Bard Boiled The students of Springfield Elementary have to put on a play about Shakespeare but won't listen to Director Lisa Simpson's directions...
Springfield Elementary was holding a play on Shakespeare Bart was King Priam of Troy. Ralph was a Trojan soldier.
"Your majesty, the war against Troy has lasted seven long years!" said Ralph. "What shall we do?"
"Well, my brave soldier, if at first you don't invade, try Troy again!" said Bart. Everyone laughed at his gag.
However Lisa wasn't happy.
"Bart! Read the lines properly! You're ruining Troilus and Cressida!" Lisa yelled holding a script.
"I'm just livening it up!" said Bart. "Okay now for a little improve! Someone name a location!"
"Somewhere other than this dull play," said the audience.
"I heard the video game arcade." said Bart. "Now name a reason why our director Lisa stinks."
"Hey!" Lisa yelled. "Look, if you don't read the lines properly we will do the entire play again from the beginning!"
"Oh Homer, I'm so glad you're paying attention to our kids play!" said Marge.
However Homer was listening to the football. And oh god! Who's hair is that in front? It's! It's...
"Okay everyone take three!" said Lisa as they had to start the scene again... everyone moaned.
Suddenly Oscar had to interrupt. "Oh my god! Sideshow Bob is in the audience!" Oscar as Hector yelled.
"Nyaaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob!!" Bart screamed and ran off stage.
"Oh thanks Oscar, there goes our king Priam!" Lisa yelled. Marge and Homer glared at Sideshow Bob for turning up to watch Bart and Lisa's play.
"I could be king!" said Oscar.
"No! That's Bart's part. You're Hector." said Lisa.
"This is boring just start acting!" A parent yelled.
"Ugh! Next scene!" said Lisa.
Anthony and Cleopatra
Skinner was Mark Anthony and Mrs Krabappel was Cleopatra. However they too against Lisa's instructions to just follow the script for authenticity decided to play their roles as a bickering married couple.
"My people, lend me your ears." said Skinner as Mark Anthony. The audience threw plastic Vulcan ears on stage. "That's not what I meant."
Mark Anthony and Cleopatra began to argue. Mark Anthony insisting he had to look after Rome because it was in a state i.e. Garbage in the streets and something about vomitiriuns.
Cleopatra ranted about him complaining about everything such as her sacred cats making him sneeze and her milk baths.
Mark Anthony argued that he was lactose intolerant.
Lisa sighed at their antics.
"Ooooh! Drama!" said Homer.
"Hmmmm! I think they're serious. They were bickering yesterday at Bart's parents evening..." Marge sighed.
Then Mark Anthony bought Cleopatra an asp in a box. It bit her and she died. (Actually a motorised puppet gently nibbling Edna)
"So aside from the deadly venom how is it?" Mark Anthony asked.
"It's like everything in our relationship. It bites..." Said Edna as Cleopatra.
Lisa sighed. "Next scene..."
"Ah hoy hoy!" said Mr Burns as Caesar. The scene is a town in Rome. Smithers is Brutus, Skinner is Mark Anthony again, Homer is Caligula for some reason...
"Dad it's Cassius!" Lisa whined! "There is no Caligula at this point in Roman history!"
"Can I be Obelix instead...?" said Homer.
"No!" Lisa yelled.
Anyway eventually they got the scene started. Caesar and Brutus were walking the streets of Rome.
"Oh a penny!" said Caesar as he picked up a Roman coin. An ax flew past his head.
"D'oh!" said Cassius. His assassination attempt failed.
Then there was the Senate.
Julius Caesar asked Moleman what the weather was like.
"Hail, Caesar." said Moleman.
"Yes thank you. The weather please."
"Yes, the weather!"
Eventually Caesar realised he was getting nowhere. "Okay now for lunch I fancy that lovely salad named after me! What's it called again?" said Caesar.
"Caesar." said Moleman.
"Yes what is it?" Mr Burns as Caesar asked.
"Caesar." said Moleman.
"Right that's it! Have him flogged!" said Caesar.
"Sir that's extremely painful! Have mercy!" said Brutus.
"Very well... kill him first!" said Caesar.
"Oh dear..." said Moleman...
"Man that Senator is nuts." said Cassius.
"You said it Caligula." said Moe as a senator.
Lisa growled "it's Cassius!" Under her breath.
"No I meant that other senator!" said Cassius/Caligula pointing to an old horse that he made senator.
"Grrrrr! Next scene..." Lisa sighed.
Later Cassius and the other assailants were discussing their plan.
Brutus had other ideas.
Their plan involved throwing a lion at Caesar. It missed.
"Our school doesn't even have a license to have animals?!" Lisa ranted.
"That was my last lion!" said Cassius.
"Can we Christians go now or do you have other animals to feed us too?" Rod asked.
Much later the assassins discussed their next attempt to kill Caesar.
Brutus didn't want to and asked them to reconsider.
"No way Bluto!" said Cassius.
”(Popeye laughing)” Popeye laughed and ate an entire can of spinach.
Lisa face palmed.
"Brutus." Smithers corrected Homer.
"Brutus. We're gonna kill Caesar and Mark Anthony!" said Cassius.
"Hey!" said Mark Anthony.
"Um... I meant Mark um... Hamill." said Homer as Cassius.
They somehow time travelled and killed Mark Hamill in his office.
"Nooooo!" Oscar cried.
"How was that even possible?!" Lisa yelled.
Cassius planned a surprise for Caesar at the baths. Caesar turned up.
They snuck up on him and stabbed him. But because Mr Burns was so thin they ended up stabbing each other.
"Guys no realistic gore, our special effects team can't handle that..." said Lisa.
"What's this lying around? Where's the confetti? The cake?" Caesar asked.
"Here." Cassius groaned holding a cake with two slices taken out of it."
"Where did you get that?!" Mark Anthony asked.
"I get hungry planning so I always carry a cake." said Cassius.
"Wait there's two slices missing!" Mr Burns as Caesar commented.
"Well I ate one but planning made me extremely hungry so I..." said Cassius.
"Don't say it." said Mark Anthony.
"Ate two, Brutus." said Cassius as. He died.
"That was uh interesting... Next play..." said Lisa.
King Henry V
Frink was King Henry the fifth but kept ad libbing science into it with DNA modifications and death rays! The last straw was him hugging a teddy bear.
"Professor..." Lisa sighed.
And swiftly on to the next play!
Romeo and Juliet
Lisa was Juliet and Nelson was Romeo.
("We're still in a relationship?!" Lisa asked)
"Oh Romeo, swear not by fountain, swear not by the fence! Oh just stop swearing altogether you'll wake my parents!" said Juliet.
"I stubbed my (censor bleep) toe on your (censor bleep) garden gnome!" Nelson as Romeo swore.
Ralph Wiggum was narrating.
Then Oscar was a talk show host introducing the families. The Montagues and the Capulets.
"First up is the Capulets. Now our creator Matt for some reason wanted Jimbo to play the sixth Capulet but that was silly so instead Hugo will play Tybalt." said Oscar.
Juliet was embarrassed as Lord Capulet was strangling Bartholomew Capulet for biting his thumb at him.
"I'll teach you to bite your thumb!" Lord Capulet yelled while strangling him.
"I was just biting my thumb!" Bartholomew yelled trying to breath.
Hugo as Tybalt was pulling faces.
"Tybalt don't pull faces!" said Marge as Lady Capulet.
"And the Montagues. Hey where are the rest of the family?" Oscar asked.
"The judge wouldn't give my family bail after Dad's check bounced now continue the story or I'll pound ya!" said Romeo.
"Now tells the story of forbidden love! Like that between Mr Ink and my giraffe, Spot." said Ralph holding a squid plush and a giraffe plush.
Oscar rolled his eyes...
There was the story which involved Nelson trying to get back with Lisa while in character. Jimbo and the gang killing each other and Lunch lady Doris as the Capulet Nurse maid.
Oh and in the actual play the the Capulets and the Montagues have the mother of all fights in the city of Verona after Bart as um... Juliet’s brother got in a fight with Nelson as Romeo. Their families joined in.
”Like that huge stage fight on Jerry between Santa and the KKK and the entire audience!” said Oscar.
Cue The Simpsons and the Muntzes fighting. Lisa face palmed.
Then the Prince of Verona scolded them and told them to stop fighting.
Juliet faked her death so Romeo thinking she was really dead broke up with her.
"You jerk! I'm dead and you're breaking up with me?!" Juliet came back from the dead! Eek!
"Ah! Zombie!" Said Romeo.
"I was pretending to be dead so you'd poison yourself I'd find you dead and then stab myself! It was supposed to be the most romantic story ever!" Juliet ranted.
"I could stab you with my sword if you want." said Romeo.
"Forget it!" Juliet yelled.
"Ugh! Even in character you screw up our relationship Nelson!" Lisa yelled.
"So that means we're not getting back together?" Nelson asked.
Two Gentlemen of Verona
"A play within a play basically." Oscar explained as Shakespeare would often reuse settings from other plays he wrote. Lenny and Carl were two gentlemen trying to be polite to ladies but they just ignored them. They decided to go to Moe's because it was ladies night. They ended up with Patty and Selma as the merry wives of Windsor.
Homer laughed at his friends' misfortune.
Krusty was King Richard III.
"Cooool! How did the school get Krusty?" said Bart to Oscar as they watched him perform off screen.
"Now is the winter of our discontent..." Krusty read his lines.
"The school had to agree to let him ad lib..." said Oscar as Krusty started telling jokes and portraying Richard as a powerful media mogul crushing rivals instead of a king.
Bart could see Lisa was disappointed.
"And now kids get ready for a Shakespearean themed episode of Itchy and Scratchy!" said Krusty.
Everyone cheered and sat down to watch Itchy and Scratchy on a TV.
The parents groaned as the kids were watching Itchy and Scratchy in Titus Andronicus.
It just devolved into mindless violence and gore which the kids loved. However Bart was a little disappointed.
"I like a good old violent episode of Itchy and Scratchy as much as the next kid, but this seemed a little directionless and just violent for the sake of violence..." said Bart still in costume as King Priam.
Then Krusty put on a cowboy show but tried to ride on the horse which was a pantomime horse. (Two actors dressed up. In this case Grampa and Jasper.)
"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for two stagehands to play a horse!" said Krusty.
Suddenly Sideshow Bob appeared as Lord Richmond (as a rival comedian)
"Nyaaagh! Sideshow Bob!" said Bart jumping onto Oscar nearly squashing him.
"Kid relax, Bob's on license to appear in this play, that's all." said Krusty.
Bob's character explained Richard III's show was being replaced by a production of King Lear.
"Okay but whoever is playing King Lear better not upstage me!" said Krusty.
"Uh Krusty your performance at the gilded ladle was voted worst performance ever." said Oscar.
Homer was King Lear. This time it was played accurately without ad libs and jokes, Krusty...
Bart, Lisa and Maggie were his children Regan, Cordelia and Goneril. He asked them to explain how much they loved him. Maggie just stretched out her arms, Bart as Regan put on a performance with monkeys and stuff and showed off.
However Lisa as Cordelia honestly explained her love for her father.
"That's all! I've never been so insulted! Go to the room!" said King Lear.
"My room?" Cordelia asked.
"No the banishment room!" said King Lear.
"I didn't know we had a banishment room?" said Cordelia. The door led to a direct fall out of the top floor. Cordelia screamed as she fell.
Kent Brockman gave his opinion on the matter and got banished.
"You can't banish me, I'm emigrating!" said Kent.
"I have no idea what that is." said King Lear.
Kent was banished.
However he was right as Regan and Goneril began to mistreat their father and feed him junk food. When he questioned them about this Goneril was crying and Bart as Regan yelled at King Lear to change her diaper.
"Eeeew!" said Oscar as Maggie really needed changing.
King Lear ran off to find Cordelia and asked Kent and Krusty where she was.
He found her in the brambles dead.
"Oh god no!" He screamed. He recited his lines until.
"Hold up!" said Romeo. "She's just faking it like she did to me."
Cordelia sprung back to life. "Romeo?! You're not in this play?! How dare you interrupt! That's so rude!"
King Lear dropped her and stormed off somewhere.
The play ended with everyone asleep.
"They fell asleep! That's so rude!" Lisa yelled.
"My eyes are leaking." said Ralph.
Bart was smiling for some reason.
"Bart, why are you so happy?!" Lisa asked.
"Because while our parents were all sleeping I nicked their wallets!" said Bart carrying wallets.
"Bart! That's stealing!" Lisa explained.
"As long as they're sleeping it's a midsummer's night dream." said Bart quoting Shakespeare plays.
"Bart! You little puck!" Lisa scolded him.
"Lisa there's children present." said Bart. "Now who wants ice cream?"
The kids cheered.
They ended up at an ice cream parlour called As you lick it.
"Well the play was a flop but the ice cream was a good idea Bart..." said Lisa.
"Like I say, alls well that ends well." said Bart mentioning another Shakespeare play.