Barry Trotter aka Barry Trotter and the Philosopher's bone. Bart and Lisa go to quadrangle Alley to get their wizarding materials.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Bart and Lisa receive letters from Principal Skinner reminding them of their transfer over to wizard school. They prepare to go to Quadrangle Alley, a hidden street that Mayor Quimby forgot to map.

"So how are we magic again?" Bart asks.

"It says usually magic blood children inherit their powers from magic blood parents. However it's possible for wizards and witches to be born of non magical parents. The colloquial term being Nomaj. And it's possible the other way round, for magic bloods to produce a Nomaj." Lisa explained.

"Are you always such a knowitall?" Bart rolls his eyes. They eventually arrive at their destination.

“Oh boy! Magic school! Cooooool beans!” Oscar was enthusiastic about magic school.

"Listen up, kids. We first have to get your wands." Marge explains. They go to the wand shop and by a wand each. Their wands are black with white tips like a magician's wand.

Harry Potter’s first wane he tried exploded in his face leaving him with a blackface and offending Lisa.

The wand shopkeeper was John Hurt from Alien.

Bart winced.

Next they have to buy their spell books and other reading materials.

"Reading!? Awww man!" Bart groans. They buy a copy of "My First Book of Spells" each.

Next they buy their uniforms. Then inks and quills. Then telescopes for astronomy class. Then cauldrons, pester and mortars, vials, tweezers, scalpels and other potion class materials.


The following Monday they are picked up by Otto driving the school bus. He printed "The Magic School Bus" on the side of it.

"The magic school bus?!" Bart asks dumbfounded.

"Yeah I totally dig Ms Frizzle!" Otto does hand gestures. They sit down near their friends. Bart next to Milhouse. Lisa next to Janey. Eventually they arrive at school. There is a short assembly before they are dismissed to class.


Mrs Krabappel teaches transfiguration. They're doing a theory class to get them started. Bart gets bored and falls asleep.

"Bart if you miss this lesson you're gonna be stuck later on when we start learning spells..." Mrs Krabappel sighs as he snores loudly.

Lisa frowned at Bart. For some odd reason in the Harry Potter spoof timeline the school just lumps all the main characters together in one class regardless of what year they’re in.


After transfiguration they learn charms with Miss Hoover. They are learning how to levitate a feather. The spell is "Flutterfly!"

"Flutterfly!" Lisa successfully casts the spell.

"Excellent work Lisa!" Miss Hoover praises her. Suddenly an explosion erupts from Ralph's desk. He miscasted and blew up his feather. "Ralph, since we have no spare feathers, lay your head down on your desk and sleep for the rest of the lesson..."

“Oh boy! Sleep! That’s where I’m a lumberjack! Or a firefighter!” said Ralph joyfully before going to sleep on his desk. Lisa winced at his silliness.

“Bart your turn now.” said Miss Hoover.

“Flutter fly!” said Bart. His feather was a little stubborn.

Bart eventually got his feather to float, but directed it towards Oscar and tickled him with it.

Oscar is laughing hysterically. "S-s-stop! That tickles!"

"Bart, don't tickle students..." Ms Hoover sighs. "Other than that good work."


They then have recess followed by flying lesson. Bart shows off by doing loop de loops and corkscrews on his broom.

"Ach! You wee beasty! Get down at once and pay attention!" Willie scolds him. Bart sighs and does as he's told.

Eventually it's home time. Jimbo and the bullies are discussing Milhouse's potion exploding in his face.

"That was gnarly!" Kerne replies.

"Your face is still covered in soot, Milhouse..." Bart passes him a handkerchief.

“Let him stay like that Bart. It offends Lisa! Hehehehe!” said Oscar as Lisa glared at him.

“Um no. Milhouse clean your face, buddy.” said Bart.


The following lessons visited are potions with professor Frink where they learn how to make a hiccuping potion. However Bart doesn't mix his potion correctly. He used too much powdered unicorn horn and his potion exploded and covered everything in green slime. Including himself.

"Oops..." Bart comments, breaking the silence. Everyone has to be hosed off after class.

Next is defensive magic. Principal Skinner teaches a basic defensive spell. Kerzap. However Bart and Nelson start zapping each other with it before they're told to practice and are kicked out of class.

"Great, thanks Nelson..." Bart sighs as they're both covered in welts from the spell.


"Astronomy is always a night lesson. However Bart's always asleep in that lesson..." Lisa explains as Bart's snoozing.

"History of Magic is a real snoozefest too... (yawns)" Bart explains as he writes down notes.

"I love Herbo-Herv-Plant lesson! We get to grow things!" Ralph explains.

"Yeah... biting tulips..." Bart adds as a biting tulip bites Milhouse on the nose.


At home Bart is reading a comic before bed while Oscar's studying his spell book.

"Do you ever stop studying?" Bart asks. "I can't stand living with two nerds..."

"Bart, this is magical school. Not boring regular school. It's fun! Well it will be when we start learning the cool stuff!" Oscar explained.

"School is still school..." Bart groans.

"Well I want to learn all magic so I can be the greatest sorcerer in the world!" Oscar explained. Luckily he had the time and access to different worlds that taught magic to do so.

"Boys it's time for bed. Night night!" Marge turns out Bart's light.

“Night mom.” said Bart sleepily.

“Night Mrs Simpson.” said Oscar sleepily.


At School Oscar and Lisa are checking out the bulletin board for extra curricular classes and clubs.

"Oh there's still a music class with Mr Largo!" Lisa explains. Overjoyed she can still learn how to play the saxophone.

"Oh! Art class, magical dodgeball (Bombardment!)..., oh and transfer student." Oscar reads the board.

"That's what you were looking for wasn't it, Oscar. To learn all sorts of magic, you can do that by visiting different schools. And when you graduate you can travel to different countries and learn their magic!" Lisa explained.

"Like Voodoo! I always wanted to learn that..." Bart butts in.

"Bart I'm not just gonna learn things because they're cool..." Oscar sighs.

"Besides, you don't mess with forces you don't understand. Remember those zombies?" Lisa gives him a boring lecture.

"Yes..." Bart sighs.


At lunch everyone breaks out in song about Springwarts, the school of magical mayhem. Then at the end of the song, Principal Skinner uses amnesia dust on the fourth wall.


At home Oscar's packing his things for student transfer. His first location is a famous wizarding school in England. Hogwarts.

"See you soon Oscar." Bart waves him goodbye at the airport. "Good riddance..."


Bart and a few troublemaking students fly through the school until Billy the wizard from that Wii game challenges them to a race.

"Fine. But can you even fly that thing?" Bart asks as Billy's broom is out of control.

"Yes..." Billy replies, he then goes flying into a wall with a sickening crunch.

"I guess not..." Bart sighs.


One afternoon Bart got caught by Willie trying to enter the forbidden corridor.

“Stay out of there wee laddie! That’s where the Philosopher’s bone is kept!” said Willie.

“What’s that?” Bart asked.

“They say a five hundred year old philosopher had a magic shin bone that had been used for centuries to stir potions, the mightiest of potions! But now it’s a chew toy for a giant monstrous three headed mutt!” said Willie.

Bart winced at the thought of a Giant three headed dog in the school.


Sometime over the holidays Oscar returns.

"Hmmm, this magical world is missing something..." Bart ponders.

"Dragons?" Oscar asks.

"No, too cliched." Bart replied.

"I got it! A bad guy!" Oscar yelled. Bart nodded. "How about Mr Burns?"

Meanwhile Mr Burns had now taken up the role of Lord Montymort, a powerful evil wizard who just does things to be evil. And Smithers becomes his python henchman, Slithers. An expy of Nagini.

"Excellent! But what else, oh great narrator?" Montymort asks. "Just you wait..." He mutters to himself.

Oh and you live in an evil castle, you have a wailing wall of victims' souls, including Comic Book Guy and Krusty. And your latest evil plan is to infiltrate Springwarts to find the Philospher's bone.

"Excellent!" Montymort 'Excellents' as he finds himself in an evil castle with all the modcons an evil sorcerer requires. "Slithers! To Springwarts! That's Springfield Elementary right?"

"Yes sir..." Slithers replied.


Montymort enters through the front doors.

"Why's Mr Burns here?" A kid asks.

"I am Montymort! The most evil wizard of them all!" Montymort says dramatically.

"Well, prove it..." the kid replies.

"Very well. I invoke an angry troll upon your miserable school!"

Suddenly a Kerny troll stomps down the road and smashes into the school. He makes his way to the boys toilets.

Bart's inside washing his hands. Suddenly the Kerny troll breaks in. He roars and swings his club about.

"Ay carumba!" Bart yells as he ducks to avoid flying splinters of wood as Kerny smashes up the toilets. Oscar and Milhouse run in.

"Oscar! Do something!" Bart yells.

"Flutterfly!" Oscar casts the levitate spell at Kerny's club. It floats out his hand just as he's about to swing it.

"Huh?" Kerny grunts, he looks up just to see the club drop on his head and knock him unconscious.

"Cool! You knocked it out!" Bart cooes.

"Drat! You haven't seen the last of me, Lord Montymort!" Montymort makes his escape because that's what villains do when defeated each episode.

"What was Mr Burns- sorry, Montymort doing here anyway...?" Bart asks.

"Plot advancement. We need a bad guy and some drama."

"Thank goodness our would be evil wizard didn't take the Philospher's bone, which I have no idea what it does or why he needed it." Principal Skinner says while carrying a large bone.

Meanwhile in the boys toilet.

Oscar was poking the unconscious Kerne troll. Until there was a splat.

“Eeeew! You stuck your wand up his nose...” Bart groaned.

Oscar pulled out his wand. It had some snot oozing off of it. “Eeeeeew!” Bart groaned.

“Troll boogers...” said Oscar wiping his wand with his robes.

Skinner then ordered them to go to their lessons.

“Willie get rid f this troll before it wakes up! I’ll take the Philospher’s bone back to its hiding place.” said Skinner.

Willie muttered as he dragged the giant troll away.

Plot 2[edit | edit source]

One evening in Wyrmfang Dormitories. That’s where all the bad students were. Well most of them were bad so the reputation of the house goes. (It’s like Slytherin...)

Bart and Ace were in their bedroom. Bart was miserable because his best friend Milhouse didn’t get sorted into Wyrmfang. He got sorted into Lionheart, the dorky nice students house. Lisa being an insufferable little know it all got sorted into Owlfore with Martin.

Oscar was in his pyjamas picking his nose with his wand.

“Eeeew! Oscar don’t do that!” Ace whined.

“Why not?” Oscar asked. A spell back fired on him. Suddenly large amounts of snot oozed out of his nose and splattered down his cute footed pyjamas. Meuka oozed out of his nose. Oscar gulped as the cartoon snot monster giggled.

“That’s why...” said Ace.

Bart was to busy thinking about Milhouse to care about Oscar’s shenanigans with Meuka. Right now Meuka had glued him to his bed and was tormenting him.

“Oz... did a Mucus Pukus spell backfire on you?” Bart groaned in disgust.

The next day was herbology. They were learning about bouncing bulbs.

Harry Potter then made an appearance. This version of him chews brimstone to breath fire. He is also quite prideful of his fame as the boy who lived.

There was startled gossiping amongst Bart’s friends.

“I heard an evil wizard murdered his parents!” said one kid.

“I heard he singlehandedly killed a basilisk!” said another.

“Please! People! You’re too much!” said Harry to his adoring fans. “At least I’m not a fraud like Gildory Lockhart.”

In transfigurations he was chewing something.

“Harry Potter are you chewing gum?” Mrs Krabappel asked.

“No Ma’am! Tis brimstone!” said Harry. He breathed fire.

Also Harry dresses in his casual clothes he wears in the book and supplementary art. Ie his red and white striped jumper and not his Gryffindor uniform. Well he is in American school.

“But I gave Springwart’s a uniform!” said Matt in a cutaway.

At lunch Lisa and Hermione Granger. No not the pretty one played by Emma Watson. The one from the book with the big buck teeth. Were testing each other’s knowledge.

“Einstein’s theory of relativity!” Lisa yelled.

“E=MC squared!” Hermione retorted.

Bart and Ron sighed at their geekiness.

“Hermione what happened to your teeth? You look like a cartoon beaver...” said Oscar.

“Well, dam! She looks good! Timbeeeeer!” said a cartoon beaver.

Oscar rolled his eyes.

“Malfoy hexed me.” said Hermione with a speech impediment from her big buck teeth.

“Well that’s a very mean thing for him to do!” Oscar said annoyed at Malfoy for being so mean.

“Hey Beaver girl! Go and gnaw on a tree!” said Draco Malfoy teasing Hermione.

“Don’t worry Hermione. Buck teeth get a lot of getting used to...” said Teddy, Oscar’s buck toothed teddy bear with a big shiny nose.

“Awwww! Is that your teddy bear?” Hermit said sweetly to Oscar without any hint of malice or teasing.

“Hermione don’t! People are snickering...” Oscar whined holding Teddy his living teddy bear.

“Well like you say, they shouldn’t! They’re being mean and nasty! Shame on you lot!” Hermione scolded the other students for laughing at Oscar.

“Thanks but they have a social pecking order... I know it’s ridiculous but they’re stubborn about what’s cool and what isn’t...” said Oscar.

At lunch Draco was madly in love with his apple he had for lunch. He was obsessed by the perfect shade of green it was.

“Oscar stop writing Drapple of me!” Draco groaned.

“Stop being obsessed with apples then...” said Oscar.


Then in Wyrmfang dormitory Oscar had a massive rave party with all his wizard friends from across the globe. “Bart, you know Harry, Ron and Hermione from England...” said Oscar drinking fire whisky.

“Of course...” said Bart not the slightest bit interested in Oscar’s weird friends.

“Well from Canada’s magic school Vonderland is Verne, Gus and Cassie.” said Oscar introducing his friends from the cartoon UBOS. “It’s cool there! In one class we learnt how to turn ourselves into babies!”

“That is just weird...” said Bart.

Billy and Nigel Planter were at the party too.

“Lord Moldybutt!” said Billy and someone’s drinking glass shattered.

“I told you! Stop saying that!” Nigel Planter yelled at Billy.

“Saying what?” Billy asked.

“Lord Moldybutt!” yelled Nigel Planter. Something broke.


Draco and Nelson pranked Bart and Milhouse so they ended up in the room with the giant three headed dog.

Fluffy the giant three headed dog woke up and barked angrily at Bart and Milhouse. They screamed and ran out the room and ran away off somewhere to get clear of the forbidden third floor corridor before Willie caught them.

Then its revealed Oscar has tamed Fluffy and is the school’s assistant beast master. Baby Oscar in a diaper plays with Fluffy.

Fluffy’s middle head sniffs Oscar’s diaper with his big wet shiny black nose. Baby Oscar gurgles and squeezes his big wet shiny black nose.

Then Professor Quirrel the defence against the dark arts teacher was secretly working for Voldemort. Because he was on the back of his head. However Bart felt it was an excuse for racism just because he wore a turban.

“Wait just because he wears a turban he’s the bad guy...” Bart rants angry.

“No.... he is only wearing turban to hide Voldemort’s face on the back of his head. Then he made up some spiel about a Saudi prince giving him a turban as a gift for defeating a vampire...” said Oscar.

“Yes I am most certainly evil Bart. I am using puppies as target practice for the next Defence against the dark arts lesson!”

“You monster!” Oscar yelled.

Then to Bart’s chagrin Oscar was putting up his collection of all the Harry Potter books. Including some I made up.

There was: Philosopher’s Stone that Bart argued was called Sorcerer’s Stone in America.

“Mandela effect!” Oscar yelled.

“No... American naming... like how Overboard on the PSOne is called Shipwreckers over here...” said Bart.

Chamber of Secrets... Prisoner of Azkaban. That’s the one Voldemort is never mentioned in. Not even as Tom Riddle. Goblet of fire.

“That’s my favourite in movie adaption because Doctor Who’s David Tennant is in it!” Oscar fangasmed.

“Okay...” Bart groaned as Oscar got more geeky.

Then, even though at the time of the season this episode is in the other books weren’t wrote yet, they were when I wrote this episode so there.

There will be... The Order of the Phoenix. Where Sirius dies and the ministry is in denial about Voldemort returning and goes 1984 to cover this up to avoid panic. Which they do anyway to avoid muggles finding out about them because they might Salem 1695 the lot of them again despite that the death penalty is abolished in England and the church no longer dictates the law so that other religions can live there in piece and not get burnt at stake.

Then there will be The half blood prince. Where Dumbledore Dies!!! And Harry steals Snape’s old school book where he gave himself a stupid nickname called the Halfblood prince. And Harry uses it to ace all his potion classes. Helped by the fact Snape was transferred to Defence against the dark arts because Slughorn came back and no one wanted the defence against the dark arts job because it carries bad luck as the teacher turns out to be evil, a werewolf or dies violently...

Also Draco goes from bully to death eater but actually he is a double agent.

Then the last book in Harry’s time line is Deathly Hallows. It was cool because loads of characters die including Dobby! Noooooo! And it introduces the deathly hallows and Gelert Grindleward. The previous dark lord before Voldemort.

And now the spin offs.

Fantastic Beasts and where to find them.

“The movie is about Newt and Grindlewald and Obscuras! Basically if a wizard or witch suppresses their magic they flip and turn into a deadly black smoke cloud that destroys everything!” Oscar ranted.

Bart snored already bored of his geekiness.

Then there was Fantastic beasts II: The crimes of Grindlewald.

“With human Nagini, who is actually a Maledictus, that’s why she’s a snake later on.

And now made up books.

There was one called Fantastic Beasts III: Dumbledore Fucks Grindlewald!

“Where Dumbledore is uh... gay with Grindlewald...” said Oscar. It’s true! Rowling made young Dumbledore gay!

Then at some point Dumbledore realised his boyfriend was evil and defeated him and stole his wand, the Elder wand, and had him sent to prison.

I have no idea how they resolve Aurelius Dumbledore as the Obscura... it hasn’t been filmed yet! But hopefully there is Albus and Gelert gay shipping!

Post Harry there is Harry Potter and the cursed Child. Where Voldemort and Bellatrix had a daughter who becomes the next Dark Lord! And it reads like bad fan fiction!

Speaking of which, Oscar loves My Immortal, Drapple/Draco X Apple fan fics and Thirty Hs.


Meanwhile Bart was a little to enthusiastic about breaking the school rules about out of bounds areas to help Milhouse and Lisa find the Philospher’s bone, because yeah the story only works by the characters violating the school rules because Quirrel would certainly take advantage of his rights as a teacher to patrol the halls at night to steal the Philospher’s stone and that Hagrid’s boo boo at telling him how to get past Fluffy is significant enough a worry despite the other death traps... how the hell was he not killed by the Devil’s Snare?! Maybe instead of using Jumanji/Crystal Maze style trials to guard valuable objects, add booby traps that will kill any individual who can’t bypass them and for the love of Ravenclaw don’t tell Quirrel or Hagrid how to bypass them!

“You okay Narrator? Need to get something off your chest...?” Bart sarcastically asked the fourth wall.

Anyway cue the heroes thinking little of the school rules, that were there to protect them, because those same rules were apprehending them from stopping Quirrel/Montymort, because hey, only kids have to follow those rules, not adults...

“Bart I think you’re a little too enthusiastic about breaking the school rules...” said Harry.

“Who cares about the rules?! Screw the rules! We have to stop a villain and save the day!” said Bart as they got under the invisibility cloak.

“I’d rather not want Mom and Dad cross with me. If Montymort gets that bone it’s because the school wasn’t secure enough. And why would a school be safeguarding a powerful relic?!” Lisa was strangely not righteously rebellious. She’s actually a lot like this in episodes like The PTA Disbands and Bart Stops to Smell The Roosevelt’s where for once his rebellion is for a good and righteous cause, protesting against an injustice, ending a strike he started, yet Lisa doesn’t approve just because it is breaking the school rules, yet it is no different to her protesting and civil disobedience.

“Gah! I can’t believe you are comparing my good natured protests with Bart’s troublesome behaviour!!” Lisa yelled.

No I’m comparing when his rebellious nature is being put to a good cause to peaceful for the greater go9d protesting.

“Yeah Lis. We’re talking those times in canon where my rebellious behaviour was for everyone’s benefit and not just my own amusement...” said Bart. “The difference is that yes despite that I think I’m actually on the side of good compared to some people I like to boast about being bad and breaking the rules...”

And then there is this really great theory that Dumbledore is deliberately setting in stone Harry’s miserable childhood with the Dursley’s not because of blood magic and love magic but because he is chess master using his idiotic and neglectful decisions IE, leaving a vulnerable baby on a cold doorstep at night on the off chance his aunt Petunia might be the voice of reason and would begrudgingly take Harry in, before he dies of hypothermia... All because Harry’s the chosen one! Destiny this and saving the world that states so! Not to mention shirking modern day mandatory safeguarding and sensible decisions just to endanger a first year’s life and put him against a mass murderer only he can stop...

“Seriously! Leaving baby Harry on a cold door step at night on the off chance out of guilt his Aunt might take him in and not leave to die, when it is shown the Dursley’s hate Harry!”

“Now really Dumbledore! The school is a better vault for a powerful artefact than a modern day high tech bank like Fort Knox with a thousand angry security guards with machine guns and angry dogs?!”

“No it’s not a great idea to excuse your neglectful and bumbling decisions that resulted in a first year finding public enemy number one Voldemort who probably ranks somewhere near Carlos the Jackal and Jack the Ripper on The school grounds and some how with the power of love in the form of acid touch defeated him just because ‘Destiny says he must! He is the chosen one!’” Oscar ranted.

“Okay mr know it all! How would you protect the stone then?!” Bart replied.

“Keep it in a high security vault guarded by security robots with guns that can’t be bribed or reprogrammed. Or have Dumbledore keep it on his person. No the plot doesn’t justify the means as to but the main hero needs to train his skills. The fifth book explains Neville could just as easily been the chosen one, the traps only act as army dividers, cutting down explorers so that only one can get through to the mirror. And because there are far more capable opponents to Voldemort than a first year wizard with no skills except he’s great at quidditch and he was lucky enough that his mother’s love left some form protection that meant Quirrel couldn’t bare to be touched by him.” Oscar replied as they snuck about.

“Willie I have a better idea, have the Philospher’s bone stored in Fort Knox.” said Skinner to Willie. Since it was embarrassing not to mention America’s equivalent of Ofsted would not be happy to find the school and its pupils were being put at risk to look after a rare artefact against a mass murdering wizard and said wizard has already attacked it once.

Plot 3[edit | edit source]

However Quimby had just been bribed a slap up dinner by Dumbledore who suggested the Philospher’s bone was perfectly safe in a magic school where students would just be meat shields and expendable if a dark wizard attacked.

Meanwhile Hagrid had a baby dragon called Norbert, later Norberta.

“Hagrid where did you get that dragon egg?” Hermione asked.

“Where are my dragons?!” Daenerys Targaryen aka Khaleesi screamed bursting into Hagrid’s house.

Harry and his friends face palmed.

“Dragon war!” Oscar demanded.

“No!” Bart whined.

But Oacar had his way as baby Norbert vs Toothless from How to Train your Dragon vs Ridley vs Daenerys’s dragons vs Sean Connery as Draco vs Smaug vs Saphira with Eragon riding her vs Zagon with his student Grogre the ogre riding him vs Irreep in dragon form trying to toss Oscar off of her back because her kingdom of dragons found dragon riders offensive like Centaurs hate us riding them. And finally vs Jake Long, American Dragon.

Jake Long sung his theme tune so Irreep incinerated him with her fire breath.

“Burn How to train your dragon it’s a real cringe fest...” said Oscar.

“And Games of Thrones.” said Irreep.

“Absolutely not! I like the boobs and titties!” Oscar whined.

“You’re hoping for a soaping Oz!” said Dragon Irreep.

Ridley screeched at people. Note when writing anything even stories, never write “I will screech in yer ear.” Out of or even in dialogue. It’s really immature...

Bart sighed as Ridley screeched and his theme tune blared out everywhere across Springwarts.


For a boarding school there are a lot of scenes especially at Christmas where students wear their own clothes.

Cue Bart having his eyes assaulted by Daniel Radcliffe in a Christmas jumper hand knitted by Molly Weasley with a H on it.

“That is more infuriating to me than triplet chipmunks with colour coordinated sweaters!” Bart ranted.

Luckily book Harry or Toon Harry wore a striped where’s Waldo sweater. Yeah that’s what Rowling meant him to wear. Oh and he didn’t were typical prescription glasses you can buy in the opticians, he wore based on the cover illustration, big thick black rimmed cartoonish Where’s Waldo glasses. I think he might be Waldo! (Wally in Britain.)

Also the first book had a lot of material that didn’t make it to the movie. Ie Neville was with Harry, Ron and Hermione when they discovered Fluffy.

Harry sneaking about Filch’s confiscated items room to get something back.

Harry in the first or third book had a funny scene where Filch makes him clean the trophies because he walked inside the castle with muddy clothes.

Uh that’s really out of character for Harry to get muddy. Unless he had just played quidditch or was fighting Malfoy.

“Or...” Oscar had a demented idea on his mind. “Pre JK Rowling novels, Usbourne little yellow duck books Harry!”

Lil Harry, who likes to dive bomb in the swimming pool while we play find the little yellow duck, gave us the reason Canon Harry was muddy.

Lil Harry was rolling in the mud outside at break time with Oscar.

Lil Harry and Oscar giggling while rolling in the mud.


Meanwhile canon Harry, Bart, Hermione and Ron went about getting to the Philospher’s bone/stone before Montymort and Voldemort in some form got to it. They insisted Snape was a double agent because they don’t like him.

Yeah the obviously evil looking teacher who is actually nasty to the heroes is actually not a double agent and absolutely loyal to the school. But in book six, oh actually you were all right... he was a double agent working for Voldemort after all but then he’s a triple agent only pretending he is Voldemort’s right hand man because Voldemort killed his girlfriend Lily.

He gets what was coming to him, Voldemort killed him. But we’re supposed to cry for poor Snape. I say good riddance he was mean...

Harry coughed for me to list the obstacles blocking the Philospher’s bone.

Okay they are...

Fluffy, a giant three headed dog like Cerebus of Greek mythology. It can be put to sleep with music. See Orpheus and Eurydice.

The Devil’s Snare. Vines that tie you up the more you struggle. Aka hentai vines! It dislikes fire and sunlight.

Flying keys. Curtesy of the give object wings charm. You need to be good at flying on a broom and a keen eye to see the right key.

Giant living chess. Team divider. Only those that are good at chess will get past.

A troll. Quirrel git that gender confused troll from the girls bathroom and put it as his trial.

Pick the right potion to be able to walk through magic fire. Another team divider to make sure only Harry gets through because there was only a small amount of potion. Also Donovan from The last Crusade is there to show what happens if you choose poorly.

Evil knights! Ps1 Philospher’s was Evil Knights and fly through rings. GameCube Chamber of Secrets was expelliarmus Gargoyles and cheap unfair stealth missions.

Final trial mirror and QuirrelMort.


As Oscar under the invisibility cloak with Harry went to Fluffy’s room on the third floor, he has a fun fact.

“Before I existed Quiffy stood in for me as my OC in the Harry Potter world. Cue wizard Quiffy who can not pull off a wizard hat or Phrygian cap without resembling a Pop from Rice Krispies.

They then came to Fluffy. He was already asleep but they were speaking so much the magic harp from Jack in the beanstalk stopped playing and Fluffy woke up. He dribbled on Harry’s shoulder and Ron went “Eeeeeeugh!” because there simply has to be gross out humour in this film...

“Gross out humour ey?” said Oscar eagerly as they backed away from the giant barking three headed dog.

Oscar being a beast master/tamer in dungeons and dragons used beast charm to pacify Fluffy.

Fluffy sniffed him with his big wet shiny black nose of his middle head.

“Shiny nose! Goo goo gah!” Oscar was acting like a baby and had even stripped down to a diaper. He honked Fluffy’s middle nose. Fluffy flinched and shook his head. He painted and sniffed Oscar again. Oscar honked his nose several times and then stuffed his hands up the giant dog’s nostrils, splat! He gurgled in disgust as he tugged at a green gooey slime. Fluffy’s snot!

“Eeeeeew! Are you trying to make my movie a gross out fest?!” Harry whined. Oscar tugged frantically at the snot.

They left Oscar tugging at Fluffy’s gooey snot from his middle nose and jumped down the trap door.

The kids fell on a spongey mass of vines. Ron had to jinx things by saying “good thing this plant was here.

The vines coiled round them wrapping them up.

Harry tugged at the vines wrapped round his legs, Ron screamed as the Devil’s Snare had its way with him.

Hermione remained calm though and explained what the plant was and that they must stop struggling and relax or it will only kill them faster.

That didn’t help Ron as he wouldn’t relax. Well when lustful hentai vines try to ass rape you, would you relax?!

Oscar pulled himself free of Fluffy’s snot and jumped down into the Devil’s Snare and got caught while Ron was having a screaming fit.

The vines wrapped round him. “Oh baby!” Oscar got aroused.

“Oz no!” Bart said tied up in the vines before they silenced him by wrapping round his mouth.

Oscar wriggled to tease the plant into ensnaring him with its vines. It then lifted him up and pulled down his shorts and diaper and impaled a serpentine vine up his anus and violated him violently in an X rated manner.

“Oz stop turning the story into hard core tentacle porn!” Harry whined.

Oscar had now set up a dining table with a checkered table cloth and knives and forks and plates and in the middle a candelabrum with three candles and romantic music played as he had dinner with the Devil’s Snare.

“What the Fudge?!” said Bart having got free.


The team got divided as Oscar elected to stay behind with his girlfriend the Devil’s Snare, that’s if it has a gender...

Next chamber was the flying keys. Harry helped here with his Seeker for Gryffindor skills. He flew after the old key that flew slowly with damaged wings and caught it. Then the other keys attacked him. He landed unlocked the door and shut it on the angry keys.

Next chamber was giant living chess. Ron helped here with his expertise in chess. The kid is dumb academically but a genius at chess... how?!

The room was another team separator and Ron got left behind. In movie Hermione stayed with him and Harry immediately faced Quirrel. In the book Hermione cruelly leaves Ron to go through the other trials.

While this boring chess game only mildly livened up with killer chess pieces went on. Oscar was released by his girlfriend the Devil’s Snare and pulled up his shorts and got redressed and went to the flying key chambers.

“Give wings spell. I know a variant called give legs. I had a lot of fun with that...” said Oscar.

He couldn’t find the key because Harry took it. But a new trial awaited. Busts of the founding fathers of America appeared on columns from the floor. Everything he asked them they sung folk songs about.

“Guys your brilliant! Your harmonies are tight, but I really need to find a key!” Oscar whined as they sung barbershop quartet style.

“Find the key find the key oooooooh find the beautiful keeeeeey!” The founding fathers sung.

Oscar growled frustrated.


Harry and Hermione left poor Ron and came across the troll a chose your own book annoyed them by giving them a choice as to whether the troll was asleep or not.

If so, go to the next chamber quietly!

If it’s drowsy and sleep walking. Play Wingardium Leviosa the items out of the way so it doesn’t wake up because it will kill you if it is.

If it’s wide awake.

They got the troll wide awake.

“Hey it’s that weird troll that we found in the girls bathroom! Dude why were you in a girl bathroom?!” Bart interrogates the angry troll.

“Because I am gurl!” said the troll.

“What?!” Bart asked.

“I said! I am gurl!” The troll shouted.

Apparently Quirrel’s mountain troll is a girl...


After dealing with this revelation. In Rowling’s canon the troll is a dude and she’d say he can use which ever bathroom he wants and gender assigning them is facist.

Any after this revelation Bart, Hermione and Harry went to the potion trial. They read the riddle. One was the right potion to go forward, one was the right one to go back. Two were deadly poisons and one was just lemonade.

Donovan from the third Indiana Jones film drank the poisonous potion. It affected him immediately. “What is happening to me?!” He gasped.

Hermione screamed horribly as Donovan grew older rapidly as his hair grew long and white. He cried for help even as he decomposed into a skeleton.

“Hermione stop screaming! This is a skeleton! It’s just bones! Would you scream at Calista Flockhart?!”

Amusingly skeleton Donovan was a boss in the SNES game.

Cue Ray Harryhausen skeleton screeching at them.

Bart sweat dropped.

Oscar took a short cut with a gun that cuts big holes in the walls. “Okay I’m baaaack! And- Aaaaaaagh! Ray Harryhausen skeleton!”

Bart was even more exasperated and zapped skeleton Donovan to pieces.

Eventually Harry found the right potion.

“You chose wisely.” said a medieval knight.

Harry went through the flames. Hermione found the potion to go back through the flames guarding the entrance and they all went back.

Harry encountered cloaked freaky Quirrel he saw in the forest.

The freaky Quirrel used dark magic to bring the suits of armour to life as evil knights.

“Zoinks!” Harry gulped. Ha! I made him say that!

Eventually Harry defeated the video game boss and went to the final trial.


Harry was shocked the cloaked figure that scared the bejesus out of him in the forbidden forest and infuriated him by bringing Gargoyles to life and shattering the floor of the room before the one with fireflies in potion class just to make him go on a stupid diversion was... Professor Quirrel.

Quirrel explains in a strangely more confident manner with out the nervous squealing and stammering how he tried to get at the stone and how he tried to kill Harry by throwing him off his broom. Harry thought Snape was to blame but Snape was trying to help Harry with a counter curse.

Then Voldemort spoke from somewhere that he was growing impatient and wanted the stone.

Quirrel shouted at Harry to help him get the Philospher’s stone. Professor Quirrel had never raised his voice before, Harry thought.

Harry played for time by lying about what he saw. He said he won the house cup. He actually could see his reflection holding the red Philospher’s stone.

Voldemort knew he was lying and told Quirrel.

Quirrel shouted at Harry again.

“Ah okay teach! Harry’s really sorry! Please don’t be mad!” Oscar stammered.

“Oz something is clearly up with the Professor and my scar is hurting...” said Harry.

Voldemort wanted to see Harry in person. Quirrel warned him he was not strong enough for any sort of magic duel that might break out. But Voldemort insisted.

Harry was frightened and even considered the cliche idea of considering the man who tried to murder him when he was a baby to be his worst fear. Cough Bart and Sideshow Bob, cough. Simply because he was actually frightening. Richard Bremmer you are a master of acting as a villain...

Plot 4[edit | edit source]

Meanwhile Bart and Lisa, Hermione and Ron, whom she was carrying because he was injured for plot reasons to stop him following them further through the trials, were heading back up to Hogwarts/Springwarts from the weird dungeon it had under it to store the stone or bone. However they encountered the villain of Springwarts and Barry Trotter and the copyright infringement... Mr Burns as Lord Montymort. A Voldermort spoof crossed with Skeletor and Ming the merciless and Ra’s Al Ghul...

And Smithers as Slithers. Nagini basically.

Lisa after frightened and spoke as if Montymort was suddenly a major threat to their Harry Potter parody fanfiction world like Voldermort is in canon instead of Oh it’s Mr Burns in a dumb costume... “oh no! It’s Lord Montymort! Sucker of souls! Devoured of essence!”

“No! It’s Dad’s stingy boss in a dumb Halloween costume!” said Bart.

“How insolent! I ought to fire your father for that Brat Simpson!” said Mr Burns as Montymort.

“It’s Bart, sir. Not Brat...” said Bart.

“For some reason I want the Philospher’s bone, to do something unspeakably evil and possibly take over the world or obtain god like powers with.” said Lord Montymort. “And that’s really bad for you children. So you should probably try to stop me.”

“Fine. Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one!” Bart said dramatically with cool music. But his own wand zapped him. “Ow! Not me you idiot!”

Then they ran up to Montymort and kicked his enchanted shin repeatedly. “No my enchanted shin! How did you know that was the source of my power?!”

“We didn’t! We just went for kicking your shins!” said Lisa.

“Fine I will leave! But I will return! Next year!”

“That is cliche! I’ll get you Gadget! Next time Gadget! Next time! Or, you haven’t seen the last of me! Or a Team Rocket’s blasting off again! Or...” Bart ranted.

“Bart clam it! We have to take the Philospher’s bone to Principal Skinner...” said Lisa.

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