Bart Gets Drunk It's St Patrick's Day and it's one wild, chaotic one this year! During the drunken festivities Bart accidentally swallows a large volume of beer through his vuvuzela and gets drunk!
Bart and Lisa are on the school bus to school. Lisa's wearing a green dress. "Ha! You look silly!" Bart teases her.
"Funny, I don't feel silly..." Lisa smirked. They arrive at school and go in. However everyone is wearing green.
"Oh no! St Patrick's day!" Bart realises as his friends and other students rush him.
"That's St Paddy's, Boyo!" they reply as they bundle on him and pinch him. Especially the boy wearing pink shades.
"Why- Ow! Aren't- Quit it! You- Ow! Pinching Oscar? Ow! Milhouse! That really hurt!" Bart struggled to argue.
"Because he's already wearing green! Doofus!" Nelson replied. Oscar pointed to his green goggles.
"Oh yeah..." Bart sighed as everyone stopped pinching him.
"I don't even celebrate St Patrick's day! I'm English Guv!" Oscar replied. "I celebrate St George!"
"With your liberal PC government?!" Bart gasped.
"Yeah, like I care what those lovey dovey hippies think..." Oscar snarks.
Meanwhile at the retirement home.
"St Patrick's day huh? I remember when I kicked out all the Irish!" Abe Simpson ranted.
"And a fine job ye did, Laddie!" said an old Irish man.
Soon the celebrations begin. However everyone soon gets too drunk and they break into Kent Brockman's on site studio while he's broadcasting the news.
"People please! This is a private news studio!" Kent yelled. Everyone was breaking everything and causing chaos.
"Hi mom!" Lenny said drunkenly into the camera.
School then closed early and Bart went home to get changed into something green.
"Come on, Bart! You'll miss the parade!" Marge called down to him.
"Cool! Your mom from Homer's photographic memory is here!" said Oscar to Lisa as Bart came downstairs. He did finger quotes at "Photographic memory." Because Marge had green hair.
"Hrrrrrm!" Marge and Lisa sighed.
Eventually they arrived at the parade.
"Mom, can I get one of those horns?" Bart asked as a shop was selling vuvuzelas to the crowd.
"Fine, but don't annoy people with it." Marge gave him money to buy one.
Bart then used it to yell at people to move out of the way.
"Awooga! Will the owner of the ginormous butt please vacate the premise!" said Bart as he was behind a fat woman. He was trying to get to the front.
Then the Duff trucks with hoses manned by swimsuit ladies arrived.
"Bottoms up!" said Lenny as the ladies squirted Duff at them, however it missed and went down Bart's vuvuzela as he was trying to push through the crowd.
"(Spluttering) What the?! Ooooooh...." Bart spluttered as he ingested a large amount of beer. He then became drunk.
"Everyone, everyone get naked!" said Apu speaking through a megaphone. He was clearly drunk.
"Wow! Why not? This party's just getting started!" Kirk Van Hauton was about to strip off. However an old interfering lady interrupted.
"Stop this tomfoolery! That little boy is drunk!" yelled the old lady with a bun hairdo. Bart was drunkenly walking about hiccuping with pink eyes and dark eyelids. Everyone was embarrassed except Bart's friends who cheered.
"Yay! Go Bart!"
Meanwhile Homer was getting drunk in Moe's.
"Look at me! I'm the Prime minister of Ireland!" Homer slurred with a barrel on his head. His friends laughed.
"Hey, Homer isn't that your kid on the news?" Carl asked. Homer turned the barrel to see through its hole. Bart was drunk on TV.
Bart then lurched towards a news camera knocked over during the festival.
"What are you looking at?!" Bart sneered at the camera, however Marge pulled him away.
"I'll tell you what we're looking at young man! Yet another St Patrick's Day gone out of control thanks to alcohol!" Kent ranted from his trashed studio.
"Oh thanks boy! Now you've stirred up the whinging crowd!" Homer yelled at a very sick Bart as he was wrapped in a blanket sitting on the couch with a sick bucket. He was vomiting into it.
"Homer!" Marge scolded Homer. "It's Duff's fault Bart's sick! There was no need for alcohol at a St Patrick's festival! Why is Ireland and drunks such a big joke to America!?" Bart puked into his bucket. "That's it dear, you'll be better soon."
"Because... they invented alcohol! They're drunk all the time! And the Simpsons date back to the Irish..." Homer explained. "Besides everyone was having fun until Bart got drunk..."
"Hrrrmmmm!" Marge sighed.
"I'm never drinking again..." Bart groaned before puking again.
Maude, Helen and others stormed into Mayor Quimby's office.
"We demand you ban alchohol!" Maude yelled.
"Are you ladies mad?! such a law would be terribly unpopular! Why should I?!" Quimby asked rudely. His assistant whispered about an upcoming election. "Don't worry, no one has ever ran against Diamond Joe Quimby! Except that Sideshow Bob fellow..."
"Won't somebody please think of the children!" Helen Lovejoy cried.
"No Mr Mayor!" Homer yelled. He and all the town drunks stormed into the Mayor's office.
"And who are you people?! How dare you break into my office!" Quimby demanded an explanation.
"We're the town's drinkers! And I'm uh Bart's father..." Homer explained. The women booed. "Listen you dumb broads! You're not banning alcohol! It's our secret lover for when we need down time after work and stress from our bratty kids! If you try and ban it, we'll riot!"
"And if you don't, Quimby! We'll riot!" Maude argued.
"Everyone just get out!" Quimby demanded. Everyone left. "Riot... I'd like to see that..."
The next day Maude, Helen and the other protesters were marching down the street with signs demanding alcohol be banned. They marched to Moe's. However Homer and his friends came out and harassed them.
"Take a hike, you dumb broads!" Homer yelled. His friends jeered and threw beer glasses.
"Hey guys! Those are my only beer mugs!" Moe told them off for throwing glasses.
That evening Homer came home to an angry Marge.
"So we're just dumb broads..." Marge ranted.
"No! Well not you, baby..." Homer replied. They started arguing and Marge kicked him out.
Bart and his sisters were listening.
"Don't look at me, Bart! You started it this time!" Oscar replied.
"No, Dad started it..." Hugo retorted as he began chowing down another bucket of fish heads.
Some weeks later after Homer is allowed back the protests die down. Marge arranges a party with her friends and ex Doctor Hibbert. Everyone is dressed smartly, including Hugo who promptly messes up his spikes after Marge combed them.
Homer eats the little finger sandwiches. “Mmmmmmm! Horse D’oeuvers...”
The Flanders arrive first.
"This calls for my personal favourite, Flanders punch!" Ned mixes a drink and offers Homer some. However it doesn't taste of alcohol to him.
"Hey Flanders where's the booze?" Homer asked.
"Oh there's plenty in there! Vodka... tripel sec..." Ned explained. Homer then gets a buzz from the alcohol.
"Oooooh! There it is! I think I like this Flanders punch..." Homer grins.
"Homer, slow down on the alcohol..." Marge nags.
Everyone else soon arrives.
Homer pranks Dr Hibbert with a fly ice cube.
"Everything alright Doctor?" Marge asked.
"No, somebody has appeared to have added a novelty ice cube to my drink." Hibbert replies. "And you know I can't legally practice as a Doctor in Springfield any more, after that erm matter with Hugo..."
"Oh, that was me! Ha! You should have seen your face!" Homer laughs as Dr Hibbert hands over the cube.
"Homer, it would have been even more hygienic to use an actual fly in a real ice cube..." Dr Hibbert replied.
"Oh lighten up, Doc! Hahahaha! That's such a classic! Good one, Dad!" Bart laughed hysterically.
They had dinner. During which Bart moved the tiny sandwiches about so they spelt out “Our Party Sucks.”
However Homer's behavior got worse, he told off one of Marge's friends who he has never met before.
"I've been waiting to say this to you for ages! You stink! Your whole lousy operation stinks! I quit!" Homer rants.
"Homer we've just met! I go to Marge's book club!" The man explains.
Soon it was time for the kids to go to bed. However Homer was wearing a lampshade.
"Hey Bart! Do that dance..." Homer asked.
"What dance?" Bart asked.
"You know.... Ah... Go to bed..." Homer slurs. Then he decided to get some peanuts.
"Some peanuts please, Maude..." Homer asked.
"Oh sure." Maude gets him some peanuts.
"No the ones at the bottom, they're the best..." Homer whispers as he stares at her bare chest...
Marge is furious.
Later Homer dances drunk and pulls down a lamp and causes a cacophony. Everyone is embarrassed.
Hugo hissed because the lamp breaking startled him.
"Hrrrmmmm! Homer! Go to bed! You're drunk!" Marge yells.
"I'm not drunk! I'm just... Ah nuts I'll just go to sleep here..." he falls asleep in the middle of the living room. Marge is embarrassed.
Everyone went home.
”Marge if you want Homer to live through the night and not choke on his vomit, turn him on his side.” said Dr Hibbert.
”Yes Dr.” said Marge.
”I said If...” Dr Hibbert added sharply as if he wouldn’t blame her if she left Homer to suffocate in his drunken sleep.
The next day Marge wakes Homer up while vacuuming the carpet by clonking the vacuum cleaner into his head. “Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay! Okay! I’m up...”
They argue again. But Marge insists they argue in the car with the music on loud.
”I always hated my parents arguing. So they argued with the car radio on.” said Marge.
”They’re arguing again...” said Lisa as the kids watched from the living room.
"You can stay at home from church today with Bart and explain why you scarred him for life!" Marge yelled.
"I did not! Oh you mean emotionally..." Homer replied. "Fine, I ain't joining you at boring old church, Jesus's blood was wine anyway..."
Marge grumbled and went upstairs.
Later in Hugo and Bart's room.
"Bart, you may have noticed daddy acting funny last night..." Homer explained like he was a toddler.
"Yeah you were wasted! Ha!" Bart laughed.
"Yeah but you're mother thinks you were traumatized by it and that I should apologise and teach you something about alcohol not being fun yada yada..." Homer droned on.
"Are you kidding?! No! If you were hitting everyone then yeah, but last night you were hilarious! Especially when you pulled the lamp over!" Bart laughed hysterically.
"Well, we're supposed to be at church now..." Homer replied.
"Do we have to?!" Bart whined.
"With those hypocrites?! No of course not! You know Jesus's blood was wine..." Homer refused to go to church.
"Cool! Now I can live out my life long dream!" Bart yelled.
Homer was about to ask.
"Don't, seriously, you don't want to know what his life long dream is..." Oscar explained as he came into Bart's room brushing his teeth. He was still in his pyjamas.
Marge and Lisa, Maggie and Hugo came home. Marge was furious.
"Marge I-" Homer started.
"Don't talk to me. You didn't turn up to church..." Marge went upstairs in a mood.
"What's her problem?" Homer asked.
"Hrrrrrmmm..." Lisa grumbled.
That evening Marge went to see the Lovejoys, the Flanders were there too. And an arguing couple who were on the verge of ending their marriage called Gloria and um her husband.
"Oh hello Marge, come in." Reverend Lovejoy let her in. "Jessica, you better not be planning to sneak out! You're grounded young lady for a month!" He yelled up to his daughter.
Jessica was in her room which was now a shrine to killing Bart Simpson. She was writing a revenge plot against Bart.
Downstairs the Lovejoys, Flanderses and Marge were talking about that St Patrick's celebration and Homer's behavior.
Then Gloria and her husband talked.
"I'm here because John can't cut it in the bedroom anymore. Not that I want his cold oppression and odour of booze pressed against me." said Gloria.
"That's enough, Gloria!" said Gloria's husband.
"Now now! It's your turn now." said Reverend Lovejoy.
"She uses profanity around the house, she brings back men to the house! She doesn’t cook! She's queen of the harpies!" said John. Gloria tried to argue. "Queen of the harpies! Here's your crown your majesty! Queen of the harpies!" The argument got heated.
Marge was embarrassed. Me and Homie aren't that bad!?
Reverend Lovejoy asked John and Gloria to look each other in the eyes. They instantly fell in love again.
Ned suggests he be Homer's Buddy at Moe's so he can monitor his drinking. However Homer convinces him to have one drink.
"Ok, one blackberry schnapps..." Ned asks Moe.
Later Ned goes to bed inebriated.
"Ned did you call Ann Landers like I asked you to?" Maude asked.
"Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!" Ned drunkenly replied. Maude gasped at his behavior.
Marge and Maude realised their plan didn't work so they enrolled Homer and Ned in an Alcoholics Anonymous class with Bart.
"But I never want to drink ever again anyway!" Bart explained.
"I know dear. You're their coach. You're there to keep them on task." Marge explained.
At the class everyone explained why they were there and their problem. Homer didn't pay attention and even mocked some of the people.
Next was Bart's turn.
"I'm Bartholomew Jojo Simpson; formerly conjoined twin brother of Hugo, and I have two younger sisters. I'm only ten years old but I had my first drink unintentionally at St Patrick's day after accidentally swallowing Duff that got squirted into my vuvuzela during the festival. I spent the rest of the afternoon very sick. I never want to go through that experience again..." Bart broke down tearfully towards the end.
Everyone except Homer gave a sympathetic Awwwww!
Homer then in a bored tone told his story. However he was in denial of his problems as he just saw drinking as a past time and to alleviate stress.
Ned then told the story of him calling Ann Landers an old biddy again.
They then did um whatever activities they do at Alcoholics Anonymous...
However Homer went home seeing it as a waste of his time. He spent dinner complaining about it.
"And why is Bart even going! He never even wants to drink again ever anyway!" Homer ranted.
"I'm there to set an example! You can get clean like me if you actually try Dad..." Bart replied.
"There's nothing wrong with my drinking..." Homer replied.