is having bully trouble of his own. Jasper is stealing his newspapers.
Bart comes in.
“Oh my grandchildren finally have come to visit me! Oh! I thought I was all alone!” Abe cried.
”Grampa we saw you last week...” Bart sighed.
They discuss the bullying problem.
”Well Bart if you don’t make a stand, he’ll be bullying you for the rest of your life.” said Abe.
Grandpa takes them to see Herman the one armed shopkeeper. Herman suggests Bart gathers an army to train and fight Nelson.
“How did you lose your arm?” Bart asked.
“Well, when your teacher tells you never to stick your arm out the window you better damn well listen!” said Herman.
Bart gulped.
Grampa admired the shop for all its antique guns and bombs. They reminded him of the war.
”I shop here regularly for cherry bombs and M80s.” said Bart.
Grampa frowned not approving of Bart buying explosives.
”I shop here regularly to buy guns.” said Oscar.
”Herman why are you selling guns to a minor...” Bart frowned.
.....
After school everyone meets up at Bart's treehouse, Bart arrives late and beaten up. He coughs up his hat, delivers a speech and there's a montage of the kids at boot camp and Bart singing an army drill.
During the song the soldiers each take turns attacking the punching bag/dummy that represents Nelson. However Herman goes over the top and stabs the dummy with a bayonet. Bart is horrified.
"What is with some people..." His brain says to him.
During training Bart slaps a shell shocked boy and Grandpa slaps him then Marge slaps Grandpa and angrily explains she doesn't want him anywhere near Bart for hitting him. Grandpa explains that he was teaching him that you for some reason can't hit an insubordinate soldier.
”I don’t care Abe! Don’t hit Bart!” Marge told Grampa off.
Later at the old folks home.
Abe is typing up amusing letters of complaint.
“Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving s*x maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.” Abe recited while typing on a typewriter. Hehehe!
At School. Lisa witnesses Milhouse be wheeled out by paramedics looking in a bad way with broken glasses and a bloody nose.
”Milhouse what happened?!” Lisa gasped.
”He can’t hear you. We had to pack his ears with gauze.” said a paramedic.
I included this scene because it makes Nelson more of a threatening antagonist.
....
Another day at the end of school Bart gets beaten up.
“Hey where’s your stupid red cap?” Nelson asked.
“I don’t fancy eating my cap again...” said Bart woozy from his injuries. “Can we not do the throwing me in a bin please...” they threw him in a bin.
“Are Thursdays okay?” Yellow weasel asked. “Too bad!” They put the lid on the bin and sent Bart rolling home!
That afternoon they go over the battle plan. They will attack with a pincer movement after Nelson leaves the Kwik-e Mart to go to the arcade and will pelt him with water balloons.
"Is it alright if they say happy birthday?" Bart asks.
Herman growls in frustration. "It'll have to be. But I'd prefer if they said 'Death from above'!"
There's a short gag where Grandpa throws a water balloon at Homer.
On the day of the attack Bart acts as bait.
“Nelson and his weasels are on Elm Street leaving Apu’s and heading to the Elm Street arcade.” said Bart loving through binoculars.
Herman the one armed man said Elm Street of Springfield was the key to Springfield and the Greeks and Carthage knew this.
Oscar decided to spawn Freddy Krueger onto Elm Street.
(Freddy Krueger laughing maniacally.) “Welcome to prime time, Bitch!”
Nelson and the weasels screamed and fled.
Bart strangled Oscar.
Bart then intercepted Nelson as in canon. I wanted Freddy Krueger to cameo...
”No Oz! No flippin’ Freddy Krueger!” Bart groaned.
After escaping Freddy Krueger.
“What favour Squishee did you get?” Black weasel asked Yellow.
”Blue!” said Yellow weasel.
”Cram it you two!” Nelson scolded them.
Bart stops Nelson at the arcade and challanges him.
“You and what army?” Nelson asked.
Suddenly Bart's army attacks with water balloons.
Eventually Nelson surrenders and is tied up and brought to the Simpson house to sign a peace treaty. He reluctantly accepts it and everyone eats cupcakes.
.....
The Epilogue
Bart is in a library explaining to the viewers about war and books. His favourite wars are World War I, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy.
“Peace out dudes! Losers...” Bart says to the fourth wall.
Trivia[]
- A boy dressed as a sailor kisses Lisa. This is a reference to a famous photograph of America celebrating the end of World War Two.
