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Bart Wars The writers received letters asking for a Star Wars themed episode and try various things to satisfy the fans. Then Homer becomes a bodyguard for the mayor.

Plot[]

There is a Star Wars title sequence and a lemony voiced narrator is discussing that us the fans wanted a Star Wars themed episode. There are clips from other episodes featuring Star Wars references and clips from the episode this is based on. (Mayored to the Mob)

The narrator suggests that at first they redubbed episodes with Star Wars voices.

During the events of Dog of Death... The family are discussing their finances and Marge is explaining they need to make sacrifices.

"Homer you'll have to stop drinking beer for a while." said Marge.

Homer screamed.

"I know it's tough dear..." Marge sighed. "Bart, you'll have to give up your Jedi lessons."

"No way man!" said Bart. "I love the Star Wars Trilogy!"

Marge in Darth Vader's voice. "Do as you are told!! I am your mother!"

Bart hugged his chair in shock. "No! That's not true! That's impossible!" he screamed.

"Search your feelings, you know it be true!" said Marge Vader.

"Nooooooooo! No!" Bart cried.

.........

The scene cuts with the writer explaining that didn't work so they hired two well known Star Wars characters to do running commentary. A scene of C3PO and R2D2 fighting the Cylons was redubbed with Chewie growling and R2D2 whistling and beeping.

The narrator explained that didn't work either.

"Gee I hope someone got fired for that!" said Doug in a clip from The Last Temptation of Homer.

The narrator then said they'd decided on a clipshow of Star Wars gags from the series.

A clip from I Married Marge showing Homer leaving the cinema with Marge while they were dating.

"You are as beautiful as Leia and as wise as Yoda." Homer said to Marge.

She sighed romantically and snogged him.

Then a clip of Lisa getting a makeover at the hair dressers. One of the hairstyles chosen was Princess Leia's cinnamon buns...

Then from 'Round Springfield when ghost Bleeding Gums Murphy appeared as a cloud to speak to Lisa.

"Luke, I am your father!" said Darth Vader.

Then from Mayored to the Mob.

"Homer, use the force..." said Luke Skywalker.

"The force?" Homer asked.

"The forks! Use the forks!" Luke explained.

Then a scene from the Homer Files.

Bart as an alien with eyes on springs glasses. "I'm an alien! From your anus!"

Then the ending from Bart the General where he is in the library.

"There are no winners, only losers." Bart explained. "And war is neither cool or glamorous. Except World War One, Two and the Star Wars trilogy. Peace out folks! Losers!"


Then the narrator said they decided on this episode packed with more Star Wars references! Enjoy!

...

There is a Star Wars themed title sequence. Bart is on Dagobah writing lines for Yoda as a punishment. The lines read: "I will not use the force to give people wedgies." Bart is dressed as Luke Skywalker. A school bell rings and he runs outside and gets in his X Wing and flys away.

Meanwhile Homer as Darth Vader is observing his workers when a siren goes off and he runs off to drive home thinking his day at work is finished.

Mr Burns as Darth Sideous checks his watch.

Lisa as Leia is playing an alien saxophone like instrument. Mr Largo as one of the Catina aliens angrily dismisses her from music class.

Marge is Mon Mothma at a rebellion meeting with Maggie. She is then dismissed by Admiral Ackbar and goes home.

Bart skateboards through Mos Eisley annoying various aliens and characters such as a sand person tusken raider, Boba Fett, a jawa etc.

Marge Mon Mothma and Maggie are driving home but are being shot at by Homer Vader.

They then arrive at the Simpsons house as a Tatooine underground house, like the Lars homestead and go inside with Darth Vader Homer screaming and nearly getting ran over by Marge's spaceship. They go inside.

The couch gag is them sitting on the couch in their Star Wars costumes while the imperial death March plays.

...

Bart and Homer are watching Star Trek XII: So very tired which features very old versions of the characters clearly too old to be still acting.

"Joints hurting. I try to talk. But, no one, listens." said Captain Kirk.

"Captain! I'm picking up Romulan ships on the scanner, or I'm going dolally! Where's my cat?" said old Uhura clearly going mad with old age.

"I cannae reach the controls captain!" said Scotty, because he was too fat!

Suddenly the episode was interrupted by cartoon aliens advertising a Bi monthly science fiction convention called Bi-Sci-Fi-Con. Star Wars actor Mark Hamill would be there and Alf the alien and more.

"Cooooool!" said Bart.

Then there was a fight between Star Wars robots C3PO and R2D2 vs the Cylons from Battle Star Galactica. The narrator referred to C3PO and R2D2 as the gay robots from Star Wars.

C3PO was being beaten up pretty badly and R2D2 wouldn't help him.

"You stupid little robot! I hate you!" Yelled C3PO as he was being beaten up by the Cylons.

Then the aliens came back on.

"Be there or be square..." said the alien.

The commercial ended and Star Trek came back on.

"Eh, beats work." said Homer.

"Eh beats school." said Bart.

...

Very early the morning of the convention Homer snuck out with Bart, Hugo and Oscar because this was a work/school day.

Hugo was still barefoot and wearing tattered clothes, with his hair completely dirty and unbrushed.

"If your mother finds out, it was Bart's idea." Homer smirked.

They go to the convention. There were people in costumes and stalls. Some were shops, some were budding artists asking for commissions and some had stars at them signing autographs.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Oscar yelled. "Look! It's Doctor who! Tom Baker!" He ran off the queues in front of the table Tom Baker was at.

"Who is Tom Baker?" Hugo inquired.

"Hi Homer!" said Homer's nerd friends from college.

Bart and Hugo went to see the original Dr Smith from Lost in Space.

"Hey I watched that Lost in Space movie and you're not Dr Smith..." said Bart rudely.

"Oh the pain! The pain of it all!" said Dr Smith.

"Hahaha! You still have it Dr Smith!" said the robot from Lost in Space.

"Silence you nickel plated nitwit!" Dr Smith yelled at the robot. Then he spoke to Bart. "Boy I assure you I am the real deal and will be willing to show you my resume if you'll meet me later in the food court!"

"Danger danger! Bart Simpson!" yelled the robot warning him possibly of Dr Smith's motives...

Bart and Hugo ran away.

Meanwhile Comic Book Guy was dealing with a lady handing back water damaged Lulu comics and loudly complaining that someone mixed up the Spider-Man and Amazing Spider Man comics together.

"How much for these water damaged Lulu's?" the lady asked.

"First up that is not water that's diet Mr Pibb and- Oooooh!" Comic book guy fell in love with her because she was wearing braces. Yeeeuck!

"How do you feel about middle aged men who still live in their mother's basement reading comics?" said Comic Book Guy trying to woo her.

"Comb the sweet tarts out of your beard and you're on honey!" The lady was attracted to him. Yuck!

"Don't try to change me babe." said Comic Book guy.


...

Then was the main attraction. Mark Hamill! He got out of a fake spaceship and knocked over some cardboard cutouts of storm troopers with his lightsabre.

Mark Hamill made a speech and asked for someone to come up on stage and volunteer for a mock lightsabre battle or something.

"Pick me! Pick me! I've waited my whole life for this!" whined Lenny.

"No I am the most nerdy with force and the Obi Wan save me! And the thwing thwing..." said Professor Frink.

"I'll show you how to Thwing!" said Willie punching him. This started a massive fight.

"Oh heavens! This calls for my alter ego Batman!" said Mayor West. However the violent crowd knocked him over. "Oh heavens! I'm a tomato!" He said having a nosebleed.

"Oh geez! The mayor is down! Where are the mayoral body guards?!" said Quimby.

Outside the mayor's bodyguards were outside relaxing.

"That cloud looks just like Bleeding Gums Murphy." said a bodyguard.

Up in the sky...

"Sure, looks like..." said the cloud form Bleeding Gums Murphy looking shifty.

...

"Dad do something!" Bart begged Homer. Homer had just the idea.

He punched his way through the crowd to get to Mark Hamill and the mayor.

"Luke! Can you walk?" Homer asked.

"I'm Mark Hamill! Luke's just my character! And no! I think I've sprained my ankle!" said Mark.

"Never mind! I'll get us out of here!" said Homer. He picked up Mark Hamill. "Come on Mr Mayor! Mayor West followed him onto the fake spaceship.

some moments later Homer left the spaceship. "How was I supposed to know it was fake..." He groaned. He punched and kicked his way through the fighting nerds to the fire door.

Homer got out with Mark Hamill and the Mayor.

"Thank you Homer! How can I ever repay you?" said Mayor West.

"Well, I've always wanted to be gigantic and made of gold..." said Homer.

Marge then pulled up with Maggie in tow.

"Homer Jay Simpson! Why are you cutting work and letting our sons cut school?!" yelled Marge angrily. "The principal called wondering why Bart and Hugo weren't on the bus this morning?!"

"What about Oscar?" Homer asked.

"Eh. He's not our problem." said Marge.

.....

Meanwhile, Mayor West had some strong winds of his own to say to his bodyguards. He was joined by his predecessor Quimby.

"You two! Where were you when my life was in danger?!" Adam demanded.

"You asked us to wait outside and relax." said the bodyguards.

"As your former boss I am mad at you too! You morons!" said Quimby.

"Joe please, I'll handle this." said Mayor West. "You two are fired!"

"Fired? Who will you get to take a bullet for you?" asked a bodyguard.

"Or get their genitals hooked up to a car battery by a Russian mafia boss?" said the other bodyguard.

"I'm Batman! I don't need bodyguards! And uh I'll hire this guy!" he pointed to Homer.

"Woohoo!" yelled Homer.

"Homer I don't think you-" Marge explained.

"I said Woohoo..." said Homer.

Marge sighed.

...

At home.

Marge was on the phone with Smithers.

"Homer that was the plant. They say if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday."

"Woohoo! Four day weekend!" said Homer.

"No Dad! That means you'll be fired. You won't be coming in ever again..." Lisa pointed out.

"Oh well, I've always wanted to be a bodyguard. Ever since I saw that film with Whitney Houston and Kevin Kostner..." said Homer.

Marge sighed.

...

Homer quit his job the next day despite being banned from doing so after he quit to work at Barney's bowlerama. And turned up at the bodyguard classes.

The teacher was a strict southerner.

"You answer to me and no one else! Not to yer country, not to God, not to Moo-hammed!"

Moo-hammed! Hehehe! - Oscar.

Mr southerner please! They're still extremely mad at us!- A bodyguard school assistant.

"Not even during Ramadan?" Homer asked.

"Shut your s'asshole boy!" said the southern teacher.

They then did exercises. One of them was to take a bullet for a watermelon. Homer's was named Ann Landers. XD

“That watermelon is a boring old biddy!” Oscar yelled.

Everyone gasped horrified.

"This watermelon is the mayor and or celebrity you are guarding and-" Homer was eating it. "Homer?! Are you eating the Mayor!?" the Southern teacher asked.

"D'oh!" Homer groaned.

"Drop down and give me twenty!" demanded the teacher.

......

They tried it again with a fresh watermelon. This time Homer didn't eat it.

They took turns trying to protect it. It was Homer's turn.

"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!" shouted Homer half-heartedly while diving in front of it.

"That was terrible! Your nooooo! wasn't loud enough! That nooooo! is what gets you your job!" the teacher scolded him. "Now drop and give me thirty!"

"Noooooooooo!" Homer screamed.

"Even better!" said the southern teacher proudly.

.......

At the end of the course he gave everyone a dressing down.

"Ladies and gentlemen you are the most sorrowful clique I've ever met! You're not fit to guard a Russian rock band!" ranted the teacher. "But you passed all the classes so you all graduate!"

Everyone cheers.

Plot 2[]

At home Homer, was now a fully fledged bodyguard. He was in his suit wearing sunglasses and a personal comms device to discreetly call for back up.

He suddenly tackled Marge.

"Cat!" He yelled while tackling her. Snowball II hissed and ran away scared.

"Homer! Please! I know you're really excited about your new job! But please!" Marge told him off.

"The chicken is in the oven." He says in his comms device.

"Homer..." Marge sighs.

”Mmmmmmm! Chicken...” Oscar moaned and drooled.

"Cool! Can you do that shoulder pinch thing! Can you?" Bart asked.

Lisa started boring everyone with a lecture. Homer did the shoulder pinch on them knocking them both out.

"Homer! I don't want you doing that to our children!" Marge nagged. Homer did the shoulder pinch to her too, knocking her out.

"Hmmmm, its an hour till dinner. Oh well." He tried to give himself the shoulder nerve pinch and fell over and hit his head on the table. "D'oh!" He yelled in pain.

...

He then took Mayor West to were he wanted to go. They went to Moe's. Moe offered West a bribe to waive any potential health inspections. But the money crawled away on tiny legs as there were roaches under it. Moe took the money and smashed the poor roaches and gave West his money. Moe was quite annoyed the new mayor wasn't a drinker. Mayor West had ordered orange juice.

Homer however drank for the two of them.

Meanwhile Grandma Jacqueline visited.

”Mom!” said Marge hugging her.

Jacqueline hugged her daughter. “I see Homer’s out...” She felt Marge could have done better and some things Homer did, annoyed her but she was far more supportive than Patty and Selma.

”Yeah he’s the mayor’s bodyguard now.” said Marge.

Jacqueline hugged her grandchildren. Then because she felt it was a little chilly she had one of her over bearing grandma moments. Like Jewish grandmas but I think it’s a thing with all grandmas. Lisa wanted to go out without a sweater because she felt it was too warm. Grandma Jacqueline felt it was too nippy to go without a sweater or jacket.

”But Grandma! Global warming-“ Lisa protested softly.

“I don't care about climate change! Put on a sweater before you catch a cold.” Grandma Jacqueline said sternly.

Lisa complied and put a sweater on.

...

At home Homer regaled all the things that happened on his job.

“We went to Krusty Burger and they gave the mayor a double double! I had the double double double!” Homer had a burger with six patties basically.

"And then we went to the Kwik e mart and Apu gave him lots of change!" said Homer.

Lisa had another rant. "Dad! Don't you see?! That was bribe money! The people here are really corrupt and-" Homer used the shoulder pinch on her and knocked her out.

"Homer!" Marge yelled.

...

Homer went on another job. Mayor West took him to Fat Tony.

Homer was speaking to Legs.

"So how do you get a name like Legs..." asked Homer.

"Well, its a long story..." said Legs.

During the meeting Homer needed the bathroom. However he went in the wrong room and found rats being milked!

"Milking rats! Homer screamed.

"Oooooh! Narf! I don't know why I'm here! I'm a male! Narhahaha arf!" Pinky laughed as he was being milked...

"What is going on- great Caesar's ghost!" Mayor West gasped.

"Gentlemen, please, perhaps we can come to an arrangement..." Fat Tony tried to sweet talk the mayor.

"Fat Tony, you've messed with the wrong Mayor! For I am Batman!" said the mayor turning into Batman.

"B-b-b-Batman?!" The curly haired monster stuttered.

"We're no match for no costumed yutz! Let's get outta here!" said Legs. They ran away.

"Wait for me boys!!" Fat Tony ran after them.

"Now to call the proper authorities." said Batman/Mayor West.

“You’re boring! I’d have taken a bribe! Don’t wanna make you mad Mr mobster!” Quimby trembled at the sight of Fat Tony.

“And that’s why you’re no longer Mayor... Homer said annoyed at Quimby,

The cops arrived and shut the operation down. However Wiggum explained some of the milk was already heading to clients. Namely Springfield Elementary.

"My kid's school!" Homer gasped.

"To the Batmobile!" Mayor West yelled.

"Your limo?" Homer asked.

There was a pause. "Yes..." said the mayor.

...

It was lunch time at the school. Bart was drinking a carton of rat milk. Yeeeuck! Homer ran in and knocked the carton from him.

"Hey! I traded my maths book for that!" Bart yelled.

Lisa then turned up also drinking rat milk! Aaaaaghhh! And so was Hugo.

"Hi daddy! Eeee!" She tried to kiss him.

"Eeeeew!" Homer groaned. "Kids, I don't want you drinking anymore milk! Ever!"

"Why?" Bart asked.

"Because it's rat's milk! Milk from rats!" Homer explained.

"Eeeeeeeeeew! Bleh!" Bart, Hugo and Lisa yelled in disgust and spat out what little of the milk was still in their mouths.

"Well, my job is done here! Come on Homer!" said Mayor West.

"Okay, but should I take my kids to the doctor?" Homer asked as he followed the mayor out.

“What about me? Can I still drink the milk?” Milhouse asked.

“Sure, you’re not my kid.” said Homer.

“Alright!” Milhouse cheered and drank the rat milk.

“Eeeeew!” Homer groaned.

...

At home, Oscar was watching a film.

“Oh my god! His corpse is climbing the building!” a man screamed.

“I’m not dead you idiot!” said another guy.

“Shows over, the news is on.” said Homer putting the news on.


Fat Tony was on the news being arrested. Kent interviewed him. He only had to say that he was declaring a vendetta upon the mayor and Homer Simpson.

Lisa read an Italian to English dictionary and gasped. "It means revenge!"

"Homer! You could be killed!" Marge gasped.

"So could the mayor! They're planning to whack him too!" said Homer.

...

Homer was called out by Mayor West for dinner at a fancy restaurant.

"I'm not so sure Mr Mayor! Can't you stay in tonight?" Homer asked.

"Nonsense! Batman fears nothing! Besides I've brought Burt Ward with me and a cat crossbow!" said Mayor West carrying a crossbow that fired cats at people. "My ex girlfriend recommended it. Here she is now."

The crazy cat lady ranted at them in gibberish.

They went to the restaurant. There was a show on starring Mark Hamill called Guys and Dolls. Below it was a sign reminding people the entree was steak and mashed potatoes and Mark Hamill was the guest performance...

Homer went in with the Mayor. He asked the waiter.

"Hello." said Homer.

"Yeeeeeees?" asked the waiter.

"Do you have a table for the mayor?" Homer asked.

"Why yeeeeeeeeees!" said the waiter.

"Why do you talk like that?!" Homer asked.

"I've had a stroooooke!" said the waiter. He guide them to their table.

However Homer noticed Fat Tony was there! Fat Tony grinned at Homer.

Mayor West was about to have a bite of his dinner.

"Noooooo!" Homer took the food and ate it. It was safe. "Potatoes safe, must be in the steak." He tried some of the mayor's steak. Mayor West was annoyed at him.

Homer then had words with Tony asking him to back off. He then went to check on the mayor.

"Fat Tony asked me to give you this." He kissed Mayor West well more like snogged him!

"You fool! That was the kiss of death!" said Mayor West.

"Wait! Maybe I didn't do it right!" Homer tried to kiss him again.

"Homer! Just be on the look out for any criminals. Especially the Joker..." said Mayor West.

...

Fat Tony was getting angry. He was giving instructions to the curly haired high voiced mobster.

"I want him dead. I want his wife dead! I want his children dead! I want his cat and his dog dead!" Fat Tony specified.

"What was that after the children?" the curly haired mobster asked.

"Just kill the mayor..." Fat Tony got frustrated.

The curly haired guy left to do his job. "You're not mad at me are you?" He asked.

Fat Tony glared at him.

Mark Hamill was performing.

Curly haired guy snuck on stage but was mistaken for a dancer by the director. He was shoved on stage to perform. Which he did so spectacularly.

However Mark Hamill was annoyed at him for stealing the show.

"Hey that was my bit you!" Mark ranted.

"Take a hike Luke! You didn't even finish Jedi school!" curly haired guy kicked Mark Hamill over and tried to throw a knife at the mayor but Homer tackled him.

"Give me that!" Homer yelled.

"No it's mine!" said the curly haired mobster.

They scuffled.

"For goodness sake Mark use your lightsabre!" said the director.

"What?! And risk breaking it?! You do realise George pays for these! If I broke it he'd be so mad!" said Mark Hamill.

Homer was then over powered and had a knife at his throat. He gulped.

"Homer, use the force!" said Mark.

"What?!" Homer asked.

"The forks! Use the forks!" said Mark. There were forks nearby on the floor.

"On." Homer took them and disarmed the curly guy and pinned his tie to a table which caused him to scream for some reason.

Meanwhile Fat Tony was battering the mayor with a baseball bat.

"Fat Tony..." Homer sighed in disappointment.

"What?" Fat Tony asked.

The cops arrested Fat Tony and his gang again and and ambulance came for the Mayor.

Homer was disappointed he couldn't protect the Mayor. Mark came to comfort him.

"Homer I just got words from the paramedics. The mayor's gonna be fine... just concussed." said Mark Hamill. "I just wanna say, you were awesome tonight and I'd be honoured if you were my bodyguard."

"Awwww thanks Mark. You were great too."

"Awww thanks. Would you say I was incandescent? Magnetic?" asked Mark.

"You were something Mark..." Homer sighed.

Mark Hamill took him out back but there was a crowd of screaming fans. "Oh dear... I think you know what to do Homer..."

Homer picked up Mark and carried him out kicking and punching the fans out of the way while And I will always love yoooouu by Whitney Houston played.

"Oh shoot! I forgot my lightsabre." said Mark Hamill.

Homer groaned and fought through the crowd to get back inside.

"Oh wait, here it is." Mark realised he had his lightsabre after all.

Homer groaned and fought through the crowd again.

The end!

Trivia[]

  • This episode makes references to Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who and Lost in Space.
  • It also references the Bodyguard starring Whitney Houston and Kevin Koster and Battle Star Galactica.
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