Bart of Darkness Bart breaks his leg one summer and has to stay inside. While playing with his telescope he discovers Ned burying something and talking about having killed someone. He thinks Ned has murdered Maude...
It's extremely hot one summer morning. Hans Moleman comes out of his house sweating and talks to the sun. “You’re certainly doing your job today Mr Sun!” However his thick glasses magnify the sun’s rays and he sets himself on fire! “Oh dear...”
Mr Sun wearing sunglasses or Him Glasses, was promoting orange juice. Because sentient stars with sunglasses are great orange juice mascots.
In the Springfield wax museum.
”And here we have the Beatles as exactly as they appeared on the Ed Sullivan show.” said the Tour guide. The Beatles had melted from the heat. OMG Ed Sullivan what did you do to them?!
”Oh god! They’re melting! Meeeeeelllllting! Oh what a world!” Oscar screamed going completely nuts quoting the wicked witch of the west.
”Well it hardly seems fair to be charged the original price! I’m up to my knees in the original cast of M*A*S*H!” said Skinner wading up to his knees in molten wax that was starting to harden.
Oscar, Martin and Database grunted as they waded about in the wax that was starting to resolidify and was getting gooey.
In the Simpsons house everyone is in their underwear because it’s so hot. Homer has the fans on and the refrigerator open with a tent set up to keep cool.
”Homeboy, my hat goes off to you.” said Bart rubbing himself with the bag of peas.
”It’s cool in here boy.” said Homer.
“Homer that will break the refrigerator. Close it if you’re not using it...” said Marge.
”I got the idea when realised the refrigerator is cool.” said Homer in a smooth voice.
”Well it certainly is refreshing in here. But Mom is right. Won’t this overload the motor?” said Lisa.
The fridge broke. Homer groaned as it powered down.
”Marge turn the oven to cold...” said Homer.
He put Maggie on the red jelly dessert in the fridge and she went to sleep on it. Homer giggled. Bart was cooling himself by rubbing a pack of frozen peas on himself.
“Eeeew!” Lisa groaned.
“I don’t like peas anyway.” said Oscar.
The Simpsons went to the front lounge to languish in the sweltering heat.
Suddenly an ice cream truck rings. Bart and Lisa run outside but Bart gets stuck to the green armchair by his sweat and struggles to get free. Which he does, eventually.
Bart and Lisa, now in their swimming clothes get out to find the truck sounding like an ice cream truck out of ice cream.
”No, we’re all out of ice cream, yes all your favourite flavours, gone. Sir please get away from the truck... we don’t have any ice cream...” said the ice cream man.
Another was actually selling Chilli.
“Chilli! Scolding hot, burns your tongue chilli!” said the chilli truck man. “And ginger ale, fiery Texan ginger ale!”
"Chilli? Yeeeuck!" Bart groans. Suddenly Otto pulls up with a swimming pool at the back of his truck. All the local kids get in including Bart and Lisa.
“Hey Lis. I just snagged two pairs of swimming trunks. Both from Martin!” said Bart holding swimming trunks.
“Ha! I am wearing fifty pairs! Do your worst!” said Martim. The kids immediately converge on him and strip him of all his swimming trunks. He screams like a girl when he realises he is naked.
walter splashes into the truck cab where Otto is.
”I really need to install a window there...” said Otto.
However Otto needs to deliver the pool to its new owners. "Hey! I've got to get going! Get out of the pool freeloaders!" Everyone reluctantly gets out. Bart wouldn’t though.
”Bart, Otto said for you to leave the pool.” said Lisa.
”I’m gonna stay in the pool and follow wherever it goes to. See you round sis. Have a good life!” said Bart.
”No can do little dude. We’re filling ‘er up with Epsom salts and installing this pool in the old folks home.” said Otto taking Bart out of the pool and putting him on the sidewalk.
"Dad,we've acquired a taste for swimming." Lisa says as they're both now indoors looking at Homer who's laying down on the sofa. "Unless you want one bugged all summer by us going 'Can we have a pool Dad?' I suggest you agree to it."
"I guess I have no choice, but no more annoying begging!" Homer sighs. “Let us celebrate this armistice with the mixing of chocolate and milk.”
”I like chocolate milk!” Oscar screamed like Cheese from Foster’s home for imaginary friends.
The Simpsons go to buy a pool but the man charges for assembly. And has pools with unsavoury names.
”The hick tub (with hicks bathing in it.) The instant rust. (Probably rusts instantaneously as soon as you fill it with water.) The lightning magnet. (Likely to result in all the kids being struck by lightning while swimming) And the Tinkler. (Kids peeing in the pool.)”
"No way! We'll build our own pool!" Homer says sulking.
However instead of building the pool, Homer and Bart dangerously muck about with the tools, including the caulk.
Bart hits Homer with a wrench.
”Why you!” Homer bends the saw so it snaps back and cracks like a whip across Bart’s butt.
”Yeeeow! Eat caulk!” Bart squirts caulk glue in Homer’s mouth.
"We're never going to get the pool built..." Marge sighs. She rings a bell. "We got this when we visited that Amish village." She reminds Lisa.
Suddenly Amish people everywhere hear the bell and come running.
"What is it maiden of the long blue hair?!" The Amish ask.
"Can you build us a swimming pool?" Marge asks.
"Certainly! With God's finest steel!" They build a pool.
They build a metal barn...
"'Tis a fine barn, but to be sure 'tis no pool English." said the Amish.
"D'oeth!" said Homer in old English.
While the pool was actually being built Marge was annoyed a group of Mennonites who are just gambling and not doing any work. Eventually the Amish finish the pool.
"Is it a pool yet?" Homer asks.
"You have to fill it with water first..." Lisa explained after the Amish left. Homer does so.
Suddenly there is a ring at the door. Marge answers it to Bart's friends.
"Um, Mrs Simpson, can we use your pool?" Jimbo asks. She lets them in and makes sandwiches.
"Bart, are all these your friends?" Marge asks.
"Friends and well wishers." Bart explains.
"Hi Mrs Cumberdale!" A kid calls Marge by the wrong name. ...
The next morning Homer goes swimming however there's slime in the pool.
"Aaaaaaagh! Lisa! The blob's got me! Don't touch me! He'll get you too!" Homer screams.
"Dad, that's algae. You have to clean the pool out with chlorine."
"Chlorine ey?" Homer ponders.
Later all of Bart and Lisa's friends are screaming in pain with pale skin and white hair because there's too much chlorine in the water.
"I'm blinded!" Ralph screams. Milhouse with white hair is crying.
"Dad, you used way too much chlorine..." Lisa sighed.
Later when the water no longer is burning everyone. Some kids steal Martin's swimming trunks.
"Look! I just stole these both from Martin!" Dolph boasts to Nelson.
"Ha good luck! I'm wearing fifty layers!" Martin smirks. Suddenly everyone in the pool lunges at him and steals all of his trunks. Martin then squeaks with embarrassment when he realises he's naked.
”He didn’t learn that from the other day...?” Oscar asked drinking a soda.
Bart then tries to jump from his treehouse roof.
"Bart no! Don't be so stupid!" Lisa yells.
"Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!" said Nelson.
"It is?" Bart looks about and tumbles.
Bart slips and falls. He makes a sickening crunch when he lands.
"Haw haw!" Nelson laughs. Bart groans in pain. “You see Epidermis is your hair. So it’s true!” He explained to Kearney.
"Nelson I think he's badly hurt." Milhouse explains.
"I said, haw haw!" Nelson replied.
Bart is taken to hospital.
”Give this kid some magazines...” said the nurse smoking a cigarette.
Dr Hibbert diagnosed him with a fractured leg.
”This leg is gonna come off.” said Dr Hibbert. Bart gasped. “Ahehehe! Did I say leg? I meant that sopping wet set of swimming trunks. Because you’re gonna have to wear a cast Bart.”
"But I can't go swimming!" Bart whines.
"Certainly not! In fact you can't get your cast wet!" Dr Hibbert explains.
Meanwhile at the Prince house hold Martin is having a wooden pool built.
“Yes! Soon I will be the queen of summer!”
The builders give him a look like he said something weird.
“I mean King of Summer!” Martin said hastily.
Back at the hospital Bart lying in a hospital bed with his leg in a plaster cast was taken by orderlies into the Broken Dreams children’s ward.
Bart winced as his bed was next to the boy who broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. The boy snorted from a head cold and had a big shiny brown clown nose as his nose. He was wearing a diaper and a cast on his broken leg.
Bart was being wheeled about the house in his wheelchair that he had ever since his accident when he plunged into Springfield gorge.
“Okay Lis, park me here. I want to gaze out of my telescope like an old sea dog looking at things.”
“Okay but don’t start wild theories about people again like you did with Grampa...”
“Okay I won’t...” said Bart gazing at things with his telescope. Because this is a cartoon, his telescope had his magnified eye blinking at the end as he looked at things.
He saw baby Oscar in his feetie pyjamas with a cape flying about. Oscar thwacked the fourth wall iris with his teddy bear.
“Oooooouch!” Bart cried holding his eye.
At dinner. Bart was sat at the table in his pyjamas sat in his wheelchair with his big leg cast.
“So is the next paragraph just gonna be telescope gags?” Marge asked.
“Yup.” said Oscar.
Bart was annoying Lisa by looking at her through his telescope at point blank range.
“Woooow... it’s a large planetary body...” said Bart.
Lisa scowled and punched the telescope really hard causing it to be buried a few inches in Bart’s eye socket. Bart screamed.
Next were gags about Bart’s bandaged foot. Bart got up and put pressure on his broken leg. A sharp pain went through him. “Yeeeeeeow!” He fell to the floor clutching his leg in pain.
“Oh Bart... Dr Hibbert warned you not to put any pressure on that foot without your crutches...” Marge sighed as she helped him up.
“Can we bandage the rest of him up? Like in Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers Kiwi’s big adventure?” Oscar asked.
“No! You are not doing that!” Bart replied.
“How about a crocodile chase?” Oscar asked.
“No!” said Bart.
“But...” said Oscar.
“Look when you get an unfortunate accident and fracture an arm or a leg you can do all the goofy stuff you want...” said Bart.
“I was gonna say, take advantage of everyone in the house and make them your slaves...” said Oscar.
“Ah... that’s a great idea Oscar...” said Bart laughing evilly.
Bart had a itchy leg from his cast.
He rang a bell. Lisa came in tired and stuck a toothbrush down his leg cast to scratch his itch.
He later rang his bell and Marge exhausted brought him a big ice cream Sunday.
Then at four in the morning Homer made him chocolate pudding. Because he-
“No Rugrats four in the morning jokes!” Bart whined.
“Fine...” said Oscar.
“But watching late night TV seems like a great idea...” said Bart.
He stayed up late watching Westerns laughing and eating chocolate pudding. Then because he was full and couldn’t eat anymore pudding Homer screamed the house down.
”(Homer screaming while we cut to the outside of the house.)”
The next day. Bart is sat outside in a deck chair watching everyone swim. They all sign his cast in sympathy. Milhouse signs it Milpool with a squiggly line. Oscar signed it with the word TARDIS.
Lisa thinks she should be company for poor Bart but everyone suddenly being her friend because of the pool convinces her otherwise to just ignore him.
Lisa then takes part in a synchronised swim. Bart gets fed up from watching everyone have fun so he goes inside.
”What’s the point if every time I have a bath I have to wear a bin bag taped around my cast...” said Bart.
Meanwhile Lisa boast to her brain that she doesn't need it anymore because she has friends, including a posh kid who I think is Rex who called Miss Hoover a sanctimonious cow because he didn’t get the lead role as George Washington. However he has had a redesign.
”Lisa please join my family for the weekend in the country. There will be horse racing and charades and ever so delightful romantic misunderstandings.” said the posh kid.
Then a blond kid tried to drown Lisa.
”Why (spluttering) why would you do that?!” yelled Lisa.
The blond boy laughed like Beavis and Butthead.
Rex pulled Lisa’s lilo about while she lied on it relaxing. Also Rex looks like Oogtar.
Lisa was enjoying herself.
”Remember body, we have algebra homework to do!” said Lisa’s brain to herself.
”Shut up brain! I have friends now! I don’t need you no more!” said Lisa.
However... "Martin's got his own pool! And he's invited everyone!" Milhouse explains. Everyone gets out and goes to Martin's. However this drains the pool of water somehow leaving Lisa trapped.
"Well, look who's come crawling back..." Lisa's brain says smugly to her.
Lisa then goes to Bart's room. He's playing with his plastic soldiers in the dark.
”I swear I don’t know where the bombs are! Only the miners know that!”
”Then perhaps this will loosen your tongue!”
”No! It burns! Oh god! No!”
"Bart?" Lisa asks turning on the lights.
"Turn out that light!" Lisa turns the lights off again. "What o you want?"
"I'm seeing how you're doing.... Look I'm sorry you're stuck inside all day."
"Don't you have friends to play with?" Bart asks rudely.
"No they're all at Martin's." Lisa replies.
At Martin's, he lets too many kids in at once and they break to swimming pool, causing it to collapse.
"Nooooooo! My pool!" Martin cries. Everyone goes home. Martin stands there dejected until Nelson rips off his swimming trunks. He then sings while standing there naked.
"Heehee! I can see Martin's butt!" Oscar giggles.
One night Marge and Homer decide to go skinny dipping... However a spotlight appears. They scream and huddle.
It's revealed Chief Wiggum is spying on them from a police helicopter.
"Come on, keep swimming naked. Oh come on.... keep swimming!" Chief Wiggum begs.
At breakfast Homer walks to the kitchen but Bart in his wheelchair wheels past him.
”D’oh! And here I am using my legs like a simp!” Homer groaned.
”Homer! Bart is using a wheelchair because he was seriously injured! He fractured his leg! You don’t want to be stuck in a chair all the time...” Marge explained.
”Maybe I do Marge... maybe I do...” said Homer.
Bart is using his telescope that Grampa got him. However he can't find anything interesting except the beauty of space and comets and nebulae.
”Booooorrriiing...” said Bart.
Up in the attic Bart can hear fascinated growls. They are from the thing/Hugo watching the beauty of space and comets, nebulae, ufos etc from an old telescope Homer got Bart. “So beautiful... not like Hugo...” Hugo sighed.
”I’d rather use this to spy on people and the seedy underworld of Springfield.... Mwuhahahaha!” said Bart.
He saw Skinner at the school sharpening pencils.
Dr Hibbert exercising while watching TV.
”It turned out to be his evil twin.” said a guy on TV.
”Ahehehe!” Dr Hibbert laughed. You monster!
And the bloke from Rear Window.
”Grace, there is a sinister looking kid I want you to see...” said the man.
But he hears a horrible scream from the Flanders house. He sees Ned in an upscale room upset about something.
"Oh no! I've killed her!" Ned cries.
Bart gasps in horror.
"Bart don't make up stories! Remember when you tarred and feathered Grampa?" Marge doesn't believe Bart.
"Yes, I did it a few minutes ago..." Grampa comes in covered in tar and feathers.
"That son of yours ain't right!" Grampa yells at Homer before storming off.
“But I swear I heard Ned say he murdered a her...” said Bart.
“I think staying inside has rotted your brain...” said Lisa. “Look I’ll get out your wheelchair and wheel you around the garden.
“But everyone will see me in my jammies!” said Bart.
“Then get dressed! And take a shower... peeyeeew!” Lisa ranted.
“Homer we really need to covert the kid’s bathroom into a wash room for Bart...” Marge sighed.
“No.” Homer refused. “I’m not made of money Marge...
Lisa then spends some time with Bart.
"You believe me Lis?" Bart asks.
"Then go and dig up some evidence while Ned's out!" Bart explains. "And nick some ice cream if he has any."
"Bart I'm not breaking into people's houses!" Lisa yells.
"Ok, ok. Let's just listen to my play." Bart sighs. He reads his awful play. "Kippers for breakfast already? Is it St. Swiven's day already?" "'Tis! Replied Aunt Helga..." Bart reads in a funny voice.
"Ok! I'm going! I'm going!" Lisa yells as she goes off to snoop in the Flanders house. Bart smirks as she goes out of his room.
Oscar giggles. "That was funny! Read the rest of it in funny voices!"
Bart rolls his eyes.
Lisa looks around the Flanders house. She finds a frozen head in the refrigerator.
Bart gasps in horror. However it's just a frozen head of cabbage. Ned then comes back.
"Lisa get out!" However she goes upstairs. "No not upstairs! You'll get trapped!" Bart gaps. Ned is inside with an axe singing hymns.
Bart frightened rang the Springfield police department rescue phone. But he got an annoying automated message thing.
”If you know the name of the felony committed, press one.... if you would like a list of felonies press two...” Bart nervously drummed his fingers on his desk. “If you are being murdered or are using a rotary phone, please stay on the line...” XD! Bart grunted annoyed and typed some numbers in. “You have selected regicide. If you know the king or queen being murdered press three...”
”It’s Queen Victoria!” yelled Oscar.
Bart annoyed put the phone down.
”Oz you are not helping!” Bart groaned.
He watched as Ned went upstairs.
”No Lisa! You’ll get trapped!” Bart yelled.
"Cast or no cast! I must save Lisa!" However he gets his leg stuck in his bin. "D'oh!" He grunts.
"Bin or no bin!" He limps downstairs. Eventually he's limping across the lawn in his pyjamas with various things stuck to his leg and bin. He arrives at the Flanders witheven more things, including an angry dog whose leash got stuck. Meanwhile Lisa is trapped in the attic as Ned goes to open it.
Lisa looks around Ned’s attic. She hears an eerie groan and gasps because there is a neglected freakish twin of Rod!
”No Author!” Lisa sighed.
”Grrrrrrr.... I am Geoff Flanders... Help me...” the neglected evil twin groaned.
Lisa rolled her eyes.
Bart gets upstairs and just as Ned puts his axe away, which looks threatening to Bart, Bart screams "Noooooooooo!"
"Great googily moogly! Bart! Lisa? What are you two doing here?"
"Trying to stop you from murdering Lisa like you murdered your wife!" Bart yells.
"Murdered?! Ooooohhh..." Ned faints.
Outside the police are gathering evidence because someone stupidly called them. However Maude arrives alive and well.
"Oh I was away at Lovejoy's learning to be a better Christian." Maude explains.
"And my dark secret is that, I killed Maude's favourite plant by over watering it!" Ned explained. Everyone gasps. "I tried burying it so you wouldn't find out!" He says to Maude.
"But I heard a woman scream..." Bart explained.
"Now that I can't explain..." Ned scratches his head in confusion.
Lou arrives with a dead plant. "We found this buried in the yard Chief." Upon seeing his wife's dead plant Ned screams like a girl.
"Well, I guess that solves everything." Bart sighs.
"Except for Ned's girlish squeals! Ok Ned you are officially weird in my book now..." Homer squints at Ned.
- The title is a reference to the novel Heart of Darkness.